01x09 - There's No

[bunniefuu]

Speed kills.

You hear that a lot out in the world.

Don't rush, take your time. Speed kills.

But if you want to be an E.M.T, you want to be one of us, you've got to learn a different rule.

Speed saves.

Speed saves.

No, sir. Jesus saves.

Speed saves.

Jesus helps.

Every day, we answer anywhere from 5 to 15 calls.

A lot of 'em are just what we call "milk runs."

Old lady gets moved from her long-term apartment into long-term elderly housing.

A hypochondriac with heart palpitations.

Turns out it's just gas.

And sometimes you got the life-and-death deals...

Car crashes, g*nsh*t victims, drug overdoses.

Every second counts...

Each one like a b*mb about to go off.

Now, you might think it's not a problem to defuse one of those bombs, but every time you defuse one, another b*mb pops up, ticking, waiting to explode.

To give you an idea of what we're talking about here, we're gonna walk you through a shift we had just a few weeks ago.

It started out a day like any other day.

Top three first ladies you'd sleep with in their prime?

Jackie Kennedy, Michelle Obama, and Laura Bush as a librarian, in the library, in the christianity section.

Go.

Barbara Bush.

Barbara Bush? She never had a prime.

She always looked like George frickin' Washington.

Exactly, and George was a sl*ve owner, so it'd be like a grudge-hump... For my people.

Would you ever blow Abraham Lincoln?

Daniel Day Lincoln, yes.

Real life Lincoln, no.

Freedom or not, I do have some standards.

I always admired Rosalynn Carter.

She wore very sensible shoes.

[Laughs]

[Groans]

Teamwork is everything.

Sterile swabs.

85.

Wide-gauge sharps. - 44.

Narrow-gauge sharps. - 30.

That low? Better count again.

30.

Voo.

Already ordering more.

And find a new sandwich shop in Bucktown.

Found it. Put your order in ten minutes ago.

Italian beef?

You got it.

My girl.

It's actually bigger than a team.

See, with a team, a guy can demand a trade or hold out for more money, but with us, when a crew's been working together long enough, they become something stronger.

They become a family.

One dozen Bavarian creams, ladies and germs, from Chicago's finest gourmet doughnut shop...

Glazed and Infused.

Google it, b*tches.

Yep, that's right.

Thank you, Uncle Johnny. You're welcome.

Because these are the people who have my back...

People without whom I could not do my job...

The people who make me want to put on this uniform every day.

And I love these people. I love this family.

Oh!

You've got to be sh1tting me.

Okay, assholes, who took the last g*dd*mn doughnut?

[Hip-hop music]

♪♪

Everyone on the team, everyone in the family, every E.M.T. On every rig, each one brings some talent that can help save a life.

Well, we know I bring the doughnuts.

And speed and decisiveness in certain life-and-death situations, which I really admire.

Thank you, Hank.

Huh.

And then I bring the muscle.

And the medical know-how.

Oh.

Seriously, you're like an E.M.T encyclopedia.

[Clears throat]

And what is it that you guys would say that I bring?

Oh, um...

Oh...

You are very enthusiastic.

Yes.

Yes! Yes, I bring the enthusiasm.

And the gum.

Yes, I do!

I bring the gum.

You brought the gum, right yes, it's a new kind where the flavor doesn't run out before you've chewed it five times.

g*dd*mn fruit stripe.

That sh*t bit it hard.

This is, uh... It's supposed to last for ever.

It's called triple taste...

Okay.

And it lasts three times longer.

Okay.

And blast off.

Mmm.

[Laughs]

Wow.

It's great.

Welcome to flavor country.

Yeah, it's like a chewable fruit basket.

The second act... Is that honeydew?

Yeah Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Little pomegranate?

Oh, yeah.

No, I got the pomegranate big-time.

We're just one part of the machinery that keeps people alive, and we have connections to other parts of that machinery.

Like, my father was a fireman for three decades.

My girlfriend...

Ex-girlfriend.

Hot ex-girlfriend.

Oh, very, very hot.

My very, very, very hot ex-girlfriend, who's still kind of my girlfriend, even though we sort of broke up and is now being objectified by my coworkers, Brian...

Is a cop.

And as you can imagine, that job comes with special stresses all its own.

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

g*n.

Aah!

Dealing in life and death all day can put terrible pressure on your personal relationships.

Mexican.

Chinese.

No, Mexican.

Come on.

I'm craving Chinese.

No!

My day sucked. I need guacamole.

Your day sucked?

We had two heart att*ck victims today.

One aggravated as*ault, one attempted robbery.

Construction worker with a metal rod impaled in his neck, 90 stitches.

I chased two drug dealers 5 1/2 blocks.

That's just good cardio.

And they sh*t at me.

That's a lie.

You would have led with that.

Oh, but they could have!

Yeah, but by that logic, you'd get to pick dinner every single night.

Yeah. You know...

Tequila makes me horny.

Like I said, Mexican.

We got to have respect for each other.

And respect for the rules and regulations and the unwritten rules.

There are always unwritten rules in every family.

And Jay Cutler's shoulder will be examined today by team doctors for any evidence of serious damage.

sh*t.

We lose Cutler, we're done.

Done-done.

So, uh, did he hurt his, uh...

Whoa!

Whoa!

What the hell you think you doing?

I was just...

Who told you you could sit there?

Is somebody sitting there?

Both: No.

Oh, well, then...

[Laughs]

Holy sh*t!

What is happening right now?

You've broken their little seating chart.

It's not a seating chart.

It's a hierarchy.

It's a power structure.

Cash sits in the chair.

I sit here. Johnny sits there.

The space between us is the neutral zone.

The all-important neutral zone.

Why do you need a neutral zone?

[Laughter]

Why do we need a neutral zone?

If you have to ask why we need a neutral zone, you're clearly not part of the power structure.

In two years, if you work out, we might invite you to sit on the couch with us.

Might.

Really?

Is that... Is that true, Cash?

Kevin, if you sit on that couch again uninvited, I will set your face on fire.

Brian, you can come sit over here with us. all these chairs are open...

Except I sit in this one and don't sit in that one.

[Groans]

They think I'm afraid of that couch.

It's not that.

I'm afraid of all couches... Everywhere.

I'm afraid of that couch.

Five years' worth of Hank and Johnny's farts stored up in those cushions.

Hence the neutral zone.

Yeah.

Real power does not lie in the inane seating situation you have, boys.

It lies in my office, because I am the voice of God.

You can have your couch.

I have my throne and my yoga ball for when my sciatica acts up.

It's a humbling job.

Whoever you are when you walk through that door...

Man, woman, hot sh*t, dork of all dorks...

Once you're here, you are just one of us, a cog in the machine.

And the only thing you are judged by is...

Your speed.

Your ability to make swift decisions in the face of catastrophic emergencies.

I said the same thing faster.

You have to be prepared to function, even in the midst of the most unimaginable horrors.

Guy who just got out of a chemical fire, melted eyeballs dripping down his cheeks, asking, "Who turned out the lights?"

That is one example.

Teenage girl carrying a hot bowl of ramen wipes out while walking down a set of cement community-college stairs, and you have to get her brains back into her skull, but not the noodles.

Voo.

Fat man who weighs 1,300 pounds has a heart att*ck and has to be transported to the hospital, and you get six E.M.Ts into the filthy, rat-infested, mess of an apartment to try to move him.

And first you find an old sandwich in a fat fold...

Val.

And then once you roll him over...

Val!

You said I should scare 'em.

Mission accomplished.

It was his cat!

[All groan]

You have to be prepared for anything.

Yes, all right.

Moms always said, "It's only a mistake, Papi, if you don't learn from it."

And I tell you, partner, I will never, ever forget my g*n again, because I just had, like, a very valuable experience, which is, like, awesome and unforgettable.

And now I'm ready to rock and roll, kid!

[Chuckles]

Radio.

Which brings us back to our typical day.

Mousse? I call him "Mousse"

'cause he puts mousse in his hair.

It's a hair nutrient.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

It was a day like any other day.

Who ate all the doughnuts?

There were 12 gourmet Bavarian creams in there.

I had one.

I had one.

One.

I had one and it was extremely delicious, like pudding inside a pillow made of sugar.

Thank you so much, Johnny.

Yeah, you're welcome. That's four.

That means that there's eight unaccounted for.

$36, people. That's how much I spent.

$3 a doughnut.

Oh my God. That's insane.

Did you have one?

Yes, but had I known the cost, I would have eaten it much, much slower.

That's seven unaccounted for.

Why would you spend $40 on doughnuts?

Because you guys like a family to me!

So I splurged on the doughnuts so that every member of my family could have a fancy-pants doughnut.

And everyone got one, right? Right? Right? Right?

Except me. I didn't get one.

So that means somebody... I don't know who... Double-dipped.

If you wanted a doughnut so bad, why didn't you have it in your truck on the way over here?

Because I thought it would be nice to eat it with my work family, with the people that I love and care for.

I wanted to enjoy my gourmet doughnut with my work brothers and sisters.

I had one. Thanks, Johnny.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Who's that?

Jeremy, dispatch.

You know, your work brother?

Do you think that he had two?

He looked like he was kind of guilty to me.

Hey, Ghandi, you're up.

Hey.

Cardiac arrest in Wrigleyville.

This isn't over.

Stabilize a heart att*ck victim, book it over to the hospital, check the guy in...

Doesn't get more textbook.

Ambulance 14 responding.

Our next call had a little variety.

Old lady on the south side smelled burnt toasts, thought she was having a stroke.

Phantom smells very common sign of stroke.

Burning toast...

A very common sign of being an old lady.

And that's roughly over half the job.

Pizza delivery guys with blood pressure cuffs.

We pick you up, haul ass to the hospital, and drop you off in 30 minutes or less.

Top three doughnuts all time?

Seriously?

After this morning, you want to do doughnuts?

I want to do doughnuts.

Great. Fine. Let's do doughnuts.

Um, top three.

Number one, Bavarian cream.

Uh, number two... Bavarian cream.

Number three, Bavarian cream.

Number four, five, and six, Bavarian g*dd*mn cream.

Okay, you're venting. Now, do you want to vent, or do you want to have a serious discourse on doughnuts?

We can't do both?

Okay.

I'll go first.

Chocolate frosted, sugar glazed, jelly.

[Laughs]

Oh, Bavarian cream isn't even in your top three, huh?

Not even top five, bro... Too gooey.

But you had one this morning, right, goo or no goo?

They were the only doughnuts there.

Did you have two doughnuts?

I had one.

Somebody had two.

I had one gooey gourmet g*dd*mn doughnut.

Now, if they had been jelly, I would have had two.

Oh.

You look like you want to do some more venting.

Brian?

Yes?

Top three doughnuts all time... go.

I'm not really a doughnut enthusiast.

And yet you had one this morning as well.

Actually, I only ate half of it.

It's too filling.

There's no "I" in "cream," John.

Is there an "I" in "shut up"?

No.

No.

Good day, bad day, we're stuck with each other.

What's got you so thoughtful?

I have an itch.

I'm trying to decide if I should scratch it.

Let us know where you end up on that.

It's a feminine itch.

I don't need to know this.

You asked.

Technically, he didn't ask. I volunteered the information.

Stats, there's no reason to suffer.

We got a whole full of ointments back there.

Wait a minute.

Is she gonna be applying ointments right now?

She said she had a feminine itch.

I know what she said if you had a man itch that required an ointment and the ointment was right here in the rig, would you wait before applying it?

Hey, Stats...

No, don't come back here, please!

Oh. Yeah. I... Um... Found a spray.

[Can sing]

Oh, my...

Ooh.

[Spring continues] Ooh!

Ooh, it... I think it's better now.

Oh, I think it's really good.

Mmm!

Mm-hmm. [Grunts]

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Theresa and Billy ♪
♪ driving in the car ♪
♪ going to get our bad guys ♪
♪ to... ♪ [Groans]

What?

Forgot to put on socks.

You look mad.

Hey, don't he look mad?

You look really mad.

I'm sorry about your doughnuts, man.

What'd you do with the other half?

Saved it in my safe place.

Safe place?

Where's your safe place?

If I tell you where my safe place is, it's no longer safe.

Mm.

You got to treasure times like that, because you never know when they'll gonna end.

Holy sh*t!

Oh, my...

Drive-by sh**ting, multiple victims, corner of wabash and 41st.

All units responding. All units responding.

Ambulance one responding.

[Siren wailing]

See, at the exact same time we were having our boring day.

[g*nf*re, screams]

A couple g*ng members decided to spray the street corner as payback for some earlier slight.

[Sirens wailing]

11 bodies down.

It's a special kind of chaos...

Not too different from w*r, actually.

And just like w*r, you either step up or step the hell out of the g*dd*mn way.

[Hip-hop music]

♪♪

[Siren wailing]

Hands! Show me your hands!

[Siren wails]

[Monitor beeping]

Hey.

Top three superheroes, Mikey, all time...

Go!

Huh?

Top three superheroes, man.

Superman, Batman?

I go Batman number one 'cause he's got the coolest costume.

I don't care if superman's made of steel.

He's still flying around in his underwear, you know?

[Laughter]

Hey, you know, Hank doesn't like spider-man.

Yeah, I am afraid of spiders.

Me too.

See?

Iron Man number three.

Okay.

Batman number two.

Good. Who's your number one?

Jay-Z.

Jay-Z?

How you figure that?

Because neither one of them other guys are married to Beyonce.

[Laughter]

You're a smart man. You're a smart kid.

[Laughter]

Nice.

Our kid's gonna make it.

Fantastic.

Thanks to your balls-out driving abilities, bro.

I'm just driving the dead unless someone's in the back doing God's work.

Speaking of which, talked to the other units.

Four victims D.O.A.

Damn it.

Our mom's gonna be fine.

She lost a lot of blood, but she's stabilizing now.

Thank God for that.

57 seconds.

[Spits]

One more brand of bullshit ass gum.

All gum is bullshit.

Know what's not bullshit?

Pizza.

You guys want some pizza?

You deserve some pizza.

Don't worry, doughnut boy. I'll pay.

Hey, Brian, you go back to the depot with Stats and Voodoo in their rig.

We'll pick up the pizza in ours.

Yeah, it was a long day.

And in the end, it was a day full of laughter and heartaches and mind-melting stress and pressure.

That day was a bitch.

But we wouldn't have it any other way.

Holy sh*t! It's tyranny.

Ugh.

[Whispering] Breakthrough.

I'm not afraid of the couch anymore.

That's nice, Stats.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, guys.

We were all so tired.

I'm not sorry.

It was my idea.

Listen...

If anybody deserved to upset the power structure today, it's you four.

You done damn good by me and the city.

Now, let's go out in the garage and eat these pizzas.

You're not gonna kick Mac out of your chair?

You ever seen Mac when she's been woken up unexpectedly?

She makes my commanding officer in the service look like Goldie frickin' Hawn.

Is that a Bavarian cream on her chest?

No.

That's her bavarian cream on her chest.

[Snorts]

Ah! [Mutters]

[Sighs]

[Indistinct chatter]

Eh.