01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

You know who I got a thing for?

The new anchor on Action News.

Oh, little blonde girl. She's cute.

Yeah, plus I get an idea that she'd be nice behind the scenes.

Like, the crew would love her. You know what I mean?

Do you know who I got a thing for?

Who?

The new sports guy on W.G.N.

That guy? I don't think he's gay, dude.

Oh, he's gay.

How do you know?

He knows.

He's the d*ck whisperer.

[Chuckles]

Yes, I am.

Besides, I slept with him last week.

Shut up!

All right, you two. I need you to go down to headquarters.

You got a new guy coming on the rig.

And you best be on time.

I hear he's an ex-Navy SEAL.

No.

Oh, no, come on.

This guy's gonna be a pain in the ass.

We need a little discipline around here.

Step up your game a little bit.

Oh, man, my game is great. I was already in the m*llitary.

Yeah, well, whatever. That's what you say.

Teach you something. We need a little discipline around here.

Is that what you're calling it these days?

You guys want a tootsie roll, eh?

Oh, tootsie roll, tootsie roll. You are delicious and timeless.

I thought I heard that you were with the Navy SEALs.

Navy? No, no. Easter seals.

I volunteered. This is so cool.

First day on the job. Do you guys Facebook?

No. No, I don't Facebook. I don't do regular books.

I eat, and I sleep, and I save lives.

He's a very complicated man.

Hey, I control technology.

I don't let technology control me.

Oh, that means that he can access online p*rn from his phone while he's driving.

Yeah, there's gotta be some kind of fancy name for that, right?

Last time I checked, it was still called "jerking off."

Chicago north 115, report of possible heart att*ck, corner of Lincoln, Jefferson.

Ambulance 14 responding.

Here, hold that.

Hang on, easter seal. I know a shortcut.

[Siren wails]

Ooh.

[Tires squeal]

Look out, tow truck, tow truck!

[Horn blares]

[Laughs]

Wow.

Here, give me the coffee. Might want to say a rosary too.

This coming from the guy who doesn't believe in God.

I didn't say I don't believe in God.

I said I believe that Michael Jordan is God.

Oh, then why aren't you wearing a scottie pippin medal around your neck instead of St. Jude?

Right. Who's complicated now, assh*le?

[Both chuckle]

Victim appears not to be breathing.

Like you don't download p*rn to your phone.

Oh, I try to keep my phone away from my d*ck.

He always wants to call my ex.

[Both laugh]

[Siren wailing]

[Tires squealing]

He just fell down like he was having a heart att*ck!

Is he conscious?

No. He hit his head when he fell.

Uh-huh. Make a hole! Let's move, move, move.

Give him some space. He's been making weird noises.

How you doing, buddy?

Buddy, you awake?

Fire up the toaster, Brian.

Yeah, he doesn't have a pulse.

Hey. Full charge.

Here, Brian. Here.

Okay.

Brian. I need the pads.

Here.

Come on, God damn...

Okay.

Brian?

[Beeping]

We're waiting on you, Bri.

Okay.

[Whirring]

Clear.

k*ll the toaster.

John?

Just give me a second, buddy.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

[Coughing]

Oh!

Ooh.

Hey.

[Applause]

Holy sh*t.

How you doing?

How did you know that that was a food allergy?

Go. Go.

Oh.

Uh, well, the... The swelling in the lips.

And he had this rash.

My dad had food allergies.

He was allergic to shellfish and peanuts and marriage, apparently.

[Both chuckle]

Oh, this is my new partner, Danny.

How you doing?

Good. How you doing?

This is our new guy. Brian.

Hey. How's it hanging, Bri?

It's, uh...

Ah!

Good.

Look, I don't know what she's telling you about me, but...

Not a lot.

Really?

Great EMT.

She really hasn't said anything...

Nothing negative about me at all? Come on.

She mentioned the car crash last week, where you rescued the driver just seconds before the car exploded.

Which was amazing.

And what's even more amazing is that he can instantaneously dive into a burning wreck to save the life of a complete stranger.

But when it comes to moving in with his girlfriend of three years, he remains undecided.

[All chuckle]

We're on a break.

Uh, well, we need a statement from security.

Nice meeting you, Johnny.

You too, Donny.

Danny.

So, uh...

Hi. Hi.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

Your vest looks nice today.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

So are you, uh, doing okay?

I'm... yeah, I'm good.

Good.

You?

What if I was to say... No?

[Groans] No.

Please tell me I'm not an idiot.

You're not an idiot.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

She... she wouldn't have said all that stuff about me to what's-his-face if she didn't still care about me, obviously.

Alternative theory.

It's part of her secret evil plan to get in her new partner Denzel's pants.

Uh, Danny. Pretty sure it was Danny.

Oh, Denzel to me.

Hot, mo' better blues Denzel, with just a touch of Terrence Howard.

You really think he looked like Denzel?

Devil in a blue dress, dead ringer, bro. Bandages.

What's your name, sir? Pete.

Okay, Pete. You're doing great.

We're gonna patch you up real good now.

I got your cell phone here.

Who do you call in case of emergency?

My brother. He's listed under I.C.E.

"In case of emergency." Nicely done, Pete.

Safety gold star for you.

I don't think he looked like Denzel.

I think he looked like Dennis Rodman, maybe.

That's 'cause you're looking at him through angry ex-boyfriend cock goggles.

Take it from me as your best friend who's looking at him through single, extremely horny gay goggles: He's hot.

Denzel-banging-Hollywood-b*tches hot.

I'm gay, by the way.

Oh.

You seem surprised.

[Laughs] No.

Yes. [Mutters]

Theresa's still your I.C.E., isn't she?

Stupid g*dd*mn question.

You know who I think is a good-looking guy?

Tim Tebow.

Plus he seems so nice.

Who's your I.C.E., Brian?

My mom.

Your mom?

Well, she lives right upstairs.

You still live with your parents?

[Laughs] No.

Nah, they live upstairs, I live downstairs.

It's a whole separate floor.

You got a girlfriend?

I had one.

We just broke up. She, uh...

She got too clingy.

Your girlfriend's too clingy, Tim Tebow is handsome, you sport... let me guess...

Something from the Calvin Klein family of colognes?

Rampage.

I got a better sh*t of getting some p*ssy tonight than you, and all I'm thinking about is Denzel's lips.

Ah, can we stop calling him Denzel?

I thought he looked like a young, more muscley Harry Belafonte.

How do you even know who Harry Belafonte is?

'Cause he's watching TV with his parents.

[Siren wails]

You really think he looked like Denzel?

Brian, get us some Gatorades.

Gatorade prime, Gatorade performance, or Gatorade recover?

Let's go with yellow.

I like yellow.

'Kay.

I know, I know.

You know, don't judge me.

Do you remember how long it took you to get over Jeff the chef?

Two days and a weekend trip to Miami.

Which, in gay man's time, is like six g*dd*mn months.

So not cool, bro. True, but not cool.

It's just... She was my everything.

And yeah, she's still my I.C.E.

Which is ridiculous.

I chucked Jeff the chef as my I.C.E.

A week before I kicked his pretty ass out.

Who's your I.C.E. Now?

I haven't decided.

You know what we should do is we should forget about these girlfriends and these boyfriends, and we should be each other's I.C.E.

[Laughs] That's funny.

What? I'm not good enough for you?

Oh, listen, look.

I want the person I call in a life-and-death situation to be someone special.

Not Jeff the chef, who cheated on me with a busboy.

Someone honest and true.

Someone who is going to sit there and take my hand, lead me through to the other side by leaning down and whispering into my ear, telling me how much they feel and care about me.

When I leave this earth, I want to feel his loving lips brushing up against my cheek, saying ever so softly, "I love you, Henry.

And I shall continue to love you, always and forever."

Was it that Puerto Rican busboy with the dreadlocks?

I hate you.

You love me.

That was beautiful, Hank.

Really, really touching stuff.

They only had purple.

Do you want to tell him?

We're men, Bri. We don't cry.

Three exceptions: Firstborn kid, the end of Field Of Dreams, and the day Mike Ditka dies.

If that ever happens, God forbid.

It's okay to get misty, right?

No.

No.

You can get misty if Ditka's wife dies before he does and you see him talking about her on ESPN.

Otherwise, "misty" sounds really, really gay.

Now, who is ditka?

How's the first day, Brian? Learning anything?

I'll tell you what I learned.

He's not a Navy SEAL, and...

He lives with his parents.

Oh, really? [Chuckles]

Hey.

Separate floor, separate mailbox, guys.

Totally different situation. Mmhmm.

Ambulance needed. 742 East Diversey.

Hey, Bri, you want to run point on this call?

You think I'm ready?

Why not?

You're brave enough to b*at off in your parents' basement.

[Laughter]

[Women aw]

First time out, guys rarely begin by sticking an entire soda bottle up their ass.

Yeah, usually guys start with something smaller.

You didn't have any zucchini or carrots?

I have both, actually, it's just...

It's just what?

I was planning on making some soup.

Both: Oh.

Uh, Brian.

Examine the injury.

What?

You wanted to run point.

Take a look.

[Pats Brian's back]

[Exhales]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Uh, Brian, how's it look?

It's up there.

It's really up there.

I could've told you that.

Can you get it out?

Look, I don't want to go to the hospital, guys.

Oh, not a problem, sir.

Uh, Bri, run down to the rig and get the colo-vac 5,000.

It's in the side storage t*nk. Ah.

Colo-vac 5,000.

Wow. Colo-vac 5,000. That sounds powerful.

Is that... is it gonna hurt?

It's gonna hurt a lot.

Mainly because it doesn't exist.

Well, he ran like a bat outta hell as soon as you said the name. He's new.

And we are paramedics, sir.

Even if there was a device that sucked soda bottles out of the place we dare not go, our budget wouldn't cover it.

We barely get dental, let alone a**l. [Clicks tongue]

We're going to the hospital.

[Chuckles] Oh, man.

Guys, look, I'll give you 2 grand if you try to get it out.

3 grand if you have the twink do it.

[Siren wailing]

Slower. Please, slower.

Just a little... slower.

All right.

[Horn honks]

Yeah. For the love of God, please, slower.

Just a... little bit slower.

Okay.

Slow down. Please. Just slow down. Have a heart.

Aah!

It's out! Hey!

Nice driving, bro.

Laws of gravity.

So should we drop you back at home, or would you like to go to the supermarket?

Supermarket. Why?

To get your deposit back.

[Laughter]

That's not that funny, driver.

Pretty good.

What do you want to drink?

Not soda. Not soda.

Anything but soda.

Okay.

Oh, hey, guys, Denzel approaching.

Maybe he should be your I.C.E.

I'd gladly strip down and jump in my deathbed right now. Mmm.

Hey, guys.

Johnny, Theresa wants to see you outside for a sec.

You ain't back in five minutes, I'm eating your sandwich.

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

I just wanted to chat.

You know, you were saying before that you were, um...

I mean, it just feels like forever since we talked.

Your idea, what'd you call it?

Phone truce.

Phone truce. Right.

Are you really okay?

'Cause I've been wondering how you've been handling the whole...

Wow, you smell incredibly sexy.

Thank you.

A new perfume?

Uh-huh.

It's nice. It's, uh...

Well, it's very provocative.

I've been trying new things.

Where did you even hear that word?

Provocative? Scrabble.

Hank played it. Got, like, a million points.

You're playing scrabble?

Oh, I'm like a new guy now.

Scrabble, French doughnuts, yoga...

You're doing yoga?

I'm signing up for it.

I wanted you to do yoga.

See, I'm showing you. I can change.

Hey, Johnny, they have tapenade in here, which I love.

I'm getting some on my sandwich.

Do you want some on yours?

Yes, I do.

Hey, you know what we should do? What?

We should go back to your place tonight.

Watch some DVDs... I can't.

Why not?

I'm busy.

Well, make a call. Get un-busy.

I have a date.

Oh.

I mean, that's what we're supposed to be doing, right?

Taking a break? Yeah.

Seeing other people.

Right. Yeah.

How many dates you been on? This is my first one.

Ah.

You?

None.

Oh.

But I've been going out a lot with Hank and the guys.

We ate Sushi.

We talked to these girls...

I talked to this one girl for, like, an hour and a half.

Who's your date with?

No one you know. You've been eating Sushi?

Twice. I ate it twice. Is it with Denzel?

Who?

Your partner.

No.

Did he ask you out?

Oh, God, don't do this.

Did you ask him out?

Oh, my God, you haven't changed at all.

French doughnuts.

Move in with me.

You... you know my math on this.

Oh, yeah, I know it well.

We move in together, it doesn't work, we break up.

How is that any different to where we are now?

We still like each other now.

Oh, my God.

What am I missing here?

Here is another mathematical possibility.

Okay.

We move in together...

Uh-huh.

It goes great.

Mm-hmm.

We fall even more deeply in love and realize that we want to get married and have kids. That's...

Really? The kids thing scares you?

You have eight brothers and sisters.

When you say "kids," it makes me think about living with the entire cubs pitching staff.

With one major difference.

My kids could hold a lead in the ninth.

[Chuckles]

See, that's why I love you. Then move in with me.

Or move on.

Hey, you left your phone.

[All cheer]

Hey, congratulations on making it through your first day.

Thanks, guys.

Well done, buddy.

To the easter seal.

Easter seal.

Ew.

What is this?

It's a peach cobbler. I invented it.

Ginger ale, lemon zest, and a dash of peach schnapps.

Keep drinking these, pretty soon your tits will be bigger than mine.

[Laughter]

Hey, go over to the bar and get six beers and six sh*ts of whiskey.

Oh, not supposed to drink whiskey.

Why not?

Makes me wanna dance...

Naked.

[Gasps]

Doubles. Get six doubles.

Ooh, yeah.

I got my camera phone.

Better get that whiskey.

Dance, dance, dance, monkey.

Oh, we gotta go.

Why?

I G.P.S.'d Theresa's cell phone, and she's leaving her apartment right now to go on her date.

Oh, which you did when you and her were fooling around outside the sandwich shop?

What?

She wears Chanel No. 5.

You came back inside reeking like you just guest-hosted The View.

I picked a gay guy to be my best friend.

Oh, with super gay smelling power.

Smug is not a good look on you, sir.

Pretty good look. Goes with my eyes and my cock.

She's gonna recognize my truck and your car, so we need to take Brian's.

Brian's never gonna go for that.

Why not?

Because unlike you miscreants, he's a decent, moral, civilized human being, who respects the privacy of others.

Exactly, which is why we gotta get him really, really sh*t-faced.

Yes.

He's not gonna like the taste of that whiskey, though.

Brian.

Add six peach cobblers.

You've been warned.

[All cheer]

You're getting crazy tonight.

A '94 Subaru, Brian.

Could've hitched a ride on the back of a rickshaw and got there faster.

And put your clothes on.

Oh, you guys hot? Hey, let's go swimming, huh?

Last time I saw this much white was at a Coldplay concert.

35 miles per hour.

It won't go any faster.

If it hits 40, it starts to shake.

It's shaking right now.

This is not a shake, this is a shimmy.

Hey, how awesome is Michael Phelps, guys?

God, all he's wearing is a Speedo now.

This ain't gonna work.

If they head out that restaurant heading back to his place, the only way we're keeping up is if they're riding on a bicycle.

She's not going back to his place.

What he look like?

She said he looked like, uh, Matt Damon.

We're gonna need a faster car.

God.

Dude's freaking taking her to Dauphinea?

They serve a chocolate galette here drizzled in liquid gold.

You sure it's not the real Matt Damon?

What's a galette?

It's like a pudding.

It's a cake.

A flat, free-form, expensive g*dd*mn cake.

I'm telling you right now, she's sleeping with this dude tonight.

This the kind of place you take a chick in, let her smell a napkin, she'll blow you right there at the table.

She might be blowing the guy right now, between the appetizer and the main course.

I know I would. [Humming]

Brian, stop.

You're supposed to be helping me.

I am helping you, brother.

I'm telling you the truth.

None of this would've happened if you had paid the right kind of attention to her instead of laying around the house playing Madden on the Xbox all day.

Brian, stop it.

What are you talking about?

You were with me half the time, playing Xbox.

So I could sabotage my relationship with Jeff the chef.

I had a master plan. I knew what I was doing.

If you eat gold, does that mean you sh*t gold?

Brian, shut up.

[Laughs]

Why are you taking it out on Brian?

I'm not taking it out on Bri... You started this.

Maybe that's what they mean by "shiting bricks."

I swear to God, buddy.

[Laughs]

Hey, you started this by not listening to your chick.

And now she's giving hummers to movie stars in places where they won't let you do the Heimlich maneuver in.

You happy?

Oh, my God.

What?

Is that the guy?

Oh, my God.

Oh.

I would consider having oral sex with that man.

My girlfriend's gonna have sex with Jason Bourne.

She's looking this way!

Oh!

Did you see that new Jason Bourne movie with Jeremy Renner where it's like he's not Jason Bourne, but there's a whole program?

I didn't think that you had.

This is so bad. This is so bad.

Did I tell you that she sh*t canned me as her I.C.E.

And put in her sister?

She despises her sister.

[Laughs] I know.

What the hell are we even doing here?

You should've mentioned that up front. It's over, man.

Her using her sister as her I.C.E.

Is like me using Ann g*dd*mn coulter.

Oh, my God.

Both: Oh.

Wow.

The guy drives a lamborghini?

Lord, please.

Please, lord, don't let her sleep with this guy.

Please, lord, if you can hear me, let this guy be gay.

Hey, they're making out.

Okay, forget gay. Let him be bi.

She's pushing him away.

Mm.

Wait, is she...

Yeah, she's giving him a ticket.

Must have been a terrible kiss.

Brian.

I know. I'll stop.

Oh, hey!

She's walking away. Yeah! Of course she is.

See, 'cause she's too smart to fall for American Psycho...

Hey!

Hi.

Hi, Theresa.

Why do you smell like peaches?

'Cause I'm drunk. Oh, you look so pretty.

Did you just give that guy a ticket?

Yes. His registration was expired.

Which I'd normally let go when on a date with such an incredibly handsome, sexy, shockingly wealthy dude, except for two things: Number one, he wouldn't stop talking about himself.

He was a cocky, arrogant, self-involved assh*le, which apparently I seem to be attracted to.

So I was still gonna let him make out with me right there in the car for hopefully about 15 minutes.

Because he drives a lamborghini?

That and the fact that I knew you guys were out here watching me.

[Laughs]

How?

Because I G.P.S.'d your phone about two months ago.

All: Oh.

You know what?

I should never have deleted you as my I.C.E.

Because who better to call in case of emergency than someone who is already parked right across the street?

[Chuckles] My God, Johnny.

If only you would put this much thought and energy into our relationship.

It could've ended with us walking home tonight arm in arm, totally in love.

Instead, I'll be taking a taxi by myself.

Good night, gentlemen.

Johnny.

Well, who's glad we came?

[Indistinct intercom chatter]

Wash 'em down quick, peach fuzz.

Hank's got the rig loaded and ready to roll.

He's fueling it up as we speak.

All jobs the new kid... [Drums hands]

Is supposed to do... [Drums]

Even with... [Drums]

A massive hangover. [Bangs]

Best cure I know for a hangover is jumping in the lake.

Naked. Mm.

I need something to drink. Something without alcohol.

Here.

I think I'm off peaches.

And bars. And swimming.

I'm sorry for putting you in the middle of the whole Theresa thing, easter seal, it was unfair and irresponsible.

No, that part was awesome.

I've never been on a spy mission before.

Yeah?

Well, in that case, you can join us tonight if you want.

She's got another date.

But she un-G.P.S.'d her phone, so we need to rent a car and be out in front of her apartment by 6:00 to follow her and whoever the hell's coming to pick her up, which I'm pretty sure is gonna be Denzel.

What?

Drunk as I was, I clearly recall Theresa saying that she wanted to see some new behavior from you.

What'd I say? No phone. Rental car.

Those are not new.

This soda tastes funny.

Really?

It should.

Seeing as how the bottle it's in spent most of yesterday up some fat guy's ass.

I swallowed it.

[Laughs]

[Shutter clicks] Aah!

No! No!

[Laughter]

Second best cure for a hangover.

[Laughter]

What an a-hole.

I... [chuckles] Hey.

Did he drink it?

Almost the whole bottle.

I take it you didn't tell him it wasn't the actual bottle yet.

No, I was gonna wait a little while for that.

Like, maybe a month.

Ah. [Chuckles]

I'll see you in five.

See you in a bit.