"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
So how do I look?
Oh, just like me!
I'm gonna go change.
No no no!
I just mean you look appropriate for an intern at city hall.
Just wait till your boss sees you.
You don't have to wait. I'm your boss.
I see you!
Yo.
Mel: Hey, check it out.
A pair of Mel Burkes.
Which is the scariest hand in poker.
Look at you all dressed up in your little intern costume, huh?
Yep, she's gonna shadow me for the next three weeks-- learn what I do, watch my every move.
Make sure you teach her how to do this one.
I got that one down. See?
Ooh, nice!
Not even close.
Amateurs.
Remember when we get to the office-- no special treatment and no pet names.
Okay? I'm Miss Scanlon, not honey, pumpkin or sugar booger.
All right, honey, but, you know, if a cake shows up that says "Best intern ever," I had nothing to do with it.
Aunt Mel!
Aw, honey, I'm kidding.
Cancel the cake.
Joe, I'm ready.
Here you go, buddy. There's your lunch.
Turkey sandwich, carrots...
And a damp sponge.
What? Sorry about that.
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Here you go, buddy.
You know, if given the choice, I'd prefer the sandwich.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Hope I didn't try to clean my shower with your sandwich.
Um, Joe, are you even awake yet?
I'm a little worried about you driving Ryder to school in your condition.
Relax, I know that route like the back of my hand.
I could drive it with my eyes closed if I had to.
In fact, I have.
I was by myself.
All right, let's go, sugar booger--
Fine, you can be my intern. Tell your own butt to get in the car.
This internship sucks.
Try doing the actual job, dude. Let's go.
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ as far as I can see ♪
♪ it's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ it's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ it's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me ♪
Attention, everybody, this is Lennox Scanlon, and even though she is my niece, I don't want anybody giving this pretty lady special treatment.
But yesterday you said that--
No, zip it, Wyatt.
So don't do the song?
No.
Intruder alert. Councilwoman Mueller is waiting in your office.
Oh, Mueller!
Is she, like, your BFF?
Yeah, big fish face.
I cleaned that up just for you.
Yeah, that woman is against everything I stand for.
You know she tried to stop wine sales on Sundays.
She knows that's my favorite drinking day.
And now she's plotting to k*ll the Toledo street scene.
But that music festival's been around forever.
Yeah, since I was a kid.
Exactly, forever.
Okay, I'm gonna let that go because it's your first day.
Betty.
Burke.
Such a pleasure.
Is it? I wasn't so sure after our last meeting.
I recall you referred to me as "turkey jowls."
With all due respect, I was told my microphone was off. and I believe it was in that same meeting that you called me "the esteemed council pimp."
I did say "esteemed."
Thank you for that. This is my intern, Lennox Scanlon.
Nice to meet you.
Well, this is my intern, Calvin something.
It's Cameron.
You want college credit or not?
All right, let's get down to this Toledo-street-scene business.
Your hippy hootenanny is a menace.
Pardon me, the street scene is a joyous celebration that brings the whole community together.
You know what else it brings? STDs--
Sewage, trash and debris, and actual STDs.
Neighborhood businesses are up in arms about the negative impact.
Since when is spending money a negative impact?
I have the numbers here direct from the chamber of commerce.
Miss Scanlon, would you make copies of these for my venerable colleague?
Got it, Miss Burke.
I have evidence too-- letters from local businesses demanding we shut it down.
Carlton?
Cameron.
Whatever! Copies!
I don't think my councilwoman likes your councilwoman very much.
I know. That was like a cage match with pantyhose.
Unfortunately, Mueller doesn't wear pantyhose.
How do you know that?
I blocked it out.
So how long have you been in the intern game?
Oh, wow. I go back like...
20 minutes.
A newbie. Um, I've been doing this forever-- three whole days.
Oh, so you can give me the 411.
Sure.
Uh, first I think you have to put your document facedown, but only if you want the words to show up.
So you mean bringing back blank pieces of paper would make me look bad?
I don't think anything would make you look bad.
As usual, you fail to grasp the complexity of this issue.
I think all that peroxide you put on your hair must have seeped through to your brain.
Hey, this used to be natural.
Listen, twinkie, when you've been on the city council as long as I have, you'll learn there's a lot more to politics than pandering to the stoners and the booze hounds.
And in all that time, no one ever taught you how to use mouthwash?
4289.
( Phone beeping )
I'll call you.
Not if I call you first.
Stop talking to her!
Stop talking to him.
Clarence, let's go!
What were you two doing?
Well, I was just being nice.
This is government. We don't do that here.
Whoa! Oh.
Catching up on some sleep?
No no no, I was just sitting here recharging my eyeballs.
In a puddle of drool?
What? Oh. Yeah.
All right, look, I may as well tell you.
Since I still can't seem to get a real executive job here in this country, I actually found a job overseas.
You did?
I did. It's just part-time.
It's actually an online consulting gig with this Russian finance company.
And when were you going to tell me about this moonlighting you're doing?
Well, if you hadn't walked in on me sleeping, probably never.
And how long has this been going on?
Just a few weeks, all right?
It's just a couple hours a day from 1:00 to 3:00.
Oh, that's not so bad. I mean, the kids are still in school then.
It's 1:00 to 3:00 a.m., because that's business hours in Russia.
Don't worry about it. It's not going to interfere with my job responsibilities here at the house.
The house you're about to burn down?
The what?
Oh my-- sh**t!
Oh, whoops. Hold on.
I hope you're in the mood for blackened lasagna.
Hey, you know, if there's a fire, just drool on it.
( Alarm beeping )
Hey, Aunt Mel.
Hey, Ryder, nice hickey.
Oh, God, is it-- is it that noticeable?
No.
Only from space.
Okay, help me. How do I get rid of it?
Oh, nothing works... From what I hear.
But if you want to try covering it up, I have some makeup.
Makeup is for girls. No way.
Damn, monster hickey.
Give me the makeup.
Top drawer of my bathroom vanity.
So what you workin' on?
Oh, my position paper for the street scene.
Mmm.
Hey, look, I want to apologize if I was a little curt with you today at work.
You know? It's just I don't want you getting too cozy with the enemy.
Cameron's not the enemy.
Cameron works for Mueller and Mueller plays dirty.
But I like Cameron.
Mmm, maybe you don't.
Mmm, maybe I do.
Mmm, maybe I don't want you talking to him any more.
( Knock on door ) I'll get it.
Hey, Lennox. Uh, Councilwoman Burke.
Maybe don't wait up for me.
Hey! Did you see that?
Promise me you'll never do that.
I don't even know what we're talking about.
Good. Boys are so much simpler.
Yeah. Hey, which one of these matches my skin tone better, bisque or ivory?
Neither. Anyone could see you're a buff peach.
Morning... Evening, whatever.
It's almost 1:00 a.m. You can't sleep?
Not a wink. Oh, good news is, I'm all caught up on "Storage Wars."
Oh, good.
Wow, business on the top, party on the bottom.
It's like the mullet of clothing.
I only consult from the waist up.
I got a meeting with Russia in a few minutes.
Well, you'd better get on the freeway.
Yeah. Um...
I know I'm going to regret this later, but, um... ( Exhales )
This thing that's keeping you up, do you want to talk about it?
I'm regretting it already.
It's this whole Lennox-Cameron thing. You know?
This internship was supposed to bring me and Lennox closer together.
What's the big deal? The kid had her home before her curfew.
Well, she shouldn't be going out with him at all.
This is politics, Joe.
What if Cameron is just using Lennox to get inside information?
Like what? The Toledo launch codes?
You know, I don't think this has anything to do with politics at all.
I think it has to do with you trying to dress Lennox up like a Mini Mel, and she's not you.
Yes, she is. Well, I mean, she could be.
As I expected.
This whole internship was about turning Lennox into you.
Why do you think people have kids, Joe?
You know? So that you have a newer, fresher version of yourself.
That way when you die, you didn't really.
Wow.
Okay, well, putting aside that very rational immortality argument, I don't see the problem if Cameron goes out with Lennox.
I mean, he's a boy, she's a girl.
Trust me, the last thing that's going to be on either of their minds is politics.
You know, when I was an intern for my dad, he would always want to talk about the bills he was working on, but the only bill I was interested in was Bill Hammond.
Oh, and Billy Ginsburg.
And Tattoo Bill down at the yogurt shop.
Once again, wow.
You know what? Maybe you're right, Joe.
I don't know why I was so worried.
It turns out that Lennox is just making out with some guy she just met.
Great, now I'm upset.
So I will send you a revised five-year performer with the adjustments that we discussed and then we can decide if the cash-flow estimates are within range.
Thank you, Mr. Longo. We're looking forward to reviewing it.
Do svidanija. Do svidanija.
Please, Mr. Longo, remain on the line for a moment so we can discuss the agenda for next meeting.
Of course, Miss Romanov.
The coast is clear, Joseph.
Let me just set the mood.
How do you say "voila" in Russian?
Voilà !
May I pour you a glass of champagne?
Yes, and I will pour one for you.
Why, thank you.
( Soft music playing )
I'd like to propose a toast to you.
Za vas.
Oh, by the way, I got the package that you sent for me.
Did you open it yet?
No, I wanted to wait for you.
My goodness. Thank you.
I love Russian poetry, I'll bet.
I also got the package you sent to me.
In fact, I'm wearing it right now.
Wow.
I really do know how to shop for me.
I mean, you.
Do you have a minute?
Of course, Miss Scanlon.
Actually, I'm here as Lennox-- you know, sugar booger.
Look, I'm sorry about last night.
I shouldn't have just run off. It wasn't right.
Aw, you know what? I was your age once, honey.
I've had my head turned by many cute bills-- uh, boys.
So we're okay?
Yeah, we're okay.
Great, because I've been giving the street scene a lot of thought and I had a couple ideas, so I just kind of integrated them into your position paper.
Wow. This is a lot of changes.
Eh, not that many.
Um, donation to defray sanitation costs; Possible change of venue.
A few compromise notions.
( Exhales ) These aren't compromisey; These are muellery.
Has Cameron been feeding you his boss's ideas?
You two were supposed to be making out.
What, I can't have a thought in my head unless someone else puts it there?
No, you can have a thought in your head, just not these thoughts.
You're supposed to be a mini me, not a mini Mueller.
I'm not a mini anybody. I'm a regular-sized Lennox.
And these are all my ideas.
Oh, did Cameron tell you to say that?
Oh, here's another thought that I just had all on my own: I'm through with this lousy internship. I quit!
But, Lennox!
And you know what?
I'm not wearing this stupid blazer any more.
'Kay! I'll see you at home, honey.
She really loves me.
What's up, Joe.
Hey, buddy.
Wow, that's a lot of makeup on that hickey, man.
You know, when I was your age, which was not that long ago, that was like a badge of honor. Don't you want to show that off to all your friends, show them what Holly did to you?
The thing is, um, it's not from Holly.
Ooh.
Wow. Okay. Well, if Holly finds out, you'd better get in the boyfriend protection program, brother.
So who's the lovely little lady who wouldn't let go?
I don't want to talk about it.
Understood. All right.
Why don't you wear a turtleneck, you know?
Or, um, get a bodyguard?
Dinner's ready.
Ugh!
Would someone please pass the salt?
Why, does Mueller like it salty?
I think I know how I like my food and where I like to eat it, and that's not with you.
So I'm going to take my dinner to go.
I'm taking my food to go first.
So after the whole financial scandal, everyone treated me like an outcast and I couldn't get a job anywhere.
So then I met Mel, and she took me in here and gave me this job.
And I've been here ever since.
You see, Elena, I'm not currently exactly the high-powered executive that you thought I was.
So, look, if you want to hang up right now, I would totally understand.
What? No no no. I'm-- I'm moved that you share this truthfulness with me, Joseph.
I wish I could share more.
You know what I wish?
That I was lying right beside you.
Damn, lady, you are k*lling me right now.
That is American idiomatic expression?
Yeah.
Yeah, it means, "why do you have to be so incredibly beautiful and so far away?"
Mel: Joe, can I talk to you?
Speaking of k*lling me right now, that's Mel. Let me call you right back, okay?
( Knocking on door )
Hey, sorry, I saw your light on under the door.
And to you that's the universal sign to please barge right in?
What's with all the candles and the champagne?
Are you about to get lucky with yourself?
Yeah, you know, but if I rush right into it, I feel cheap.
Plus if I buy myself dinner, I'm a lot more fun.
So what did you do-- just come up here to annoy the crap out of me or did you actually need something?
Oh, I really messed things up with Lennox.
But I wasn't wrong.
Seeing Cameron has totally corrupted her.
Mel, you cannot always try to control things, all right?
I mean, you can't tell someone that they can't fall in love with somebody that they work with.
Love?
Whatever it is. Look, the point is, you know-- I mean, if you're lucky enough in this life to make a connection with somebody, don't you owe it to yourself to see if it's for real?
As hard as this may be for you to believe, you know, you can fall for someone on the other side of a political issue-- or on the other side of the world, for that matter.
You know, I thought this whole internship thing would lead to some major aunt-niece bonding.
Like we were going to dish about legislation and switch outfits and see if anyone notices.
But now we're not even talking. She's totally rejected me.
She hasn't rejected you. She's just disagreeing with you.
Look, Lennox is smart and independent and fights for what she believes in.
You want to know what that makes her?
A big pain in the ass.
Yeah. She is mini you.
Oh my God, you're right!
Ah! She is a mini me.
I will live forever.
Aw! Oh my gosh I totally misread her.
I gotta go talk to Lennox right now.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. It's the middle of the night.
Yeah, well, this has to be said. I will leave you to your menage-a-Joe.
Lennox, wake up.
What's going on? Is there some sort of emergency?
Yes-- an us emergency.
Okay, well, unless one of us is on fire, I'm still not talking to you. Good night.
No, come on. Until I get this off my chest, I can't go back to sleep.
Then I guess I can't either.
Okay, look, I thought this whole thing was about you and Cameron and politics and loyalty.
But it's not. You know, it's about me letting you be who you are, not who I want you to be.
Please come back to work with me.
What if I don't agree with you? You know, what if the thoughts that come out of my brain disagree with the thoughts that come out of your brain?
That'd be fantastic.
You know, as long as it doesn't happen too often, or publicly.
Remember, me boss, you intern.
Fair enough.
Now about Cameron--
I hereby give you permission to see him.
You don't have to do that.
No, I do. I was wrong.
It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am big enough to acknowledge it.
That's great, but I don't want to see him any more.
What? But I was just so big right then. What happened?
I don't need a reason. He's just "eh."
Been there. "Eh" is the worst.
It's so true. You really are my mini me.
Oh, get off me.
Oh, it's like hugging myself!
Ow, you're on my hair.
Oh, I hate that too.
( Laughing )
Joey: Hey.
How was the Toledo street scene?
Busy serving me-- fried zucchini, fried jalapenos, fried pickles.
Jeez, Mel.
What? They're all vegetables.
Yeah, deep-fried and totally disgusting.
Uh, you mean delicious.
I think I know what I mean.
Well, you're entitled to your opinion, even if it's wrong, dummy head.
You're wrong, stupid pants.
Joey: Getting back to something important, when are you going to tell all of us, Ryder, who actually gave you that love bite?
Yeah, who hickified you?
Yeah, come on, spill it.
Fine.
If I tell you, you have to promise not to make fun of me.
All: Promise.
Okay, it was Sunday afternoon and I was sitting on the couch eating Graham crackers.
Announcer: First down at the 48 with a minute and 35 seconds left in the half...
( Continues, indistinct )
( Vacuum whirrs )
Ah!
( All laughing )
Come on, it's not that funny.
( Doorbell rings )
I'll get it. It's Wyatt.
He's bringing me some paperwork from the office.
Hello. Can I help you?
Yes, I hope so. Joseph!
Elena?
Surprise!
Elena!
Elena!
Hi.
Hey, it's Elena.
Who the hell is Elena?
So, do you two know each other or is she just the best cold-call salesman ever?
Oh, Mel. Sorry, yes.
This is Elena Romanov.
She is one of my Russian colleagues.
Oh, and you're just giving her the traditional Russian tongue greeting?
I could not bear the distance between us any longer.
So I used my vacation time and came here to beautiful Toledo, America, to surprise you.
I'm certainly surprised.
Ahem.
Ahe-he-hem!
You must be Mel.
Yes. Yeah, welcome.
Okay!
Sorry. I love to hug.
I heard so much about you.
Oh, yeah, me too. Your name is Elena, you had some vacation time and you love hugging.
Oh, and Elena, this is Lennox and that is Ryder.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Elena.
Yeah, that's who-- what are you doing?
Can-- do you--
What? I love to hug too.