01x01 - Gods of Dangerous Financial Instruments

[bunniefuu]

Ah, f*ck.

[Upbeat music]

Wake up.

Wake...Up.

[Whines]

Yeah.

[Snoring]

Try this.

[Grunts] Oh, f*ck.

Hey, dad.

[Gasps]

Oh, sh*t. Hey.

Grandpa's making French toast.

What's mom doing here?

Oh, your mother, she...

[Laughs]

She had some work to do.

Why is she asleep?

It was hard work.

Should I tell grandpa to make her French toast?

Oh, absolutely not.

Okay.

[Helicopter whirring]

[Door slams]

[Upbeat music]

[Chuckles]

Don't...Ever...f*ck your ex...Wife.

Monica, can you please get out of here?

Where is here?

It's my place.

How many pills did you have last night anyway?

[Grunting] Which flavor?

Baby, this isn't gonna happen again.

What did happen last night?

What did you think happened last night?

Oh, I smell French toast.

Yeah, but you can't have any.

You have to get out.

Come on.

After what you did to me last night...

Why not?

Because you're a sociopath and an addict, Yeah.

[Laughs]

Good-bye, boys!

Bye, mom!

Oh.

Love you.

Hey, dad, sit down and eat.

Lost my appetite.

[Door closes]

Bet you're hungry, though.

Oh, yeah, I'm starved.

Auditions are today.

For what again?

Grease.

Yeah.

And what part are you auditioning?

Sandy.

The part immortalized by Olivia Newton-John.

Huh.

That's great, bud.

Think you got a sh*t?

Brittany Kauffman knows all the songs, but she looks like a pug.

Well, great, go for it.

I bet you're gonna kick that little pug's ass.

Dad...

Damn right.

I gotta poo.

So I just--

Yeah.

Just like it was any part in any play.

Yeah, 'cause dressing up like a slut and trying to get John Travolta to f*ck you, that's just like trying out for the little league, right, dad?

Oh, you wanna f*ck him up about it, just lean on in, call him a Nancy boy.

He's looking for me to push back.

He's looking for a little positive attention.

All right, super shrink.

Retired.

Yes, exactly.

So why don't you go play dominos or something and stop trying to tell me how to raise my kid.

Maybe I wouldn't have to be here if he had one fit parent between the two of you.

[Chokes and laughs] Really?

I mean 'cause you were an awesome parent.

All right, look, I guess your mother and I could have done a better job.

Dad.

I gotta go to work.

Ha.

I actually have a real job.

Since when is management consulting a real job?

Since it pays seven figures a year.

Hey, dad, are you gonna see a Broadway show in New York?

I don't think so, buddy.

I got a lot of work to do.

Well, when you get back, can we go shoe shopping?

Yes, shoe shopping this weekend.

Thanks, dad.

Love you.

Love you too.

If we don't stick the landing on this one, our pod could be eliminated.

Hey, no pressure.

So what are they looking for?

They're looking for a market position.

Like they don't already have one.

They're masters of the f*cking universe.

You know, it's like my econ Professor at Harvard used to say to me...

Oh, my God.

"Never examine the motives of the guys writing your checks."

Unless you say something that supports the position they're secretly hoping we advance.

Yeah, but what's the objective?

They want us to tell them that they're prefect.

Look, f*ck what they want, okay?

Consulting's like dissing a really pretty girl so that she'll want you more.

We need them to think they're almost perfect, so we can book that afterwork.

Afterwork.

Afterwork, really, is the goal of all consulting.

Get them on the tit, thinking that their business is gonna fail without you.

They hire you week in and week out.

That's millions and millions in billable hours.

That's what we want, baby.

[Crunching]

[Speaking indistinctly]

Please.

God.

Doug, chew.

What?

God, sorry.

Don't take another bite.

I can't help it.

It's really good.

Here's the thing.

These guys are just looking for a way to justify their bonuses.

Yeah.

And why shouldn't they?

Because they robbed the American public of billions of dollars by selling them bad mortgages?

Oh, boo-hoo.

So who are the players?

The CEO of Metrocapital is K. Warren McDale.

But his little yapping spaniel is Greg Norbert.

It's gonna be about scoring with Norbert.

But he knows that.

We can't suck up to this guy.

We got a alpha-dog his ass.

Marty, we cannot get counseled out on this job.

Counseled out.

That's consultant for fired.

It's not good.

Look, she's basically giving it to you.

She wasn't.

That's not true.

Come on, I'm gonna figure it out one of these days, your dirty little secret.

You are?

Yeah.

My secret?

That's right.

Whatever it is.

Okay.

I mean, I know about the baby thing, but--

What baby thing?

The baby thing.

You want to have a baby.

Someday.

I mean, after I make partner.

Yeah. But when we got drunk in Pittsburgh that time, you said...

What?

What did you say?

You wanted to...

f*ck, what was it?

Oh, my God.

It was terrifying.

Oh, harvest!

No.

You wanted to harvest your eggs.

You know what?

You have no soul.

Because you didn't wanna depend on a man.

I never said that.

But it's true.

That's some control freak sh*t, Jeannie.

You got to look at that.

[The Beastie Boys'

Pop Your Balloon plays]

♪ Pop your balloon, pop pop your balloon ♪
♪ pop your balloon, pop pop your balloon ♪
♪ pop your balloon, pop pop your balloon ♪
♪ pop your balloon, pop pop your balloon ♪
♪ we come together up on the mic and rock it ♪
♪ we got styles ain't none of y'all can top it ♪
♪ we in the cut and, yes, we in the pocket ♪
♪ we're getting down and that's right, that's right ♪
♪ that's right, that's right, that's right ♪

Oh, my God.

I have a deep feeling of dread.

Don't start that sh*t, Doug.

I gotta say, the man is on to something.

These guys are animals.

They created the subprime meltdown, and now they're cashing in on it.

They are taking their spoils in the form of outrageous bonuses like any good robber baron.

Marty, they're gods of dangerous financial instruments.

You think they're just gonna let us walk out of here alive?

You're forgetting they think they need us.

Thank you, Jeannie.

Now, why don't you sweet young maidens go inside and change your panties and see if we can find a cube farm for the data dump.

Data dump--

That's the actual information.

The numbers, the dirt.

Everything else is horse sh*t.

Except perception, which is horse sh*t you can leverage.

All right, let's go get this money.

Okay.

I'm gonna take a stroll, see if I can get a feeling for the corporate culture.

Hi, good afternoon.

Galweather--

I'll just sneak in here real quick.

I'll take care of it from here.

And this is my mobile.

You can call me whenever you want and we'll see what happens.

She won't call.

We'll see what happens.

She won't. Thank you.

Sorry.

Hey, are you from Galweather?

Yes, I am.

Marty Kaan?

Yeah.

Greg Norbert.

Greg Norbert.

Yeah. I need you right away.

McDale wants you in a strategy session.

Did you say Greg Norbert?

[Chuckles] Yeah, I did.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

What?

That's all right.

[Laughs]

What?

Huh?

What? No...

Nothing.

What?

You hear things...

And then you put a face to a name.

It's-- it's interesting.

All right, Greg.

Where are we?

You wanted a five-minute blue-sky with Galweather.

I thought we hired a team from Galweather?

No, you did.

You did.

They're in the other room waiting for the data dump.

I can go bring them in if you'd like.

You're Kaan?

You're the mad genius we're paying all this money for?

Well, why don't you just tell us what you're thinking?

Go.

Okay.

[Clears throat]

Metrocapital, as is, is a work of art.

It's a Giotto, a Rembrandt.

So how do you make improvements on a masterpiece?

So the germane question is where do you feel you're headed as a company organically?

Because, look, the pod remains convinced there's a burning platform, but we just don't have a bandwidth to go into a black factory and blow up the paradigms with a white paper.

[Laughs] We don't have it.

You think I haven't hired and fired a thousand management consultants?

I know all of your bullshit tricks.

You get me a dog that hunts...

Or I'll put a b*llet in its head.

[Chuckles]

All right, Greg, what's next?

Well, let's look at the numbers.

We're f*cked.

I mean, we're gonna get counseled out.

I can feel it.

Oh, my God, Doug.

Shut up.

You gotta shut the f*ck up.

Why don't we just pitch massive layoffs, right?

It usually freaks everybody out, gets the attention off of us.

They don't need massive layoffs.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, Clyde, put together a radical right-size proposal.

We'll have it in our pocket in case we need it.

[Phone tune plays]

Hello, principal Gita, is everything okay?

Yes, Mr. Kaan, lovely.

It's a beautiful sunny day...

Yes, but I'm in the middle of something. Can you--

Well, we had the auditions for grease today.

Yeah, I heard.

And Roscoe was outstanding.

Hi, good to see you.

And Mrs. Borsiczky decided to use him as Sandy.

And that's great, isn't it?

But another Sandy, Brittany Kauffman--

Yeah, the pug.

Pardon me?

Nothing.

Brittany was very disappointed.

Brittany's mother made the point that the part was given to a boy and that there are plenty of boys' parts in the show.

Listen, he didn't audition for a boy's part.

He auditioned for the part of Sandy.

He wants to sing summer nights and wear poodle skirt, okay?

And he got the part of the Sandy 'cause he was the best Sandy.

And now Brittany Kauffman's mom can't stand it that her little baby isn't getting every g*dd*mn thing she wants, so she's off on some kind of a gender witch hunt.

Well, perhaps you could come down.

Gita, listen.

My boy got the part of Sandy, he's gonna play Sandy.

Mr. Kaan?

Congratulations.

It's one of the pink ladies, right?

So, tell me more.

Tell me more.

Did she put up a fight?

[Laughs] Look, let's get the f*ck out of this fish bowl and see if we can find some $1,000-sushi joint that we can bill these assholes for.

All right, just tell me this.

I'm curious.

Why is it so important to you that I have some crazy secret that you're always trying to figure out?

Oh, well.

It's just 'cause I've, you know, analyzed it using my very powerful regression model, and there's an 87% likelihood that we're gonna sleep together, so...

Ha!

Yeah, it's true.

So we should just get to know each other...

Grossly inaccurate.

Get comfortable with the idea.

Wow.

Avoid all that awkwardness later, like, "oh, can I use your toothbrush?"

No.

You want pepper on that?

Is your poop-chute an option?

Oh, my God.

What?

It's so interesting, because when I look at you...

Uh-huh.

I honestly see sometimes like a decent-looking, intelligent...

Yes.

You know, employed, if over-educated guy...

Thank you.

And then...

You open your mouth, and the damage just spills right out.

And, Marty, I was a business psych major, and I don't even wanna tell you what I see.

Whoa!

That sounds bad.

No $1,000 sushi, but they do have Vienna sausage and dip.

And p*ssy.

Jesus Christ, Doug, are you kidding me?

What?

You have absolutely no grace.

I'm looking.

These are young women.

Are we billing Metrocap for this?

Duh.

♪ Open up wide ♪
♪ lemme show you what's it made for ♪
♪ like a finger, like a donkey ♪
♪ lemme see you play, play with your monkey ♪
♪ damn, cause your ass so chunky ♪
♪ bring it here, sweaty, 'cause I love it when it's funky ♪

Let's spend their money.

♪ Come, girl, I'm tryin' to get your p*ssy wet ♪
♪ work that, let me see you drip sweat ♪
♪ gon' play with it, gon' play with it ♪
♪ gon' play with it, gon' play with it ♪
♪ gon' play with it ♪
♪ work that clit ♪
♪ come, girl ♪
♪ we gon' get busy tonight ♪
♪ ♪

Wha--

[Both laughing]

Whoo-hoo!

You got it?

Yeah, I'm good.

Okay, okay.

Ooh. I know that this relationship started off as more of a transaction, but what if I'm really falling in love with you?

Oh, wow, none of my customers have ever fallen in love with me.

What?

Or projected any crazy sh*t onto me.

I'm gonna be your first?

Uh-huh.

Oh, sh*t.

Come on.

Taxi.

I'm starving.

Hey, give me a double.

[Laughing]

Oh, man.

It's cold out there, man.

I got it.

You got it.

Hey, Marty.

Jer--B--Greg.

[Laughter]

Hey.

Greg?

Somebody stayed out late.

Up a little early.

Breakfast.

Are you gonna introduce me to your, uh...

Your, uh...

Wife.

Wife?

Your wife.

His wife.

My wife.

Oh, yeah.

No, you didn't, uh...

You didn't mention that you brought your wife.

Oh, I thought that I'd--

Baby...

I thought that I had mentioned that.

No, I don't remember that you mentioned it, no.

It's, uh...

April.

April.

April.

Yeah.

It's nice.

I'm Greg Norbert.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Marty, I like how we both went for the trophy wives.

Air boom!

Boom!

Boom!

Boom!

So I'm just getting a cappuccino, doing a half marathon before work.

What about you guys?

Oh, um...

Before everything gets too hectic, we like to have a little us-time.

A little us-time, Greg.

Oh, sweet.

You guys newlyweds?

Hey, f*ck it.

Hey, I got an idea.

Double date tonight.

Steaks and cocktails to go over our takeaways for the big guy tomorrow.

What do you say?

Say yes.

We've got that, uh...

Resistance. Don't resist me.

You'll break my heart.

This is the way it's done.

We'll be there, Greg.

Man, I like her, Marty.

She's a keeper--I like her more than you like her.

And see you guys, tonight.

All right, Greg.

Take it easy, buddy.

Wait a minute, listen.

This isn't a f*cking game, okay?

These guys are gonna eat you alive.

We'll see about that.

[Distant siren blaring]

These guys are f*cking evil.

I think we're completely screwed.

No, we're not.

You gotta trust daddy.

When he comes in here, he's gonna k*ll it.

Speak of the devil.

Jesus Christ.

He's in the same f*cking clothes.

Kiddies.

Hey, daddy.

What could you possibly be doing here this early?

Not banging strippers?

Good answer.

But it just so happens that I had a very important pre-dawn meeting full of strategery with one Mr. Greg Norbert.

Bullshit.

And we are--

Is that coffee?

Yeah, I--

Having dinner tonight to put our last bits of spit and Polish on our presentation to Mr. McDale.

Thank you.

Hold on. You're having dinner with Norbert?

Absolutely.

That's great.

Mm-hmm. He's very anxious to meet my wife.

Your what?

Here's the thing.

You don't have a wife.

Ha! Please tell me you're not bringing a stripper to a business dinner.

Stripper wife.

Why am I high-fiving that?

Yeah.

Oh, is that me?

I would rather work at Arby's.

That can be arranged, Jeannie bean.

All right, let's get busy.

We need to pull every nasty thing anyone in the world has ever said about Metrocapital fast.

How would that possibly--

Just trust me, please.

Trust you.

f*ck me.

Hmm, hi sweetie.

f*ckin' double-booked.

Double-booked is not good, especially when you're the ones they double-booked on.

Especially when the company they double-booked is the number one firm in the country to your number two.

Especially when they employ your crazy ex-wife who you just angry-banged.

Probably the best f*cking closer in the world.

You know, getting double-booked on is one big fat f*ck you.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

That's never fun.

It doesn't really happen to us, but from what I understand, it's a real bummer.

Oh, it just happened to you, baby.

Just because they double-booked doesn't mean they sh*t-canned us.

Yet.

So, Olivia Newton-John, huh?

Wow, super-mom.

You're in the loop.

Well, you know, he still loves me, even if I forget to love him.

You just let him flounce around like it's a done deal.

Oh, well, our son is a tr*nny for life.

He's experimenting with different expressions of gender identification.

Oh, my God.

I can actually see your dad's hand shoved up your ass, working your mouth like a little sock puppet.

He keeps the kid sane, you f*cking psycho.

Good luck, cunties.

Which one of you is she f*cking?

Or is it a group thing?

Hello?

Fair enough.

Um...

Can I ask you some questions about these guys?

How long have you lived out here?

You look good.

You too.

Do I look like a stripper?

[Laughs] No.

Escort.

High-end.

Come on.

Thank you, Greg.

You got all you want?

Look that that.

Oh.

Boom.

Kaboom, kabab, kadunk.

Oh, there we go.

Look it, that's the timing.

That's the secret to...

Lovely.

I can tell you do a lot of pilates.

Yes.

A lot.

Almost nonstop.

I can tell.

So Marty, what do you got for us?

Anything dazzling?

All the guys in the consulting biz say you're the guy for outside the box.

Now, why do people say "outside the box" to describe outside the box when the term "outside the box" is so inside the box?

[Laughter]

All right, I'm gonna go to the ladies.

I'll go with you.

All right then.

Oh, Marty, she's insanely hot.

Yeah.

Well, Rachel is also...Foine.

Yeah, she's a dead lay.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Dead on arrival.

Oh.

Wow!

What about Greg?

I woke up a week into the marriage and realized I really like girls in a way that isn't part-time.

[Pearls clattering] [Gasps]

Nobody's is getting fired.

Yet.

Look, I am pulling for you.

I'm 100%.

But?

But McDale thinks Kinsley-Johnson's gonna deliver.

Why them and not us?

Is it a ranking thing?

They're ranked one, we're ranked two?

You know, it's because they're the firm that does the ranking, right?

You know that, right, Greg?

I look at the proposals side by side-- That's all.

He's leaning towards Kinsley-Johnson.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I don't wanna bullshit you.

I don't want you to get blindsided.

But here's the thing Kinsley doesn't know--

He's already thinking about a three-year transitional engagement.

Boom!

That's a shitload afterwork.

Does McDale put any stock in your opinion?

Oh, yeah, f*cking-a.

Okay, good.

Then you're not influenced by which way he's leaning.

He's the CEO of the company.

Jesus Christ, Greg, does any original thought happen inside that sterile f*cking environment, or is it just a bunch of you guys ass-licking?

There's no ass-licking.

Are you your own man?

I'm my own man!

The...

Your hair is all...

Oh.

I thought you guys fell in.

Almost.

Girl talk.

I can't believe they haven't stormed the building and strung you all up by the nuts.

Oh, give me a break.

I agree!

Toast!

Oh, please.

Hmm? Hmm?

Right? Right? Yes.

A bunch of f*cking babies.

I mean, they love us when the market's f*ring, and every dumbshit community college dropout has a mortgage and an Escalade.

Oh, God, nice, Greg.

You f*cking elitist.

It's f*cking--

It's true, man.

They can't handle it when the sh*t bottoms out, and they have to actually use a brain cell to make a f*ckin' dollar!

I mean, cowboy the f*ck up!

Yeah.

Hey.

Right.

You are such a pig.

I'm a pig.

Oh, you have--

Well, you know, I don't see you complaining about the cars, the houses, and the netjet and the boat...

No, no, no...

Not the boat.

She made me come more in a toilet stall in six minutes than you have in the past three years!

What the f*ck are you saying?

I was squirting, Greg!

Oh, my God.

What?

[Whispering] What is squirting?

You what?

Well, this is...

It was really nice to meet you.

I'll see you tomorrow at the office.

What the f*ck are you--

I have to--

Oh, take it easy, guys.

Take your hands off me.

Let go, let go of me.

Aah!

My f*cking eye!

Stop it.

f*ck you.

Let go of my leg!

I'm my own man.

So, Jeannie, you, uh, said you didn't wanna tell me what you saw the other night.

I'm a big boy.

Tell me what you see.

Not now, assh*le.

Why not?

Because I wouldn't want you to head butt me or anything.

Or you only do that to the client?

Oh, come on, tell me.

Best sh*t.

All right.

Um...

Someone who is so afraid that they can barely function.

Let alone have an authentic moment with another human being.

And so you insulate yourself with your numbers and your models and your formulae.

You got me.

You know what the real fear is?

What?

That some earnest barnard grad is gonna try to use their overpriced bullshit therapy on me.

It's Columbia.

What?

What?

It's Columbia.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, remember that foolproof computer model that told you that we were gonna have sex?

Yes, I do.

Doug helped me with that.

Hey.

Okay, here's the deal.

In order for a computer model to be worth a crap, it has to begin with credible information.

And, for starters...I am never gonna sleep with you.

And you know all your fear and self-loathing and "I'm a piece of sh*t at the center of the universe"?

That's about your mom's su1c1de, Marty.

Who the f*ck told you--

I guessed.

Clyde told me.

[Sighs] Well...

We're definitely gonna sleep together now.

Pity bang.

[Applause]

[Laughs]

Good luck.

Oh, they were good.

But you got dressed up so pretty, let's give this a sh*t.

Gentlemen.

We're running over, so let's keep this moving, huh?

Oh, absolutely.

Awesome.

This shouldn't take a lot of time, because I'm not gonna do the whole hand job thing that the Kinsley group just did, you know, stroke the shaft, cradle the balls, maybe a finger up the ass, Greg, squirt?

Now, I'm sure that they told you that Metrocapital is synonymous with ethical trading and that legally, you can't be touched.

They told you to just do some image spots, go ahead and take your bonuses, right?

Let me know how that goes.

Those on wall street cannot resume taking risks without regard for consequences.

Too many were motivated only by the appetite for quick kills and bloated bonuses.

I think it's as serious a situation as this country has faced since the great depression.

And I lost my job and...

We lost our house as well.

I had a beautiful four-bedroom home.

You're paying off, like, fat bonuses to everybody else.

I am so angry.

Now we have to use their college funds to pay the debt on a house that we don't even live in anymore.

McDale and his Metrocapital f*ckers, you should be ashamed of yourself.

I don't hate anybody, but he's close.

Metrocapital can go f*ck themselves.

Two great big f*ck yous.

[Mouthing] f*ck you.

f*ck off.

Those bastards at Metrocapital--

f*ck you all.

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, America f*ckin' hates you.

I don't know what the hell is the matter with you.

Look at the screen.

Get them out of here.

Oh, come on, K. Warren.

Just look at the actual "amnesty program."

I'm not interested in any amnesty program.

Well, you're definitely interested in something.

I mean, otherwise, why would you be looking at a three-year transitional...

Transit--

D-- No?

Uh--

Oh, it doesn't matter.

I'll take it from here, Greg.

[Clears throat] Now, we've spent the last few days crawling up the heiny-end of Metro-Crapital and back out its mouth.

We know that you are on the verge--

And it is a very real verge--

Of watching Joe six-pack and hockey mom take their meager earnings elsewhere.

We are looking at a potential 40% falloff in customer loyalty.

Now, that is roughly $940 billion on an annual amort.

Ouchies.

Which will, of course, mean a crippling domino effect to your wholesale business, so, you know...

Exponential ouchies.

Now, you may not care about these customers--

[whispers] I know I don't.

But the fact remains if they jump ship, you will have nothing to finance your little sorties into the land of risky and potentially lucrative financial instruments.

So what are you gonna do?

You're gonna puss out, flee to your houses in St. Barts, hire a private security force?

Not just yet.

After the announcement, we will roll out the amnesty applications.

We estimate an initial surge to market of about 17 million applicants.

And after the initial disqualifications, we're left with about 9 million remaining.

Then the applications will go through processing with another 8,800,000 eliminated.

Nearly half of which will be due to good old inertia and lack of follow-through.

Then a final fraud comb will go through along with the series of technical DQS--

6% mortality DQS.

It's your basic bump and grab, guys.

You have a mark--

The customer.

A jostler bumps into them, creates a distraction.

That's the amnesty program.

And the grab--that's you all taking your bonuses while they're all admiring your amnesty program.

By the time all the paperwork's in, you'll pay out about 50,000 full writedowns.

Total cost?

About as much as your Kinsley image spots.

When can you implement?

We can schedule a press conference for Monday morning.

And...

[Whispers] Your bonuses?

Belly up, and take 'em Monday afternoon.

Galweather and stern will walk you through the entire affair.

And while you're at it, K. Warren, enjoy your time in the sun as America's newest hero.

Can you feel me?

[Star Spangled Banner plays]

[Fireworks]

This is it.

This is the moment.

The moment...Like when you're deep-sea fishing and you feel it on the line--

Tug, tug, bang...Big one, baby.

The moment when you have the guys who have the world by the balls-- by the balls.

♪ Yeah ♪
♪ here we go ♪

Wait a minute.

[Laughing]

I never pegged you for a hugger, K. Warren.

Call me Kenny.

[Applause] I knew it.

I knew it.

You had it in you.

Home run.

Is this woman even gonna show up?

Because this is really unnecessary.

I mean, I can just put you in touch with my lawyer.

Do you understand me?

[Door opens]

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

The traffic was terrible.

Sweetie, have a seat.

Hi.

Hi.

You must be Marty.

I am.

Hi.

Hi.

[Both chuckle]

Here you go, grandpa.

Oh, thank you.

So...

[Clears throat]

I talked to principal Gita and Brittany's mom.

And we decided that the best thing would be if Brittany...Played Sandy and you played Rizzo.

What?

She can't play Sandy.

And Rizzo's a slut.

She should play Rizzo.

Have you seen her?

She looks like Shaq.

That's because she's a fat lard.

Yeah, well.

But I got the part of Sandy.

It's not fair.

Life is full of unfair moments, bud.

I'm sorry.

You're gonna be a great Rizzo, though.

I'll be her understudy.

Then I'll f*ck her up somehow.

Watch your mouth.

But...Yeah.

That's the spirit.

♪ 'Cause he sounds like a drag ♪
♪ shoo-bop, bop, shoo-bop, bop ♪
♪ shoo-bop, bop, shoo-bop, bop ♪
♪ shoo-bop bop, shoo-bop bop ♪
♪ shoo-bop bop, yeah ♪

That's my boy.

♪ He got friendly, holding my hand ♪
♪ while she got friendly ♪

Ow!

♪ Down in the sand ♪
♪ he was sweet, just turned 18 ♪

[Moaning, grunting]

Oh, my God...

[Screams]

Oh! Mother...

Aah! Aah!

Fucker!

Ah!

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ tell me more, tell me more ♪
♪ ♪
♪ tell me more, tell me more ♪

[Cheering and applause]

[Whistling]

Yeah.

[Man shouting]

[Razor whirring]

[Phone tune plays]

Yeah.

Wow, could you not answer the phone with yeah?

It's very impolite.

Oh, yeah.

You know being polite's all that matters to me.

4:30 A.M. pickup tomorrow morning.

Omaha, right?

Mm-hmm.

It's beautiful this time of year.

Oh, yeah.

Paris for the obese.

All right.

Well...

Hey, Jeannie, uh...

Listen, do you think...

Am I, uh...

What?

Nothing.

I'll see you tomorrow.

[Phone beeps]

♪ You're gonna know my name ♪
♪ by the end of the night ♪