01x03 - Two Balls

[bunniefuu]

Jester: ♪ If you missed last week's show ♪
♪ Or if you're slightly slow ♪
♪ Here's what came previously on "Galavant" ♪
♪ The Princess Isabella came searching for this fella ♪
♪ The washed-up hero known as Galavant ♪
♪ Now she's gotten him to lend a hand ♪
♪ To oust the king who seized her land ♪
♪ But zing, she's working for the king ♪
♪ The trap's about to spring ♪
♪ But that's not everything ♪
♪ 'Cause our hero only came to save his former flame ♪
♪ Forced into marriage with the cruel King Richard ♪
♪ Sweet Madalena, though, has lost her saintly glow ♪
♪ In fact, she's tilting pretty sharply bitchward ♪
♪ Add the king, who wants to win her heart ♪
♪ And rip our hero's world apart ♪
♪ And that is where I leave you at ♪
♪ So hold on to your hat ♪
♪ 'Cause here's what's next ♪
♪ For Galava-a-a-a-nt! ♪

Isabella: We've been riding for days. The horses need to rest.

Sid: We'll stop here.

My people will treat you like a princess, Princess.

Galavant: Don't get too comfortable.

One night, Sid. Then we hit the road.

So, this is it, my hometown.

A little background on the place...

Middle-class community, lots of sheep-sheering, great place to raise a family.

That should cover it.

Sounds lovely, Sid. One tiny question.

sh**t.

What the hell is that?

"Sidneyland"?

Ah, you noticed that.

Galavant - S01E03
"Two Balls"

All hail Sid!

Man: The conquering hero returns!

All: Huzzah!

Galavant: Sid.

Sid: Yeah.

What is happening?

Well, I'm adopted.

When I was a baby, an older couple found me on their doorstep and took me in.

You know the expression "it takes a village"?

No. No. No, I don't think that's been invented yet.

Oh. Autograph, please!

[Laughs]

Well, I was a golden child around here.

And over the years, when I wrote home, I may have exaggerated a bit.

Mm!

Oh, I wish you were my cousin so I could marry you.

Aw, that's so sweet!

[Chuckles]

Sid: I know this is unusual, but it would mean the world to me if you could go along with this for just one night.

Play along? Do you mean, like, act?

Did you know that my hometown of Valencia is famous for two things...

Our cabbage festival and our theater program.

So, worst place ever.

You should have just said "worst place ever." [Sighs]

Every night, we'd gather around the town elder tree with nothing but the power of our imaginations.

Sometimes, we wouldn't even have a script that night.

So we'd have to find our characters over the course of many, many hours of theater.

You sure you want to save this place?

Sid, I'm in.

Get ready. My parents are a lot.

Of what?

Everything.

Oh, and one more thing. They think you're my squire.

[Gasps]

What did he say?

[Gasps]

Bubbala!

Dad: My boy!

[Laughing]

Oh!

Oh!

Come in! Come in!

You kids must be starving.

Famished.

Glad to hear it. Get plucking, squire.

Terrific.

Come on, Jester! Do the bit that I wrote!

You guys are going to love this.

It feels a little inappropriate, considering the circumstances.

Just do the bit.

Please, sir.

Do the bit.

Hey, Valencians.

How many Valencians does it take to win a w*r?

All: [Sadly] How many?

More than you had.

[Laughing]

Oh, have mercy.

I'm bored. I'm leaving.

Oh, my wife.

Now, I know we've had our ups and downs.

Why, just a few days ago, you made me cry so hard I could barely breathe.

Tell her, Gareth.

Eight hours of my life I can't get back.

I mean, but that's our thing.

That's us. I'm not giving up on us.

I want you to give up.

No.

Please give up.

You can't make me.

[Sighs] God, everyone's in such moods.

King and queen of Valencia, step forward.

Let me ask you...

Before I invaded, pillaged, and destroyed your kingdom, what did you people do around here for fun?

We used to sit around the elder tree for hours and hours of spontaneous, unscripted theater.

Oof.

You cut down the elder tree.

I did?

You turned it into toothpicks.

Well played. You're dismissed.

Mm! Eunuch, front and center.

Help me out.

What else did you do around here for fun?

I don't know. We, uh, used to have balls.

[Both snicker]

Gareth, did you hear what the eunuch said?

You cannot write this stuff!

You sure can't!

[Both laugh]

You know, I've always been curious.

Do you still have any feeling, you know...

Down there?

No, sir.

Really?

Gareth, go take a whack at the eunuch.

Lovely.

Spread 'em.

[Thud]

King Richard: That is amazing!

Gareth, isn't that amazing?

It's really cool!

Everyone, line up. Take a free sh*t at the eunuch.

You know, honey, let's throw these poor bastards a ball, breathe some life back into the place, get some food and music and entertainment.

I should probably start working up a routine with the Jester...

In my bedchamber, where it's quiet.

That's the spirit!

Now, I don't want either one of you to leave your bedchamber until you've worked out a complete set.

Oh, I think I have a set the Jester can work with.

Fantastic!

[Giggles]

Oh, this is going to be such a hoot!

Oh, come on, people!

Don't pull your punches! Have fun with it!

Get creative!

Tickle, tickle, tickle!

Nothing.

Your loss is our gain. And we thank you.

[Smooches]

Our Sidney.

So handsome!

We bought him that armor for his 16th birthday.

Cost us a fortune. [Chuckles]

Sid, eat, eat. Y-you're wasting away!

I'm fine, mother.

Just humor me. [Chuckles]

Squire?

Squire!

Oh, right. That's me.

Don't tell me your squire is as dimwitted as our squire.

[Laughs loudly]

I think he may be.

You've got nice teeth.

So, tell us about your new lady friend, Sid.

Uh, father, this is Princess Isabella.

[Chuckles]

[Gasping]

A princess?

That's my boy!

Oh, uh, Princess Isabella isn...

Oh, the first time I saw your son, it was a dark and cloudy day, but your son with an "O" was my sun with a "U."

We don't know how to read.

Not a word.

[Chuckles] We're engaged.

This just took a fun turn.

[Gasps] Engaged?!

Mazel tov!

[Laughter]

I can't believe it!

[Gasps] We have to celebrate.

Oh, great. Another musical number.

Everyone, come see my son, the knight!

Both: ♪ Oy, what a knight ♪
♪ Gather 'round, you peasants ♪
♪ Look who's graced us with his presence ♪
♪ What a hero ♪
♪ What a mensch ♪

All: ♪ Oy, what a knight ♪
♪ Plus, the kid's on fire ♪
♪ With a big farkakte squire ♪
♪ And a little shiksa wench ♪

[Both smooch]

♪ Oy, what a knight, God, is he to die for ♪
♪ Any girl would give an eye for such a hunk of kosher meat ♪

[Women squeal] ♪ oy, what a knight ♪
♪ Handsome ♪
♪ and a charmer ♪
♪ Is it true that 'neath that armor... ♪
♪ Shh, he likes to be discreet ♪
♪ Speaking as his rabbi, why am I not surprised? ♪
♪ Our Sidney is the knight who put the "sir" in "circumcised" ♪
♪ Oy, what a knight ♪
♪ So, how's the business going? ♪
♪ You know, jousting, tally-ho-ing ♪
♪ Saving damsels in distress ♪
♪ Oy, what a knight ♪

Oh! Did I mention slaying?

I did lots of it. Just saying.

♪ That's our Sidney, the success ♪

Hey!

♪ What a gorgeous family, your Sid can do no wrong ♪
♪ Who knew he came from such a lovely home? ♪
♪ Of course I'll be converting, so I'm sure we'll get along ♪

Honey, please!

♪ You had me at "shalom" ♪
♪ Oy, what a squire ♪
♪ So tell us 'bout sir Sidney ♪

No.

♪ He saved your live once, didn't he? ♪

No.

♪ So, twice? Thrice?

No. No.

♪ Do share ♪

Men: ♪ Oy, what a knight ♪

Women: ♪ Oy, what a ♪
♪ Diddle, deedle, didle ♪
♪ He's our hero ♪
♪ He's my idol ♪
♪ He's adored by one and all ♪

You guys!

♪ And so, tonight, to honor our crusader ♪

Gloria: ♪ You are all invited later ♪
♪ To a fancy-schmancy ball ♪
♪ Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy ♪
♪ Oy, yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy ♪
♪ Oy, what a knight ♪

Oy, what a knight! Hey!

Oy vey. [Whimpers]

Galavant: My God.

[Singsong voice] Lot of dolls for a boy.

I don't think they've changed anything in here since he was 12.

Oh, they love him. I think it's sweet.

Aren't you sugar and spice and everything nice?

Well, aren't you rudeness and sarcasm and everything...

Um...

No, go on.

You find something that rhymes with "sarcasm" and makes sense, and I'll take the floor tonight.

You know what? I think...

So, this is getting a little bigger than I anticipated.

They have a certain image of me, and I am just so sorry.

There's no need to apologize.

What?

Gloria: Sid, the feldman boy wants to draw you, and we need that squire of yours to help set up the party!

Coming, mom!

Just... just please? Please?

I'll be damned if I'm working a ball in my squire's honor.

Always about you, isn't it, Galavant?

I'm on a journey to save your kingdom, aren't I?

You're on a journey to get your girl back.

At least let's not lie to each other about that.

You know what? You stay detached and apathetic, Galavant.

You do it quite well.

And whilst you do, I will put on my pretty purple dress for my new friend and pretend to be his bride-to-be.

And maybe that makes me all sugar and spice and everything nice, but Lord knows I much prefer that over rudeness and sarcasm and back spasms!

Bit of a stretch.

I trained in monologues, not poetry!

"I'm so jealous of the girl who gets to be your wife.

Love, mom."

[Groans]

Hey, Gareth, did you see how excited Madalena got about this party?

I should have shown her my magnanimous side weeks ago.

Speaking of wifey, is she still locked up there banging out jokes with the Jester?

I suspect they're banging out a few things, yes, sir.

Wonderful.

Ooh, my chef! Talk to me, kiddo.

Uh, uh, oh, well, my... my research shows that the Valencians have religious aversions to meat, and they live almost entirely off their own crops.

How resourceful.

It was, My King.

Unfortunately, you b*rned all their crops during the invasion.

Yeah?

You set their fields ablaze and... and announced to all the lands, uh... "Ooh, yeah. Take that, Valencia."

You kept only a small portion of vegetables for yourself.

[Chuckling] Oh, of course...

The carrot getting stuck in the teeth.

That's why I needed to have the toothpicks made.

Tell you what. Let's table this for the time being.

We'll work something else out.

So, Gareth, have you found me any musicians?

Well, unfortunately, we ex*cuted all their musicians, but I've improvised.

These are our executioners, and this geezer is really good on the drums.

Oh, wonderful. What songs do you know how to play?

[Clears throat]

[Execution prelude plays]

Hmm?

It is catchy. I'll give you that.

It's not quite right, though. What else do you know?

Uh, we... we mainly just know death, My King.

Chef, I've k*lled...

Most of your family, right?

Wiped them out all out, My King.

Excellent. Tell me, what does a person do just before they die?

Well, my father cried.

A lot of them do weep, actually.

And they wet theirselves.

Oh.

Also true. Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, this already sounds like a song.

It just needs the dancing part.

Mm.

I want a solid b*at, but keep it peppy.

Ah. How about this?

A-one, two, a-one, two, three, four.

[Execution prelude plays]

Big finish.

You know what? That is really close.

But let's just keep workshopping it, okay?

You'll be great.

Well, another party for the fancy folk that get to bathe once a month.

[Sighs] Oh, that reminds me.

Did you hear about the knight that got off his high horse?

No.

Me, neither.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

[Chuckling]

Knights suck.

They're not all that bad, are they?

[Chuckles]

Sure, they are!

Worse, even!

♪ Your average knight in armor, he's utterly the pits ♪
♪ His ego's so humongous that his helmet barely fits ♪
♪ He wears two tons of padding and thinks he's quite the man ♪
♪ He's nothing but a jackass in a fancy metal can ♪

All: ♪ A jackass in a can ♪
♪ There's nothing worser than ♪
♪ Some high-and-mighty jackass in a can ♪

[All spit]

My master hasn't had a sip of his grog without my spit in it in years.

I've got him craving it now.

I gave it to him once without, and he said it didn't taste right.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

So... what about your knight?

As bad as ours?

Oh, uh... yeah, sure.

There's all that fame and glory?

The smell, though, not so great.

And then, those big, long lances.

Yeah, to overcompensate.

The glamour and swagger?

Yeah, I'm really not a fan.

He's quite a...

Major Dillweed.

♪ In a fancy metal can ♪

All: ♪ A Dillweed in a can ♪
♪ There's nothing lamer than ♪
♪ A condescending Dillweed in a can ♪

And who does all the planning?

Yeah. Who does all the work?

True.

♪ Who gets no vacation? ♪
♪ Not one pay raise, not one perk ♪

Good point.

Whose lousy insurance comes without a dental plan?

♪ Your average, humble squire? ♪

All: Not the meathead in the can!

♪ That jerkface in a can ♪
♪ There's nothing sadder than ♪
♪ Some over-muscled, chauvinistic ♪
♪ Self-indulgent, egotistic ♪
♪ Stingy, prissy, narcississy ♪

All: ♪ Jackass in a can ♪

Oh, my God. That's me.

[All spit]

Really hoping for better turnout.

This is everyone we have left.

100% turnout! Fantastic!

[Both giggling]

Oh, good, you're here.

Babe, can you believe what I've thrown together?

You're really feeling King Richard the magnanimous right now, aren't you, huh? Hmm?

Okay, I know you two have been working really hard.

Jester, they are primed and ready, so get your jingly bells up on that stage.

Come on, darling. Let's go.

Oh, thanks for putting in the work, darling.

You know, this is nice, us co-hosting like this.

We need to find more activities we can do together.

Am I right?

Jester: Hello, Valencia! Here's one for you.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

King Richard: Why?

Don't ask me. Ask the chicken!

[Laughs]

Ah, well, that's the end of my set, so thank you all, and good night!

[Bells jingling] What the hell, man?

We thought we should leave them wanting more.

Oh. I guess I buy that.

Valencians, who's hungry?

Me. Me. Me. Me.

Oh, of course you are, my darlings.

Now, as you know, I've burnt all your crops...

[All groan] ...But what you don't know is that I saved a healthy portion for me.

But if you can't have vegetables, then neither shall I.

[All gasp, scream]

Oh, I see it now. That was a horrible idea.

And now, for your listening pleasure, the executioners!

[Blade scraping rhythmically]

["Dance Until You Die" plays]

♪ It's time to face the reaper ♪
♪ You're on your way to hell ♪
♪ Prepare to kiss this mortal coil goodbye ♪

[Tempo quickens]

♪ But while you have the chance ♪
♪ You might as well just dance ♪
♪ Dance, dance, dance until you die ♪

Everybody, boogie!

♪ Your eyes will soon be bulging ♪
♪ You'll beg and scream, as well ♪
♪ You'll break down like a baby girl and cry ♪

[Laughter, indistinct conversations]

[Mugs clink]

Congratulations, Sid.

Thank you!

We are so proud of you, Sidney.

[Chuckles]

Every father dreams of his son being greater than he is, but no father dreams this big.

[Chuckles] Oh, thanks, dad.

Just want to make you proud. [Chuckles]

Gloria...

Oh!

If I didn't know any better, I would think that you were the princess.

[Gasps]

Sid, she's a keeper!

Mwah! [Chuckles]

We're so excited about our wedding, aren't we, Sid?

Yay! There's much to plan.

You're going to look so handsome in your armor.

[Chuckles]

♪ Do the strangulation ♪
♪ Do the asphyxiation ♪
♪ Do the burn at the stake ♪
♪ While you shimmy-shimmy-shake ♪

Executioners: ♪ Dance, dance ♪
♪ Dance, dance ♪
♪ Dance, dance, dance until you die ♪

[Music fades down] ♪ Dance, dance ♪

[Music fades up] ♪ Dance, dance, dance until... ♪

Stop! [Music stops]

You guys aren't having any fun, are you?

[Sadly] Time of my life.

I'm so hungry!

Come on.

Pick any adjective to describe this ball.

It's all right!

Safe throne room.

Ill-conceived.

Okay.

A little shortsighted.

See, that's what I'm talking about!

Come on! Do some more!

Wait. Do me. Come on.

Tell me what you think of me. Roast away.

Pompous.

It's true! I am! Always have been!

Ridiculous! [Laughter]

Well, finally, somebody said it.

Stupidest king in all the land!

[Laughter] How dare you?

He's wearing tights!

[High-pitched voice] Oh, yes, I'm wearing tights! I'm so dainty!

[Laughter]

He'd have to be blind not to know that his wife's getting it on with the Jester!

[Laughs] [Laughter stops]

Am I right?!

Party's over.

And, Gareth, k*ll the eunuch.

[Execution prelude plays]

[Indistinct conversations]

A word, my... liege.

Mm-hmm. Excuse me.

Squires.

[Sighs] You have no idea how mortified I am, sir.

I promise that tomorrow, I'm...

Do you know why I hired you, Sid?

I assumed you'd lost a bet.

[Chuckles, sighs]

Everyone else filled their résumés with skills that would impress me...

Horse-shoeing or sword-sharpening.

But you were yourself. You told me who you were...

A late sleeper and a lover of dolls.

Figurines. Detailed figurines.

Right, so, fancy dolls.

But anyway, the point is, it's the hardest thing in the world to find someone who is true to themselves, and it's the thing I love most about you.

Did you just say you...

Don't ruin this.

It occurs to me that being a squire isn't a great job to begin with.

And being mine is probably worse.

[Chuckles] But you never complained.

[Chuckles] Not once.

You never abandoned me, never spit in my ale.

Right? You've never done that.

Of course not, sir.

Look, I'll play any part you want me to play here.

But you should be proud of the man you are.

I know I certainly am.

What was that?

That, my lady, was a knight getting off his high horse.

Mom, dad, there's something I need to tell you.

Well, I'll be damned.

I wouldn't drink that.

Well, why not? I've already drunk half of it.

Yeah, just carry on. It's fine.