02x09 - Liability

[bunniefuu]

Previously on House of lies:

I'm out. I'm gonna start my own shop.

Is that Marty on the line?

Remind him that I own his ass.

I own your ass, m*therf*cker!

(Grunting)

I got into an altercation with the cops.

I'm moving forward.

I'm happy.

I wish you could move forward, too.

Are you sure that you're okay with him living with Monica?

I mean, she fine, but cuckoo crazy.

Oh, God.

You put together six months of sobriety, and I'll vanish.

Roscoe: Dad, I've been thinking.

I'd like to move back home.

You gonna move back in with me?

Clyde hit on you?

If anything, I would've thought there was something going on between you and Marty.

So, what does this mean? It means, as far as I'm concerned, my marriage is over.

Tamara: Mmm, good morning.

I see you, um, broke out some new moves in there.

Very nice. You've been married ten years, girl.

Everything's a new move to you.

You shouldn't have been avoiding me in "b" school.

Oh, I wasn't-- there was actually a time when I was...

I was gonna give you some.

When?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Before you started f*cking the antichrist. No.

You were way into Kevin back then.

You were all in love and sh*t.

(Tamara laughs)

Marty: Yeah. Hey, listen.

Um, I want you to meet Roscoe.

He's-he's moving back in today.

And I'm always so... I'm not...

I'm trying to be a little more... I understand.

You know what I mean?

I just think I need a little bit of time to think about that.

I'm not sure I'm ready for you to meet my kids.

Kevin's in town.

Oh.

That could....

That could be a mess, I mean...

Oh, no, I get it.

You sure?

Yeah, I get it.

I'm gonna go find my panties.

(Whispering): I want you to meet Roscoe.

Shut the f*ck up.

Barry, hey.

Yeah, how's it going?

Look, thanks for getting back to me on a Sunday.

Yeah, uh, the message was cryptic, I know.

Here's the thing, man.

I am going out on my own.

Yes.

Yeah, I know. I-I want you to move all my assets.

I know it's a big investment.

That's...

(Wind chimes tinkling, dog barking)

L-Larry, hold on. Hold on.

I got to call you back, man.

f*ck.

(Juicer whirring)

You're really getting the hang of this.

Do not patronize me.

I'm not.

I mean it.

You've been really great with Roscoe.

I mean, it's great.

It's surprising. Who knew?

I know.

Keep it up, mo, okay?

He really needs this.

The magnanimous winner.

That's what this is, right?

Let's not forget that he was here because you f*cked up.

He came running to me.

(Sighs) Monica, let's not kid ourselves, all right?

We always knew this was just a detour.

And I can't compete with a police b*at-down to guilt him into staying, can I?

Roscoe feels like he has to move back.

This is pity, Marty.

Flash the applause sign.

(Indistinct chatter in distance)

What do you think you have?

I don't know.

It's proof.

This is just... (Scoffs)

It's theater, Monica.

It's fake.

Ah.

(Laughing): That's...

That's beautiful.

You want to f*ck my sh*t up?

I will f*ck yours up, too.

Come on, Roscoe.

Let's go, buddy.

Roscoe: I'm coming. Hey, baby.

I made your favorite.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, you are getting so good at the eyeliner.

It's all in the wrist.

Monica: When your dad messes up again, you can come back here, okay?

Marty: Really?

Seriously, Monica, you want to do this right now?

Guys...

It's fine, Tessa.

Same old sh*t.

It's not scarring at all.

(Sighing): Okay.

I love you, mom.

I love you, too.

(Laughs)

Marty: Come on, let's go, buddy.

(Laughs)

(Wind chimes tinkling)

You okay, babe?

f*ck.

(Engine revving)

(Car driving away)

Marty: ...Hurt so much.

Tamara: Ooh. You didn't?

Marty (Chuckling): No.

Tamara: Well, see...

Fire in the hole.

Carlson's here.

Oh, yeah, I know that.

He's been blowing up my e-mail all weekend.

Yeah, at 3:00 in the g*dd*mn morning.

Can you please tell me again why we're even putting up with this add asperger-hole?

This has... Is a Facebook deal of Vegas.

You've got to put your name and stank on this, Marty.

Come on.

Uh...

Is that a marmoset?

(Chittering, door opening)

Doug: Uh... Marty, meet ferret Marty.

He-he's...

A cute little guy, huh?

Carlson: So...

(Clears throat)

Who approved this, uh, phonics for business school sh*t you call an offer?

The international language is whack.

You approved it, Mr. Carlson.

During our six-hour conference call last week, sir.

Marty, Marty... go potty.

You know what? I'm getting a little sick and tired...

Watch this.

(Chittering)

Go ahead. Go, go, go. (Gasps) Oh.

Jeannie: Oh, this Marty does tricks.

(Laughing)

Good boy, Marty.

Oh.

(Gasps)

Oh.

Good boy.

Oh, Marty knows sh*t when he smells it.

Come here, Marty.

Come on, Marty.

Good boy, Marty.

Good boy.

(Chittering)

Look, I want that sh*t structured like a deal I did a few months ago, so call my office, get the particulars on my Dubai deal.

No problem. We'll have Jeannie and Tamara work on it this week.

Listen, why can't you work on it, Marty?

I've been subpoenaed to be deposed in Nebraska this week.

Uh, the p&g telecom subcontractor case?

You might have seen it on the news.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.

Some guy fell off a cell tower, and he's trying to hold p&g liable.

It's corporate r*pe.

Look, I don't give a sh*t about some Mickey mouse subpoena, Marty.

Don't offend me.

You stay.

It's my legal obligation.

It's your choice.

Or it's my legal obligation.

Or it's your choice.

Mmm.

Uh, this is...

Mmm.

It is...

(Chittering)

(Laughing): So...

Well, we leave in about an hour, so, uh, how about I just call you when we land?

Yeah, you, too.

All right, bye, lover.

(Sighs)

Okay. What?

What what?

What what?

Yeah.

The Sarah thing you do.

Every time I talk about Sarah, or talk to Sarah, you do a thing. What thing?

What are you talking about?

I was sitting here. I just saw it, just then as I was walking past.

You went, "aah!" That. That thing. That's what I do?

This... Aah! Yes. You just did it then before.

I've never in my life done that.

You've been doing it for weeks.

In my entire life, I've never done that.

You have been doing it for weeks, and I'm sick of it.

Oh, my... No, I'm not. You have. No.

What you are right now, honestly, is insanely sensitive.

Say, Jeannie, could you please tell Clyde that I'm-I'm not talking to him anymore?

Oh, thank you for that gift.

I hate when you talk.

Jeannie: Clyde, Clyde, please just apologize to Doug for whatever, being a d*ck, so we can focus on more important things, like that fact that I'm gonna be stuck working with Tamara.

Also, Marty's hitting it.

It's confirmed.

Clyde: He's just living it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on, hold on.

Who's hitting...

Who's hitting the what?

Oh, my God.

Are you being serious?

It's the thing we've been speculating for the past week.

You don't remember this, Doug?

Marty. Okay, that's interesting.

So, Tamara and Sarah got along really well at the retreat, I thought.

Didn't you think?

Clyde: No, no, no. Doug, Marty's never gonna go on a double date with you and f*cking girl Doug.

Is somebody talking?

Is somebody talking?

I can't hear anything.

(Indistinct chatter, phones ringing)

Marty m*therf*cking kaan.

(Laughs) Hey, man.

Hey. (Clears throat) Long time.

sh*t. It's been a lifetime.

Yeah.

What are you...

What are you doing here?

Looking for Tamara?

(Sighs) I tried to take my wife to lunch, but she turned me down.

Ah.

"You show up like my job's not important, m*therf*cker."

(Laughs)

sh*t. Ouch.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, have a seat, Kevin.

Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah.

Thanks.

So...

(Clears throat) how is life?

Mmm.

Uh, how's New York?

Ugh!

Commute is kicking my ass, getting back here to see my girls. You know, I thought t would have changed her mind by now, but she is so f*cking stubborn.

Yeah.

(Laughs)

I don't even own keys to my g*dd*mn house.

She changed the locks on a brother.

Oh. Trying to get back in the house, huh?

It's still my f*cking house.

Yeah.

(Laughing) True that.

Yeah, man.

True that.

Hey. I know you have the inside scoop.

You've always been a...

Good friend.

And lately, t's been...

f*cking me.

I'm sorry. What?

I'm sleeping with your wife.

(Inhales, exhales)

That's what I like about you, Marty.

You sh**t straight.

Yeah. Well...

So do I.

Not really.

I mean, this little bullshit conversation, uh, impromptu reunion, I-it's recon, Kevin.

So let me just give you the full format, okay?

I am... sleeping with Tamara.

I... I like sleeping with Tamara.

I'm gonna sleep...

Keep... sleeping with Tamara.

Uh-huh.

And that is kind of it.

Unless you want the details.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm-I'm good.

Me, too.

(Chuckling): Oh, yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure.

So, uh, I have got to catch a plane.

A plane?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess I'll be out, leave you to your...

Work.

Stuff. (Laughs loudly)

Work.

Yeah.

f*cking my wife.

See you later, Marty.

Good talk, homeboy, good talk.

So, the guy who fell off the cell tower...

Yeah, the Vic's name is, uh, ray marburger.

Yeah, I wouldn't call him "Vic," Doug.

It means, uh...

It means "victim."

I understand what the f*ck it means.

Yeah. He worked for one of p&g's bush-league subcontractors.

And they're trying to prove that the subcontracting model was put in place to avoid liability...

Right. Which, of course, it was.

Of course it was. I'm the one who pitched it, remember?

Oh, God, I was kind of "the man" after that p&g consult-- but you probably knew that, right?

Yeah, look, we all remember it, Clyde.

That was when your mom sent us that tin of cookies.

(Laughing): If you could even call them that. Do not talk about my mom's cookies.

Well, how about I call them "dog biscuits," 'cause that's what they tasted like.

Doug, you know what, my mom worked a 60-hour work week, so I'm sorry if her cookies didn't meet the standards of your f*cking dog-biscuit-eating palate.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that a bit below the belt?

Well, so was hitting on my girlfriend, assh*le.

Marty: Oh! Doug's balls dropped.

Doug: Well, the love of a good woman will do that to a man.

Am I right, ta-Marty?

Huh? Tamara-Marty?

(Chuckles) It's one of those uninames.

Like kimye or Brangelina.

No.

I thought of that.

Hey, you know, Sara and I have been, uh, looking for a couple to hang out with. Oh, my God.

Thinking this trip might be a good chance for the two of us to Bond or something.

Just two guys loving love. Yeah? (Laughs)

And here's where Clyde says... Shut the f*ck up, Doug.

That's what he says. Nope, can't hear him, can't hear a thing.

Yeah, I heard that.

Yeah. You did hear that, huh?

Yeah, but not that.

Oh, really?

I'll give it to you one more time.

♪ Shut the f*ck up ♪
♪ no, I'm not listening ♪
♪ shut the f*ck up... ♪
♪ to you, not listening... ♪

(Horns honking)

Here you go.

Cup of Joe.

Oh.

(Laughs)

Kind of-- but thank you.

That's fine.

Ugh, yuck.

Do you know, if we lived here, that would count as quality ass? That.

Clyde thinking he's better than everyone else yet again.

Not everybody.

But her, yes.

Why?

That woman is not an indication of everyone in Omaha.

Kid, wait one second.

I got to ask you a question.

What do the girls look like in your class?

They're all kind of gross.

"They're all kind of gross."

He got a bad class; Big deal.

Listen to me-- you should move to L.A.

And, kid, it gets better.

"It gets better"?

You know that's a psa for gay teens?

A struggle is a struggle.

Doesn't matter what you say...

Man: Sorry to keep you.

Neil savage, counsel for p&g.

Oh.

Doug guggenheim.

Clyde oberholt.

Would you like a coffee?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

(Sighs) Mr. kaan is already being deposed.

Yeah.

I'm just here to prep you for tomorrow.

Any questions?

Yeah. Like a million.

Uh, any land mines I need to watch out for?

I'm kind of nervous.

Clyde: Doug, we're not getting water-boarded here--

I don't think you have to worry about land mines.

Oh. Uh...

Oh, sh**t!

It got it on my folder and everything.

Excuse me for a second.

(Laughing): I know. Goodness!

I apologize for my friend.

Well, I'll bring you up to speed.

Uh, the guy's widow has a pretty effective narrative.

Mm-hmm. Works two jobs, single mom, she's been, uh, sitting in on some of the depositions, and she's been educating herself via the g*dd*mn Internet.

(Quiet chuckle)

She brought the kid, too.

Smart play.

So, Mr. oberholt, you came up with the subcontractor business model, right?

I did. That was me.

But to cut costs; I'm not a safety expert.

Well, they're gonna try to put you in the crosshairs on this.

That's crazy--

I didn't force this guy to get a job climbing cell phone towers.

And that's p&g's position. Good.

These guys are adrenaline junkies trying to get high for minimum wage.

And even with the so-called questionable safety regs, there's no way his wife proves p&g was negligent.

P&g's tracks are covered, thanks to your...

Is "genius" too big a word?

Uh, Neil, okay...

Brilliant, what you've done.

Clyde: So, what's going to happen to, um... her and the kid?

Ah, she hired some high-profile local attorney, but he's in over his head.

Yeah.

She's a single mom, works at a stop and go.

There's a 25-grand insurance payout on the table.

That's more money than she's ever seen.

It's business.

(Quietly): It's business.

Jeannie: How are the kids?

Oh, they're great.

They're up north with my mom.

That's nice.

You know, we don't always have to talk about my kids when we're alone.

We don't?

Whew!

(Laughing): Especially when I know that that's not really what you want to talk about.

You and Marty sleeping together is none of my business.

You're right, it's none of your business.

(Chuckles)

But that's not what I was talking about.

Oh. (Laughs) I was talking about him opening up his own shop.

He told you?

Because it was...

Kind of my idea.

(Laughs softly)

(Laughs softly) (Giggles)

(Clears throat)

So, are you leaving galweather, too?

To go with Marty?

(Laughing)

That's funny, apparently.

No, it's just, you know, I'm-I'm not 14 chasing around some boy I like just because.

Yeah, new firm, I don't know.

High risk, high reward, right?

Yeah, well, you know Marty-- he's got nine lives.

I don't know how many I have.

(Knocking)

Yo.

Hi.

(Laughs)

Look what the cat dragged in.

What's up, little brother? (Laughs)

Oh. Roscoe was looking for those.

Yeah. His music sounds like sh*t with those earbuds.

He's really into mixtapes now.

Yep. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Heard you were in town.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. (Laughs)

Causing trouble, I hope.

You know how I do.

You got the good stuff open.

Again.

You know how I do.

Ah!

(Both laugh)

You know, I would offer you something to eat.

Uh-huh.

I hear you're into Sushi these days, but I'm fresh out.

(Chuckles) Yeah, I have had a lot of Sushi lately, haven't I?

(Clears throat)

Thank you.

Oh, it's really good to see you.

(Exhales)

You want to know a secret?

Depends.

What if I told you that I know you used to masturbate to me when you were younger.

(Whispers): Marty told me.

(Laughs quietly)

(Laughs)

Yeah.

You were in heavy rotation.

Yeah. What if I told you that I used to think about you and touch myself, too?

sh*t, you should've let a brother know.

I'm all about family ties.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, God, you used to be so hot...

In that jv uniform.

(Whispers): What?

Go, mustangs.

(Chuckles)

(Moans softly)

Oh, Monica.

Come here.

(Moans)

Nope.

(Moans)

No, no, no, listen.

No.

No way.

No.

Come on.

(Moans, chuckles)

(Both moaning)

Don't stop.

(Glass breaking)

You like that?

Here's your key, Mr. guggenheim.

Oh.

And Mr. oberholt.

And you're sure that's it, only two rooms? Uh, under the galweather corporate account, uh, I don't see any Martin kaan.

Oh, goodness.

Someone messed up.

Oh, goodness.

Uh, unfortunately, we're fully committed, and the city's booked.

Cornhusker awards.

That's fantastic.

Somebody's gonna have to bunk up. Yeah.

Somebody's gonna have to do that.

(Chuckles)

Um...

Oh, Doug, you didn't have to. That's...

Actually, you did.

Right.

Happy bunking!

How about I throw in a free continental breakfast for you?

Could you just check one more time? Are you sure there's no other rooms?

No, no. Clyde: And how many beds... How many beds are in the room that we have?

One elegant queen.

Doug: All right. What do we got here?

Come on.

Got to be something. Ooh.

Jackpot. Yeah.

There's a best Western 16.8 Miles away.

Bet you they got rooms.

All right, man, if you want to go, go. I don't give a f*ck.

The room's not for me, Clyde.

♪ If you should leave me, I'd die ♪
♪ lord knows the reason why ♪

Good night, Clyde.

Shut up, Doug.

♪ What is this feeling that you do ♪
♪ that makes me so attracted to you? ♪

Nope. (Chuckles)

No. Come on, buddy.

Be reasonable.

I need...

I need a little bit of comfort, buddy.

Just give me a little bit.

Stop being a child.

I'm a f*cking child?

Look how you're dressed, you f*cking idiot. f*ck it.

Give it to me.

Whatever. I'm not going to sleep anyway.

Fine, that's your prerogative.

Keep the lights on, okay?

The depo is at 7:00 A.M.!

I need seven hours' sleep, and you know that.

I know what time the g*dd*mn deposition is, Doug.

Good night.

The lights are on.

g*dd*mn it! All right, fine.

You want to talk? We'll talk.

Here we go.

Let's nip this in the bud right now.

Yes, I am happy.

Yes, I have a girlfriend.

Oh, my God! And I apologize if that fucks with your sense of how the world works. This has nothing to do with you and Sarah!

What's it about, then?

You tell me. What is it?

The-the-the hotel room?

Stop. Shut the f*ck up.

The duvet? What? The-the deposition? No. No. The duvet?

(Sighs)

The deposition?

It's...

Well, look, I get it.

I-I know I put up a steely front, but I'll admit it, buddy.

I'm-I'm kind of a little freaked-out, too.

Oh, you're a little freaked-out?

Yes, I am.

Okay, tomorrow, I have to defend myself on something that I put into motion.

That's me. I did it.

And now we have p&g, which just covers us like a f*cking corporate veil.

That's a good thing.

No.

That's what we do.

Yeah, well, it's f*cked-up, okay?

We don't even think about what happens when we leave.

We don't give a f*ck.

I don't give a f*ck.

And honestly, most of the time, I'm fine with that.

Corporate downsizing.

People lose their jobs.

That's what f*cking happens, and everybody knows that's the way the world works.

I can't stop that.

That's what it is.

Right.

But someone d*ed because I want to make partner before I'm 35.

What?

No. No, that's not...

Yes.

That's what you... (Sighs)

That... you can't...

No. That's a very simplistic way of-of...

There were other factors you're not thinking about.

Okay, yeah.

At the end of the day, there's now a kid that's going to grow up without a father.

(Sighs)

Okay.

You know, uh, when I was sad, my mom used to open up the Doug-hug emporium.

Doug-hug emporium?

That's right.

I can't do this, Doug.

Yeah.

You buy one, you get one free.

That's the emporium's signature policy.

And we are open for business. Doug, I don't...

Come here.

Doug.

It's okay.

Here we go.

Doug, honestly, this is...

It's okay, buddy.

I don't want a hug.

It's okay.

You're all right. Shh.

Just, shh.

Jesus! You're so strong.

Yeah, I know. From all that hugging. (Chuckles)

(Sighs)

Is that your d*ck against me? What?

Are you hard right now? From hugging me? No. No, no, no.

You got f*cking hard? I'm not... calm down. It's a penlight.

Holy sh*t.

Just a penlight.

For-for nighttime emergencies.

Okay. Well, don't forget you still have one free hug on your buy-one-get-one-free.

Take care, buddy. Come on.

No, they work better in pairs.

I'm telling you right now, get off me or I'll f*cking k*ll you.

Okay. Okay. O-okay.

I'll k*ll you.

Ow, ow. Okay.

Good night, Doug.

Good night.

(Horn honks)

(Sighs) Hey.

How was the depo? Oh, well, Douglas guggenheim and I shared an elegant queen.

You did not.

Yeah, we did.

How was Carlson?

Did you know that banging your head against a wall can burn up to 150 calories per hour? Doug: Oh, yeah? That bad, huh?

Yeah, well, at least he finally agreed on a draft.

Which is pretty much the same as the original draft.

Hi, guys. Where's Marty?

Doug: I don't know. Oh.

Tamara, Tamara, Tamara, uh, speaking of Marty, are you two interested in coming to the comedy connection this weekend?

I have two extra tickets.

With you and Sarah?

No. No, no, no. No, not...

I mean, we might be at the same table.

Maybe. I'll-I'll check on the...

I-I'll put you down as a maybe.

Put her down as a maybe.

Put her down as a maybe.

That's a maybe. All right.

(Scoffs)

Take one f*cking week off.

What the f*ck, Marty?

What...

You told Kevin we're sleeping together?

Aw, poor Kevin.

You're unbelievable.

What are we doing?

I don't know, but you're stepping all over my g*dd*mn boundaries.

I don't do well with boundaries, Tamara, but...

The question remains.

(Sighs)

I don't know. I don't know.

You tell me.

Listen, I...

I'm...

(Sighs)

(Quietly): I'm trying to have something... with you.

So you come in and you blow up my spot?

I thought you were done with that life.

What? Honey, it's not that simple.

sh*t, t.

It... it can be.

What, because you say so?

Yes.

Yes.

(Chuckles)

I'm a simple man.

Like hell you are.

♪ You're dressed in a memory... ♪

Mon!

Babe!

(Laughs)

Not dead!

Yes, you... great surprise, thank you.

(Sighs, chuckles)

Babe, it's cold out here.

Oh, no. I think it feels amazing.

Oh, hello, my friends.

What shall I have today? You?

No, you do...

What are you doing?

Oh, you want some? Oh!

Too slow!

(Laughs)

(Snorts, exhales)

So, what, Roscoe decides to leave and you go back to this sh*t?

After everything you did to fix your relationship with him.

To fix yourself.

I'm unfixable.

You can ask Marty.

You can ask my mom.

That's not true. You can ask... I don't know.

Who else can we ask?

I tried.

Okay? I tried.

I tried to be a happy homemaker.

Healthy living. Live-in chef.

Mommy of the f*cking year!

And I let you, a sweet little kid, a sweet, little naive little baby lick my p*ssy to prove it.

There it is.

It's out.

And now that I'm not doing that anymore, actually, you can be fired.

(Scoffs) You can't fire someone you're in a relationship with.

Oh, really?

'Cause I think I just did.

Boo-ya.

(Laughs)

(Man and woman laughing)

(Whooping)

I f*cking missed you.

I haven't seen you forever.

(Chuckles)

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm... I'm being as clear as I possibly can.

f*ck you.

Oh, f*ck me. f*ck me?

f*ck me. I'm f*cking rich and young and beautiful and f*cking single!

(Sighing): God.

Yes, I love my life.

♪ Take it off ♪