Melissa & Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
All set to sh**t your segment?
Oh, almost, Kyle.
Hey, Joe.
Yeah.
Which pose says elect me to State Senate, but I'm also sexy, fun, and dateable.
The finger on the chin or the hand on the hip?
I think this is way more Beyonce.
Burke, you're standing in the kitchen. The whole setup is really unbelievable.
Kyle: Okay, we are good to go.
This is household safety spot, take one...
And go.
Hello, Toledo. I'm councilwoman Mel Burke.
And if disaster strikes, I want you to be prepared.
You know, it is easy to prepare yourself by stocking your kitchen with emergency water, canned goods, and a manual can opener, just like the cowboy days.
Uh, and you just...
Oop.
I'm used to using the electric kind, but...
Okay, well, no wonder the Cowboys used to always sh**t at each other.
[Chuckles] Um...
Come on, Bessie!
Allow me, councilwoman.
[Clears throat]
Okay, let this pop.
There we go.
Okay.
I loosened it for you.
[Laughs]
By banging it against the counter like a monkey.
This is Joe my can opener.
Wow, can opener. That would be a promotion.
Okay, how about can open, mouth closed?
All right, Joe, you can take a few steps to the right.
Why?
Well, so the camera can't see you.
Thank you. All right, um... [clears throat] Where was I?
Well, you were having trouble opening this can, and then I came in and saved you.
And now you want to talk about how important it is to have bottled water on hand.
Absolutely.
Everyone should have two good-sized jugs.
I can't argue with that.
That was great.
We'll start airing these on Good Morning Toledo right away.
You know, Mel, you are a natural on camera.
Oh, I know. Back in college, during spring break, I was one of the very first girls to "go wild."
Listen, I'm losing my regular host for a little while.
He's having a little medical procedure. Can't say much more than that, but, uh...
I hear you. My mom's all about the...
Not to mention the... [whistles] And the... [sucking sound].
Say no more.
So how would you like to be guest host for a week?
Me?
Mm hmm.
Oh, that's very flattering, but I don't know.
With my work schedule and the State Senate campaign.
It would put your face in front of the voters after all, most people vote for the most famous name on the ballot.
As our forefathers intended.
I mean you think Lincoln would have been elected without that movie?
Exactly.
So you on board?
Well, I can't say no to Ohio.
That's great. Hey, Joe, she's in.
Hey, fantastic.
Wait, what's going on?
Hi, I'm your new co-host.
What? No, I'm the host.
There's no co-anything.
I sparkled on camera. You just opened a can.
A can of awesome.
See? This snappy back-and-forth, that's TV gold.
That's what next week is gonna be all about.
No, no, no. I can do the back-and-forth all by myself. No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
Wait, I forget which one I am now.
Fine, I'll co-host.
♪ It's all good.
♪ All good!
♪ It's okay.
♪ Okay!
♪ It's all right.
♪ All right!
♪As far as I can see...
♪ It's all good.
♪ All good!
♪ It's okay.
♪ Okay!
♪ It's all right.
♪ All right!
♪I guess you're stuck...
♪With me.
Good morning.
Hey, good morning, buddy. I'm actually feeling generous today, so how about you take a little break from your schoolwork and you watch your aunt and I on Good Morning Toledo?
I'd rather do chemistry or slam my fingers in a drawer.
Yeah, I know. You can just press the mute button when your aunt talks.
That's what I usually do in my head.
Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. You take that shirt off.
What? Why?
It's the same color as my dress.
Are you crazy? This shirt is cerulean, all right?
What you're wearing there, that's like cobalt at best.
No, no, no. This is cerulean. Ryder, am I wrong?
Yeah, like I want to get in the middle of this.
We look like a singing duo from the '70s.
No, you've got to change your shirt.
Why do I have to change?
Because you and I have to leave in five minutes.
And your outfit doesn't involve complicated elastic undergarments...
As far as I know.
Fine, I'll change.
You know, you're lucky I look good in every color of the rainbow.
Except like taupe or beige because they sort of just like blah me out.
Lennox, breakfast! Where is your sister?
Oh, she got in late last night. I could tell by her distinctive door-slam.
What do you mean late? She was at a yearbook meeting at Emma's house.
Okay.
Lighten up, Joe. I'm sure they just watched a movie after the meeting.
You know, innocent fun.
Hey, everybody.
There she is.
Hey, everybody.
And there he is...
Mysteriously coming from the same direction as Lennox's bedroom.
I'm sure nothing inappropriate happened.
Ryder, get out.
But this could be good.
Out!
Fine. You know, I miss all the fun stuff.
One of these day, I'm gonna run away, build my own house in the woods, and then you'll be sorry.
So would you like to tell us why Zander is joining us for breakfast this morning?
Absolutely. He spent the night here because it was the responsible thing to do.
See, Joe, responsible.
Last night at Emma's, he had a few beers.
Root beers, I'm sure.
Right, yes.
And with all of those imported root beers in his system, I didn't want him to drive home.
So we walked back from Emma's and spent the night here and then...
Please, no more then. Stop at then.
Nothing happened. After the beers, I wasn't really up for it.
Oh, that's so kind of you.
You know, I don't think your parents would be too thrilled to find out about all this.
No, no, no. Please, please. I'll tell them myself, I'll totally come clean.
And if I'm lying, may I lose my ability to draw hands.
That's serious... because he is very good at drawing hands and breasts.
Oh my God.
Okay, I'm sure we can all agree that Zander is very gifted, but I vote that we allow Zander to tell his folks himself.
But if you don't, I will unleash this overly built rage monster on you.
Perfectly proportioned rage monster.
It's understood.
All right, come on, Mel. We got to jam.
But you got to change first.
Don't worry about it. I always keep a freshly pressed suit and shirt in the car.
For what? In case you're sitting at a red light and somebody suddenly offers you an executive job?
It could happen.
And that's why tomatoes should be your favorite vegetable.
Actually, Joe, you may disagree with me, but tomatoes are a fruit.
You know what? You're right. No argument there because the seeds are on the inside.
Mel: Indeed they are. And we will seed you back here right after this commercial message.
And we're clear.
So how do you guys think it's going?
Pretty good.
Well, we're getting...
It was terrible.
What happened to you guys?
It's our first day.
This is Toledo television. You got to bring it and bring it now.
I want to see sparks, chemistry, back-and-forth.
Hey I'm providing the back where are you with the forth?
I'm doing double-duty here. I'm doing the back and I'm doing the forth.
I think you're still distracted about that thing with Lennox and Zander this morning.
Excuse me for being worried about a drunk teenage boy sleeping over in your niece's bedroom you should be a little distracted about that too.
Sleeping Joe they were just sleeping.
Ah, maybe they slept afterwards.
Okay, before you schedule the honor k*lling, we both know Lennox and Zander are sexually active.
Anyway, you should be happy that Zander was too drunk to have sex with Lennox last night.
Uh, how long has that on-air light been on?
Judging by the smile on Kyle's face, I think it's been on for a while.
[Mouthing silently]
Okay, well, it would appear that some of our personal conversation has made its way onto the air.
And perhaps my co-host could be a little more discreet in the future.
Oh, wait a minute now. You're the one that brought up the whole Lennox-Zander thing.
And apparently, the future has not yet arrived.
And it's not like he hasn't slept over before.
What?! When did that happen?
That's not important.
Yes, it is, we're talking about a underage boy and girl having sex in your house.
See now, this is good television.
Okay, you know what? I think it is time to go to another commercial break.
[Mouthing silently]
No? It's not time for a commercial?
Let me handle this. Kyle, we need to go to a commercial right now. Okay? [Snaps]
That's not how it works?
Okay, I'm learning a lot here.
Dear God, if you really exist, please send a commercial to save us.
Hey before we go in there, I don't think Lennox is gonna be too thrilled with the fact we just talked about her sex life on TV.
So do you have a plan or maybe some body armor?
Well, I'm prepared to face her with honesty and humility...
And this $100 gift card.
A bribe? Oh, that's just great parenting.
Can it be from both of us?
No, you're on your own, loudmouth.
Hey, Lennox.
What?
Look, honey, I don't know what to say.
I mean sometimes stuff comes out of your mouth and you can't stuff it back in.
Oh my gosh, what happened?
I didn't see it.
Joe, she didn't see it!
No, I'm sorry. I've been studying for finals.
But we can watch it together on the D.V.R right now.
Yes, that is a great idea.
It is?
Hold on. I'm gonna pull this thing up right now there it is. Here we go.
Oh my goodness I just pressed permanent delete on that thing.
What is my problem? Now it's gone forever.
Damn, Joe. Now you'll never get to see it.
But you know what? You're not missing anything.
Oh, I get it.
You guys are embarrassed because you sucked.
But, you know, that's okay you're just boring and you don't have anything interesting to say.
[Doorbell rings]
That's it.
Yep, on the nose.
We got away with it. She'll never find out.
Zander, what are you doing here?
My parents kicked me out.
They heard what these two said on TV.
What did you say?
Um...
You know we were on the air for two hours.
It's hard to remember every little detail.
They just said that we have sex all the time, oh, unless I'm too drunk.
That was just a tiny part of the segment.
Why would you say that on TV?
In our defense, that on-air light...
It's very tiny, very hard to see.
It's not like we kicked you out of the house.
If we're pointing fingers, really we should point one at Zander's parents.
They kicked him out because of what you said.
Okay, look, Zander, I'm gonna call your parents right now and explain how this whole thing got blown out of proportion.
What? No! Don't call. Not so crazy about you right now.
They said something about you being too permissive and going to hell.
I'm not judging, just reporting.
Okay, well, look, Zander, you can stay here until everything cools down at your house.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
Yeah, sure.
You can sleep in my room duct-taped to my weight bench.
Joe, you're the nanny, not the prison guard.
[Chuckles]
I can be both.
Look, honey, I feel really terrible about what I said today.
So tomorrow, I'm gonna open the show with a big apology.
No! Do not say anything on TV.
Don't even mention my name.
Well, I just thought if I clarified...
You don't know me.
I respect your wishes, whatever your name is.
Um, but who do I give this $100 gift card to that's made out to Lennox Scanlon?
I'll make sure she gets it.
Mel, Joe, how are my two firecrackers?
Everybody on line's loving the back-and-forth. Keep it up.
You got it, producer man.
[Tongue clicks]
Hey yeah. [Tongue clicks]
I'm telling you, Mel. We are a hit.
Okay, what made you so happy-go-Joe all of a sudden?
You want to know what made me happy? For the first time in years, when I Google myself, financial scandal isn't the only thing that comes up.
Wait, how often do you Google yourself?
No more than anybody else.
I mean, just sometimes at night before I go to sleep.
I mean, the computer's right there, so I just...
It helps me sleep. Don't give me that look! You do it too!
Mel: Jamie, you wrote the book on school lunches.
So which is the bigger villain here...
Tater tots or french fries?
Actually, I watched the show yesterday and I think the real hot topic is what happened with the drunk boy who slept with your niece.
Oh. Yeah, nobody wants to hear about that.
[Applause, cheering]
Okay. Well, maybe one or two people.
My wife and I got into a big disagreement last night about how you guys handled that thing with Lennox.
Ah, no names. No names.
My niece is a little sensitive, you know, a little too touchy-wouchy.
[Television chatter]
I'm too touchy-wouchy?!
No, no.
Guys, please, I'm trying to watch my favorite morning TV show.
Neither one of you guys knows how to handle teenagers at all.
Well, that's not really fair because le... [coughs]
The girl-who-must-not-be-named is not the only teenager we have living in our house.
We actually have a teenage boy in our house we have none of these problems with him.
So he's not getting drunk and sleeping around?
God, no. Trust me.
Not Ryder.
Uh, no names. No names.
Yeah, sorry. No.
But my point is that the nameless young man is in no way sexually active.
And I don't see anything like that happening for him for a...
Long, long time.
Oh God. Make it stop! Make it stop!
Ouch, I'm sorry, buddy.
Don't worry, bro'. I got your back.
Over-sharing is a two-way street.
[Computer beeps]
So the boy has social problems. He's odd.
No, I wouldn't say odd.
It's just that, you know, he... he just tends to roll solo.
You know? I mean not... not like alone in his room with p*rn or anything.
I don't think. I mean, I just...
You know, I... see, he's... I meant that...
I... he's a... he's a...
I... what did I mean, Burke?
You meant that it is time to go to our social-media correspondent, Ashley, and her segment, what's trending?
Ashley?
Well, Mel, turns out you're trending.
Oh, good. That's good to hear. Okay, so what's the buzz, girlfriend?
Check out this tweet I got seconds ago from @lennoxscanlon13.
Aunt Mel talks a lot about how much other people drink, but it takes her three glasses of wine to unwind from a tough day.
Hypocrite much?
Audience: Ooh.
Oh, my niece is such a...
Practical joker.
You know, you can't believe everything you read on the Internet, Ashley.
Oh, and she linked this photo.
That could be anybody.
Ah!
[Laughter]
Joe, hold my purse. Strangling Lennox is gonna be a two-handed job.
Wait a minute calm down there k*ller before we go in there I want you to take a deep breath and count to ten.
Ten!
How could you do that to me? You totally humiliated me.
Gosh, Aunt Mel, aren't you being a little too touchy-wouchy?
That was on TV in front of a lot of potential voters.
Oh, so it was an inappropriate forum for personal business?
Ladies, please, let's not go all roller derby on each other here, okay?
It was an accident.
So you talked about me on TV for the second day in a row accidentally?
Exactly!
As long as you're talking on that show, I'm not talking to you.
Wh... Lennox.
She's gonna cool down. Won't she?
Look, Mel, you got to expect some sort of reaction when you talk about a girl's personal life on TV.
Who's side are you on, co-host?
Hey look, admit it. You know, you were wrong.
I mean, you screwed the pooch.
Hey, Joe.
Thanks for neutering me on TV.
It's a good thing that sex was never on my bucket list.
All I said was you were a virtuous young man who is respectful of women.
Because that's what all the women are looking for the guy with the hot hot virtue.
You called me a sexual zero.
Everybody starts at zero, pal, you know, until you score.
Well, now I'm gonna have to move to another country where women have never seen TV.
[Scoffs]
What are you looking at?
Someone who did very bad things to a pooch.
Is water good, or would you prefer something a little stronger?
Uh, that's very amusing because people say I drink. Just water, thank you.
Do you see what Lennox did to me?
She totally humiliated me in front of all of Ohio.
Yeah, but you know what? Your name recognition is way up I mean, people know who you are.
Yeah, the crazy drunk to vote for.
She didn't say that you were crazy.
Well, so you think all of this is just peachy?
Well, it's not bad. I mean, they're paying us...
Heck of a lot more than nanny money. Oh, and check this out.
Someone created a little fan page for me.
Look at this. Ladies who are loco for Longo, huh?
Hmm, well, I'm very happy for you and those deranged middle-aged ladies.
Mel and Joe, my two favorite guest hosts. I have some excellent news.
The regular host... still in the hospital.
That's excellent news?
Oh, not for him. That face-lift did not take.
Frankly he looks like a Picasso.
But his botched surgery is your lucky day.
Good Morning Toledo wants to extend your contract for the next month.
With a bump in pay.
Really? Exactly how big is this bump?
Bigger than my aunt Eileen's butt. You don't know her, but it's big.
Hey, Toledo wants you guys on the air.
For a whole month? What are we supposed to talk about?
Your constant disasters at home.
Your lack of parenting skills is very relatable to our audience.
Okay, so the only reason you want us on this show is to exploit my family's problems for light entertainment?
How do I say this with sensitivity?
Yeah.
Wow, you make politics look noble.
You know what, Kyle?
I did this to help my State Senate run, not to put my family on display like lobsters in a t*nk.
Look, Joe, you can do whatever you want to do, but I'm out.
Mel, but please, we can't do this without you you're essential to the show!
Joe, I'm gonna pair you with Ashley... the new back-and-forth.
She asks you about the kids. You give us the gruesome details.
Hey, you can even trash your old co-host.
Kyle, look, normally I disagree with Mel on just about everything, but um...
Not on this one, man. I'm out too.
Let me at least tell you how much the bump is.
Okay. No! No, actually, don't tell me.
It'll just make me cry.
I'm just gonna go home and whip out my computer and...
Search myself to sleep.
Ashley: My twin sister and I both stripped our way through college.
I finally got out, but she stayed in the life.
Eventually she gained 200 pounds, but she kept stripping because it was the only work she could get.
She was a philosophy major.
Wow, Good Morning Toledo has really taken a turn to the trashy.
This is mindless.
Oh my God, I love it so much.
Hey, guys.
Zander: Hey.
So how come Ashley's hosting?
Yeah, what happened to you guys?
Oh... well, what happened was...
Uh, the truth is...
They fired us.
Yep, gave us the boot.
Apparently, we just weren't interesting enough.
Oh, you couldn't just keep dishing dirt about us?
Yeah, nobody really wanted to hear about that.
Mm-hmm. No, that got old in a hurry.
They did a good job with Ashley because she is a hot train wreck.
Hey, I'm just happy no one's gonna be talking about us on TV anymore.
Yes, from now on, our family drama will stay in this house where it belongs.
In that case, I should probably take down some unflattering photos of Joe that may or may not have found their way onto the Internet.
That would be a good idea.
Hey, look, about all this stuff this week...
Do you think we can just forgive each other, erase our Facebook time lines, and move on?
Absolutely not.
But maybe by tomorrow.
And you know, another gift card would really just speed the healing.
Yeah, don't press your luck.
Okay, well, Joe and I will go in the kitchen and make our dysfunctional little family a lovely dinner.
Yes, and by Joe and I, she means Joe.
Yeah, I thought that was clear.
Oh, so just like Good Morning Toledo, I will be carrying you again.
Yeah, right. Like you could carry me and that ego.
Wait, Lennox got a gift card?
[Phone rings]
Hello.
Yeah, sure. Hold on.
It's Zander's mom for you.
Hello.
Well, yes, Zander's here. Where else would he be after you kicked him out?
Well, is that right?
Well, that is a very different story.
Thank you, okay. [Phone turns off]
Oh, Zander.
May I just say, you look lovely tonight.
And Mr. Longo, that was superlative chicken.
Life-changing.
So your mom said that she didn't kick you out at all.
Would you like to tell me why you lied to us?
It's just that it's kind of nice being here where Lennox is all the time.
Oh, isn't he just the cutest?
But you spent every night in my room. I don't get it. What's the upside?
You got me. It doesn't really make much sense.
Oh, except you guys are gone a lot during the day.
Zander.
Yeah.
I'm gonna give you a running start.
I suggest you take it.
Oh, hey!