01x07 - Bareback Town

[bunniefuu]

So where is it this week?

Tampa, I think.

Celeste at Mons Venus.

Definitely look her up.

She has a spectacular ass.

She'll make you see stars.

What if I like your spectacular ass?

My ass won't be in Tampa.

Celeste's will.

And when you get that itch, I want you to have a hot little scratcher.

So you think I just have to f*ck on the road, huh?

You f*cked me on the road, baby.

You think I can't keep my d*ck in check for a couple of days?

I can absolutely not f*ck around on the road, sweetheart.

Baby...

I know you.

I know you.

Okay, well, you're going to be eating so much crow when I come back here with blue balls you're going to have feathers coming out of your ass.

Oh, really?

Really.

Yeah.

Well, if you do come back with them, I might be able to help you out.

How?

Oh, I don't know-- with this-- bareback.

Bareback?

(imitates alarm blaring)

It was the summer after seventh grade and she just stopped eating all together.

Started losing all this weight, and it was really sad.

You fatties talking about diets again?

Jeannie, I'm sorry, do you mind?

Clyde, go on.

Thank you, Doug.

She was throwing up all the time, losing her hair.

I couldn't even watch it.

That happened to a girl on my floor in college-- bulimia.

Jeannie, a little sensitivity.

Who's that, your grandmother?

It was my dog, Jeannie.

I'm just going to finish up.

Sorry.

I still remember, it was the day before I was supposed to start eighth grade.

I fell asleep with Coco on the laundry room floor.

I remembered the heat from her warm body as she cuddled up next to me.

I fell asleep to the sound of her breathing.

And then when I woke up, she was dead.

Oh, my God.

No.

I'm so sorry.

Coco.

Yeah, except that sh*t never happened.

Uh-oh.

What?

That is why, my friends, I will always be penis deep in the lady vah-jay-jay.

You really lead to add a "lady" in front of that?

You've just witnessed the story of Coco.

That is my sure thing.

Leg opener.

My ace in her hole.

Jeannie: Don't encourage him.

Hey, we're out of here, guys, okay?

Tampa's off, D.C. is on.

What's the new job?

Novax Pharmaceutical.

We were specifically requested by the CMO.

You know why?

Doesn't matter.

Brenda is a very good, and very horny friend of mine, and when she calls, we come, Jeannie baby.

(clearing throat)

Hey, uh, hey, Marty, listen, I just... I want you to know that whatever happens with Metro Capital, you have my total support.

Thank you.

I mean it.

You've been a great mentor to me.

I'm not your mentor.

Maybe not officially, but, hey, you know, I never told you this before, but the firm had originally assigned me to Michael Gimble.

What?!

I know, right?

Talk about an odd couple.

Oil and water.

Exactly. Not like this.

Peas in a pod.

You and me-- we finish each other's... sentences.

You know, anyway, I just, I think...

I just think you and I really established a mentor-mentee relationship.

We have not.

Well, in any case, Doug Guggenheim's got your back.

I am so comforted.

Captain: We are making our final descent into Washington, DC.

Temperature is 52 degrees and sunny.

Woman: I see you'll be staying three nights with us, Mr. Guggenheim.

Yeah, that's right.

We all are.

I'm sorry, are you related to the Guggenheims?

It's just, I'm an art major at G.W.

I see.

No... Well, I really don't like to talk about it too much.

Then don't talk about it.

I'll take it from here.

He's not related to anybody.

What is it? Is it Britney?

Sorry, just to interrupt there, no, my mother is a distant relative, so...

Stop for one second.

Honestly, just for one second.

Okay.

That is a gorgeous name.

It really is.

It's Italian for "She with the hot face."

I don't think so.

I think it should be.

Definitely not, though.

That would be...

(speaking Italian)

So wrong again.

Oh, come on, just for one second.

Do you have our phone numbers in there?

Britney, if I could-- Britney is, in fact, Latin meaning "from Britain."

Doug why don't you stop making sh*t up for one second.

I'm not making anything up.

Stop for one second.

I minored in linguistics.

You didn't minor in any--

Woman: Novax is battling Pfizer to develop new dr*gs.

But before we go on, I know that Galweather does a lot of consulting for Pfizer.

This will not interfere with that.

Tod Walton's our account rep for that group.

But it's a totally different division.

We're good.

Great.

You ever heard of Cepazine?

Oh, who hasn't?

It's only the most powerful and successful antidepressant on the market.

Also happens to be Novax's number-one seller, I think.

I did my research on the plane.

Well, recent clinical studies also have shown that it helps treat adolescent acne.

Well, that's great for all those zitty kids but we're consultants, we're not scientists-- what's up?

This is a marketing plan my team sculpted.

We estimate that we can increase revenue by almost 30% for the company.

So you just want us to rubber-stamp your genius business plan?

No, I want you to put it through the rigorous analysis that Galweather's known for.

And then rubber-stamp it.

And then rubber-stamp it.

(chuckles)

The CEO is a ball-f*cking-buster, all right?

If this doesn't get green-lit, I'm out.

And If I'm out...

Brenda, it's okay. We got this.

I'm still running marathons.

And my ass-- titanium.

Oh, yeah, I checked that out.

Well, maybe if you're lucky, I'll let you spank it after dinner.

See you at 7:00?

That sounds great.

Great.

Kinsley?

I'm hurt.

She's here on another engagement.

That's not going to be a problem, is it?

I don't think so.

Perfect.

f*ck.

I like when I see you with your little girlfriends.

What are you doing here?

Just spying on me?

No.

Billing obscene amounts of extra hours on top of my yearly number.

Oh, on top of your... bullshit.

Really?

I have got five minutes, some whip-its and the key to the executive bathroom.

Wait, hold on one second, okay?

I will find you.

So all we need to do is base-line Brenda's number.

Add some value engineering, hand job, hand job, hand job.

Do some due diligence.

I don't know, maybe sex it up, put some gap analysis.

Architect a deck that supports the sales projections, and...

We bill Novax for the entire engagement at 100% billability.

Billability: The metric by which consultants tangibly prove their worth to the company.

Measured in percentages, it's the amount of time that you bill a client.

High billability means you're not wasting time.

Billing 100% of your time is the nuts.

And because this is an emergency situation, the fee is doubled.

And that is the stuff of legends.

(buzzer sounds)

Oh, it's so pretty!

Let's not forget, that with this engagement, Daddy's going to make his yearly billable target.

The holy grail.

Marty: Three months ahead of schedule, no less.

And when Daddy makes his number, what happens with Daddy's kids?

Clyde: I got this one.

We get our own telethon?

Wrong.

We make our numbers.

And we will be golden-- as in "merger untouchable" golden.

Well, you know, since we don't need a SWOT analysis, how about Doug Guggenheim starts populating an 80-20 model, you hear me?

No, no, no, stop, stop.

I own those work streams, I'll do that, that's me.

But I think it makes sense.

I've already chunked out the prelim data on the plane...

Doug doesn't think.

Doug crunches numbers, I build models.

That's what I do.

That is my job, so I'll do it.

Whoa.

I'm fine.

I'm just saying that's me.

I'll do it.

Clyde, Clyde, this is a cakewalk.

Let Doug grab it.

You got it.

203.

I'll just meet you over there then, I guess.

We need a cleanup crew in here.

It's a true story.

You're funny.

No, about a hand.

Growing the hand.

Honestly, the first time I saw it, I got a nose bleed.

I like to know what people think honestly.

Of course.

I mean, appearance is great for art and everything. Excuse me.

Doug: Can I, uh, give you a hand?

I know my way around a lady's sweater.

Oh, do you?

Oh, I've said too much.

Brenda: Four little bottles, Marty.

Two for you and two for me.

(chuckles)

Mm-hmm.

Now that we've moved on to awkward drinks in my boss's room, thank you so much for inviting me to dinner.

I'm going to get going now, Marty, and start working on the deck, okay?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're good.

Let's just have a... you know, stay.

Okay.

Have a nightcap. Here you go.

Mmm, this is good.

Stay.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Va-va-va-voom.

Oh, hi.

Brenda is a marathon runner.

Wow.

Impressive.

Yeah.

My best time is three hours and 42 minutes.

Almost as long as Marty and my last...

(makes honking noises)

Almost.

This man is insatiable.

Yeah.

How nice for you.

The fact that we scratch each other's back, literally, is just a bonus-- a bonus that I'm looking forward to having tonight.

Yeah, about that-- you see, I am just getting over this really nasty UTI, and, uh, it's really got me out of commission, so...

Well, I'm f*cking someone tonight.

I am not f*cking that sloppy Maryland housewife.

Shh.

That is so not in my job description.

In the broadest definition, it is.

Our job is to make the client happy, no matter what.

Then you f*ck her.

I'm not.

Why?

(sighs)

You f*ck everything, Marty.

I know that.

This is a perfect situation.

There's no consequences, no strings attached.

It-it's not going down, okay?

So you can just forget about it.

I'm...

Wait.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No.

(chuckling): No.

You do-- you have a girlfriend.

(gasps)

Who would date you?

Listen to me-- we have to have this engagement.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

If this merger goes down and we don't lock up this business, we're not going to have jobs to go back to.

Is it really that bad?

Yes, it's that bad.

f*ck.

Listen, listen.

(sighs)

Maybe they have strap-ons in the gift shop.

Pig.

(Brenda laughing)

Hey, Bren, so I'm going to take off.

Before Coco got sick, he was just the cutest little thing, you know.

He was all black and white and shaggy.

I can still feel the weight of his bony little body just curled up on my lap, staring up at me with those sad little cancer eyes.

I don't know.

Sometimes I just miss Coco so much.

Yeah.

Coco was a she, you f*cking d*ck!

That dog meant everything to me!

What f*cking dog?!

Coco was mine!

You get your own fake animal!

You made up that dog to get p*ssy!

It's a stupid f*cking story, man!

Oh, so stupid you f*cking stole it?

As if you were going to use it, anyway.

I was. I had a date with Britney tomorrow.

Right?

Sorry.

(siren whooping)

Oh! (sighs)

Just two seconds.

Brenda: I'll put on a naughty movie.

(knocks, chuckles)

Hey. Marty told me how much you like va-jay-jay.

(laughs)

Uh... are you okay in there?

Yeah, I think I just had some, um... some bad shrimp at dinner.

Oh.

(flushes)

That doesn't bother me.

(door rattling)

(banging at door)

(whimpers)

Now, you want your back flat.

It's kind of...

Your shoulders are...

That's better.

Okay.

And just bend at the waist.

Top one, turn over to the bottom and get that left shoulder behind the ball.

Okay.

And now you're in good position, and from there, you just... you fire.

Okay.

How's that feel?

Marty, come on, man.

I can't feel my fingers.

I really got to pee.

Come on.

Do you want to go to jail?

Do you two want...

You know what? Officer, take these guys to jail.

No!

No, I don't want to go to jail.

Then shut the f*ck up.

Yeah, shut the f*ck up!

Marty:Okay.

Jesus.

Well, you broke my glasses, so...

You're going to give me the silent treatment?

That's fine with me.

God.

You want silent, you got it.

I'm a f*cking Trappist monk.

I'm not going to say a word.

And you're just not going to talk to me for the rest of my life? Fine.

Doug, I build the impact assessments.

I do the metric modeling-- that's what I do-- so why would you steal that from me, huh?

We're supposed to be brothers, man.

We're supposed to look out for each other.

Do you remember that part?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

You think I don't see all your f*cking teacher's pet ass kissing every day?

What?

What do you mean, what?

With Marty.

"Oh, I'll get "those reports for you.

I'll get all that data for you.

I want to suck your d*ck."

Marty's my mentor.

No, he's not, Doug.

He's not.

What does it matter anyway, right?

We're all going to be working for f*cking Douche Bag Norbert in two minutes.

Oh, my God.

That's what this is about?

You're freaking out about the merger?

And you're not?

You should be.

Marty: I'd like to give you my card.

Put you in touch with the head pro at Congressional and get you a nice round.

Shut up.

On me. Absolutely.

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Officer.

All right. Have a good night.

You, too.

You dickheads.

Us?

Yeah.

He started it.

White guys in handcuffs-- that's not even supposed to happen.

Come on.

Okay.

(pounding at door)

Brenda: Okay.

I guess I'm going to have to call Marty.

No, no, no, baby. I am, uh...

I-I will be right out.

Jeannie: And I am going to make you feel so... nice.

(chuckling)

(laughs)

(sighs)

You're very pretty.

And I am going to finger-bang you so hard tonight.

I'm all over that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right.

(chuckles, moans)

(thud)

(sighs)

There you go.

(sizzling)

Hey, little man.

What can I get you to eat?

My name is Roscoe, and my grandpa makes me breakfast.

Where is he?

Grandpa!

What's wrong?!

(turns off stove)

Here you go.

Thank you.

Are you sure you're going to be all right, Grandpa?

I'm fine. I just slipped.

I think we should take him to the hospital.

That's nonsense.

No, everything is just fine.

April's going to take you to school.

Yeah... I will.

But I promise I'll come right back and stay with him, okay?

Okay.

Won't even know.

We're like magicians.

We're not going to bury it.

Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey.

We are going to bury it.

No, we're...

Somebody need a diaper change?

I can hear you guys all the way in the hall.

Take it easy.

What's up?

I was going through the data, and I found...

That everything works.

Everything is amazing.

We deserve high-fives.

Will you two shut up, please?

What?

A glitch.

Some of the testing from Novax-- it's not so positive.

"Highly adverse effects "on teens, including, but not limited to migraines, depression and increased risk of su1c1de."

Convenient that Brenda forgot to include these results in her study.

Clyde: Or, Jeannie, do you think it's because you're still mad at the whole... (babbles)

Or would it be this way?

Would it be... (babbles)

Can we please try to be adults for one second here?

We can't endorse Brenda's pitch.

Clyde: Marty, those are internal studies.

And inconclusive.

I got to say, I agree with Doug and Clyde.

We are here to rerun numbers and make sure we have the same profit margin as Brenda.

(groans, laughs)

You soulless m*therf*cker.

You didn't even bat an eyelash when you made that decision.

No, I didn't.

The question is, why did you?

Are you punking out?

No, Marty, I'm not punking out.

I'm game, okay? And I think I proved that by practically roofie-ing a client last night to get this deal.

Clyde: What?

Whoa! My God.

Marty: And that showed great initiative, by the way, I have to say.

I mean, I told her just to f*ck her.

I didn't say anything about roofie-ing.

I am trying to be serious right now.

Is there anything that you won't do?

Anything?

Not a rhetorical question, girls.

Is there a line that you won't cross?

Doug: Please, Jeannie, like you're the paragon of business morality.

For one second, let's remember the old bait and switch you pulled at the Cheesecake Factory.

Doug: Yes.

Now, how many people lost their jobs because of you, Jeannie?

That was a cost-saving measure and no one ended up dead.

There is no line. Okay?

There's just the job.

On this engagement, your job is to gauge the market and assess the effectiveness of a marketing plan.

That's it.

It's not that f*cking difficult.

We're doing our part.

Let the FDA do theirs.

Oh, my God. You... you could rationalize the Holocaust, if you tried hard enough.

You're here for one reason and one reason only: to maximize shareholder return.

Sacrificing profit for any other concern is a violation of your fiduciary responsibility, Jeannie.

It is not...

You're going to get us all sh*t-canned!

(door opening)

(air hissing)

Oh... Jesus, Monica...

There is another one of these, but I want you to find it...

(laughs)

I can't.

You can't, huh?

I don't know, that's not what that hard-on is saying to me.

Man...

Monica, I'm-I'm serious...

Oh, okay.

This is one of those, this is one of those role-reversals of our "innocent virgin" game?

Me likey.

Monica, Monica...

f*cking take me...

sh*t. No.

No?

No? Seriously?

What do you mean, no?

Let me break it down for you: Brenda, Pinto.

Me, Lamborghini.

Are you jealous?

No, wait a minute, you can't be jealous.

Sociopaths can't feel emotion.

Let's have a taste of that, and we'll talk...

Listen, listen.

Let me be clear.

We're not a thing.

We're not a couple, we're not dating, we're definitely not family.

So... no.

That's f*cking great.

Hi.

(television playing indistinctly)

(sighs)

(turns off TV)

Look, I know what you told Roscoe is a lie.

I'm not stupid.

All right, wait.

(sighs)

Doctor says I have Parkinson's.

Heard that's a lot of fun.

Yeah, a real party.

How long have you known?

Couple months.

They've been tweaking my meds.

I guess they haven't gotten them quite right yet.

Obviously.

They make me dizzy.

But I'll be fine.

Don't tell Marty.

Well, I-I...

(wry laugh)

I need to tell him myself.

You. Last night?

(meows)

Hot.

Marty: So as you can see, with our independent regression model, that our numbers aligned within three percent of Brenda's.

Well within the expected margin of error.

What about the adverse testing?

Well, since that was an internally engineered study, there's no real obligation to disclose the results, is there?

Holland: No legal obligation.

What about ethical responsibility?

By not taking those findings into consideration, you're basically condoning the potential deaths of God knows how many children.

(anxious chuckle)

No. I think we're done here.

Brenda, I gotta say, little disappointed.

This... isn't good.

There is only one thing left to do.

Pull It Out Of Thin Air.

Defcon 5.

This is when you have to use all your resources, your smarts, your intuition, tips, tricks, anything you can, to secure a palatable outcome for the client.

Prostrate yourself, sell your f*cking mother, even tell the truth, if you have to, do whatever it takes, but get the business.

Can I be honest with you, Matt?

Brenda hid the results from us, too.

This was something that was discovered by Jeannie in the raw data.

We'll talk later.

But we have blue-skied a Plan B option, if you'd like to hear it.

I'm listening.

He's listening.

Go to market early with a generic Lipitor.

It's Pfizer's number-one selling drug.

I think it's time they shared with the rest of the class.

We can't do that, we'd get sued up the ass.

Yeah, but...

By the time the case comes to court, you could fund your defense from your sales profit.

And pay millions in fines.

But compared to your profit margin?

Drop in the ocean.

It's a drop in the ocean.

You have no conscience.

But your plan... that's something I can get behind.

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, I'll catch up.

You guys go ahead.

Hey.

Hey.

That sucked.

Yeah.

Don't worry about it.

I just wanted to say good-bye.

Want me to call Holland, see if I can, uh...

No. I have another offer.

Oh, good.

At Pfizer.

I know. Crazy, right?

They're gonna love hearing all about that blue-sky plan.

I don't think you want to do that.

Marty...

You want to f*ck me? Fine.

You want to f*ck me over?

That's gonna cost you.

What I want to do is cut your d*ck off, but I'll settle for your job.

You want to go to w*r with me?

You think that's a good idea?

I haven't even gotten started yet.

Pfizer has a $10 million account with Galweather.

Oh, I'm sorry... had.

Had a $10 million account.

That's gone.

Todd Walton, your account rep at Pfizer?

Mm-hmm.

We went to Wharton together, so...

He's a very nice guy.

Hates you.

How happy do you think he's going to be when he gets to tell Norbert you lost that account?

Good luck getting a job at a f*cking Radio Shack, once your merger goes through.

(laughs)

Ah...

So...

Did you miss me?

You know I did.

Mm-hmm.

So?

So, you know how it is on the road.

Temptation everywhere.

And you know how I am.

It's okay. That's what condoms are for.

I'll go get one.

Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh.

That's not gonna be necessary.

(chuckles)

All aboard the train... to Bareback Town!

Yee-hah!

(both laughing)

...it's like eating snails.

(laughs)

(doorbell rings)

No, okra's okay.

I hated okra!

Hate it okra.

Still hate okra.

♪ ...I've felt before ♪

You know it turns me on when you play hard-to-get.

Monica...

April: Really?

Jeremiah: Absolutely.

Hi, Mom.

Monica: Oh, wow.

Sorry.

How Norman Rockwell of you all.

Roscoe: Want some mac 'n' cheese?

April made dinner again.

No, thanks.

I will come back another time, darling.

♪ Thinking that's the way... ♪

Say good night to Mom.

Night, Mom.

♪ But now those days are far away ♪
♪ And my dear, it's all because... ♪

Be expecting a call from my lawyers.

I want custody of Roscoe.

♪ The world is right again ♪
♪ I can't remember when ♪
♪ I felt so free ♪