02x10 - The Same Old You

[bunniefuu]

It's Friday, working stiffs!

Everybody!

All: four, three, two, one.

Happy weekend!

(clink)

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

It's 3:45.

How many hours did you people even work today?

I put in a hard four.

All right, I didn't go in.

Hey, guys, how come we never talk about work?

To get ahead, get a home.

To get ahead, get a home.

Yeah, a beer. That's a beer.

To get ahead, get a home.

There you go. There's a beer right there.

Great sh*t. (speaks indistinctly) beer. Yes, beer.

To get ahead...

Focus.

This is wrong. This is wrong.

Who wanted a beer? Oh, you guys.

No, wait. I was wrong. This is right. To get ahead...

Oh, that's right.

Your jobs are lame.

Strong words from someone who spent their 20s As a tequila-sh*t girl in a dive bar.

Big sombrero, push-up bra, Two sh*t glasses in little holsters. (imitates g*nshots)

That's how she got dates-- she'd give free sh*ts To any guy who had a fast car and a gold watch.

My wife was...

(high-pitched voe) ♪ easy ♪

(normal voice) uh, gold.

Laugh!

I saw myself laugh in the mirror last night, and I thought it looked a little horsey, So now I'm gonna say it instead of do it.

Seems natural. Tell me more about sh*t slut.

Oh, you don't get to play. I've known these idiots for years.

They know my dirt, but I also know theirs.

Did you know that in high school, The boys called jules "slug tongue"

Because of how she kissed?

Blah!

I didn't have a sister.

No one taught me.

Laugh!

Still horsey.

It's not fair. Don't know anything about your past.

And you never will. Hmm.

Adios.

(types on keyboard)

"grayson ellis."

And search.

Oh!

It's so nice to be here with you this weekend And not at your mom's with the purple tooth crew. Hmm?

They just drink a lot of wine.

You're awesome. Mwah.

Don't worry, kev. You'll find your chocolate kirsten someday. (mouths words)

Those are his words, not mine.

He even wrote a song about it.

♪ oh, my chocolate ♪
♪ kirsten ♪
♪ ooh ♪
♪ ah ♪

You know what's really fixed my game?

Yoga.

I just don't get angry anymore.

Whore! Whoa! Throttle it back, roger.

You just need to open up your hips.

See that clown Who thinks it's okay to litter?

(thud)

Whoo! I meant to do that!

'cause there's a trash can right over...

(thud)

There!

That was amazing!

Hey, you know, there's this p.G.A. Tournament next month, and one of the qualifying events is up in sarasota.

Why don't you give it a sh*t?

Mm.

You should give it a sh*t.

You're the best golfer I have ever known.

Bobby batman cobb, we believe in you.

What? Oh, one of our special things is to pretend That his middle name is "batman" and mine is "robin,"

And together we go out-- okay, don't care. Look, bobby, andy is right.

Oh, really? Are you both sulking? Okay, fine.

Look, batman, robin's right.

Yay!

Okay, cute.

I can't do big tournaments anymore. It's too much pressure.

Okay, fine.

Here's your mail.

You still can't get mail here? Nope.

I even made my own mailbox, too.

Mailman says it's still not a legal residence, though.

I hate laws.

Hey! Screw you, gary!

Keep it moving, gary!

Oh, nice shorts, pal!

We are so glad you guys are here for a change.

Yeah, andy seems thrilled.

It's 9:15. I should've been asleep an hour ago.

Grayson, I did a little bit of research.

Jules, did you know that as a kid, He spent time on the pageant circuit?

I did not.

And I'm up.

Oh, we don't have to do this.

We do.

Ladies and gentlemen, 1980's little miss miami.

(shoes click)

♪

(clicks button)

It was little mr. Miami, okay?

And it was actually pretty cool.

I- I-I broke down the gender barrier.

Which gender?

Welcome to your past, beeyotch!

I've never been to a sorority party with a date before.

It's kinda cool how all these girls are suddenly into me.

Just cool for me, huh?

Yeah. Is that laurie?

I overheard kyle-- that douche-y sigma chi Who's always wring the jester hat--

Say that he hooked up with missy here, Even though he dates a kappa.

Missy, did you?

(mouths word)

Wow. She totally did.

Women: laugh!

But, sisters, This is a real teaching moment.

The only way to not be labeled a tramp Is to not sleep with guys who talk so much.

Laug No, debra, I'm dead serious.

Laurie?

Trav! Hey!

Zeta!

Women: zeta!

(mouths words)

Why do you even care if bobby enters a stupid golf tournament?

Do you ever wonder why I married bobby in the first place?

No.

Every day.

When I met him, he was an all-american golfer, The most confident man I'd ever met in my life.

And now he's lost that confidence. I-I-I miss that guy.

Bobby was really a stud?

Okay, close your eyes.

Come on. Do it.

Imagine bobby with the most beautiful golden hair.

Ooh! (chuckle)

(door opens)

Really?

Shh.

(door closes) he was ripped like a greek god.

My microwave's broken.

I ate a whole tub of uncooked biscuit dough, and I think it's rising in my stomach.

(groans)

Eyes back closed.

♪

This is a golf tournament.

Where are all the fans?

This place should be roaring with polite golf claps. No one shows up for qualifiers.

Robert cobb to the tee.

Quick confidence dance?

Sure thing, batman.

Kaboom!

Pow!

Boing!

Ooh, how you doing, sir?

Kaboom!

Last week, you said you wouldn't play in this.

What changed your mind?

Okay, we're gonna figure out how to get bobby's confidence back.

That's why I gathered the drink t*nk think t*nk.

I want red. No, no, no.

White wine has less alcohol.

Ooh, thinking wine.

What is keeping bobby down?

Maybe he's down Because his retirement plan is to die "early."

Plus, on his boat, he has to keep his cholesterol medicine In a lockbox so the rats can't get it.

My turn again-- his garbage disposal is a dog.

He eats cereal out of a turtle shell.

His bottle opener is a dog. Okay, stop. He's not fred flintstone.

He really hates that he can't get his mail on the boat. That's it.

To get ahead, get a home.

Worst slogan ever.

It's not. Bobby doesn't have a real home, So let's turn his boat into one.

We can add some homey touches like curtains And, you know, a toilet.

We could take it out of the parking lot And into a slip in the marina, and he gets a new life. She's right.

Watch this. I'll be bobby.

(imitating bobby) hey, baby.

Wanna come back to my boat in an abandoned parking lot? (makes slapping sound)

(normal voice) exactly.

But watch this...

(imitating bobby) wanna come back to my boat in the marina? Yeah.

Boom! Life change.

Couldn't we just get him a sparkly sleeveless vest So he could tap dance all his problems away?

(laughs)

(imitates tap shoes clicking)

"do you love me now, mommy?"

"I'm going faster.

I'm going harder.

I'm trying so hard!

I'm trying so hard!"

Search.

(clicks key)

Why pretend to be in a sorority?

Well, back when I was 20, I used to fake it all the time And sometimes I just wanna wear pearls without being judged. We've all been there.

This time, I was just gonna sneak in And steal a box of hair scrunchies, But those girls love me, and my self-esteem could use a pick-me-up, So I told them I was a transfer from florida state.

It's like some kind of drug for me.

They take my advice. They let me pick out their clothes.

Ugh! Karen is such a cold, ugly bitch.

She's a total ellie.

They let me make up new words for things.

Plus, I give back.

A couple of days ago, Sarah myers was talking about committing su1c1de, So I called her parents, and they bought her a new convertible.

Problem solved. Proud laugh.

Is that one of your self-esteem things, Being self-conscious about the way you laugh?

I love the way you laugh.

It's like a happy tugboat.

(imitates laurie's laugh)

Whatever!

You laugh like a cartoon woodpecker.

(imitates travis' laugh)

(sighs) you said you'd be here an hour ago.

We had to go buy our fake ratty boat-fixing outfits.

We're sloppy, but adorable.

That's right.

Look, guys, we don't have a lot of time.

Let's get to work. What if bobby comes back?

He won't.

Travis has a great plan.

Are you guys really daring me To eat this whole tub of cheesy popcorn?

We are, dad. We all are.

Big mistake, my friends.

Huge.

(lid pops)

All right, g*ng, let's turn this dirty old boat into a home.

(katrina & the waves) ♪ ow! ♪

♪
♪ mm, yeah ♪
♪ I used to think maybe you loved me ♪
♪ now, baby, I'm sure ♪
♪ and I just can't wait to ♪

(music stops)

Stop trying to make this into an '80s movie montage.

Ju trying to make it fun.

Wh-what?

Fun? If you want a montage, it's gonna be a sweaty, angry one.

♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ I'm walking on sunshine ♪
♪ whoa ♪
♪ and don't it feel good?

Hey! ♪
♪ all right now ♪

(laughs)

(laughs)

♪ and don't it feel good? ♪

Right. Good. Oh, that's nice.

♪ and don't it feel good? ♪

Wish we hadn't had done that.

I'll get some rags.

Bye, grayson. Pageant wave.

I was waiting for that.

I spent hours researching you...

(chuckles)

And I was able to track down a few new things from your past. (folder thuds)

Sha-doosh.

If it happened, it's in here.

How do I know that...

This is real?

Girlfriend wants a taste.

Well, let's see what happens when I randomly pull Something from the middle!

Oh, look, a teenage ellie, Looking off to the side really cool, With... (high-pitched voice) huge eyebrows.

(laughs)

I win.

Where's my dollar?

Definition of a hollow victory.

Man, I love cheesy popcorn.

Hey, bobby, you're doing great.

You're in the top six--

Whoa, andy, never tell me how I'm doing, man.

That unravels my game.

Can I say... "nice sh*t"?

You can say "sh*t."

sh*t!

Trav, if you and girlfriend want, Zeta's having a cocktail party tonight To raise money if for megan's rhinoplasty.

We might pass, partly because I like megan's nose, But also because I think sororities are...

Elitist.

Do you know how offensive that is to a sorority girl?

I do, but fortunately, you're not a sorority girl.

Babe, it's just a cocktail party. We should go.

Ah!

Why don't you go, travis?

(imitates laurie) have such a blast With all of your new b.F.F.S!

Laugh!

She would make such a great zeta.

I think she's just mad because she thought we were gonna have A weekend where we didn't hang out with all you guys. (grunts) that's not it.

Whoa, head rush. You guys disappeared for a second.

So what's she mad about?

Oh, come on, guys, you know.

(whistles) she's jealous.

Catch you later.

What?!

's...

(laughs) that is so weird!

(tires screech, engine stops)

All: surprise!

No way! Get out!

Get back in!

She looks amazing!

Jealous much?

Mwah! Finally a "yes"!

Ah, damn cheese dust.

You should see the inside.

There's a toilet.

I put a door on your microwave.

To protect your junk.

To get ahead, get a home.

(laughs) worst slogan ever, baby.

Yeah, it's horrible.

It blows.

Grayson: it's really bad.

It's so not!

Now all we gotta do is get this boat over to the marina And put it into its new slip.

So was jules behind all this?

Well...

Yes!

(laughs)

I should've let you guys answer that.

Wow. Thanks, jules.

Thanks, everybody.

Seriously, this, uh, This means the world to me.

Buddy, you are kicking ass!

Andy, I told you not to tell me how I'm doing. Oh, what's gonna happen?

(thud)

That! That's gonna happen.

I'm gonna keep saying "that" until you regain consciousness.

That!

That!

That?

That.

What happened? Are we-- we still on the 12th hole?

No, the 18th.

You've been walking around, Mumbling for the last six holes.

Pull it together, bud.

I'm dying out here.

Stupid jules.

You're awesome, jules.

Now when can we put her in the drink and get her butt wet?

Oh, when are we gonna put the boat in the water?

(chuckles) well, I want everyone to be here.

Oh, j-bird, how am I ever gonna repay you?

It's easy.

Enter that tournament.

I want you to be that confident 19-year-old stud again So everyone can see him.

You know, that guy always used to walk up to me, and he would say, "I am one lucky duck."

Remember?

Please. For me?

For you, Yeah.

My dad is crazy!

Like anyone would think of us as more than friends.

Look, I mean, sure, You know, I'm a little flirty with you, But come on.

I flirt with everyone.

I know.

(laughs)

What? Can you imagine how your mom would react if we dated?

It would be like dropping a b*mb on a forest fire.

That actually might put out the fire because the b*mb Uses up the oxygen, and fire needs oxygen. Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Nerd alert.

Sorry.

That's cute coming from you.

And this is crazy.

You're older, and...

I mean, kirsten's older, but you're, like, older older.

Take it easy. You light to fight. My cuts don't clot.

This'll just never happen.

(footsteps approach)

Don't you think?

Travis, I am sorry.

I just-- oh. You're here.

I should go.

No. You know what? Travis and I were just talking, and you're right.

I don't go to college here, and if you really feel like I'm crowding you two, then fine.

I'll just do what you say And flip outta here like a flapjack. (scoffs)

Yeah, that's what I said.

You didn't have to do that, but thank you.

No problem.

Hey, caterpillar brows.

Can you give me a ride to the marina?

Not just yet. I, too, did a little more digging.

What was your word?

Shadouche-y.

Bring it.

Oh, what do we have here?

A high school yearbook.

Hobbies-- acne.

(book thuds)

Oh, what's this?

"hot florida bartenders calendar."

Oh, can we count the banana hammocks? One, two.

Okay, I will see that, and I will raise you A "real world" audition tape.

"what up, mtv? I'm ellie. Peace!"

(tape rattles)

And... (laughs)

A 10-year-old power forward whose massive headgear Drove all her teammates... (high-pitched voice) crazy!

(laughs)

You know what? We should stop before one of us gets...

(grayson crying) a tearful voice mail to the girl that took your virginity.

Pick up!

(tape stops)

So what now?

This is horrible.

This is what friendship means to me--

Having so much crap on someone that they can't ever reveal The crap they have on you.

I feel closer to you than ever.

You're a scary woman.

I try.

I think we all know what we're feeling in our hearts right now.

Come on, guys. Say it together.

Smells like fish o here.

(speaks indistinctly) really good right now. Come on. The worst slogan ever?

All: to get ahead, get a home.

Wow, that does suck. Hmm.

I always thought it was a pun.

But to be honest with you, I don't even get what puns are.

Okay, what was I saying?

No one can tell, sweetie.

The boat.

Bobby cobb, when that boat hits the water, There is nothing that can hold you back anymore, Because anything is possible, Even placing in the top six in our local golf tournament.

Ruben! To a new life!

(whirs)

(cheering)

(onerepublic's "good life" playing)

(water gurgling)

Andy: yay!

Ah! Oh...

(wood creaking)

Andy: it's, uh...

All: ohh!

Grayson: oh, wait.

(jules and laurie) ohh!

That's-- that's...

Ruben?

Rube?

♪

Oh, boy.

(gurgling)

♪ woke up in london yesterday ♪

Ugh!

I hate moments of truth.

I like the other moments-- happy moments.

You know, christmas ones.

How far are we away from christmas?

Focus. Sink this, and you'll qualify.

You miss it, you're out.

You got this.

Remember, you're bobby cobb.

That's what I'm worried about.

I got his coffeepot!

I got muddy doll with no eyes.

Is that his?

Uh, put it in the "maybe" pile.

♪ a good life, good life ♪
♪ I say, oh, got this feeling that you can't fight ♪

I feel like I owe you a "sorry."

You sank my home.

♪ a good, good life ♪
♪ oh ♪

Are you laughin'?

Mnh-mnh.

(both laughing)

Yes, bobby, I sank your home.

You sure did.

♪ they don't know where I've been ♪

See, this is why I know you're gonna be okay.

A few years ago, you would not be laughing.

This would crush you, and you would spiral for months.

(laughs) I still might.

No, because you're not that guy anymore.

I mean, look at yourself.

You've got a good job.

You're a great dad.

I mean, the old bobby used to hang out with guys Named "bitchslap."

(chuckles)

Now look at your friends.

And they love you.

I mean, ellie's not trying To grab any of your stuff, but she's supervising.

Jelly bean, I see something over there.

Use your hook.

(whispers) wow.

(laughs) that's huge for her.

♪ oh, oh ♪

You still have all of that confidence.

♪ good life ♪

You just haven't let it out in a while.

♪ oh, oh, ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ when you're happy like a fool ♪
♪ let it take you over ♪
♪ when you're happy ♪
♪ when everything is out ♪
♪ you gotta take it in ♪

Ohh!

Yes!

(all cheering and laughing)

♪ this has gotta be the good life ♪
♪ this could really be a good life ♪

Ohh.

Well?

I'm a lucky duck, baby.

(chuckles) thank you.

Aw. Oh, I'm so proud of you. (chuckles) thank you.

I am so proud.

Thank you. Thank you.

(grayson shouts indistinctly)

Yeah, baby! Whoo!

Whoo! Aw.

(laughs)

Thank you for fixing things with kirsten.

Oh, trav, I d*ed for you.

The phrase is actually "I'd die for you."

No, no.

I literally d*ed for you.

The zetas think I drowned scuba diving off key largo.

That's actually my candlelight vigil.

(women crying)

Are you tearing up?

(voice breaking) it's sad.

I was a really great girl.

(normal voice) I can't believe missy's not crying.

You were always a bitch, missy!

(gasps) oh!