"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
And now you've seen it.
That's a tattoo?
It looks like a birth mark you colored in.
It's a sexy little devil.
You know, an endearing memento of an earlier time in my life.
What I like to call "the Tequila years."
You know, they have lasers.
You can get that removed.
You don't have to live this way.
Well, Joe calls it my little pre-existing condition.
He really likes it.
Yeah, it's probably like a mile marker for him.
You know, "I'm almost there!"
(Door opens)
Hey.
So, I'm late for a client. Want to know why?
Oh good, I'll tell you.
So I'm pulling out of the parking lot, right?
And this crazy woman rams into me and knocks the bumper off my car.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm just pissed off. She didn't even apologize or anything.
She flipped me off and drove away.
I looked into her eyes. It was pure evil.
Like staring at the devil.
It haunts you, doesn't it?
It really does. Joke's on her though, because I took a picture of her license plate, so busted!
Now we're talking. Text me that pic and I'm gonna get some of my police contacts to track down this lunatic.
She hit you, she hit me.
Oh, baby, you got my back.
Oh, yeah. Our love is like its own little mafia.
All right, well, there. It's sent.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to head back out to the garage to train my client. I got two weeks to turn this 300-pound dentist into a ripped Adonis before his Ukrainian bride gets here, so, you know, every second counts.
I hate reckless drivers.
They are the scum of the Earth. They are my...
Hairdresser.
What?
Yeah, I know this license plate.
"I kut 4 u." It's Calista.
The Calista?
Yes, the magical Calista.
The best colorist a woman could ask for.
I list her as an emergency contact.
Oh, man, it's too bad you're gonna have to quit seeing her.
Huh, you say?
You are dropping her, right?
I mean you just told Joe "she hit you, she hit me."
(Chuckles) Come on.
That doesn't sound like something I'd say.
(Theme music playing)
♪ I guess you're ♪
♪ stuck with me. ♪
Aunt Mel, your hairdresser hit Joe's car and drove off.
You can't go back to Calista after this.
You haven't had the awful hair experiences I've had.
You say that like you've been traumatized.
You don't know what it's like, slinking from one hairdresser to the next.
Just lonely, dirty, desperate, and then you find Calista, and she takes your hair in her hands, and suddenly you're beautiful.
Besides, it's not like she k*lled anybody.
Not a m*rder*r?
Really, that's where your bar is?
Calista is an artist.
And artists don't have to live by our little rules.
She deserves my loyalty.
Oh, so you have heard of the concept.
Your loyalty should be with Joe.
All right, all right.
But let me handle this in my own way.
Stupid Joe.
Excuse me?
Stupid Joe Stalin.
What he did to those peasants?
Yeah, look it up.
(School bell rings)
Mr. McKay: All right.
Since I didn't meet a Sugar Mama this weekend, I'm still teaching. (Chuckles)
And we're starting a new unit.
"Asexual reproduction"
(Door closes)
Something many of you will learn to live with in your studio apartments after college.
Hey, Stella, can we talk for a minute?
Uh, are you in my class?
Just... Just for a minute.
Ryder, I'm not talking to you. We broke up.
We didn't have to, okay?
It was a misunderstanding, which I will explain.
You know, this is my dream...
Moody teens working out their personal problems on my time.
Get out.
Out out out out out.
Okay.
Now then, back to the poetry of the lonely loveless spore.
Honey, what are you doing?
I can't find the damn corkscrew.
That's 'cause you left it in the bathroom.
Yeah, that's the bathroom corkscrew.
Naturally.
Hey, what did those police contacts say about that crazy woman who smashed into my car?
Oh, funny coincidence.
You're gonna laugh.
Turns out the woman who tapped your bumper...
Yeah, tapped, demolished.
Is my gentle darling of an angel hairdresser Calista.
"Gentle angel"?
Honey, she smashed into my car and then gave me the finger.
(Laughs)
Classic Calista.
Oh, come on. What part of that is not hilarious?
I cannot believe you're gonna defend this hit-and-run felon.
You know, I did a little research online.
It's gonna cost $800 to replace that bumper.
So I guess I'll just be turning everything over to the police and my insurance company.
No no no no no no.
Turn it over to me.
Yeah, I'll talk to Calista and convince her to pay you what she owes you.
I don't know.
Come on, let me try.
I'll make the little devil dance for you.
You got 24 hours.
Hey, can you help me with some girl stuff?
You mean girl stuff or girl stuff?
What's the difference?
Well, one kind of stuff is: "Ew, ask Google health, you freak."
And the other kind is" "I'm a chick, what's the drama?"
Okay, so I really want to get Stella back, and I've been working on this apology text all morning.
Get Stella back?
Dude, you slept with her and then she read the break-up note you were planning on giving her.
It ain't happening.
Hold on.
I've been trying to apologize for a week, but she avoids me at school, she won't answer her phone, so can you just take a look at this and tell me if it's heartfelt enough?
Yeah.
"Hey, Stel.
W-N-T-T-A-T"?
"We need to talk about this."
You lady k*ller, you.
Wait, so it... So it's good?
No.
Come on, Ryder. Stella was really hurt.
You know, if you want to get her back, you need to go big.
You need to do something impressive and grand and romantic.
Okay, all right. Yeah.
So like buy her a zoo membership?
What? No.
But they just got a manatee.
You're hopeless.
Have you ever seen a romantic comedy?
Yeah.
I mean, not all the way through.
All right. Well, watch a few.
And hang in there until the end, 'cause that's when the guy figures out what he needs to do.
Just do that. If Stella's worth it to you.
She is so worth it.
I would sit through five drew Barrymore movies.
Start with one, okay? You don't want to pull anything.
Joe, great.
Yeah?
This is for you.
What is this?
Cash?
$400.
For last night, huh?
Very funny.
I talked to Calista about what happened with your car, and she admitted she handled it poorly.
Poorly, criminally.
Well, when she barely tapped you, she had just gotten a call from the paramedics that her mother was being taken to the hospital and she was upset.
You know, very upset.
Oh my gosh. Is her mom gonna be okay?
Yeah, it was just indigestion, but it turns out her mom's like a big drama queen.
"Look at me. I'm in an ambulance."
Anyway, I told her how much the repairs cost, and she was very sorry. That's the first half, she'll get you the rest next week.
Huh.
I didn't think that Calista would step up and do the right thing.
I guess I misjudged her.
I guess you did. Lesson learned, huh?
And the lesson is Mel always wins.
Hey, that's my purse.
Oh, relax, I'm stealing money for textbooks.
It could be much worse.
Well, you're not gonna find any cash in there.
Oh, well, there was cash in here not too long ago.
According to this ATM receipt, you withdrew $400 at 8:30 this morning.
Next time, get a warrant.
That money was for Joe.
I told him I spoke to Calista and worked out the whole Fender bender thing.
And that she'd pay half now, half later.
Half now.
You paid Joe off and told him it was Calista's money?
That's not right.
Shh. I can't lose Calista now.
Okay? I'm gonna see her later.
She's gonna be de-brassing my highlights for the mayor's banquet.
Aunt Mel, don't you think you're in kind of a morally gray area here?
As long as I can keep it from becoming a morally gray area up here, I'll be fine.
Calista, hi.
I'm sorry, are you a client?
I'm a victim.
Remember, you're the one that backed your car into me the other day.
That was you?
What are you doing here?
Well, I just wanted to come here and personally thank you for what you did.
Well, you had it coming.
I did. I did.
Hey, how's your mom?
What do you mean?
Well, I know she can be a bit of a hypochondriac.
She likes to complain a lot.
Well, she hasn't complained much in the five years since she d*ed.
She what?
She d*ed.
What are you here to torment me or something?
I just came here to thank you for the $400.
I thought it was very big of you to own up and start to pay for the damages that you did to my car.
I didn't give you any $400.
I don't where you got that crazy idea.
Hey, guys.
Mel?
Did you tell me things that weren't true?
In a thousand years, will any of it really matter, Joe?
Whoa.
This is Joe?
The one you called a narcissistic meathead?
(Laughs)
I said that one time. It was weeks before we started dating.
You told him that I apologized?
I have nothing to apologize for.
You parked over the line, and I gave your heap a little attitude adjustment.
Big whoop.
You knocked the bumper off my car.
Oh, I've knocked things off of way nicer cars than yours.
Take a hike, road rage.
I'd be happy to, right after you open this thing up and pay me what you owe me for the damages.
You lay one hand on that till, and I will trim you like a bonsai tree.
Oh, guys guys. Come on.
We can work this out.
Absolutely, Mel. I totally agree.
Everybody? Excuse me.
Can I have your attention please?
Hi. Yeah, this woman right here?
Hit-and-run felon. Crashed into my car, and now she's trying to trim parts of me.
That's right. I suggest you grab your personal belongings and leave the premises right now.
Everybody, sit down.
This is a crazy man.
He's off his rocker and off his meds.
Look, I'll calm him down. Just hold my chair.
I'll be right back.
No no no no. You won't.
Consider yourself banned.
For life.
Banned for life?
Your boyfriend hurt me, you hurt me.
But my hair, it's only half done.
You're lucky you're leaving with your head.
Now get out.
(Stammers)
But my hair!
My hair did nothing.
My hair is an innocent victim.
Bobby's mom has blue eyes.
Bobby's dad has blue eyes, but Bobby has brown eyes.
What's that tell us?
Based on our knowledge of genetics, we can say with near certainty Bobby's mom slept around.
Whoa whoa whoa. Excuse me.
Oh, sorry, Mr. McKay, but this is my grand gesture, so it'll just take one minute and nine seconds.
Eh, go ahead.
I need a new story for the teacher's lounge.
(Guitar music playing)
Ryder (Through stereo): ♪ listen up ♪
♪ I'll make this snappy ♪
♪ I only wanna make you happy ♪
♪ I treated you kinda crappy ♪
♪ though I don't want to sound too sappy ♪
♪ the terminology ♪
♪ of this apology ♪
♪ here in biology ♪
♪ is embryology ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ a love once torn ♪
♪ is now reborn ♪
♪ if the lovely Stella ♪
♪ forgives this fella. ♪
(Sighs)
Well...
Good news is this is probably the low point in your life.
(School bell rings)
That was very sweet.
She's lucky to have a guy who'd humiliate himself in public for her.
That's how I do.
Hey, how is everything in there?
Will her hair live?
I don't know.
Those chemicals were on her hair a really long time.
I am on my third bottle of hot oil, but it's not taking. Her hair is rejecting the moisture.
Well, do something, Lennox.
Damn it, Joe. I am a student, not a cosmetologist.
I can't work miracles.
Mel: Hurry, Lennox!
It's breaking off in clumps!
I would go back to Calista, but somebody got me banned.
You know, I think that someone is you, Joe.
Mm-hmm. Yep. I'm the bad guy.
Because I'm the one that allowed my car to sit parked in a lot while Calista rammed into it, and then, on top of that I had the nerve to believe my girlfriend while she lied to my face.
I am awful.
(Sighs)
Joe, you know, hair is a really touchy subject for women.
Along with weight, age, appearance, skin, moods...
Look look look look.
It's about the principle of things.
Right is right.
The universe is punishing me, Joe.
Through my hair.
You know what? Please leave.
I just... I don't want anyone to see me like this.
Mel.
Come on, honey.
(Stammers)
It's not that...
That bad.
It'll grow back.
Not before the mayor's banquet tomorrow.
You know what? I'm not going to that banquet or anywhere else people have eyes.
It's like I'm never going anywhere ever again.
(Crying)
You know what, honey?
Your... your skin looks great.
And all things considered, your mood is...
Is pretty good too.
Look, Joe, the only way to make aunt Mel feel better is for you to apologize to Calista so she'll take her back.
There's a thousand other hairdressers out there.
Can't she just pick another one?
Okay, do you remember when your regular mechanic, Heinrick, was away and aunt Mel said, "just take the nova to the quickie lube," and you turned purple and you couldn't speak?
Yeah, that was a car.
Hair is a woman's car.
Oh my God. I feel so terrible now.
Okay. All right, fine.
I'll go down there.
But I'm not gonna grovel, all right?
I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna play hardball.
No, you're not.
You're gonna be a grown-up, and I'm coming with you.
To what? Keep a leash on me?
No, just to keep a strong leather strap around your neck and yank it if you get out of line.
Oh, I guess that is kind of like a leash, huh?
(Doorbell rings)
Hi.
Hey.
Can we talk?
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Listen, um, I'm sorry that I embarrassed you at school.
I can do the song a lot better now actually.
I put the cards onto a PowerPoint, so...
Come in. Come on.
Um...
Look.
Ryder, what you did was really really sweet.
I was just caught off guard.
Look, we never should have broken up.
Okay?
All that stuff that you read on my computer, I wrote that when I thought you were trying to push me away.
Guess I kind of was.
I'm sorry, but it's like you said in your letter, some things just aren't meant to be.
Uh, Joe wrote that part.
He's got a lot of issues.
Ryder, it's not you, okay?
It's... my baby.
That...
That is a new version of that.
(Sighs)
(Isabel crying)
You know what? I'm just...
I'm not in a place emotionally right now where I can open up to a boyfriend.
But if I had the time and space in my life for a grown man, it would be you.
Good-bye, Ryder.
Okay. All right.
I'm gonna be okay.
I'm gonna be okay.
First thing I gotta do is stop talking to myself.
(Inaudible)
Out of my shop, road rage, or I will come at you with razor blades and lemonade.
Look, lady...
Remember. Grown-up.
Calista... (Chuckles)
Listen, we both care about Mel.
Okay? The only difference is I can't really help her out right now.
'Cause you're the only one that has those magic hands that can heal.
So what do you say we just act like grown-ups, put our differences aside and focus on Mel?
Okay?
Can you... Can you help me out here?
Not if helping her means helping you.
I'm asking you nicely.
And I'm rejecting you with attitude.
She seems to have said no.
You know what? Maybe if I talk to her.
Hey, Calista.
Look, I just think you and Joe got off on the wrong foot, and we came all the way down here...
What are you here for? To pull his leash or to fix that wreck that's on your head?
I get a lot of compliments on this hair style.
Are you going for the slutty ballerina look?
She's so not easy to like, right?
Okay. Okay, sister.
You want to play hardball?
This is what Mel looked like when she left your salon.
Oh.
And with one click, I will Instagram this with the caption "hair by Calista."
Oh!
And by the way, I have over 10,000 followers.
And I'm hitting send.
Wait wait wait.
Okay, have her come in and I'll see what I can do.
No charge.
No charge?
Fine. No charge.
4:00 today.
But he's banned for life.
(Mockingly groans)
(Mouths)
You know, Joe? I'm really proud of you.
You handled our trip to the salon with incredible maturity and restraint.
Damn straight. Who wants conditioner?
Huh?
Wiped that lady out.
You do know the shampoo company gives those away to every salon?
Let me just enjoy that little victory, okay?
It's about as happy as I'm gonna get.
Why? We won.
I had to swallow a lot to go down there, all right?
You know, the least that Mel could say is "hey, Joe, you were right all along."
What is this obsession you have with being right?
Do you want to be right or do you want to be in a relationship?
Can't I have both?
Yes, but you'll have to date yourself.
Hey, there she is.
How's the...
How's the patient?
You don't even want to be talking to me right now.
I am...
Really?
I have some good news.
Because somebody has an appointment today at 4:00 with Calista.
And she has promised to work her magic.
What do you think about that, huh?
You went down there?
Thank you.
Wait, you didn't hurt her, did you?
No, no. Look, I went down there because it was...
It was the right thing to do.
Aw, you're the best.
Mwah. (Chuckles)
Now look, there's something you can actually do for me.
There's something that I need you to acknowledge.
Yeah, what's that?
(Clears throat)
Well...
I need you to acknowledge...
(Coughing)
That...
You're beautiful no matter what your hair looks like.
Because your beauty comes from inside.
Or somewhere.
Aww, Joe, that's so sweet.
And you lie so much better than I do.
Oh, wait.
4:00? Oh, okay.
Yeah, I better go because I cannot make Calista wait.
That woman has a temper.
I didn't... I didn't notice that.
(Groans)
You made the right choice.
Yeah, I just sold out my personal convictions to keep peace with my girlfriend.
That's love.
It's not very satisfying.
That's love.
Hey, Ryder.
Um, so I heard you and Stella are sort of over?
Yeah, we're what you call "done."
Listen, you left this on the floor, and...
I thought I'd give it to you.
Yeah.
Toss it.
It mocks me.
No, you don't understand.
I'm giving this to you.
No. I mean, I'm done with the song.
So that's it.
I'm giving this...
To you.
Ohh.
Uh...
Alice, right?
Do you want to go to the zoo sometime?
I heard they have a new manatee.
They do.