"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Charlie, that sounds awesome, man.
Yeah, let me just run it by my bride-to-be first.
Hey, will you stop making that whipping sound, please?
Letting Mel know my schedule is not the same thing as handing over my...
Them. Bye.
Hey, these came for aunt Mel. They're from grandpa Russell.
Oh.
"Pumpkin, I'll be there tomorrow to walk you down the aisle.
Sorry I missed today's flight, things got crazy with the Qantas girls in the frequent flyer lounge."
Man, grandpa Russell is so cool.
And quite a role model.
Hey, uh, where is your aunt?
Oh, she's upstairs with your mom and sister doing bride crap.
Oh.
Okay, so... Hair down or hair up?
My Joey's bride looks gorgeous no matter how she wears her hair.
Aww.
Ma, the day before the wedding is no time for B.S.
Wear it down.
Thanks.
You know, I don't make very good decisions on a juice fast.
Oh, you're not sticking to that juice fast at the bachelorette party tonight, are you?
Your breath smells like lawn clippings.
(Knocks)
Hey, Mel, listen, I gotta talk...
Oh my God, Joey!
What are you doing in here?
Both: Get out!
Hey!
It's bad luck for you to see the bride in her dress before the wedding.
I gotta talk to her for a minute.
Talk from the hall!
Get out!
All right! I wanted... Mom!
(Mother yells)
Mel?
Yeah?
Listen, uh...
Instead of a bachelor party, Charlie's just taking me out for a little last day of adventure, okay?
Have fun, but promise me nothing dangerous.
Don't go breaking any parts I'm gonna need on the honeymoon.
Yeah, don't worry, I'll keep all the good stuff in bubble wrap for you, baby.
What?
He saw you in the dress.
Oh, come on, it's just a superstition.
Oh, not so.
Vinny Zirpolo saw his fiancee in her dress before the wedding. He got hit by lightning on the way to the church.
He didn't like women after that.
Well, I'm not worried about that with Joe.
Fabio Marcotulli saw his fiancee in her dress before the wedding.
After the ceremony, she got rice thrown in her eye and went blind.
With this juice fast, if anyone starts throwing rice I'm gonna catch it in my mouth.
Ugh, I miss chewing.
You know, Joey saw Tiffany in her dress before the wedding.
Mm-hmm and how'd that marriage work out, huh?
Huh? Hmm?
Huh? Eh?
So... I'm getting a new dress.
(Theme music playing)
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ It's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ It's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ As far as I can see ♪
♪ It's all good ♪
♪ All good ♪
♪ It's okay ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ It's all right ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ I guess you're stuck ♪
♪ with me. ♪
You know, why would you get something new when you can get a totally awesome suit at the thrift store for like 12 bucks.
Is that a bloodstain?
Yeah, I think some guy got sh*t in it.
Oh, and they threw in this awesome fez for free.
Which you are never wearing in public.
Okay, yeah, we'll save it for private time.
Hey, guess who arrived while you guys were out?
Joe's sister Theresa...
And her son Marco.
Oh.
So who's "Marco"?
Uh, Joe's nephew. When we went to New Jersey last year, Marco showed me around the neighborhood.
But you know, it's not any big deal.
He probably doesn't even remember me.
I thought I heard an angel's voice.
How is it possible that your eyes are sparkling even more than the last time I saw them?
Look at that, he remembers you.
Yeah. Hey, Marco.
I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Zander.
Her long-term boyfriend Zander.
Right right right.
The one she was on the pause from.
Yes, but now we are very un-paused.
Got it. By the way, nice hat, Aladdin.
(Laughing) Oh man, Charlie.
I gotta tell you something, buddy.
That was the best non-bachelor party I could ever have.
Dude, you were a madman out there.
What, do you got a death wish?
Oh yeah, clearly you do.
You're getting married tomorrow.
What a sweet thought. You know what, I should have you write my vows.
(Muttering) Stupid...
Hey, Zander. You did pretty good for your first ride out there, buddy.
And without training wheels.
You know what? You tried to run me off the road.
Oh, you didn't notice?
We were all off-road.
I know what you're trying to do, okay?
You're trying to get me out of the way.
If this is about me and Lennox, trust me...
Nothing happened.
(Ryder laughs)
It's funny how he makes "nothing" sound like something.
(Laughs mockingly) Yeah, it's hilarious.
Guys, this ends right now, come on.
And listen, when we get back, what happened here today is never spoken about again.
You got it?
I said you got it?
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, that's fine.
Ryder, I gotta say I'm pretty proud.
You remembered everything I said about being safe out there.
Yeah, I did. Hey, up top.
Yeah!
Oh!
Oh my God. Is the bike okay?
Yeah, that's the concern... The bike.
Uh-huh, will the bike be able to walk down the aisle tomorrow?
Oh... oh...
I got it. I'm good, I'm good.
I'm... oh!
Okay, nobody can ever tell Joe that I spent this much money on a second dress because of some silly superstition.
Well, isn't Joey gonna know you're wearing a completely different dress?
No, he's a guy.
All they notice is dress and white and cleavage.
She's not wrong.
Joe, are you sure you're gonna be able to dance in time for this wedding tomorrow?
Yes, I'm gonna be fine.
Look, Charlie knows this guy, he's a doctor.
Well, he's sort of a doctor, all of his patients are horses.
But he said he's got this concoction that will for sure have me on my feet by tomorrow.
So here, he gave me the address there.
Okay. Hey, let's get you to the couch.
I can get myself to the couch.
Just go get my horse dr*gs.
Joe, are you sure this is a real doctor?
His address just says, "beige van."
Will you just go, please?
Okay.
Joe, you're home. Hide it.
Yes, and I'm fine. Hide what?
Oh, I... I can't hide my feelings for you, sweetie.
Oh.
So we should practice our first dance right now.
Whoa, now? No, now wouldn't be a good idea.
We don't even have the music, sweetie.
Oh, well...
(Dance music playing)
Now we do.
Okay, all right. Let's do it.
Ready? Here we go. Hey, yeah, good good.
That's great. That's unbelievable.
Wow.
Okay, here we go.
This way, okay. Now back.
Yes, beautiful. No, now this way.
There we go, yeah.
You're doing so good.
Yeah, you're not so bad yourself, honey.
Yep yep... oh!
Ow! Okay.
Did I hurt you?
Nope. Nope.
No no no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
Can you stand?
Yep.
You mean now?
Sure, yep. (Sighs)
See?
(Gasps)
Oh no, what did I do to you?
Oh, you didn't do anything, honey. It's... it's...
It's not your fault. You just happened to step on this old bone spur that I have from this...
This old...
Kickboxing injury.
What?
When did you ever kickbox?
Yeah, it's not really important.
I'm in a lot of pain here, sweetie.
I'm such a klutz. I can't believe I wasn't more careful the day before our wedding.
Oh, yeah, what's done is done.
I'll be back on my feet by tomorrow.
Oh, that's my Joe.
So brave...
And so delusional. You can't even stand.
Maybe we should postpone the wedding.
No no no no no.
Look, honey, it's gonna be fine. I already have Ryder out picking me up some pills to take care of this.
Wait. So you knew I was gonna step on your old injury before it happened?
No.
No. What did I...
Did I just...
I meant I'm going to send Ryder to pick up some pills.
See, the pain is messing with my verb tenses, sweetie.
It's... it's fine. Look look look.
You know, it was an accident, it's nobody's fault.
Maybe yours a little.
So what did all you guys do for your big secret adventure?
Ah, you know, boy stuff.
You have mud in your ear.
Dirty boy stuff.
There she is.
Grandma, can I take this off now?
Not yet. You and Lennox are a couple in the processional.
And you haven't even practiced.
Do you two even know how you're gonna walk down the aisle?
Oh well, I was thinking that I'd go with right-left-right.
Hey, me too.
Har-Dee-har.
Let me see what you got.
Um... you know what? I think I can wing it tomorrow.
Yeah, I don't think we'll have any trouble moving together rhythmically.
Oh! I just got that. (Laughing)
Oh, you bad boy.
I'll leave the two of you to practice alone.
I'm right here.
Yeah, you know, Marco, I don't know why you're always saying things like there's some hidden meaning.
Yeah, it's like in his mind he thinks he's your...
Jersey boyfriend.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Nothing.
You know, I gotta be honest. You know what I like about that guy?
Nothing.
Psst, Joe.
I got the stuff.
You can stop whispering, all right.
Mel and the ladies are still out on their pub crawl.
But talking like this is still kinda fun.
Okay. Here it is.
Whoa, wait a minute. That... that's a sh*t.
There's no pills?
Joe, are you afraid of needles?
No.
No!
It's okay if you are, you know?
Everyone's scared of something. I've got a fear.
I don't wanna hear about it.
Wax dummies.
What part of "I don't wanna hear about it" was unclear to you?
One time we went on this trip to New York.
We walk into the wax museum, right?
And there's Larry King. And he's just sitting there like...
I'm looking at him, he's staring at me and I see the beads of sweat dripping down his face.
I mean, why do they gotta put beads of sweat on him, you know?
It's like no 12-year-old needs to see a wet Larry king.
(Sighs)
Clearly you were scarred.
Well, my point...
Oh good.
Is everyone's got fears, you know?
You need this sh*t, Joe. It's the only way you're gonna get better for the dance.
I know, but I can't give the sh*t to myself.
So... if I'm getting the sh*t...
You're gonna have to do it.
Awesome.
How do you know how to do that?
Watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy."
Okeydokey, put your leg up.
I'm rethinking this.
Do you wanna get better or not?
Okay, fine.
All right.
(Clears throat) Okay, on the count of five, okay?
So we're going on five?
Yeah.
Okay, five. All right, ready.
One...
Mm-hmm.
Two!
What the...
What happened to five?
Ooh, I got excited.
(Women laughing)
Wooo! Wooo!
Who knew Toledo had such a nightlife?
I did.
Oh, and that's why she's my best friend.
I love you, Jackie-wackie.
I love you, Melly-belly.
Now you get some sleep before your big day tomorrow.
God, the room is spinning.
Maybe one more drink will slow it down.
Oh hey, stay for a nightcap.
I'm going back to the bar.
At 2:00 A.M.?
Well, there's no one in this room I wanna hook up with. I mean, no offense.
Here, Ma.
Oh, no thanks.
I'm too much of a lady to puke in a trash can.
Good night, miss Burke.
Oh, "miss Burke."
Last time you'll be hearing that, huh?
Good night, honey.
Good night.
Ugh, it was awesome hearing all those childhood stories about Joe.
And it was so adorable that he used to carry a briefcase in fourth grade.
Yeah, it was filled with fruit roll-ups and string cheese.
(Both laughing)
Joe would be so embarrassed if he knew you told me all his secrets.
I didn't tell you everything about Joe.
I mean, even Joe doesn't know everything about Joe.
This couch is very sleepable.
Wait wait wait. No no no, no sleeping.
Oh.
You can't just tease me and pass out.
I had enough of that in college.
So what doesn't Joe know about Joe?
Oh, I can't tell you.
My lips are sealed.
Turn the key and throw away the zipper.
(Yawning) You'll never guess it either.
You'll never guess that Joe has a 13-year-old daughter he knows nothing about.
(Giggles) Whoopsie.
I did not say that.
Wait, Joe has a daughter?!
Shh.
No, what...
How? Where?
Who's the mom? You gotta tell me more.
Don't start with me, Ma. I'm tired.
What? No, okay.
Don't sleep. Don't sleep.
Theresa! Hey hey!
Come on. Come on.
Theresa!
Wake up! Wake up!
Hey...
Hey.
Hey.
Good morning. Oh yeah, good luck with that.
She sleeps like a log. You'd have better luck chopping her down than you will waking her up.
Oh, honey. Check this out.
You ready?
What? Yes, I'm back.
That's right, and I am ready to strut you down the aisle today.
Aw, that's great, Joe.
Are you okay?
Yeah sure, fine.
Oh, jeez. Okay.
She told you something embarrassing about me last night, didn't she?
Well, um...
I don't want to freak you out, but she did say something about...
My briefcase?
That's it.
I knew it.
Look, that was an awesome briefcase, all right?
Every kid in that class wanted that briefcase.
Whatever, I'm over it. I'm not gonna retaliate.
Actually, you know what? I think I will.
I think I'm gonna just draw a little mustache on her face.
Joe!
Yeah, you're right. She's a Longo.
She'll have one for real in a couple years anyway.
All right.
I'm gonna go get dressed.
Hey, I still have that briefcase.
It's still awesome.
Ow! Oh!
What was that for?
You have to tell me more about Joe's secret daughter.
Joe has a secret daughter?
Fine, play it that way. I am just gonna send your husband this photo of you flashing the bartender from last night.
What? No, you wouldn't!
I am a bride on a juice fast.
There is no telling what I'm capable of.
All right, all right.
Look...
(Sighs) The mom's name is Felicia.
She lived down the street from us.
14 years ago Joe came home and I had a big new year's Eve party.
And well, at midnight, they did more than just kiss.
After she got pregnant, Felicia moved out of town and she had the baby. But she swore me to secrecy, so you can't tell Joe any of this.
I have to tell him. We are about to get married.
I know, that's exactly why you can't tell him today.
It'll ruin everything. You know I'm right.
This is awful!
Yeah.
You gonna erase that picture off your phone now?
Eh, there's no photo. You didn't flash anybody last night.
Huh, really? I thought I had more fun.
(Classical music playing)
Ryder. So?
Grandpa's not here yet.
Do we wait for him?
What a surprise.
I should have bet somebody 50 bucks he'd be late to this wedding.
Pay up, Joseph. Hello, everybody.
Welcome to my daughter's wedding.
I'm so pleased you could all make it.
Russell, I want you to meet someone.
Mom.
Russell, this is my mother Gloria.
Mom, this is Mel's dad, Senator Russell Burke.
Well, I am very pleased to meet you.
Glad you could squeeze us in.
Now when you take Mel down the aisle...
Not too fast, not too slow.
Just stay in step with the music.
It's not brain surgery.
My goodness, aren't you a shrinking violet?
Senator, let's save the smart comments till we're done and just do what I say.
Absolutely, princess.
Hey, come here.
Um, look, you remember our agreement, right?
Oh yeah.
Okay.
What was it again?
After the wedding, you're telling Mel and Joe that you're not going to college.
You can't keep putting it off.
Yeah, you know, I really think the best way for me to tell them is for you to tell them.
What? They like you better.
Everybody likes me better.
But that's not the point. This is your problem and you have to tell them.
Hey, Zander.
I'm about to do the procession, however my phone creates an unsightly bulge and ruins the sleek line of my pant.
Would you be a bud and hold this for me?
Sure, anything to fix the unsightly bulge in your pant.
(Wedding processional playing)
Friends, family, power brokers of Toledo...
We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Melanie Alison Burke and Joseph Paul Longo.
As we all now, Mel and Joe both love to get the last word in.
So the decision on who would read their vows first was determined this morning by coin toss.
It's all yours, Joe.
Thank you, judge.
Mel...
I never thought that I would ever meet someone that I could share absolutely everything with.
All my good qualities and my... Not-so-good qualities.
But when I look in your eyes, I realize that...
I never kickboxed.
Nope.
You didn't hurt my foot when we were dancing.
I actually hurt my foot when I was dirt-bike riding with the fellas yesterday.
I kept it a secret.
I know it's small, but it's not the way you enter into a marriage with the woman you're gonna spend the rest of your life with.
So here's my vow...
I promise I will love you for the rest of my life.
And I promise you that no matter what happens, I will always be completely honest with you.
Mel, your turn.
What can I say that can top that?
Obviously nothing.
Mel?
Right.
Here goes.
We're still waiting.
Your turn for the vows.
(Stammers) I had something, um, but I'm... Just drawing a blank.
Well, Joe said very nice words about love and honesty.
Maybe you could riff on that.
Right right... Honesty.
You know...
I've been keeping a secret from you too, Joe.
And here it is.
She bought another dress.
That's it. Get married already.
Well, that is true about the dress.
But there is something more.
I have a secret dog house?
No.
A secret daughter?
(Gasping)
Yep.
Whew, well...
I feel good now.
All right, (Clears throat)
I'm ready to do my vows now.