01x12 - L Is for Likeability

[bunniefuu]

[Telephone rings]

Hey, dad.

Pete: How'd you know it was me?

Your number was on my phone. Plus, there was a minor earthquake yesterday hundreds of miles away.

Were you thrown from bed?

I was not.

How's the structural damage on your house?

Same as it was before.

By the way, I love your plaid shirt, but if you keep wearing jeans that tight, I'll never be a grandfather.

H-how do you know what I'm wearing?

Remember I was thinking about buying a drone?

I bought a drone.

W-where are you operating that from?

Remember was thinking about coming to visit?

I came to visit!

Dad!

Stu: Pete!

Hey! [Laughs]

Stoobie-Doo!

Narrator: Stu didn't have a great relationship with his own father, so he secretly wished Andrew's father was his.

I wish you really were my father.

Maybe not so secretly.

[Laughs]

Dad, it's... It's so great to see you, but what... what's with the surprise visit?

Well, it was just so nice seeing you at Christmas, I figured, what the hell.

Plus, I finally get to meet the new girlfriend.

Yeah.

Oh!

Uh, I... she is, uh, she's out of town, actually.

So...

Want to try it?

Yeah.

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for five months, six days, and six hours.

This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship...

From A to Z.

Yay!

Excuse me, is that a dji phantom two with GPS and precision flight?

Are you really a drone aficionado or just another Indian guy who knows a lot of stuff?

Both, sir. Dinesh.

Yeah, I'm Pete Lofland, Andrew's dad.

And to answer your question, this is a...

Okay, okay, okay.

Yes, I said Zelda was out of town, but I need you to back me up on this.

Why don't you want to introduce Pete to Zelda?

Pete's awesome.

I used to dream that maybe he slept with my mom and he was my actual dad, but that could never happen because my stupid mom was always being so stupid faithful.

Okay, stu, I-I do want them to meet.

Just, you know, down the line.

He has a knack for scaring off my new girlfriends.

I made the bread of your people... chall-ahh.

Andrew's circumcised, you know.

When are you gonna put a ring on this one's finger, Andrew?

I can't wait to see my first grandchild crown between her legs.

It's not judging. It's just a fact.

If your parents weren't married, Janice, that makes you a bastard.

Well, that's kind of on you for dating girls born out of wedlock, right?

Stu, I need this. Please.

All right.

Andrew, isn't that Zelda up there in that office?

Oh, no. She's, um... She's dead.

Stu. She is not dead.

Well, here, let's get a closer look.

Ooh, drone.

[All gasp]

Out of town, huh?

Dane, I am so thankful that corporate has asked you to stick around here for a little while longer.

Your knowledge, experience, and upper-body strength has awoken a fire in this office that had lain dormant for far too long.

Thank you, Lydia.

It's so rewarding helping you bring a project to... completion.

Multiple completion.

[Clears throat] Can I go now?

Of course.

Just have it on our desk by noon.

Have what?

b*at it, Danny.

It's dinesh.

By the way, your memo on installing waterless urinals in the men's room... genius.

Thank you, Lydia.

I've been in a creative-management zone since we've started collaborating.

As have I.

In fact, last night, after we were vertically integrating, I came up with this.

"Wallflower members can only cancel their membership in person."

It's crackerjack, right?

Our cancellation rates will plummet!

But won't our customer-service complaints skyrocket?

But they'll still be our customers.

Great.

I'll just run this up the corporate flagpole.

Is that a reference to the thing we were doing in the shower this morning?

No, I just need approval from hq. You know the protocol.

Well, I thought we were past that, which is why I went ahead and implemented it.

Why on earth would you do that?

Well, I just told you why. It's a crackerjack idea.

You'll see.

No one will take the time to come in here.

No one.

Hi.

I'd like to cancel my subscription, please.

To what?

To wallflower.

The new policy is so easy.

Otherwise, I would have kept paying that monthly fee forever.

Super.

Can I just say, it is so nice to finally meet you, Mr. lofland.

Aww, no, the pleasure's mine, Zelda.

And did anyone ever tell you you have the eyelashes of a latina?

I'm gonna go check on dinner.

[Music plays]

You guys should talk.

[Volume increases]

Or not talk!

Listen to music!

Um, that's... That's a little loud.

Pinot grig?

No, we were already... We Al...

I'll g... I'll... I'll do the... all right.

♪ LA-da-Dee, LA-da-Dee ♪

I'm gonna need your help keeping my dad from scaring off Zelda.

What are you talking about?

Please stay away from the following topics...

Race, religion, hypoallergenic dogs, what lesbians actually do in bed...

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What do lesbians actually do in bed?

Stu, please, focus.

Uh... [Sighs]

This is a list of approved topics.

I need you to focus, here.

This is weak. I can't talk about any of these things.

I need you to do this for me.

Fine.

[Clears throat]

Stu, you're awfully quiet tonight.

What are you thinking about?

Fascinating things.

I'm thinking about the, um, the concept of the designated hitter.

And Graham crackers.

Love those.

Or, uh, oil-based taints.

Paints.

Paints. [Clears throat]

Oil-based paints.

What a great, um, what a great conversation piece.

You have any pets, Zelda?

No, unfortunately.

I love dogs, but I'm allergic.

You know what I love about Graham crackers?

Everything.

Everything.

You could get one of those hypoallergenic dogs.

Oh, pass. If you're allergic, you're allergic.

You know what I'm saying?

Ah, that's what I say.

[Laughing] Yeah.

Boop! He knows. [Laughs]

Stu: Yeah. Like the brisket I made?

Would you like some soft cheese?

Pete: Did you lay that out yourself?

I did, I did. Yeah.

Oh, look at the little swirl around there.

Oh, that's a little baguette, yeah.

Is it me, or is this going really well?

Do you think that he'll notice that I carved his face into the cappuccino foam?

Wow. Yeah, he will notice that.

Ooh, I have vietnamese cinnamon in my room!

Hey, dad...

[Chuckles] This has been one hell of a night.

Yeah, you know, I...

I've clearly been stressing about nothing.

Thank you for being so great.

Yeah.

Not easy pretending to like somebody for an entire dinner.

What do you m... w... What do you mean, "pretend"?

I mean, Zelda's fine, but let's be honest.

You could do a whole lot better.

Zelda: Hey!

[Ball squeaks]

You ready for a game of taboo, p*stol Pete?

Hey, only if I can be on your team, z-bear.

Yeah, you know it! [Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Eh.

I want to be on Pete's team, too!

You should have stopped him!

Last night went so great.

Yeah, totally.

[Chuckles]

I mean, I don't want to brag, but, uh, I kind of nailed it.

[Both laugh]

Yeah, you did.

Yeah, he flippin' loved me.

Well, "love" is a strong word.

Well, he didn't hate me, though, right?

Well [Chuckles] "hate" is a strong word.

But at least he liked me, though.

"At least" is a strong... You...

He doesn't like me? H-how is that possible?

I'm so likeable.

I won "best couple" in high school, and the guy I was dating was a clown.

Oh, no.

I need your dad to like me.

T... he will. He does, Zelda.

I'm... you know what?

I'm gonna talk to him, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

I'm sure this is just a misunderstanding.

And in the meantime, don't even worry about it, you know?

Just leave it alone.

Leave it alone.

Okay.

Will do.

Narrator: Zelda's not good at leaving things alone.

Nope! We will not settle.

We will chase you down into the fiery pits of hell before we settle!

That is last time pizza palace forgets our garlic bread.

[Laughs]

[Gasps]

What did you mean, "we'll talk about it in the morning"?

Hey, I think I'm getting a blemish.

Leave it alone.

Okay.

Will do.

Miss vasco, you have some missed...

Oh, good. Thank you.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, can you leave me alone now so I can get busy leaving it alone?

[Both chuckle]

I'm serious.

You're serious. Okay.

[Chuckles]

Hi.

I just came in to ask why my profile was still up.

See, I came in yesterday...

First of all, miss Bennett, welcome back.

Can I offer you a bear claw or apple fritter?

Though, really, what's the difference, am I right?

Fritters have apple chunks. The bear claw is an almond pastry.

Interesting.

Um, I just want to cancel.

I'm now actually in a really loving relationship.

But will it last?

Things are great now, but you could discover that your boyfriend is cheating on you or, worse, that he has to run all your awesome ideas up the corporate ladder.

Um, I... I don't think that will be a problem.

Right, because you respect him, and you wouldn't go over his head or behind his back just because he was trying to do his job.

Dane, I would never do anything behind your back that I wouldn't do on your face.

Your boyfriend should never forget that you are a hot commodity and could get anyone that you want on the open market.

Well, you should never forget that your new boyfriend is no slouch. Oh, is that so?

Yes, because he may have once had a tryst with Gabrielle union.

"May have once"?

[Sighs]

[Sighs heavily]

Clear! Oh, my God, dad!

Whoa! Aah! Oh!

Whoa, whoa! Sorry, sorry.

I was just showing stu how to use my travel defibrillator.

Yeah. Uh, you want to take a ride on these babies?

No, I'm good, thanks.

You don't look good.

He doesn't.

Uh, what's wrong?

Yeah.

Guys, I'm fine.

And if I'm being honest, though, dad, I'd like to know why you don't like my girlfriend.

Well, I told you last night... I think you can do better.

Well, what Pete means to say is that that girl you're with is a pile of garbage.

Whoa!

That's a little strong.

Yes. I realized that as soon as I said it.

I'm just gonna go and practice with this in my room.

I'm sorry.

What gives?

Look, I'm not telling you to break up with her, but if you did, I'd be there for you.

Hell, we could finally take that trip to Europe that we were always talking about.

What trip to Europe?

And since when would Barb ever let you out of the house to eur...

Look, don't you worry about Barb.

Oh, I'm not worried about Barb.

Barb is not the boss of me.

Oh, yeah? Since when?

Barb left me.

[Voice breaking] Barb...

Uh, I'm sorry.

She ran off with a complete loser.

The schlub hasn't played 10 minutes for the rockets this whole season.

Hi, guys.

Uh, Pete, a little bird told me that you are a fan of red velvet. [Chuckles]

And I will also tell you that this cake has a drone on it,

'cause I know that you love drones.

Are you crying? Is he crying?

Oh, I can't win with this guy.

I'm gonna put this down. This is so heavy.

Pete: The moment Barb left me, the loneliness hit like a ton of bricks, so I... I figured I'd come here and hang around with you, like in the old days.

And then I see how close you and Zelda are, and I...

So you tell me Zelda's not good enough so that I'll push her away and spend more time with you?

That's horrible.

I'm sorry, just to be clear... You do like me?

Of course.

Bam! That's amazing. [Chuckles]

The breakup with your long-term girlfriend notwithstanding, of course. Carry on.

I can't believe how selfish you are.

Instead of being honest, you... you try and ruin my relationship with the greatest woman I've ever met.

Bam. I'm so sorry.

I can't be around you right now.

Pete, when you're feeling better, I just want you to know that the drone is edible.

I made it myself.

Zelda!

I... t... y... done.

[Sighs]

Hey.

Is your dad still in town? don't know. don't care.

Can't believe he tried to trick me into thinking you weren't good enough.

I know, right? Which is ridonk.

I mean, with... And the mind?

Please. I'm the total package.

Morning. Who's ready for some roller hockey?

Hockey?

Dad, are you even aware of what you did? don't worry. I wasn't talking to you.

Stu: I'm coming! I'm rusty on these skates!

Papa Pete! [Laughs] Yeah!

Aw...

All right. don't worry.

We're gonna wipe the floor with those eighth-grade b*tches.

Yeah. If anyone else wants to come along, they'd be welcome.

Not interested.

Maybe after, we'd get some ice cream.

He said he doesn't want to go, so let's go!

So, it's really important that when you go before the jury, you remember those five points... Hi.

I'm sorry. I tried to stop her, but she's fast, and she threatened to bite me.

Um, okay. Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, miss Bennett, do you have a moment?

This is important.

Uh, well, it can't be more important than this.

This man's about to go to prison.

I am?

Yes. I'm sorry.

This really can't wait.

What do you want?

I need to conduct an exit interview if we're going to officially terminate your membership.

So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your experience at wallflower?

Probably the worst I have ever been a part of.

I'll mark that down as a 6. Next question.

Would you recommend this site to a friend?

And how would you react if your boyfriend dissed an amazing idea that you had?

I see.

You've had a tiff with that handsome guy at your work, and you are looking for some advice.

Maybe.

Right. Well, if I answer your question, will you promise to cancel my membership?

Ugh, an ironic twist, to be sure, but, yes, consider yourself deactivated.

Well, let's see.

You look like a strong and confident woman, so why do you need anyone's approval if it's something that you really believe in?

Huh.

Not bad.

I give your advice a 9.

9?

It would have been a 10 if your accent wasn't so difficult to understand.

Why is my boss in your office?

I don't know, but I'm glad I'm not up there.

She scares me.

I swear she tried to bite me once.

W-why are you in my office?

We need to talk about your dad.

Narrator: Remember what I said about Zelda not being able to leave things alone?

I want you to patch things up with him before he leaves.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

He's the one who blew it.

He lied because he wanted to hang out with you.

Granted, he went about it wrong.

Yeah, he did.

Yes.

But, Andrew, your dad really needs you right now.

You need to be the bigger man and reach out.

What if you did something from the old days, you know?

Like, uh, I don't know... [Gasps]

What if you went to the batting cages together?

It was my favorite activity.

Yeah. Okay, great.

All-star baseball at 4:30 in south Pasadena.

Your dad is so excited.

These are your tickets, and then this is good for one piece of pizza and one small soda.

No arcade tokens?

Thank you.

[Children shouting, bats cracking]

Though Andrew didn't show it to Zelda, deep down, he was excited about getting to bond with his father again, like he did when he was little.

[Cellphone rings]

Hey, dad. You here yet?

Pete: Listen, I'm really sorry to do this, but Barb called.

She misses me a ton, and she wants to talk face-to-face.

I think she wants to get back together.

Oh.

Hey, uh, we'll do it another time, right?

Yeah.

Aww, thanks for understanding, buddy.

Okay.

Yeah.

I've been playing skee-ball for seven years.

I've got no use for these where I'm going.

Thanks.

Ugh.

[Sighs]

I appreciate you coming down here, but I'm fine.

How can you be fine?

Your dad just ripped your heart out.

Plus, you can barely keep up with a 50-mile-per-hour fastball.

That's not on me! The machine's throwing junk!

Talk to your dad.

Pete needs to know that he cannot treat his son like this.

No.

It's my fault. I should have known better.

Oh, come on!

It's his fault I can't hit a line drive!

Pete: Yello? don't you "yello" me.

Zelda?

And don't you "Zelda" me, either.

Listen, a day ago, it was very important that you liked me, but right now, that's the last thing I care about.

You know why?

Because you are a selfish bull-crapper bull-crapping your way through your bull-crap life.

Zelda, if you'll just...

You broke your son's heart today, and I hope you think about that the next time you're with Barb having old-people sex.

Mr. lofland.

Dad?

[Ball thumps]

Oh!

Lydia. Good afternoon.

I brought pastries... One bear claw, one fritter.

Which one would you like?

I don't know.

Did you run those pastries by corporate?

I understand that joke.

Dane, I know this new policy is a winner.

So do I. I knew it from the beginning.

I didn't want to show preferential treatment because of our... status.

So you really like my idea?

I don't bring pastries to losers.

I just had these installed...

For business privacy.

So...

So... No one can see us now.

Yes.

Leave the boots.

Dad, I'm fine. It was medium pitch.

Then why the hell weren't you hitting anything?

You know what? I just have to say...

Listen, listen. I'm sorry for ditching you today.

I knew it was dumb the second I did it.

And it made me realize that Barb's been bringing out the worst in me, so I've called it off with her for good.

I-I'm sorry, dad.

It's okay.

I've known deep down she was wrong for me for a long time.

Why'd you stay with her?

I think I was foolishly... Hoping that one day she'd wake up and make me as happy as your mom did.

That's a pretty high bar to set.

You're not kidding.

[Chuckles]

Luckily, I think you've found that in Zelda.

Bam.

When are you gonna put a ring on her finger?

I'm telling you, she's a keeper!

And I'm telling you, she's standing right there.

I'm just saying, it's great you've found someone special!

Thank you.

Eh. It's too late for me.

Come on. It's not too late for you.

We're gonna find you someone.

We will.

Please hit me in the face with this.

I'm too pretty to go to prison.

Okay.

Got to be someone crazy enough to date you out there.

[Bat whacks] Bam!

[Body thuds]

Okay.

Pete lofland, your interests include me and drones.

Anything else?

Nah, that about sums it up.

What about me?

Oh, yeah. And stoobie.

[Pete and stu laugh]

I'm not gonna type that.

Um, okay, what do we do next?

Uh, we just click this button, and we have ourselves some matches.

Ooh!

I want to date some of these.

All right, Deborah C.

Ooh, what about that one?

That one... Lisa. Yeah.

Eh... pass.

Okay. Okay.

[Gasps] Pass.

Ooh!

She's cute. Oh, no.

No, no, no. [Chuckles] No, no.

That's my roommate, stephie. I don't think... she's not...

Her... that profile's not even supposed to be on here.

I don't know, I feel like she'd make a really good stepmom.

Hey, she works right over there.

Oh? Let's get a closer look.

Yeah, let's do it.

"Deactivated," my ass.

Ugh!

Aah!