01x07 - Till Jeff Do Us Part

[bunniefuu]

So you're dating someone at the hospital?

Which hospital?

You're dating people at more than one hospital?

I'm dating multiple people at multiple hospitals!

How do you do that?

(Laugh)

I spend a long time in hospitals, man!

(Music)

Do they all know about each other?

Of course, I'm promiscuous not dishonest.

Hey, hey, you boys need to clean up those mailboxes, there are overflowing with detritus. It's slovenly.

Hank, there's a Jet Magazine in your slot.

With skinny Oprah on the cover.

She ain't been skinny since '09.

I don't get Jet Magazine.

I don't get Skinny Oprah, I like her plump.

Go on, clean them out now!

It'd be great if you could do it soon.

The whole thing's really kicking off Stats' counting disorder.

64, 65, 66, 67...

There are 67 pieces of mail in your slot, Henry.

Okay, damn. Damn, girl.

Look, look, look, look.

So that's... that's done.

Hey, you happy?

Okay, yeah, that's good. Thank you, Henry.

Mm-hmm.

Well, look at this.

This is fancy.

Personal and hand-lettered, Henry St. Clare.

Hmm, calligraphy.

Yeah.

Someone's getting married.

Who?

Oh, someone who doesn't have my current home address or cell number.

Someone who cheated on me with that busboy.

Someone who I could care absolutely less about.

Jeff the chef, holy sh*t.

Mm-hmm.

Is he marrying the busboy?

No, he's marrying Alejandro.

Oh, my God, he's marrying your brother?

No.

Your cousin? That's so...

Oh, my.

Brian could you get me a hand in the supply closet please?

I kinda want to be here to offer Hank some emotional support.

Brian, supply closet, now.

If it's any consolation, I think that your eyes are way more soulful than Alejandro's.

And your mailbox is clean, so there's that.

Look, I know this sucks right now, but this to shall pass.

Deuce.

What?

Can I call you "son"?

No.

Well, I'm doing it anyway 'cause this is a father-son type talk.

Son, this guy ale-what's-his-face may look like you, but whoever the hell he is he ain't got what you got.

Which is?

Your freedom.

You can date all the boys in Boystown if you want.

You'd be exhausted, but you could do it.

This is your touching, important father-son type message?

God damn it, I'm new to this sh*t.

And I'm not finished yet.

This just goes to show how great you are, that this chef assh*le is marrying a guy who's the spitting image of you.

I mean, you are such a prize that he went and found himself a God damn Hank St. Clare clone.

How was that?

Not bad.

You know what, Cash? You're right.

You can call me "Pops".

Jeff is marrying the discount version of me.

Mm-hmm.

Or big papi.

And do you remember how pretentious Jeff could be?

Oh, with his French fusion cuisine and God damn Asian opera bullshit.

You just know Jeff and his little fake-ass Hank husband gonna be one of those annoying couples that adopts, like, six kids from different countries, names 'em sh*t like Bryce and Tristan.

In Kenya the father figure is called "Baba".

Big Baba.

Try it on.

I did, don't fit.

Hey.

Guess who I just got a wedding invitation from.

Oh, uh, let me guess.

Uh, your college roommate who you just had to set up with my best friend, Hank, who then cheated on him, broke his heart, and basically ruined last summer?

You got an invite too?

No, Hank did.

sh*t! That is what I was afraid of.

I mean, he's basically marrying Hank, if Hank had a prettier name.

I know.

Is he okay?

I mean if the wedding is this weekend.

How tacky is that?

Damn tacky, son.

And look at this invitation.

Really, bitch, calligraphy?

sh*t ain't even got proper margins.

Look at that.

Uh, soso.

It could go either way.

Hey, do me a favor.

If we ever break up for real some day, and you meet my dead ringer and marry him, will you invite me to the wedding. I want to see what I look like in a tux.

There is no way I'd waste 50 bucks on a steak dinner for you.

I'll order the chicken.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[Static crackling]

[Laughter and chatter]

I don't even understand why gay guys want to get married.

I mean, we had a sweet deal in the old days.

Dance, drink, screw.

Shop, eat, screw someone else.

Drink, dance, go see Madonna.

Screw some backup dancer for Madonna.

No kids, no rings, no divorce.

It was perfect.

Other than the Madonna stuff, it sounds pretty good.

On top of which, I won this battle.

Bitch is marrying a brother look just like me.

Who the hell misses who here?

Am I right?

(All) Yeah.

You are gorgeous.

And unlike your partner over here, a great dancer.

And a free man.

You're a real catch, Hank.

Yeah.

You know what, you right.

Mm-hmm I'm the g*dd*mn catch of the county, and I'm taking this fine black ass to my favorite pickup joint.

Gay bar down the street.

Yep, called the hospital.

Donnie, the cute Puerto Rican doctor, gets off at 11:00.

And I'm gonna make him my patient tonight.

Ooh.

Or vice versa.

Nice.

And you guys are coming back from that wedding with a full report on Alejandro, who I'm betting will be a very sissified, prissy version of moi.

Ooh.

Au revoir.

Hey, you cannot go to that wedding.

He's hurting inside.

I know, I gotta stay and keep watch, but that's why you've gotta go and report back that this Alejandro character is a shitty dancer, five-feet tall, and basically a chick with a d*ck.

Fine.

Hey, Theresa, if you need a plus one for the wedding, I'd be happy to join you.

Whatever.

Boom.

That okay with you?

Yeah, of course.

Are you guys dating?

Both: No!

Brian loves weddings.

I study them.

Seen all the movies.

Every one.

My only problem with four weddings and a funeral was that it wasn't called five weddings and no funeral.

Plus I know how to do the foxtrot.

Well, this is gonna be a hip gay wedding.

You know, they're not gonna be dancing to roll out the barrel, so...

Actually, that's a polka.

But I know how to do that too.

So we are covered.

I have surprisingly strong calves.

I can dance all night.

Cool.

I'll be your dance insurance.

Ooh.

[Laughter]

No, honestly, he makes you sign something.

I will.

It's really intimidating.

A waiver?

Just for just both our safety.

So, how was last night?

Fantastic.

Good.

Doctor had a Puerto Rican flag tattoo on his ass.

Way we would go, I had expect to wake up to find Puerto Rico just off the coast of New Jersey.

[Laughing]

Well, I'm glad you're doing well.

Never been better, man.

Never been better.

What the name of the guy Jeff's marrying again?

Oh, Alejandro.

Alejandro.

Alejandro.

Saturday, you and me, bro.

Two seats on the glass, Blackhawks Bruins.

Yeah, way better than going to a dumb wedding.

Is that the same day as the wedding?

Oh, I had no idea.

Wow, I'm so shallow.

Well, he sent you an invitation.

Chicago North ambulance needed, Lincoln Park.

Ambulance 14 responding.

I knew when the damn wedding was. I'm not go...

I'm just saying, he sent you an invitation.

Hit me flush.

God damn direct hit.

And just to be clear, it was a softball, correct?

Yeah, and my nuts feel like they're about a million degrees right now.

I'm sorry.

What kind of a pitch was that, Greg?

It's slow pitch, man.

That was a freaking laser beam.

All right, sir.

Drop your pants. Let me examine the injury.

Right here?

The sooner you drop 'em, the sooner we can get you fixed up.

No need to worry, sir. It's a common sports injury.

It hurts like hell, but nine times outta ten it's just a little... oh, my God.

What?

Oh, my God, I don't believe this.

What's wrong with my balls?

I can't do this.

What's wrong with my balls?

Am I gonna lose my balls? Oh, my God!

Just calm down.

What does that mean?

You're gonna be fine. Just calm down.

He said... what did he mean?

It's a bruise.

You're gonna be fine.

Now we could take you to the urologist, but between the doctor and the nurse that's just two more people that are gonna see your junk.

Your best bet is to ice it down for 20 minutes and walk it off.

Brian, handle this.

But I've never seen one of these before.

Hi.

What I meant was I've never dealt with this particular injury.

I've obviously seen penises before.

Not a lot. Mostly mine.

And old guys at the gym.

What is it with old guys and nudity?

Yeah, right?

Exactly.

Shut up, Greg!

Okay, I'm just gonna... right.

That guy's penis.

Yeah?

God, this is so stupid.

Tell me, bro.

That guy had the exact same penis as Jeff the chef.

The exact same one.

What the hell is that?

Don't they all pretty much look the same?

Sometimes if there's a lot of guys involved and I'm drunk, yeah.

But Jeff's, his was special.

I could pick his d*ck out of a room full of dicks.

We're a little outside of my area of expertise here.

I just wasn't expecting to see my past staring me in the face like that, John.

God, sh*t.

What am I doing? Where am I going?

What the hell is happening to me?

That invitation really messed me up, bro.

I know.

I know.

Think Theresa could my d*ck out of a room full of dicks?

Hank, we got a call from your mom.

She needs help at the house.

Gotta be kidding me.

We're on it.

Remind her that dispatch isn't supposed to be used for personal calls.

Okay, Roger that. We got it.

Listen, you got this.

Look at me. You got this.

It's just that she...

Okay, we got it!

Brian, let's roll. We're wheels up.

Stop playing with that guy's balls.

There's my baby.

Hey, mama.

Hey, mama Saint.

Hi, Johnny.

We can't stay long.

You need something fixed, mama Saint?

Oh, no, I don't need you boys to do any chores for me today.

But a little bird just told me about Jeff the chef, and I had to check in with my baby.

Who told you about that?

Sorry, Deuce, your mom gave me some wine.

I just started kinda running off at the mouth.

Cassius told me that you're not going to the wedding.

Is that true?

Yes.

Henry St. Clare, you are absolutely going to that wedding.

You will not hang your head in shame.

This is a proud family.

And you are a proud black man.

You do not run away from situations such as this.

You're gonna walk in there with your head held high, and you're gonna shine like a precious stone.

Sit in the front, smile the biggest, sing the loudest.

And if the preacher asks, "does anyone object to this wedding?"

You're gonna stand up and say, "hell, no, I don't."

Henry, promise me you'll go to the wedding.

Mom, I'm not going!

Hank, your mama asked you to make a promise.

Now I know I'm not your daddy, but I do sit at the head of the table, and I do get the extra piece of meat when there is one.

We're watching our cholesterol.

Mine's supposed to be up over 200 or something.

Half the programs on the DVR are my programs.

I got about six pairs of drawers in the dryer.

Where was I going with this?

Help me out.

You were telling him to go to the wedding.

Yeah, that'sight do what your mama said.

Go to that wedding tomorrow and shine like a gem.

Just make the promise, son, and make it now.

Fine, I'll go. Bye, mama.

See?

What'd I tell you? Father figure.

Oh, he's not going, padre.

He's just saying that to shut you up.

You are?

Yep.

We're going to the Blackhawks Bruins game.

Bye, mama.

Damn!

What's wrong with these kids today?

Oh, shut up and let's have ourselves a good day.

That's what I'm talking about.

And ready for a game.

Oh, yeah, beers.

Fights.

Body checks.

Jonathan Toews.

Patrick Kane.

Patrick Kane's eyes and his ass.

Okay. Okay, just this once I will talk to you about Patrick Kane's eyes and his ass, because today I'm gonna be the greatest wingman of all time.

And tonight, I'm gonna get you laid.

Not that you need any help, 'cause you can basically snap your fingers and then 20 blowjobs appear out of thin air.

What I wouldn't give to have your life.

I mean, just all the one-night stands and casual sex.

I mean, sex is never casual for me, ever.

Like, like ever.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where we going?

Wedding. I changed my mind.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but it is an emergency.

Three words: Patrick Kane's ass.

I feel like such a p*ssy for running away from this.

I'm 6'5", 220, and like my mama say, we don't run from shiy.

Wedding starts at 1:00.

We can still make the reception.

I'm wearing a Stan Mikita T-shirt.

I got one of Jeff's old suits back at the house.

You know this thing's worth, like, 50 bucks on eBay, right?

The suit I'm giving you is worth a thousand.

I could use a new suit.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

How do I look?

How do you wanna look?

Cross between Sidney Pottier and Shaft.

Okay. Okay, I get that.

Throw in a little Denzel stroll too.

Hmm.

Agh, I wish I was black right now.

Hank!

You look fantastic.

Holy sh*t, that dress is bangin'.

Thank you. My date Brian chose it.

I gave her a few looks.

How do I look?

Very, very handsome.

How was the ceremony?

Eh, I'd give it a "B".

They read from Corinthians, which couldn't be more cliché.

Their orchestra was way too up-tempo, and processional.

It's like, let the thing breathe.

Am I right?

You can tell me the truth.

Oh, my God, the whole thing was amazing.

A-plus-plus.

I got the name of the coordinator.

Brian.

His name is Darren.

There he is.

You okay?

Never been better. Let's dance.

Whoa, I don't dance.

You are my date. You dancin'.

No, come... no... no, I don't dance.

I don't...

Another drink, my lady?

♪ ♪

This is my first gay wedding.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

First gay wedding.

Yeah, I heard.

I have to say, it's been an absolutely pleasure.

That's great.

I mean, straight weddings are fun too, but there's something extra special going on here today.

Yeah, it's called an open bar.

[Chuckles]

Awesome!

First gay wedding joke.

Ugh, can we stop dancing now?

Hey, look, I wanna be having fun when Jeff sees me.

And I'm gonna be dancing like a freak when he points me out to little Hank Jr.

Relax. Just dance to the b*at.

Don't dance to the words.

That's what I've been doing, and I still look like this.

I don't know what to do with my hands.

Okay, maybe just try standing still.

I'm not gonna be the assholes standing still in the middle of the dance floor.

You know you're the only guy I'd do this for, right?

Yes, yes, yes.

Come to Fernando.

[Chuckles]

Uh, I'm not really a dancer.

Nonsense.

Open your hips.

What?

Open your hips.

Like this.

Eh.

Release your body to the music.

[Laughs]

Um, I'm not real...

What, you mean like that?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Set your hips free, let them fly, let them soar.

Just, uh... okay.

Okay, that kinda feels right.

I open my hips.

Open your hips.

Okay, okay.

[Laughs]

Holy sh*t, I'm dancing.

Holy sh*t, he's dancing.

[Laughs]

Theresa, this is Keith.

Hi, Keith.

Hello.

How you doing?

Keith's here alone.

His boyfriend's at home watching the kids, Rufus and Monty.

They're beagles, and they're adorable.

So check this out, Theresa. Keith is also a cop.

Oh, really?

This was the cop friend you were telling me about?

Theresa's the best cop in Chicago.

Oh, come on, Bri.

Well, I doubt that.

Excuse me?

Sweetheart...

You know what, we're at a wedding.

Let's not get into it.

No, don't hold back on my account.

Go on.

Being a cop is a man's job.

Uh.

I mean, you girls are great for certain police procedural work.

But for everyday, boots on the ground, front lines of crime stuff, you're a liability.

Oh.

I see what happened.

You misunderstood.

I said that Theresa was a good cop.

Not a terrible cop. You switched 'em.

So what's your deal?

You're a misogynistic gay cop?

Nope, I'm a realist.

Huh.

How great are firemen though?

[Laughs]

[Latin music]

Hey, you doing okay?

I'm doing great. I'm doing great.

I'll be back.

This guy's great.

Whoa.

[Laughs] Oh, okay.

As a gay man who fought against prejudice, how can you honestly espouse such outdated views?

Because as a gay cop, I realize not everybody can play the game.

It's like Brian Urlacher.

There wasn't a chick that could do his job, because he's a very large man in a very violent game.

This isn't tennis, Billy Jean king.

It's life or death.

And you gotta have a big brass set of huge cojones.

Guys, guys, this is a wedding.

A gay wedding.

My first gay wedding.

And the only fighting should be us fighting for our right to party.

You're right, Brian.

Let's dance.

Don't get anyone k*lled out on the dance floor.

No.

I should really kick your ass for saying that.

What are you gonna do, you gonna kick me in the nuts?

Aghh!

You kicked me in my nuts.

It's okay. I know what to do.

One, don't panic.

Two, know that your testicles will eventually return to their normal size.

And three is... ice.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Hank!

Alejandro, this is...

The bigger, blacker version of me.

Hi, I've heard so much about you.

God, you are gorgeous, which of course means so am I.

Yes, you are.

Thank you for coming, Hank.

I know it was short notice, but I think it came together pretty well, didn't it?

Who needs a year to plan a wedding?

Straight people.

[Laughter]

So, um...

Listen, sweetie, let's put it all out on the table here.

When I first saw a picture of you in Jeff's phone, I thought, oh, my God, am I just a stand-in here when I wanted to be the star?

But then I remembered it's all about timing, baby.

He loved you, but you weren't ready to settle down.

I was, so to us, to me especially, you'll always have especial place in my heart.

Because otherwise, I never would to find him.

You're right, I wasn't ready.

And I was, to get married, to have kids.

We just adopted a little Chinese baby.

A girl.

Oh, sweet, what's her name?

We wanna call her by her given name, which is Ho-Wan-Ho.

[Coughs]

Cool.

You know what's a good girl's name?

Colleen.

Oh, I like that. It's easy to pronounce.

Every time I try to say her name, I get a hairball.

[Chuckles]

Look, I came here today to hold my head up high.

And truthfully to see if you were marrying Alejandro as a replacement for me.

I came here with all this attitude, as if this was all about me.

Which, clearly, it wasn't.

I couldn't be happier for the two of you.

[Upbeat music]

This is our song, but it's so nice to meet you, Hank.

You too.

Come say hi to Ho-Wan-Ho.

Yes, I will.

♪ ♪

Yo!

Lost you there for a bit.

You all right?

Yeah, bro, I'm good.

You sure?

Yeah, man, I'm good.

Okay.

I'm good.

[Groans]

Hey, guys, I'm using my new skill.

[Both chuckle]

Fernando was looking for you.

Turns out you made quite the impression.

He wanted to give you his number.

Ooh.

How 'bout that? I got digits.

You got digits.

And I think he's prettier than me.

Not a chance.

Okay, so apply ice as needed.

Avoid strenuous activity for the next few days.

Maybe stop underestimating women or wear a cup.

It's your call.

How's he doing?

Not gonna be patrolling the streets on his bike anytime soon.

He's a bike cop?

You know, I'm really glad I came to this with you guys.

Jeff isn't marrying a knock-off version of me.

He's marrying a better version of me.

What? That dude? No way.

It's okay, bro. It doesn't bother me, honestly.

I realize now I really am over Jeff.

I don't want him. I just want what he has.

He found his soul mate. He found the one.

That's what I want.

I'm done with random hookups, chasing tail.

Done with it.

I want something meaningful, something permanent.

I'm feeling some growth here today.

I do wanna get married, have a couple kids, and I want the guy that I can stand up with in front of all my friends and family and say, "this is my man".

"My soul mate".

That's why God put us on this earth.

I am a changed man. This wedding has changed me.

This is what happened to me today.

Holy sh*t, look at that ass.

I'll see y'all later.

Whoa, what about the speech you just gave and finding your soul mate?

Look, maybe this is him.

I gotta start the search somewhere.

[Upbeat music]

Hey, buddy, how are you?

I love this song.

Well, then take my hand, my dear.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Ooh.

You know, since I learned to dance a little bit, I'm, like, 20% less scared to get married.

How drunk are you exactly?

Uh, just about the right exact amount, I think.

Whoo-hoo!

Look at this.

♪ ♪

What are you doing, Brian?

The foxtrot.

Nobody puts baby in a corner.

♪ ♪