Previously on "Melissa and Joey"...
Joe, this is Austin. My best friend growing up.
Yeah, I lived right next door to Mel.
I'm seeing a relationship start to, uh...
How do I put this?
Explode.
So how'd you get in touch with Austin again after all this time?
Mel: Facebook.
Joe thinks we may be more than friends. I think he may be right.
At least I hope he may be right.
Wait wait. Is this too weird?
I mean, up until kindergarten, we took baths together.
You know, you were like the brother I never had.
Are we really gonna kiss?
Sure!
"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Oh, no. It's happening again.
An hour ago, my friends Instagrammed from the bowling alley.
Now they're Instagramming from Waffle Palace.
Do you know what this means?
Your friends are tired and sticky?
No. It means I don't exist.
You get suspended from school and everyone forgets you're alive.
Oh, they forgot you in ninth grade.
But I can help.
See, there's a whole chapter in my psychology book on lonely nerds.
There is not.
All right. Well, nerds is in quotes.
All right, let's see.
"Outcast status can lead to learning difficulties, depression and lack of personal hygiene".
(Sniffs)
Dude, your head smells like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
When was the last time you actually washed your hair?
Um...
Okay.
All right, if you're saying "um," it's been too long. All right?
Ooh, the game's almost on. I gotta go. I got money on this game.
Well, it's only $2, but my Aunt Carlota's going down.
And look at that. The game is already on.
And Austin is rounding second.
This is not a spectator's sport, Longo.
Hey, Joe. We in your way?
No, not at all. Um... that's cool.
I'll be a great guy and just watch this once-in-a-lifetime match up on the um...
Yugoslavian 12-inch TV with rabbit ears.
Uh, well, a really great guy would be gone already.
That's where I was headed. I'm going, all right, look, have fun. Okay?
And just remember that on the other side of this door there are two, as yet, untraumatized teenagers.
But, uh, enjoy.
Wow, that sure rained out the game.
No, rain makes things grow.
I just think that perhaps we could find a more adult setting with a scooch more privacy.
How about something like this?
The Brighton Resort?
Mm hmm.
Hmm, fancy.
I made us a reservation. I think our first night together should be special.
Me too.
Have I ever told you how special this couch is?
We've waited like 30 years.
What's a little while longer, huh?
t*rture.
But a good, sweet, romantic kind of t*rture.
I was thinking this weekend.
(Sighs) You know what?
You've talked me into it.
Now get out.
What?
Why?
Well, you're too hot.
You can't stay here looking like this. You're like an open box of cookies.
Aw, that's sweet...
No... go! Go! Take your cream filling and get out of here.
(Snaps fingers)
♪ It's all good.
♪ All good!
♪ It's okay.
♪ Okay!
♪ It's all right.
♪ All right!
♪As far as I can see...
♪ It's all good.
♪ All good!
♪ It's okay.
♪ Okay!
♪ It's all right.
♪ All right!
♪I guess you're stuck...
♪With me.
Ryder. Hey, buddy.
Look, um, I know it can get very lonely being the only kid in home school so...
I got you a present.
Are you ready for this? You ready?
Hey! Get in here.
Ryder, I want you to meet Leland.
Leland, this is Ryder.
Hello.
Sit down. Sit down.
You rented me a dweeb?
No no no no. Leland another at-home school kid who lives in the neighborhood.
I swear you can find anything online.
Anyway, I made a deal with his mom.
So he's gonna be joining us for our government class from now on.
What's your Minecraft user name?
I don't play Minecraft.
I built a village in the forest and tamed the Ocelots before they mob spawned.
Actually, uh, I think my user name is "k*ll me now".
That's an awesome handle.
Look at you two getting along.
Hope you didn't mind driving with the top down.
Oh, not at all. Next time let's drive with my top down.
Oh! Hey, guys.
Hey, are you going to be heading over to the couch again?
Because if you are, Mel, I think we should maybe invest in some slipcovers.
No, Joe. He's just dropping me off. The couch is safe.
So Mel tells me you're a pretty good pool player.
Pretty good? Yeah I mean, it's how I put myself through business school with money left over but sure, we'll go with "pretty good".
Well, I just brought it up because I thought it might be nice for the two of you to hang out. You know, get to know each other.
Joe, you could make an effort.
I appreciate you trying to set me up on a man date, Mel, but, uh, I'm actually very happy being single.
Besides, I'm not really into the "Thor" type.
(Cellphone ringing)
Oh, I got to take this.
Minor crisis down at City Hall that requires a certain blonde charmer.
(Chuckles) That's me.
You know, buddy, I think you might like playing some pool down at my club.
Oh, you have a club?
The Toledo Athletic Club. I'm a member.
Yeah, I used to be a member. Back when I had, um...
What do you call it?
Money.
It's a great club. Some members already asked me to run for Vice President.
I was President.
When you had money.
Exactly. Yeah.
And back when they wouldn't let just anybody join.
So we're playing, aren't we?
Oh, yeah. Well, mostly me playing.
You'll be watching.
You an 8-ball man or a 9-ball man?
Honestly... (Sighing)
You know, it's really more how you prefer to lose.
Okay, one crisis put to bed.
Now, what is it gonna take to convince you boys to play a nice, friendly game of pool together?
Friday, 4:00.
Let's make it 5:00.
Ryder's got a teeth cleaning.
Done.
It's my unstoppable blonde charm. Works every time.
Okay. Let go now.
Let go!
Okay, Leland. Let's really try and concentrate on this one.
Joe says it's gonna be on the test.
"Compare and contrast the American revolution with another w*r of independence".
Jee shok bay.
Heghlu'meh qaq jajvam.
Dude, for the last time, you cannot write your essay in Klingon.
Bee loogh bay! Tu shooj!
Okay, how do you say this in Klingon?
If you don't stop that, I'm gonna punch your pointy ears off.
Actually, pointy ears are Vulcans.
Okay, that's it. You're not gonna live long enough to prosper.
Hey, Ryder. Can I see you a second?
You realize why that kid is bothering you so much?
See, according to Carl Jung, Leland is your shadow.
What do you mean?
I mean...
You can't stand nerdy Leland because you were always nerdy.
This is textbook stuff.
You don't like the geek in him because you don't like the geek in you.
No, that's ridiculous.
If you think I'm anything at all like him, you have much to learn, young Padawan.
Oh, no.
You've just been shrunk, son.
One game for me and one for you.
Nicely played.
Yeah, well, I figured I would spot you one. You know, kind of keep things interesting.
You're trying to psyche me out.
Personally, I don't do that kind of thing.
So tell me, Joe.
How does it feel to back in the club you can't afford to play in anymore?
You want to keep talking or just get straight to you losing?
Mel: Hey, everybody! Lady luck has arrived.
Thank you, Burke. It's the first time I've broken in like forever and not gotten a single ball in any of the pockets.
Yeah, but you set me up great. So many choices.
So is everyone playing nicely?
Oh, is that why you came here to be playground monitor?
Well, I know that when boys play unsupervised, they tend to, you know, k*ll each other.
Nice!
Nice? I practically put that ball in front of the pocket for him.
Yeah, thanks for that, Joe.
And that's one I set up for myself.
He's good.
When is it your turn again?
Whew. Winning is exhausting.
I think I need myself a little kiss break.
Now blow on the cue for luck.
And that's just a preview of what's to come at the hotel tonight.
Puke in the corner pocket.
What? The hotel has a pool table.
Aw. I'm sorry I couldn't be better luck.
That's okay. I think I can find someway to console myself.
You guys...
This is why I don't come here anymore.
Can we... okay. You know what? I need you...
Hey, can you guys move it please? Because you're right in my line of sight.
Oh, sorry.
Oh.
Thank you. Off the table, all right?
Thanks so much.
Thanks so much. Thank you. Thank you.
(Squeals and giggles)
(Cue stick thuds)
Oh!
Did I just hit him where I think I hit him?
(High-pitched whimper) (High-pitched groan)
That would be a yes.
Hey, you know what, buddy? Um...
Why don't we just call this a draw?
Hey. All right, so...
What did the doctor say?
You broke my boyfriend, Joe.
You ruptured major vessels in his male fun zone.
Yeah, the doctor said I can't do anything that might create blood flow to that part of the body.
How am I supposed to stop that, huh?
Huh, wear an invisibility cloak?
I'm sorry.
No, you're not understanding. We can't have sex for a week.
Okay and tonight's hotel reservation is nonrefundable.
I was supposed to be naked right now.
I said I'm sorry. It's not like I did it on purpose.
Oh, of course not.
Oh, come on. Look, I like Austin.
You know, the guy just doesn't know where to stand when you're playing pool.
Oh, you're blaming him?
So I suppose his groin charged full speed into your pool cue.
Wh... (Grunts)
That was no accident, Joe.
Are you kidding? That's the very definition of an accident.
You ever see "America's Funniest Home Videos", that would win like every week.
Why would I do something like that on purpose?
Who knows?
Go see a therapist and find out what's driving that muscle-bound brain of yours.
For your information, I don't have any muscles in my brain, baby, but if I did...
It would be insanely well-defined.
So the American Generals in their fight against King George III...
Were really very similar to?
The Jedi commanders who helped the rebel forces in their fight against the Empire?
Affirmative.
I mean, yeah.
I think we're onto something here.
Thanks, Ryder.
(Camera shutter clicks)
What you doing?
I'm just updating my Instagram.
Hey, that's a photo of me. Why'd you post that?
To let the world know how me and my best bud have been totally partying down.
It's like a million photos of us.
Just 87...
A Romulan's dozen.
Well, delete them.
Why would I do that?
People could see these.
Well, that's kind of the point of Instagram.
Dude, doing homework on opposite ends of a dining room table is not partying and we are not definitely not friends!
Oh.
I see.
Wait, Leland, I just meant that...
I got your meaning loud and clear.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to hang out with my real friends...
In the Pokemon chat room.
(Door closes)
He's gone.
Yes!
Hey, Joe. You got any plans for Christmas?
No. No I'm not gonna be doing anything.
Really? Oh. I heard you're starring in "The Nutcracker".
Funny. But despite what your Aunt says, it was a total accident.
Okay? Although she thinks I had some deep, subconscious motivation.
And that I ought to get my head examined.
Hmm.
And how did that make you feel?
She's way off base. I mean, I had no hidden agenda.
So you're not bothered by her relationship with Austin?
No, not at all. You know what I always say...
"You gotta live and let live".
Yeah, I've never heard you say that.
I say it late at night after you're asleep, okay?
Look, it's just that I've seen these Facebook childhood hookups before, and they never end well, I just wish your Aunt would look ahead of her to find a guy instead of behind her.
From what I heard, you're the one who should have been looking behind.
It was an accident.
Tell you what, Joe.
As an experiment, let's pretend that hitting Austin wasn't an accident.
Why do you think you hit him?
I was distracted.
I mean, you know, she walks into the pool hall and immediately starts playing kissy face with Austin.
I had a sh*t perfectly lined up. I was about ready to take it.
You know, and then I hear...
(Mocking Mel) Ooh, you're so fine. Uh!
So your whole attitude changed when Mel showed up.
Her butt was on the table.
So you got distracted by the presence of her butt.
What are they teaching you in that school, huh?
The sight of buttocks incited strong...
Hey hey hey. No no, don't don't... don't write anything down.
Joe, I'm merely suggesting that whatever your feelings for Aunt Mel are...
They may be stronger than you're willing to admit.
You know what I think? I think you're very lucky you're not in my home school, because you would be flunking psychology right now.
I can see you this time again on Thursday.
Ewe ewe! No. I'm not... no.
Now for a perfect crust, you want to make it not too thin, but even.
So you need a smooth, steady roll.
Here you go.
A little flour.
Okay, I don't think I'm doing this right.
Here, let me help.
Like this. Like this.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
See, doesn't that feel nice?
Yeah.
Okay, I think I'm getting the rhythm now.
Uh, it's going back and forth so easily.
It is.
It's nice.
Oh, yeah.
Wait. Austin, hold on. I thought the point of this baking was to keep our minds off the sex we can't be having.
Yeah, that was the original idea.
Okay. Well, it's not working at all.
All I'm thinking about is what we could do with that butter.
Oh!
Okay.
You need to stand over there. Way out of grabbing range.
This is about baking, nothing else.
Got it, right.
Well, the dough looks perfect. I think we're ready to put it in.
The pie tin.
Just pinch the edges.
Okay.
Austin: Like so.
Beautiful.
I was thinking the same thing.
Okay, don't give me that "I'm gonna kiss you" look.
Doctor said none of that for at least a week.
It's tough. I always have that look around you.
You know, it's funny.
Even though I've known you my whole life...
Every day there's like a new first with you.
Oh, what about doctor's orders?
Oh, let him fill his own pie.
Was that dirty?
Right now, everything is.
(Banging on door)
(Banging continues)
Don't get up.
Are you Ryder Scanlon?
Yes.
I'm Keira Guckenheim-Schapp.
Nice to meet you.
Leland's sister.
Mm.
My brother told me what you said to him.
Look, I don't know...
You told him you'd never be friends with someone like him.
Must have made you feel real big, huh?
Not everybody can be as popular as you, Ryder Scanlon.
I'm popular?
Oh, sure. Announce it to the world.
Yeah, sorry. What I mean is...
Think how the other guy feels for once.
From now on, I expect you to treat my little brother with some respect.
Wait, hold on.
Look, maybe I was a little harsh on your brother, but I've been under a lot of strain recently.
Maybe I'm forgetting how to interact with people. I don't know.
I've been home schooled for an entire month.
That's your excuse?
I've been home schooled my whole life.
What are you eating?! A processed baked good?
My mom hasn't let me have refined sugar since my little brother's eighth birthday.
Not to mention, the wound he gave the clown was totally superficial.
Yeah. Well, my mom lets me eat processed baked goods because she's in prison.
I'm sorry! I didn't know that!
Well, now you do!
Still no excuse! You should act nicer!
You can't tell me how to act!
Fine! Keep being a jerk!
I will!
Jerk!
Like bowling?!
Love bowling!
You want to go sometime?!
That sounds delightful!
Okay, I'll get your number from Leland!
Can't wait!
Wow.
The rarely-seen mating ritual of nerds.
What the heck happened in here?
I baked a pie.
Ah, hands off, Longo!
Keep your fingers out of my pie.
Oh, I see baking relaxes you. So um...
How's Austin's, uh...
You know the... the... (Whistles)
Fun zone?
Yeah, still closed for repairs.
And he had to go home and take an ice bath after I inadvertently aroused him.
You know, you just can't turn this off.
So look, I've been thinking a lot about that, actually.
You may not have been completely wrong about the whole subconscious motivation thing, you know, with the incident that...
You know, with the... occurring...
Wow, you can't even say it.
When I whacked him in the chicken tenders. You happy?
So you did do it on purpose.
No no. I didn't do it on purpose, all right? But...
It got me thinking and stirred up some feelings.
About?
About...
You and Austin and...
Me.
I'm jealous.
Jealous?
I'm jealous, because...
In what Universe do you get to have a healthy relationship before me?
That just doesn't make any cosmic sense.
Oh, you're jealous about the relationship, not Austin? Like you said.
Yeah, exactly. Oh! And um...
I got you a little something.
It's a romantic weekend getaway for two at the Millard Hotel.
For you and Austin. And the dates are flexible so you guys can go whenever, you know, he get's off the grounded-groin list.
So...
Enjoy.
Joe, I'm stunned.
This is so mature and generous.
So unlike you.
Well, you know, people grow and change.
And as a matter of fact, I followed your lead on this one and I ended up Facebooking this girl that I went to junior high with...
Very cute girl actually...
And one thing led to another, and tonight, I have a date.
She flew in from Jersey?
No, the junior high girl was a friggin' mess.
But after I got done Skyping with her, I ended up hooking up with this barista at the coffee shop where I was.
She's an aspiring lingerie model.
Her name is Chardonnay.
You want to see her?
She's only working there part-time until she breaks out.
Looks like she's breaking out of that top right now.
Yeah, it does. Doesn't it?
Anyway, when she's done with work, we're gonna go out and take in a midnight showing of...
Well, her. (Laughs)
So I got to thank you, Burke because I never would have put myself out there if it wasn't for you. So...
Have a good night. I will see you...
Tomorrow.
I don't need sex. I've got pie.
Pie beats sex...
Never!
Got everything you need for bowling?
Yeah, brought socks for two.
Those rental shoes are disgusting.
Oh, and snacks.
What are you allowed? Granola? Dried string beans?
I was thinking some of those processed baked goods of yours.
That can be arranged.
So, Keira, have you always been attracted to nerds?
I don't know what you mean.
I'm just wondering if your attraction to geeky boys is a preference or is it due to some genetic predisposition.
Bruno Bettelheim would say that your interest in your brother's romantic life seems outside the boundaries of a healthy sibling relationship.
Wouldn't you agree?
Yeah, well, Freud would say...
"I know you are, but what am I?"
You totally home schooled her.
All right, let's go bowling.