01x10 - J Is For Jan Vaughan

[bunniefuu]

[Chuckles]

What? I'm like MacGyver.

Hey. [Sighs]

Got a highlighter?

Uh, yeah.

Cool.

My heel broke.

[Mutters]

Ah!

[Tape squeaks]

[Objects clatter]

What?

Good as new!

Thanks.

[Whispers] MacGyver.

[Telephone rings]

What up, shawty?

I just found the perfect girl for Stu.

I gotta say, Mr. stick figure, your knees sure look like butts. [Giggles]

Her name is Jennifer.

She's a stenographer that the firm hired for a deposition this week.

And I'm gonna set her and Stu up.

I kind of think that they're made for each other.

Beep, beep.

Really?

[Gasps]

Is anybody actually made for Stu?

[Gasps]

[Whispers] What?

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for 5 months, 26 days, 4 hours, and 13 minutes. This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship. From "A to Z."

I don't think that's a great idea.

Oh, come on! This is, like, your thing.

Stu is especially hard to set up.

He... he doesn't exactly make the best first impression.

Hey, Stu, this is my friend Becky.

I've heard so much about you.

Who's that an impression of?

That voice is super hilarious.

[Chuckles]

That's just my voice.

Oh, what?! [Laughs]

Yeah.

No way. Seriously, is that your voice?

That's amazing. Wow.

We should hang out.

No. You wanna go?

Yeah! No! [Laughing]

Let's go.

She's just saying it and leavin'! Ha ha ha!

Trust me...

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Stu is a tough setup.

And I'm a professional matchmaker.

Well, maybe an amateur will have better luck.

No, no, I'm just saying we have a sophisticated algorithm based on mountains of data, but if you think you've got it figured out...

Code yellow, code yellow.

Uh, then, you should get me those numbers for business and business-related purposes.

Your butt looks cute in those pants.

Thank you for your feedback, all right.

Hi...

This is Andrew, our assistant director of marketing.

Andrew, this is Joseph.

Yes, of course! We talked on the phone, Joseph.

You purchase half the ads for the company.

You're like the New York money guy.

Oh, that makes me sound kind of stuffy.

Does that make me sound stuffy?

Ah, they're a bunch of "yes" men. I can't trust them.

So what should we do next, Andrew?

Uh, Lydia, why don't we create a Wallflower account for him?

Have him fill out a questionnaire?

Maybe get a real feel for the end users' experience, right?

I love that. That's fantastic.

That's a wonderful idea, Andrew.

Okay, let's do it.

Sorry if I came on a little strong with the whole,

"I'm a professional matchmaker" thing.

If you wanna set Stu up, I think you should go for it.

All right, maybe I will.

[Laughter]

Stu: Stop it!

Jennifer: You stop.

I mean, maybe I already did.

This blanket is so soft.

Yeah, it's my roommate's.

But don't tell him.

He gets real uptight when I have sex on his stuff.

[Clears throat]

How's it goin', guys?

Oh, hey, Zelda!

Hi, Jennifer.

Mmm.

Mmm.

[Gasps] We should go to Bali together.

Or what if summer in the alps?

Yeah, then, if we pass out during lovemaking, they'll send one of those dogs with the Brandy around its neck to rescue us.

And then we drink the Brandy and then we name the dog "Klaus" and then that will be the beginning of our family.

Aw. Mmm.

[Giggles]

[Giggles] I can see it.

Yeah, me, too. [Giggles]

[Giggles]

What's the best vacation you guys ever took together?

Oh, um... We haven't, really.

Let's never become like them.

[Under breath] Definitely.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Admit it, I'm an excellent matchmaker.

Okay, calm down.

One good day together does not a relationship make.

Talk to me when they're married.

Oh, my God.

Which could be any minute.

We should never go out. We should never leave the house.

You know what? I... this isn't about us, okay?

This is about making a friend happy.

And I think that, uh, we have clearly done that.

Oh, hi, guys.

Hi!

Stephie!

Hey, there's four of you.

Oh, wow, is this a, um, a double date?

Yeah.

Ooh...

This is awkward for everyone.

Uh, cards on the table... Stephie's my ex.

Oh, hardly.

Well, don't worry. It was purely physical.

I'm not worried.

'Cause worry is caused by fear, and I can't feel fear ever since a river parasite ate my amygdala.

I love that story, baby.

Oh, thank you.

Wow, you're so lucky.

How did you two lucky people meet each other?

Oh, Zelda set us up.

She did?

I was...

Well, that's wonderful that she would do that for you.

That's... hmm.

Hey, let me get you a chair.

Oh, no, no, I'll, uh, I'll get it myself.

Do everything else myself. [Laughs] Thanks.

Ooh.

Low.

Bit of a fifth wheel here tonight.

No, you're not.

Sweetheart, you're not.

Stu: No, you're not.

Can't be here.

What?

Why?

Fire regulation. You gotta move.

Oh.

She legally can't be here.

Right, yeah.

Wow, fifth wheel and a fire hazard.

Oh, no, you're not.

No, you know what?

Guys, everybody stand up. We're gonna... we're gonna stand.

No, don't be silly. Don't be silly. Don't be silly.

Not at all. I am gonna go home, put my feet up, get some beauty rest.

[Inhales sharply]

Aw. Bye.

[Indistinct conversations]

Well, this is great. By setting up your friend,

I have sent my friend into a deep depression.

I'm sure she'll snap out of it.

No, I don't think you understand.

Did you hear her using cockney slang last night?

She's been trying to suppress that for years.

It only comes out when she's at rock bottom.

Oy, z!

You've been using my Bob hope to clean your boat race, have ya?

Huh? What? My soap on your boat race, your face!

Keep up. Ha ha!

I'm only messing with you, babe.

Taking a Mickey bliss, ain't I? Relax.

Stephie...

What?

I know that you're upset, okay? And I get it.

Stu wasn't even looking for someone, and you've been, um...

You've been... Looking really hard.

[Scoffs] Wow.

But I-I promise you, we will find you someone.

Yeah, look, it's all right.

Honestly, I'm all right.

I get it. I'm Ivan Vaughan.

Right.

Yeah.

Who's Ivan Vaughan?

I don't know.

Narrator: Last night, unable to sleep, Stephie watched TV, where she stumbled upon an old interview with Paul McCartney where he was asked how he met John Lennon.

We had a friend in common. He was called Ivan vaugh.

Narrator: Stephie discovered that Ivan Vaughan set up one of the most successful matches in music history, but never found success himself.

And the singer, who's Jo, just looked like he had something, you know?

Narrator: Stephie related.

Hi.

Hi.

Narrator: After all, if it wasn't for Stephie, Andrew and Zelda may never have met.

Uh, my friend Stephie signed me up, and I'm actually just here for this interview to try and get her money back.

Narrator: Stephie wondered if she, like Ivan Vaughan, was a matchmaker who could never be matched herself.

I'm gonna start looking for someone for Stephie.

Maybe lightning will strike twice.

And I'll use my company's empirically proven algorithm that makes lightning strike 3,000 times a day.

I'm insecure about my job.

Done. 12 matches.

Lora, thank you so much. This is great.

[Squeals]

Sorry.

Wait, why is Joseph on there?

[Gasps] Oh, that's right.

We had him fill out a questionnaire to see how the site works.

[Whispers] Andrew.

[Inhales sharply]

We need you to show Joseph a good time at tonight's cocktail party.

And you've got that smooth-faced frat boy look that appeals to these New York phonies.

Yes, I'll be there?

Correct answer.

Suggested topics of conversation...

Uh, golf, whiskey, restaurants, intercourse.

Here's your drink ticket.

[Indistinct conversations]

How easy was this? I didn't even have to make introductions.

I just pointed him in the general vicinity, and she turned. They locked eyes, and voilà.

Nicely done.

Thank you.

I mean, I don't wanna toot my own horn, but...

Well...

Toot!

Well, if you get to toot, I get to toot, too.

Okay.

Toot.

Toot indeed.

[Both chuckle]

Hmm. Look at that. Stephie found someone else.

Good for her.

Why do you care?

[Slurps] Why do you care that I care?

I would like to propose a toast.

We matched two happy couples.

We did.

Mm-hmm.

I think we both earned our one free well drink, tip not included.

[Gasps] Or maybe more than one.

Thank you. [Clears throat] To us.

Our one-two punch of cold hard data...

And blind freakin' luck.

[Clink]

Jennifer: Okay, you know what?

I am done!

And you say goodbye to this and this and especially this!

You know what I'm pointing to.

Well, say an equal goodbye to these, and you're saying goodbye to this...

I don't care.

And you're saying goodbye to this!

And you know what?

This... this is still off-limits!

See ya!

Bye! Bye!

Bye!

Bye!

You're not getting your car keys back!

I don't care!

[Sobbing] No way.

Toot.

Hey, how did it go with Stu last night?

Oh, I have never seen him that upset about a girl before.

He spent the whole night staring at pictures of them together.

They've only been on one date.

And here's us at dinner. And here's us at the carnival.

Dinner... Carnival.

[Voice breaking] Dinner...

Yeah, there are only two pictures.

Oh, rough.

How about Steph?

Well... She didn't come home last night, so...

In the matchmaking department, I'd say that we are batting .500.

Look at you, talking baseball.

[Door closes]

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Oh, my goodness.

I'm gonna call it right here.

Things went well with Joseph because you are carrying your shoes in a marriott dry cleaning bag.

[Thud]

Well done.

[Chuckles]

Give us the details.

Yes.

Unless you're uncomfortable with me being here, in which case I'll get the details from Zelda later.

Oh, no, no. I want you to hear this.

Um, so Joseph and I are experiencing a connection like I've never felt with anyone else before, if I'm honest.

And we had a couple of drinks, and he says,

"do you wanna come up to my hotel room?"

Which I don't usually do.

You know I don't usually do that.

Well...

But this time, we were having such a wonderful night, that I think...

Okay. If you're asking me to speak at your wedding, the answer is yes.

Hold that thought. I wake up, he's gone, and... This is on the nightstand.

He thought I was a hooker.

What?

Yep. $420. [Chuckles]

Why did you take it?

I'm supposed to leave this for housekeeping?

Screw them. I worked all night.

Maybe he was just leaving money for the taxi.

A taxi to where, Vegas?

I don't know.

Did you say anything to him that may have implied that she was a... You know?

No! No! I-I just said she was a good lawyer.

You're gonna love her. She is classy, open-minded.

She's amazing at her job.

I mean, she always gets her clients off.

Oh!

Oh.

Stephie.

No, look, that's it for me and dating, and I'm fine with it.

In fact, it's actually quite liberating.

I might take up trick sh**ting, take it around county fairs, travel a bit, you know, get really good at it.

And this is the kind of life I deserve...

[Continues indistinctly]

Bartokowski.

So nice to meet your lady last night.

I had pegged you as a live-alone, choke-on-a-chicken-bone, get-eaten-by-your-cats type.

So hold on to that one.

Will do.

Stu's taking it pretty hard.

Stephie's not doing much better.

[Groans]

Here she is.

[Folder thuds]

Oh, look, my flip-flop.

You found it.

Yay, me.

Well, at least she's dressed more comfortably.

Either way, we suck at matchmaking.

Well, to be fair, Joseph did misrepresent himself on the questionnaire, and that completely voids the entire algorithm, you know... you know what? The point is, we need to be there for our friends.

I couldn't agree more.

Uh, fyi... Stu is gone.

Oh. Uh...

I'm gonna call you back.

[Elevator bell dings]

Leaving early?

Yep. Had a crap day.

Me, too.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hey, I still can't find Stephie anywhere.

Yeah, Stu's not here either.

I don't know what's...

Oh, boy. Joseph just walked in.

I think I'm about to get in a fight and then probably lose my job.

Oh!

Should I come to the window and watch?

I think you should stay and look for Stephie.

Right.

Hey!

Here's your dirty money that you used to pay for sex!

[Murmuring]

No, not... not between us.

Not... not paying for anything.

I get how that...

It was for a friend.

I mean, I don't have to pay for sex.

What is happening?

Prepare to be punched!

- Oh, you're gonna punch me?

No.

You' the one who's gonna get punched.

Why am I gonna get punched?

Because you set me up with a thief!

Oh! So she's a hooker and a thief.

Andrew, you set him up with a hooker?

This company does not do that for clients anymore.

No, she's not a hooker.

He just thought she was a hooker.

Okay, super.

No, I didn't.

Look, I just left early that morning to get breakfast, and then when I came back, she was gone.

And she has stolen the $420 I had left on my nightstand, and so I called the police.

Why did you have so much cash out?

It was on the per diem that they gave us, and it's actually not a lot of cash.

I mean, once you take into account travel and food.

You know, I don't owe you all an explanation, okay?

No, no, you don't. This is amazing. [Chuckles]

I-I mean, I'm sorry about all of... um...

I'm gonna call Stephie. She's gonna be really relieved.

Thanks.

Thank you. Hey.

Jennifer, hi. Oh, actually, you don't need to type.

This is not work-related.

If this is about Stu, there's nothing to talk about.

Okay. He's heartbroken.

But he's still obsessed with his ex.

Oh! No. No. [Laughs]

Hmm?

Stephie is not his ex, okay?

I may be a jealous, possessive, paranoid person, but that bitch is trying to steal my man.

Listen, I promise you, you do not need to be jealous, okay?

Nothing is ever going to happen between them again,

like... Never.

Stu really likes you.

Really?

Yeah.

What did I just say?

"Nothing is ever gonna happen between them again,

like... Never."

Well... Now I feel sort of embarrassed for how I reacted.

You think he'd forgive me?

Yes, of course he would.

Let's call him right now.

I miss her so much.

You know you guys dated for, like, a day and a half, right?

But it flew by like it was two-thirds of a day.

Oh. At least yours was a relationship.

Mine was just a tryst, and now I'm nothing but a mid-priced hooker.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No, look at me. Mid-price in I.A.

Is, like, super expensive in the rest of the country.

The fact that I'm comforted by that is a new all-time low for me, but thank you.

You're welcome. You'd be like a governor's mistress in Wisconsin.

Would I?

I hope so.

I can close my eyes and pretend you're Jennifer.

I can close my eyes and pretend that you're literally anyone else.

[Whispers] Shh. Stop using that stupid accent, Jennifer.

I hate it. Mmm.

Mmm. This is a really bad idea.

Yeah, yours. Mmm.

Are we doing this?

Yeah. Are we?

I'm gonna need another Margarita.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

[Whirring]

[Laughter and moans]

[Moaning]

Okay, okay, okay. So... Um... We, uh, we're actually gonna do this, right?

Yeah.

Against our better judgment, we're gonna do this, right?

Looks like it, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, full disclosure... I've done a lot of manscaping.

Some of it went really well.

A lot of it went horribly wrong.

Can we just get this over with?

It's the only way I know how, baby.

[Chuckles and moans]

[Moaning]

Stu, Stu... [gasps]

Oh, God. Oh, my God!

What...

Look away! Look away!

Just walk out.

Just walk out of the door!

Stu, you have eight missed calls from me.

[Lowered voice] Jennifer is here.

She's over the whole jealousy thing, and now she's inside...

[Screaming]

[Gasps] Oh, my God!

Don't look at it!

You worthless ginger crap sack!

Okay.

Jenny-bear, this is not what this looks like.

Oh, no!

No, it's hate-sex!

Really?

Yeah. I mean, I hate myself.

Oh, I hate myself.

I knew it. I knew you were a boyfriend stealer from the moment I met you.

You couldn't keep your eyes off his thick, powerful thighs and his sexy little doll hands.

Aw, sugar butt.

No! [Groans]

Okay, okay. I think everybody just needs to calm down and listen.

I assure you, I am no boyfriend thief.

I have never stolen anything in my entire life.

Stephanie Bennett?

Yes?

Is that your car out front?

Yes.

You're under arrest from stealing money from Joseph Mill at the Viceroy Hotel.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. All of this can be explained.

She just thought that that was money in exchange for sex.

[Whispers] Wow.

Okay, that's enough for me.

Worst thing you could have said.

I can see how that could be misconstrued.

No, the worst.

Ma'am, come with me, please.

Right.

Sir, I'm... I'm her lawyer.

I'm sorry, Stephie.

I'm her lawyer. She's also... I-I...

I...

I'm sorry, Zelda.

[Door closes]

I'm sorry!

[Indistinct conversations]

Well... I guess I can cross off "getting arrested" off the bucket list.

Next up... Kiliman-bloody-jaro.

And thank you, Andrew, for getting Joseph to drop the charges.

Steph, I'm so sorry for dragging you into this.

And, Stu, I am so sorry for introducing you to Jennifer.

[Voice breaking] Why? It was really great.

Guys, we just wanted you to be as happy as we are, yeah.

Oh, wow.

So anyone who's not in the perfect relationship is just a pathetic loser.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

That's not what he...

That's a statement, not a question.

Okay.

I actually believe that's true.

You don't have to apologize for Jennifer.

I was never into the relationships thing, you know, I thought they were for chumps.

But after Jennifer, it really opened my eyes.

And it hurts.

Stu.

I'm so sorry.

Buddy...

I miss the sex, though.

It was like falling into a mirror.

Oh.

There it goes.

What does that mean?

Yeah, and I really, really liked Joseph.

He really liked you, too.

Mm-hmm.

If you want, I can... Want me to put in a good word?

Oh, God, no, don't. Don't do that.

It wouldn't work, anyway.

Stephie?

Wait, Stephie. Hey, listen.

You are not Ivan Vaughan.

Oh, yes, I am.

I am destined to play a bit part in someone else's amazing life.

Hey, listen, I googled Ivan Vaughan.

And do you know what I found out?

Okay, sure, he didn't become a world-famous musician, but do you know what? He met an incredible woman, and he fell head over heels in love with her.

Ivan Vaughan?

Yes.

And I am telling you, it is gonna happen for you.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I-I don't want you to give up on the...

Oh, my gosh. Joseph.

Hi.

[Sighs] I know things got off to a bad start with us.

But... I still feel like we have a chance.

You do?

Yeah.

I mean, think about it.

Our meet-cute was the least cute meet in history, which... Kinda makes it the most cute.

That's a lot of flowers that you have there.

[Clears throat]

$420 worth.

Oh, my gosh! Thank you.

Thank you. [Laughs]

That's a lot. Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.

He knows that she is not a prost*tute, right?

I'm pretty sure.

Wow. [Chuckles]

I should've given you the benefit of the doubt, because the truth is, the night we met was the most amazing I've ever had.

[Exhales]

[Both laugh]

Huh. I guess you win.

Your company's newfangled romance computer program actually works. [Kisses]

Maybe. But that...

Looks like destiny to me.