Aunt Jane: Dear Kim I was ever so looking forward to spending the summer with you in Portland, however I recently became very ill and I have to seek refuge at the Berndale Healing and Retreat Center, I entrust you with the house, the keys are under the mat, feel free to take any room of your choosing.
Help yourself to anything in the kitchen and there is cable TV in the bedroom upstairs, have fun this summer, love Aunt Jane.
[Radio playing]
Kim: Hello?
[Clock ticking]
Sitting kills...
Who's there?
Humans weren't designed to sit.
What?
It takes years off your life...
We read it in the New York Times.
Ah!
Standing is bad for you too.
We heard it...
On NPR.
Ah!
[Barking]
***
Stretching.
Who's there?
Stretching is over rated, they did a recent study, I read it in the New York Times.
I read an article you are supposed to exercise first thing in the morning.
No no, that's because it's not effective, you need to do it at night.
You should read up on it.
It's a myth that drinking water when you exercise is good for you.
You can drown in electrolytes.
Atlantic Monthly, June 12th, 2011
No, no, the electrolytes might be good for you.
Too many electrolytes and your body can literally...
You can never have enough electrolytes...
Yes you can...
You can't.
[Phone rings]
Answer the phone.
Answer the phone. You can't drown in electrolytes.
Absolutely you can.
Hello?
7-3-2-K-6.
Aunt Jane? Is that you?
7-3-2-K-6.
Aunt Jane?
[Choking]
Are you ok?
[Dark music]
Sleep kills.
So does lack of sleep.
Ah!
Don't confuse me!
Light bulbs mess up your eyes.
Stop it!
The sound is bad for your teeth.
What?
Wow, that was too bad.
She had a good life.
Oh hey.
Hey.
How are you doing?
Can I try it out now because I'm a ghost now too?
Yeah, yeah.
Sure go ahead.
Alright um, drinking too much fruit juice can lead to diabetes.
You want a reference, I read it, I just read, or Oh.
But kind of a vague source.
Ok, I feel like I can do this.
Yeah.
Um, I'm going to go inside.
You cold?
Freezing.
Ok.
Probably go through the wall.
It was nice to meet you.
You too.
[Glasses clink] - Cheers.
Congratulations.
Oh wait, no no no no.
I got it.
This dinner is for you.
Come on.
Claire we're celebrating your raise and your promotion with head of business affairs, what is it?
Yeah, head of business affairs.
How much was it?
It's $72.
Shut it, shut it.
Can we not do this right now?
This, I'm, I want to pay my half of it. Dinner, I'm adding $35 to this. Look I got it all here for the last four years.
That scarf, that sleeping bag, the pinata, a dollar for that.
Italian plays we went to, the cruise.
This has never been an issue for me.
Huh, what's this? Oh that's that beautiful necklace you bought you, for your birthday. That is on me.
I trust that you are going to get things together.
I got a promotion, let me pay for this.
No, I'm your guy, I want to treat you. Like I'm supposed to take you to dinner and I don't want to here about it.
This is embarrassing me.
Stove? What the hell is stove?
It's our stove $800.
I don't owe you the whole 800 though?
You don't owe me any of it, I wanted a nice stove.
I'll do 400 of that. But I owe you now total $12,000 and 27 cents, I'm paying.
Baby, I have so much faith in you, I want to feel like we share things and we're equal, I want to ask you, Douglas Daniel Stalder, will you open a joint-checking account with me?
Joining our finances?
Yeah, that's what I want more than anything.
Will you say yes?
Yes.
I'm so happy right now.
I am too, you want to put our bank accounts together.
Yeah.
Just me and you.
Sweetie, it's ok, it's going to be so good.
Our bank accounts are going to be together, we're joining finances. Our accounts are going to be the same.
You know what this is done.
I'm going to have to add Kleenex to this.
[Music]
Alright, downtown parking should not be a problem for me because I practically grew up downtown.
We both did.
You know something, I've never paid full price for a parking spot. I can actually feel the street and I know where not to park, where to park, I'm just not one of those people who just goes into a lot and pays some valet guy, I mean I just...
[g*n cocks]
[Laser]
Ah, there's one.
Hydrant, damn it.
Employee parking, visitor parking.
Is that a meter?
That's bike parking. That's for church only.
That's religious discrimination.
[Indistinct dialog]
What!
55, oh.
No it is, it adds up to $55.
Come on.
No thanks.
Sorry buddy.
Huh, yes, a spot, there's a spot.
Oh it's a 15 minute limit.
Think I can get all our downtown stuff done in time.
Ok, 15 minutes, let's go.
Hurry we only have 15 minutes.
Art Museum, that's great.
Landscape.
Very rich colors, green, blue white.
Juxtaposition, pre and post industrialization.
I understand it, do you understand?
I totally do.
Great Got it, see it, ah huh, get it.
We still have 10 more minutes.
We have time to see my cousin's baby, Let's do it!
Let's go!
Hi, oh, congratulations on your baby, oh, look how cute...
Oh, she's very cute.
She looks just like you.
She have your eyes.
[Chuckles]
Nice baby.
You know what we have three more minutes.
Oh my God the molecular gastronomy restaurant let's go.
Waiter.
What is that ice cream?
I think it's foam.
Tastes like tacos.
I'm never going to think of food the same way again.
We should have a molecular Thanksgiving.
The turkey will look like an ice cream Sunday.
It will take up so much room on the table.
We're like in a science fiction movie.
I will wear silver.
I will wear clear.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Ah that was delicious.
[Beep]
Two more minutes!
Oh Glen is in the hospital.
Oh wow Glen how are you feeling?
Glen I'm so sorry How's the food here?
Not that great, get better. Ok.
Woo!
You know what, we have 45 more seconds.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
[Car squeaking]
[Beep]
They made it.
Well this is me.
Alright, well I had a really great time.
Me too.
Right.
Bye.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Ok.
Can I help you?
I'm a date fact checker. I'm here to corroborate some of the evidence you presented at the dinner meeting.
Right around the appetizers you guys started talking about the indie hit Juno.
Yeah.
She said she hated it.
Yeah, that's right I remember that.
And you said "Yeah, that movie is insufferable pap".
What I have here is some MySpace blogs sent out in 2007, you said you ordered a hamburger phone right away.
I remember at the time when it came out I enjoyed it.
So which is it?
I loved the movie and then tonight as we were talking.
Maybe she had a point in the reason that she didn't, how about her was she being honest?
She is not on deposition here.
You said that your favorite show is Breaking Bad when in reality you've never seen an episode and you are still catching up on True Blood.
And?
Do you know Breaking Bad?
What it represents in television is pretty cool.
Alright, great. Um you told her...
Does she not want to date me?
She likes you...
Then what's the problem?
You know how women are right? It's like "Oh don't lie to me".
[Dial tone]
Ms. Armisen?
Ms. Armisen: Yes
Why are you calling my mom?
Around the second course Fred claimed that he had a pretty messed up childhood, is that accurate?
I've never heard that before. Fred is that true?
They didn't support my music.
They bought you a drum kit, I have the receipt right here.
I love you Freddy.
Can I say one thing?
About my date because I think she's a very special person.
I think she's got a great sense of humor and I think she is very funny.
Ok, that was not a question or anything, I don't know why you said that. I'm actually going to stop. Rewind.
You can't do that.
Record over that. Please do not reference that anymore because it's already gone.
During desert the band TV on the radio came on and you stated that you know those guys.
Yeah, TV on the radio.
Tunde. [Music]
Hey!
Tunde: Hi nice to meet you.
No, not meet you I, we've... Woops.
Would you say you're friends with this man?
No.
Remember we took all of those pictures together.
Thank you Tunde that's enough. Can you go wait in the car, please.
[Music]
He's the coolest, man. He's an awesome dude. He is just one of those guys, you know you're like "Oh if I want to do this I'll go with Tunde".
Great.
Alright, well, you look over the score just above a sex grifter but not dangerous.
Do I ask you for another date, how does this work?
Weirdly you do ask me and I'll convey the message to her.
Thank you.
Oh no problem.
I just love spicy food.
I love spicy food.
You do?
I mean actually I don't love spicy food because it burns my tongue I prefer mild.
Oh, ok.
Just forget it. I'm really sorry I can't do this.
I, you know I just... I want someone who accepts me for the kind of, like, fake at first a little bit, but then gets gradually more and more honest as the relationship goes on.
It's the kind of guy that I am.
Thank you ma'am, that actually checks out.
[Music]
Oh ok, so Claire, it looks like you have about $18,000 in savings. Plus you're a homeowner. Which is great.
Doug you have about $10,000 in debt.
And it looks like $600 in unpaid parking tickets.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's get on that. That's been something...
We have to. Yeah, we're going to work on that. So sorry.
Please tell them I'm sorry. Ok, send them my apologies.
I don't know them but...
Let them know that I've thought about it. And I will certainly get it to them as soon as I get it. I appreciate them.
As someone who works at a bank. I would tell you.
Um, I 100% advise against you guys joining accounts.
Because what will most likely happen is it will run your credit into the ground. But, my job is about making you guys happy. If you guys want to open a joint checking account. By all means. Let's do it.
What was she saying to you?
She says she supports it. With very strong reservations.
Actually I don't support it. But I'll do it.
Ok, I know what it looks like from a financial perspective.
You have this huge disparity. Where I'm the bread winner and I'm making money. And this guy isn't.
This is something that's going to help us. And it's going to help our relationship.
And I can't imagine that you're in a relationship.
But, if you were you'd understand that they're not just about finances. Cuz we're actually in a very equal and loving relationship and Doug brings a lot to the table.
I set-up the whole entertainment system, ok?
These are wireless speakers not cables and you know, I would say wireless. Like I got the speaker in the bedroom.
Yeah, and depending on what you press you can be listening to music in the kitchen or you can be listening to music in the bedroom.
You listen to different music in two different rooms?
No.
Whatever it looks like on paper. Just know for us that's not how it feels.
Ok. You are now the proud owners of a joint banking account.
Oh, wow, wonderful. Oh wait, this is your card.
Oh, this is yours.
It's like we're exchanging rings.
This is sweet. - Yeah, are you married?
I wanna try this.
I'm not married.
Are you single?
Yes. - Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so psyched. Now don't, I'm barely going to use this.
This is like.
Oh my God Doug, what the hell?
Haha, it's a hot tub! [Music]
We own this.
When I get back this hot tub is gone.
I can't hear you because of the bubbles.
I am so mad at you.
Why are you mad at me?
[Birds chirping]
[Upbeat music]
Friends are free for the making.
That's so sweet.
[Upbeat music]
That just made my day.
Yeah.
Smiling is contagious.
That's new one.
It's true, there he is.
It is.
Oh where?
Right there.
Oh I see, yeah, with the mustache.
I like your messages.
I like your mustache.
You should introduce yourself.
No.
Oh come on.
Those are great signs.
Yeah, he must be a really nice guy.
[Upbeat music]
Hello?
Hello?
Hi.
Hi.
Are the guy that's writing these signs?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's really meant a lot to me.
Huh?
It's cheered me up and giving me a sense of purpose.
They send a fax everyday and I have to write down what they wrote here and I have to put it on the board.
What is it for?
It's a marketing company, I don't know, they told me to do it.
Which company is it?
I don't know. Oh they have a card.
It's a free card to you can take it.
Thank you.
They're downtown.
Ok, well I guess I'll head down there and found out who is actually generating the sayings.
Excuse me, hi I was wondering if you knew who was doing the marketing campaign with the chalk board in my neighborhood.
Oh, yeah, that's Adam's account. I can get him for you.
No that account bounced around a little, I think it was Steve.
He's upstairs.
Well technically I did approve them, but why did you have a complaint?
No it's the opposite of a complaint, who is ever writing this, it's like he's writing directly to me, like he's touching my soul, it's perfect for my life right now.
Ok, how about you head down the stairs...
Hello Sandra Wait who said that?
Are you talking to me?
Yes it's me.
You? You are the one that's been writing all the messages?
It's too hard to explain, it's kind of a version of product placement, I gather it's been working, sorry if it was misleading.
That's ok I mean the messages were so specific it just felt so attuned to who I am and what I need and what all my desires are, so...
Sandra I've been tracking all of your online shopping.
Are you talking about Kermit the bag?
Yes, I am referring to Kermit the bag.
You are the only one that's ever noticed it before.
You are a great person.
I finally felt like I found the right guy, for once imagined my life not alone.
Sandra, I am unable to love.
Well I feel enough for both of us.
Is it ok if I just give you a quick kiss goodbye?
Yes.
[Music]
I love you.
Do you understand it?
No.
Me neither, I don't know why they are doing it, they were nice before but now it's just, that's just coo coo.
I don't like it.
Yes!
The other one were pretty uplifting.
[Music]
I'm the luckiest person alive, yes!
Oh my God. Shut up you crazy bitch!
So I understand you want to return a hot tub.
No that is not the case at all, I'm very happy with it.
That was me, thanks you coming, I called...
First of all welcome back from work.
Well do you have a receipt?
Do you have the receipt Doug?
Yes.
On you?
Yeah, haha.
Ok, anyway, we need to return this hot tub.
Sorry no receipt, no return.
Come on this is like an investment, you know we bought it so that we can have it for us.
We didn't buy it, you bought it and I have not used it.
Nor do I want to, nor do I think it's a practical purchase.
You want to return the tub for financial reasons?
Ah, yes.
That's what she wants to do. But here is the deal... we have a joint account, ok? I'm not going to say who is in charge of the account or who is bringing in most of the money, it's goes like this. At the moment I thought it would be a good investment for us to have a hot tub because it a sort of relaxing investment. Am I correct about this?
Oh he's right, recent studies have shown that ancient studies have been confirmed that hot tubs can significantly increase your income.
Wait I'm sorry.
It can increase your income because...
Recent studies have shown that ancient studies?
You see the actual hot tub movement began ancient centuries ago amongst the Japanese merchants who bathed in the Onsen, it will improve your financial situation.
It's like an investment, you know all the really rich societies like the Greeks, the Ancient Greeks used to have hot tubs and spas and the Romans and they were like the biggest thinkers in history.
They were known for hot tubs?
They were known for bathing.
Hm, I didn't know that and I don't think you know that either.
I do know it, from school, also from you know drawings and etchings.
Stick your finger in, just take a dip, just dip the tip.
[Music]
I think see found the sweet spot, so what I want to do is I want to move you up to the super regal model of hot tubs.
How much more is it?
Well it's about $4,000 more.
It is very warm.
Doug I love this. Thank you so much. I'm sorry I doubted you hun.
Well it's ok, I got myself a little something too.
You did? What is it?
Oh, Doug.
[Music]
Huh?
God damn it Doug.
Hey Clair.
Right?
[Music]
By the way I loved that movie.
That's great.
I saw it as this is what would happen if a high school girl got pregnant.
At the time there weren't a lot of movies like that.
No it's a good movie.
Because you are sitting there watching it and you're just enjoying it, that's all a movie has to do.
Yea, I know, for me it was more then that, I saw it as, oh Ellen Page, arrival of a star. That's what I said.
On this deposition he did lie about not liking Juno.