05x04 - The Trip to Pirate's Cove

[bunniefuu]

(Laughing)

Ellie, are you crazy?

Ditch the wine glass.

(Whispers)

Here comes the fuzz.

Wife of the mayor.

(Gasps)

Just because Andy is the figurehead mayor, you can drink anywhere?

That is so cool.

I also get handicap parking, free stamps, and if I need a jar opened, I just call the fire department.

If I were mayor, I would grant more rights to animals.

But also, more responsibility.

All potty business must be done behind a tree.

And if a dog has a visible beanbag, he's gotta wear dog pants.

Ugh.

What? What?

Hey.

The mayor's wife can just take bottles of wine?

Uh, no, that's more of an Ellie thing.

We should walk faster.

Oh.

All right, you each get one pirate joke.

Okay, what is a pirate's, um, favorite movie?

One that's rated "Argh!"

(Laughs)

Okay, I'm up.

Look...

It's Captain Jack Sparrow.

But it's... not Johnny Depp.

It's a guy that's...

(Lowered voice) shorter.

It's stupid Buccaneer Week in Gulfhaven.

It's this dumb event to get tourists here to spend money.

Since I'm mayor, I have to...

Okay, do-over.

Hey, look!

It's Pirate... Long John... silver not-short... mayor.

Ah, I'm 0-for-2.

Oh.

They want me to schmooze all these rich business owners and their wives.

So I was hoping I'd get a hand from... Charming Ellie?

Charming Ellie?

Well, what's that?

It's Ellie being charming.

(Laughs) Come on.

Seriously, what is that?

Oh, I'm serious.

I can turn it on when I absolutely have to.

But Charming Ellie hasn't been out in ten years, not since the hostage situation...

(Voice breaks) at the bank.

They were gonna k*ll us.

Bobby: I'm so glad they didn't.

Oh, Bobby and I decided we'd keep our phones on speaker all day.

That way we don't miss anything.

That way we don't miss anything.

Jinx!

Jinx!

(Laughs)

Anyway, if I mess up this week, they can squeeze me out of office.

Eh, well.

Which means no more drinking wine in public.

Fine. I'll be irresistibly charming, you jackass.

Wait. Did it start yet?

I mean, that was kinda charming.

Yeah.

Hey, take a picture of this mole on my back.

I don't have a mirror on the boat.

Dog Travis has body issues.

I'm sure he does.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Hey, you know, I got a gig taking pics of Mayor Torres for Buccaneer Week.

Andy: Please, call me Mayor Andy.

(Toilet flushing)

(Laughs)

You guys keep your phones on when you go to the bathroom?

Friendship doesn't stop to pee.

I feel like it should.

I should go.

Stupid rich jerk Roger Frank told me to be there at 10:00 sharp.

Why are you so worried about impressing Roger?

(Camera shutter clicks)

You're the mayor.

Yeah, but he's the head of the chamber of commerce.

On a casual whim, he could just drain the city budget or take away my mayoral Netflix account.

So you're not gonna come watch me surf?

(Camera shutter clicks)

Without you holding up scorecards, I don't know how I'm doing.

(Sighs) Time to go be important.

Confidence dance me out?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, whoo!

Go get 'em pirate!

Go get 'em, yeah!

I wish I had more friends.

(Camera shutter clicks)

Why aren't you people coming into my shop?!

The next person that walks by without buying one of my delicious cakes is getting a slice jammed down their throat.

Wow, threatening customers.

Always a good move.

Listen, can I borrow a bunch of napkins?

My bar is packed.

Oh, I guess pirates aren't really that into cake.

My business is crashing.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I didn't get into this business for the money.

I really love the look on a little kid's face when they see one of my butterfly cakes.

Ugh, I still need their stupid parents to pay for it.

Here.

Don't worry.

People will come.

Tom!

How may I help you?

Uh, bachelor party for a dermatologist friend of mine.

Uh, these skin docs really know how to party.

Do you wanna buy a cake or not?

Yes, it's a special order.

Can you make... that?

(Gasps) Oh, Tom! Gross!

I mean, yes, I've obviously tried that before.

But I'm not putting it on a cake. Come on.

All right, I'll take my business elsewhere.

Wait.

I'll make your filthy cake.

Sweet! All right, let's talk about flavors.

As the owner of over a dozen businesses here in Gulfhaven, I'm already very rich.

And if this Buccaneer Week thing takes off and the tourists stay, I'll be even richer.

(Camera shutter clicking)

Nothing would make me happier.

I've taken every precaution to make sure that Buccaneer Week goes flawlessly.

(Chuckles)

(Camera shutter clicks)

(Menacing theme playing)

What the--

Aah! Oh, jellyfish!

k*ller jellyfish!

I've anticipated every possible problem.

(Shutter continues clicking)

Beefed up security.

You have my guarantee that absolutely nothing will happen to ruin Buccaneer Week.

Giant k*ller jellyfish!

He's gonna k*ll us all!

Run for your lives!

Ohh! No!

Did not anticipate that.

(Imitates pirate voice) Ahoy!

It's me favorite wenches.

(Normal voice) Pirate talk is weirdly catchy.

Well, stop.

'Cause Ellie's gotta get her game face on.

She has to charm those socialite wenches over there.

You're right. It is catchy.

Right?

I shouldn't have let Andy talk me into this.

I don't even know if I can turn on the charm anymore.

All I can think about is how much I wanna set fire to that tourist's wig.

Okay, high energy.

That's good.

Now let's get arson off the table.

I know you can do this, Ellie.

I... think you can do this, Ellie.

Let's get this over with.

Have a strong drink ready.

She's gonna t*nk this big-time.

Oh, hi!

Three gin Martinis.

And if you're quick about it, I'll give you some style advice.

These waitresses outfits are horrendous.

Hi, Bev.

I am Ellie Torres, the Mayor's wife.

I think I met you last year at the police gala.

Although, I swear, you look even younger tonight.

You're Gulfhaven's Benjamin Button.

Oh!

(Women laugh)

And the bartenders may need to check some IDs here.

Sir, it is 'tini time for my darling friends.

Who's ready to party, gals?

(Chuckles)

Shiver me timbers!

Who is that?

So I said to my seamstress, what do you expect me to do?

Wear a salmon cardigan with a Paisley scarf?

What do you think I am, an escaped mental patient?

(Women laugh)

Please allow me to introduce you to my dearest friend.

This is Jules. Love.

She's the town's premiere real estate agent.

She single-handedly put her son through college.

She's my touchstone and the light of my life.

Aw.

Well, it's nice to meet you all.

Hey, guys.

And, uh, who is this?

This is Dr. Thomas Gazelian, Gulfhaven's own Don Draper.

He's an accomplished neurosurgeon.

And rumor has it, he's quite the ladies man.

(Gasps)

Uh, I feel light-headed.

Who's hungry?

Do you guys wanna go get the best tapas?

Olé! (Laughs)

(Chairs scrape floor)

I don't want this to end.

I'm intrigued, but I still feel like she's gonna drain their blood and leave 'em all in a ditch.

Maybe.

There's a giant k*ller jellyfish out there.

He looked me right in the eyes, and all I saw was m*rder!

Travis: - Slow down, take a deep breath, tell us what you really saw.

Okay.

There's a giant k*ller jellyfish out there, who looked me right in the eyes, and all I saw was m*rder!

And I'm telling you, this monster was, like, 20 feet wide.

Are you sure it wasn't a bunch of little jellyfish that looked like one great big one?

Yeah, I saw some little ones.

But they were guarding the big one, man.

Like Stormtroopers on Darth Vader.

An-do, I'm telling you, you gotta close the beaches.

dr*gs and surfing don't mix, son.

Bobby, this week is very important for local businesses.

And if we close the beaches, they'll lose a lot of money.

Oh, An-do, you believe me now, don'tcha?

Of course I do.

Don't worry.

I'll keep the beaches safe.

Yeah. I knew I could count on you.

I've always suspected that he's a teenage boy who made a wish at a carnival to become big.

You are not actually going to listen to him.

Bobby's great, but he's not exactly known for being grounded in reality.

(Camera shutter clicking)

Don't worry. I'll-- I'll handle him.

Andy: He gets a little crazy sometimes.

If I wanted to add the 3-breasted lady from Total Recall, that would just be the regular price?

You know I charge by the boob.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, what is going on?

Why does it look like an airport strip club in here?

I made one naughty cake for Tom, and now I'm tapped into a whole new part of the cake business.

(Singsongy)

The dirty part.

A tweet from @doctortomg helped spread the word.

That's @doctortomg-- D-O-C--

Be careful, Laurie.

This feels like a slippery slope.

It's funny, because I see your lips moving, but all I'm hearing is ka-ching, ka-ching.

Hi!

I would like a naughty cake for my husband's birthday.

Um, I want it to be me, naked, but three months more pregnant.

I'm gonna need a lot more orange frosting.

(Sighs)

What's going on with you?

I was just thinking about Chellie.

That's Charming Ellie.

Travis, she is so magnetic, that silverware will just fly across the room and stick to her.

Okay, that didn't happen.

But she is amazing.

Ellie!

Come say hi to Travis.

Why? Does that pasty-faced art nerd have something interesting to say for once?

Tell him I'm bored enough already as it is.

What a peach.

That was Ellie.

Chellie is great.

She is so nice, she would've put a positive spin on your paleness.

She would've called you "Porcelain."

Okay, whoever Chellie is, is gone now.

I didn't even really get to know her.

We didn't get a chance to go have lunch and laugh over salads, like women do in magazines.

I gotta get her back.

You can't pick and choose your favorite parts of people like that.

You have to accept them for who they are.

Hmm. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey, have you ever thought about getting that chin dimple filled in?

Sure, the ocean was murky and-- and you thought you saw something you didn't.

So if you could tell everyone that the water's safe, it would really help me out.

Sure, then.

Anything for my best friend.

This Buccaneer Week is a k*ller.

I'm putting out fires all over town.

Hey, well, don't let them near my cleave cash, because I am... (Singsongy) flammable.

I had to put on my old double-D shoplifting bra just to fit all this in there.

In my day, I could fit a honeybaked ham and a DVD box set in there.

That's a lot of cash.

She decided to turn her cake shop into an adult-themed establishment.

So I decided to mix up my business a little bit.

What's the harm in that?

(Chuckles) I'll tell you.

It was nine years ago.

I wanted to reach some new customers, so I got one of those Monday night soccer channels.

It worked. (Chuckles) Place was packed...

Until the Hooligans took over.

Yeah, I had to change the name of my French fries to "Chips."

I ordered fire extinguishers in bulk to put out trash can fires.

I was headbutted on six different occasions.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still hear them.

♪ Olé! ♪
♪ olé, olé, olé ♪
♪ olé! ♪

(Softly) ♪ olé ♪

I remember that.

Didn't they flip over a police car in the plaza?

With the policemen still in it.

I ended up bringing in a family of rats to have my own bar shut down by the board of health.

Nothing like that could happen to me, could it?

Whoo! Cake slut.

That's the first time I've been called "Slut" in a bad way.

Don't worry about it, sir.

I got it all taken care of.

(Mouths words)

(Indistinct conversations)

(Amplified voice)

Citizens of Gulfhaven, the Mayor has asked me to get up here and tell you that the water's safe and that there is no giant k*ller jellyfish.

(Crowd murmuring)

(Loudly)

The Mayor's a liar!

The giant k*ller jellyfish is out for blood!

It's a man-eater, and opening up the beaches is like ringing a dinner bell.

(Crowd murmuring)

Why is he running?

We're on land.

Bobby, what did you just do?

How should I know?

I'm not exactly grounded in reality.

These people are the worst.

Aw. You know what? You should probably be Charming Ellie just in case there's anyone important around.

Oh, like the falling down drunk with the eye patch?

I wish I had two eye patches.

Yeah, but you just never know.

I mean, see that couple right there?

They could be members of the chamber of commerce.

Socialites tend not to run the bases in public.

Yeah, well, maybe that's what they want you to think, which is why they're undercover.

You should probably be charming just in case.

Bu-bu-bu-bah.

Why do you keep trying to get me to be nice to strangers?

I think I know what's going on.

You like Charming Ellie, don't you?

What? (Scoffs) That's crazy.

Oh, are you just saying that because you wanna be Chellie?

'Cause I would totally support that.

You have a name for it?!

Oh, my God.

You like Charming Ellie more than me.

Oh, honey, of course not.

I love you more than anything, Chellie.

Wait, did I say "Ellie" or "Chellie"?

Wow. So my best friend would rather be friends with a totally different person.

Thanks, Jules.

Oh, Ellie, come on.

I'm so sorry.

Ellie!

Argh!

Ellie, I didn't mean I want you to change.

Please don't be mad.

I'm not mad. It's fine.

You like Chellie better.

Maybe I'll be Chellie all the time.

Your top is really flattering.

Thank you?

You're a pleasure to be around.

You know, your words are nice, but your voice is mean.

Compliments aren't supposed to hurt!

Hey. What's going on?

I needed some new business, and I got some, okay?

I'm shocked... and slightly turned on.

Number 12!

Oh, let me guess.

You hang out here all the time now.

Not all the time.

I do have a job.

I just... called in sick.

Hey, can I amend my other order?

I wanna upgrade from big to ba-donka-donk.

Oh, hi.

My kooky husband loved the idea of the pregnant cake.

But he wants to take it up a notch.

So could we just, um...

What?

(Whispering indistinctly)

That's insane!

Well, the other woman doesn't have to be black.

That's it. I want all creepy weirdos out my shop.

You heard the lady!

Well, I just kicked a bunch of paying customers out of my shop, and now it is empty again.

True, but you chose integrity over compromising your vision.

And that's gotta feel good, right?

(Exhales deeply)

(All shouting over each other)

Mr. Mayor!

You need to close the beaches.

My children swim there.

My children!

And I love children, miss, but--

Look, if we close the beaches, then all these tourists leave.

And not to sound cold, but I've been cleaning up this week.

Down with big business!

Say "No" to the lies!

(Crowd booing)

Let's hear from the brilliant Roger Frank.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

I say the beaches stay open, hoo-zah!

Crowd: Yeah! Yeah!

You! You're a troublemaker!

(Scratching)

(Crowd groans)

You all know me, know what I do for a livin'.

It hasn't been easy.

I can't please all of you.

Too many captains in this town.

But only one is my best friend, so if Bobby Cobb said he saw a giant k*ller jellyfish, then he saw it.

The head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

The beaches are closed.

I'm going home, ladies and gentlemen.

(Crowd booing)

Go, go!

Woman: - Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Wa-wa-- wait, wait, wait, wait.

I do exaggerate a little bit sometimes, but my best friend is legit.

And if Mayor Torres says the beaches are safe, then they're safe.

And I'm gonna prove it.

Andy: Not by yourself, you're not.

(Both groan)

What just happened?

We're... going in the water to see if... it's safe.

Was that not... clear?

I need to move to a new town.

I don't mean it in a bad way.

I just think they'll be happier back home.

Of course.

My son is half Cuban, but I totally see what you're saying.

(Chuckles) Oh, Ellie.

Your charm more than makes up for the fact that you dress like a teenage boy.

I sure do, Bev.

Oh, you! (Chuckles)

(Women laugh)

Uh, can you excuse us for a second?

No, I'm laughing.

I wanna talk to you. Okay, thanks.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm being Chellie.

'Cause she's so fun and charming to be around.

She is, but this isn't what I wanted.

Come on. You know me!

I fall in love with new things.

Remember that psychic phase I went through?

I had that crystal ball, and Bobby went bowling with it?

New things come and go.

I just don't realize how beautiful and perfect the old thing was until it's gone.

You miss and desperately love Ellie?

More than anything.

I'm so sorry, honey.

It's okay.

Just that being nice hurts me to my core.

Unless I'm being nice to you.

Wait, does that mean I get to have Ellie back but also just a little side of Chellie?

We'll see how it goes.

First, I have to take care of a little... something.

You're gonna go destroy those women, aren't you?

Beautiful bitch is back.

Excuse me.

How are you at making balls?

Are you serious?

Come on, your kid is right here.

Yes, and she loves soccer, so for her birthday... - Oh!

...we were hoping...

My mistake.

Yes. No, I'm-- I'm so sorry.

Of course, yeah.

I can make soccer balls.

Wow.

Oh! Uh... do you know... that this butterfly cake is the first kind of cake that I ever learned how to make?

Do you like it?

It's so pretty.

Can I have it?

Well, then. I-I guess we'll take the butterfly.

Can I offer a more sensible solution?

Call a professional, see if the water's safe.

We don't need a professional.

We have friendship.

Best friendship!

Oh, great.

Because I read that friendship keeps away jellyfish and sharks.

So you should be all good.

Ah, I don't see any jellyfish.

I think we're safe.

Yeah, I guess Darth Vader and his Stormtroopers headed back to their underwater death st-- Aah!

Oh!

(Laughs)

Did you just say "Death stah" like you're from New Jersey-- Aah!

Oh, man. It's about to get bad, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Well, at least we're together-- Aah!

Oh, man, they're every-- Aah! Aah!

And it looks like friendship does not keep jellyfish away.

(Bobby and Andy) Ooh! Ow!

Weak pour, dime eyes.

What do you think I am, some slutty tourist in a corset?

♪♪

You look so gorgeous.

I wish I could stare at you forever.

I get the best of both Ellies.

This is perfect.

(Door closes in distance)

Not for me.

Nobody cares.

Hey. Who wants to dive into a tray of leftover erotic cake parts?

(Sets down plate)

Duh, bring it.

Ooh.

I Frankensteined all the unused boobs, butts, and limbs into one giant erotic cake super freak.

It's like out of one of those Japanese anime p*rn.

(Laughing) I'm guessing.

I mean, how would I know in the first place?

Hey, does it make me gay if I eat this?

I think it does.

I'm doing it anyway.

Well, you don't have to--

Do you want a fork?

Still sore from those stings?

But you know what might make us feel better?

Hmm?

♪ Olé, olé, olé, olé ♪
♪ olé, olé ♪

No, no, no, no, no.

Sorry. Get out of here.

Not that kind of bar.

Mnh-mnh. Go on.

Sorry, fellas.

(Quietly)

♪ Olé, olé, olé, olé ♪

(Loudly) ♪ olé, olé ♪