"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
It's a no-go, Theresa!
Yeah, look, I love Nona as well. She's my Grandmother too!
Look, if there was a way I could do it, I'd do it!
Yeah, you too!
Jeez, why are you so mad at your sister?
I'm not mad at her. That's New Jersey for "I love you".
Wow, so how do you tell if someone angry?
The police show up.
I am upset though.
My Grandmother Sofia is failing.
Next week is her birthday and it's probably going to be her last.
And all she wants is to see me and Tiffany together.
One final time.
Why does she want to see your ex-wife?
I kinda never told her that we got divorced.
So you lied to her.
Hey, I was protecting her!
Why can't you people see that?!
Joe, we're simple Ohio people. No yelling is required.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Once I let the Jersey out, it's very hard to walk it back.
Joe, have some Guava juice.
Thank you, man, thank you.
So when you go back there to see her, what're you going to say?
"Happy 99th birthday, Nona. I'm divorced".
I might as well just plunge a Kn*fe into her congested old heart.
Hey, why don't you just ask Tiffany to go with you you can pretend you're married for a couple hours?
That is the stupidest idea I ever heard and I already tried that.
Want to know what's funny though?
I don't really want to ask any more questions.
My Nona's eyesight's so bad she probably wouldn't know the difference between Tiffany and a wall.
I mean, you know, if the wall was, like, stacked.
And wore a leopard-print skirt and a lot of make-up. [Chuckles]
Honestly, any blonde like that would probably do.
Hello, people of my kitchen!
I was shoe shopping. Check out the latest in Stiletto heels.
Now be honest, everyone. Do these make me look too trashy?
I'd say just trashy enough.
[Theme music playing]
♪ It's all good.
♪ All good!
♪ It's okay.
♪ Okay!
♪ It's all right.
♪ All right!
♪As far as I can see...
♪ It's all good.
♪ All good!
♪ It's okay.
♪ Okay!
♪ It's all right.
♪ All right!
♪I guess you're stuck...
♪With me.
Come on, it's two days out of your life! Everyone else'll know the truth.
All you'll have to fool is my Grandmother.
The whole idea is ridiculous! Nobody would believe me as Tiffany.
I'm way too classy!
It's a dying woman's last request!
Don't guilt trip me.
And what are you getting so mad about anyway?
What? This is a conversational tone in New Jersey.
Come on, Aunt Mel, all four of us can go.
It'll be like cultural anthropology...
You know, observe the Longos in their natural habitat.
Don't you have prom?
I decided not to go.
Zander and I are in a pre-college separation. It's a pause.
And no, I don't want to talk about it.
A trip to Jersey? I'm in.
Boy, do I need to get out of this house.
What's wrong with this house?
Home schooling is not the amusement-park ride it's cracked up to be.
You know how many tiles are on that wall?
4,076.
Go ahead, count 'em.
You know what, guys?
I appreciate the fact that you'd be willing to go.
It shows really really great character.
But unfortunately without Tiffany the whole trip is a lost cause.
Let me say it to you in Jersey. I ain't going!
All right, look, I've met your ex-wife.
I just don't see myself being able to pull that off.
That whole little girl act? It's not me.
All right, fine. Guess I was asking too much.
I'll just make the trip myself and I'll tell her I'm divorced and she'll just have to live with it.
Or I guess... die with it.
All right, look, I know you think I'm being selfish, but you're wrong.
Who wants to see the other shoes I bought? [Squeals]
[Loudly] Yes yes, Nona!
It's Joey.
Yeah, absolutely.
I'm gonna be there Saturday. I wouldn't miss it.
N... no no.
Tiffany's not gonna be able to make it.
No no... no no, hey hey, don't...
Don't... don't cry, Nona. No no, it's really not good for your heart.
It's just... no!
No, my wife loves you. [Laughs]
More than she loves me, I can say that honestly.
It's just that... no, hey!
What is that boy telling you?
Of course I'm coming, Nona! No, JoeJoeBee is just being a Silly Willy.
But I love him oodles and oodles and oodles.
I'll see you Saturday. Mwah mwah mwah!
How was that?
Pretty much dead on.
Are you really gonna do this for me?
[Sighs] Yeah, I can't believe it either.
She better really be dying or I'm going to be pissed.
_.
Welcome to Moller Street, everybody!
This is the Via Veneto of Secaucus!
Literally the highest concentration of Longos on the eastern seaboard.
So the whole Longo mob lives here, huh?
Hey, yo yo yo, we don't use the "M" word in this neighborhood, all right?
What, Mafia?
What's up, Mr. Spizeri? How you doing?
All right, yeah!
So how's my beautiful wife doing in there, huh?
Ugh! Just adjusting my Golden Globes.
Are they symmetrical?
May I?
Yeah, go for it. I can't feel a thing. This is all push-up and padding.
It's identical twins, right, guys?
Jo-eeeey!
Mom, hey!
Are you even more handsome than you were the last time?
[Laughs]
I think so.
That's my boy. That's my boy.
Both: Mwah mwah!
And here's the family.
Is this the Mel Burke?
This is Mel Burke.
This is Tiffany.
Got it. And these are the kids with the weird names?
Yeah, this is Lennox, that there is Ryder, this is my mother.
Hi.
How's it going?
Hey, how's Nona doing?
Fantastic!
Considering she's at death's door...
Hold on. That's how you're walking?
It's worked my whole life.
No. Anybody can see it's not Tiffany.
Much too lady-like.
You gotta work it like a skanky debutante.
Tramp, slut, tramp, slut, tramp, slut, tramp, slut, tramp, slut slut, tramp tramp, slut slut...
Mom, mom. We get it. We get it. The whole neighborhood gets it.
Come on, guys.
[Door closes]
Shh shh shh!
Okay okay.
Yo, big sis!
Shh, Joey! Nona's sleeping.
Thank God the doctors still let us give her wine.
Uncle Joe!
Hey.
How was the drive? Did you take the parkway?
No, I-95. 65 miles per the whole way, no tolls.
That is genius.
We'll let the historians judge, know what I mean?
Yeah, guys, this is my nephew Marco.
Marco, meet Ryder and that there is Lennox.
Lennox? That's not a Moller-street name.
It's Scottish. It means "with many Elm trees".
I don't know any Elm trees, but I bet I'd like 'em.
So do we just stand here until she wakes up or...
Doesn't wake up?
Let her sleep.
We'll get you folks fed, especially the skinny boy.
Come on.
All right, the skinny boy!
I already have a street name.
[Clatters]
Hey, Nona! Hey, it's me... Joey!
Joey!
Oh, and is that Tiffany?
Who else would it be?
Oh oh.
[Joe chuckles]
What are you... [chuckles]
It's...
It's really you!
[Laughs]
Oh, my Tiffany!
And you, Joey!
Ma familia!
Hey!
We're in.
[Music]
99 years old tomorrow, wow!
What are you going to get her?
Soft food.
So, Lennox, girl of the Elms...
Listen...
I have a boyfriend. Thank you.
And I'm sure he's a great guy.
I was just gonna offer to show you around the neighborhood.
There might be a body floating down the river.
I'm kidding. They fished it out last week.
Well, I am very curious about New Jersey...
Its ways and customs, your cultural mores.
Hey, there's a brand-new dollar store that just opened up.
You can buy a pack of "AA" batteries for a buck.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Hey, Marco! Stop flirting and get Nona a fresh pillowcase.
I'm on it, ma.
So what do you mean you have a boyfriend?
Aren't you and Zander on a whole pre-college trial-separation "pause" thing?
Yes. However, I am utterly uninterested in someone like Marco, so I lied and said I was taken.
All girls say that to guys they don't like.
They do?
That explains so much.
Joey...
That was the first time your Grandmother has been on her feet in a week.
And you know why?
You. She saw "Tiffany"...
And it gave her the will to live.
Ha! And you didn't think I could pull this off.
No, that was you. I begged you to do it.
Let it go.
I will say this...
She is a big improvement over the original blow-up doll.
Mel Burke, you are obviously a very giving and selfless person.
See, she gets me.
Hey, Gloria, do you have any more of that capa...
Capa meat stuff?
Capicola. Capicola.
Capicola. Capicola.
Say it.
Capicola?
He's Italian!
And so handsome.
You remind me of this one over here.
Now you just sit down and I will do everything.
You've had a hard day.
But I was just sitting in a car.
Wasting away in a car if you ask me.
Now you just sit down and eat while I tell you what a good-looking and wonderful boy you are.
Wow, we are witnessing the origin story of Joe's ego.
[Ryder chuckles]
Yeah.
Hey.
Joey, where are you going?
In 20 minutes we wake her to watch "jeopardy".
I mean, she doesn't know any of the answers, but she likes the song.
We're just going to go to the hotel.
Tiffany!
Ah! Oh, it's got me!
I mean, uh, yes, Nona?
Where are you going?
We'll be back in a couple hours, okay?
Don't leave me.
I don't know how much time I have left. I'm so weak.
Ow ow ow ow ow!
Please, stay in this house tonight.
If we do, will you let go?
You can sleep in Joey's old room.
Us? Together?
Like a married couple does.
Uh, yes yes. Of course we will, Nona.
Anything you say.
But, JoeJoeBee, we have a hotel reservation.
Yes, TiffyPop, but Nona dying for us to sleep here.
Okeydokey. We'll stay here.
[Chuckles]
It's a small bed.
So you're gonna have to get real cozy.
[Laughs]
I just made a joke.
[Slaps]
Ow!
Your sweet old Grandmother just groped me on the ass.
If you're gonna shake it like that, you can't blame her.
Hey, so as soon as the house quiets down, I'll move downstairs and bunk in the spare room, okay?
Well, I am not sleeping under a poster of whoever that chick is on the ceiling.
Are you kidding me? Who grew up in America and didn't know who Vendela was?
Who?
Vendela Kirsebom, the swimsuit model. Come on, she was huge.
Actually in this neighborhood she was even bigger than Ashley Montana.
Again, who?
That one over there, with the snake covering up all the good stuff.
You know what? You and the girls can stay here and relive the glory days and I'll go find a room where the decor is a little less "ma, would you knock first?!"
How you ladies been?
[Door opens]
Ah ah! Nona!
Uh, look at you, smacking people awake.
I know the truth! You are not fooling anybody.
I know what's really going on.
Um, well, you see, I...
I did it all for Joe. It comes from a good place.
Don't die, okay?
There is trouble in this marriage.
Oh, marriage!
No no, there's no trouble.
No, this is what we do to keep things fresh.
You know, when Joe wants me, he has to come find me.
Come and get me, JoeJoeBee!
A wife should share her husband's bed.
Generally yes...
Hey, what's up?
Nona!
You found me, lover!
I was just explaining to dear Nona how I like to hide, which explains why I wasn't sleeping in your bed.
Oh, yes yes.
Yes, that's something that we like to do.
It keeps it exciting.
[Laughs] Where are you, huh?
Boo.
Where are you?
Boo.
There she is. She's right there, you see...
There is great unhappiness between you two.
That's why there are no children in this marriage.
Ooh.
Oh oh oh, here here here.
Come on, let's set you down. Come on.
Mel, up please, thank you. Thank you, Mel. There you go, Nona.
Who's Mel?
Mel... that's... it's a... that's a nickname that I call her.
Yeah yeah, it stands for...
My eternal love.
My husband used to call me Strega.
Aren't pet names sweet?
It means "witch"!
Aw.
I want to speak to your wife for a moment.
Sure, yeah. Okay, here.
All right.
Here, honey.
Good. Tiffany?
Me? Oh yeah, sh**t. Ahem.
How many times a week do you have marital relations?
Well, that's pretty ♪ personal.
♪ That's why I'm asking!
Uh...
How many times?
Uh, twice! Twice a week.
That's not enough!
A man needs comfort from a woman.
Especially if he's a big man in the business world like Joseph.
Up in his high building.
You capture him so well.
I know he can be a little headstrong.
That's what he's been like since his father walked out.
And Joey was only 10 and he had to be the man of the house.
All right, now switch, switch.
I want to talk to my favorite grandson.
Sorry about that. They all love me here. I can do no wrong.
Ow, whoa!
What's the matter with you, huh?
This woman is an Angel.
I have always told you that.
Stop fighting with her.
I'm not fighting with her.
Don't lie to a dying lady!
Hey, not the cane, okay? Not the cane.
All right, now hold hands.
Hold hands.
Ooh, look at you two.
You're made for each other.
Look, you didn't have to buy me flowers.
Here.
But you look good with them.
They bring out your pretty eyes.
All right, look, Marco, while I appreciate the tour of the meat district.
And seeing all the pigs' heads dangling.
That's something, isn't it?
I just, I need you to understand that this is going to stay platonic.
I don't know that word, but I get it through context.
Listen, while we're here I gotta get cigarettes for my dad.
Turns out they're not so bad for you.
I'm not serious.
Nice flowers. What are those, tulips?
I think so.
I know where she oughta put her two lips.
Right here.
All right, guys, give it a rest.
It's not working.
Oh, it could work.
And I could show you how.
Just leave me alone.
That sounded pretty clear to me, fellas. She said leave her alone.
Who cares what you think?
Well, that's a good question.
Let my friend knuckles explain it to you.
[Grunts]
Hey! You forgot your garbage here!
I'm really sorry about that.
Are you okay?
Very much so.
How's your hand?
Lonely.
Aunt Lena, Uncle Vince, what's up? Paulie, hey!
Sis, you need a hand?
Oh, now that all the hard work is done, Mr. Thinks-he's-so-charming shows-up-asking-if-he-can-help.
You look great, Theresa. You lost weight, didn't you?
I did. Thanks for noticing.
Yeah! [Chuckles]
[Gasps]
What the heck's going on there?
They make a cute couple, don't they?
No, they don't.
Hey, Marco, you know she's only here for one more day, right?
Yeah, I can count.
Oh, good. Because you know even though I'm your Uncle and I love you, my love has limits. [Chuckles]
Physical limits.
It's Nona's big day, Uncle Joe, come on, lighten up.
Hey, come on, hey hey.
Okay.
[Groans]
I could get out of this if I wanted.
[Laughs]
No, you couldn't.
Wow, there's just so much testosterone here.
Ma, we only got 94 candles.
That's all the fire marshal would allow.
So, Ryder...
[Chuckles]
Are you happy here?
Are we treating you well?
Are you kidding? You're treating me like a King.
I'm so glad you appreciate all we have done for you.
And now...
In return I must ask that you do me a service.
A service? What... what kind of service?
Like take out the recycling or...
A problem has come into our neighborhood and you, Ryder, must take care of it.
[Inhales]
I need you to k*ll a rat.
You mean m*rder?
When a thief steals in this neighborhood, he must pay with his life.
But I... I've... I've never k*lled before.
This is what's expected of the men in our family.
Ma, I need you. Nona can't find her teeth.
Did anybody check between the sofa cushions?
I'll do it like I do everything else.
So ma's putting you to work?
She gave me a job.
Don't let her down.
Aw.
All right, everyone needs a full glass!
We are going to toast the birthday girl.
No! My favorites will drink the good stuff from this special bottle.
Now don't spill any.
Trust me, I am very skilled at not wasting alcohol.
I think that's why I fell in love with her.
Everyone raise your glasses!
To grandmama Sofia!
May she live for another hundred years.
God forbid!
Salute, everybody.
[Toasting]
Wow, what is this?
Italian lighter fluid?
[Coughs] That's some old-country moonshine right there.
Drink! Empty the glass otherwise you dishonor me.
Wow!
This rust-remover kinda grows on you once your mouth stops burning.
[Coughs]
Are you beginning to feel it?
Give me that!
Nona, you didn't!
I did!
It's fine. They're a married couple.
No, they're not!
Not accustomed to such a strong drink.
You shouldn't have done that without warning them first.
I'm 99. I can do whatever I want.
Mom, what's going on?
Infuso di coniglio.
It's the brew of the rabbits. It's a love potion.
[Both laugh]
Nona made another joke, right?
Right?!
[Both sniff]
Really? We drank a love potion?
With magic powers? Gimme a break.
Come on, mom. That's just some crazy old-world Voodoo, right?
The rabbit's brew has produced 17 marriages and 80 children.
And those are just the ones we know are definitely ours.
It channels the life force.
The animal spirit.
It's...
Irresistible.
Come on, mom.
[Italian folk music playing]
Holy crap.
[Chimes]