01x04 - Famous Last Words

[bunniefuu]

[Sirens wailing]

I need you to move, John, we're losing him!

sh*t, two minutes away.

Almost no pulse.

Come on sir, come on, come on, come on!

[Mumbling]

Hey! I think he's trying to say someting.

He's trying to say something!

He's in V-fib, we got to shock him.

No, no, no.

He's trying... he's trying to say someting, what is it, sir? Come on sir!

We're ready to clear, Bri.

What is it?

[Mumbling]

Bri!

[Mumbling]

Clear.

[Flatlining]

Clear.

[Flatlining]

Clear.

sh*t.

He clearly said, "tell Catherine I love her."

I heard, "catheter's broken."

Catheter? You were too far away.

I was right next to you.

What'd you hear?

"The catholic poker."

What the heck would that mean?

Maybe some priest had a hard-on for him.

People say strange sh*t when they kick, Brian.

We had a giant brother go on us four months ago.

Same deal, heart att*ck, 52, built like a brick sh*t house, ex-heavyweight boxer, neck the size of an SUV.

He calls me close, I lean in.

You know what he says?

"Hannah Montana."

Had an old lady last summer.

96-year-old great grandmother, white, Jewish, survived Auschwitz.

You know what her last words were?

"Salsa."

I hope my dying words are happy.

I hope my dying words are "that was the best blow job ever."

Thank you, Neil Patrick Harris."

He was wearing a wedding ring.

I owe it to his wife to tell her that his dying breath, the last words he ever spoke on planet Earth, involved his eternal love for her.

Brian, we haven't even established that he said the word "Catherine."

And even if he did, he could be talking about his Camaro or his d*ck.

Who names their d*ck Catherine?

A guy who drives a Camaro.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Harris, but we did all that we could do.

Oh. [Crying]

Harris? That's her.

That's Catherine, the guy's wife.

Brian, do not get involved.

Brian, sometimes we save lives.

Sometimes we can't.

But we do not cross the line when it comes to a family in their grief.

He loved her. I owe it to him.

It is my moral obligation.

I, um... I worked on trying to save Mr. Harris and I...

He had some important parting words for his wife.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

It was very touching.

He said, "tell c...

Agnes I said hi."

Cahagnes?

He had some tracheal blockage.

It's, like, a throat thing.

[Coughs] Cahagnes. It's very common.

Oh.

Well, why would he just say hi?

Ma'am, did your... did your husband...

Did he drive a Camaro?

I'm sorry, ma'am, he's new.

What your husband said was, "tell Agnes that I loved her."

"She made life worth living."

And then he smiled.

Passed on.

Oh, my God.

That's beautiful.

Yes, it was.

We're sorry for your loss.

We got to go.

[Funky music]

♪ ♪

I don't tell lies.

I live my life according to a moral compass.

Don't you guys?

No, I don't have a moral compass.

I got a moral GPS, okay?

It offers up three routes in almost any given situation: A white lie, an off-white lie, and the long, lonely route of truth and honesty that skips all toll roads and usually ends in complete disaster, which is why I rarely take it.

My penis is my compass.

And it only points in one direction: Theresa.

You just made my compass seem a lot less cool.

I think we should locate this Catherine lady.

My d*ck says we should locate lunch.

She was the love of his life, Johnny.

No, his wife was. We just told her so.

What are you gonna do, look up every Catherine in Chicago?

Besides, is Catherine with a "C"? Katherine with a "K"?

And you know there's black girls out there spelling it with a "Q".

Oh, we do love our Qs, except for kwanzaa.

I don't know how the hell we dropped the ball on that one.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. [Shushes]

I guess we're getting Mexican.

[Laughs]

Know what's even more disturbing than Brian's moral compass?

That Johnny's penis knows where to get the best carnitas in town?

These are amazing.

Mmhmm.

Thank you, good sir.

And now you're making him feel very uncomfortable.

Oh, no, no, no. The fact that a dead ringer, Johnny... And I do mean dead... for your father passed away in the rig, and you seem completely unaffected by it.

What are you talking about?

Big strong Irish guy.

65 years old.

Wait.

White hair, blue eyes.

Oh, my God.

Even had the same cologne... Old spice.

It's a masculine scent.

Holy sh*t. That's awesome.

Why is it awesome?

Um, my dad left my mom for a stripper named Coco when I was 13.

The fact that his doppelganger bit the dust right in front of me and I didn't even flinch, that means it's like he's completely out of my system.

The guy looked and smelled and even dressed just like my old man, and I didn't even notice.

It's like the guy doesn't exist anymore.

[Giggles] Go high, bro.

When's the last time you lked to your father, John?

Uh, I don't remember.

Seven years, John. I kept track.

Seven years.

Mm-hmm.

Wow. Give me some, Brian.

This is ridiculous, Johnny.

What?

If that had been your dad who dropped dead today, you would have miles and miles of unresolved issues with it.

N... and they would haunt you... and me, as the guy who's got to listen to you bitch for the rest of your life.

I don't think so.

This is sad. This is really sad.

It's like a depressing Gus Van Sant movie when it could be a Rob Lowe Hallmark special.

Rob lowe?

You guys never saw The Christmas Shoes?

Oh, my God. It's so good.

Sometimes, I even watch it in the summer.

You need to call him, John.

I don't know how to reach him.

I'm sure your mother does.

How can you hate your own father?

I don't hate him. I don't love him.

I have no feelings for him whatsoever.

Bullshit You took all your anger and resentment for him, and you turn 'em into a mess of commitment problems that is screwing up your deal with Theresa.

Stop.

The compass in your crotch knows she's the hottest chick you'll ever be with, but your fears about your father have infected your thick Irish brain.

First time in the history of civilization a man's cock is actually smarter than he is.

Look up your dad, and face how you feel.

You know what, Hank? You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I should look him up, to thank him.

Because him abandoning my mom and I for Coco, best thing that ever happened to us.

We bonded, like two peas in a pod.

I mean, sure there was some downsides, like I was never allowed to have Cocoa Puffs in the house.

But that was more than made up for by her teaching me how to shave, and how to drive, and how to hit a curveball.

I mean, we were always together.

Do you know what it's like to have your mom take you to a Bulls game?

No, you don't.

I bet you never went to a Bears game with your mom, and had her make you wear mittens...

[Knocks]

When you're 14.

I bet you never sat with your mom at a Blackhawks game, and saw some friends from school watching while she took her saliva and slicked back your hair.

Only you can't tell her to stop, 'cause you're afraid if you hurt her feelings, she's gonna abandon you too.

sh*t my cock is smarter than I am.

And I gotta deal with finding my g*dd*mn dad.

Mother... [Growls]

I'm tellin' ya, this is all covered in The Christmas Shoes.

Who is it?

T?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Picking your mom up for yoga.

My mom does yoga?

Yeah.

Um, is she wearing yoga pants?

No, she's naked.

I don't wanna see my mom's ass in yoga pants, so make sure she's sitting down when I get up there.

I'm a sexual being, Johnny.

Mom, that's the...

[Buzz]

Hey. By the way, Theresa says I look great in these yoga pants.

What was the word you used?

Luscious.

My ass looks luscious.

And I have no doubt. It's just that if I see your ass in yoga pants, any time I see another girl's ass in yoga pants, I'm gonna be thinking about your ass.

And that's not really what a son wants to be thinking about his mother.

And it would basically ruin yoga pants for me.

Why are you here?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You broke up with her, I didn't.

Yeah. I just thought yoga would be a great stress reliever for your mom, and a good way for her to meet guys.

Oh, tell him about Pietro.

I don't need to hear about Pietro.

He's the hot box yogi.

A very young instructor, of Spanish descent, that has a thing for your mom.

I love the hot box.

Mm-hmm.

Every Thursday night we have a hot box session.

You wanna talk about luscious ass in yoga pants?

You should see Pietro lead the Thursday hot box session.

Ma, stop saying the words "hot" and "box" together, please.

And I don't wanna hear about my ma and my girlfriend trolling yoga classes for skinny Spanish gigolos.

Oh, oh, first of all, mom and ex-girlfriend.

And we are not trolling.

Those yogis are coming on to us.

Mm-hmm.

And I am sexual being in my sexual prime, and I will say "hot" and "box" together in the same sentence whenever I want.

Hot box.

[Both exhale]

What are you doing here, anyway?

I wanna get Dad's information.

I wanna reconnect.

What? What for?

I... I have some unresolved feelings about him.

What is with you and the feelings?

Always with the feelings.

I mean, you wanna worry about feelings? Worry about Theresa's feelings.

How about worry about Theresa's ass?

Her ass, in those pants, is a penis magnet.

You should see how the guys ogle her at the gym.

The other night I counted five erections.

What? Why are you counting erections?

They were pointed right at me.

It felt like I was doing a press conference.

Oh.

You don't have feelings for his dad anymore?

Yeah, sure I do.

He should die in a fiery car crash.

This is a man you used to love.

Love's fickle. Revenge is forever.

I'm old-school Irish, Theresa.

In the Dooley tribe, we hold two things very close: Grudges and whiskey.

And I don't like whiskey.

[Laughs]

Oh, my hammies feel so supple now.

[Grunts] Oh.

Mom, do you have Dad's number or not?

If I did, he'd be dead already.

I have it.

You never even met the man.

I am really old school Irish.

In the Kelly clan, we believe that divorce, no offense, is for pussies.

And the best way to keep a grudge is under the same roof.

I figured if our relationship wasn't gonna work out, because of your commitment issues, then one of us was gonna be wanting some answers out of your old man.

So I've been keeping an eye on his information.

Don't call him first.

He may weasel out of meeting with you.

Do what we do... Ambush him.

When you say "we," you mean the cops or the Kelly clan?

Both.

[Laughs]

Whoa.

Francis Harding Harris.

Attended brother rice high school, graduating class of 1969.

I googled him, cross-referenced the info from his obituary, and found his high school's website, and his graduating class' Facebook page.

They're about ready to have their 45th reunion, and just posted photos from their '69 yearbook online.

Bam!

Frank Harris and Catherine O'Connell...

King and queen of the brother rice 1969 senior prom.

And I have a mailing address for her.

Brian...

Csi: Chicago on you, baby!

The Lost Valentine, Hank.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, Betty White, the same exact theme: Closure.

This would all be so much easier if you'd just watch the Hallmark channel, Hank.

Have you ever seen a black man watch the Hallmark Channel?

No.

And you never will.

Look. This is against company policy and all common sense.

What if she's dead?

Then my moral compass can go back to worrying about climate change and the Canadian sea otter.

They're small, they're furry, and they're running out of clams, Hank.

We already know that she was the love of Frank's life, but what if Frank was the love of hers?

Oh, well, what if she's married, and the current husband is an insanely jealous ex-marine?

What if she has a Doberman Pinscher who hates everyone except her?

This could be a mistake so enormous, it comes back to bite you in the ass, literally, as you're making it.

And I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Let's go.

Good. The Subaru's running.

Let's go!

Hey, kid, how the hell are ya?

Holy sh*t, am I glad to see you.

Come on. You wanna help Daddy?

Grab an end of this, help me drag it inside.

I was gonna get a couple guys from the old firehouse, but you're here.

This'll save me some time.

Uh...

How's it hangin'?

How's it hanging?

Um, okay.

Oh, I get it.

You're mad at me.

[Grunts]

You mean I shouldn't be?

Hey, who told who to stay the hell away from who, huh?

Not me. You said I ruined your life, so I stayed out of it.

Now you're pissed about it?

Not my problem. It doesn't make sense.

Listen. How's your mother?

She still hates you.

Oh, call the g*dd*mn papers.

Of course she hates me.

She always hated me.

She hated me the entire time we were married.

She did?

Yeah.

She never told you that?

No.

Oh.

What do you mean, "oh"?

Uh, nothing, come on. You're almost up there.

That's a boy, keep going.

That's it.

Are you Catherine?

Catherine O'Connell?

Yes, why?

My name is Brian.

Hello.

Uh, I have a message for you.

A message from who?

Frank Harris, class of 19...

Sal! God damn it.

Frank's here. Get the hell off my porch.

Where is he, huh?

This is a violation of the restraining order.

Hey, please, would you just...

Oh, you're doing good, kid, keep it up.

assh*le, where is Frank?

Check the bushes!

He's dead. He's dead. Frank is dead.

He's dead?

He d*ed of a heart att*ck, in the back of our ambulance.

We are EMTs.

His final words, with his final breath, were, "Tell Catherine that I love her."

[Exhales]

I thought I would never see the day.

Thank God.

Ahh.

Do we have any champagne?

Yeah.

There's a bottle in the fridge left over from new year's.

Thank you so much for telling us.

Whatever you do, watch the wallpaper, that's hand-painted silk.

It cost me a g*dd*mn arm and a leg.

Coco picked it out at some place named Griffin and Wong. Imagine that.

A mick and chink selling wallpaper together?

You can't say chink.

I know, I know.

You can't say chink, 'mo, ret*rd.

We got all three down at the firehouse.

I can't call 'em that no more.

You are a retartred fire fighter?

See, you just said it.

Come on. Let's get this couch upstairs.

N... I didn't... [Sighs]

I didn't come here to move a couch.

I know. You came here to tell me to kiss your ass.

Well, do me a favor.

Let's get the couch upstairs first, before you tell me. How's that?

I came here so you could tell me why you left me and Mom high and dry, and me without a dad, so you could say you're sorry.

Sorry for what? I paid all the bills.

Will you pull, for Christ sakes?

You got the easy part.

All you gotta do is steer.

Look.

[Grunts]

Yesterday, we had a guy drop dead on us, massive heart att*ck.

We brought him back, but then we lost him.

Spitting image of you.

Yeah, so?

So, before he goes, he has a few words.

Yeah?

You know what he says?

Jesus Christ. If I knew what he says, I'd be a psychic.

He says...

"Tell my son I'm sorry."

My left nut.

Nice try. Now get movin'.

All right, he didn't say that.

But just, like, seeing him laying there, seeing him die, it got me wondering what I would do, how I would feel, if it was my dad...

If it was you.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, not right away, but after a couple hours, yeah.

A couple of hours?

You hate me that much?

Ah, go to hell, kid, come on.

No, wait... No, you disappeared on me when I was 13.

High school, college, you never came to any of my games.

And then you show up seven years later, God knows why.

I showed up to reconnect, numb nuts.

Only to have you tell me to disappear.

It might be the only time I ever did the right thing by you, as far as I can tell.

Now will you stop being such a p*ssy and get this couch up these freakin' stairs?

Nah.

Hey!

I'm not doing this.

Oh, you're gonna do it, mister.

Pick up that g*dd*mn couch right now.

How about this?

Hey!

What's wrong with you? What are you doing?

Who's the p*ssy now, old man?

I'll k*ll you, you little prick.

Oh!

Hey!

Oh!

Hey!

What, are you worried about this wallpaper?

How about this?

No, no, no, no!

[Laughs]

What did your mother do to you?

[Laughs]

[Screams]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Holy sh*t. D... Dad?

Dad, hey, you okay?

You okay? Hey, wake up.

Hello. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Dad.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

Ha, ha. You do love me.

[Chuckles]

You're okay?

Of course I'm okay, you damn fool.

I've taken falls like that all my life on the job.

And you are just like me.

Bullshit.

Oh, no?

You wondered what you'd do if you saw me lying on the floor, dying.

Well, now we know. You'd save me.

Just like you tried to save that guy at work.

Because you're dedicated to the job, just like me.

Plus, you said you were sorry.

And I accept that as a blanket apology for everything.

Hey.

Ah, what, are you gonna wreck this room too?

Your mom didn't want me around, so I had to take long lens sh*ts.

What, you're stalking me?

Kind of hard to prove in court when it's a blood relative, kid.

Listen.

I didn't leave you.

Your mom left me.

I know it looked like I left, because you guys kept the house.

But she hated me, and I hated her.

The marriage wasn't working, but we decided to stick it out till you went to college.

And then one day she told me to just take a hike, so I did.

I didn't meet Coco till after I moved out.

That was an amazing save.

[Door opens]

What the hell happened here?

Ohh. Hi, honey.

Johnny came by and we did a little, uh...

We were catchin' up.

Yeah, we got all caught up.

Oh, my God. My wallpaper!

Oh, baby.

What an ass on her, huh?

I...

Yeah, it was my idea.

Yeah, I asked him to leave.

We were a terrible match.

Of course, then I got jealous.

I resented that he met this young girl and, you know, moved on so quick.

But there was only one man in my life...

You.

Aw.

Aw.

Your world became my world.

You know, driving you back and forth to baseball games and batting practice, batting cages.

Baseball, baseball, baseball.

That was your life, so it became mine.

You're a devoted mom. Thank you.

You're welcome, honey.

And that's why I slept with your little league coach...

And your high school coach and the head counselor at the Ron santo baseball camp.

There, I feel so much better.

Is that why I won most improved at camp?

No, that was the week you learned to hit the curveball.

Right.

So are you gonna let this grudge go, or what?

[Deep breath]

Fine.

I don't want him to die in a fiery car crash.

But just a little bit of skin cancer every once in a while?

You know, a tiny little melanoma on his nose.

I gotta go to yoga.

Mm. I gotta put on my special pants, so you might wanna leave.

No, it's cool. I'll wait and drive you.

I saw Coco in her yoga pants today, and they're pretty much ruined for me forever, so...

How'd she look?

Fat.