02x15 - Walls

[bunniefuu]

[Scoffs] Are you two dummies out in the yard again playing human Whac-A-Mole?

[Squawking]

[Bobby and Andy laughing]

Uh, I'm digging up that old time capsule we buried for Trav when he was a baby.

Aw...

Lame.

I preserved his past, Ellie.

It is a mother's greatest gift.

So, when do I get to open it?

On your eighteenth birthday.

I know you're 19, but I forgot about the stupid thing until a couple of seconds ago.

Oh, yeah.

That capsule is full of stuff that we wanted you to have.

It's got old photos, your Teddy Ruxpin bear...

[forced chuckle]

...my grandmother's engagement ring.

38 Special cassettes.

I'm assuming those are from you?

You need to carry on their message, bud.

Whoo!

I'll devote my life to it.

Look, I just need to borrow my lucky visor out of there.

With my golf tourney coming up, I need some cash for expenses.

Now, how can I get money, if I'm not lucky?

Wild pitch, hard work?

Hard work. [scoffs]

When are you gonna start looking?

I've been looking all morning, baby.

Dude!

I remember it was by a hedge.

Hedge.

[Mocking grunt]

[Both] Aw!

I know that "aww."

Look how cute you are.

I mean, you two should be on the cover of this menu. Not Mamma Giata.

This is the most ridiculous Italian stereotype.

Hi, Mamma Giata.

Why is she stirring the sauce outside?

We're actually here celebrating.

Kirsten still has a couple of months of grad school, but she got a really great job offer.

Nice.

Whatever.

My girl's got the full package.

Trav, stop. You're embarrassing me.

[Chuckles]

He can't stop, he was cooked in her baby oven.

He was.

[Kirsten] Then, to save myself, I'm gonna pretend to go to the bathroom now.

I really like this girl.

I mean, sure, yeah, sometimes she can be a little r*cist.

Mom, people from Taiwan really are called Taiwanese.

Agree to disagree.

You always say that when you're wrong.

[Both] Agree to disagree.

Don't.

I'm just bummed. [sighs]

The job's in Chicago.

I mean, I wish there was a way to make her stay. But... it sucks.

Oh, sweetie.

Hot damn, this is good bread.

Oh, we're being sad?

OK, we have to figure out a way to get Kirsten not to take this job so Travis can stay in love.

[Gasps] Oh!

Oh, God.

We could give her a puppy that would blow up if she took it across town lines.

It's from my new screenplay, The Blow-Up Pup.

It's a prequel to Speed.

It's not.

Or you could let Trav handle this on his own.

Jellybean!

You just simultaneously uttered the dumbest and the smartest things you've ever said.

That's how I do.

You may not have water for a few hours.

Super.

What's going on here?

I am finally telling Jules that she's too meddlesome in Travis' life.

[Whistling]

No, no, no, you're staying.

Because, Jules, when it comes to Travis, Bobby's the better parent.

[Gasping]

Yeah, baby. It's been said!

I'll k*ll you.

Bobby realizes that Travis is an adult now and lets him find his own way.

Bobby Cobb's number one rule of parenting: Do not get involved.

Name one thing that I have done to Travis that is "meddlesome."

Watch him sleep.

You scare his girlfriend away.

You wanna live in his blood.

What am I'm supposed to do?

Just let bad things happen to Travis?

Ellie, do you mind if I take this?

Sure.

Yes.

[Chuckles]

Can I see that shovel for a second?

How dumb do I look?

Just one second.

[Chuckles]

Let me see the shovel.

Excuse me, could you hand me a napkin?

Ooh... Thanks, I'm flattered, but, I'm married. Tough luck, babe.

Can you believe her?

Hold on, I just have to take a knee for a second.

You really think she was hitting on you?

Ladies dig married guys.

We're forbidden fruit.

Observe.

Oh, Laurie.

Yeah.

What if I was to tell you I had an apple in my pocket from lunch?

So what? Who cares?

What if I was to tell you this apple was so special you couldn't even look at it?

What's so special about it?

I want to see the apple. Gimme.

Forbidden fruit.

Oh, I don't like this at all.

There you guys are. I'm taking a dig break. Who's up for some...

[together] Penny Can!

That was almost an in-and-out, bud.

Hey, what's the new rule on that one?

You'll find out when it happens.

This game is dumb, but it is so addictive.

[Gasps] That's it!

Forget about your lucky visor.

We can make money selling Bobby Cobb Official Penny Cans.

Yeah, because nobody can find empty paint cans.

This could work.

[Dinging]

[Groaning] I already earned 600 bucks by borrowing it from Andy and Jules, we just need a little bit more seed money. Grayson, you in?

Hm. Let me crunch numbers.

Six, carry the one...

[muttering indistinctly]

...and, no.

It's the worst idea Laurie's ever had.

And that includes the "gayke" shop.

Find me a gay dude who doesn't love cake.

Sorry, Bobby. I'm out.

Ah. That really kicks ass.

No. When something "kicks ass," it's a good thing.

How? Every time I've had my ass kicked it's been horrible.

We've been misusing that phrase for years. So, all agreed to change it?

Absolutely.

No.

You can't just change common phrases, OK. Words have meaning.

Slap out of it and play.

Hm.

I'll remember that.

OK.

Ooh! In-and-out.

[Together] 'Stache att*ck!

What?

Hold still. Rules are rules.

I'm gonna go find that time capsule.

Borrowed a metal detector from Tom.

[Mimics detector whirring]

Hm. Surprisingly not a robot.

[Chuckles]

Why does he care so much about that time ca...

Oh, my God, I know why.

Don't tell me. Please, let me figure this out, I'm like Sherlock Holmes.

You're not.

Really?

Because I figured out where that smell was coming from in the refrigerator.

It was a bag of liquidy lettuce.

Clever girl.

Why would Travis care about the time capsule?

Why? Hm...

Why, why, why?

The question is why?

Hm-hm.

This may be harder than the case of the stinky fridge.

Oh, my God.

I need a clue.

I need a clue!

What is Travis sad about?

Kirsten leaving.

The girl! Great job, Watson.

Yeah.

OK, now...

Now?

Is there anything in that time capsule that would make Kirsten wanna stay in Florida?

There's old photos, my grandmother's engagement ring, 38 Special cassettes...

Go back.

Old photos.

Go forward.

The ring? The ring.

Of course, it's the ring!

Travis wants to propose.

Yay! I got it. Wow!

Wait. No! No!

What "no, no"?

Um, I was just...

New dance I made up.

It's called the No-No Dance.

[Chuckles]

♪ No-no no-no, no-no no-no

# No-no no-no...

[mimics detector noise]

Weird.

[Forced chuckle]

Stop doing my No-No dance!

And for the record, it's like this.

♪ No-no no-no, no-no no-no

[together] # No-no no-no

And wipe off that stupid moustache, you look like a really gay Freddie Mercury.

[Both, quietly] Penny Can.

Travis is too young to get engaged.

I have to stop this.

You just have to step back and let him live his life.

I mean, what if I go nuts on this, and then I bite my tongue about his weird haircut?

If you tell Travis he can't propose, he's just gonna go do it anyway.

I have to step back, don't I?

Yeah. That'll happen.

You don't believe in me?

Jules, I really, really don't.

Not with this one. You can't just sit back. Keep your chin up, girl.

[Scoffs] I can and I will!

I can't and I won't. Help me.

"Bobby Cobb," right there on the can.

Man, my name's got a lot of B's in it.

My name doesn't have any "Bs" in it.

Aw. I'm sorry I brought it up.

It's OK.

So far we've spent $300 on cans and labels.

Another $100 on pennies.

Man! Buying money felt weird.

I know! But you gotta spend money to make money, right?

Yeah, it's a popular saying, so I believe in it.

It's like, "Location, location, location."

I don't know what the hell that means, but, man, I believe it to the core.

Hey, honey, what're you doing when there's still paint left in the cans?

Bagging it up.

Oh.

It could be a moneymaker.

No. No, thank you though, Bobby, thanks.

Suze Orman called with another hot investment tip.

Bags of... paint.

Excuse me, do you have the time?

Yeah, it's, uh...

"I'm married o'clock."

OK.

They're not into you.

You doubt everyone.

Bobby and Laurie's Penny Can business, Jules staying out of Travis' life, you even doubt my magnetic sexuality.

I might doubt those things because I'm a sane person.

Hm...

Sorry, I couldn't hear you, the breasts she was pressing into my back were way too loud.

Here you go.

[Sighing]

Never really dug a hole before.

Wait, what the hell is this?

That is your first blister.

Wow, I have not lived a hard life.

You're welcome. [chuckles]

Hey, Mom, you and Dad got married young. Do you regret it?

[Scoffing chuckle]

Yes! And thank you for asking.

I mean, that was the worst thing ever.

It's like throwing all of your dreams into a dumpster and pooping on them.

[Whispers] No!

[Sighs] But then again, because of that marriage, we got you. [chuckles]

So, I guess on the topic of getting married young, like an idiot, I have no real strong feelings either way, you know.

I got married at 16, to the love of my life. Best thing I ever did.

Hm. Hey, Trav, did you happen find any of Tom's business in those holes?

Let me check. Nope.

Sorry, Tom, none of your business over here.

Don't you love her fire?

I guess.

I brought some stuff for you to bury.

Yeah, that's not really what I'm doing, dude.

Oh, yay!

"Penny Can World Headquarters"?

I spent the last of our cash on this banner and our radio ad.

Bobby, I need a favor...

Right after I make this sh*t.

[Clanking, dinging]

I'm not getting up in Trav's business.

Come on, Bobby, I'm scared for him.

If I stick my nose in, he's gonna resent me forever.

Oh, but you're OK with him resenting me forever?

I ask one thing.

Bobby, Bobby, it's on!

[Siren wailing on radio]

[Bobby and Laurie on radio] Penny Can!

[Laurie on radio] Calm down, it's not the real police. It's the fun police!

And we're bringing you the greatest coin-based game since heads or tails.

[Bobby and Laurie on radio] Penny Can!

[Laurie] Do you love having a good time?

I do.

Then call 1-855-PENNYCAN.

Hold for an operator,

[mouthing]

then ask for Carol.

Say you're ordering Penny Can, and not any weight loss products or sexual aids, and she'll contact us with your order. It's that simple.

[Bobby and Laurie on radio] ♪ Ask for Carol, no sex stuff, Penny Can! ♪

Whoo! [mimics sizzling sound]

They give out awards for radio ads, right?

Well, they better. We worked on this for well over an hour. [scoffs]

Now we just wait for the phone to ring.

[Phone ringing]

Ooh!

Horrible.

Well, I hope this works.

If I lose all my money, I am sunk.

What if this wasn't a good idea?

"Lf." [chuckling]

There were so many better ways for Bobby to spend that money.

I mean, he could have, say, put it all in a pile and set it on fire.

You didn't let him down.

If I did, it would kick major ass.

No, it wouldn't...

[scoffing]

Hey, Doubtfire!

Think that was really helpful?

Honestly, yes.

You guys are lucky to have one realist in the group who tells you how it is.

Oh, and I'll prove it. Pardon me.

Yeah.

Earlier, did you really need the time, or were you looking to get naked and have a open face Cuban sex sandwich?

[Man] What'd you say to my wife?

Whoa! [nervous chuckle]

Are you just one guy?

Get in the car!

I feel like I'm on a cop show!

[Grunting]

[Whimpering]

Aw, I left my keys in the bar.

[Mocking indistinctly]

Stop it. You'll just make him angrier.

Oh, God.

Hey, come on, open the door.

Uh...

Aw.

I kind of liked you with the moustache.

Sad part is I could actually make that happen.

You could use a little shave, too.

Look, you know what...

Have fun digging.

Look at you stepping back.

I say we celebrate me.

You deserve it. Imaginary hat.

Imaginary hook hands.

[Clicking teeth]

I don't know what we're doing.

No one ever does.

Well, I swear, I did not say one word to Travis.

I just let him be.

Hm-hm. Just remember to stick with that when he finds the capsule.

He'll never find it. Because I already found it and I hid it in my closet.

[Chuckles] People really should call me Jules Sherlock.

Sherlock was his first name.

I agree to disagree.

Cheers!

No.

Oh, come on, Watson.

Mm-mm.

How come he didn't see you when you dug up the time capsule?

Because I put some cough syrup in his lemonade and he fell asleep in a hole.

You know, out of context, that sounds like a horrible abduction story.

[Both] Agree to disagree.

Stop doing that! You are bugging me!

I didn't do anything wrong.

I neither told him what to do, nor what not to do.

Excuse me, victory sip.

Hm... [gurgling]

I'm just gonna say it.

The clingy mom act, it's not cute anymore.

In fact, it's ugly on you.

Just like scarves.

I look bad in scarves?

They give you bird face.

I'm not gonna sit here and be judged by someone who doesn't have a 19-year-old and, most of all, who thinks there's a ghost in her pickup truck.

Then... who keeps moving my sunglasses, Jules? Who?

[Scoffing]

[Mocking scoff]

[Grunting] Come on, really.

I just wanna talk to you.

What do you think this guy eats for breakfast?

[Man] I'm a nice guy.

A goat?

You know, this is all your fault.

[Man] I'm not gonna hurt you.

Yeah, why won't you just admit that those women weren't hitting on you.

Maybe some of them weren't.

But why won't you just let me have it?

That's what you're supposed to do for friends. Believe in them no matter what.

It's what I do anyway. [chuckling]

That's two.

Hm.

I think he left.

[Man] I warned you. [grunting]

Nope, he's lifting us. Wow.

Oh!

Get off! What is he, the Hulk?

Hey, why is your car upside down in the parking lot?

Don't worry about that. I called you because I want to show you something.

How is that gonna get people to buy Penny Cans?

Ooh! That might work.

Can I have one now?

Nope.

[Rock music playing]

[Chatter, cheering]

Yeah.

[Dinging]

OK, folks! First, we'd like to thank you all for coming to Penny Can Night.

[All] Yeah!

There seems to be some questions about the rules.

Um..."Can I use a nickel?"

[Chuckling]

Seriously? It's called Penny Can, people. OK, "Can I throw underhand?"

I mean, sure, you can if you don't mind looking like a sissy-man.

And I'm talking to you, Steve, OK.

If anybody would like to buy their very own Penny Can, we have them for sale.

One for $19.95. Two for $50.

That's a horrible deal.

Bobby and I will be on mustache patrol for any ins-and-outs.

'Stache att*ck!

Sorry, buddy. In this situation, I'm gonna have to give you the crazy brows.

It was really nice of you to do this for Bobby and Laurie.

I also really wanted you to know that I believe in you, when it comes to all this Travis stuff, because...

Yeah, whatever. I fixed it. It's over.

I cannot hit a thing.

Slap out of it, Andy.

Excuse me.

[Andy groaning]

Ah! Oh.

Now, we're even.

Ah!

OK, wow. Guys, let's get another game going.

Watch and learn, people!

[Clinking]

[Appreciative murmurs]

Draino.

[All] # Moving target Penny Can

Thank you, everyone. You, come with me.

Why are you so winded? Oh, my God, don't tell me you walked here because of your truck ghost.

I parked in the street and it's in my driveway now!

Look, I just wanted you to hear something.

Mom, hi!

You couldn't wait three seconds to tell me you're too busy to talk?

I'm your daughter. Go to hell!

Ellie!

It's OK, I didn't really call her.

But that's what it would've sounded like if I could stand the sound of her voice.

It's one thing to be too involved in your kid's life when they're young.

You have to protect them.

But, with my mom, the endless opinions and the picking, it never stopped.

It just felt like she didn't believe in me. I hated her for that.

And I still do. I just don't want that to happen to you and Travis.

[# Tyler Lane: Photosynthesis]

Guys! We made enough money for Bobby to blah, blah, blah!

What?

I said, "blah, blah, blah" because, at this point, I don't know what he needed the money for, but we did it!

[All cheering]

Thank you, Laurie.

You're welcome.

And I also got to thank Andy and Jules for loaning me the money.

And me.

[Chuckles] Come on, G-man, you were only pouring out free drinks.

Those free drinks cost me 600 bucks.

Why did you pay for them?

They were free.

It seems crazy.

How are you not getting this?

[Chuckling]

You guys are messing with me.

Thanks, buddy.

How were we messing with him?

No!

[Laughing]

Oh.

Hey, Trav!

Look what I dug up!

No way.

Nice touch with the dirt.

[Gasping] Whoa...

[Jules] You were such a cute baby.

Not really.

Nope.

Uh! Dad's lucky visor.

Ew. Gross. His hair's still in it.

No, that's from your first haircut.

I didn't have a Ziploc bag so I just kinda sprinkled it in there.

[Bobby] Happy eighteenth, Trav! Look at me, I'm a bear.

So cute!

Oh! Grandma's old engagement ring.

Very cool.

I love you, Trav.

And no matter what paths you decide to take...

...I'm behind you a hundred percent.

Thanks, Mom. Seriously.

Hey, I'm gonna go back to school.

Is it cool if I take this with me?

Of course. It's yours.

All right, see you guys.

[Door opening, closing]

Now what?

I just sit here and wait and see what happens?

Yes.

[Sighing]

Totally kicks ass.

I know, sweetie.

That's better.

Yep.

Truck ghost.