09x05 - Mac Day

[bunniefuu]

Mac: A reading from the Holy Bible.

Genesis, chapter one.

"God created the heaven and the earth, and the earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep..."

Dennis: Hey, buddy, do we have to be kneeling this entire time?

Dee: Yeah, this is not comfortable.

I mean, it's gonna get uncomfortable.

Yes, you need to be kneeling.

It's 11:58, and Mac Day's about to officially start.

I want there to be ceremony.

Frank: Are we gonna be in the dark the whole time?

My goodness, this is a lot of complaining.

Charlie, can you please remind everyone of the rules?

Charlie: We are about to officially begin Mac Day.

For the entirety of this day, we will forced to do everything Mac wants us to do.

And if anyone is caught complaining?

An extra day is added to Mac Day.

If you cannot resist the urge to complain, you are allowed one scream a day to the ceremonial screaming pillow.

That's right.

Charlie, when it was your day, did I complain about searching for goblins for ten hours straight?

Well, ghouls, and, no, they didn't complain, 'cause we found three. It was pretty sweet.

We found none.

Yeah?

We found no ghouls, we found no goblins, we found no gremlins, because they don't exist. Well...

Guys, this whole thing was meant to bring us closer together, and by the end of it, you're gonna feel a little bit closer to me, and if I've done my job right, a little bit closer to God. Yes.

Because I've modeled my day after the seven days of God's creation, making my one day feel like an entire week.

Oh!

Come on, man. Really?

Oh, come on, will you?

For crying out loud, my knees are...

(overlapping chatter)

Three, two, one, begin! On the first day, God said, "Let there be...

Mac."

Seven straight hours of lecturing?

Yeah, and five hours alone dedicated to the evils of h*m*... from him?

Did anyone else notice that he had an erection the entire time?

Of course.

How could you miss it?

I mean, it was, like, sh**ting...

It was right there.

Shh, shh, shh-- here he comes.

Okay, guys, I want to introduce a new theme to the day.

So I'd like to infuse the religious angle with the theme of badass.

And I quote once again from Genesis.

"And God said, 'Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.'

And God made the firmament and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament.

And it was so."

There you have it.

There we have what?

Uh, the what...?

What are you saying?

It's water.

I'm saying "water," 'cause it said water, like, eight times.

So, it's water.

That's what the whole thing is-- water.

Water what? Water and badass, badass and water. Ah.

Yes!

We're doing a Project Badass video over the Schuylkill River. Yes! Yes!

Ah! Yes!

Ah. All right! Hey!

Do you guys hear the motorcycle?

I have another special surprise. We will be joined by my cousin all day! Your cousin?

Yeah, my cousin from the country.

I haven't seen him in, like, forever, but, guys, trust me.

He's, like, the second biggest badass I know, so it's gonna be awesome. Country Mac coming to the big city. (Frank groans)

Country Mac! COUNTRY MAC: Hey, City Mac!

(laughter) (both make wind-whipping sounds)

(wind-whipping sounds continue)

Holy sh*t, there's two of them.

Okay, I think I like this framing.

I don't even know what it is you want us to do.

Well, I'm gonna jump from the Strawberry Mansion Bridge.

What?! Yes!

Holy sh*t! What do you mean, from it?

To the water? What?!

Yeah, I'm gonna jump from the top of the bridge to the water.

Okay, I need you to act like concerned citizens, but I need this to feel real, okay, guys? So, I need you to be neutral about the jumper prior to the jump, 'cause you don't know me.

You don't know this man. But I need you to react at the same time because I need to draw the jump in later to match your reaction. You lost me there.

What do you mean, "Draw the jump?"

You're not jumping? No, I'm not gonna jump.

Of course I wouldn't jump. I draw it in later because it's like a post effect. Well, what's badass about that? Your reaction is badass, you know? I want you to scream, "Badass!

You know, that dude is badass! I've never seen anything as badass as that." You know? Oh...

But don't say my name, 'cause you don't know this man.

That's why it feels real, you know?

Now, later, if you want to do, like, a Rudy-type situation where you carry me through the streets of Philadelphia, you know, that's cool. We won't.

I can put that in the schedule.

It's not a post effect? No, that's a practical fect, that would happen real, but only if it's organic, you know? This is a g*dd*mn mess, this whole thing's a g*dd*mn mess. I'm lost, I'm lost.

You guys lost? You're not gonna be badass, but you're gonna... And we're not gonna react?

This is all sounding a little bit like a complaint from you guys. Who's complaining?!

We don't know what's going on! We don't know you.

(chanting): Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

Badass! Badass! Badass! ALL: Badass! Badass!

All right, Country Mac, let's do...

Keep it going. Keep it going. All right.

Let's do this! Let's do this! Badass.

Badass. (Dennis screams)

It's pretty high, it's good. It's excellent, it's gonna be great. You better jump quick before somebody tries to stop you. Trust me, no one's gonna try and stop me. Jump, assh*le!

Yep. See, in the big city, nobody cares whether you live or die. Jump, you p*ssy!

All right, have a nice day. Okay, so, I'm gonna run to the end, book as fast as I can to the fence, climb up to the top, stop, climb back down to safety. That's it.

So, you're not gonna jump? I don't jump, okay?

Why does everybody think I jump? Nobody jumps.

Evel Knievel didn't jump. Johnny Knoxville doesn't jump.

Okay, this is big Hollywood stuff, okay? Just stand back.

I don't want you to get hurt. Let me handle it.

Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man standing on the bridge.

What?! Yes, he looks like...

Look at that. His name is Mac.

No, we don't know his name. We don't know it.

Oh. His name is Rudy, I believe, you guys. That's what it was-- Rudy.

We don't know what his name is, and that's okay, but we don't know each other. Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you. Oh, hi, hi, but it looks like he may commit su1c1de. Ah!

Oh! su1c1de is badass.

Right! No, no, no, no, Rudy's not trying to k*ll himself. We don't know his name.

He just likes to jump, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Mac is the one who's the badass, remember that. Badass.

No, we don't... Will you stop, stop, stop?

Everybody stop. Come on, guys. What are we doing?

I don't know what we're doing.

We got to get on the same page.

It's so unclear. He gave us, like...

Don't know what we're doing. Maybe just you talk.

Well, whatever it is, we got to get on the same page.

Otherwise, we're gonna have to do it over and over and over...

(water splashing) Did someone just go plop?

Looked like it. Someone just jumped.

Someone jumped. He jumped! That's it!

He jumped, guys! He jumped! The day's over, the day's over.

Country Mac is gone, he's dead. Let's get out of here.

Look! Look, look, look! What? What? Oh.

Whoa! Oh, holy sh*t! Oh, my God!

Oh, wow! Wow! Whoa!

Well, how'd that look? Oh, amazing! All right!

How did it look? How'd it look? Badass!

It looked badass, dude. I cannot believe you jumped.

Whoa! No, that's not really badass, guys. That's dangerous. Um, can we put him on our shoulders and parade him around like Rudy?

I'm feeling that now. I want to do that.

I'm feeling that now. Yeah, yeah...

(overlapping chatter) No, no, no, no, no, I don't think that's gonna work anymore. That's not gonna fit into our schedule, you know? I mean... I mean, it was your idea...

(overlapping chatter) No, we're very full.

We're very full now. This is not gonna play.

We're gonna move on to day four now.

Well, wait, wait, wait, wait. You skipped day three.

Uh, day three is when God created trees and grass and nature. You know, kind of a bullshit day, so we're gonna move on to day four where God created the stars.

If you look at the Orion constellation and then track across to the Big Dipper, you'll see a gaseous, cloud-like area.

(quietly): Okay, I'm gonna need you guys to go ahead and ignore everything that this clown is saying.

God created the stars 5,000 years ago.

Uh, who has the pillow? I need a pillow.

(can clicks open) I think I thought of a way that we can work day three into this experience.

No, we're on day four. And, besides, there's no trees or herbs in the planetarium. But there's herb.

Hmm? Who wants to smoke a "J"?

Oh, sh*t. You brought weed? No, no, no, we're not smoking weed, okay? It's still illegal in the state of Pennsylvania. Puff, puff, pass, b*tches.

Yeah. Yeah, come on, Mac, shut up.

I thought you were a badass. (sighs) There's nothing badass about breaking the law, Charlie.

(coughs) This is gonna make it way more fun, dude.

This isn't about fun. It's about fearing God, okay?

I'm trying to convert you guys. Oh, my God, is that what this is about? You're not gonna convert me in one day. I don't believe in God.

Well, you should. Because if you don't, God will make a flood or a famine, okay? He will destroy you with tornadoes and earthquakes and AIDS.

Where do you think AIDS came from?

Uh, hello, God's gift to the gays.

Oh... Oh, my God.

You're gonna ruin this high, dude.

Mac, I think you're a little confused there.

I mean, yeah, sure, bad things do happen.

But what about sunsets? Oh...

French kisses. Oh...

The smell of rain. Yeah.

That's why I believe in God. Yeah.

Not because of the things that he takes away from us but because of the things that he gives to us.

Oh... dude. sh*t, dude.

You just ripped a hole in my mind.

See, that's the God I l... I like that.

I'm choosing that one. Excuse me, who's talking back there? Shut up, science bitch.

(Charlie, Dennis, Dee laugh) Yeah. Yeah, shut up, science bitch! Aw, dude, dude, dude.

Come on, man. He just said it.

He just said it. He just did it.

(whirring) Oh. What the hell?

(machine bangs) Carbs-wise, this is gonna set me back, but I don't even give a sh*t.

(machine bangs) Yes.

Country Mac's awesome. Yes.

Yeah. This weed that he gave us is awesome. It's... Yes. Yeah.

All these years I've been feeling like I hate karate.

And, like, I hate Project Badass and, like... I hate God.

Yes. But, like... I realize... you know what I really hate... is Mac.

Yes. Like, he's made all those cool things suck.

Not only is he, like, rui... ning my life... but with all this God sh*t that he's into... he could be ruining my afterlife. Yes.

(Mac grunts) I thought that one was gonna... Let me try.

So...

Yeah, I get that.

Okay, I feel like we got a little bit off the rails back there, but I'm ready to get back on.

Dude, did you guys see the way Country Mac was riding his motorcycle?

Badass, dude!

No, it was reckless once again.

I thought it was awesome!

He was like Batman, just zipping through the cars.

He b*at us here by, like, an hour. Oh, I want to get a motorcycle, man.

Dude, we should all get motorcycles!

Okay, that's enough! Okay?

Enough about Country Mac.

It's still my day.

Yeah.

Thank you.

On the fifth day, God made fish, so we'll just skip right past that.

Yeah, we'll skip that.

You're skipping a lot of days, dude.

Well, you can't fit it all into one day.

That's preposterous.

You're the one who came up with the structure, so... that's preposterous.

All right, on the sixth day, God created the beasts of the earth and he made man in his own image.

And beholdeth... the image of God.

(techno music playing)

Oh, sh*t.

Okay, everybody grab some grease.

Why? Because we're gonna grease up these beefcakes.

No! No! Come on! No!

Easy, Frank.

Frank, you better take it easy!

Listen! These guys work off their beautiful glutes for our enjoyment, okay?

The least we can do is pay them back in tan and grease.

(sighs) Greasing dudes.

Yep.

That's why we're here today.

I ain't doing this!

About time you guys got here.

Hey, there you are.

Country Mac, man. Hey, bro.

Listen, dude, can you get us out of here?

Yeah, you got to get us out of here, man.

Get out of here?

I'm lovin' it.

I've been gettin' phone numbers left and right.

Oh, sweet, there's chicks here?

Chicks? No.

Dudes.

I'm into dudes.

Oh... you're gay.

Loud and proud, brother.

Loud and proud.

Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with that.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Honestly, it's, like, refreshing to hear.

You know what, happy hunting, bro, get after it.

Cool, cool, cool. I'll see you all in a little bit. Cool, yeah, yeah.

See, he doesn't want us to grease them, you know?

God, that's awesome.

Because he wants them.

It doe... Right.

He wants them for himself.

It's so much more comfortable when someone's gay and open about it.

And, like, I know we've never said this as a group, but...

Mac's gay.

Yeah, Mac's gay.

He's gay.

He's gay.

I mean... okay... smiles.

Hey! Hey!

What's with all the chitchat?

Legs and hammies are drying up by the second.

We got stoned and we're uncomfortable.

We're trying to deal with the whole thing.

You guys need to start greasing some dudes or I'm gonna freak out, all right?

I'm gonna freak out, and I'm gonna add another day!

No, no, no. We'll grease, we'll grease, we'll grease.

We're ready to grease.

Give me the grease.

We'll grease the dudes and...

Okay, that's what I like to hear.

But don't blow your wads on these guys, okay?

I mean... We still have the karate tournament.

We're gonna watch you fight?

Fight? No.

No, day seven is God's day of rest and judgment.

So I'm gonna sit back and watch and judge everybody else in the tournament.

Hey, Mac.

I'm drying up over here.

Sorry, Big Moe.

Sorry about that.

I'll be right there.

Get to work. Get to work.

Grease 'em up, come on.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Yeah.

All right, bud.

He's got the boner again.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, at least this time it makes sense, huh? Hmm.

All right, listen.

I got an idea.

♪

Ooh, I don't know about this.

This doesn't feel right.

No, this is good.

This is gonna be good for him.

I promise. This is the only way.

Oh! Hey.

I got you guys all notebooks and pens.

We're gonna start with the yellow belts 'cause it's an inferior class.

Actually, we've got a surprise for you, Mac.

Yeah. We signed you up.

You're competing.

Huh?

You're gonna go fight a guy.

A black belt actually.

You're in the tournament.

No, no, I-I don't think that's a good idea.

Mostly because I don't have the right gear, and I'm not...

You're wearing a gi.

You are wearing a gi. Yeah, that is the gear.

That's the only gear. I notice you're also wearing a black belt. Now, you are a black belt, correct? Um, not technicaly.

Um, only because I haven't subscribed to one... discipline.

But you are good enough to fight in a black belt tournament. 'Cause you're wearing a black belt. Of course.

sh*t, Mac, you can do it. Just go right for the guy's throat. I know I can do it.

That's not the... I feel like you're talking a lot throughout the day.

I know I can do it.

So if you can do it, then do it.

I'll sign up if Mac doesn't want to.

I'm gonna do it. I said I was... I was never not gonna do it. I'm excited.

Yeah. I-I'm really excited to see this, man.

You are gonna kick that guy's ass, whoever he is.

♪

(Mac making whizzing noises)

(exhaling)

(exhales)

This is cruel.

Oof.

I can't watch it, you know?

Trust me, this is for his own good. If he doesn't face this now, he never will.

Yeah, it's too bad, but he's got to get his ass kicked. Yep.

It's time for this to end. Hi.

Okay, now bow.

Not to me, Karate Kid, to him.

Oh.

Bow.

Bow.

Ready. Fight!

(audience chattering)

(performing kiai)

(screams) Block, point, Mac!

sh*t. Guys, did you see that?

I got a point! I got a point! (grunts)

Oh! Hell, no.

(indistinct shouting)

Oh! (grunting, shouting)

(woman screams) (Country Mac yelling)

(yelling)

That was badass!

He kicked the sh*t out of that guy!

Well, I got the actual point.

Who cares? You lost.

Country Mac won. Yeah, but it's about the art, okay? Oh, the art.

You got your ass kicked-- that's what happened.

I scored an actual point in an actual karate tournament and against an actual black belt.

Country Mac b*at the sh*t out of that guy with a beer and his T-shirt.

Yeah, and where is he always getting those beers, man?

That's the most badass thing I've ever seen.

Out of the blue, he gets a beer.

No, it's years of training finally paying off, and an uncontested black belt point is the most badass...

Oh, my God, we're never gonna hear the end of this.

Stop, stop!

Hold on a second, Mac.

No, no. Listen, you got your ass kicked today-- that's what happened, plain and simple.

So I want you to admit it.

Dennis, don't.

The day's almost over.

We only have a couple of hours.

No, n-n-n-no, Dee, we have a lifetime of this to look forward to, and I for one can't stand it.

You are not a badass, pal.

Admit it to us right now.

Get on your knees!

You are not a badass!

Oh, my God!

Hey, what's wrong with you, guy?

You got a problem?

You got the problem, assh*le.

Look out!

(Dee gasps)

sh*t.

You bring a Kn*fe to a fight, you better be ready to use it, you jabroni.

Just... don't come back here, you punks.

Aw, you made him look like a bitch!

Holy sh*t.

Nice... very nice.

Oh, you are badass, dude.

How'd you know he had a Kn*fe on him?

I gave him an ocular patdown.

Assessed the thr*at level.

Clocked a Kn*fe in his boot.

Huh! Holy sh*t.

(Charlie whoops and chuckles)

Guys, I may have had a little bit of an accident in my pants, so I think I got to change out of this gi.

He just gave that guy an ocular patdown, and it actually worked. It worked.

He made a lucky guess, and he put us all in danger.

You made a poopy in your pants!

Did anybody else do a poopoo in their pants?

No. Of course not.

This is our head of security! I don't need to listen to this, okay? I'm gonna change out of this gi and then we're gonna keep going with the day, okay?

I have a series of lectures that we're gonna get to.

Go get the poop out of your pants.

I can't wait for the lectures.

g*dd*mn, man. The guy is in complete denial about absolutely every aspect of his life.

And there is nothing we can do about it.

I say we switch him out. Huh?

Country Mac for Paddy's Mac. We send Mac to the country, bring Country Mac here. Yeah, to the bar.

That's not a bad idea. I mean, look, we'd be safer with an actual badass in the bar. We might actually become a little bit more badass ourselves.

We would become more like Country Mac, which'd be great.

We have a lot to learn from him.

We should all get motorcycles. And drink much more beer.

And smoke more weed, you guys.

And get in fights and do all those things.

Can we make this happen before he comes back out...?

Let's talk to him, let's talk to him.

Hey, um... hey, Country Mac, can we just talk to you for one quick second, buddy? Um, listen, we were just talking and, man, we sure would like for you to stay with us.

I mean, like-like, stay with us forever.

Will you be part of our g*ng? Yep.

Uh... just "yep"? Just, like... That's it?

You're not gonna give a speech or lecture us or anything like that? No bossiness?

No pontificating? It's not my style.

I just go with the flow. Let the wind blow through my hair. Yeah.

Oh. (starts engine)

Oh, wow. I love that guy.

Aw, look at him go. Where's he even going?

I mean, the fact that we don't know where he's going makes him all the more badass. Uh-oh. Whoops.

Whoopsie. He fell, huh?

Tipped over a little bit. Ooh.

He's probably okay, though, right?

Well, yeah, he just... popped over.

A little-little bump. He's fine. He's good, he's good, he's good, he's good. (bagpipes playing)

Country Mac lived a reckless life.

He wasn't the kind of guy that could score a point in a black belt karate contest. And it turns out, he was totally q*eer. Which, as we all know, is a sin.

And that, coupled with his radical religious beliefs, has most likely landed him in Hell, where he will burn for all eternity. So I will ask for a moment of silence, in which I will beg God's forgiveness for Country Mac's evil, h*m* ways, while simultaneously doing a series of karate moves that I know Country Mac would've enjoyed so much.

(exhaling) Well, guys, I think the real lesson here is that there's nothing badass about riding a motorcycle without a helmet. Right.

Plus, he was drunk all the time.

Yeah. You know what's badass?

Being alive. Yeah.

So, uh, what do we do about this guy?

(Mac exhaling) >> Namaste. Namaste.

Okay, we will now pile into the car, where we will go to the countryside to leave Country Mac's ashes in a place that he loved so well. Actually, we won't.

Because it's officially Frank Day, so...

(toilet flushing) All right, Pee Country Mac.