Melissa & Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
1500 bucks for a storage locker? Why are they bidding so much?
Well, because he's just trying to screw the other guy over.
See, it's not really about the storage. It's about the w*r.
All boys out because I got a friend coming over.
Where're your television manners?
I'm out.
Leave my beer.
Yeah, I was just clearing.
So let me guess. 10 o'clock at night cookie dough...
One of your gal pals just got dumped and you're the friend that's on call.
Yeah, you got a problem with that, women are supportive of their friends no matter the hour.
Oh my God, you're being defensive. It's Anita, isn't it?
So what if it is? She's one of my oldest friends.
Yeah, sure, one of your oldest friends.
That ruined your 20th birthday party when she was making out with your boyfriend.
Oh, and ruined your 25th birthday party when she put ecstasy in your punch.
And ruined your 30th birthday party when she invited that stripper over who was dressed up as a cop and then he robbed everybody.
Oh, you do listen to my stories.
Well, yeah, sure. The Anita one's stick because of all the crazy glue.
Mel, this girl is no good for you. You've outgrown her.
She needs me. She gives me these puppy-dog eyes, and I can't say no.
[Doorbell rings]
Don't do it.
Don't open that door, Mel, and become that blonde that gets k*lled in the first three minutes of a horror movie.
I am capable of boundaries.
You know, it'll be one hour, some cookie dough, a cleansing cry, and it's good night, Anita.
Yeah, okay. That could work if you drive a stake through her heart.
Melly.
Anita.
Aw.
Hi.
Oh, look at me. I am a raw open wound and you're the beautiful nurse I need.
Oh, that I am.
Okay, well, let's get you hooked up to a cookie dough I.V.
And talk about what a jerk that Henry is.
For only an hour...
Because that's all the time he deserves.
Actually, the medicine I need to get over Henry is a few Martinis and a cute bartender.
I know about a party downtown. We got to go.
No, no, no. This girl's not going anywhere tonight.
But you're the only one I can count on. There is no one else.
Nurse?
I'm really sorry, Anita.
But I have a really big meeting with the Mayor first thing in the morning.
Oh, but Mel...
Don't give me the puppy-dog eyes.
Okay, I'm not putting on my little black dress and my platform heels and going out tonight.
Not gonna happen.
[Groans]
I need aspirin.
Horse aspirin.
There's a guy in my head with a hammer and one of us must die.
Uh, you're just getting home?
What happened to one hour and bye-bye, Anita?
Uh, you have no idea of the power of the puppy-dog eyes.
♪ I guess you're stuck...
♪With me.
I realize this meeting's been set for three weeks and I'm so sorry I missed it, but I was really hoping that the Mayor might be able to reschedule for some time later today.
Please don't laugh.
[Dial tone]
Hello.
Anita made you miss your meeting with the Mayor? [Scoffs]
Look at that. She's ruining your life and it's not even your birthday.
You know what? I'm gonna call back and say my great-aunt Agnes d*ed.
Yeah, and it's not a lie because she did die like eight years ago.
Look at what Holly's done to me.
Holly? I thought your ex-girlfriend was done doing things to you.
No, look, last week she unfriended me and everyone's followed her like sheep.
I used to have 683.
Now I'm down to the 400s.
I have less than grandma.
Well, your grandma rocks a little harder than you do.
It's eroding my self-esteem.
Yeah? You know what would be good for your self-esteem?
To impress your teacher, which is me.
You still owe me that thousand word essay on a Shakespeare play.
Friggin' Shakespeare.
[Mockingly] Ooh, I wrote 500 plays.
I kissed Gwyneth Paltrow.
Well, on her death bed, my aunt Agnes said...
Honey, do well with that meeting with the Mayor.
[Dial tone]
Hello?
Hello?
I don't understand why you just didn't ditch Anita last night and come home.
It's not like you were handcuffed to her.
Actually, I was handcuffed to her.
Anita dragged me to a very strange party.
No, not that kind of party.
There was a magician and not a very good one.
Yeah, have you ever tried to find a 24-hour locksmith with a passed-out woman attached to you?
No comment.
What else needs to happen before you dump this woman, huh?
What, does she need to set you on fire?
Oh, she already did that.
Spring break junior year, she talked me into doing flaming body sh*ts.
The good news, I didn't have to get a bikini wax for a whole year.
Look, you need to get rid of this friend and you know I'm right.
I know, but how do you end it with a friend?
The same way you end it with an employee.
Look, in my previous life, before this kitchen, I fired a lot of people and I fired them well.
Look, let me show you how it's done. Okay, you be Anita and I'll be you.
Okay.
All right. Anita, hey, listen.
Effective today, I'm terminating this friendship between the two of us.
This is a very difficult conversation to have, but neither are we mutually benefiting from this relationship anymore.
But I am sure that with your winning attitude and your positive personality, that you will find a new friend in no time.
Thank you so much. Good luck.
I didn't get to say anything.
Yeah, that's how it works. You've just been fired...
By the best.
[Door locks]
[Door rattles]
Hey, hey! [Knocking]
Don't make me call Security.
Oh man, I need to see what time I'm supposed to pick up my little sister, but my phones dead.
Can I borrow yours?
Oh, yeah, sure.
My pass code is 2742, oh my God.
I just gave you my pass code.
Wow, that's true. You did.
I never did that before with a boy.
I'm your first?
You are.
Mine's 8432.
Uh, I'll never forget it.
Wait, what was it again?
8432.
Right.
Yeah.
Speaking of numbers, I was wondering, did you ever get your SAT scores?
No.
Nah, I don't know what happened. It's weird, you know?
They sent it to the wrong email, I guess.
Maybe SAT stands for sorry about that.
Hey, guys. You two are so cute.
When I used to tell my mom that I was at my boyfriend's studying, we were actually...
Studying, just studying. Carry on.
Aren't you curious, though? I mean it's kind of important.
No, the colleges see the SAT scores so I don't need to see mine.
Not like it's gonna change my life.
Uh, you are so evolved.
He is so lying! Why is he lying?!
I showed him mine and he won't show me his.
And just to be clear, we're still talking about SAT scores here?
What's he hiding?
We just swapped phone pass codes and now he's keeping secrets?
Men are sensitive about the size of their scores.
Oh, so you think he didn't do so hot.
Lennox, you did extremely well.
I'm sure he's embarrassed and afraid you won't want to date him when you find out his scores are...
Well, technically... [Squeaks]
Well, I'm not gonna judge him for his score.
I mean, if I did better, I did better.
Honey, you have to be careful with guys and their egos.
Men are fragile creatures. Tread lightly.
You should tell him that you don't think SAT scores are important.
So just say something that makes him feel good?
Yeah, everyone likes to have their egos stroked.
Especially if they're a little insecure.
Thanks, aunt Mel.
You always know just what to say to make me feel better.
And you're so wise and so pretty.
Thanks, honey.
Wait a minute.
Hello, Joe.
Hey.
Wow, look at you. You look great.
Like you just lost 120 pounds...
Of unwanted friend.
I did exactly what you told me to with Anita.
I put my arm around her shoulder. And I gave her the heave-ho speech.
And I heaved that hoe.
Yeah, and we had a good-bye hug and there hasn't been a call or text since.
Anyway, Anita is now in my rear view mirror and fading fast.
Go on, admit it. It felt good, didn't it?
Yeah, it kinda did.
Yeah, that's the assassin's rush.
God, I miss that.
All right, a quarter pound of Buratta, my loaf of Focaccia, my truffle oil.
Where's my Soppressata?
Sold the last quarter pound to the lady over there.
Aldo, that's my standing order. I get that order every single week.
I can't believe you just gave my Soppressata to somebody else.
She's got better legs than you.
Excuse me, Miss. I'm sorry, I think you have my...
Anita.
Joe?
Hey, I didn't know you shop here. This is my spot.
Well, I don't come here often, but I was picking up things for a friend's gallery opening.
And I just knew this would be the place to...
Steal my Soppressata?
Well, I am not giving it back.
Not that I could stop you with those arms of yours.
I just want to touch them.
I know.
I'm sorry. I didn't ask permission.
You know, first taste is free.
I'll tell you what. I'll give you the Soppressata...
Oh that's very generous of you.
But you have to promise to come to the gallery tonight with me.
Oh jeez. Uh... no, I don't think I should do that.
I mean, with everything going on between you and Mel, I don't really want to get in the middle of that.
Oh, but Joe...
Whew, so I have to tell you that gallery show was pretty good.
But it's a shame they couldn't frame what we just did because that was a work of art.
[Both giggle]
[Whistling]
Mel, hey. It's almost 9 o'clock. Why are you still here?
Well, I couldn't decide if I wanted to wear my hair up or down or half-up half-down.
It's on your head. It looks great. That's the most important thing.
Now let's get you off to work.
But I haven't had my coffee yet.
Grab it on the way. Go to one of those little mom and pop places.
It will help the economy. Come on.
I don't think so.
All right, so go to a big chain. It all just trickles down anyway.
The most important thing is nothing delays you from leaving this house.
Okay, what the hell are you so jumpy about?
Oh. You had a sleepover party.
Hello, Mel.
With Anita?!
Oh, Mel, I'm so sorry. Joe said you were gonna be gone.
I didn't want there to be any awkwardness.
Luckily we dodged that b*llet.
I didn't plan this, but now that we're all here, you know what might lighten the mood?
If I mix us up a batch of mimosas.
I could always toss in a little ecstasy.
Just joking.
It's not your birthday.
That was funny.
Okay no alcohol for me, thanks.
I like to keep my wits about me, and my job, and my blouse... is that mine?!
What this? No. [Scoffs] No.
You think I snuck into your room and pulled it out of your closet?
[Laughs]
Silly.
That really is silly, Mel. That's so silly.
All right, well...
Call me later.
Okay.
All right.
How could you have her over here when I worked so hard to get rid of her?
She is crazy and manipulative and selfish.
And that was definitely my blouse.
I got to tell you, Burke. A little crazy is kinda fun sometimes.
And she is not selfish. Believe me.
Okay, so all that matters to you is the Longo bongo.
No. No, look. She gave me her Soppressata right out of the bottom of her basket.
Is that some sort of Italian sex code?
No, don't even tell me!
It's Italian cold cuts.
I ran into her at Aldo's and sparks flew.
So she just happened to be at Aldo's, the gourmet store you go to every Monday?
Don't you see what's going on? She stalked you. [Gasped]
She gave you the puppy-dog eyes, didn't she?
No! [Scoffs]
I don't know.
She might have.
This is her plan.
Anita is sleeping with you so she can be friends with me again.
See, you are simply the road back to me.
Hey, hey. I am not the road back.
Okay, I am the destination.
I am the pot of gold.
Road back.
Pot of gold.
Okay you know what? I refuse to continue this juvenile exchange.
Road back!
I just feel really bad because we had a wonderful afternoon where we swapped pass codes.
And then I kind of ruined it by asking you about your SAT's.
Which was wrong because grades and numbers don't matter.
I'm glad to hear it.
I don't want there to be any secrets between us. The truth is I...
Did get my SAT results back. I just didn't want to tell you.
Aw, Sweetie, that's okay. You know scores aren't important.
I got a 2300.
You b*at me by 200 points?!
No freaking way!
It's 250.
What, are you saying I can't add?
Technically you can't subtract.
But how is this even possible? I mean you're an artist.
Wait, so what are you saying? Artists aren't smart?
Well, yeah, they have like spatial intelligence.
See, this is why I didn't want to tell you.
Oh, what? You thought I'd overreact?!
Let's just not talk about SAT scores anymore.
Why don't I help you with your chem Midterm?
I don't need your help.
I will do just fine on my own. In fact, I will bury you.
My own sister unfriended me. We once shared a bathtub.
Well, yeah, the last thing I want to do is alienate Holly.
You're worried about hurting my ex-girlfriend's feelings?
Because trust me she has no feelings.
She's like scary powerful. She has over 2,000 friends.
You don't mess with a connector like that.
Zander, buddy.
How's it going, man?
Bad.
Lennox is freaking out because I outscored her on the SAT's.
[Laughs] You told her what you got?
The SAT's do not measure common sense apparently.
Yeah, I don't know a lot about girls, but I do know a lot about Lennox.
Let her win unless you want a battleship shoved up your nose.
Wow, it smells amazing in here. What's for dinner?
Oh, we're gonna start off with a little Bruschetta, then go to mussels with white wine.
And for the finale, handmade lobster-stuffed ravioli.
Wow, what did I do to deserve all this?
Not a damn thing. It's for Anita.
What do I get?
Egg salad sandwich.
I think those dark spots in there are bacon bits.
Funny how all of your dates with Anita seem to take place at my house where I am.
Wrong. Tonight we're gonna be eating this at her place.
Yeah, I thought it would be nice for us to dine where the ambiance is a little less...
You.
Oh, I see.
I suggested her place and she said yeah, great.
Well, then I guess, good for you.
[Joe's phone rings]
Look at that, it's Anita.
[Beeps]
Hey.
Yeah, I'm just packing up. I'll be over in a few.
You had a what?
A gas leak? Are you okay?
Um, yeah, no. That's fine. We could...
We could just eat over here.
Okay, I'll see you shortly.
Bye-bye.
Hmm. Gas leak, that's convenient.
You can't see it and there's no lingering evidence.
What are you saying?
Duh is what I'm saying.
This meal was never gonna take place at her house, Joe.
She's after me.
Uh-uh. No, no. You know what?
She's into me, okay. And I can prove it to you scientifically.
So clearly as a matter of fact that even you with your blonde helmet of denial will have to accept it.
All right? Look, I got a plan.
I'm just gonna need your help.
Yeah, sure. You know I'll do whatever I have to do to make you look like a fool.
Just eat your crappy sandwich.
Jokes on you. It's delicious.
[Doorbell rings]
Yeow, I got my test back.
That chem Midterm b*at me up and took my lunch money.
Oh, I'm sorry. Not that grades are important, but how bad?
A C minus.
I got an A minus, ha!
Why did I say that? What is wrong with me?
It's okay, babe. We share. You were just sharing loudly.
It's not like it's a competition.
But to me it is.
Oh my God. I'm competitive... too competitive.
It's just who you are.
Yeah, but it's not who I want to be.
You know I need to become a better person. Maybe even the best person...
Oh my God, I'm doing it again!
How can you stand having me as a girlfriend?
Because you're an amazing girlfriend.
The best girlfriend ever.
And that's a competition you can't help but win.
Aw.
You know what other competition you win?
Best sister.
I'm not refriending you.
Not in real life, just on Facebook.
I'm down to nine friends.
And soon you'll be down to zero.
Just let go.
Look, I'm sorry you did so poorly on your test, but I know what'll fix this.
We got a hidden stash of Ryder's pork rinds in the garage.
Hey, those are for friends only.
That's why there's so much of it out there.
A C minus, huh?
So you listened to your Uncle Ryder, tanked the test on purpose, let her win, good man.
Actually, I would never t*nk a test. That's my buddy Dan's test.
And luckily he smokes a lot of weed.
Yeah, I just whited out his name and put in mine.
Wow, nice twist. I did not see that coming.
You know we could learn a lot from each other.
How about I friend you?
I don't think Lennox would like that very much.
You know what she wouldn't like?
Finding out that you lied to her about the whole test thing.
Okay, friend request accepted.
Yes! Back to double digits.
To us.
Yes.
To us.
Anita, let me ask you something.
Do you think it's a little strange that you and I are always having our meals here in Mel's dining room?
I don't mind.
Anywhere you are is the place I want to be.
That's so nice to hear.
And yet not surprising.
Hey, I hope you like the wine.
This is a very special bottle.
[Loudly] It's a very special bottle!
Mel, what are you doing here? I thought you were working late tonight.
Well, that didn't happen. What's the big deal, Joe Longo?
I'm just trying to have a romantic dinner here with Anita.
Well, this date is over.
My house, my rules. You don't like it, you can get out!
You... you know what? Um...
[Awkwardly] Maybe I will. Okay? Because this has been a long time coming and that small final act has been the tipping point that has finally...
Tipped me.
I quit.
Wait, what?
Oh, well, real quick. Before you quit, you're fired!
No, you guys can still work things out.
No, I don't want to work things out.
Come on, Anita. We will be so much happier, the further we are away from her.
But... but breaking things off is such a drastic step.
I mean especially when it's someone as great as Mel.
No, but I want to. Come on, lets get out of here.
We'll never have to see her ever again.
But I was so close to getting her back!
What was that, Anita? I don't think Joe heard you, one of his brains is deaf.
Look, I want you back in my life, Melly.
And I was willing to take desperate measures to make that happen.
I'm desperate measures?
I'm the pot of gold.
That sounded bad.
You think?
You're sweet, Joe. But you were a means to an end...
A fun and very bouncy...
Means to an end.
You know what?
I'm okay with that.
Anita, I think it's time for you to go.
Oh, but Mel...
Hey, she's doing the eyes. Look away. Look away.
Mel, don't you want all your blouses back?
All?! How many did you take?
Write them off, Burke, It's the cost of doing business.
Anita, listen. Listen. I'm so sorry.
This is not gonna work out, but I'm sure with your...
Winning attitude and your very dangerous personality, that you'll have no problem scamming your way into another friendship very soon.
So thank you and good luck.
Why are the hot ones always so damn crazy?
Look, I know that was hard for you.
If it's too painful, we don't have to talk about it.
No, it's okay. I'm a big boy. I can handle it.
Well, in that case...
♪ I was right. I was right.
♪ I was right...
Boom.
I don't know how...
I don't know how people can be friends with you.
I mean I don't... I don't...
I don't see the appeal. I really...
I'm still not seeing it.
I'm back! I'm back big time, look at this.
800 new friends in the past two hours.
How is that even possible?
I accepted a friend request from aunt Mel's friend Anita.
What?
What?
Yeah, and she started posting all these pictures of herself sunbathing in Costa Rica and all of a sudden I blew up.
Take that, Holly. In your face.
Oh, wow.
Anita wants to stop by a little later. Say, hi.
Man, she is the coolest.
No! Lock the doors. Lock the doors.