02x07 - Fooled Again (I Don't Like It)

[bunniefuu]

Luckily, I'm dating someone older than me.

I'm only 40.

From now on, you're 43.

We're all cool with that, right?

Ellie: yeah, sure.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

I'm not sure that's the way age works.

So, jules, what are we gonna do for your birthday?

Well, besides wine and cake, I got nothin'.

I have an idea. My cousin owns an awesome g*n range.

Well, technically, I guess it's his backyard, and he does live, Like, right next door to a day care center, but still--

I'm gonna put sh**ting children in the "maybe" pile.

Go.

Andy: mm.

(gasps)

(whispers) I'm scared.

I wanna know who finished the wine Without opening another bottle.

Andy, g*n to your head.

(high-pitched voice) was it you?

(sighs) fine.

I'll open another bottle.

How did you do that?

Truth g*ns.

They've been so great for our marriage.

If the g*n is pointed at you, you gotta come clean.

You want in?

Yeah. Grayson! Do you ever think of your ex-wife While you're having sex with me?

Thanks for this, ellie.

Carl jhung?

Sounds like the noise in my head when I hit that sweet 3-iron.

Jhung!

The book is actually a riveting treatise on the human condition.

You know what else is a riveting treatise on the human condition?

My butt.

(laughs)

Oh, man.

I'm so stuffed up.

You have to try my netpot.

You just pour it in your nose, and it clears you right up. (high-pitched voice) ah!

Oh, is this another one of those snooty college things, Like that picnic basket you take to the shower?

A lot of people use shower caddies.

Dad, neti pots aren't a college thing, okay?

They've been making people feel better for centuries.

You know what else Has been making people feel better for centuries?

Aw, damn. It's his butt.

(laughs)

Jules, I know what we should do for your birthday.

Let's go dirty dancing in the plaza.

They have a deejay and guess what else? These hips.

(imitating electronic b*at)

This, if you're wondering, is my imaginary mace spray.

(imitates spray)

Ow. Ow. It burns, it burns, it burns.

Come on!

It's--it's so much fun--

Andy, it's not happening.

b*at it.

I would've let him down nicely.

Please. You have no idea what it's like Being married to a supersensitive guy.

I like to call them "sensies."

(refrigerator door opens, bottles rattle)

Mm. I don't. Andy's great.

It's never okay to hurt him.

Wow, you--you got me fat-free yogurt?

Message received.

Just eat it, husky pants.

(chuckles)

I would be so much better At being married to andy than you.

Go for it.

Okay, a few birthday gift ground rules--

No gag gifts, no gift cards, and nothing that I'm supposed to love because it's charitable.

Laurie, I'm still pissed that you saved an elephant In my name.

Tuk-tuk? I love tuk-tuk!

Screw tuk-tuk. I don't want to hear about tuk-tuk Unless you got a necklace made out of his tusks.

(gasps)

And, trav, no more hug coupons.

I mean, yes, I'm gonna use this one. (chuckles) aw.

Mm!

Trav, you're 19.

Get in the game!

How about I let you cut my hair?

Maybe. As always, I will pick the gift winner.

The losers will be judged and mocked.

That's a lot of pressure for a new boyfriend.

You're 43. You'll be fine.

He's 43?

Yeah.

No.

I'm gonna be happy with whatever you get me.

You know, as long as it's perfect And shows how much you care about me.

(slaps leg)

(grunts)

(nasal voice) hey, hey, college.

I'm calling you "college" now, 'cause you go to college.

Yeah, I pieced that together.

(groans)

Just use the neti pot.

You just put in the saline...

Like so...

Pour it in one nostril, and watch the bad stuff flush out the other.

Are you sure I can do it?

I... Believe... In you.

Cheers. (grunts)

(siren wailing)

No matter what we do on my birthday, We're gonna have a great time, 'cause I'm gonna be With my friends--you, trav, grayson, laurie, and bobby.

You didn't say my name.

(laughs) yes, I did.

I said, "you, trav, grayson, laurie, andy, bobby."

You said, "grayson, laurie, and bobby."

What are you, man tape recorder?

Yep.

So when you think of friends, you don't think of me.

Come on. We're, like, the classic american duo.

You know, when people see us together, they're like, "there goes andy and jules--

Hot dog and stick."

(chuckles)

Oh, hot dog.

I'm hot dog!

g*n to your head.

If ellie and I weren't married, would we be friends?

(chuckles) oh, god. Andy--

(imitates g*n cocking)

(gasps) he cocked it.

I don't know. Maybe not.

But that's only because we wouldn't know each other.

It's good to know where I stand.

Ohh.

"andy's a great guy.

It's never okay to hurt him."

If you do that again, I'm gonna throw this fruit at you.

Boop. Rewind.

(imitates tape rewinding)

"andy's a great guy--"

Just don't!

Aah! (laughs)

Hey, hot dog.

How ya doin'?

That's really offensive to bald people.

Just tell him to slap out of it.

He's acting like the mopey dwarf.

No, there's no mopey dwarf.

Yes, there is.

Dopey, sleepy, sneezy, bashful, grumpy, happy, doc.

Boom! U're wrong.

Sorry, I take my disney characters seriously.

It's time to prove that we're friends. Let's go, andy.

Fine. I'll get my stuff.

No, no.

It's just andy and me.

What?

No.

Yes.

You can touch my head now if you want.

(chuckles) it's smooth...

(gasps) like a river rock.

(high-pitched voice) it tickles.

(laughs)

Ohh.

(grunts, spits)

So you poured this whole pitcher directly into your lungs?

I mean, at some point you must have known you were drowning.

Why didn't you stop?

Bobby cobb never quits.

Not even at k*lling himself?

Not even. That's a stupid college death pot.

Still not a college thing.

Whatever, man. That's the most dangerous thing on my boat.

Really?

I'm just gonna spin around and say the first thing I see.

Loaded flare g*n on a jar full of gasoline.

Well, that's for when the rats come.

Look, don't tell anybody about this, okay?

I promise.

Uh... Oh. (grunts)

(nasal voice) doctor said that's gonna happen For the next few months.

Every year, when I win the jules gift contest, I go out and buy myself a chunky ring.

I usually don't wear them all at once, but...

(high-pitched voice) what?

I don't have one yet, But I'm getting it this year.

Hey, if we team up, we can take her down.

I don't need your help, 'cause I got this one in the bag.

Jules showed me this lovely little blouse last month.

Mm. Perfect gift.

(high-pitched voice) bought it.

And you know she likes it, 'cause she picked it out herself.

Plus you didn't have to put any personal thought into it at all.

You know what you should have her do? Have her pay for it.

Then she can write herself a card telling herself How much you care about her.

Worst gift ever!

Dude.

♪ look at my rings, my rings, my rings ♪
♪ look at my rings, my rings, my rings... ♪

Let's team up and k*ll her.

♪ look at my rings, my rings, my rings ♪

She is the whitest woman I have ever seen.

♪ look at my rings, my rings, my rings ♪

I mean, I really can't stop.

(laughs)

We may have to buy you a hat.

(chuckles)

You know what's weird?

We don't really know each other that well.

You're from deland, florida.

Your blood type is b-positive.

It's also your life motto.

You hate waterfalls.

Your favorite color is black.

Your favorite smell is new baby, and once when you were 6, You got lost in a mall and spent the night in a pet store.

(chuckles)

Now do me.

Uh, you are a cubano.

(chuckles)

Sí. (chuckles) your full name is andrew.

Mnh-mnh.

No? Just andy?

All right. Honest mistake.

(chuckles) and... That's you!

Andrew andy torres.

(chuckles)

(mouths word) oh, god. Here comes barb.

I got this.

What?

Hi, barb.

I usually tk to jules.

I want to tell her all about My trip to london and all the time I spent Under big ben. (chuckles) yes. Not the clock, but an actual guy named ben?

What's happening here?

Oh, look. A high school track team hosing each other down.

Oh.

Andy torres, you are amazing!

Now you skip your ass back over here!

We're gonna get some champagne. Waiter!

(thud) ow!

What?

Ow.

Man down!

We need gift ideas.

How about...

A charm bracelet?

Jules hates charm bracelets.

Here's what I'm thinking.

She was saying that she wants to have more dinner parties--

Ooh! I can get her cooking lessons.

And I'll get her some new cookware And maybe an apron with two fried eggs on the chest And a strip of bacon on her...

(singsongy) whoa-oh!

We're done.

(normal voice) no, we're not done.

Ellie will find better gift.

She's the gift whisperer.

So what do we do?

Need to break out my new phone app.

It does dramatic music stings.

Oh! I got it.

Ask me again.

(lowered voice) what do we do to ellie?

(dramatic music plays)

Sabotage!

Thank you.

I can't believe I sprained my ankle skipping.

Wow, you're hairy.

I guess I can't bug ya About going dirty dancing anymore, huh?

You know, I remember this amazing party For my grandmother maria.

She was a policewoman.

They called her "the stabilizer."

Ooh.

She could clean up any mess.

Well, at this party, she went crazy on the dance floor.

It was, like, the first time I saw her joy for life.

It just moved me.

We're going dancing for my birthday.

Of course you are.

You went out with andy, and now he's getting what he wanted.

What are you saying, he played me?

You know why andy gets so much sex?

He gets a lot of sex?

He goads me until I say something mean.

He pretends he's hurt.

I let him hit this.

And presto! He's okay.

It's a miracle.

Jules, he's an evil genius.

He's keyser soze.

No, he's not.

He is.

No, he's not! God!

Who's keyser soze?

(mouths word)

(sighs)

You know what ellie's trick is?

She watches jules like a hawk And picks up on tiny hints around her house To pk the perfect gift.

We need to use that against her, Maybe plant some tiny thing To send her down the wrong path.

(gasps) oh!

Like a key chain. Oh, yes.

Oh, they can say a lot about a person.

This is stupid.

Ellie can't be that good at presents. Hey, what's that?

Oh, it's a small gift.

I remember that you bought The collector's edition of "apollo 13,"

And then I heard you tell andy How much your father would've liked it if he were alive, and then I thought, Maybe your dad loved the idea of being an astronaut Becaushe'd wished he had a more adventurous life.

I thought that rocket ship would remind you of him.

Open it up.

It's a picture of me in his lap.

Turns out, His real adventure was raising you.

Go ahead.

Say what you're feeling.

(voice breaks) I love it.

(mouths words)

(whispers) gift whisperer.

Too much water!

Too much water!

(bottle clatters)

Whoa whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, you're dreaming.

What, you think this is funny?

I do. Kevin laughed his ass off when I told him.

I asked you not to tell anyone!

Do you think I tell my friends that you use mom's makeup To cover your forehead zits?

Off my boat, covergirl!

Dad.

(grunts)

(groans)

Oh. I love "the usuuspects"!

You told me before it started That kevin spacey was keyser soze...

Mm-hmm.

And I was still surprised.

Wait. Was he keyser soze?

Yes!

All right, so the crippled guy was his evil twin?

No! Same guy.

Well, let's just agree to disagree.

(whispers) all right.

Do you really think andy is that manipulative?

I mean, this can't all be about dancing.

Come with me.

Just doing a little couch samba.

Mm.

(makes slapping sound)

I'm sorry, ellie.

I know you want me to believe that andy is kiefer doozy--

Keyser soze.

I'm not buying it.

It's andy, okay?

He is my hot dog... Or my stick.

I don't remember which one.

When you guys were out, who brought up dancing again?

He did.

Mm-hmm.

He's got a sprained ankle.

Did you actually see him fall?

Ow.

No, but...

(chuckles)

Ellie, his ankle is so swollen.

Oh, my god. They're always that big, aren't they?

Like a snake that swallowed a volleyball.

But you should've heard him.

I mean, he poured his heart out.

You know, I remember this amazing party For my grandmother... Maria.

She was a policewoman.

Called her...

"the stabilizer,"

Because she could...

Clean up any mess.

Is his grandmother's name even maria?

I don't know his relatives' names.

Jules, you have to crush him.

When he knows you're on to him, He's just gonna shrug his shoulders And say, "eh, you got me."

I'm doing this.

Mm-hmm.

(gasps) did you see that?

She totally took the bait.

(door closes)

I know how her brain works.

(laughs) she's gonna think that jules is into asian art.

Jules hates asian art.

She just doesn't tell people,

Because she thinks it makes her r*cist. (laughs)

Dad, I came to apologize.

You ever look death in the eye, trav?

Well, now that that jar of gasoline Has a flaming can of sterno next to it, I'd have to say yes.

I'm making beans, but your college-y neti pot's mockin' me.

Dad, let me list some actual college things, Like indie bands, Freshman 15, Dabbling in lesbianism-- that's for girls--

Encouraging girls to dabble in lesbianism--

That's for guys--

Ramen noodles, keggers, Having a black roommate that makes you self-conscious About singing all your favorite rap songs.

But neti pots-- it's not a college thing.

That pot has become a symbol.

Yeah, you're off learning all kinds of new stuff, and I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up.

I don't want to lose our connection, trav.

Stupid, isn't it?

Yeah. But to hell with it.

Let's conquer the neti pot!

That'sight!

You think I can?

We can.

I'm gonna dial "9" and "1" so I only have to push one button.

(exhales deeply)

What's up?

Andy, I don't think your feelings are really hurt.

So we wouldn't be friends if it weren't for ellie.

I mean, who cares?

And you know what el?

Your ankle's not sprained, and we're not going dancing.

What do you think of that?

So you think I'm a horrible person?

No, no, no, no.

No, you're supposed to say, "eh, you got me."

All right. g*n to your head.

Are you lying?

If you're gonna sh**t me, sh**t me, But let me ask you one thing.

(gasps)

Who made you doubt me?

It was ellie.

Ellie said that you pretend to get your feelings hurt.

Then she gives you what you want, like sex or dancing, and then suddenly your feelings aren't hurt anymore.

Yeah, with ellie sometimes I do pretend it doesn't hurt anymore, Even though it does.

It's called making a marriage work.

But I would never play that game with my friend.

So did I lie to you?

No.

(enrique iglesias' "hero" playing)

♪ I can be your hero, baby ♪
♪ I can kiss away the pain ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
♪ and I can be ♪
♪ your hero ♪
♪ I can kiss away the pain ♪
♪ you can take my breath away ♪
♪ I can be ♪
♪ your hero ♪

I can't smell anymore.

Is that normal?

Yeah.

Okay. Gift time.

Ellie, yours better be good, because I am mad at you.

Everyone, please stand.

Oh, yay.

Oh! Me first.

Happy birthday, mom.

Travis, another hug coupon?

But this one's good for public use.

You know how mh I hate that.

Well done. (chuckles) you may be seated.

(clapping)

And, bobby, flowers are a little obvious, But it is a huge step up from the tub of gumballs you got me

For our tenth anniversary.

You may sit.

Did she just tell me to sit down?

'cause I can't hear a thing Besides water sloshing back and forth.

And now for the main event.

Oh.

(bob and travis, singsongy) ooh!

It's an antique chinese gong.

Ah.

Tell me how much you love it.

I'm not sure I can put it into words.

(gong bongs)

It sucks!

You stay standing.

(laughs) she gonged your gong.

And, grayson... (grunts) and... Cooking classes?

Yeah, we can take 'em together.

I know how much you want to stay in, and you know, we could-- ()

Next!

Laurie, we're screwed.

(gasps) cookware?

Look inside the box.

(box thuds)

A charm bracelet?

(both, singsongy) ooh.

I love you so much, jules.

Laurie, you've won.

Whoo! (laughs)

We were a team.

No, we weren't. Hey, ellie.

Check out my new chunky ri.

♪ look at my ring, my ring, my ring ♪
♪ oh, look at my ring, my ring, my ring ♪

(laughs) great, and andy's a no-show.

Ellie, this is your fault.

You always assume the worst in people.

You probably think that guy over there Is a serial k*ller.

All right, that's a bad example.

He definitely s a lady in his basement, but--

Andy's just holding out to make sure we all came.

He's the devil.

(whispers) Ow.

Ellie: And the greatest trick The devil ever pulled Was convincing the world he didn't exist.

(sunshine anderson) ♪ heard it all before, all of your lies ♪

I forgive ya. Wanna dance?

♪ baby this, baby that ♪
♪ but your lies ain't workin' now ♪

And poof!

He was gone.

There was a g*n to your head, dude.

(chuckles) eh, I wanted to dance.

Well, least I got to know you a little better.

Mm. It's horrifying.

(chuckles) yeah.

Uh, you know, I can only pull this off Because you care so much about our friendship.

Thanks for that.

I love you, you weirdo.

You're my hot dog.

(chuckles)

All right. Enough talking.

Let's dance.

Wait a minute.

This isn't high school.

We can get dirty.

Oh.

♪ say what you want, mm-hmm ♪
♪ say what you want ♪
♪ but your lies ain't workin' now ♪
♪ lies ain't workin' ♪
♪ look who's hurtin' now ♪
♪ look who's hurtin' ♪
♪ see, I had to shut you down ♪
♪ down, down, down, down ♪
♪ I had to shut you down ♪

Hey, heads up, tiny eyes.

Once you go andy, all the rest are bland-y.

(laughs)

♪ you ain't welcome no more ♪
♪ you ain't welcome no more ♪
♪ but your lies ain't workin' now ♪
♪ lies ♪
♪ look who's hurtin' now ♪
♪ look who's hurtin' now, now, now, now ♪
♪ see, I had to shut you down, I had to shut you down ♪
♪ see, I heard it all before ♪

Did you have fun dancing with jules?

Yeah, I did.

Did you enjoy

Having her breasts pressed against you?!

Mm. Told me he loved it.

(chuckles)

Liar!

Tell her I didn't say that.

Only if somebody tells me it.

Who put the vanity plates on my car that say "tiny eyes," huh?

Hey, guys.

(ellie, andy, and grayson) Aah!

What are we doing? Somebody tell me what we're doing.

(pants)

Guys, stop it.

It's enough.

Ellie's still packin'!

Aah!

Aah! (imitat g*nshots)

Aah! (grunts)

(thud)

Aah!

(strained voice) why, god?

(thud)

(travis, strained voice) I love space.