03x01 - Ain’t Love Strange

[bunniefuu]

So, Trav asked me if I thought it was a problem that all we do on the week-end is sit around and drink wine.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wait.

Are we only drinking on the weekends now?

Because we need to vote on that.

Guys?

All: No!

Wow. Democracy works.

But still, maybe we shouldn't just sit with our wine glasses in our hands, doing nothing.

You know? So...

I got us these. Now our hands are free to do stuff.

But I-I liked holding my glass.

I feel like an animal.

Get it off! Hate it!

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Guys, wait. Fine.

What if we think of these necklaces as our "on deck circle"?

Hmm? - That way, we don't have to get up so much.

I don't like getting up.

Cheers, everyone.

(Glasses clink)

♪

(Indistinct conversations)

Wow. That's some pretty serious PDA for you.

What can I say?

You bring it out in me.

Let me ask you something.

When-- when we first met, did you, um, did you see us falling in love?

(Chuckles) No.

Yes.

All I wanna do is make you happy.

Really? Maybe tonight, you'll--

It's not about sex, babe.

Oh.

But I want you to try to keep listening.

I'll try my best.

Promise me that we'll always surprise each other.

(Skateboard wheels rattling)

All I really want is a life...

Full of surprises.

(Chuckles) Right?

Hey, fellas.

I'm trying to talk to my man here.

So could you take that "thrashi" down to the park?

Pfft.

Pfft!

Boy: Whatever, lady.

Hey, none of you are gonna have girlfriends unless you cut your hair and take a shower!

That's not true.

When I was younger, I was crazy about dirty long-hairs. Now where were we?

Surprises.

Right. Love 'em. Want 'em.

Lock it down.

(Sighs)

Okay, without Laurie or Bobby here, it's just not as cramped or stupid or noisy.

I'll just say it-- I think this should be the g*ng.

Too mean, babe.

I know.

(Whispers)

I think this should be the g*ng.

I heard that!

(Normal voice) Good.

(Loud clomping)

Nothing on two legs should walk that loud.

It's just hard to walk with a stupid ankle monitor.

Seriously, Jules, this is why you shouldn't have hassled those skateboarders.

Last month, I was in real need of a spiritual, soul-cleansing journey, but of course, I didn't have enough cash to fly to India.

So I just drove north.

It was total "eat, pray, Tampa."

Anyway, I let this cute-ish bartender trade me free drinks...

(Clenched teeth)

For a little action upstairs...

(Normal voice)

And his ex-wife showed up.

I should've minded my own business, but did I?

Don't care.

Next thing you know, she is kicking me, but I have got...

This very heel in my hand, and I am popping her eardrum.

Wa-poom! Wa-poom!

You don't want to go down that road, honey.

Not a huge worry for me.

I knew you would mess with those skate rats.

Mm-hmm.

(Refrigerator door closes)

You are very predictable.

In what way?

In... every way?

(Laughing) (Laughing)

That's not funny.

Honey, we just know how you're going to react in most situations.

Every situation.

In every situation.

I am not predictable.

All: I'm not.

I'm not. Ugh.

All: I'm not. Ooh!

So you're only gonna be mad at me?

I am.

Both: - Yay!

Ellie! Stan punched Rosa!

(Electronic beeping and whirring)

Stanley Torres, you are gonna clean up all of these toys and then go write Rosa an apology note.

Doubt it.

(Beeps)

Okay, let's go take a nap, champ.

No! No! No! No!

Oh! Sharp teeth there, pal!

(Grunts) (Mouths words)

No!

(Grunts)

That kid. (Chuckles)

Feisty little fella, isn't he?

No.

That black eye you had last week--

That was from playing tennis?

Sure. Sure.

(Imitates expl*si*n)

What happened to the couch?

Just say it!

He is a devil baby.

I don't know what happened.

He likes to sneak out of our house with a hammer and smash the neighbor's landscaping lights.

Make me feel better.

You always know what to say.

Sweetie, this should be the g*ng.

It totally should.

Hey, buddy boy!

Dad.

(Door closes) To what do I owe the unannounced, didn't-call-ahead pleasure?

I just came by to check out the new college digs.

It's a 2-bedroom house, but, uh, the rent is super cheap because nine guys live here.

I don't even really know most of their names.

I think there's a Steve.

Yo, Steve!

Man: - What?!

Man: - 'Sup, bro?!

Huh, two Steves.

What's that?

That is our homemade green screen.

Nice.

You're okay being a nerd, right?

Oh, yeah. Love it.

Hey, I also came by 'cause I want to do you a favor.

Now every college house needs a pet.

Oh. Uh, dad...

I mean, you have a big yard.

There's plenty of people around.

I mean, he's gonna love it.

And, brother, there's no better panty dropper than a giant, cuddly horse dog.

Yeah, we use the green screen to bring in the chicas.

Yeah, I don't see the ladies getting all weak-kneed over a green wall.

(Western music playing)

(Clicks tongue)

Whoa, seabiscuit!

(Grunts)

Partner, I stand corrected.

(g*nf*re)

(Makes whooshing sound) (Barks)

(Horse whinnies, g*nsh*t)

Man!

(Barks)

(Guitar strumming) (Grayson) ♪

"I'm not predictable," you say ♪
♪ perhaps it's true ♪
♪ but when you wake ♪
♪ here's what you'll do ♪
♪ brush your teeth, wash your face ♪
♪ check your nose, just in case ♪
♪ eat your breakfast, bacon and eggers ♪
♪ take your pill so you don't ♪

(Falsetto voice)

♪ get preggers ♪

(Normal voice) ♪ find your mouth guard, check your mail ♪
♪ workout time, if it's late, you bail ♪
♪ where's your mouth guard?

You threw it away ♪
♪ it's all the same...

(Falsetto voice) Every day ♪

(Normal voice) ♪ but we don't mind, we're glad to wait ♪
♪ 'cause we all know that right at 8:00 ♪
♪ you'll come downstairs, then on our knees ♪
♪ all together ♪

All: Coffee, please.

♪ It's Jules' slightly longer morning routine song ♪

Yeah!

No singing.

I'm just too cranky.

(Door opens) (Laurie) Jules!

They sharked our car!

Jelly bean, use your words.

Sharked it! Come!

Look, you guys!

(Stammers)

My car got sharked!

Told you!

I bet it was those skate rats.

This is so on!

Three waters.

(Under breath) Jerks.

We need to make sure it's them.

Ah-choo!

Whoo!

Oh.

(Sniffles) Oh, sorry.

I used to get really embarrassed when I would sneeze in public.

Now I just put a happy noise with it, you know, to own it.

Got the idea from my new shrink.

Oh, honey.

Yeah, he's probably gonna have to go.

Yeah.

(Sneezes) Oh.

Whoo.

No.

Jules, if you get married again, how do you want to be proposed to?

Tom, I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Okay. I want it to look something like it was out of a fairy tale, and I want everyone I love to be there.

And I wanna do all the talking, because when it comes to love, I'm a street-rappin' poet, yo.

(Chuckles)

Wait. Why are you asking me?

Does he wanna know?

Huh? No.

We should hang out more together, just the two of us.

Raise your hand if you just built a hot tub.

I'm gonna have to throw my "too creepy" flag.

I knew it when I said it.

Ugh.

You know, I used to think that Tom was secretly gay.

That's because you think all single men over the age of 35 are secretly gay.

When we met, I was over 35 and single.

Did you think...

(Clenches teeth) I was gay?

(Chuckles)

Hello.

Jules, they're getting up.

Check for guilt in their eyes.

I think I saw guilt.

Did you?

I don't know. I just got mesmerized by their greasy hair.

I love it.

Right? Oh, I wish I was in high school.

(Whispers) - Me, too.

This should be the g*ng.

What?

Nothing.

Aw.

Poor old Andy and Ellie--

Mostly Ellie--

Afraid of your own son. Oh!

(Laughs) Shh.

(Whispers) We're--

We're not afraid of Stan.

(Whispers) No.

Then why are you whispering?

It's sexy.

It's sexy.

Aw! Look at this cute picture that Stan made.

What is that?

That's a sunflower.

A little bunny rabbit.

It's a what?

It's a rabbit-- Sun--

Rabbit flower.

Really? It looks like a flesh-eating demon.

I told you.

Stop it!

Well, if you guys aren't scared of him, then you won't mind if I just--

If I take this off.

No.

No. Take it.

(Normal voice) - It just needs new tape.

(Normal voice) - Just a little tape.

The tape-- Sometimes it loses its stickiness. - We love you.

It loses its stickiness, Stan!

Someone is gonna get hit with a hammer.

I got skater boy's address.

Get ready for operation "revengeance."

Not a word.

Oh, stop being so "precisional."

(Hisses)

We are going to do something that gorgeous skater boy will never expect.

We are going to TP his house.

All right!

Whoop! Whoop!

I called you predictable, but just when I thought you were gonna zig, you zig.

You did not see this coming.

Really? Why do you think everyone here wore black?

Everyone, raise your hands.

(Makes whooshing sound)

All right, everybody out.

So you looked in the mirror and thought that looked good?

Yeah. (Gasps)

(Clatter)

Stan?

Hey, check it out.

I'm gonna keep talking while he drinks water.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. (Laughs)

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

(Laughs)

This is Sig, one of my roommates.

Hey, Sig.

That's a pre-sh*t computer image. I'm over here.

(Ball clatters)

It's all very confusing.

Dad, I'm sorry, but I just--

I don't need the dog.

I wish you would've said that right off, 'cause, Trav, the thing about dog Trav is that he decides where he lives on his own.

And once he's found a nice spot and eating a shoe, he's home.

Sorry, buddy.

Nothin' I can do.

Oh, no, no, no.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold on.

Come here. Come here, boy.

(Door squeaks)

Come on. Come on, boy.

Oh, my God!

What are you made of, cement?

(Imitates Southern accent)

And then she was like, "stay away from my man!"

Poom! Poom! Poom!

You know, he is a handful, but he's got spirit.

The spirit of the devil.

I am not gonna say another disparaging thing about Stan.

I love him too much.

I do, too.

I know.

I just worry about the future, like, how's he gonna turn out?

Who is he gonna be like?

Hey, Ellie.

Look, I made him a matching ankle bracelet out of electrical tape.

(Singsongy) Separated at birth!

What, what?

What, what?

What, what? (Laughs)

Oh, please, no.

You know, you'd be less mad just by getting naked, right here.

No, no, no, no, no.

Not the mouth guard.

Oh, yes.

Once the mouth guard is in, this store is closed.

One day, I will sleep with you after you've put that vile thing in your mouth.

It's my Everest.

Now come here.

Unh-unh. Stay back.

Just come--

I mean it.

A little bit.

Oh, it's going in.

Look, why do you care so much if I think you're predictable?

Because, you dummy, it's like...

It's like...

You're saying that I'm...

Boring.

But I like boring. That's not the right thing to say.

And know she grabs her robe and sleeps down the hall.

You think you know me so well, don't you?

I do.

(Mouth full) Then turn off the lights, handsome.

Oh, my God.

It's really happening.

Oh, yeah.

(Laughs)

Here I come, baby.

Oh. Please don't make me kiss.

Mmm.

(Groaning)

(Whimpers)

(Grunts)

(Whispers) Tom!

Dad?

No.

Oh.

You want to do stuff, just the two of us?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Come on. Get up.

You sleep nude!

I'll see you downstairs.

If nerd's the new cool, why are they all asleep at 9:15?

Who cares?

This is beautiful.

Hey, why all the, uh, games with getting dog Travis over here?

Why not just ask Travis to take him?

I guess I can't ask Trav 'cause I'm scared he's gonna say no.

And I'll think it's because I've been such a crap father for so long that he feels he doesn't owe me anything.

He's not the one keeping stupid thoughts like that alive.

You are.

Yeah, maybe.

Is it weird that we're doing this and we can't see ourselves on the monitor?

Yes.

Oh! Oh! Don't let go!

Oh!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh!

Come back. Come back. Come back.

(Sighs)

I got Stan into his crib.

He's gonna be just like you, isn't he?

Fingers crossed.

Have your moment.

Tell me what to expect.

Okay. Um...

Well...

If Stan does go down...

My path, in the near future, there'll be more... screaming, crying, anger, breaking stuff, getting kicked out of preschool, getting kicked out of kindergarten, getting kicked out everywhere, crashing cars, getting arrested, piercings, drinking, and sex.

(Inhales deeply)

When he's 13--

Enough. Is this karma?

I mean, I'll admit, I'm not always the most...

Lovely person...

(Laughing)

Are you laughing?

Yes.

For shame!

Relax.

You know the main difference between me and Stan?

I had...

Five different crappy stepfathers.

Stan's got two amazing parents.

What? Whatever. He does.

(Scoffs)

Look, I think that if you guys just stay in the game, he's gonna be fine.

Thanks.

Of course, some devil babies are just devil babies.

Sorry.

Had to say it.

I get that.

Jules?

Whatcha doin'?

You can't come.

Uh, it's just the two of us.

Pfft!

Get in.

Yay!

You just lost shotgun.

Damn it!

(Laughs)

Revengeance is mine!

Just get that hedge over there.

I'll get it.

Tom sleeps nude.

Ugh. Why would you tell me that?

Well, I want it to be in someone else's head.

How fun is this?!

So fun!

(Siren whoops)

(Gasps) - It's the fuzz!

No.

Scatter!

Bye!

(Laughs)

(Jules speaks indistinctly)

I want to come clean.

Dog Travis isn't a chick magnet.

Dad, for me, college will never be about girls anyway.

So...

(Cans clatter)

Ohh.

Well, you're my son, and I love you, no matter what.

Wasn't coming out to you.

Just meant that I'm here to learn.

Not gay.

Well, if you were, I might cry for a minute.

Not because I'd be upset about it, just because I know how hard it would be for you to admit it to me...

And yourself.

It's a little weird how much thought you've put into it.

Sorry. Your mom thinks everyone secretly swings that way.

You know how susceptible my brain is to other people's thoughts.

I do. But it's late.

You're probably getting really tired.

(Yawns) You're right. I am.

Anyway, I need to ask you a question that I probably should've asked you yesterday.

(Yawns)

Wait. Both of you wet your hair first.

(Yawns) Just go with it.

I know this is a lot to ask, but would you please take dog Travis?

Of course, dad.

Really?

I mean, come on.

After all you've done for me?

Oh, come here. I love you.

I'd pay $12 to see that.

(Giggles)

Right?

Yeah. Ooh!

We gotta go pick up Ellie!

(Whispering) What do you think your therapist is gonna think about this?

(Whispering) Who knows?

It's only been a couple months.

I'm still not comfortable enough to stop lying to him about everything.

He thinks I'm 35.

No, he doesn't.

(Dog barking in distance)

I'm not sure, but I think there's a chance that me getting caught here with my ankle monitor could be considered a third strike.

So I'm gonna bolt.

No. No. Don't leave me.

Prison's great!

You can get those neat teardrop tattoos.

I-I'll create a diversion for you.

Taser!

(Gasps)

(Electricity crackles)

Aah!

God.

Man: Anybody else out there?

(Sneezes)

Whoo!

Uh, all right, look, officer, um, it's a funny story.

(Click)

Really? I'm all ears.

What?

(Ed Sheehan) ♪ one of a kind ♪

Hey, Jules.

Hi there.

(Imitates taser buzzing) Aah!

Taser.

What's going on?

Those kids didn't shark your car. I did.

And I even had Laurie give you this fake address.

Well, then whose house is this?

It's empty.

It's actually your listing.

(Click)

♪ And I will fall for you ♪

(Click) Oh, yeah.

The house shows really well at night.

I knew you'd come here and do this.

Oh, so that's what this is about?

Huh? You just wanted me to look stupid so you could laugh at me again?

No, Jules.

I mean, didn't you say that you wanted a life full of surprises?

And look.

Everyone you love's here.

And isn't this all kind of, uh, isn't this all kind of like a fairy tale?

♪ With kisses on cheeks ♪

I mean, when I sent Tom to you in the bar, isn't that what you told him you wanted?

♪ We're lifted ♪
♪ over the edge ♪

I thought you wanted to do all the talking.

♪ I will fall for you ♪

I'm speechless.

Really? You?

I love you so much.

Will you marry me?

Okay, I'm gonna say yes, so don't get nervous.

I just, um...

I want to think of a way to say it so you know how happy you make me.

That was pretty good.

♪ And if I fall for you ♪
♪ would you fall, too? ♪
♪ I will fall for you ♪
♪ I will fall for you ♪

I'm not boring, am I?

No.

You're a crazy person.

♪ Would you fall, too? ♪

(All cheering)

♪ Would you fall, too? ♪

Jules: You are good!

Laurie: I know.

♪ Would you fall, too? ♪

Whoo!

Ellie: Oh!

Okay. Fan.

Nice. Mountaintop.

(Taps key)

Okay, this is for our grandkids.

So when you propose to me this time, please, try to squeeze out a tear. Okay.

Action!

(Dramatic voice)

My dearest Jules.

Yes, my love!

Dude, how often is your mom gonna come over?

Probably more than I'd like.

(Groans)

Damn it.