01x10 - Shotgun Wedding

[bunniefuu]

What you thinking about, T?

The future, actually...

Mm.

You know, where I see myself in ten years time.

You know what? I think I'm gonna be high-level FBI by then.

I know where I'm gonna be in ten years.

Wow. Really? You have a plan?

Yeah.

I'm impressed.

Yeah, I put a lot of thought into it too.

Planned it out.

Get this.

Yeah?

Miami.

And you're what... gonna be a detective?

Yeah.

Yeah! I'm gonna be a detective.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Yes, I'm gonna be a detective in Miami!

Man, that would be, like, so cool.

If I was a detective in Miami, I could do so many detective things.

Yeah, you could.

And you can be pretty damn sure of one thing.

What is that?

♪ It'll be sunny ♪

Yep.

All units, armed robbery in progress.

Northwest corner of 18th and Morgan.

That's us.

Car 48, ready to annihilate.

[Siren wailing]

[Tires screech]

Don't move, assh*le!

Oh, why do they always move?

Hey, drop your w*apon!

[g*nshots]

[Groans]

Got him!

Aah! Aah!

Suspect down, corner of Morgan and 18th.

Officer down... medical assistance required.

Yo, nice sh*t, T.

No.

He got me in the arm.

No, no, no, you got him.

No, he got me right in the arm.

No, T, I'm looking at it. It looks fine.

The arm with all the blood on it?

I'm serious, your uniform... oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Okay, okay.

Dude, it's okay. Hey.

Papi, papi, papi. Santo Dios, hallelujah.

Oh, my...

[Thud]

[Sighs]

One officer down, one officer...

Kind of a p*ssy.

How's she doing, guys? How you doing, hon?

Quick clot's working great.

She won't be losing any more blood.

Took a couple of pellets of buckshot, T.

Don't worry... the docs should patch you up in no time.

Any shortness of breath, blurred vision, dizziness, clammy hands?

Um...

Yes, yes, all of them.

Oh, my God. Billy, I'm okay.

I'm so sorry, T.

It's all my fault. Madre de Dios.

It's not your fault, Billy.

Just blame your parents.

That's probably what the sh**t's gonna do.

Are you okay, babe?

Oh, sh*t, call my parents before the precinct does and let them know that I'm absolutely fine.

No, it's not fine, T.

[Crying] You're my partner, and I'm supposed to protect you.

Yo soy un idiota!

Your mouth's probably dry. Do you want some water?

Oh, my God, yes. Thank you.

My mouth is so dry, I can't even breathe.

[Mutters]

It should be me lying there, T.

Not you, it should be me.

Billy should be in that bed.

[Siren wailing]

I hate to sedate a patient who's not seriously injured, but I just couldn't take all the g*dd*mn whining.

[Hip-hop music]

Were you scared? I know I was.

You know what the really scary part was?

Dealing with my parents... and Maeve.

Did you see her hitting on that doctor?

Yeah, I thought she was gonna blow him right there in the waiting room.

Yeah, I know.

I know Hank wanted to.

Oh, he gave Hank his number.

No!

Mm-hmm. Classic.

[Laughs]

Wow.

Are the Percocets working?

Oh, yeah.

Good.

How's your wound?

What wound?

You all right?

I am high as sh*t.

Okay, well, whatever you want, I am at your service.

You name it, you got it.

You want ice cream, you want a Dwayne Johnson film fest, whatever you want.

Will you stay over?

Yeah, of course.

Cool.

Just, you know, I don't want to be alone tonight.

Yeah, I totally get it.

You know, it's okay to be, um...

If you're afraid.

No, I wasn't.

No, not at the time. No.

I pulled one of the doctors aside, and he said sometimes in cases like this, there can be a delayed reaction.

Sometimes people feel more afraid afterwards.

No... I mean, what... afraid of what?

Of dying.

But I didn't die.

No, but you could have.

No, but I didn't.

I know, honey, but just...

Hey, I am not afraid of anything, baby.

I am...

Horny.

I'm thirsty.

I just want to go home and drink a ton of really great Tequila and then have really insane sex.

Ha.

Seriously?

Seriously.

How was that for delayed reaction?

[Both chuckle]

I hate to say it, but you should get wounded more often.

Good morning, my love.

I whipped you up your favorite breakfast and a rose...

A fresh and healing flower, your favorite kind of...

Okay, what... I know that look.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do.

You have never seen this look before.

I'm pretty sure it's the "we need to talk about our relationship" look.

No?

It's "the b*llet holes in my arm are really starting to hurt" look?

You don't want eggs.

Okay, it's official. I'm scared here.

What happened to the happy, sexy, fun girl from last night?

I got sh*t. I survived. I wanted to celebrate.

Oh, right. I'll get the Percocets.

No, no Percocets!

Happy, fun, sexy time, babe, three feet away.

Listen, I've been thinking a lot lately about...

Where I see myself in ten years' time and...

Oh, boy, I'm taking the Percocets.

No, wait. Hey.

Huh?

Don't you have a plan?

What?

Uh, yeah, I do.

In ten years, I plan to be sitting in primo season-ticket-owner box seats right behind the Cubs Dugout at Wrigley Field, thank you very much...

With you.

That is your ten-year plan?

No, of course not. It's my 20-year plan.

It took me ten years just to get on the list for these tickets.

Holy crap.

What?

I'm a cop, John.

I might not have ten years' time.

I could take a b*llet in the face tomorrow morning from some meth-head freak outside of a chicken and liquor store.

Or I could take a b*llet in the line of duty for my country in D.C.

Hmm?

I want to go to Washington and work for the FBI.

What? When?

Today, now.

I'm ready to fill out the application form.

Okay, wait. Wait.

Listen, I think that you lost a lot of blood yesterday, and I think that you got a shock to your system.

What am I waiting for, huh?

There's nothing keeping me here.

Easy, easy.

That's for sure.

Well, what about a little thing called us?

Oh, right, us.

Yes, there's my place, and there's your place.

And you know what, John?

It's not enough anymore.

Okay, um, I think this is the part the doctor was talking about.

This is, like, a delayed reaction.

Yes. I was 16 when I decided I wanted to work for the FBI.

It's only taken me a decade to finally make the move.

You're serious?

Wow.

You are so observant.

Yes, I've only been up half the night thinking about it.

Marry me.

[Laughs] Yeah, right.

I'm serious.

I'm serious!

Let's get married. Ha ha! Whoo!

[Chuckles sarcastically] Great idea.

Theresa Kelly...

Theresa Kelly, will you marry me?

You're kneeling on my pants.

Hey, listen to me.

I am 100% balls-out dead certain g*dd*mn serious right now.

Can you pass me my top?

Not until you answer me.

Get up.

No.

John Farrell, get up.

I'm not getting up.

Okay, fine.

So I say yes, and then we're engaged forever and ever because you won't commit to a wedding date and then I waste a whole another chunk of my life drinking overpriced box-seat beers watching a team who is cursed by a Billy Goat?

I don't think so!

Let's do it right now.

What?

Let's get married. Right now.

We'll go down to the courthouse. We'll get a license.

We'll get a justice of the peace.

We'll get two witnesses, and we'll make it legal...

Right now, today, as in this morning, as in at 8:37 A.M.

Are you okay?

I've never been better.

Are you okay? You're the one that's been sh*t.

Yeah.

What are you thinking about?

Bacon.

[Crunching]

Let's do it.

Maeve's in.

She's meeting us there. Perfect.

Oh, my goodness.

[Laughs]

[Cell phone rings]

Yeah?

Hey, you alone?

No, whole g*ng's here. Why?

Put your poker face on.

Oh.

I am Lady Gaga, baby. What's up?

Theresa and I are getting married.

What?

Poker face, assh*le!

Okay, yes.

No, I-I knew that already.

She had told me when we got back to...

I'm Lady Gaga again. What the hell?

Okay, I need you to meet us at the courthouse on West Washington.

Don't tell anybody. Don't rush out the door like a maniac.

Just be cool.

Is this payback for the skin-cream prank?

Tell Hank it's not payback.

It's not payback.

God damn.

Lady Gaga, please, not a peep.

And when you leave, take Brian with you, so nobody gets suspicious.

10-4.

Not a word to anyone... no one.

Oh, you ain't got to worry, brother.

I am CIA on this bitch.

What's up?

So we can't get married for at least 24 hours?

No. Maybe it's a sign.

That we shouldn't do it?

No!

That we should go to Vegas and do it.

Sorry we're late, bro.

Hey.

Look, they figured out something was up while I was talking to you.

I thought you had your poker face on.

If that was his poker face, we got to start playing some g*dd*mn cards around the depot, man.

Did we miss everything?

No...

Jesus, Maeve, you called Billy?

I couldn't go to a wedding without a date.

Wait. This is a date? Hell, yeah.

Hey, I'm all better now, Theresa.

We got seven witnesses and no way to get married.

Yeah, the law says we have to wait 24 hours.

Wait, I got a way. My Uncle runs a church across town.

It's pentecostal.

You think he'd do it?

Really?

He'll do almost anything if you got the cash.

I'll call him real quick.

What's this witness bullshit?

We need two witnesses.

I know that, assh*le.

You got a shitload of witnesses.

I need a title, bro, like Best Man.

No, we're not doing all of that.

No.

Hey, when you said two years ago you was thinking about getting married, that hands down, I was the only choice for Best Man.

You still are.

You were thinking about marriage two years ago, and you didn't think to say anything to me?

If he gets to be best man, I'm Maid of Honor.

No, we're not doing that sh*t, Maeve.

That was just idle chat.

We were just bullshitting in the rig one day, you know?

Can I be a groomsman?

Idle chat about marrying me?

Babe, not right now.

Can we be bridesmaids?

I love that movie.

Hey, you said "bullshitting."

So were you bullshitting about marrying me?

Hey, how about ushers?

You got groomsmen. How about a couple ushers?

Does this look like I'm bullshitting you?

I don't know. You tell me.

But there won't be anyone to ush.

It's not about who I ush or who I don't ush.

It's about the position.

Two seconds ago, you wanted to throw in the towel.

Bullshit, when?

I am the Best Man.

Brian, you're the groomsman.

Yes!

I thought waiting 24 hours was a positive sign.

You thought it was a negative sign.

No.

What's Billy gonna be?

Billy should be an usher.

Step off, bitch.

I am the Best Man.

I'm the boss of all the men in the wedding party, not the groomsman.

Billy is an usher.

We should get dresses.

All: No!

We're not getting dresses, Maeve!

Then I'm the head usher.

There are only two of you!

I'm not having equal billing with some dim-witted Special Ed reject.

Now, either I'm the head usher, or I ain't no g*dd*mn usher at all.

[Speaking spanish]

Yo, he said he's gonna do it, y'all.

[All cheering]

Really?

So he's got an opening in an hour, but we got to be on time, because he has an exorcism right after that.

And it's gonna be 200 bucks cash.

200 bucks?

What kind of church is this?

It's called Iglesia Pentecostal Espiritu Santo de Kostner.

Costner... as in Kevin Costner?

Holy sh*t, I never thought about that.

Nah, that's just the street that it's on.

Okay.

But my Uncle really did like Tin Cup.

Cheech Marin, yo... that man is ridiculous.

Billy, don't start crying again.

Okay Kostner Street, everybody, lock and load.

T and I are gonna stop at the cash machine.

This... honey, this is a positive sign, right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, let's go.

Okay.

Let's go.

Come on, what do you think?

Now it's gonna be a wedding.

We gonna have a good time. What kind of church is this?

This is gonna be a good wedding!

What kind of church is this?

They got some kind of exorcism.

Don't nobody know. Look, we gonna do this right.

They could have chickens for ushers, man.

Chickens?

I don't know about no chicken.

What?

Hey, did Maeve blab this to you guys?

Yes, baby. Oh, my God.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Yes, yes, congratulations my ass, okay?

If you think that my daughter is marrying this kid in this fleabag fake friggin' church, you're all out of your g*dd*mn minds.

Language, Jerry.

I didn't say sh... hole, Bridget.

Dad!

Excuse me, sir.

My church is fully licensed.

Yeah, by who...

The Puerto Rican cockfighting association?

The joint's a dump, padre.

Hey, stay out of this, Mike.

You stayed out of our lives for 15 years.

We managed just fine.

Ma!

Hey, me and Johnny made up. You know, I apologized.

Now we talk, and we hang out. We do stuff.

We're like, um, uh... Father and son?

Very funny, I was thinking more like Starsky and Hutch.

Listen, kid, we got to think this over.

Let me take a picture.

I've got one of those new smartphones.

It's not up to you, Hutch.

It sure as hell ain't up to you, pal.

Get closer together.

What the hell do you mean by that?

Closer, scrunch in.

It means that my daughter's a ten, bigface.

Bigface?

Your face is huge.

This is news to you, secretariat?

Let me get in, father.

Sure.

Scrunch in, scrunch in. Say "cheeseburger."

You add to that the fact that she's a hero cop...

Cheeseburger.

That's a 13.

And she's marrying what?

This guy who's what? Maybe... Not for nothing... a four?

You assh*le. My son ain't no four.

Yeah, you tell him.

That's right.

He's at least a five.

What?

Well, add three points 'cause he's an E.M.T., and that makes him an eight.

Your daughter's a ten, minus two points for being a cop.

What?

That makes her an eight too.

So it all evens out here.

I'm confused.

Why is she losing two points?

'Cause you know what every firefighter and cop have in common?

They both want to be firefighters.

[Laughter]

Okay, that's...

That's funny.

Let's... let's not...

One more.

Mom, come on.

Come on, everybody, come on.

Quick, quick, quick, quick, let's just get it done.

Scrunch in.

One more, everyone in.

How do you know when a firefighter has passed away?

He drops the remote control.

Oh, that's enough!

Hey, hey, hey!

Please stop!

Hey, guys, listen up, hey!

The wedding...

Hey, listen!

This is our day... right.

Not yours.

Right.

And I am marrying the love of my life, who is not a 4 or a 5.

He is a frickin' 15.

Oh!

That's what I'm talking about.

Well, you were never too good at math, honey.

My chin is so weird in this.

We need one more. Father, just one more.

One more, thank you.

Hey, where's Cash and them at?

They're seating all the guests.

Both: Guests?

Yeah, there's, like, 35 Puerto Ricans in there.

What?

What?

Here at the Iglesia Del Espiritu Santo de Kostner...

Come on, let's go.

Fine!

One more!

My neck looked funny. We have to get in there.

We like to fill the pews.

It makes the occasion much more joyous.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Speaking of which, you have the $400?

Both: What?

I thought it was $200.

200 for the service, 200 for the joy.

Can we get an itemized receipt for this?

I only... I only have $200.

Does anybody have any money?

Um...

Don't look at me. I ain't the father of the bride.

What? What are you looking at me for?

Get in there!

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Kelly.

He's a cop. He ain't used to this.

Usually when cash changes hands, he's on the receiving end.

Hey, I earned that, pal!

[Overlapping shouting]

You want to start with me?

No, dad!

You'll be locked up, pal!

Yo, are you sure you want to do this?

Absolutely.

Look, I just need you to know...

I got the rig gassed up and ready to go.

We can Thelma & Louise this sh*t right now.

Not necessary, bro.

I'm good. Okay.

You realize they die at the end of that movie, right?

Who gives a sh*t? Brad Pitt lived.

What the hell is this?

This is your Best Man saving...

Oh!

Your sorry white ass.

Is this real?

$8,000 real.

Aah! Holy sh*t!

Jesus, Hank...

I advise against it.

Look, three months' salary is a normal amount of money to spend on a wedding ring, numbnuts, for someone you truly love.

Theresa's not really an $8,000-ring kind of girl.

That's why I love her.

Does she have tits?

She's got fabulous tits.

Then watch and learn, assh*le.

Holy sh*t!

[Gasps] Is that real?

Yes, it is.

Oh, my God!

I love you!

Oh, God.

Mom, look at this ring!

Oh, my... Oh, my God!

Aw. It's amazing.

I know more about p*ssy than you two dipshits put together, and I ain't even seen one since the day I was born.

Who's in the limo?

Oh, sh*t wait. Who is that?

Is that the driver?

Oh, my God, Maeve!

You look gorgeous.

Thanks. Hi.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Let me get a picture.

Say "cheeseburger."

Cheeseburger.

Cheeseburger.

Who's the driver?

My son Ramon.

We run a wedding store, as well as the church.

You got 'em coming and going, huh?

I got my eye on you, Father Damien.

Ramon got us a great deal.

It's the least I can do.

Besides, when I saw this tux, I thought, "Billy! Billy, Billy!"

[Laughter]

We're catholic, and I'm so glad to see a church that accepts the gays.

Ramon is not gay. He's creative.

You called Mom and Dad?

I wanted 'em to see me in this dress.

I said no dresses, Maeve.

Oh, my God, Theresa, you're jealous.

Ha!

That is so small...

Just like my ass in this hot little dress.

[Chuckles] Who's going to fat camp now?

Hey, I'm sorry, T.

♪ He is now here among you ♪
♪ At the calling of your hearts ♪
♪ rest assured this troubadour ♪
♪ is acting on His part ♪
♪ the union of your spirits here ♪
♪ has caused Him to remain ♪
♪ for whenever two or more of you ♪
♪ are gathered in His name ♪
♪ there is love ♪

[Trembling]

♪ El hombre deja su madre ♪
♪ y la mujer deja su casa ♪
♪ Los dos juntos van a ♪
♪ ir hacerse una persona ♪

That means you guys are gonna be one.

[Crying]

[Rooster crows]

[Sniffling]

You look beautiful.

Johnny, man, I just love you, man.

I love you too, Billy.

Thanks, Billy.

In the interest of time, I will keep my remarks brief.

We gather today to witness the joining of two loving people as they embark on the journey of marriage.

It has been said by one greater than me, "When a defining moment comes along, you must define the moment, or the moment will define you."

Isn't that from the movie Bull Durham?

No, Tin Cup, when Costner's talking to Cheech Marin.

No, that's Bull Durham.

Tin Cup.

Shh!

"I believe in the heart.

I believe in the soul.

I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last forever and ever."

That's Bull Durham, horseface.

[Grunting like a horse]

Quiet.

Do you, Jimmy Farrell...

Johnny.

Take this woman, Theresa, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold and so on and so forth?

I do.

And do you, Theresa Kelly, take this man, Tommy, to be your lawfully wedded husband, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah?

Yes, Johnny, I do.

If there is anyone amongst you who knows of any reason why Theresa and Donny should not be joined together...

[rooster crows]

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Oh, I do.

There's an entire barn's worth of fighting birds locked up down in the basement and a fully equipped cockfighting ring, and you, Father Julio, are under arrest.

Ay, Dios!

What?

Ramon!

Maricon!

[Gasping in pain] Oh, no, no!

[Concerned chatter]

Brian, get the A.E.D.

[Woman gasps]

There's no time for that!

Everyone out of the g*dd*mn way!

[Rooster crows]

[Sirens wailing]

Vital signs stabilizing fast.

He's conscious.

I'm glad you're still with us, Padre,

'cause you're under arrest for running an illegal gambling operation.

You have the right to remain silent, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

There's something wrong with this phone.

I don't have bags under my eyes.

So what exactly do we call ourselves now, hmm?

Engaged?

Still on a break from each other? What?

How about roommates?

You're gonna move in with me?

Mm-hmm.

You can commit to that?

Yeah, 'cause I love you.

And based on the price of that ring, I can't really afford to live by myself anymore, so...

Look, so shiny.

[Laughs]

I'd say visit me in prison...

But I'll probably be juggling a few guys by then.

[Siren wailing]

I don't see what the hoopla is about a ring.

Anybody can go to a mall and walk out with a ring.

But it takes a special kind of man to find the severed digit of a real, live person, carefully package it up, carry it across the city, and present it as a gift to another real, live person, like you did for me.

That was very, very deep.

It creates a unique and lasting bond.

You know I can't procure you any more body parts, right?

North Cicero's gonna be jammed, so maybe cut down West Kinzie to South Central.

Babe, I drive for a living. I think I know where I'm going.

And I don't?

Cut down Kinzie. I'm not cutting down Kinzie.

Oh, I am going to throw this g*dd*mn ring out the window.

Okay, all right, all right.

Cut down Kinzie!

I'll cut down Kinzie.

There. Happy now?

Yep.

Oh, sh*t.

It's wide open.

Sucker.

You were right.

Take a left on Laramie.

I will. I was gonna.

No, you weren't.

I always take a left on Laramie.

You never take Laramie.

Laramie is my street.

I showed you Laramie!

Oh, really?

I've known Laramie for years. You know that.

We're gonna have to move all your stuff.

When do you want to move?

I don't know if I want to anymore.

I'm just kidding.

You're an idiot.