05x13 - We Stand a Chance

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so this year's group trip, we agreed to play a game where the winner would choose the destination.

Unfortunately, we did not think it through when we chose the game, cul-de-sac crew trivia.

I smoked you, guys!

But a deal's a deal.

Tom, you picked the destination and we leave tomorrow.

Where we going, Tom?

Here.

What?

Nothing beats hanging around here with all of you!

So I didn't book a trip. We're going nowhere!

[ Scoffs ]

Tom, you're the worst!

Pbht!

Ellie: The worst!

It was meant as a sweet gesture.

I thought you'd appreciate the--

Wrong!

I'm about as popular as your fourth-grade bully...

Mackenzie Dickinson-Jones.

[ Scoffs ]

Hey.

You think the old men wash their feet before they stomp on the grapes?

[ Spits ]

Sorry.

I have a life-insurance physical today, so if I can't drink, neither can you.

I was wondering why you were eating a salad.

I got two hours to get healthy.

It's like cramming for a test.

I don't think that's how it works.

Well, good thing no one asked you.

You know, that doctor is probably gonna want a urine sample.

Yeah, so?

Do you remember last night when you had a giant freak-out over the idea that we all might be figments of Tom's imagination, then suddenly... you became totally relaxed?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I dosed your wine with happy pills.

You spiked my wine?!

I have a physical in two hours!

If I go in there with happy-pill pee, my life-insurance rates are gonna go way up!

White-people problems-- am I right?

There's only one responsible thing to do.

I need your sample.

If I took the time to mortar-and-pestle two dozen pills, I had some.

But I will take back my tupperware.

Well, my pee is super clean, honey.

Works for me! Fill 'er up!

If I don't have to pee, then I get to drink wine!

They say a glass of wine a day is healthy.

Bull's-eye!

I win, liver-lips.

That dart board was a great idea, G-man.

There's nothing like sucking down brews and tossing around tiny, little metal spears.

Grayson: Definitely.

It's the off-season for my hockey league, and I really miss being competitive.

I got an idea.

I been hanging out at this new gym, you know, to shower and to borrow those giant rolls of TP.

But they got this two-on-two basketball league, and I could sign us up.

Ooh! Sign me up. I am in!

Oh! Get that out of there, sucker!

This is my house!

Get that weak crap out of here!

Yes, sir.

Well, it sure would be great if I wasn't surrounded by jerks!

Whoa, Ando, what's wrong?

Sorry, I've just been doing really terrible at work.

I'm scared I'm gonna get laid off.

My boss posted a ranking of everyone's performance numbers for the month.

Did you come in last?

They forgot to put me on the list.

I need to bring in a new, big-money investor soon, or I'm in trouble.

White people's problems-- am I right?

Yes, sir!

Have you been exercising?

[ Chuckles ]

I'm wearing my workout clothes, so... duh.

And how many drinks do you have per week?

I'm sorry. What?

Alcoholic drinks. How many per week?

[ Scoffs, chuckles ]

Uh, you know, I have the occasional glass of wine with my friends.

All that's left is to get a urine sample.

Okay, well, I'm ready to make one, you know, from my body.

You just tell me where I can go to pee my own pee.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Bobby Cobb. We're here for basketball.

You mean break dancing.

Uh, no, I signed up for basketball.

No, you signed up for break dancing.

Ma'am, clearly, I didn't. I said--

sh**t.

Maybe I shouldn't fill out forms while I'm washing three puppies in the sink.

Uh, can we get a refund, then?

No refunds.

This stinks.

Geez. I'm sorry, G-man.

I know you were looking forward to some competition.

Take it easy, old man.

Man: Hey, man, what's up?

Uh [Chuckles] we're only 44, FYI.

[ Chuckles ] "Old man." That's a laugh.

Yo, I think you forgot your walker.

All: Ohh!

[ Laughter ]

Uh [Chuckles] I will have you know I did a little breakin' back in my day, so you just might want to watch your step before I bust a sweet move in your face.

All: Ohh! [ Laughter ]

Man: "In your face."

Okay. That's it.

It's a break-off-- me and my boy versus you and your crew.

It is on.

All: Ooh.

But not now.

It's not on yet, because we have to stretch first and then work out our routine, and then when we come back after that, it's on.

Yeah! [ Laughs ]

Oh, what have I gotten us into?

I do not know!

Either of you got a few hundred grand sitting around?

Absolutely. That's why I'm wearing this apron.

[ Sighs ] I need new clients, bad-- preferably millionaires.

When I was a broke-ass foster kid, my favorite thing was playing millionaire!

I was Buffy McRichDollar, world-famous model, actress, make-out champion, part-time co-host of Entertainment Tonight, and on-again, off-again girlfriend of Ricardo Montalban.

Wait. That's it!

You and Trav can come in, pretend to be a rich couple who wants to invest with me!

Come on. Who's gonna believe us as rich?

Because of the internet, most of today's millionaires are snot-nosed punks, just like you!

What do you say, babe?

Will you marry me and my millions of dollars?

Oh, Travis, yes!

Yes, a thousand times yes!

My career's hit bottom.

[ Sighs ]

I'm so glad my physical's done.

Being healthy was rough.

You mean putting on gym clothes and eating half a salad?

Yeah! It was terrible!

Mmm.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Mm, there's my doc now.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

What's up, doc? [ Chuckles sarcastically ]

I got the test results from your physical, and everything looks good.

No surprise there! I'm a total health nut.

Uh, there is one thing, however, and, uh, I was a little surprised to see it, so I re-tested and, uh, got the same result.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Uh, thank you.

What is it? Is everything okay?

I'm pregnant.

You're not pregnant.

He wasn't testing your sample, remember?

[ Sighs, chuckles ] Oh, my God! Wow.

[ Laughing ] That is such a relief!

Whew!

But...

Laurie's pregnant!

Okay. Let's break this down.

Laurie's pregnant. Trav knocked her up.

She's pregnant with Trav's child.

Well, assuming it's his.

Which, obviously, it is.

I mean, Laurie is a very classy girl.

Hold on to your honks, ladies.

We got big news.

Bobby and I just-- get this-- challenged a bunch of kids to a break-dance contest!

But G-man here's teaching me.

He was a member of a real, live breaking crew.

He-- he taught me how to robot.

[ b*at-boxing ]

Laurie and Travis are pregnant.

[ Sputters ]

You two look like a couple of asses right now.

Whoa, Jules, you sure?

Yes. I had a container of Laurie's pee.

That's not the point.

Yes, I'm sure.

And Trav and Laurie have no idea, and I have no idea how to tell them.

We have to keep this quiet until I can tell them, so only the four of us can know.

Tom?

I can keep a secret.

Thanks again for doing this.

I really need to convince my boss that I can bring in some big-time clients.

Let's talk about your characters.

In order for this to work, you must believe you are these people.

Laurie, what's your name?

I-I don't-- I just got this.

That's no excuse! What's your name?

Brittany Huffington.

From?

Toronto.

Former?

Beauty queen.

And?

Weather girl.

Now? - Enjoys breeding yorkies and being a trophy wife.

Travis.

I am Tavis Crob.

From?

Florida.

Spent all your time on hers, huh?

Made millions from an iPhone app called Pancake Party?

What is that?

I don't know, but the kids can't stop buying it.

Well, that's good, 'cause it looks like my wife could use a new pony!

[ Nasally ] Oh, Tavis... you're so good to me.

[ Chuckles ]

Could you give me a moment alone with my wife? Thanks. - Yeah.

Is this good news, or is it bad news?

How are they gonna take this?

Jules: I have no idea!

I know Travis and Laurie care for each other, but I don't know how much they've seriously considered a future together.

How do I break the news?

Break what news to who?

Mrs. Goldstein... that her husband is gay.

Well, on a happier relationship note, Laurie and I have taken a big step.

We decided to get pretend-married!

But pretend marriage is hard work, y'all!

That's why we need to pound some serious grape.

Jules, what the F-train?

We're out of wine.

That bottle's pretty much full.

No, I spit in this one, you know, 'cause I do that sometimes.

Okay, really gross.

Mom, we got to go raid your closet because we need to find a classy purse.

Yeah, all my purses are either dayglo or held up in a police-evidence locker, so...

[ Chuckles ] Shall we, my husband?

After you, my lovely wife.

Thank you.

Well, that's a great sign, right?

I mean, Laurie and Travis are pretend-married!

Unfortunately, a real child born into a pretend marriage is still technically a bastard...

Oh.

...in case anyone was wondering.

I was mildly curious.

You know what I just realized?

If Travis has a baby, that makes me a granddaddy.

And I'll be married to a grandma... which makes me a grandpa.

Look at you two-- a pair of sweet, old grandpappies!

Might I trouble one of you for a Werther's Original?

[ Laughs ]

Man, a few hours ago, we were about to throw down in a breaking competition, and now we're grandpas.

Grandpas don't belong in breaking battles.

They're fragile, and loud music frightens them.

Man, why is my neck so stiff? I'm so sore.

That would be joint inflammation, one of the common symptoms of growing really old-- also, vision problems, loose bowels, turkey neck, growing enlargement of the mons pubis...

Okay, my boss will be here any minute.

You guys ready?

All set!

Oh, FYI, I made a few tweaks to my character.

Tavis made millions on Pancake Party, but what's next?

I'll tell you what-- moving to New York to become a world-class photographer.

[ Nasally ] Hold the phone, Tavis.

Who in their right mind would want to live in New York City?

[ Chuckles ] Uh, me.

To be a legit photographer, it's New York or nothing, so...

[ Normal voice ] Wait a-- wait a second. Sorry.

Are you saying that you, Travis Cobb-- like, you really want to move to New York?

Definitely.

I want to live in the country.

Right, because there's a ton of great photography happening in the country.

"Ma'am, for this next sh*t, you mind putting the pig on your husband's lap?"

Well, I'm not raising our five kids in New York City.

Let's keep this to Brittany and-- and--

Five kids?!

Are you insane?

You think that my dream for our future is insane?!

Insane, dumb, cliché...

You know what?! Screw you, Travis!

Why don't you take your pasty ass to New York?

Hey, knock yourself out!

Wait. Those are my car keys.

Have fun walking!

Hey--

Jules, what's going on?

I didn't know how to tell Trav and Laurie that they were pregnant, because I didn't know how they'd react.

But they're doing so great--

I mean, pretend-marriage great-- that I thought, "Well, this is exciting news!"

So how do you deliver exciting news?

You do it with a party!

Jules, didn't you get any of my texts?!

Laurie and Trav had a huge blowup-- like, "This could be the end" huge!

Trav's right behind me! He'll be here any second!

k*ll the party. Everyone grab something.

I'll grab the wine!

I got the food!

Ohh, God.

Hey, Trav. What's going on?

Well, let's see.

Pretty sure Laurie and I just broke up.

[ Sighs ] So there's that.

I'll be upstairs.

[ All gasp ]

Sorry. It's... just really tense here.

I was trying to find the perfect setting, and now I just don't know what to do.

I mean, I know I have to tell them.

Or-- a different approach-- we hop into a car, drive west, and never look back.

Don't joke.

I packed my "Thelma & Louise" bag six years ago.

Say the word, I'll go grab it.

No, wait, I can't!

I've got to go find Laurie and Travis.

Oh, this is gonna be so hard.

We can kiss every time we cross a state line.

[ Groans ]

Get out of here, dumb balloons!

You sit around all day doing nothing.

Why don't you go make something of yourselves?

Would you stop yelling?

I mean, are you trying to give me a migraine?

What are you two being so cranky about?

Ever since we found out we're gonna be granddads, we've just felt... old.

Well, you make that sound like a dirty word.

It just feels like everything changes now, you know?

Earlier, we were ready to go get crazy at a stupid break battle.

Doing stupid, crazy things-- that's what keeps you young.

Age really is all right up here.

Yeah.

I mean, my moves are no less dope than they were this morning, right?

Crazy, stupid stuff's my middle name!

[ Chuckles ]

What do you say, Party Train?

Does this look like a robot?

[ Chuckles ]

Beep, boop, beep, my friend.

Let's do it!

Let's do it!

Hey, hey, Bubba!

How you holding up?

You want to talk it out?

Oh, uh, thanks, but I don't want to burden you with this.

I am your grandfather.

My back is genetically engineered to carry your burden.

Lay it on me.

I guess we should've talked about this stuff sooner.

I just felt like we would always be compatible.

What'd you want to talk to me about?

Let's wait till Travis gets here, okay?

Oh, here he is.

Hey, guys. - Hey. So, there's something I need to tell you both.

Okay, but can it wait?

I need to talk to Laurie about something first.

Okay.

Look, I hope you're not still mad.

I mean, it's kind of crazy we got in a fight over imaginary stuff.

Honey, it's not imaginary stuff.

It feels like you and I want different things in our lives, and... that really scares me.

I know. Me too.

I mean, but I was talking to Chick about... you know, how I wanted to move to New York to follow my dream, and he told me to imagine my life exactly how I wanted it, and then picture it without you.

[ Voice breaking ] I realized that being a photographer isn't my dream.

You are.

And it doesn't really matter how many great things happen to me.

If you're... not at the center of it, it's not gonna mean anything.

I love you, Laurie.

God, Travis...

I love you, too.

Hey, I don't mean to ruin the moment, but is this the first time you've said "I love you" to each other?

Yes, it is, and yes, you did.

Oh, my God. This is so exciting! Okay.

It's time to tell you the news, except for this is not the right atmosphere.

Okay. Can you just give me just a minute?

[ Dance music playing ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Look who it is.

You guys still want to do this?

Yo... B-nice.

What's up, Party Train?

Why don't you help me break 'em off a little somethin' like this?

[ Haddaway's "What Is Love" playing ]

Bobby: Ohh!

Ohh!

Yeah!

♪ what is love? ♪
♪ baby, don't hurt me ♪

Grayson: Ohh! What?!

No, you didn't!

Yes, I did!

♪ don't hurt me no more ♪
♪ what is love? ♪
♪ baby, don't hurt me ♪
♪ don't hurt me no more ♪
♪ baby, don't hurt me ♪
♪ don't hurt me no more ♪
♪ baby, don't hurt me ♪

Yeah! What?! Yeah!

♪ don't hurt me no more ♪

[ Laughter ]

Whew!

I hope you enjoyed your meal, 'cause you just... got... served!

[ Scoffs ] [ Clean Bandit's "Rather Be" plays ]

♪ with every step you take ♪
♪ Kyoto to the Bay ♪
♪ strolling so casually ♪

Oh, man. They are so much better than us.

This-- this really is quite a hearty serving.

♪ it's a sh*t in the dark, but I'll make it ♪

Oh.

Oh. Go on.

Sorry to waste your time!

♪ when I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be ♪

Okay.

I have something to tell you, but I wanted the setting to be right.

So, come on.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laurie chuckles ]

What's going on?

As you know, I recently went to the doctor with a container of Laurie's pee.

You don't need to keep mentioning that.

It's part of the story!

[ Sighs ]

The important part is...

Laurie, you're pregnant.

♪ the earth is warm... ♪

Sh-- she's pregnant?

I know it's a shock, but please know that we will always be there to love and support you with anything that you need.

You guys okay?

I feel like I just got hit in the face with a 2x4-- and yes, I know what that feels like.

I love you.

And, uh... right now, I honestly don't think there's anything we can't handle together.

Me too.

♪ I feel like I am watching everything from space ♪

Kiss, kiss, kiss!

Yeah!

[ All cheering ]

Yeah!

This is exciting.

Yeah, I'd be more excited if I knew a friendly millionaire.

What about me?

You're a millionaire?

Well, I'm a brain surgeon, and my largest personal expense is doll clothes.

Tom... let's talk.

[ All speaking indistinctly ]

How you feeling, sweetheart?

I'm terrified.

That's understandable.

So I will just tell you the same thing I told you when you found out you were pregnant 22 years ago.

It's gonna be okay.

Your family loves you, and we'll always be right by your side.

And, believe it or not, there may come a day when you look back and realize that this was the best thing that ever happened to you.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Bobby: Tommy!

Congratulations.

You're the smartest dad ever.

I agree.

[ Both laugh ]

I love you.

I love you, too, Junebug.

Or should I say grandma?

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ]

Let me get you a glass of wine.

Yeah, give me a big one.

[ Laughs ]

What does that make you-- great-grandpa?

Great. Just great.

♪ so take a deep breath, take in all that you could want ♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, that was an eventful year, everyone.

[ As Jules ] Oh, it sure was.

I broke my wrist catching Trav and Laurie in the shower.

[ As Travis ] That was no towel rack.

[ As Bobby ] And I got puppies!

[ As Laurie ] And then we made out to get Stan into private school.

[ Smooches ]

Oh, that was hot!

And now Chick has moved in, and Trav and Laurie are gonna have a baby.

[ As Jules ] That's too many people in the g*ng.

Somebody has to go.

[ As Ellie ] Well, I nominate Dime Eyes!

[ As Laurie ] Okay.

[ As Travis ] Okay.

[ As Ellie ] Change approved!

[ As Grayson ] Ohh, now I have to go get more whitening strips and hair gel.

Aah!