"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Wow, Jackie, this might be the hardest shopping decision you'll ever have to make.
Yeah, no return policy on this.
What are you guys buying? Boots? Purses?
Sperm for Jackie's baby.
That is not a purse.
You know, this isn't exactly how I pictured myself doing this when I was younger.
I think it's great. Yeah, I think it's about time women your age stopped waiting and hoping and praying for the right man.
Exactly how old do you think we are?
All right, I got it narrowed down to two--
V-117 and L-245.
Can we give them names, please?
Calling them by number sounds like you're ordering from a Chinese restaurant.
Hey, no need to order Chinese when you got... Italian.
Hello, Jackie.
You should stick around. I'm gonna pop a little something in the oven.
So are you.
Okay, all right, I-245 is "blond hair, nordic heritage, English teacher," plays lead guitar in local band."
Lars... van halen.
What?
I'm just giving him a name.
All right.
In his personal statement, Lars says, "life is a blank page. I write a poem on it every day."
You don't find DNA Like that sitting on a bar stool.
Okay, and bachelor #2--
"Early 30s, Italian American."
Vincenzo Boyardee.
I'm great at this. I should have my own sperm naming business.
Go on.
"Ivy league, financial executive, speaks Japanese."
"Extremely fit, great dancer."
Jeez, Vincenzo could pass for Joe.
"Sensitive, good listener"--
Nope, definitely not Joe.
Well, Vincenzo's practically a chef.
Wow, all this man-shopping's making me really hungry.
Hey, Longo, what's on the menu?
A little something I like to call spicy Parmesan diavolo.
Tell me that's a popular Italian dish.
Nope, it's all mine, and it will blow you away.
( Theme music playing )
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me ♪
Thank you for helping me with this, Mel.
I'll let you know which of my little swimmers gets the gold medal.
Bye.
So that dinner sure smells good.
Wow, you really enjoy cooking, don't you?
Almost as much as you enjoy staying fit, speaking Japanese, being Italian.
You like watching me, don't you?
Yeah, I was just thinking, you know, random thought.
People do some strange things for money, right?
Like, once I was paid 50 bucks to dance in a cage.
It was a fundraiser for the zoo.
So how about you?
What's the most degrading thing you ever did for money?
By far, this.
No, seriously. What's the wackiest thing you ever did for cash?
Like, you ever sell anything from your body?
Blood? Hair?
Male reproductive stuff?
Burke, I'm trying to cook here, okay?
Funny story. You know Jackie wants to have a baby and she's considering a donor who just happens to be Italian, Ivy league, extremely fit...
That could be a lot of guys.
...and he makes a spicy parmesan diavolo that will blow you away.
You blinked!
Oh boy.
I knew it! You're vincenzo!
What? What? Who?
That's what we named the can of, you know, you.
Come on, spill it, Vincenzo. Then again, you already have.
Well, all right, fine.
Fine, it was after the scandal, and I needed some money, okay?
So the sperm bank website was very persuasive.
It said, "be your own boss, make your own hours."
I don't know. It just kind of sucked me in.
Oh, will you grow up?
What were you thinking?
What was I thinking? I was thinking about making the rent, okay?
Oh, and Jessica Alba.
So I just would stop by the cryo place whenever I needed some quick cash.
I can't believe you might be having a kid with my best friend.
What? No no, that cannot happen, all right?
You gotta talk Jackie out of using me-- it-- liquid Longo.
Absolutely, I'm gonna do that.
The last thing this troubled world needs is any more of you.
Look, whatever you do, do not tell her it's me, all right? because honestly, Burke, this is the one thing in my life I've done that I'm not proud of.
But you're okay being the vice president of a company that lost a billion dollars?
A billion dollars, Burke.
How many people can say that?
And the garage sale was a total washout until we found--
"The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe" by C.S. Lewis.
Wait, you paid 50 bucks for a used book?
What does it do, sh**t lasers?
It's a first edition.
I bet I could find it for less.
It doesn't matter what we paid for it because it's our favorite book.
He saw me reading it one day and he said, "You know that's my favorite book."
Yes, I did. I said it right to her.
And now it's the first thing we ever bought together.
Yes, it is, Baby-Boo.
You are right, Boo-Baby.
Hey, check this out.
This auction site says that your book is worth $1,500.
No way, that's great. We're rich!
Yeah, in theory.
And in cash. Here's one that just went for $2,000.
Now way, wow! We could buy matching Vespas and have enough left over for an XBox.
Are you serious? You'd sell it?
Sure, yeah, that's a lot of money.
What does that matter? This is C.S. Lewis.
Lennox, come on, if C.S. Lewis were here right now, she'd say "sell it."
"She"?
Here we go.
C.S. Lewis is a man. Did you even read the book?
Sure, duh. Yeah, it's our favorite book.
Oh, really? Well, then tell me about Narnia.
She's the little girl.
The cowardly lion.
Oh, my God!
Simba's dad?
Bad road, man.
You lied to me. You never read it.
I tried, but there were no g*ns, and I kept falling asleep.
And then I rented the movie, but they put the wrong disc in, so I watched "Anchorman." Now that is a great story.
( Emphatically ) Just stop talking.
You said you loved literature.
Yeah, I was trying to share your interests.
Look, how about we just sell the book, split the money and then go back to the way things were before?
Things cannot go back to the way they were before, because your hatred of books has changed things forever.
I can't believe you're making such a big deal out of this. Calm down.
You want me to "calm down"? Oh, I'll calm down.
She's not gonna calm down. ( Door opens )
Can you believe that guy?
Bookselling bastard.
Okay, I want you to be the first to know it's Lars...
Oh!
...who gets discarded.
What?
Yep, Vincenzo gets the gold.
Wait, no no no. Look, you haven't given Lars a fair shake.
He's a middle school English teacher.
How hot is that?
Sorry, I woke up this morning just really feeling Vincenzo.
Okay okay, you want an Italian, there's four of 'em in here.
You could get 'em all, make your own house blend.
No, I'm a purist. I'm sticking with Vincenzo.
I like the whole package. I like who he is.
No no, you don't. You definitely don't, 'cause-- 'cause--
Vincenzo is Joe!
Which Joe?
My Joe. Nanny Joe.
You know, not-a-good-choice- for-a-father Joe.
Joe. Wow.
I know, right? Close call.
You don't have to thank me, but you can.
No, really, you can.
Mel, the reason I was having a hard time picking one of these anonymous donors is 'cause of all the unknowns, but now I know it's Joe.
Oh, you've put a face on that sperm.
But it's Joe's face, Joe's smug little face.
Yes, thank you, Mel.
You know, you have really eased my mind about this.
Hey, Joe it is.
Oh joy. My nanny is spawning.
Hey.
Hey.
All right, you're back from Jackie. How did everything go?
( Sighs ) Sometimes there's no talking to women.
Burke, you were supposed to stop her.
Yeah, I tried, but her uterus is like a freight train.
Okay, that's it. We have to pull out all the stops here.
You have my permission to go nuclear. You tell Jackie that I am Vincenzo.
I did, but that doomsday device didn't detonate.
Jackie is determined to have a baby-you in a skintight onesie, bench-pressing his rattle.
I don't want to have a baby with Jackie, all right?
If I'm gonna have a baby, I don't wanna know who the mother is.
Oh, and they say romance is dead.
You know what I mean, all right?
'Cause if Jackie has my baby, it's bound to happen she's gonna bring the baby over here, and of course it's gonna be just so friggin' adorable.
Okay, new plan-- you go down to the cryo bank and buy back all your... cryo.
Buy back my own stuff?
How's that gonna look, huh?
Tell them it's a recall. You just discovered you have a genetic defect.
You know, you were born with your head up your ass.
Did you know men are horrible?
I invented "men are horrible." What clued you in?
Haskell pretended to like something just because I like it.
Honey, that's great! That's the goal.
Only someone who really liked you would go through the trouble of faking that.
You don't understand. He wants to sell our book, because money means more to him than I do.
I'm sure that's not true. You just gotta give him a chance to prove it.
But wouldn't that be manipulative, in an evil girl sort of way?
Oh, well, I would never suggest you do that.
Because it would be wrong.
Very wrong.
( Cell phone whistles )
Tweet from Jackie.
"Congratulate me, everybody. Today is baby-making day and I'm going shopping for the secret ingredient."
Oh my God!
Jackie, stop. Am I too late?
Did you already buy the-- aww, look at the baby pictures.
You're so-- sorry, big blast of hormones. Okay, I'm focused.
Mel, my mind's made up.
I know you think that, but-- aww, there's twins!
Aren't you the cutest little thing?
I'm good. I'm good. We're talking about Joe.
Joe. You know, your baby's first words will be, "you know what this breast milk needs? A little basil."
I've already put in my order.
Jacqueline Miller?
Yes, I am Jacqueline Miller, and I've changed my mind.
No genetic material for me today.
Everyone else can fill 'er up.
Mel. I'm Jacqueline Miller.
I'm sorry, but the donor you're interested in is no longer available.
Really?! I mean, really?
But I wanted him.
So does a couple that wants a large family.
They bought out our entire supply last week.
Would you like to choose another donor?
No.
No, I've had my heart set on Vincenzo.
Honey, it's okay.
Some day your prince will come... along.
Along.
You're off the hook. Cheers!
Yay! Yes! Thank you, Burke. I owe you.
It wasn't just me.
Some other couple b*at Jackie to your entire stock.
So I was...
Sold out? ( Clears throat )
Yes, you were on back-order.
That's kind of cool.
Cool?
Yeah, I mean, I may never meet the right woman, so this may be the only way for me to pass on to mankind the gift of me.
Mankind might prefer to exchange you for a nice sweater.
Yeah? That couple knew a good father when they saw one.
You're not a father. You're genetic material.
I don't see a big run on to the banks to get to your eggs.
That's because I keep my reproductive stuff right here where nobody can get at it.
Some of us have respect for our bodies.
Oh my God, that is love in a can.
What's Jackie gonna do now?
You know, she'll move on. She'll regroup.
She's very resourceful.
Let's play charades. Who am I?
( Doorbell rings )
Yeah.
Oh hey, Jackie. Mel's not here.
I'm not actually looking for Mel.
Oh?
Aren't you gonna ask me in?
Please come in.
I'm sure Mel told you how disappointed I was that your stock was sold out.
Yeah, that's the free market for you-- you know, supply and demand. What are you gonna do?
Demand more supply, maybe see when the next shipment is expected.
Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna be going down to the cryo bank any time soon.
What do you say we just cut out the middleman and go direct to the manufacturer?
Hello, manufacturer.
Actually, Jackie, that factory's been shut down.
Actually, no, it still works. It still works very well, but it's being a little more selective now, you know, strictly for private events.
So I'm positive, though, there are plenty of other guys out there that'd be willing to help you out.
I don't want any other guys.
I want you, Joe Longo.
Thirsty?
'Cause I suddenly just became really parched.
So can I get you water or soda or something?
How about a cup of Joe?
That's a little double thing there, huh?
Come on, don't you want part of you to live on for future generations?
I have thought about that.
I want perfection and you practically have it.
No, Jackie, please, I'm flattered that you think I'm--
"practically"?
You know what? No, I just don't think that this is the right thing to do.
Okay, all right, I understand.
Look, you need a little time to think about it.
Is there a place we could go that's a little more private?
To talk.
You wanna talk?
Real bad.
I'm glad you called. I know how mad you were.
I was, but I needed to see you.
In the garage, near power tools?
Are you sure you're still not mad?
Not at all. I've been thinking.
If you wanna sell the book and I wanna keep it, then there's only way to resolve this-- divide it evenly.
The money?
No, the book.
( Saw whirring )
Cut it in half.
Wait, no no! Lennox, stop.
I want you to have the book. Maybe I'm not into poetry or fiction as much as you are, but I just wanted to make you happy.
All I want is for you to be happy.
All I want is for me to be happy.
See? We're both interested in the same thing.
Aw, you pass with flying colors.
Wait. This was a test?
No, that would be wrong.
But luckily, Haskell passed the test-- not that it was a test, but it was a test. A big test.
You took a pretty big gamble.
If he hadn't stopped you, you'd have destroyed your precious book.
Yeah, I came very close to destroying this copy of "The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants," in español.
Wow, you're diabolical.
Si. Muy diabolica.
♪ Look what someone ♪ ♪ bought me. ♪
Expensive new shoes.
Ooh, who got them for you?
I did.
Oh, sometimes I think I'm spoiling me.
Is there an occasion?
Yes, I have pretty feet.
And something very bad did not happen today.
What?
It would be inappropriate for me to tell you.
Let's just say trust me and be happy for all of us.
( Cell phone whistles )
Another tweet from Jackie.
"Okay, folks, trying again for a baby.
This time the old-fashioned way."
I should probably read these in my head before I say them out loud.
So Jackie's hooking up with a new guy?
Back in the saddle, riding the range.
Okay okay, yes yes.
How'd she find somebody so quickly?
Oh, you know Jackie. You can't keep her away from men.
She's always leaving her jacket places.
And her purse.
Holy crap!
This is nothing significant.
At all.
( Jazz music playing )
Tell me what you looked like as a baby.
Jackie, I can't lie--
I was adorable.
So was I.
This kid would have like a 100% chance of being the most gorgeous baby ever conceived.
Yeah, I guess it's really just math.
You can't deny the world that.
Joe, this is not about the pure sensual pleasure between two people.
Although there is that.
But this is about doing what's best for mankind.
Yeah, mankind.
I mean, I love mankind.
Mankind rocks.
Yeah.
Jackie, what are you doing?
Ovulating. Get out!
I need to talk to Joe, okay?
So put your eggs back in your pants.
( Music stops )
Don't you see what's happening?
Yeah, we were just talking about it. It's very simple, Burke.
It just boils down to future generations, math and possibly the world's hottest baby.
This is not the way you do this.
I was thinking about that and if I'm gonna have a baby, this may be the best way for me to do it.
Becoming a parent is not something you do on impulse, like buying Hubba Bubba at the checkout counter.
Joe has already made up his mind.
Jackie, I'll handle this.
Look, if I'm gonna have a baby, it's gonna be my choice and nobody else's, except, you know, maybe the other person.
And that other person is standing right here.
Jackie, if this is meant to happen, it can happen tomorrow.
No, nuh-uh, my fertility app says tonight is the night.
Come on, Joe.
You're really gonna keep all this perfection to yourself?
She's really making a lot of sense here.
She's just using you.
Mel, this is between Joe and me.
Okay, the real reason you guys can't do this is because I wanna have Joe's baby.
What?!
I got this.
What?
Joe, I want what you've got.
I've always wanted to have your perfect baby.
Mel, I had no idea.
Neither did I.
Though, I get it.
Jackie, I'm sorry. You're my best friend. I should have told you.
No no, I'm sorry.
If I had known, I would have never gone after Joe.
I mean, you knew him first so, you know, he's yours.
Well, if you hurry, I think you can still get some Lars before the bank closes.
Yeah, I guess I should move on.
I mean, I've got a few more good hours and a few more good eggs left.
Hey, you know what? No time to waste.
Thanks, Mel. Oh, Joe, good times.
Burke, what you were just saying--
Wow, Jackie is so gullible!
Me wanting you? Pfft!
Yeah yeah, pfft! I should have-- I mean--
I don't even know how I kept a straight face there, but I knew what you were doing.
I was following right along with you.
Like I'd ever wanna have your baby.
Like I'd ever let you have my baby.
( Laughing )
All right.
All right.
Hey, guys.
Everybody comfy?
Rest up for the big race.
Mommy loves you.
Ah!
Okay, I'm gonna officially call that a nightmare.