[Airplane engine roaring]
Why have you come to Belize?
I've been asking myself that same question.
Seemed like a good idea.
Four days of peace and quiet.
Drink de rum.
Have de party.
Dance at de...
[without accent] Just hang out.
I couldn't believe it, a free vacation.
Hey, buddy, how you doing, good?
Hey, Cobi, hey.
Hey, Gus is right behind me.
I don't know where he is, but...
Did you guys fly in together?
Uh, yeah... well, same connection from Dallas.
I flew from Indianapolis.
He came from Grand Rapids.
What the hell you doing up there?
Chasing a dream, bro.
They have those up there?
Yeah, they have them.
I didn't say I didn't know where it was.
I said it's not where I thought it was.
Where did you think it was?
I don't know, some island in the Caribbean or something.
We're in Central America.
I know that now.
They promised that my bag will arrive with the next flight, and they'll deliver it.
Oh, somebody's wearing the same clothes till they get home.
[Scoffs] Still the funny guy.
Man, we're good on maracas, man. Thank you. I don't get it.
If he can live anywhere he wants to, why would he choose to live here?
Well, isn't this place supposed to be, like, party f*cking central, girls gone wild and shit?
Doubt that. We're on the mosquito coast.
It's all about the taxes.
He's here for a tax break?
The rich retirees he sold the properties to moved here for the tax breaks, and now he's staying here for the tax breaks.
How do you know?
Dude, I'm a financial consultant.
I spend all day on this stuff.
If someone told me 20 years ago that people would entrust Cobi with their life savings...
I can hear you. I'm right there.
You got to be kidding me.
[Chuckles] It's kind of funny.
Who the f*ck is he calling a loser anyway?
Look both ways, gentlemen, both ways.
Is this a fully stocked bar I see?
Nice, look at this.
Got one for each.
Didn't know where Belize was, huh?
Take this map. That's for you.
Mango. Fresh mango.
Mango for you.
Here's one for me: "I need fi buy some draws."
"I'd like to buy some underwear."
"Dis da where the kruffy bathe nekkid?"
"Where is the nearest nudist beach?"
[Laughter] "Dat deh gal sick."
"She has AIDS."
Check that out.
Yeah, all right.
Really gonna be doing that?
Yes, we are.
I'm doing that.
This has got to be worth seeing, right?
Sign me up.
I'd rather go on my own anyway, so...
Hey, nice gift, Milo, right?
We all got one of those?
Come on, Lex, flash me some ass for old times' sake.
You know what? Excuse me.
Can we pull over to a Starbucks or something?
Yeah, man, a latte would be great.
[People chattering, laughing]
Is it legal to just have your cock out on the street like that?
Where the hell is this place?
That's got to be worth 3 million.
Yeah, but your money goes further down here.
It's still in the millions.
Are you kidding?
[Laughs] That's ridiculous.
Welcome to Belize.
Holy f*cking shit.
Oh, hell yeah.
Look at that.
Great to see you.
All right, all right, when do I move in?
This is pretty impressive.
Of all my friends' beachfront villas, this is definitely my favorite.
How's he get to retire at his age?
Apparently he got this amazing offer for the company right out of the blue.
24 hours later, boom, sold, just like that.
How do you know?
He called me about three weeks ago when he was trying to decide what to do.
Why didn't he call me?
An amazing offer out of the blue.
Always was a lucky son of a b*tch.
Milo always had smarts. Give him that.
There's no artistry in selling real estate, Gus.
It's about timing. Anyone could do it.
Why didn't you do it?
Yeah, right, like that's me.
You got, like, a soda or something?
Yeah, just inside on the left.
There you go.
You're my first guests.
That's what I'm saying.
To old friends.
To Milo, happy retirement, you lucky bastard, and for flying us all down here.
You always had a big heart, bro.
Yeah. Hear, hear.
I told Helena that I'd call her when I got here.
How is Helena?
Uh, fine, says hi.
You get a signal here, Milo?
No, the mountains screw it up, but you know where you get it?
You see that palm tree over there, the one that's bending down?
Top of that, sometimes you get a signal.
Oh, all right.
So what are we looking at here, your own private beach?
Uh, yeah, actually.
You can only get to it by boat.
Closest neighbor is 4 miles that way.
You don't want to walk it, though, 'cause it turns into mangrove swamp.
There is no signal, is there?
Got to go higher.
Sorry, man, my bad.
Hut! Hut! Hut!
Oh, yeah. What?
Oh, my God.
Get your ass in the water.
Really, you f*ck?
Losers, are we? Huh?
Gus, you're not gonna change?
You done good, kid.
At least one of us f*cking clowns finally cracked it, right?
Look, still buddies.
Don't you think that's pretty special?
Yeah, I do.
I just wish you would have come down here when I started the business.
You'd have been a great right-hand man.
Lord knows I could have used your help.
Man, if I'd have come down here three years ago when you started, right now, I'd be lying in some skanky dope house with a pipe in one hand and some strung-out beach bunny in the other.
Actually, that sounds pretty good, right?
Time to go.
Whatever you want, it's on me.
Why don't you let us treat you, Milo?
No, you hold on to your money.
It's not like we can't afford it.
No, really, he's owed me 10 grand for two years.
If he'd just acknowledge it occasionally, not that I need it.
I'll order for everyone.
Or we could order ourselves.
I think we know how the system works: Waitress, notepad.
How are you?
Good to see you again.
Come here. Meet my friends.
This is Lex.
We grew up, like, two blocks away from each other, which means he knows far too much about me.
All the filthy secrets.
Don't listen to a word he says.
This is Joel, absolutely the smartest, possibly the kindest guy I know.
And this is Gus, recently divorced, so if there's anyone you know who's...
I've never seen this man before in my life.
Please have him removed from the building.
His name is Cobi, actually, and he's one of my best friends, almost was my business partner.
Things get any better with the kids since you moved?
I thought I'd just leave them alone for a while, let them come to me when they're ready.
I'm still waiting.
Is it good?
Thinking about a move to the east coast, you know, maybe find a position in a college there teaching still, new start, you know, clean break.
Thank you, you too.
You buy this shit?
The house, retirement, Belize.
Whenever you're ready.
You think it's legit?
Why? Don't you?
He's different, you know?
The f*ck got an accent now?
You still doing construction?
Me and this guy I know are trying to flip some houses.
That can be lucrative.
Yeah, except right now, he's doing the flipping, and I'm hanging the drywall.
Oh, they ought to warn you when you graduate: Here's your diploma.
All that "reach for your dreams", you can achieve anything" commencement speech, it's horseshit.
The deck is stacked.
Yeah, but it shouldn't be, you know? We're male.
What the f*ck is he talking about?
You know what I say we do?
f*ck it. Let's go do some clubbing.
Yeah, me and those places don't exactly mix anymore.
Come on, guys, let's go out and show some g*n how to really do the running man, huh?
Come on. Let's go. Come on. Come on.
Lawrence, I was hoping to run into you.
Did you get my messages?
Yes. Yes, I did.
'Cause I didn't hear back from you, so I... you understand, right?
I got the offer for the business, and the timing was just too good to pass up.
Of course I understand.
You've made your money, and now you're gonna f*ck off and sit by your pool.
Or maybe you think that's the way things work down here: Cash in, check out.
You suggest I owe you something?
Seems a bit ungrateful.
I'm gonna send over a package to you, and then I'm gonna call you, and I'm gonna tell you where I want you to take it.
♪ we have a truck on the road ♪
♪ ya better link me for a croc on the road ♪
♪ ya better link me for a croc on the road ♪
♪ on the road on the road ♪
♪ on the road ♪
♪ ya better link me for a croc ♪
♪ we on the road with the wickedest trucks ♪
♪ we have the big bad sound system and the wickedest box ♪
♪ and the gal and dem that we know got the wickedest box ♪
♪ ah ♪
♪ I don't know why ♪
♪ anymore ♪
♪ oh, no, so ♪
All: ♪ come on, feel the noise ♪
♪ girls, rock your boys ♪
♪ we get wild, wild, wild ♪
♪ we get wild, wild ♪
Haven't done that in years.
Yeah, we could tell, man.
I think I herniated something.
So are we, like, middle-aged now?
How does that happen?
One minute, you're looking forward to everything, and the next, you're looking back over your shoulder.
Every time you get a headache, you think it's a f*cking brain tumor.
If something ever happens to me, this place, this villa, it's yours.
I don't have any family, so I left it to the four of you.
No, I... it's all settled. I talked to the lawyers and everything.
In case I choke on an oyster or something, I'd rather you had it than some corrupt local official.
I told you I'd find the way back.
Is that Junior?
Did he make it back?
Oh, this is Angel.
She's from Belmo...
Uh, she gave me a ride home, so I invited her in for a nightcap.
My house is your house.
Good night, everybody.
Think we should... we should say something, right?
Say something like what, Joel?
Like, "the guy's married."
"We were best men at his wedding."
He doesn't know what he's doing.
I think he has a pretty good idea.
What are you doing?
Having a drink.
What are you doing?
It's actually my buddy's place, but I get to use it whenever I fly down.
Are we gonna make dem p*rn?
Holy shit. That is my favorite film genre.
You want to see this?
Strip for me, then, boy.
So me like it.
Yes, yes, take off that.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Want me to do it like that?
Don't look at me.
Yes! [Moaning loudly]
Me can't be quiet.
Me can't be quiet.
Oh, yes, Jesus. Mmm!
Dig it up. Dig it up.
Dig it up. Dig it up. Dig it up.
Dig what up?
It's kind of tragic, though.
What was she, like, 20?
He could be her dad.
Yeah, right there.
I don't think he could be her dad.
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
I can blackmail his ass.
Why do you want to blackmail him?
Many reasons, Lex. Many f*cking reasons.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Who's calling you at 3:00 in the morning?
I thought you...
I thought he retired.
Hey. He's leaving us the villa? What was that about?
That was strange.
Oh, yes, Jesus! Aah!
You are the Don Dada!
And I already told you that I don't owe you anything.
There's always a next time and a next...
That's-a right, that's-a right!
Just like that.
Oh, yes. Jesus Christ!
This has never been my... that's not my...
You approached me!
Because I'm out.
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
Oh, yes, that's right!
Give it to me, take my body!
Come, come, come, come!
I don't know what I was drinking, but when I woke up, I thought I was in Belize.
Do you know what cowboys used to eat to cure hangovers?
Please don't tell me you tried it.
Milo, the whole trip has been worth it just to see Joel dancing.
Care for some coffee?
Please, can someone open the gate?
Me want to go home.
Be a gentleman. Let your friend out.
Uh, sorry, be right down.
You boys was pretty mash up last night with your crazy dancing.
Me not know which part you learn to dance.
How are you?
I am good.
You all behave yourselves, now.
Okay if I make some breakfast?
What are you making?
I'm gonna wing it, see what he's got in here.
Look at that. The man's got skills.
Got to be more than the hash slinger in my position.
Divorced. I got two teenage daughters.
I got to prove that I can do everything their mom can, only better.
What's it like being single again?
Who says I'm single?
Oh, nice. Who is she?
There's something on the bottom of your pool.
You think it just fell in?
As opposed to what?
It was taking a dip, and it got a cramp?
Go and get it, Cobi.
Why do I have to do it?
'Cause I asked you.
There's shovels in the garage.
Bury it behind those trees over there.
Why don't you bury it?
'Cause I've got to arrange for someone to disinfect my pool.
God damn it, why am I always the f*cking guy?
I mean, seriously, I'm always the guy.
You're the man, Cob.
Why don't you help out?
I'm coming. I'm coming.
You know, every time I go on vacation, this happens.
Does that make you horny?
Shut the f*ck up.
Why are we doing this?
You're not, Joel. I am.
You think he'd have a groundskeeper or something to take care of this kind of stuff.
Oh, yeah, you're nothing in Belize unless you have your own goat burier.
Get out of here.
You realize what's happening, right?
We're all beholden to him now.
Why, because he paid for the trip?
Oh, that's right. You weren't there.
He said he's leaving us the villa.
When did he say that?
When you were b*lls deep in a tween.
I mean, really, Cobi, how are we supposed to look Helena in the eye?
I can't think of reason why you'd need to look her in the eye, Joel, but, you know, thanks for caring. Wait.
He's giving us the villa?
He said if anything happens to him, he'd leave it to us.
You don't think he's sick or anything, do you, and that's why he's got us all here?
He got us here to show off. It's obvious.
My new glasses.
You want to fight?
Don't f*cking touch me, man.
Oh, listen, a friend of mine offered us his boat.
I figured we'd go pick up some supplies, go fishing, motor up the coast.
Guatemala's two hours that way.
Sure you don't want us to stay here and dig another hole for you?
I'll see you downstairs in half an hour.
Bring your bathing suits.
What's up with the box?
It has to do with the sale of the company.
Ah, hey, the guys told me what you said last night about leaving us the villa.
Yeah, it's yours, man.
Well, obviously, I hope it never is, but, I mean, I appreciate the gesture.
Is everything okay?
You know, you should bring Helena down here.
Uh, yeah, she'd love it.
You ever think about her and Joel, how they used to date?
20 years ago?
Yeah, but he really loved her.
You ever wonder if they keep in touch?
You said it was, what, two hours away from here?
Are you happy, Cobi?
Why wouldn't I be?
I just wondered if you ever regretted not getting involved with this, with me when you had the chance.
You really didn't want to take that risk, though, did you?
I don't know. I guess...
I don't really think about it.
Maybe you should.
Maybe you should next time you're sitting in your little office with its vertical blinds and its fluorescent lighting and its lunch hours.
I'm just busting your b*lls. Come here. You did good.
You did all right.
At least you're not bullshitting us like Gus, right?
Downstairs in 20, yeah?
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, faster, faster.
Only grab essentials.
Is that heavy?
No, I'm good.
Need me to help?
Two against one.
Yeah, so I started playing golf.
It's great for taking clients out.
You any good?
Nah, you don't want to be.
You got to let them win.
Jesus, listen to you guys.
Don't any of you have any ambition left?
Maybe we're happy with who we are.
Where's the f*re in your belly, huh?
You don't know about f*re in your belly, but I'll tell you what, you're gonna find f*re in your cock, aren't you?
"Here, Helena, I brought you a present back from Belize:"
Guess you better hope that Joel doesn't go tell her.
f*ck's sake, man.
So, Milo, this boat dude, is he, like, a good buddy or what?
To be honest, most of them down here are total c**ts.
The place attracts them.
Then why'd he lend you the boat?
Someone put a goat in my pool.
Are you saying we stole this boat?
Milo, that doesn't sound smart, bro.
What the f*ck are you doing?
Just take it easy.
I'm just flexing a little muscle.
You do remember how to do that, don't you, Joel?
You just implicated us in piracy!
Jesus Christ, Milo.
I cannot believe I chose you guys to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with me.
No, no, no, some of us have responsibilities, man.
I have a business. I have kids, bro.
Look, I don't know what's going on down here, but can we just...
Take us back now!
Do it, Milo.
Just take us back.
You do it.
Assuming you can navigate the reefs and the mud flats, help yourself.
Why you being such a prick?
No, you don't get to call me that, see, 'cause I'm the captain.
Don't worry. We're not really stealing it.
We're just gonna leave it someplace where it'll be difficult for the owner to find.
It's schoolyard rules around here.
Somebody pushes, you push back; That's all.
You know what? I really don't give a f*ck.
If you're gonna pull shit like that, tell us first.
Jump off, Joel.
There's nothing to walk on.
[Swamp creatures buzzing, chirping]
You f*cking ass.
You broke my glasses.
Tie us off, will you?
The only pair I have.
I got it. Go ahead.
Straight ahead. Walk for daylight.
So, like, where do we go to get a cab, man?
We hike, amigos.
Hey, Milo, when you eventually tell this guy where the boat is, you know, you don't need to mention, like, us, right?
Gus was telling me that you're lonely, Joel, that you're going inside your shell?
What'd he say?
He thinks you might be clinically depressed.
He says you have this inability to form meaningful relationships.
I said no such thing.
Ah, it's probably for the best.
I mean, look at him.
Wife's taken him to the cleaner's.
What makes you think that?
Who got the house?
God damn it.
You all right?
Can we slow the f*ck up?
I'm wearing loafers, for Christ's sake.
I honestly think he's gone completely nuts.
I think he's been living alone too long.
f*ck went all Colonel Kurtz on our asses.
Just what I wanted, melanoma.
All right, I'm leaving.
Get on a plane.
You're just gonna go?
Well, he'll probably never speak to you again for one thing.
I think he's in trouble.
Yeah, something's going on.
Yeah, isn't that the time we need to be there for him?
Yeah, but if he is in trouble, do we really want to be dragged into it?
If he needs our help, yeah.
Why can't any of you stand up to him?
Like, you're so in awe just 'cause he has a big f*cking house.
Hey, come on, Joel, we're a team.
We're best buds.
No, we're not.
[Laughs] We don't even like each other.
I'll tell you something. If you were in trouble, he'd be there for you in a f*cking minute.
The only thing we have in common is the fact we knew each other back in the day.
I mean, I'm a grown man. I have a life.
I don't have to have loyalty to him or any of you.
Wow, thank you, man. Jesus.
If that's the way you feel, why the f*ck did you even come down here?
You want to know why? Because Gus said he wouldn't come unless I came. I'm sorry, Gus.
I didn't want to be the reason that he didn't get a vacation.
No, don't turn this shit around on me, bro.
You didn't want to come either?
I wasn't sure if I was gonna be able to come.
The man just willed us his villa.
If you believe that, you're a moron.
Maybe he just got overexcited because we're all here.
We're going home.
So if you could... if you could call us a ride...
You all want to go?
If you do, that's fine.
It's just that Joel has a habit of speaking for all of you.
He can't help it. It's his inner-teacher.
Naw... we all want to split.
All right, the flight's at 11:00. I'll make sure you're on it.
Can I make a suggestion, though?
Stay for dinner?
Let me explain today.
Your ride will come in time to get you to your flight.
I know I pissed you guys off, and if there's any way I can make it right...
I guess I misjudged...
You know, that's not really what I was about to say, but thank you for interrupting me, Joel.
You sure you want all that?
Yes, I am, but thank you, mom.
Can I speak honestly to you all about something?
I doubt it.
Would you just f*ck right off?
Joel... Milo, just say what you were gonna say. I mean, no, forget it.
Wait for your cab, and then go home, would you?
When you gonna get out there again, huh?
I hadn't really given that a lot of thought.
Hey, remember that French chick you used to see before Lindsay? Um...
She was batshit crazy.
Mind you, they're the best in bed.
Can't b*at low self-esteem in the sack.
They're up for anything.
Your Kayla was probably like that, wasn't she, Lex?
Why would you say that?
'Cause she tried to cut her wrists.
Can't get lower self-esteem than that. What?
That's off limits.
No. If you're gonna do it, you do it.
Could you not talk about that, please?
For, like, the next 45 minutes?
What else should we talk about?
How about how Joel is still in love with Helena?
Why do you keep bringing her up?
I don't need to listen to this, and thank you for including me, but I don't want any part of your villa.
You don't want it?
No. Of course you don't. You know why?
Because you always thought you were better than me, more deserving, and for the life of you, you cannot figure out why I have all this, and you got... What?
How ironic that the person who has everything is so desperately unhappy.
You are so ecstatic.
You have five f*cking bedrooms, but you still can't sleep.
"I want my Helena back"?
Why don't you go back to your midwestern duplex, Joel, and mark off the days until you got the b*lls to take the overdose. And, Cobi, what are you?
You're like some puffed-up, low-level accountant?
[Slams] I'm a financial consultant.
Jesus Christ, Milo, you know, you've been on my case since I f*cking got here!
Just... you know what? Just spew it out, because you clearly got a bug up your ass about something.
You think you are this big fish in a small pond...
And that is what you are... you are pond life.
Lexi, I love you, bro, but you are a loser, and what pisses me off more than anything else is how comfortable you are with that, so you go back to whoever's couch it is you're crashing on or weekend drum circle, and, Gus...
I've been waiting for this all day.
You are a fraud.
You are living this gigantic lie in your suit with your f*cking fountain pen, and you lie to us, and what's worse is you lie to yourself, and about what?
Because you can't face the fact that you f*cked up?
That you had it all? You lost it.
You made your choices.
I made mine.
Now, get the f*ck out of my house.
A cat just walked in.
[Accented man] Where is the boat?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Open your mouth.
Don't bother with the police.
We are the police.
Bring us that boat...
He's d*ad, Joel.
You can't die on us.
Half his head came apart.
Where's the... we got to call the police.
He is the police.
The police don't go around in f*cking cat masks sh**ting people!
He left in a police boat!
We'll go to the embassy and explain.
No, you don't get it.
He blew Milo's head off because we took the boat.
They'll have a 24-hour emergency line or someth...
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Uh, what do you think their 911 is?
I'll try 911.
Put the down the phone!
f*ck took my DNA.
He can use that to place the black guy from Chicago in any crime scene he wants, so you can't call the police, Joel.
There'll be an investigation.
We want an investigation!
By a third world police force?
Milo just left us this villa, man, his four broke-ass friends.
We turn up, and then this?
I'm being framed for m*rder.
I don't know!
Let's go. Let's just go.
If we run, they will track us down.
Yes, Lex, the cat, who may or may not be the f*cking police.
Does Belize have an extradition...
You would know that. You were a lawyer. You...
Corporate. I did tax fraud.
Well, maybe that'd come up in your class?
Maybe it did! How the f*ck would I know?
Then Google it!
If you do that, there will be an online record of us searching for extradition, which makes us more guilty!
He would have k*lled us if he wanted to, right?
He just wants his boat back, so that's what we do.
We get rid of the body in case somebody shows up.
We clean this place up, and then we bring the boat back to the marina.
Then we get the...
f*ck out of here.
We go home, get on with our lives.
We don't have to see each other or talk about this ever again.
Uh, is Mr. Milo at home?
Uh, no. He's away.
Oh, I didn't know.
Yeah, he's not here.
We're house-sitting, so...
Ay! You hurt your arm.
Oh, right, it was too many beers.
Or maybe you were fighting?
American men, you love to fight, no?
So, right, you don't need to clean today, 'cause we had a party last night, and so we already cleaned up. It's... it's clean.
We didn't think it would be nice to leave you with a big mess.
Oh, no, I mean, why did you have a party?
Oh... It was my birthday.
We're having a reunion.
Well, it was his birthday.
And a reunion.
So why don't you just... you can take the day off. I mean, it's...
Actually, I'm not your housekeeper.
We're looking for a boat that has been stolen, and we thought maybe Mr. Milo could help with our investigation.
He's, um, showing a property.
He'll be back...
Uh, what is it... the day after tomorrow.
I'll come back then.
Excuse me, um, why would Milo know anything about a stolen boat?
I don't know. Maybe he doesn't.
Whoever took it must be crazy.
It belongs to a man named Jesus.
He's very dangerous, a psychopath.
When people cross him, he cuts off their hands and their feet, so I'm sure it will appear.
I'm getting out of here.
Jesus f*cking Christ!
Lex, I need some pants.
I b*rned my suit. I need some pants.
I b*rned my pants.
I'm getting back to Chicago if I've got to walk through f*cking Mexico!
Joel, I can't get on a plane without pants.
I left my camera on the boat.
You got any cash?
The camera, I left it on the boat!
All right, who gives a shit? You can have mine then.
I filmed us!
It shows us calling each other by name on the boat. It even shows us in here with Milo.
It's like a f*cking episode of America's Most Wanted!
[Upbeat bluesy music]
♪ yeah ♪
♪ all right ♪
♪ the line I sh**t, I never miss ♪
♪ I can make love to you, baby ♪
♪ you can't resist ♪
♪ 'cause I'm a man ♪
♪ a man of all men ♪
♪ that's spelled m ♪
♪ that's spelled a-n ♪
♪ man ♪
♪ a man ♪
♪ a man ♪
♪ a man ♪
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01x01 - Pilot
Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad Dogs". Aired: January 15, 2015.
A group of underachieving 40-something guys travel to Belize to see an old friend, when things take an unexpectedly dark turn.
Watch Mad Dogs [HD] on Amazon Instant Video.
Watch Mad Dogs [HD] on Amazon Instant Video.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1