08x06 - Charlie’s Mom Has Cancer

[bunniefuu]

(knocking)

Charlie: Hey, knock, knock.

Bonnie: Oh, hi, Charlie.

Hey, Ma.

Listen, you're doing me a solid offering to do this laundry, all right?

Well, we never get to talk.

That's why I offered.

We don't talk, and it's good that way.

Mac: Hello.

Hey, Mac's here.

He brought his laundry.

Thanks a bundle, Mrs. Kelly.

I got Frank's stuff, Dee's stuff, Dennis' stuff, so you're gonna be working.

Oh, okay, well, what I wanted to talk to you about...

Ooh, talky, talky, talky, talky, talky.

You know, Mom, we're busy.

We got a whole big day planned.

Yeah, we got to go back to Paddy's and polish off a couple beers, so it's like...

Beers, you know, but hey.

Time is of the essence.

We'll come back when it's folded and good and done.

I'd like to bring it up now.

Um, I have cancer.

Yeah, but I got to... I'm sorry. What?

I have lung cancer.

What?

But how?

You don't even smoke.

Well, you know, it's just one of those freak things.

Sweet Dee: And then Psychic John said that he could tell I was under a tremendous amount of stress and that my heart was filled with sorrow.

Now how would he have known that if he wasn't psychic?

Frank: I'm not giving you any money for your dumb psychic.

But he says I'm gonna have a tremendous windfall of cash.

You're losing your mind.

You're being scammed.

I'm losing my mind?

How many pairs of shoes have you lost this month, Frank?

Three.

Hmm?

Four. That's not the point.

The point is my mind is as sharp as a... what do you call it?

Um, it's a... Kn*fe?

No, uh, what you put... What you... What you...

I just don't understand why it's my fault.

It's your fault because your mom is directly responsible.

Yeah, but we both decided to move them in together, so you know, you deserve half the blame.

You want to put half the blame on me?

Guys, my mom has lung cancer.

Dennis: Oh, God.

You know, geez.

That's-that's terrible.

What the hell was that, dude?

That didn't sound very genuine.

No. Sorry.

What was I supposed to do?

What are you... Are you kidding me?

Are you screwing with me right now?

No, I'm sorry.

I think the cancer thing, for whatever reason, is just not...

You know, it's just not grabbing me right now.

Not grabbing you?

My mom is dying!

Okay, calm down, calm down.

Okay, because my mom has a doctor that can cure the cancer for 4,200 bucks, so no big deal.

4,200 bucks? To cure cancer?

That's it?

No, I mean, that's a scam.

That's what I was saying.

Do you think it's a scam?

Come on, people take advantage of old people and scam them all the time.

Thumbtack.

What?

Thumbtack.

We were talking about things that earlier that were sharp, and a thumbtack is sharp.

Thumbtack?

Yeah.

All right. You see what I'm talking about?

People get old and then their brains turn to mush, and then people come along and take advantage of them.

Now, Frank, give me the hundred bucks you were excited to give me for my psychic.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Where the hell are we?

I mean, your mom's totally screwing my mom again with this doctor scam.

No, it's not a scam, Charlie.

She's been seeing this guy for years, and she doesn't have cancer.

Yeah, I got to say, though, this is a strange place for a doctor's office.

What's this guy's name?

Dr. Jinx.

Dr. Jinx is the name of a monkey, not a man.

Come in.

He lives in a garage?

Yeah. Guys, look, let's just give him a sh*t, all right?

If we don't like what we see, we reassess.

All right. Go.

(music playing)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you Dr. Jinx?

Indeed I am.

Have a seat.

g*dd*mn it.

So, what are we gonna do, guys?

I'd just like to say this is, uh, this is weird.

Now, I can understand your suspicions.

Now, when most people think of a doctor, they don't think of a black man living in a garage surrounded by houseplants.

I normally think Asian.

Yeah, or I think of an Indian guy.

Or white.

Middle Eastern. Pretty much anything other than black.

Is that r*cist?

Hell, yeah, it's r*cist.

Your parents ain't let you watch The Cosby Show when you was coming up?

Oh, my parents would never have let me watch something like that.

Let's not make this about racism.

Let's make this about the man who's living in a garage treating my mom for cancer.

Hey, hey, now, look, here's my deal: I use ancient homeopathic remedies derived from the Mother Earth.

You can't get no cleaner than that.

Homeopathic from Mother Earth, huh?

Dr. Jinx, I have an eczema situation that's burning me up good.

Do you have anything for that?

Oh, sh*t.

Well, that's not eczema.

What you have there, my friend, that's sailor's rot.

Sailor's rot?

I'm not a sailor, Dr. Jinx.

When was the last time you've been to Haiti?

Never. I've never been to...

I've been to Kensington.

When you was in Kensington, did you have intercourse with any hoes, ladies of the nights, or prostitutes?

No. No. I have... Don't worry about it.

Doctor-client privilege.

Don't worry about it.

I got what you need, okay?

Oh! Oh! Oh, that burns!

(groans)

Mother Earth don't play.

Do you have anything from the Mother Earth that would be sprayed on me and cause me to have feelings again 'cause I'm having trouble feeling things.

Oh, you want feelings?

Oh, I have something for that.

Dr. Jinx got something for feelings.

(plays funky bass line)

Okay, so that was a scam, right?

Yep.

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

I think he sprayed me with Miracle-Gro.

All right, guys, my mom has real problems.

I need real help.

Oh, I got it.

I know exactly who we need to turn to next.

♪ Raise you up on eagles' wings Bear you on the breath of dawn ♪
♪ Make you to shine like the sun and hold you in the palm of his hand. ♪

Holy, holy, holy.

Lord God of power and might, heaven and earth are full of your glory.

This is ridiculous.

What are we doing here?

We're turning to the big man upstairs.

He's gonna make this right.

I can't believe you think this is a real solution to our problem.

Dennis, what do you think of all this?

Shh. Amen.

I'm just trying to embrace this.

I want to see if I can knock some emotion loose.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, hey, hey, don't say that; now kneel.

Why do I have to kneel?

I don't see the point.

Because God wants it.

Look, just do what the priest says; don't ask why, just do.

Look, our moms are here.

They see the value in it.

Why can't you?

(coughs)

Where's your mom going?

Oh, she keeps a cigarette burning out on the steps outside, so she's gonna go hack a butt.

So, she just comes and goes as she pleases?

There's no sort of rules for her?

She's put her time in here, all right?

The Lord makes an exception for her.

Jesus Christ, man.

Hey... stop using his name in vain; now, stand.

(groans) Stand?

Yes, and give me some money for the baskets.

No, I'm not giving you money.

We have to give money...

Thank you, thank you.

Look, maybe the church should give us money, you know?

They seem to have plenty of it.

Dude, the church doesn't give money; it takes it, all right?

That's the way it works.

And then you go to heaven.

Now, kneel.

Kneel? I got to kneel again?

Actually, it's over.

We're standing again.

Son of a bitch!

This is a scam, okay?

This is a scam.

It's kneeling, standing, getting people all confused.

Hey, hey, come here.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Offering you a sign of peace.

I don't want this.

Peace be with you.

Can I say something?

Can I say something?

Sorry about your mother.

(Charlie groans)

Okay, I want to talk about someone in your life.

Okay.

Okay, someone close to you.

All right.

I'm getting a Fa... No, I'm getting a Ba...

No, I'm getting a Da... Dennis?

Dennis!

Is it?

Yes, yeah, no, I'm seeing that.

Dennis?

Yup, yup, I'm seeing Dennis.

Okay.

And I am feeling as if he is a neighbor... or an enemy.

He's a coworker, friend, he's a relative...

He's my brother.

He's your brother.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Is he how I'm getting my windfall of cash?

You know, I'm not seeing clearly yet how you get the cash.

I do see a lot of money in your future.

You do?

Yeah, but... (laughing): Oh, sh*t.

I think it's gonna take a few sessions to really get the whole picture.

Is it?

Ha-- I was just out buying new shoes and I remembered I didn't want to give you that hundred bucks.

Yeah, and then you called me and you said you changed your mind and you'd like to give me another hundred, so where is it?

I did?

Yeah.

Ah, sh*t.

Hi. Psychic John.

You have an interesting aura.

Don't start with me.

Who's gonna win the Super Bowl this year?

You don't know sh*t.

Well, I do know that you lost three pairs of shoes this month.

You have a pork chop bone in your left pocket; you have 57 cents in your right, and you clipped someone's side mirror while parking in a handicap spot.

Holy sh*t.

That's good.

Can you conjure the dead?

Can you get my dead whore wife back here so I can lay into her from the other side?

Well, I can't do that.

Nah, because you're full of sh*t.

I can't do it because I feel her spirit is still very much alive.

(gong rings)

What? No, well, I don't know about that.

W-W-Wait a minute.

I knew there was always something suspicious about that whore's death.

Really?

Yes, we didn't ask any questions.

We never saw the body.

We didn't go to the funeral.

I am feeling as if she is still living somewhere in the city with a small Mexican dog.

(Sweet Dee gasps)

Does that ring a bell?

Ooh, that dirty bitch.

Well, I'll tell you, guys.

I didn't feel much in there, but I do always enjoy the little wafers.

Of course you do because you're consuming the actual body of Christ.

Uh-huh, well, he was delicious.

Wait, what?

You're eating our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ every Sunday, that's...

You're telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers, and then you proceed to just eat the man?

Correct, you consumed his corpse and you drank his blood; that's a part of...

Good, good, good, good.

This is what we're dealing with.

Hey, Mom.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Why are you here, honestly?

I was praying for help.

I need the money for Dr. Jinx.

Dr. Jinx is a con artist and a lunatic.

I-I know he's strange, but he's a great doctor.

He really does cure people.

Hey, guys, look at this.

My rash is almost completely cleared up.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Yeah, look at that.

Whatever he sprayed on me worked.

He might actually be a good doctor.

Oh, sh*t.

Hi, everybody, just a reminder if you wouldn't mind.

We're asking for extra donations for the statue of the Blessed Mother that was vandalized last week.

What the sh*t, man?

Charlie.

My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?

No, no, no, no, don't give me this act.

Charlie, calm down.

No, no, no, why don't you give us some money, okay?

How much is that ring worth?

That looks like an expensive ring; can we have the ring?

Okay, uh-uh, I'm sorry, Father, I will pray for his sins.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

It's okay. I got this.

What am I doing?

What is he doing?

No, listen, listen, listen.

Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know.

It's all a big scam, okay?

Yeah.

But I will say this, the church's scam?

It's a pretty good one.

It's effective.

Look at all the money these people are giving to the church.

So, I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's.

Guys, let's throw a beef and beer.

A beef and beer-- it's been years.

Beef and beer, huh?

Yeah, we invite the members of this congregation down to Paddy's for cheap beef and watered-down beer.

We'll prey on their Catholic guilt by playing up your mom's cancer and "Oh, she's dying," and she is, you know, and we'll raise a bunch of money to give to your mom to give to Dr.

Jinx.

It's the Holy Trinity: beef and beer and Jesus.

Frank: Dig, dig, dig.

What makes you think she's got money buried in the dog's grave?

Well, she can't use a bank.

She's probably got money buried all over the city.

Oop, there we go.

Yeah, dig it up, dig it up.

Come on, buddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Aah, g*dd*mn!

Aw, there's a dead dog in there!

Gross!

That's not a dog.

That's my toupee, my blond toupee.

I used to wear this in Miami.

She hated this g*dd*mn thing.

Oh, she didn't like that?

No.

You are an idiot.

Oh, my God, there is some cash.

That dirty whore.

There's got to be, like, five grand in here.

I bet she's probably got this stuff hidden all over the city.

I can't believe this.

She's alive.

We better tell your brother Daryl 'cause he's gonna want to be in the loop.

Dennis?

Dennis, Dennis, g*dd*mn it!

Okay, shh.

Frank, you're losing it!

Stop it. Pipe down.

People live here.

My head is turning to soup.

Okay, I get it.

Hey, uh-uh, Mr... Juarez.

Mr. Juarez, that's right.

You remember the Mexican family whose house we b*rned down and we had to give them our mansion.

Oh, how do you like the mansion?

Oh, it's been very, very nice.

You know, the weddings, the quinceañeras, but it's very expensive.

Uh, how you call it, uh, property tax.

It's too much.

Yeah.

We had to leave.

Anyway, I am back here every Saturday.

Why?

Oh, I have to go to work.

Aw, sh*t.

Well, that sucks.

Tell you what.

Property taxes-- paying for what you already own?

Now, that's a scam.

♪ We want the funk got to have the funk Oh, we want the funk We need it ♪
♪ Gotta have that funk We want the funk... ♪

Padre!

So good to see you.

So good of you to come.

Oh... Yeah, right on, right on.

Well, it's for a good cause, isn't it?

So... have some beef, have some beer.

And if you feel the calling, you know, go ahead and pop that ring in the donation bucket.

Although I know you won't.

All right.

Have a good time.

We're both playing the same game, I-I totally get it.

I get what you're doing.

Let me see the-the neck.

Mom, turn your head that way.

Can we do more lesions?

No, dude, the lesions are fine.

That's overkill.

Trust me.

I don't know why I have to wear all this makeup, and wear a bald cap.

Mom, you want people to feel sorry for you, right?

Then they give a lot of money.

And you just don't look that sick.

You gotta look sicker.

But I feel like it's lying.

Oh, it's not lying, Mrs.

Kelly, because you are dying of cancer.

Yeah.

It's devouring your insides.

But we need for it to devour your outside, so it plays better for our audience.

Yeah, look, Mom, it's just basic Hollywood stuff, all right?

Don't fight it.

Why can't you get Frank to give me the money?

Frank's not really like a big charity kind of guy.

He's not really gonna give it.

Okay.

Let's talk about the speech, okay?

Can you go over the speech that we gave you?

I don't like this speech.

This speech is too graphic.

It... it needs to be graphic to get their attention.

This bitch is driving me crazy.

I'm sorry.

Look, that's the kind of stuff that's going to grab people, you know what I mean?

Like... graphic stuff, melt their...

Artemis, what are you doing?

You can't smoke in here.

It's not tobacco.

I realize it's not tobacco, but it's not going to be good for her lungs.

She's already... I'm used to smoke around me.

Oh... She can recover.

She can b*at it.

It's only going to add...

Can you go outside?!

Whatever.

I'm gonna go have some beef.

Have some beef, but don't smoke in front of the woman.

(applause)

♪ We are Dr. Jinx... ♪

We are Dr. Jinx, and we'll be back in a minute.

All right.

All right, that's good stuff.

Good stuff, hey... everybody give it up one more time for Dr. Jinx, huh?

(cheering)

Dr. Jinx.

The man with a band named after himself.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we all know why we're here.

To celebrate the beautiful life of the beautiful Bonnie Kelly.

But I'd like to take a moment, if-if you'll indulge me.

I learned something very important today, and it just dawned on me.

I want to talk about faith.

Right on.

It's not about... whether something is true, or-or based in fact, or reality, or the laws of physics, or nature, or-or even basic common sense.

It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters.

Oh, folks, who the hell am I to say that there is no God?

Who am I?

Or to say that anybody's belief in the church doesn't make their life better?

Maybe it does.

Or that this man, Dr. Jinx... who am I to say that he can't cure diseases with his sorcery?

I don't know.

I say, maybe he can.

And I believe that maybe he can.

Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe... if we just believe... then we can do anything!

(cheering)

(whoops)

Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I feel it now!

Do you feel it?

Do you feel the spirit?

Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist?

Oh, it doesn't matter!

Dr. Jinx feels it, yeah!

Woo, I feel good!

Yeah!

We feel magnificent, yeah!

And we can cure cancer with plants.

(cheering)

Amen.

Mm, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Oh, oh-oh-oh.

Dennis, that was amazing, dude.

I am so proud of you.

You are feeling again.

No.

I meant none of it.

Let's go, Mom, come on.

Just read the speech.

I don't think I can do this.

You-you can do it.

You'll be great.

My... my mom has a speech!

"Thank you all for coming to our Beef and Beer and Jesus.

As you know, I'm as sick as a three-legged dog on the streets of India.

Any minute, my lungs are going to sizzle, pop, and disintegrate into a liquid lung and organ gumbo soup."

That was my line.

Nice.

Mm.

(whispering): Charlie, I can't do this.

Just get to the money part.

All right, just get the money part done.

"Give me money.

Money me.

Money now.

Me a money needing a lot now."

That was Charlie's line.

Yeah.

Eh.

Charlie, I-I can't do this.

Doing great.

Doing great.

I have a confession to make to all of you.

Don't do it, bitch!

I don't have cancer.

What?

(gasping)

(murmuring)

We're the ones that broke the Virgin Mary statue.

We accidentally hit it with our car.

Mm... We were trying to raise money to get it fixed.

That's just crazy.

You could've just told me the story about hitting the statue.

I mean, where did you come up with this idea?

Well, I learned everything by watching you.

Well, I... Oh... Aw, sh*t, I did do that, huh?

Yeah, you totally... you pulled that sh*t on us, too.

Well... You son of a bitch.

That's no excuse.

Yeah, well, at least you didn't try and grift a doctor, though.

No, no, I never actually said I was a doctor.

He is the g*dd*mn church gardener.

A gardener?

I guess that would explain this.

Oh!

Oh, Jesus... I was gonna talk to you about that.

I'm really sorry.

You had my back up against the wall, I had to spray you with a heavy dose of pesticide.

Put some aloe vera gel on there, a little bit of vitamin D... What?

He doesn't know that.

He doesn't know that.

Don't get a diagnosis from him now.

Why... how would you know that?

g*dd*mn it.

Dennis. Dennis!

Mom's alive.

She faked her own death to steal Frank's money, and we think it's buried in her grave.

That dirty whore.

Everybody get a g*dd*mn shovel!

This is such a perfect place for that bitch to hide my money.

Oh, Psychic John talked about this.

He said I was gonna come into a windfall of cash, and it's all in here.

Yeah, and then we can use some of that cash to pay for the statue that our moms broke, Charlie.

All right!

(coughing)

You guys ready?

cr*ck it open, Charlie.

(chanting): Charlie, Charlie...

(chanting): Show me the money, show me the money... (whooping)

Ah, sh*t!

(screaming)

No! No!

Mommy, Mommy!

Ah! I grifted ya!

What are you talking about?

I paid off the psychic.

I buried the money in the dog grave.

(crying): My mommy, my mommy's a skeleton!

I grifted your asses good because you said I was slipping.

I feel too much!

I feel too much!

(sobbing)

You made me dig up my dead mother because I said you were losing it?

Score one for the old people.

Ha ha!

Wait a minute.

What the hell happened to my shoes?