01x04 - The Lockout

[bunniefuu]

This is so gross.

I don't understand why they don't just hire an exterminator.

It's like, what is my rent even going to?

Well, they gave you the bug bombs for free, right?

Yeah, great, so, like, everyone in the building can just, like, mass m*rder all their own cockroaches?

Ridiculous.

Coming up on 1600 hours here.

No, 4:00 p.m. sharp, are you kidding?

Everyone in the building is doing it at 4:00 p.m. sharp.

That-- that's what that is, 4:00.

Okay, I knew that.

Zero dark thirty!

Zero dark 29!

Zero dark 28!

Zero dark 27!

Zero dark 26!

... Zero dark three!

Zero dark two!

Zero dark one!

Zero dark zero!

Go! Go!

Go, go, go!

Oh.

Hey.

What's up, Jer?

That's crazy.

Nothing like the smell of a million dead bugs in the morning, right?

I know.

It's like an insect holocaust in here or something.

It would make us Mr. and Mrs. Hit-- h*tler.

Like Nazis?

Yeah, like the--

I mean, I just was--

Yeah, have a good 24 hours.

I wouldn't--

(coughing violently)

It's in my mouth!

♪ Four and the and two and one, one ♪

And another thing, I know a girl who returned a vacuum after three years of using it, dude.

They just gave her her money back.

They really care about their customers.

Okay, Ab, you know, you're spending the entire weekend at my place, just--

Spread out the Bed Bath & Beyond lectures.

I love the place, you know?

I just.

Yeah, fine, I just have a lot more to say about it, so.

Great, you should tell me more while I transform my room into a walk-in closet.

Dude, you're not doing the pole right now.

It's gonna take me ten minutes, dude.

Okay, it's gonna take you three months, like everything does.

Did you forget about my art show?

No, no.

This is a big deal.

Your first gallery opening is...

I mean, this is the biggest moment of our lives.

It's my life, but--

I mean, you're with-- you're with me.

So when we get inside, I'm gonna shower first, okay, and then I'm gonna pluck my eyebrows, get my make-up on.

I'll Nair, like, a bunch of different areas.

Maybe you could massage my shoulders for a second, but, like, not like last time 'cause that wasn't cool.

Abbi, I have some bad news, but it's white people problems, so let's see if you can keep it in perspective.

I-- I don't have my key.

Okay, first of all, I'm allowed to be upset even though I'm white.

Typical h*nky.

All right, we don't have time to be locked out.

Is Jaime home?

He is in Vermont for a straight wedding.

Let's just call a locksmith.

No, I'm not calling a locksmith.

They take forever to get here.

I think we can get in--

We have street smarts.

All right, there's got to be at least, like, one person home in your building, right?

Yeah, just a--

Hey, don't, don't--

Use the wood, dude.

Oh, my God, all right.

Wood, I mean...

(electric buzzing) Jesus!

Okay, okay, you need to move at some point.

I know.

All right.

Where's your fire escape?

Okay, hands on my shoulders on three.

One, two...

Jesus.

Sorry, I released too early.

Okay, we got this.

One, two...

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

(grunting) Just one pull-up.

I should be supporting myself-- dude, I work at a gym.

There are so many upper-body strength classes.

Okay, you got it?

You got it?

Do you have me?

Here, I got you.

Okay.

I don't think it's gonna work out.

(laughing) That was my bad, dude.

Okay, you just, like--

You just went up inside me.

Okay.

That's just what happened.

It was honestly not intentional.

It was natural for me.

Okay, who would you rather have go down on you?

Michael Buble or Janet Jackson?

Oh, okay.

What Buble are we talking about, though?

I don't know, the optimal Michael Buble.

His weight fluctuates.

Yeah.

So does hers.

Yeah.

So does mine.

Yeah.

But then again, Michael Buble is, like, such a crooner.

I feel like he could do stuff with his mouth that, like, most people couldn't.

Somebody call a locksmith?

Yeah.

I'm gonna look disgusting for tonight is all.

No, you're gonna look hot and cool.

Your shower is just a lockpick away.

Very hot.

Very cool.

What's your name, sweetheart?

Uh...

Yolanda.

Yolanda.

So where is it you sleep?

What?

Which apartment's yours?

Um...

Do you have any, like, credentials?

Or, like, a license to be a locksmith that you could just show us?

No, the only thing you need to be a locksmith is you gotta want it.

Real bad.

That one.

Yeah, it's this one, the 6--

6C.

(amorous groaning)

They call this a whore door.

'Cause it's so easy.

Okay.

Thank you for your terrifying services and don't call us, we'll call you.

Oh yeah.

Oh, you'll call me, huh?

(whistling)

God.

Look at this gorgeous immigrant family.

At least they're not home.

How do I not know them?

I don't know.

New Yorkers don't usually know their neighbors.

Except for me and Jeremy, just 'cause that's a special relationship.

Yeah, I would know Jeremy, too.

I'd know him in and up and all around.

Cute little Mexican candies.

They're Nerds.

I am the problem.

I am gentrification, you know.

In three generations, gentrification is gonna be a non-issue because statistically, we're headed toward an age where everybody's gonna be like caramel and q*eer and everybody's gonna live where they're gonna--

(doorknob turning)

What the hell is this?

I live next door, I live here!

I've never seen you before!

We got locked out and I was gonna make my room a walk-in closet and--

Robbers!

(screaming)

I'm gonna sh**t you in your face!

Wait, wait!

I can prove that I live here, okay?

Uh...

Three-- three months ago, that old white dude was found chopped up in our dumpster.

That happens all the time in Gowanus.

Okay.

Last week, one of you farted and I heard it 'cause the walls are so thin and I laughed and then you heard me, so you laughed.

That did happen.

Why are you in our apartment then?

We got locked out and we called this locksmith and he was really scary, he was so creepy.

We couldn't let him into our apartment, so we had him let us in, uh, to your--

Unbelievable!

Now that I say it out loud, I realize I led the creepy dude to your apartment and I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

'Cause of the--

I threw up.

'Cause of the--

It was because of the mace.

'Cause I never thought--

I haven't thrown up in like a year, I'm so sorry.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry I got you maced.

That's okay.

It's not your fault.

We're just technically homeless right now, so.

Ben Affleck was homeless for a night for charity.

We're, like, doing that, just involuntarily.

Yeah, we're just a regular Matt and Ben.

Exactly what's happening.

(beeping)

(beeping)

Oh, God.

I am--

I'm so sorry.

Listen, don't mess this up for me.

I'm gonna be a teacher here one day.

We are just gonna shower really quick and get to the gallery, and honestly, probably look better than if we hadn't been maced 'cause our pores are tight and burning.

It's like we had a chemical peel.

I-- I highly doubt that, so going right to the locker room, if anyone sees me, it's gonna be a whole thing.

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, my God, there's Trey.

Gonna really feel it in those glutes, okay?

Okay, give me your stuff, give me your stuff.

I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out.

Trey: Hey, Ab.

Hey.

Trey, I didn't think--

Whoa.

What happened to your face?

Oh, it's-- It's really embarrassing, actually.

I was-- I was doing parkour just now.

Abbi, that's great.

Using the city as your gym, very solstice.

I did a backflip... off of a car and I fell right into a fire hydrant.

That's-- It's a pretty advanced technique.

You can't take a break from fitness, that's what I say.

To myself.

I wish I was as strong as you.

I mean, sometimes I just go to Quizno's and I go nuts.

It's bad.

Quizno's is my guilty pleasure.

Dennis, relax that face, buddy, okay?

Relax that face.

While I'm here, you know what, I should check out the locker room just to make sure that it's, like, up to code, nice and clean, just the way you like it, I'm gonna check it out.

I'm gonna stop you right there, Ab.

I know what this is really about.

You're afraid of your own failure.

Abbi, parkour is terrifying, I know.

But you've got to get back on that urban jungle.

I guess so.

I'm glad to hear you say that 'cause I'm gonna walk you out and watch you do it, all right, come on.

Okay.

Dennis, keep squatting, I'm gonna do some parkour.

(classical music playing)

Kiehl's.

Oh, yeah.

All right, you speak parkour, right?

Yeah, totally.

Awesome.

Show me a tic-tac on the hydrant.

Come on.

Okay, tic-tac.

Yeah.

Um...

Okay.

That's-- That's pretty good.

Do a cat pass under the hood.

Cat pass?

Do a cat pass.

Okay.

Beautiful.

I want you to tic-tac right over the car.

Tic-tac right over.

Abbi, you're overcoming your fear, all right?

Don't give up now, Abbi.

You've got this.

Arch that back, arch that back.

That's a good hostage, okay.

Come down and do a spit roast.

You know what?

Your full body is involved, so that's good.

Beautiful, Abbi.

Picabo Street.

Abbi, you are a natural traceur.

I want to see a jack in the pulpit in the bikes.

Jack in the pulpit.

Yeah.

Totally.

Okay, yeah, pump it.

It's very Grecian.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, good.

Now I want you to do a Kong jump and a back handspring off the car, but don't let me anticipate the movement.

You know, I-- I bet you that Dennis is not squatting anymore.

Anticipation.

Abbi, that's the makings of a great trainer.

I think that I know--

Thank God I am one.

Hasta la vista, Abbi.

Dennis!

♪

We are officially homeless.

No, dude, we are standing and awake.

You gotta be lying down to be really homeless.

Sorry.

Or officially dicks.

You know what?

This is insane.

I'm changing here, just, like, cover me.

This is, like, getting to be ridiculous.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Ilana.

What did you do?

That solstice, like...

They should, like, give you containers for--

You know, for--

For what?

Stealing lotion?

What did you put it in?

Those, like, plastic bags.

Okay.

The plastic bags are for swimsuits and, like, dirty gym clothes, not for loose goo.

Just an FYI, okay?

This is just insane.

I know.

I can't believe that I'm gonna go to my first gallery show looking like this.

You're ruining my big break.

I mean, look-- look at me, I look like garbage.

You know what?

I'm going in.

Wait.

What?

This is the gallery?

Yeah.

This is a sandwich shop.

Or it's a gallery after 8:00

'cause they make people put their laptops away.

You have been busting my balls all day over a sandwich shop?

You know what, dude?

I think I want you to stay out here, 'cause I definitely don't want you coming in there if you're not gonna be supportive.

Oh, I will absolutely be coming in.

Oh, Jesus.

You know what?

Fine.

I'll just park myself out here while you do your thing and you know what?

In the meantime, I can just watch your bag and make sure nobody touches it.

Fine, thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome.

I appreciate it.

Anytime!

God.

♪ My eyes cannot see the pain ♪
♪ I walk in the dark I cry I'm sorry, can I help you?

Oh, I'm one of the artists.

One of the sandwich artists?

No, I'm one of the-- the artist artists.

Have any of the pieces sold yet?

I know it's early.

I haven't heard anything.

But I highly doubt it.

Well, no, it's just that people don't really come in here for the art.

We're a sandwich shop.

So we sell food.

Would you like some?

Are they... free sandwiches?

You can order and then pay.

Okay, so how it usually works.

It's-- Yeah.

High-quality lotion, I'm gonna take the lotion.

God.

(scoffs) Gallery.

Step into reality.

Oh.

Ilana?

Are you eating garbage bagels?

Why are you here?

Abbi sent me a Facebook invite to her gallery debut.

Do you... look... crazy?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I do.

I got locked out and then I--

I just, like, ruined her night completely.

I'm an idiot, I'm like a dumb ass.

I, like, can't function.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

Nobody's perfect.

I'm not a perfect dentist.

I eat candy all the time.

I got, like, six cavities.

Thanks-- thanks for--

Ahh!

Ooh, what?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

The keys to my apartment.

Don't you ever tell Abbi.

You can't ever tell her.

You can't ever tell her this, this is--

I won't tell Abbi, but I've told you several times and I'll tell you again, phone, keys, wallet--

Every time.

Phone, keys, wallet, P-K-W.

Your brain is a muscle, Ilana, and I feel like that muscle isn't getting enough exercise.

You need to do your brain kegels.

And five.

Crushed it.

That's my-- my drawing up there.

You're in a good spot for it.

I'll take the hamburger.

Oh, that's actually not a menu item.

It's art.

We're actually a vegan sandwich place.

I mean, I guess it's, like, ironic or something.

Abbi's right.

I'm not gonna make my room a walk-in closet.

I was always anti- that idea.

Who would want to live in a closet?

Oh, my God.

Because then I would be closeted.

I was thinking more like who would want to live amongst their clothes, but also what you said.

Either one.

Let's just go in here.

Okay, yeah.

Is that lotion?

Yeah.

God, these bagels here are, like, very good, so.

How's the, um, gallery going?

It's not a gallery.

It's a sandwich shop, you were right.

And they don't really--

They don't even have meat, so I don't know if I would even consider it a sandwich shop, but... I'm sorry I was a bitch.

Don't even worry about it, you know?

When a friend makes a mistake, you forgive them blindly, right?

Cool, yeah.

I'm gonna go take a dump.

Oh... cool, cool.

Hey Abbi, you gotta start somewhere.

And look at the Hardy boys.

They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them.

Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters, but I appreciate the... sentiment behind it.

Thanks for coming, Lincoln.

Thanks for inviting me.

They wouldn't accept me in the bathroom, so I'll just go at your place.

We're staying over, by the way.

Sleepover! Yes.

I need this day to end.

Hey, your drawing sold.

Oh, my gosh!

I think I'm gonna solstice--

I mean, focus on my art.

So you have two options.

You can take your cut of the proceeds, which are 17.50, or you can get a credit for, like, three sandwiches.

17.50.

Yeah.

Okay.

And there's no meat.

No.

Okay, how big are the sandwiches?

Like, substantial?

We-- Sometimes.

That's not--

That's not like a sandwich.

That's a teeny sandwich, right?

People are full on that.

Okay, well, I'm not normal people.

Okay.

I don't--

Tofu is in them.

Is it thick?

I don't know the degree of tofu-ness.

You have no idea the degree.

There should be some sort of scale.

Okay, to-go coffee mugs, you guys must have that.

Do you know what a sandwich is?

Do you?

'Cause you don't have any meat in them.

There's no meat in the sandwiches.

Just an FYI, that makes the sandwich.

That's funny.

Do you guys have Naked juices?

Hello.

Oh, so you bought the drawing.

Two of my favorite things.

Art and Abbi?

Um, hamburgers and Abbi.

Oh.

Okay, I just--

I kind of want to hold it.

All right.

(whistling)

man: Yolanda.

Yolanda.

I wanna pick your little keyhole...

Ahh!

Yolanda!

No!

Yolanda!

Why?

Why?

It's just a keyhole!

Why?

Why?

(man screaming)