05x08 - Mystery of Love

[bunniefuu]

Hey, everybody!

Guess what I brought?

Cronuts. But there's a cronut shortage, so it's mostly just doughnuts.

Damn it, Andy!

I can't believe you'd do this!

You dummy!

These are horrible for you!

Laurie: [ Muffled ]

You're so thoughtless.

I mean, do you even care about your friends at all?

[ Muffled ] Yeah, what is wrong with you?!

[ Muffled ] Maybe you should just leave.

And take your dumb empty box with you!

S-sorry, everyone.

Jerk.

I love when steam rises from the mug.

It's like I'm in a coffee commercial.

Ahh.

Home for the holidays.

It's March.

Ahh, home for St. Patrick's Day.

Question.

Answer!

We're playing word association, right?

Right, because that's something we do... never.

Land!

Ho!

Tramp!

Stamp!

Post office!

We're not playing word association!

I have a question.

I want to get Laurie a little "just because" gift.

No occasion, just because I'm awesome. Any ideas?

Can't go wrong with flowers.

What's her favorite flower?

Oh, um...

Rookie move, bro.

Got to know your girl's favorite flower, candy, and perfume.

That way, if you ever screw up, you just put down a little money, and bam!

She doesn't even remember what you did wrong.

Grayson!

I'm bringing home roses today.

Aw, baby.

See?

Aw, Trav, don't worry about it.

You're a new couple.

You're like a little baby giraffe.

All awkward and clumsy, shaky legs, covered in afterbirth.

But soon, you'll be able to do cool stuff like communicate without talking.

Ellie, hit me.

Yeah, I'd be happy to go out and buy you some chapstick.

[ Chuckles ]

I did not want chapstick.

I did want him to leave.

Well, Stan, you drew a blue hippo.

You know, in the wild, they call that a blippo.

Mommy, you're fun.

Fun mommy.

Aw. No argument there.

What about me, Stan?

Am I fun daddy?

No.

Work daddy.

Work daddy?

No, I'm fun daddy!

Work daddy.

Kids call it like they see it.

Nothing held back, no regard for feelings.

Hey, that's like me.

That's fascinating.

All right. That's it.

Stan, tomorrow, you and I, we're gonna have a beach day.

And not just any beach, the good beach -- North Gulf Haven.

Then we will see, my friend, who is fun daddy.

Yay!

Hear that, Ellie?

I got a "Yay."

Yeah, but he also says "Yay" when I say the word "Detergent."

Yay!

Yeah. Enjoy that.

Okay, yeah.

We can do that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We can do what?

Oh, hold on.

Laurie and Trav want us to come over tomorrow for brunch.

Okay, great.

All right.

We'll see you then.

Bye.

[ Gasps ]

I am so glad to see you excited, putting on a tie.

I was hanging myself.

What's the big deal about going to Laurie's for brunch?

I'll go out to brunch.

I mean, omelette stations are the greatest thing mankind has ever invented.

Better than wine?

Grayson!

I'm sorry.

It's just the sound of a sizzle of an egg on iron, the one-handed flip.

But Trav and Laurie are an amateur couple.

They're never gonna be able to pull off brunch.

It's gonna end up being frozen waffles and jello sh*ts.

[ Laughs ]

You just described my first year of marriage with Bobby.

I think they're cute.

They're trying to be a real adult couple.

Well, if she's forcing him to do a bunch of crap he doesn't want to do, then they're off to a great start.

Dude!

I'm also picking up peanut butter cups with those roses.

Aw, baby.

[ Laughs ]

Tom: [ Clears throat ]

I don't remember taking any hallucinogenic dr*gs, but why else would I be seeing you in my house?

I bought a box from you guys at the yard sale, and inside I found a manuscript for a young adult novel.

I couldn't put it down.

It's written by a Jocelyn Bradshaw, which sounds a little like a fake name you might use if you didn't want somebody to know your identity.

Mnh.

Hello, Jocelyn.

If you say one word about this, I will yank out your spine and play it like a xylophone.

You couldn't put it down?

[ Strained ] I loved it.

[ Gasps ]

It changed everything I thought I knew about interstellar romance.

Unfortunately, it's missing the last couple of chapters.

I have to know how it ends.

Oh, here's how it ends -- if you leave now, you get to keep your peanuts.

Thanks for coming, Bobby.

I have to show Stan the greatest day ever.

Of course, bud.

I love North Gulf Haven.

The sand is so soft, it doesn't even rash your butt cheeks.

Oh, prime spot!

Grab it, Bobby!

Ohh!

Sorry, sucker!

[ Laughs ]

Already starting off great!

Okay, I'll go to the car and get the rest of the stuff.

You got the keys?

Yeah, they're in the towel.

Oh, I guess it fell out.

Oh, baby!

What, did you find them?

No, this sand is so soft.

All right.

So, our food, water, chairs, beach toys, and sunscreen are in the car.

And we can't find the keys.

Which is not a problem at all, because we're having the greatest day at the beach!

Yay!

Yay!

Detergent!

All: Yay!

Who brings a watermelon to a brunch?

I figured this brunch would be so lame, I needed something that wouldn't upstage them.

It was either this or a handful of Sweet'n Low packets.

Let's just make the best of it.

Hey-o!

Brunch club! Yes!

Here. Have a La-mosa.

It's Laurie's special recipe.

But I won't tell my secret ingredient.

Okay, it's Prosecco.

It's Prosecco.

Come in, you guys! Come in.

Ooh, watermelon.

Who are these people?

Here, hold this.

Dude, that's not cool.

[ Sighs ]

Oh...

That one's Grayson's.

Yours has a J!

Wow!

You make a better foam J than I do with an actual pen.

[ Laughs ]

G is for Grayson.

Now how 'bout some fresh squeezed OJ while you nosh on those beignets, huh?

Whoo!

Whoa!

Do you want with pulp or without?

We couldn't decide which one to serve.

I like pulp, Laurie not so much.

So we figured...

Both: Let's serve both.

[ Both laugh ]

This is insane, right?

Beyond.

Laurie made rosemary-plum jam from scratch.

The only thing I've ever made from scratch is... Travis.

Babe, you got flour on your nose.

How come you never kiss flour off my nose?

Because you never have flour on your nose.

Well, if I did, would you kiss it off?

If you wanted me to, but why wouldn't you just take a n--

What are you getting at?

They're like king and queen of the bon appétit brunch club, and we walk in with a gas-station watermelon.

Technically, you walked in with the watermelon.

They're rookies, Grayson.

We're supposed to be the polished, impressive couple.

Come on.

Now get to lickin'!

What?

Lick it!

[ Grunts ]

Look, Tom, I --

What is wrong with you?

I can't believe the author of "Travelers" is actually in my garage.

Twins, separated at birth, learn they have the power to travel through time and use it to solve the mystery of their past!

Aah!

How did you even think of that?!

Well, I was, uh, lying in my bed next to a snoring Andy and a screaming baby, and I was wondering if I smothered my husband with a pillow, would it unlock a time portal to take me back to the day that Jeff Goldblum asked me to get in his car.

I said no.

Y-you have to let me read the ending.

There is no ending.

I couldn't finish.

I tried, but it made me crazy.

I stopped drinking, I was being nice to people.

It was a really, really dark time.

But Violet, Ethan, and Xander are real characters!

They deserve an ending as magical as their journey!

Give it to them, Ellie.

Give it to me.

Go get me a computer.

Yes.

And some wine.

And a Panini.

And a cashmere wrap.

And fill up my car with gas.

Oh, anything to fuel your genius.

Why are you still here?

Okay, well, the keys are officially gone, and all of our stuff is still in the car, including our wallets and phones.

Man, without chairs, toys, or food, the beach is a real son of a bitch.

What are we gonna do?

I want Stan to call me "Fun daddy," not "Incompetent boob daddy."

Well, maybe someone will let us borrow their phone.

I don't even know anyone's number without my cell.

The only number I remember is my 6th-grade girlfriend.

She's probably still mad since I broke up with her to spend more time playing Pac-Man.

At least we were able to trade our flip-flops for some water.

Look, daddy!

I'm making a river!

Oh, Stan!

And then Laurie drops her wallet...

Both: right in the fountain!

And then super stud here jumps into the fountain with all his clothes on and gets my wallet.

That's a great story.

You know, it reminds me of the romantic thing that me and Grayson did last week after lunch.

Right, Grayson?

Aw.

Oh, yeah.

After lunch, there -- we were eating.

And then there was drinks.

And you said, "Hey, babe.

Are you out of hand lotion?"

[ Chuckles ]

Right. Because your hands were so red and scaly.

So sweet.

You know what I need before I do.

Right?

[ Laughs ]

[ Clears throat ]

Bless you.

Nope. [ Chuckles ] Grayson.

[ Clears throat ]

Oh, hmm.

Sure.

I'd love another.

[ Timer beeps ]

Oh!

It's crème brûlée time.

I'll get the pastry torch.

That is our most romantic story?

Come on, we are better than this!

They're not even gonna serve the watermelon, are they?

Okay.

I'm gonna take that thing.

I'm gonna smash it over your head and make you wear it home like a helmet.

Get in the game!

Then Ethan travels back to turn-of-the-century New York, and, boom!

Discovers his true blood line.

That might be great if Ethan hadn't specifically stated his hatred of New York in chapter three.

Right.

I'm doing the best I can with this subpar Panini.

Okay, okay.

Violet leaves Xander behind to rescue Ethan.

Done.

On prom night?

You just made me and millions of teens throw down your book in disgust.

Do not mess with prom!

[ Cellphone rings ]

Sorry, Jocelyn's busy coming up with an ending that doesn't suck.

You don't plan to hobble me later, do you?

Oh, man, wrong number.

Some weird guy answered.

[ Sighs ]

Can I make another one?

You said one call.

Yeah, I -- I know, but my phone's locked in my car.

Well, you shouldn't have done that.

Oh, I shouldn't have done that!

Thanks for the tip, jerky.

Daddy, I'm hungry.

I know.

Me too, buddy.

Hey, Andy.

Looks like our "friends" packed us some sandwiches before they went swimming.

Oh, right.

That was nice of them.

Come on.

Hoagie! Jackpot!

I got chicken parm, baby!

Uh-oh.

This is not our cooler after all.

What an honest mistake.

We'll just take these drinks... and run!

Run, Stan! Go! Go!

Holy crap!

This thing is making love to my mouth!

Were these flown in from Brûlée?

[ Both laugh ]

Jules, no, I made them.

I'm sorry.

I mean, we made them.

The key is baking it until it's set but still trembling in the center.

Kind of like how I was when you first kissed me?

Aw. Come here.

Grayson and I have a dance!

Oh, boy.

Remember, we took a dance class for our wedding.

Yeah, it was one class, and we spent half the time filling out medical forms.

Follow my lead!

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Mnh.

Work it! Work it!

Act like you're enjoying it!

Whoo!

Jam on!

Why are they dancing?

No idea.

Ow! Jules, you're hurting me!

Shut up!

Dip me so they can see how in love we are.

But my back hurts.

Dip me, dumb ass!

Whoa!

Laurie: Look out for the candle.

Are you baking something rubber?

Whoa!

Jules, your hair's on fire!

Stop, drop, and run!

No! No! No! No!

Jules!

Roll! Roll!

Oh, my --

[ Laughs ]

Class dismissed.

Wow! What a disaster.

I am glad that is over.

Jules?

Pl-- Tell me it's over.

Nope.

We're stepping it up a notch.

We're having Trav and Laurie over for dinner.

What?

You mean tonight?

Mm-hmm.

No, no, no, no, no. Please, I'm tired.

Let's, um -- let's just go up to the bedroom.

We'll go to sleep.

We'll take the watermelon.

It -- it's cuddly, like -- like a baby.

Aw, as much as I'd like to cuddle with you and melon baby, we've got work to do!

We're gonna put on the greatest feast ever.

Do we have pheasant?

I don't know. Did you check the caviar drawer?

Caviar!

That's a great idea!

Okay. You're gonna need to pick up a few things from the store.

Do you think you might be taking this couples' competition thing a little too far?

There you go.

Truffles and a harp?

Find them.

So the ship comes back and Xander is dead.

No, no, no!

Also... no!

Nothing is working!

This is why I couldn't finish this in the first place!

You made me care, damn it!

We need an ending!

Too bad, Ichabod lame.

Maybe in the future, you can be the one thinking of ideas instead of...

[ Gasps ]

Wait! The future!

How did we not put this together?

The future was always the key to their past.

Faster!

Type faster!

Touch me again, and Xander gets hit by an asteroid.

Hey, baby!

A mermaid just waved at me.

She had great ta-tas!

Bobby, that's just a dead seagull with seaweed on his head.

You might have sunstroke.

Maybe it's time we break the car window and call for help.

Not yet.

We can still give Stan the best beach day ever.

Stan?

Yeah?

You find the treasure yet?

No.

Now there's two mermaids!

I think they're gonna kiss!

Okay, it might be time to go.

Hey, Stan.

Ah, hyah!

Daddy wanted to show you a fun time, but I goofed up and lost the keys.

So, let's go find the biggest rock we can and go break the car window.

You can have my keys.

You have the keys?!

You have the keys!

He had the keys!

He had the keys!

He had the keys!

He had the keys!

See you at the car!

Oh, Stan, wait!

[ Groans ]

Found the artisan salumi.

But the Scottish lobster [Chuckles] it was like 500 bucks.

I told you you could spend $1,000!

Jules, I've only been gone for like 45 minutes.

This seems a little crazy.

Well, I'll tell you who's gonna go crazy.

That's Trav and Laurie when they see that I have deveined three pounds of shrimp, whipped up a ceviche, and pounded out an abalone carpaccio.

And, why, you ask?

Two words... seafood tower!

Oh! Oh!

[ Sighs ]

Jules. What is going on?

It was all because of that stupid brunch.

Trav and Laurie are still a new couple, and they just seem so much more in sync than we are.

Why, because they throw fancy brunches?

Jules, we are an amazing couple.

Just because we don't serve crème brûlée -- which, by the way, wasn't even that great.

Well, now I know you're lying.

In one moment, I loved it more than I love you.

Okay, it was insane.

But, Jules, our relationship isn't about impressing other people.

It's about making each other happy.

And right now, I mean, besides the fact that I smell like an All-You-Can-Eat seafood platter, I'm extremely happy.

I am, too.

I love you, honey.

Aw. Baby.

Mmm.

We are so good at working out our issues.

I wish Trav and Laurie could see us do this.

Mmm.

I've got clam juice all in my shoes.

[ Chuckles ]

And with that, Xander wrapped Violet tightly in his warm arms, as Ethan looked on... from the future.

Wow!

Yeah.

That was almost as bad as when Andy recited the lyrics from "Uptown Girl" as his wedding vows.

Just hot garbage.

What should we do with it?

Burn it? Shredder?

Goat?

I wish we could teleport it to the center of the Earth.

[ Gasps ]

Wait, that's it!

Tom. It's over.

Was pretty awesome, though, right?

You and I, working together, bonding, strengthening our friendship through teen angst and Panini.

I'm about to eat that, aren't I?

Every word.

Small print?

[ Gags ]

Successful day at the beach?

Uhh...

[ Raspy ]

Yep, good day.

[ Raspy ] Epic.

Well, I'm glad I slathered sunscreen on Stan before you left, 'cause you look like a lobster that's been slapped around a little.

Okay, uh, to be honest, today was an absolute --

It was so fun!

It was?

People chased us for sandwiches, I dug for treasure, and Uncle Bobby saw a mermaid's ta-tas!

That's why Uncle Bobby lives on a land boat next to a dumpster.

Come read me a story, fun daddy!

Okay!

I'll be there in a minute!

[ Laughs ] Did you hear that?

Fun daddy!

You almost d*ed, didn't you?

An old man made me put sunscreen on his back, and all I got was a hard candy.

You like hard candies, though.

Mom?

We're here.

Ugh!

What the fuzz, Jules?

Smells like a shrimp truck jackknifed in here.

What happened?

I was trying to make a fancy dinner, but it turns out that $700 of scallops and lobster tails is... heavier than you think.

I have a bad feeling we're not gonna find all the clams.

Ew.

Wait.

Why would you go to all this trouble just for us?

You guys did such an amazing job hosting that brunch, it just made us start feeling like something was wrong with our relationship.

It just made Jules feel that way.

Mnh.

But, um, our relationship's so strong, you know, I felt it, too.

Travis: Wow!

Okay, well, uh, we have a little confession to make.

That brunch this morning that seemed so perfect?

We kind of carefully rehearsed every single moment.

Even that cool move when you almost conked him on the head with the OJ?

Yes!

I nailed him in the head, like, 14 times practicing that.

At one point, his childhood stutter came back, and I had to hit him in the head again to get it to go away.

So, is there a reason you guys didn't serve the watermelon?

Why would you rehearse for a brunch?

Well, yesterday, it just seemed like nobody would take us seriously as a couple.

So we wanted to impress you with how good we can be.

Laurie: Especially since we're always so impressed with your relationship.

I mean, aside from the weird impromptu dance party with the hair pyrotechnics, you guys are, like, the best couple we know.

Aw, did you hear that?

We're amazing!

Grayson: Mm-hmm.

Okay, can we stop trying to impress each other?

Both: Yes.

Great, because I'm starving.

Ooh, abalone carpaccio.

Dusted with, uh, peppercorn?

That's dirt.

Yeah. It's $40 a pound.

Eat it, brunch club.

I'm good.

Yeah.

Welcome, book club.

Let's dive in.

Jocelyn Bradshaw's "Travelers."

Now, as discussed, Xander is always sacrificing his own well-being in order to protect Violet's peace of mind.

That's the Christ motif that Eric mentioned.

Best example of this, chapter 10, the prom, where Xander summons the courage to slow dance with Violet even though he knows she was just in the bathroom kissing Ryder.

It's powerful stuff.

Anyway, I thought it would be kind of fun to act out this scene.

I'll play Xander.

And we need a Violet.

Who would like to play Violet?

Okay. I can play both roles.