02x11 - Hostile Takeover

[bunniefuu]

Previously on House of lies...

There's nothing going on between Marty and I.

Huh.

Nothing.

Marty: I am sleeping with Tamara.

That's what I like about you, Marty.

You sh**t straight.

So Kevin decides to take this job in New York even after we promised one another that my career would take priority.

Leave right now and spend the rest of the afternoon with me.

The dushkin twin brand.

(Both cheering)

I'm gonna start my own shop.

Julianne has offered me my own pod.

I thought you were coming with me. I am.

Look, I'm not implying that you guys don't know Carlson.

Alex: We don't just know the dude.

We're seriously tight.

Mr. pincus.

Marty: We have another strategy that would just blast the dead bolt off of fort knox.

Unfortunately, we're unable to propose it at this time, because we've put it in front of another casino.

It's f*cking Carlson, isn't it?

You cannot set up your own shop coming off of an $80 million deal blowing up in your face.

That Marty on the line?

Remind him that I own his ass.

I own your ass, m*therf*cker!

("Midnight sun" by Isaac delusion playing)

Man: If you look at the profit projections going into the last fiscal quarter, you'll see that in every category, the projections were all within the percentage point of the article.

Uh-huh.

Hey, guys, guys, I got to put you on mute for a second.

Don't say anything interesting until I get back.

There you are.

Wow, your business meetings are more boring than ours are.

Um, it's definitely-- it's different when you're there.

Everybody's naked.

I'm so sorry to make you miss that.

It's all right. You really didn't have to pick me up.

I wasn't going to leave you stranded on the side of the road.

I could have called a tow truck.

Yes, I'm very, very sorry.

I-I-I thought I could change a flat, and...

You know what?

You know, it...

That lug nut, it was very tight.

Wasn't it, though?

It was tighter than it should have been.

Okay, all right.

You saw it.

I-- okay, good, thank you.

Pick you up later?

Yeah.

All right.

Bye.

Bye.

This is just a regular...?

You got to, you got to pull it, you got to pull it up and then in and then down and then out.

And out-- wow.

Well, thanks.

It's vintage, you know.

♪ Over again... ♪

Hey.

You know, you probably should have called a tow truck, but I'm very glad you called me.

Me, too.

Don't, don't make me your emergency contact, though, 'cause I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

Okay.

I'm glad you called.

Okay.

♪ Free... ♪

(Elevator bell dings)

♪ We're prisoner of the gravity ♪
♪ but we can still be free... ♪

Hold it. Doug: Oh, hey, Jeannie.

Look who decided to show up.

Oh, really? I got here 30 seconds after you did, Clyde.

Hey, would you look at this?

The four of us arriving at the exact same time.

What are the odds of that, huh?

I'm serious, what are the odds?

Think about it-- traffic, got to factor in your breakfast habits, your personal grooming, choice of clothing.

Shut the f*ck up, Doug.

(Both laughing)

(Whistles) Out of line.

Don't high-five.

No, I'm not high-fiving that.

Yeah, where did that come from?

Nowhere.

Love it when you call me into the office.

We'll... do this in privacy.

Mm-hmm, I like where it's headed.

Okay, listen, uh, I got this venture capitalist who's about to pony up some seed money.

Okay, I'm this close to being up out this bitch.

Now, Jeannie knows but nobody else, and I just want to keep it that... but wait, baby, what, what about the Carlson deal?

It's not closed yet.

Oh, I'll just hand off the work to you.

I mean, he likes you a lot better than he likes me anyway, so...

(Stammers) But, Marty, you're, you're spearheading the whole thing.

If you leave now, the deal could just blow up.

No, no, no, he's legally tied to galweather, okay?

Now, I guess I could use the feather in my cap, but I can definitely survive without it.

Well, I can't.

Marty, we are this close.

We track Carlson down, we get the deal signed, and it's done and you can ride off into the sunset.

T, you're going to be all right.

(Sighs)

Marty, this is my first engagement back in six years.

I need this win, baby.

Please do this for me.

What are you gonna do for me?

The unspeakable.

I guess we better find this assh*le quick, huh?

Mmm!

You mean the unspeakable?

The unspeakable.

Okay, the money.

That's, uh, great work, man.

Thank you, my friend, I appreciate it.

Expiration 8-14.

Do you see this, Doug?

Okay, thanks.

You get your own pod and you can make as many personal calls as you want.

I'm having my car towed.

Of course you are.

Hey, um, if you're feeling overlooked or underappreciated, I just want you to know that's-- it's not my problem.

Pish-posh, pish-posh, Jeannie, don't even worry about it, 'cause I'm about to sell the dushkins on a club expansion that is going to bring so much afterwork cashish to this company...

(Sighs) I feel like julianne hofschraeger's gonna be like this: "Clyde oberholt, mmm, you're a God.

You are a man amongst other smaller, tinier men."

She'll probably offer me my own pod.

I mean, they still give those out based on merit, right?

(Exhales)

You done?

Nah, I'm not.

Doug: No way, he "di'n't."

Stay out, man.

(Doug sighs, splutters)

Yeah, I'm sorry about your, uh, car problems.

That's okay.

Thank you, Doug.

No, it's okay.

You know, Sarah's always having car trouble-- always.

You know, that's part of the reason I don't like her making that long drive all the way up from San Diego, you know.

Uh-huh. I've tried to get her to move up here, but, uh, it's not easy, me being the only person she knows and...

Hey...

You know what I'm thinking now, uh, top of my head, is I-I-it might be easier for her if she had, like, an L.A. gal pal to, uh...

I don't know, sex and the city it up with.

(Both laugh)

What do you think?

I think you need fresher cultural references.

Please, Jeannie, please, please, come on, I'm begging you.

I need her here.

Please, Jeannie...

♪ I'm gonna touch the sky... ♪
♪ cameras with them flashbulbs ♪
♪ what you gonna do when the cash comes? ♪
♪ flip it for now with the quicker style... ♪
♪ ♪

Oh-ho, dushkins in the house!

Talkin' 'bout the dushkins in the h-h-house!

All: Whoa!

I got us set up in the conference room and I have some exciting expansion ideas that'll take the dushkin clubs f*cking global.

Yeah, we really want to go in a different direction, Clyde.

You want to do what?

Jeannie!

Join us.

What do you mean in a different...?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So we've been thinking about what you guys said about being the brand, right?

Good. Right, and we want to be p. Diddy-- our own clothing line. Alcohol.

Cologne. Yeah, when we talked about being the brand, we didn't mean to start your own clothing line. Yeah, so we took the liberty of having a prototype made up.

Check it.

Both: Mmm.

That smells like...

It's p*ssy.

It's what now?

I'm sorry?

We call it "snatch by dushkin."

Mmm.

You're gonna call the product snatch?

Both: By dushkin. By dushkin.

I heard you, yeah.

(Exhales) Dushkins.

Alex: Aah!

Marty.

(All exclaiming)

(Coughing)

(Sniffs)

Is everything okay down there?

It's p*ssy in a bottle, Marty.

Oh. Let me hit you with a spritz of snatch.

No, no, no.

I... no, I'm good, I'll just...

I'll get the contact snatch.

It's good, right? That's-- yeah, it's... (Coughs)

(Spits)

Hey, uh, I am trying to find Mr. Carlson.

He's not returning my calls.

Oh, yeah, good luck with that.

He's not happy with you, Marty.

What are you talking about?

Said you blew him off.

I didn't blow...

When did I blow him off?

The p&g deposition.

Guys, are you f*cking kidding me?

Your man is having a temper tantrum because I went to a legally mandated deposition?

Hey, look, when it comes to business, he's a bad-ass ninja, but he's also an extremely sensitive soul.

Yeah, Marty, you got to make this sh*t right with Carlson.

So get me in a room with this dude.

Okay, help me.

Can you do that?

Yeah, we can do that.

Great.

Now, as much as I hate to break up this party, I got a meeting I got to go to.

Oh, the venture capitalist?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Alex: Marty, don't f*ck this up.

We got a big finder's fee coming from Carlson.

Yeah. That's right, yep, money that's essential to the dushkin brand.

I would not do that to you.

Come on, you're talking to Marty kaan.

Clyde: Yes, yes, yes, yes, the dushkin brand, right?

That's what we should be thinking about, okay?

Let me hit you off with this little club expansion thing.

I can tell you for a fact...

Clyde, been there, done that.

Kyle: Yeah, look, Clyde, our heads aren't really into the whole club thing right now. Right.

Sounds like they're buried pretty deep in snatch, Clyde.

Mmm. That's why we like you, Jeannie.

So we're gonna do a little lap around the office, little focus group testing.

Guys, honestly I think you could spend your time better if we'd just sit down here for 15 more minutes.

I think you should give snatch a chance.

Kyle: Let's go, Alex.

Guys, Alex, hey, Alex, honestly...

Shitty you.

Well...

I don't know what's more impressive.

(Laughs)

All the afterwork that a product like p*ssy cologne will bring us-- julianne will love that-- or, uh, the prestige.

I can fix this.

I can fix this.

(Toilet flushing, Jeannie groaning)

It's...

(Clearing throat)

(Sighs) Forget it.

(Chuckles) How are you?

Oh, I'm feeling, uh, pretty old today, Jeannie.

Yeah, I went to my 30-year b school reunion last night.

Mm! (Laughs) Ran into uh, Karen Anderson there.

Do you know who she is?

Ceo of demark consulting in New York?

That's right.

(Laughs)

She is also the most passive-aggressive narcissist you will ever meet.

Okay.

And she was implying, in her usual smug f*cking way, that one of my gals is making a move.

(Laughing): I don't know.

I mean, maybe that was just chardonnay-fueled bullshit...

Julianne, I have no intention of making a move to demark, or... anywhere... else.

Good.

Good!

Can you explain something to me?

Why does everyone get their panties wet over f*ckin' New York, huh?

I mean, the weather is sh*t, the streets smell like...

You know, well, they-they... they...

Phew. (Clears throat) Well...

You have no argument here.

I think New York is a cesspool of, you know, hipsters and hypocrites.

(Laughs)

Just the thought of New York, and I am dry as the mojave down there.

I am glad to hear that.

(Sighs)

Oh, God. I just... I...

Do not understand people who think they can f*ck me over and get away with it.

(Horns honking)

Marty.

Hey, Mr. Carlson.

Oh, now it's Mr. Carlson.

Well, you know...

(Grunts) Wah! Whoa! Oh.

(Laughs)

Come on, get in.

Look, um...

Can we just drop all the bullshit between us?

Let's go to Vegas.

Vegas?

Yes.

Copy of the deal is sitting on my desk.

I'll sign it when I get there.

Or...

You could just blow me off again.

Uh... yeah, let's go to Vegas! Mm! Mm!

Yes!

Great.

You, uh, got a jet gassed up at van nuys or something?

I do. I do.

(Engine starts, rock music blaring)

But let's drive.

Hah! Give us a chance to really connect.

Yeah, man...

So, tell me about your childhood, Marty.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

Do you mind?

No.

Well, you know, Jeannie, I once had a thing with my boss that did not end well, so...

Okay, um, I don't know what Doug told you.

Mm. I don't even know what Doug thinks that he knows, but, um, nothing is going on between Marty and me.

Oh, no, I meant you and the rainmaker guy.

Oh. But that is interesting.

You and Marty.

That makes sense.

Well, it doesn't make sense, because it's not happening.

Oh, God.

Tamara, 3:00.

We hate her, correct?

Honestly...

Sarah: Hey, Tamara!

Good to see you!

What a fake bitch.

(Scoffs)

No wonder her husband left her for a job in New York.

I mean, right?

I need to make a phone call.

Oh, you don't need to make an excuse to me.

I'm not. I-I actually need to make a phone call.

It's okay. Honestly, you're not my thing.

You're cold, you're a little boring-- no offense-- but for some reason, this matters to Doug, and so, we are going to make the effort.

Okay?

That's a pretty big sacrifice.

Hanging out with me.

But it sounds like you really do love Doug, so...

I do.

Yeah.

Ooh.

(Phone beeps) I'll make this in the other room.

Oh?

(Tires squealing, engine revving)

(Rock music blaring)

Carlson: I love this place!

You can scream as loud as you want, and no one will hear.

Well, here we are.

Yeah, I see you really went, uh...

(Music stops) ...Rustic with the office decor, huh?

(Sighs)

Marty?

Yeah?

You ever feel like you have a problem that you just can't figure out how to solve?

Uh... sometimes, sure.

So what do you do?

What do I...?

I'm not sure I follow...

Me-- I like to come out here.

I find that the desert really clears my head.

(Sighs)

(Laughs)

Let's solve our problem, Marty, once and for all.

Um...

(Cocks g*n)

(g*nsh*t)

(g*n cocks)

(g*nsh*t)

(Spitting)

g*n works!

Great sh*t! Yeah.

(Laughs)

(Quietly): I'm gonna k*ll you in your sleep, you f*cking prick.

(Ringtone playing)

(Sighs)

Yeah.

Did you know that Tamara is taking a job with demark in New York?

What the f*ck are you talking about?

I just got off the phone with a friend of mine, and he says it's a done deal.

Carlson: You get reception out here? I can't get sh*t. Who's your provider?

Are you there?

I got to call you back.

You see this r*fle?

Yeah.

Ernest Hemingway used this to hunt elephants.

No sh*t.

No sh*t.

I outbid one of his grandkids at an auction for it.

(Laughter)

(Both sigh)

So, uh, how do we do this?

One sh*t, open sights.

You hit the target, we jump back in the hummer, we drive straight to Vegas, and I sign those papers.

What if I don't?

No, Marty.

Where would I be if I only asked myself, "what if I don't?"

You have to ask yourself, "what if I do?"

All right.

Just feel it.

One sh*t.

(Sighs)

Oh!

(Laughter)

Right? Feels great, right?

(Whoops)

Honestly, it feels f*cking great.

Right. Yes.

You know what, Mike?

f*ck the deal.

Huh? f*ck the deal, f*ck the papers.

Let's just do this some more.

Can we do that?

Are you serious? Yeah, I'm dead serious.

Yes!

Great.

And thank you for asking. Okay.

Do you know what?

You know what?

Can I go get another toy out of the back, though?

What? No, no, get whatever you want.

I saw something back there.

I just... I'm dying...

No, grab anything you want.

Okay. f*cking great. Whoo!

(Grunts)

(Laughs)

(g*nsh*t)

(Laughs) Whoo!

It's beautiful!

Yeah!

(g*n cocks in distance)

Hey.

(Engine starts)

Marty?

Marty?!

You m*therf*cker!

Marty: Enjoy your watermelon, assh*le!

Marty?!

Marty, what...?!

(g*nsh*t)

f*ck you, Marty!

(Bird screeching) f*ck!

So that's it, huh? I mean, you wouldn't even just consider buying the broscaper junior as a gift... for your nephew?

Alex: You know, to properly coif the nether regions.

He's eight.

Kyle: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Broscaper junior.

Hey, can I talk to you for one second?

I apologize.

No.

No, you guys should keep talking. Malcolm.

You got this, man.

Close this deal.

You got this.

She's gonna buy it.

All right.

What's up, bud?

(Groans)

You see what he's trying to do, right?

With this whole "let's be p. Diddy" thing? Yeah.

Wait. What's he doing?

He's trying to marginalize you, because he's f*cking jealous.

But the clubs, w*r-- that is what put the dushkin name on the map.

And you're the brains behind that operation.

Everyone f*cking knows that. They do?

Of course they do.

Are you kidding me?

You're Simon, he's Garfunkel, and he's tired of it, so he's trying to build his own thing.

Look at him spraying that sh*t around.

What the f*ck is he doing, man?

He's trying to make you Garfunkel.

He's making me f*cking Garfunkel?

I'm telling you.

Beauty.

Who's Garfunkel?

It's... a bad...

That's a bad ref...

Nobody knows...

You're right.

Nobody knows you're Garfunkel.

I apologize.

Think about the stupid f*cking products he's throwing around.

p*ssy cologne?

p*ssy cologne.

Broscaper junior for eight-year-olds?

Man, they don't even have pubes.

That's right, Alex.

They don't even have pubes.

What are they gonna be shaving-- their skin f*cking off?

Oh. These are terrible, terrible ideas, and you knew that.

See, I f*cking knew that you knew that.

Man, I get that you want to support him.

I understand.

He's your brother, but...

Are you really gonna let him destroy everything that you worked so f*cking hard to build up just over some bullshit power play?

(Laughs)

Hey, Kyle...

Come on.

We're gonna hear Clyde's pitch. (Sighs)

I gotta set up in here. It'll take two seconds. All right.

Let's do this.

She wanted some snatch.

Come on. Do you want some money, though? This better be f*cking good.

(Phone buzzing)

Hey.

Hey. Listen, the Carlson deal's on hold.

f*ck.

Why do you always assume it's a bad thing?

Has daddy ever let you down before? Well...

Don't answer that.

Look, I may also need you to run point on the paperwork with my lawyer.

Okay.

Is Tamara in the loop yet?

She's not a concern of mine anymore.

What does that mean?

It means she's not my concern.

Uh, I gotta go.

(Phone beeps off)

Mr. pincus.

Marty.

It's been a while.

Yeah.

What can I do for you?

Well, uh...

You can give me your word that, uh, all the afterwork will go through my new company after we make this deal.

(Laughing)

What deal are we making?

Online gambling.

The deal I already said no to.

That's right. Jesus, Marty, you're relentless.

So is Michael Carlson.

Who's parlaying the money he'll make on online gaming to strengthen his stranglehold on the strip.

It's a lot of alliteration, isn't it? I know.

Allow me to illuminate.

Now, the casinos in red, those are the ones Michael Carlson already owns.

The ones in blue he can't touch because they're thriving-- caesars being the king of that hill because of their online poker presence.

But the green ones, Mr. pincus, the green ones, they're vulnerable, struggling to survive.

And those are the ones that Michael Carlson is going to try to acquire.

See that one there?

That's you.

Marty, no one's acquiring me, least of all f*cking Carlson.

I...

I'm rebuilding.

Just waiting on those zoning permits, right?

They should've come through by now, though.

Mr. pincus, have you heard of the name Samuel walterman?

How about Daniel Lopez?

They're on the city council.

How many city councilmen do you have on the speed dial of your phone?

Because Michael Carlson has at least two.

(Line ringing) Carlson's phone? Where did you get that?

He left it in his car.

Man: Hey, Mike.

What can I do for you?

Hey, you know where I can bury a dead hooker, Danny?

Uh, it's gonna cost you.

(Phone beeps off)

Oh.

Sounded really chummy, didn't he?

Now, how much are you willing to bet that Michael Carlson pulled a lot of strings to make sure that your paperwork didn't go through, try to force you into selling?

Mr. pincus, you said online gaming didn't excite you, but f*cking over Michael Carlson and making a boatload of money in the process, all while polishing the emerald to a high sheen-- that has got to be pretty f*cking exciting.

I'm in. Can I have that?

Whoo!

Do you see it, baby?

Oh, my God! What is that smell? Did you see it?

Oh! Oh, Clyde, at least keep the door open.

God, what is it? I can...

I can almost taste it.

Oh.

Oh, you guys must be allergic to the smell of victory because the dushkin twins loved my f*cking pitch.

Now, they don't know where the hell Barcelona is, but they cannot wait to open up a club there, and that is because of me.

Clyde...

Take a b*at before...

Before what, huh?

Before the dushkin twins start writing some fat f*cking checks to galweather stearn?

Is that what I'm...

What am I waiting for?

I don't understand.

No, I'm just saying that the Carlson deal is not even closed yet.

Oh, I see. It...

Am I detecting some sour grapes, Jeannie?

You afraid that I'm sucking some of the wattage from your star power?

Is that what it is?

You know what?

You're right, Clyde.

I'm-I'm sure it'll go off without a hi...

Without a hitch.

(Coughs)

Congratulations.

I'm gonna burn this.

I'm gonna burn this suit.

I'm gonna burn this suit!

(Doug groans)

Oh, hey. Um, you know, Sarah told me that you guys had a really nice chat.

Hmm?

She's great, right?

Doug, Sarah is...

Sh-she really, really cares about you.

I know.

It's crazy, right?

For two people to have what we have?

God, I just love her.

Oh, look who comes home.

Hey, pop.

Uh, well, you're just in time because...

I was about to make my move on your beautiful visitor.

(Marty chuckles)

Mm-hmm.

What?

Nice meeting you, Tamara!

(Chuckles) Not good?

Eh. Not unless you like evil b*tches.

Oh, sh*t.

What the f*ck, Marty?

I know, I know, I know. Sorry.

Hey, what-what are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I waited for you for almost two hours.

I know. I called your phone, you didn't answer.

I got worried. I've been... listen, I was on a plane... yeah. Thank you.

Back from Vegas.

Deal is done.

What?

Are you kidding me?

I know. No.

Oh, honey.

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

I told you we'd be celebrating tonight.

I know.

Doing the unspeakable.

Mmm.

(Jeannie and Nate moaning)

You know, she didn't even tell him.

That is so f*cked up.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Right?

I mean, I'm not saying Marty's, like, an angel or anything... if you want to leave your husband, uh-uh. He's not an angel.

Go back to your husband.

Just own it okay, okay.

And be a decent, f*cking human.

Can we maybe not discuss your boss's love life right at this moment?

You don't like talking during sex-- I get it.

No, I like talking a lot.

I do. I just, you know...

Would you prefer that I blow you and just...

(Chuckles)

Keep my mouth occupied?

Why are you picking a fight with me? I'm not picking a fight with you.

Tamara: Let's get to it, baby.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Little wrinkle. Um...

I took the deal...

Mm-hmm.

To pincus.

Yeah.

It's gonna be a big piece of business for kaan and associates.

It's gonna be a game-changer, really. But, Marty, I'm-I'm totally confused because you know how important this deal was. Yeah, how much you had riding on it.

That deal was, like, everything to me. Yes, I understand.

You made that very clear.

(Sighs)

I was gonna tell you about my job at demark. I was.

Yeah, well, guess somebody b*at you to it.

Yeah, clearly. Let me guess.

Was it, um, I don't know, was it Jeannie?

Is something going on with you and Marty?

No. We're not...

I mean, we're not...

If that's what you're asking.

That's not what I'm asking.

Just seemed like...

Until today, you were really happy.

I thought things were good.

They are.

They were.

You know, Marty, we could've talked about this like adults.

Yeah, but this just seemed so right.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Don't... Tamara, you f*cked me over, okay? No, I am. That is...

You-you-you played me.

You're so great, Nate.

I mean, you're truly amazing.

Are you breaking up with me?

I don't... I don't think you should.

(Sighs)

I don't think I should either.

So don't.

Tamara: Really?

I f*cked you?

Marty, how far did you think this thing was gonna go?

You think I don't know who you are?

I know exactly who Marty kaan is.

I'm sorry.

(Phone buzzing)

Jeannie: Hey. Yeah.

It's me. Listen.

(Clears throat)

Get everybody together and meet me at the office in 20 minutes.

(Elevator bell dings)

Kiddies.

Take a good look around.

Soak it all in.

Because, by this time tomorrow, we don't work here anymore.

♪ you won't win, I won't lose ♪
♪ you ain't me, I ain't you ♪
♪ I'm gonna win, you gonna lose ♪