01x06 - Our Descent Into Los Angeles

[bunniefuu]

My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management consultant.

Every week me and my team go somewhere and talk people into thinking they really, really need us.

Rainmaker: In a fight between Greg Norbert and Marty Kaan...

m*therf*cker.

...all the f*cking money is on you.

She made me come more in a toilet stall in six minutes than you have in the past three years.

You could not resist slapping around Greg Norbert's manhood.

I think you wish someone would take you and f*ck your brains out.

'Cause whoever's doing it now isn't doing it right.

I think we should have the engagement party.

Marty: Still don't know exactly what it is we do?

Time's up. Got to run. Call me.

(laughing)

(sighs)

Aw...

What's wrong, what's wrong?

God, what the f*ck happened?

You know, I think you hit your d*ck.

I did?

Yes.

Man: We're beginning our descent into Los Angeles.

If you are just visiting Los Angeles we hope you have an enjoyable trip.

If you live in the greater L.A. area, welcome home.

(sighs) Home.

The place a management consultant goes To... do his laundry.

(pinging)

...traveling to other destinations, see your gate attendant for your flight assignments.

Have a wonderful day, and thank you for flying with us.

We're on the road Monday to Thursday every week, in the office Friday and then back on the road Monday.

So every week, every year, as the mileage rewards accumulate, and the travel hook-up points accrue, I know you just checked out my ass.

What? He did not.

What? He did.

I may have.

And?

Not bad.

Thank you.

Hey, Jeannie, hold up.

Hey, listen, it's the last weekend of the national tour of Wicked, and I happen to have an extra ticket for Saturday.

Oh, Lordy...

Didn't want to ask the others, but...

I-- you know what, I actually have to get going, but I'm going to see you guys bright and early tomorrow.

Bye, Jeannie.

Hey, Clyde, what do you say, Wicked?

Doug, I wish I could, but I have to clean my oven, so I can stick my head in it and k*ll myself.

See, that's what I'd rather do than go on a man date to Wicked with you.

Have a great day, though.

Just say no.

Just say no.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah.

Sure.

So you go home and do what you can to cope with the shift.

♪

HOUSE OF LIES S01 Ep06 - Our Descent Into Los Angeles (school bell ringing)

My dad smokes weed.

Not mine.

That's cool, too.

Yeah?

Would you ever?

Smoke weed?

No.

What else wouldn't you do?

I don't know, lots of stuff.

What would you do?

Lots of stuff.

He kissed me.

No I didn't.

You kissed me.

I didn't. I considered it, but I'm not that into him.

You did.

I didn't.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

(knocking)

What?

Marty, your 10:00 is here.

I don't have a 10:00.

You have somebody out here who says you do.

Mr. Kaan.

Thank you so much for seeing me on such short notice.

My pleasure.

Uh, right this way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, baby, baby, baby, slow down.

What are you doing here?

You're not happy to see me?

Should I be?

Are you nervous?

Marty Kaan is nervous.

Sweetheart, I'm not nervous.

Confused a little, maybe befuddled, definitely horny, but not nervous.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were in New York.

I got in.

USC-- full ride.

What? You got into S.C.?

Future lawyer.

Give it up.

You may approach the bench.

(chuckles)

Mama, I think it's okay for you to admit now that your move was a little about me.

I admit it.

Yeah.

I uprooted my life, moved cross-country for a guy I met stripping.

Uh-huh.

So I could intermittently relieve his boredom during the three days a week he's off the road.

Oh.

Because I am so in his thrall.

Doesn't that feel better...

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

...just to get all that out in the open like that?

Mm-hmm.

(chuckles) Oh, sweetheart, you remember Greg Norbert?

Greg Norbert...

You turned out his wife?

Right.

Oh, I definitely remember his wife.

Yeah.

She sexted me a couple times.

That is so sweet.

But listen, he's here.

He's trying to buy the company.

Marty the cat will land on his feet.

I don't know about that.

See, I have this non-compete clause in my contract.

It means I can't just take my talents and start working for the competition across the street.

That's not good.

No, it's not good at all.

I'd prefer if Mr. Norbert didn't find you here today.

You must be so stressed.

I can't even talk about it.

You know what, come here.

There are only a few things that work for stress.

Yeah?

I've had a lot of success with this particular...

April, this is a bad idea at this time, this place.

I've done a lot of research.

It works.

April, April...

Oh, hello.

Ohh!

You're going to be an excellent lawyer.

Marty...

Can I... Can we just put all the animosity on hold for like five minutes?

I just need a sounding board, bro.

It's my wife.

Oh, my ex, I guess.

Jesus, I can't even say it.

I know she's younger and not exactly a rocket scientist, but she has such pretty hair.

Yeah, hey, Greg, I was... do you think that it would be possible if we could just, uh... do this at another... another time?

Maybe in your office?

You know, I think Skip has bugged my office.

No.

I just feel like everything I'm saying in there is being listened to.

Just like someone's privy to my private...

Is everything okay?

I have this back cramp that's crazy...

You know what, Marty?

Hey, I'm not here on business.

I'm not playing you here, man.

This is mano a mano.

You are misusing that term, Greg.

What?

Yeah.

"Mano a mano," uh... doesn't mean man to man.

It means hand to hand.

It's like combat.

But I think what you're trying to say is man to man so you're actually using it in the exact inverse of what you're trying to say.

R-Really?

Yeah.

It's a common mistake.

f*cking consultants.

You guys are sharp, man.

You are the sharpest of the sharp.

I'm going to write that down.

I got it.

I got other pens, Greg.

Let me explain.

Rolling under... No.

Nice pen.

Yeah, I got that as a gift.

Can I be honest with you?

It's weird because I want to k*ll you.

But I feel a kinship, you know?

We should hang.

That would be awesome, but I've got this crazy workload...

Since I've been in So Cal, in LaLa Land, I write things down.

Wow.

I started meditating.

Kiteboarding. f*ck, right?

f*ck.

Yeah, vroom.

(cell phone ringing)

No, that's not me.

(Greg mutters)

Oh, f*ck.

Principal Gita.

Monica: I have a real great nail place, it's just down the street.

I would totally...

Oh, hi, sweetie.

What the f*ck is going on?

You have my son out there traumatized, Gita.

Can we just dial back the language, Mr. Kaan?

It's not going to help your cause.

Okay, what the f*ck is she doing here?

Well, I thought, given the seriousness of what happened, both parents should be present.

Our son's out there on some bogus sexual harassment charges...

Marty.

...and you're just sitting here drinking it in.

Hey, Marty, Marty...

This is your moment, right?

Marty. Marty?

Mar... just... just calm down a little bit.

I think we should really listen to what Gita has to say.

Our son is-is wearing dresses, and he's att*ck-kissing other boys...

What we have here, basically?

It is a failed culture, okay?

It's a broken pedagogical paradigm in the New Pacific School.

What started out as a system based on the near-perfect theosophical teachings of Rudolf Steiner has now descended.

It's now an outmoded, anachronistic bastardization-- well, a limitation, really-- of its original intent...

Mr. Kaan.

...really.

Mr. Kaan!

Yes?

I have a doctorate in education from Stanford.

Oh, boy.

My first job after my PhD was as an educational consultant for DeLoit.

Which is where I met my ex-husband, a management consultant very much like you, who made my life a living hell, until I met my dear life partner Deandra.

So I know the nest of f*cking pit vipers you crawl in.

(laughs)

Well... that came out.

Anyway, my desire is for the highest good as it relates to Roscoe, and as it relates to the school.

In this case, I feel change makes sense.

Just say it.

You're trying to expel my son.

Let's not think of it as an expulsion.

What do you want to think of it as?

Well...

What...?

I mean, is the other kid, Caleb, also not being thought of as an expulsion?

It's complicated.

Is it? Well, let me unpack it for you.

Here's what's happening: See, uh, I'm not paying for your new science lab, okay?

And I'm definitely not getting the band together to play your funky little fundraiser for the school so Caleb's daddy, the rock star-- the '90s grunge big money man donor-- he gets it, he wins.

Right? Great values, Gita.

I hope you're teaching that to the kids.

Caleb's father is a generous contributor to the school.

But this is about Roscoe, and what happened today.

I think we both know he is trying to work through some kind--

You know what, this is bullshit.

This is bullshit!

Marty...

This is bullshit.

Now, I am headed to the airport Monday morning.

But before I get there, I'm dropping my son off at this school.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Gita... he is coming to school Monday morning.

Not a good idea.

But I am more than willing to discuss this further with the relevant parties before you leave.

I don't have a lot of time before I leave.

It's gonna have to be Sunday.

You good with Sunday at 4:00?

I can do that.

(very quietly): Wow.

(louder): Heard you really QB'd the sh*t out of that Stay Rite engagement in Salt Lake.

Tough gig, you brought it home.

It was, and I did.

Mr. Control Freak Marty Kaan was okay with that?

Uh... more or less.

More, or less...

Wow.

What?

Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's just uncanny to me, how much you remind me of my wife.

Well, you know, my...

God... My ex-wife.

Wife/ex-wife/wife/ex-wife...

Yeah, I didn't... um...

I-I know, I know, what could you possibly say to that, right?

Right.

It's a big compliment.

She's very talented.

She's a... formidable person.

That's very kind.

Well, I can be a kind person some of the time, Jeannie.

And you are deserving of kindness.

And respect.

Thanks very much, Greg.

Hey, listen. Listen.

I'm, um...

I'm new to town.

And I don't know a lot of people.

I don't know a lot of women.

I do know you.

Hey, Marty.

Hey.

Marty... (stammers) just talking to Jeannie about that Stay Rite engagement in Salt Lake. She really tore it up, didn't she?

Almost.

Oh, my God, thanks so much, Marty!

Well, hey, Marty, you gotta treasure your team, treat 'em right. Love 'em up.

Am I right, Jeannie-who-reminds- me-of-my-wife-who-left-me- after-Marty's-wife- made-her-squirt?

Oh, my.

Greg...

I've already apologized for that.

And she wasn't my wife.

Oh, God, that's right.

I remember now.

She was a cheap bi-curious stripper who just gutted my life.

Moving on.

Hey, guys. Guys!

Don't go anywhere, I need you. Stay.

Us two?

Stay.

So, it was fun to catch up.

I'm off to examine every piece of business you've done in the last two years with an electron microscope.

Wow! Get ready to be blinded by 1,000 suns!

Oh! Ready!

(imitates g*nf*re)

Ting ting ting!

I knew it was bad, but... this is bad in a way that even I couldn't imagine.

Ah, f*ck that guy.

So listen... it's the weekend coming up.

It's a sacred time, really.

Sure is.

You know?

A time when we just escape that hustle and bustle and kind of just drop in, find that me time.

A little time for Guggenheim.

Yeah. Well, that's not going down this weekend.

No?

No.

Roscoe is in trouble at school; he's being unfairly persecuted and I need to buy some leverage.

So the four of us are gonna go hard on that little hippie-haven, find something to f*ck them up.

That's not exactly on the development matrix, Marty.

I'm asking for a little help here, Jeannie.

Right, but I have the right to say thanks but no thanks.

No, you don't.

I don't see you coming to my house on the weekends, helping me weed my vegetable garden.

Oh! I have an herb garden.

Oh, yeah?

Jeannie, this is not a vegetable garden; this is my son we're talking about.

But I... you can handle it.

I'm gonna see you guys Monday.

Really? Just like that?

Apparently.

Well, I'm out then.

I'll see you Monday.

No... What do you guys want to eat for dinner?

Oh, I'm out. Kind of doing a cleanse at the moment.

So... talk to me.

What's your dream cake?

Dream cake?

Yeah, you know... dream cake.

Every bride's got a dream cake.

Yeah, you know, the one you've fantasized about shoving in his face?

Ha.

(clears throat)

We, uh... we talked about that.

I think, uh, just vanilla.

We... yeah, just... right.

We could do that.

But might I make a suggestion?

Sure. Sure.

Rolled fondant.

It's huge. It's enormous, it's the thing right now.

Sure. I mean, I'm not familiar with fondant, but it, it looks delicious.

Great.

So what colors are we working with?

Um, colors, we didn't...

We didn't really have... have a chance to... a chance to talk about it.

Colors.

Um...

I was just thinking maybe just cake... color.

(Wes laughs quietly)

Uh, could we take a look at your book, or do you... have a book?

Yeah. Feel free.

It's right over there.

Take your time.

All right. Cool.

Okay.

You okay?

Mm-hmm. Yes.

I love you and all, I just don't love cake.

Right.

Or vol au vent pastry with herbed goat cheese.

Or f*cking horse-drawn carriages. Or a wedding.

You're talking to the right guy.

Okay? Let's just keep this simple, and have a kick-ass party.

Okay?

I mean... I guess we have to have a wedding cake, right?

So let's just f*cking pick one out and get out of here.

Okay.

And we can go do unspeakable things in the parking lot in the car, in broad daylight.

Okay.

Okay?

All right?

Woman: Hi!

Baker: How are you doing?

Good.

Oh, my goodness!

Okay. I pulled this out of a bridal magazine in Provence.

OMG. I love this cake.

Six-tiered hexagon almond amaretto cake, covered in Tiffany blue sugar flowers and fondant bows, for 200 guests.

Beautiful.

Well, my wife has great taste.

(sighs) You just said "wife."

Man: I sure did.

(woman squeals)

Bakers: Aw...

Oh, sh*t...

f*cking Marty Kaan needs me to come into the office today.

On a Saturday?

Seriously?

Yeah.

My God, he has no respect for your personal life.

Okay, well, it's my job.

I mean, what's not my job is to be standing here, tasting 14 different varieties of dry cake, you know?

That's not more important.

Okay.

Okay. Jesus.

Sorry. I... um...

It's just, this f*cking acquisition, Marty's freaking out, and he doesn't have a friend in the world, so he's afraid he's gonna be pushed out by this guy from New York.

Wait, why are you rushing to take his side right now?

I mean, shouldn't you be playing some politics at this point?

I... I'm trying to.

All right. Well, uh, hey, go get 'em, babe, all right?

Okay. Thanks.

Hey. We're still okay, right?

Yeah. We're good.

Good.

(panting)

Thanks for bringing me to your office.

I like it.

Very architectural.

Yeah, thanks. Yo!

Yo, yo!

Hey, good timing.

Do you own it?

No.

But... some of it.

A small part.

You know, there's other partners, and they own a lot bigger part of the business, a lot bigger shares.

Are you going to be a big partner, with bigger shares?

What do you think?

Definitely big time.

Yeah, from your lips, man.

Hey, hey.

What up, little man?

Cold chillin', Sir Clyde of the North.

Sir Clyde of the North?

Roscoe: Did you hear?

I'm being wrongfully accused, like Joan of Arc?

We're going with Hurricane Carter, buddy.

Don't even worry about it, because you know we got you, right?

Doug: I heard that, dawg.

Come on. Knuckle up, bro-heem.

Don't black it up.

That's what I'm talking about.

Daddy, you're about to fall in love with us for we have officially found the creamy center of the Ho-Ho.

Do tell.

(mimics tires screeching)

sh*t, Roscoe!

Go to the kitchen or something.

Raid the fridge.

I got some frozen Snickers in there.

Okay, I'm on it.

Don't eat all of 'em.

You know he's probably gonna eat 'em all.

Yes, I know he's gonna 'em all.

What's going on?

Okay, listen. Back in 2009, Nsr: National Standardized Review was found guilty of orchestrating widespread cheating across 20 schools, private and public.

Okay.

Okay, so New Pacific was one of the schools mentioned.

So?

So, what the NSR would do was inflate the schools' test scores to give the appearance that they had a greater success rate than they actually did.

When was this?

Hold on. NSR's now gone the way of Milli Vanilli, but Roscoe's school has moved on to an apparently more "credible" testing source: the National Testing Board.

However, have a look at the brochures from '09.

Compare them with the brochures for 2012.

2009, 2012.

Those look exactly the same.

Because they're identical.

That's right.

New Pacific is still claiming fraudulent scores from '09 to bolster their enrollments.

Even though the kids are still not performing as promised.

That's bad.

That is bad.

(whispers): That's good.

Mm-hmm.

That is good.

(laughs) So, I can still make Wicked in time?

I invited my landlady.

I should let her know.

The lady with a dozen pigeons?

Yeah, they're homing pigeons.

Hey, listen, we are good.

(doorbell rings)

Thing One and Thing Two are fast asleep.

April: Does that mean we have to be quiet?

♪
♪

You don't believe him.

Who?

Roscoe.

You think he did it.

You think he kissed that boy.

If I don't believe him, why am I taking on the school?

Why am I fighting so hard?

'Cause that's what you do.

You're a good dad.

I don't know about that.

I do.

I had a shitty one.

You're a consultant.

I am.

I need a consultation.

Okay, what's up?

You know I love hanging out with you.

April, don't bullshit me, okay?

I don't want to play games with you.

Just, just tell me what's up.

Don't soft sell it.

I k*lled someone.

Okay, maybe you can soft sell it a little bit.

But it was an accident, and they're talking about second-degree m*rder.

Wait a minute, are you f*cking serious?

You k*lled somebody?

Baby, uh... (chuckles) listen, that's, that's not really my area of expertise, you know?

There are legal consultants.

But they gotta do actual work.

I have consulted plenty of lawyers, Marty.

I need someone with a genuinely meta take on this whole thing.

Someone's who's not constrained by something as finite as the law.

Okay, um... who's the vic?

Off-duty cop.

(chuckles ruefully)

Oh, f*ck!

f*cking cute.

Came over to my apartment, we had relations, and she went to get a drink out of the fridge...

Wait a minute.

Did you say "she"?

Yeah. As you know, I have a soft spot for cute girls.

Baby, except for the whole m*rder thing, you're the perfect woman.

Anyway, she chugged a bottle of water filled with GHB.

GHB, the party drug?

Yeah.

What are you doing with a bottle full of GHB in your fridge?

I'm a 25-year-old stripper, Marty.

Yeah, true that.

And if I get a second-degree m*rder conviction, I'll be barred from practicing.

Barred from practicing?

You're gonna be behind bars.

I told her it was, it was marked clearly, "GHB" in big letters.

You told her and it was marked?

She was a cop.

I am a stripper.

They want blood.

I can't let this go to trial, Marty.

So I need a sexy m*therf*cker like you to help me work some angles.

Consult.

Hey, Dad?

Yeah?

You believe me, right?

Doesn't matter if I believe you.

You're my son.

Dad, do... you... believe me?

100%.

Now let's get these guys.

So as you can no doubt see from the numbers there, if this information were to get out to the press, well, the New Pacific School would be in a very, I don't know, sticky situation.

Yeah, it just got real, Gita.

Mr. Kaan, Marty, can I speak really honestly?

I have no idea.

It's not about the school or any perceived problem you or anybody else has with it.

It's about you, Mr. Kaan.

Mmm-mm.

It's about you and your very sweet son.

And about how you're going to lose him if you can't plug into his issues on a very real and emotional and substantive level.

You are really talking out of your ass right now, Gita.

Please, Marty, let's just hear what she's got to say, okay?

Yeah, come on, Marty.

Well, I've talked to your father and ex-wife about how you lost your own mother to su1c1de at a young age.

See? This is exactly what I've been trying to say; that your relationship with Roscoe and Annalise's su1c1de are the same...

Are you f*ckin' kidding me right now?

Exactly. Marty, tell her what your mom used to say to you when you were little.

Okay, that's it, that's it.

I'm done with this sh*t.

Just hang in there, Marty.

No, f*ck that! What is this?

Is this an intervention?

Are we here for Roscoe?!

What is this sh*t?!

(knocking)

Yes?

Sorry, but Caleb wanted to talk to you guys.

Caleb: Hey, I told my dad what happened; that Roscoe didn't try to kiss me. I tried to.

And I guess, well, we're kids, you know?

And my dad said anyway, David Bowie and Marilyn Manson, they're both badasses who get tons of strange...

Thank you, Caleb.

That's very interesting.

I told him no hard feelings.

I mean, I get it.

I have an irresistible magnetism.

Okay. Go.

(Jeremiah chuckles)

He's got a magnetism.

Monica: I think he was wearing my scarf.

It looks good on him.

You should have taken that scarf.

Do you think they really kissed or...?

Gita: Probably they did.

(indistinct conversation)

♪

I admit the weather's f*cking great, but it's not New York.

No, it is better..

Uhh!

Whoo!

You want to get out of here?

Let's go.

Here you go, man.

Keep it. All right.

Come on.

LA over New York?

Are you high?

Yes, I'm definitely high.

(laughs)

But it's better, it's better.

It's just a secret.

A secret? Between you and 11 million people?

My closest friends.

(laughs)

Ah, but you told me.

Does that mean I'm in?

Hey, so I was thinking about your cop situation.

Was this chick depressed or-or suicidal even?

And before you answer, listen, I-I could be subpoenaed.

But I'm just saying if she was depressed, and you told her about the GHB in the fridge and...

She chugged it.

Yeah.

su1c1de by GHB.

I'm just saying.

Ask your lawyers, but I think that constitutes a defense.

Yeah. You have the morals of a crocodile.

Said the rattlesnake.

I think you may have just saved my ass.

(chuckles)

Glad to do it.

I like that ass.

Now put it in the car.

I probably should have waited to tell you, though.

If I can get you to stay around a little bit longer.

I'm not going anywhere.

No?

Uh, I am, though.

I got a 4:30 a.m. car.

Where are you going?

sh*t, I don't know.

Someplace where they make sh*t and they need us to come in and tell them how to make that sh*t better or faster or cheaper or...

I don't know.

Can I come watch you pack?

Yeah. Only take about two minutes.

I got that sh*t down to a science.

Sounds like we got some time left over.

Dirty girl!

♪ There's nothing left to prey on ♪
♪ Except everything... ♪