"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
So in summary, you need to approve the loan for Longo Fit Virtual Gym because the only thing in better shape than its owner, is its profit margin.
Oh, great job.
Really, you're sure? It wasn't too long?
It didn't feel too short?
Joe, it's fine.
Honey, fine is for losers.
I mean, I need it to be perfect, all right?
'Cause the sooner I get this loan, the sooner I can launch this Virtual Gym and get Longo Fit out there, everywhere.
You know, worldwide. Maybe... maybe even beyond.
Look, the bank would be crazy to say no.
Online one-on-one training sessions?
That's something I would do every day.
Well, every other day.
Okay, once a week. I'm a very busy woman.
Anyway, you let me know if there's anything you need help with.
There is actually one very specific thing that you could do for me.
Yeah, well you know I'm always up for that.
Leave me alone for the next 48 hours.
What?
Joe Longo doesn't want to have sex?
Yeah, honey. I'm like a boxer before a big fight.
I really need to conserve my essence.
All right, that just means I don't have to shave my legs for the next few days.
(Cheering) I shall run and let the wind blow through my leg hair.
You're not gonna run.
Nah, not a chance.
(Theme music playing)
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
Oh, Ryder, hey. You remember when you brought home that bad math test and I bit your head off.
It was like a little over 28 days ago...
Yeah, you mean that time you got irrationally angry, and cried, and threw chocolate at me.
I was aiming for your mouth.
But, yeah, that's the day.
Can you check your calendar?
I need to know the exact date because I usually put it in my calendar like every month.
I don't have a test every month.
Just tell me.
Okay, all right. Uh, here it is.
I brought home the test on the fourteenth.
So that was, what?
Six weeks ago.
What? No, I don't believe this.
That means it's been six weeks since my last period.
Your period, you're grading period.
Yeah, I don't know why you're so worried about my grades, aunt Mel, okay? I got another test this week and I'm gonna do better. I know what happens if I get another "C".
What happens?
(Chuckling) Oh, very funny.
Yeah, like who could forget a punishment like that.
Oh, I didn't forget, you know.
So you live in fear of that, exact punishment, that is so awful that I...
I just can't say it out loud...
You can.
See?
See, you can't. It's that awful.
(Alarm ringing)
Oh, boy.
Preston, my man.
My brilliant, math-understanding man.
What's up?
Ryder, why could you possibly be speaking to me for the first time ever?
(Laughing) That's a good one.
Hey, listen, um...
I have a little bit of a serious problem.
I need to get a "B" on my next trig test.
Or my aunt won't let me go to the senior trip to Washington D.C.
Oh, that's too bad. The D.C. trip is reputed to be the highlight of senior year.
Students running wild, skinny dipping in the pool, jumping on hotel beds...
If that kind of thing appeals to you.
Oh, it does. Which is why I need your help.
I think if you prep me for the test, I can get a "B".
Hmm...
I'll do it on one condition.
You're friends with...
Layla Peterson, right?
Make her like me.
(Nervous laughter) That's a tall order.
You're not exactly... What's the word?
What girls are interested in.
But, if you want to run wild in D.C...
Okay, come on.
(Clears throat) Layla, hey...
Not now, Ryder. I'm trying to study.
If I fail another trig test, my parents are gonna k*ll me.
You're in luck. Because Preston here is a math genius.
He is like the Einstein of being smart...
So, listen, why don't you join our study group?
You would be embraced.
In our group, not by me.
In my arms.
Believe me, if you can help me pass trig I'll be the one embracing you.
(Nervous laughter)
Take it easy, dude. You're steaming up your glasses.
Hey, Joe, you got a minute?
Yeah, I could actually use a work break anyway.
What's up?
Uh, well, I was thinking about the future.
And maybe we should have a dinner party.
And you know who we should invite?
Your friend Derek, and his girlfriend Lisa that he accidentally got pregnant, whoops.
That worked out for them, right?
Derek is happier now than he has been in years, huh?
Yes, good for them.
Yeah, another happy couple.
Oh no, he's not with Lisa anymore.
But I thought you said he was happy?
Yeah, because now he's dating a 23-year-old lingerie model.
So what happened to Lisa?
You know, honey, they rushed into getting married, and then baby came along, and that even put more pressure on 'em, and then they got divorced. That's what happens when you don't follow the rules.
Cap it before you tap it?
No. No, honey.
No, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Derek with a baby carriage.
Words to live by.
Actually thinking about everything Derek went through makes me realize that the problems I'm dealing with are not really that big a deal.
Hm.
Glad I could help.
We have a problem.
Tell me about it.
I scratched my car.
It's just a little one. But the thing is, when I got my car, Joe guaranteed me that I'd have an accident within a week.
Oh, well you showed him. It's been, what, 10 days?
Do we have to tell him about the scratch?
Look, you lucked out. Joe is on the 48-hour no bother list while he gets ready for his loan presentations.
So, you get your car fixed by then and I won't tell him.
Seriously?
Cool, thanks, aunt Mel.
Oh, you know what? I'll take my car to the body shop tomorrow before Zander comes over to work.
He's been here a lot, lately.
I mean, I know you're collaborating, but are you collaborating?
No, we are just platonic friends and absolutely nothing else.
It's what we both want.
And this is what I want.
Hm, huh...
You know, it turns out I just really don't want wine.
What? You, not wanting wine? What, are you pregnant?
Oh, my God, you're pregnant!
Shh, I haven't told Joe yet.
Okay, and he's very traditional.
There's no telling how this will affect our relationship.
He might notice if you put on 50 pounds and then a person pops out of you.
Okay, I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow, take another test and find out when I'm due.
And then, after Joe's presentation I will find the perfect way to tell him.
But until then, you do not tell a single person, understood?
Okay, look, as long as you don't tell him about my car you could be squirting milk from here to Cleveland and I still wouldn't say a thing.
Okay, way to simultaneously support and traumatize me.
Longo, you can do better than this.
Hey, Joe. How's your proposal going?
(Growls)
I'm sorry, I don't speak bear.
Okay, seriously, am I the only person who ever empties this thing?
Yes, you are. Thanks, Joe.
Ugh...
Will you grab me another bag, please?
Yeah.
Hey, what the...
Who in this house took a pregnancy test?
Uh... me.
Lennox, this is positive.
Oh, yeah, that's not mine.
You just said it was.
Well... yeah.
You're pregnant?
If that is my test, then I have to say, yes I am.
I can not believe this.
This is how we find out that you are pregnant?
Okay, Joe, don't worry.
I guarantee you you will have a completely different outlook on this in like 48 hours.
This is not something that time heals, Lennox.
Who's the father, huh?
What is it, that Emerson punk?
Ugh, gross, I wouldn't even pretend to be having his baby.
Well, if it's not Emerson then it's gotta be...
Zander...
I should have known better.
I never bought this whole platonic friends act you two had going on, anyone can see you guys are still crazy about each other.
We are not.
Oh, says the mother of his love child.
Okay, okay, Joe. Just don't worry, all right?
Focus on what's really important right now, your loan presentation.
Yeah, sure, okay. 'Cause as long as we got money who cares how many pregnant teenagers are running around the house.
See, that's the spirit.
So, when am I due?
Because I'd like some time before I have to break the news to my boyfriend.
Like, three or four years should do it.
Well, then I have good news for you.
You're not pregnant.
I'm not pregnant? But, what about the home test I took?
Do you have any idea how old that test might have been?
Well, it was in a box of stuff my friend Heather gave me when she left to become a Color Me Badd groupie.
So, not brand new.
Well, there's your problem. Expired pregnancy tests can sometimes give a false positive.
But what about my monthly visitor?
She hasn't stopped by in weeks.
Has there been any change to your regular routine?
Anything stressful?
Not really, just doing the usual high-speed, modern dance woman does.
You know... raising kids, doing her job, trying to have a relationship, leaning in, sucking up...
Sometimes I do fall asleep at red lights, though.
I might be a little stressed out.
Well, now you have one less thing to worry about.
Great, I'm not pregnant.
I'm not pregnant.
I might have mixed emotions about this.
In a scalene right-angle triangle, the tangent of 65° is equal to eight over five.
Find the slope of the hypotenuse.
Are you just making this stuff up?
Isn't a slope like a hill?
Come on, guys. This is not tough.
Okay, okay, I got this.
Say the part about the hill again.
(Laughing)
It's not a hill, it's a slope.
Oh, relax. He's just kidding.
Can't you take a joke?
Ryder, you are so funny.
No, you're so funny.
You're supposed to be making me look cool.
Yeah.
Do you want to go to D.C. or not?
Okay, I'm getting there. All right?
Uh, Layla? You know what's more impressive than being funny?
Being smart.
And Preston here, got a perfect score on his S.A.T.
And early acceptance to Brown.
The color?
No, no, it's a school.
Oh.
Right?
You're so funny.
Dude, I think she likes you.
Well, well, well...
Look who decided to show up to my house, voluntarily.
This must be my lucky day.
Hey, Joe...
Don't "hey, Joe" me, pal.
You and I need to have a little chat.
Sure, can I plug my phone in first?
I forgot to charge it last night.
How could you and Lennox be so irresponsible?
Hey, you know what? It's just a phone.
She is pregnant with your child, man.
What?
"What," don't play dumb, all right, she told me.
Okay, well that would...
That would make her like...
Know, she doesn't look eight months pregnant.
Quit playing your games, Zander. You're the father, period.
All right, as much as I can't stand this fact, you are now gonna be solely responsible for taking care of Lennox and that baby.
So she's really pregnant?
This, uh...
This changes everything. Oh, my God!
Hey, look. Calm down, all right?
I may have just come down a little hard on you over there.
The point is, we're gonna get through this.
Because that's what families do.
Come here, son.
Are you good?
I'm all good.
Great.
Look, pregnancies.
(Voice quivering) They can bring out a lot of emotions.
Yeah, they can.
But the point is...
I'm gonna be right back.
I understand.
(Phone beeping)
"Zander, whatever you do, don't go to my house, 9-1-1."
(Laughing) No freaking kidding, Lennox.
(Phone ringing)
Lennox?
Hey, aunt Mel. Listen, they're saying that this paint job is gonna be $600. Are they ripping me off?
Oh, honey, that's what they do to us beautiful blondes.
But you stand firm like a mature woman, and cry until they lower the price.
Wow, that is so offensive. And totally brilliant, thanks.
Oh yeah, and there's one other thing you should know, (Power drill whirring)
Honey, I can't hear you.
(Whirring continues)
Okay, you know what, just... I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
Hey, we need to talk.
Oh, I can't right now, Joe. I just stopped by to pick up my notes for my afternoon meeting with the Mayor.
I know what's going on.
You do?
Yep, I found out about Lennox's little accident.
Oh right, Lennox's accident.
So you knew? Why didn't you tell me?
Well, you were busy.
And frankly, we thought you'd overreact.
Overreact?
If anything, I'm underreacting.
I can assure you, you're not.
Honey, she was completely irresponsible.
She didn't even tell Zander.
Well, why would she? They're not a couple.
Wait, was he there when it happened?
I'm pretty sure he was, yeah.
And he has a right to know.
Okay, look, it's not that big a deal.
They're teenagers, this kind of thing happens from time to time.
It happened to me when I was her age.
What?!
You never told me that.
Well, what's to tell?
Some guy pulled out in front of me, tried to stop, it was just too late.
I didn't need the picture!
Look, Joe, just relax, okay?
Lennox and I will handle this while you take care of what's really important. Your loan application.
How could you even be thinking of something like that right now?
Do you not have any priorities at all?
Course I do, which is why I have to get back to work.
All right, fine, you don't want to handle this whole thing with Lennox, no problem. I'll handle it.
Fine, but go easy on her. Just have her explain exactly how it happened, and then show her some maneuvers to avoid the situation next time.
Bye, honey.
What the hell is wrong with you people?
Okay, I've explained everything you need to know.
You should be able to finish this problem in the amount of time it takes to get myself a non-dairy beverage.
All right, here we go.
So the imaginary number "I" is...
Oh, my God. I'm actually starting to get this.
All right, so all we have to do is take the square root...
This is boring, can we take a study break?
Layla, if I don't get this, then I can't go on the trip to D.C.
So, do we have the answer?
Yeah, almost.
To hell with D.C.
I don't believe you!
That's it.
When I'm with the rest of the seniors sitting on Abraham Lincoln's lap, you'll regret this, Ryder.
Yeah, I don't think I will.
Oh, great. Hey, listen to me, man.
Word to the wise...
Don't ever have sex.
Thanks, Joe.
Yeah, look, I'll be right back.
Your sister got herself into a little bit of trouble, and no one here wants to handle it, so I'm gonna handle it.
What's the big deal, it's just a little bump?
You knew, too?
Yeah, she was acting all weird this morning when I asked her for a ride, so she finally came clean and showed me the photos on her phone.
It's pretty ugly.
Hey, it doesn't matter what it looks like, all right?
It's still part of this family.
And we will love it.
Oh, my God, Zander.
Look, I need to talk to you, okay? Just listen.
I've given this a lot of thought and I know that you're pregnant, and obviously it's not mine, so I can only assume that it's Emerson's...
Whoa, okay. Zander, no...
Just let me finish, okay?
I know that we're just supposed to be friends now.
And...
You just need to understand that you're not alone.
Okay? 'Cause you have me.
And you'll always have me.
You want to be with me even if I'm pregnant with Emerson's baby?
Yeah, I do.
You are amazing.
Kind of crazy, but mostly amazing.
There's only one problem.
I'm not pregnant.
You're not?
Mm-mm.
Is that a deal breaker?
I think I'll find some way to get over it.
Whoa, what's all that?
This is me taking your pregnancy seriously.
Because somebody has to. Here.
"What to expect when you're unexpectedly expecting."
Oprah loves that one.
Okay, Joe, look. I know what I said earlier.
But the truth is I was covering.
That pregnancy test wasn't mine.
So, you're not pregnant?
No.
Oh, thank God. That's awesome.
Because I gotta tell you something, you're not ready for a baby...
Wait wait wait wait, whose test was that?
Uh...
That was... that was Mel's? Mel is pregnant?
I'm gonna be a father.
I'm gonna be a father.
I hear Oprah loves this one.
Well, if ever there was a day that I deserve this, it's today.
What the hell are you doing?!
What the hell are you doing?
No no no no no no no no no no.
Why didn't you tell me?
Tell you what?
That I'm gonna be a father.
Oh, boy.
Because you're not.
It's someone else's?
No, listen, Joe.
I took a pregnancy test, but it was a false positive.
I'm not pregnant.
Oh.
(Sighs)
I gotta tell you, honey. That is a relief.
It is?
Yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm not really ready for a baby.
Not this week. This has really been a bad week.
Why didn't you tell me what was going on?
Well, because you were busy with your presentation and then we started talking about your friend Derek, and how an unplanned pregnancy ruined his relationship.
And I just didn't want that to happen to you and me.
It wouldn't have.
We aren't them.
So, if I had been pregnant?
I would be the happiest guy in the whole world.
I'm sorry, I should have told you as soon as it happened.
Like with Lennox scratching her car.
She scratched her car?
Okay, you're not going to overreact, are you?
After what I've been through today?
No freaking way.
No promises about tomorrow, though.
Hey, honey.
Hey, so how'd the meeting go?
Bank officer loved it.
Great!
Yeah, until she looked me up online and saw that I used to work for Scanlon. Turns out that Scanlon stole her father's entire life savings.
So, she didn't give you the loan?
She tried to hit me with a stapler.
Joe, I'm so sorry.
No, that's okay. I was actually just happy that she couldn't lift the copy machine.
It's gonna be fine, though. You know why?
Because I have an unbeatable product.
And amazing good looks.
Well, I wasn't gonna say that.
Yes, you were.
You're right.
Hey, guys.
Ah-ah, hey, didn't you get your math test back today?
Yeah.
Another "C"? Ryder!
Alright, go ahead. Make it official.
Give me the punishment you promised.
Yeah, the punishment I promised.
I hereby give you...
That.
Eh, it was worth it.
You have no idea what that punishment was supposed to be, do you?
Not a clue.
You know, until we have kids of our own, it's kinda nice to have these other ones to make mistakes on.