In an ever more dangerous world, how do you protect yourself and your family?
Introducing the new Rayburn 223.
Man on PA: Welcome, manufacturers and distributors, to the Colorado Firearms Industry Expo.
Crisp, clean pull, minimal overtravel.
Order a thousand, you get platinum distributor pricing.
For double the accuracy...
At twice the range... you need the Reiser Twin Scope.
Man: Paxson. Arming America since 1938.
Here it is: secret w*apon.
Let's have a look.
Oh, Christ, Grady, I've been hawking g*n for you and your old man for 20 years.
You don't trust me?
Trust is the expressway to getting screwed in the ass.
The g*n goes on sale tomorrow morning.
We got to know what we're selling.
Oh, don't you worry.
This baby will sell itself.
At least tell me the caliber.
Is it heavy firepower?
It's going to make those tits of yours shake like a hula dancer.
Where are you going?
Ah. Beauty, b*ll*ts, and blow.
What more could you wish for?
I just wish you had a brother.
Woman: Park Consulting Group. How may I direct your call?
Good morning, Ken.
Do you want to make partner?
Look at your phone.
Oh. Yeah. I'm sorry.
I was in the men's room.
Steve's Telecom presentation is shit.
I need you to rewrite it by Friday.
Actually, I was, uh, I was supposed to go away with my kids.
I haven't taken any vacation this year.
In my experience, people who want to make partner make sacrifices.
Holy Mother of God.
It's a revolver, but it's semiautomatic.
You can see why I kept it under wraps, huh?
You're a g*dd*mn engineering wizard.
I'd leave my wife for that g*n.
Well, for 1,200 bucks, you won't have to.
Ready to take her to the prom?
Let's sell some g*n.
Where the hell is everybody?
You are looking at a whole new breed of g*n: a semiautomatic revolver. The new Rayburn Diablo.
Son of a bitch.
It's a g*dd*mn carbon copy, right down to the rails.
Oh. Morning, Grady.
Real showstopper, huh?
And at 599 a piece. Mm.
Can't b*at that.
What's in the lunch box?
How the hell did they get on to our design?
What the hell do you think? It's Rayburn.
Dad. Take a seat. We got to talk.
Two kinds of talk: facts or excuses.
Now remind me. How much did we spend on this abortion?
With R&D, looking at 18 million and change.
And how many did we sell?
50? 50 g*n.
We would have sold them all if Rayburn hadn't jacked us.
If your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle!
You looked me in the eye, and you told me you had distributors lined up, enough to cover the cost of this piece of shit.
I had them.
They all dumped us for the knockoff.
It's half our price. We can't compete.
Do you realize what you just walked into?
Rayburn's a man who will do anything, anything to get what he wants.
And you let him wound us.
You'd better believe he'll be coming in for the k*ll.
At least one of you is excited for the trip tomorrow.
The resort has three different pools.
I don't get why I can't wait and just drive down with Dad when he goes.
Your father has to work, and you have to suffer five days of summer break with your family.
What is that?
Mom said we were getting pasta.
Well, I wanted to try the new vegan place.
They're supposed to have a great kale salad.
This is bullshit.
"They're supposed to have a great kale salad"?
I'm sorry, but I don't think we should be giving them five cheese lasagna.
Do you want to outlaw pasta, Richard?
I just sometimes I think maybe he'd be better off if we took a firmer hand.
Like your father did with you?
He didn't make you change.
He made you leave.
Where the hell's Rayburn?
My father felt confident I could handle this transaction.
Huh. He screws me. He won't even show his face.
That's my baby brother.
Almost a full family reunion here.
Hey, you guys ever hear from Richard?
He still hobnobbing away up in Denver?
What do you want, you little weasel?
As you know, your brother Rayburn retains a 20% stake in your company Paxson Firearms.
Effective today, he's exercising his sell option.
The last valuation puts his stake at $24.2 million.
My father suspects that presently you may be unable to meet this obligation.
So, rather than see Paxson forced into bankruptcy, he is generously offering to buy you out instead.
You son of a bitch.
I'm going to knock your f*cking teeth out.
No, he's right.
Rayburn's entitled to that money.
And we don't have it.
Who would have thought you inherit a lion's share of the family business.
My father goes off, builds a company twice as big, and now I'm going to inherit both of them.
It's almost biblical.
I got my own.
I'll let Paxson go bust.
I'll burn the g*dd*mn place to the ground before I hand it over to Rayburn.
Hey. It's me.
Hope you got some good pool time with the kids.
I will be up late working.
I can't wait to get down there.
Sunblock. Wear it.
All right. Love you, babe.
Look at me, God damn it!
Take it. Take my wallet.
Shut up. I'm not here for your wallet, Bitchard.
Your old man and your brother made a mistake.
Should have given Rayburn what he wants.
They don't, I'm coming back for you.
Do you hear me?
Go on, leave your message.
Grady, it's Richard.
Call me as soon as you get this.
What the hell is going on?
Go on, leave your message.
You have reached a number that has changed or is no longer in service. Please check the number...
[phone beeps off]
Move one nut, I'll blow them off.
Christ, Grady, it's your brother.
Ha ha ha!
What the hell are you doing here?
Put the g*n down.
Sneaking up on a man's castle.
You got a death wish?
No, I don't have a death wish, but some psychopath hit man just attacked me over some deal of yours with Uncle Rayburn.
First he screws us...
No, no, no, no, no. Just fix it.
Okay? Fix it so whatever shit you did does not spill into my life ever again.
I appreciate your concern, brother, but I didn't do a damn thing.
I got screwed right as I was making a big move to market.
Let me see if I can guess. You pulled some wild-ass play that blew up in everybody's face.
Are you using again?
There's really so much to catch you up on.
But for your information, I passed the last two piss tests with flying f*cking colors.
Well, that is quite an achievement.
Uh, Grady, you might want to get in there.
Your dad heard you two talking and up and went for his g*n.
Who is that?
Comes by twice a week the drain the old man's cyst.
Rayburn thinks he can muscle my family?
I'll trade him blow for blow.
Dad, why don't you let me handle this?
From here on out, the only thing you handle is your pecker.
All right. Happy hunting.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Dad.
Do not escalate this situation, okay?
Whatever the problem is, you need to sit down with Rayburn and talk it out.
There's nothing to say. The man is a g*dd*mn animal.
Jesus, will you stop?
That... that's not going to solve anything.
Our only other option is to pay the man the money we owe him.
And right now every penny I got is tied up in those g*dd*mn revolvers.
You want to solve this thing?
All right, quit whimpering and figure a way to sell them.
You're asking me to help you sell g*n?
You're some kind of management consultant, aren't you?
You got that fancy MBA.
Well, put it to use for this family for a change.
I thought I was too chickenshit for the g*n trade.
All brains, no balls.
We're all in this together now.
No. No, we're not.
The only reason that I am here is because a man stuck a g*n in my face.
What the hell do you think that man is going to do when we can't come up with his money?
There's nothing to worry about, babe.
There's just a situation with my father's company, and he needs some help.
I know. Yeah. I'm not sure.
But I'll give you a call tomorrow.
The... the dog?
Of course I brought him with me.
Okay. Love you.
I'm going to need some clothes.
I reported the dog missing last night.
He's a beige labradoodle.
No. Sorry. Cell service here sucks.
Uh, have you seen any labradoodles this morning?
Have no fear. Dickless is here.
Ha ha ha ha!
Here's how this is going to work.
I'm going to pretend you're someone who deserves help and not the sadistic degenerate who tormented me for two decades.
In exchange, you will do whatever I tell you, starting with a call to our uncle.
Tell that sociopath you're working on getting him his money and to call off the infantry.
I must say you don't seem very happy to be home.
That is because I have worked very hard to protect my wife and kids from the shit show that is this family.
And yet our dog is missing, and now I'm lying to my wife, praying he turns up before she gets back and flips out.
Well, if you can't lie to your wife, who can you lie to?
Is that Tabby?
Yep. Dad's little sperm misfire's all grown up.
A real firecracker.
I thought she didn't want anything to do with us.
The old man got to feeling guilty knocking up her mom, so he gave her a job a few years back.
Now you're looking at the VP of marketing.
Tabby. Wow, you look so grown up.
Tits will do that.
All right, here's all we got on those g*n that we're stuck with.
I don't imagine you could f*ck things up much worse than they are.
What do you think, Chief?
Round's too snug.
Gotta leave room for a little grit so she doesn't jam up.
Yeah, listen, I went, uh, through this.
It's just costs and designs.
I need market research.
Do you think we got stuffed shirts like you sitting around pulling their puds spewing figures?
Come on, man.
Wait. Are you saying you made 18 million dollars worth of g*n with no research?
Why do you think this company is dying?
'Cause all Dad wants to make are wood g*n like it's frontier times.
Soon as I'm running the show, we'll be cranking out as*ault r*fles and 9-mils.
That auto revolver of mine is our first step, buddy.
Well, it was a misstep, because your customers aren't biting, and you can't afford to lower your price.
What you need now is a brand-new customer base.
One with high disposable income, low g*n ownership...
Oh, shit. Hey, Ken.
I'm not at the office right now.
I had a family emergence...
Yeah, I'm gonna get it done.
Yeah, I'll get it done.
Okay. Bye. Have a... [phone beeps]
Oh, my God. Look at yourself.
You got that thing strapped to your belt like a leash.
It goes off, you heel like a damn trained dog.
Yeah. When you have a real job, you gotta work hard, make sacrifices.
But you know what?
You get back what you put in.
That's why I'm about to make partner.
Isn't that what you told me the last time I saw you?
What was that, about, uh... ah, shit, three years ago?
You're a pleaser, Richard.
You're a nice, little lap dog.
And lap dogs don't become top dog.
Boss man's not gonna promote you.
You want something in this world, you gotta take it.
Okay. I gotta take it.
Well, I appreciate the career advice. from the guy whose dick-swingin' bravado just t*nk this business.
But right now, I should be on vacation with my wife and kids, you know, my real family.
So don't give me shit when I'm already stuck here with you.
The universe is hostile.
It tries to k*ll everything in it.
That's why I love my Rayburn .223.
And it's damn fun to sh**t.
Police are janitors, show up after you're d*ad, mop up the blood.
I carry a g*n, 'cause a cop's too heavy.
This is the great equalizer.
I mean, brute strength is the only thing men have still got on us.
Guess I'm a 9-millimeter feminist.
Woman: You have a visitor in Security.
Uh, no, I think he must be looking for my father.
They say they're here for Richard Paxson.
You don't think Rayburn would show up here, do you?
I want you to know I took to heart what you said before about giving up time with your real family, so I called your wife to make things right.
I told her how much you were missing her and, well, voilà.
She agreed to come and surprise you.
That woman loves you.
She really loves that dog of hers.
Said she couldn't wait to see you.
What? You lost Wendell?
He got away.
And I didn't want to worry you if I didn't have to.
ASPCA has all of our information.
What about his collar? It has our home number on it.
I changed the outgoing message last night.
Left the phone number at my father's and my cell.
You lost him last night?
You called me. You said he was with you.
Why would I ruin your vacation?
Because we talk to each other.
Anything else I should know?
The kids are starving. I'm gonna take them to dinner.
I'll come with you.
See if you can find our dog.
Or at least my husband.
Got it all figured out?
Actually, I want to ask you something.
What are you doing to market to women?
You think the problem here is my marketing?
The problem at Paxson is Paxsons.
You got dear old Dad stuck in the 1950s, told me women would never buy g*n.
You got Grady on probation for coke off burying his dick anywhere he can.
And now, here you are, another proud Paxson with a brilliant-ass insight.
We wouldn't even be over the barrel right now, if it weren't for this damn family feud with Rayburn.
Is that the ad for the revolvers?
Married white guy, 50 years old, that's the target customer?
Been the same for 40 years. Makes me crazy.
Think you gotta have a skanky moustache and a chicken-shit wife to want to protect yourself?
You know what?
You're right, you don't.
Can you email me that ad and round everybody up tomorrow morning?
Because you may have just had a brilliant-ass insight.
I called again about the dog. Nothing yet.
But I'm gonna try again first thing tomorrow.
This place is so pimp.
How old was I last time we came down here?
It was like a decade ago.
So you gonna tell me what's going on here?
I really gotta get some work done.
I got Ken breathing down my neck about that presentation.
Partner reviews are this week.
But you're here... in a rodeo shirt... dropping everything for your father's company.
I am helping them with this one thing, and then never again.
Last time I saw you, you were about knee high.
How about that?
That's a bicycle chain from the old factory.
Your great-grandfather started out by building bicycles.
When the w*r hit, he realized he could do more good by tooling g*n barrels.
I think I gotta go with bikes over g*n for the public service award.
I mean, Tour de France, Newtown m*ssacre.
A g*n is a tool like a shovel.
It's all on how you use it.
This is a Paxson M-1.
That was used to liberate Europe.
Is it really true how you used to wake my dad up when he was a kid?
Have Grady sneak into his bedroom and f*re a g*n out the window?
Boy was afraid of g*n.
Couldn't even take him to the range.
Had to get him over it somehow.
Welcome to Casa Grady, my chubby little partner.
Picked this baby up in the Sandbox...
Tikrit, first Gulf w*r.
That's so pimp. My parents won't even buy me g*n video games.
Well, the only folks opposed to g*n are folks who have never stared down the barrel of one.
You know what they are?
In this world, you're either a mouse or a snake.
Holy shit, that's a python.
[tapping on glass]
Hey, Chester, you hungry?
What the hell's the matter with you?
Every g*n is loaded, and you never aim where you can't sh**t.
You get it?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Put your feet shoulder width apart.
Make a triangle with your arms.
God damn it. If he can't manage to be on time, he isn't worth waiting for.
Am I late for the Sermon on the Mount?
All right, get on with it, Richard.
Okay. What do you know about the average Paxson customer?
He's a middle-aged man with a wife and kids, and he's not buying those revolvers.
Right now, Paxson is neglecting a customer base that has 830 billion dollars of purchasing power and only two percent g*n ownership.
The LGBT community.
It is an untapped market the whole industry's ignored.
You say the BLTs?
No, the gay community.
g*n for Gays? That's your Hail Mary pass?
Some firearms company's gonna be the first to reach out, and they are gonna get major brand loyalty in return.
You think there might be a reason they don't buy g*n?
There is no they.
It's parents who want to protect their kids.
It's people in law enforcement who happen to be gay, which, by the way, makes them eight times as likely to experience a violent crime.
Are you on crack?
Tabby, you said it yourself.
Everyone wants to feel safe.
You stick a rainbow flag on Paxson ads, half of our customers will dump us.
Our brand is our best asset, and you want to flush it down the toilet?
The brand's already in the toilet!
There has never been a better time to sell g*n in this country.
Sales have doubled in the past 10 years.
But what are you doing to capitalize?
You've got no merchandising, except for shirts and hats.
You should have licensing agreements for a hundred products.
You should have sh**ting ranges nationwide.
Where are your police contracts?
All missed opportunities just like this one.
How would you even market to them?
I've already priced a targeted ad buy.
Online banners and direct email can reach over a million customers in 24 hours.
Here's your current ad.
Just had to change one thing.
Oh, my God.
If you want to march in some pride parade, be my guest.
But we're Paxson, and our brand is...
Our brand is America, where you have the freedom to live any g*dd*mn life you choose.
You're sure about this strategy?
[fax modem beeping]
The ads look great.
How many click-throughs so far?
I gotta call you back.
Mom! Mom, it's not real!
It's just a training g*n. It's just rubber.
It's for practice.
You listen to me. You wanna play cowboy, carry a g*n on your hip, be my guest, but you keep it the hell away from my son.
You think I'm joking?
I'd have thought you'd want your son to learn to protect himself.
From what? Puberty?
You got gangbangers that'll k*ll him for his sneakers, pedophiles all over the Internet.
I know. You're in the fear business.
You think we're never safe. We should all be armed to the teeth.
And you're the head-shrinker.
You think if we all just share our feelings, everything will be rosy.
Boy can't protect himself, he'll wind up like his father.
You mean, trusting? Kind?
Family that loves him?
You spend your whole life trying to protect yourself, you end up with a life that's not worth protecting.
Mom, you're a member of the ACLU.
What about my Second Amendment rights?
Oh, Dad, when you were my age, you got to sh**t g*n, right?
Since the little stick-up he pulled on me, our son has talked non-stop about his new-found love of firearms.
I read online there's a g*n made in America every ten seconds.
And I'm the heir to a g*n dynasty.
I'll talk to him.
Just... Sorry, I gotta...
Yeah. Yeah, I'm... I'm...
I'm gonna work through the night, and I'll have that presentation for you first thing tomorrow morning.
Hey, Ken, listen.
Do you have any early sense about this round of promotions?
What do you mean "tight"? Who in our group already heard?
I've been a team player, Ken... for years.
Buddy, the coke's mine.
All that bacon's yours, you got it?
How about knocking?
I thought the patient could use a sponge bath.
♪ In a cave ♪
♪ On movie screen ♪
♪ Not what they say ♪
♪ It's what they mean ♪
sh**t the f*cking thing!
Grady Paxson, this is the Freebird county probation office.
You have a random mandatory drug screening tomorrow morning at 8:30 A.M.
Be reminded: failure to appear at the county testing site results in a*t*matic failure.
Have a pleasant day.
God damn it, supposed to space the f*cking things out.
I just passed one!
Baby, it's okay.
It's not okay.
This time, it's a felony.
I gotta think.
I gotta pass.
I need piss.
That's not... that won't work.
Babe, they stand in there and they watch you while you give your sample.
Of course, they do, but, uh...
There's gotta be an answer.
f*ck, why can't I think?
f*ck! Don't freeze up on me.
What about the... the f*cking bag with the piss?
The tube that you put in your dick?
That's for taking urine out.
Can't you throw the car in reverse?
I mean, it's a cylinder. It draws piss out.
It oughta be able to push piss in.
I empty out the f*cking t*nk, I catheter in the good stuff.
Why wouldn't that work?
I think it could.
Why not? Yeah.
But, I mean, mine's dirty, too.
No, it can't be yours.
It's gotta be clean.
Nothing? Still nothing?
How about some more fruit punch?
I'm trying, God damn it!
It's not a God damn spigot you can turn on and off.
You got me bloated like a mare with a foal.
You unleashed Niagara Falls in that boardroom.
Come on, now.
If this works out, I hope you enjoy it.
'Cause it's the last drops of my piss you'll ever see, you God damn dope fiend.
What else can we give him?
At that age? They're like camels.
What the hell is this? Found dog?
I meant to leave that for your dad when I was at the house.
The phone rang, guy said he found a lost dog.
No, it's the best thing you could have done.
What the hell's going on?
Well, I'm happy to tell you, brother, that there's been a break in the case of your missing pooch.
Someone found him?
A good Samaritan picked him up in a park.
Called Dad, Aubrey here got his information.
Oh, God, that's great.
Oh my God.
Is she okay?
Is she high?
Are you high?
Well, that brings us to the business at hand.
See, my presence is required at a drug screening for which I am ill-prepared.
However, I possess the number of you dog rescuer, and you posses clean urine.
That's a win-win situation.
You... are the most depraved sleazebag I have ever known.
I'm gonna fix you a drink.
My dog is missing because of shit you got mixed up in, I come down here to help, and you try and extort me?
Shh. So loud.
I wanna see the safe return of your dog.
You really are pathetic.
And you know the saddest part?
I might have actually helped if you'd just asked.
Richard, it's 6 months to a year in jail.
Well, for your sake, I'll hope for a year.
All right, yeah, walk on out.
Yeah, you're a real pro at that, aren't you?
You get the credit because you always make it happen.
You turned your back on us, that was your choice.
Well, that's funny, because I don't remember choosing to almost drown.
Or choosing nine months in a hospital bed.
But maybe's that's because my head split open.
That was an accident.
You know I would...
Could have happened to anybody.
No, you get coked out of your mind, you g*n a 5 ton truck across a half-frozen lake.
You were a simple victim of circumstance.
Any statute of limitations on blaming me for shit from high school?
That is just one rose in a bouquet of misery that have gifted me my whole life.
So forgive me, but you don't deserve one shred of loyalty.
I'll keep that in mind when I call this number in the morning and claim your dog and find a nice new home for it three states over.
Give it to me.
Give it, Grady.
You piece of shit.
Knock it off.
Knock it off, what the hell's the matter with you guys?
Sooner or later, you're going to be putting me in the ground.
You're going to need each other.
Now, shake hands.
No! No, no, Dad!
Choke it off!
How could I have left?
Where the hell is Wade?
I've been trying him for hours.
Our two biggest dealers in Salt Lake called.
They're not gonna carry Paxsons anymore 'cause they saw your damn ads.
Your little experiment is k*lling us.
Well, you wanna sell a billion g*n?
Invent one that can protect you from your f*cked up family.
It's the guy!
The guy Rayburn sent, he's here!
He's armed! My God!
I'm on f*re!
I'm on f*re!
I'm on f*re! I'm on f*re!
Help me! Help me! Help, I'm on f*re!
I checked the entire property.
Car's long gone.
I'll put a description out.
Park a deputy by the house.
Best I can do.
You need to g*n up.
You've got to protect yourself, Richard.
Those burns look really bad.
Ah, it's nothing.
Could have been a lot worse.
What time is it?
I don't know, about 8:00.
Keep your g*n, but I need this.
Where you going?
Take a piss.
Ah! Ah, son of a bitch!
Sorry! I'm trying to shift.
I'm trying to stick a tube in my dick.
Ah, my God.
It's in, it's in.
If you could use this kind of ingenuity for anything besides your own moral decrepitude, I think you'd win a Nobel prize.
Every second now my kidneys are pumping, polluting the clean stuff.
Where's, uh, my father?
I got a message he needed me.
What's going on?
Backlash to those ads of yours.
Bigger shitstorm than I could have imagined.
Utah g*n dealers are boycotting Paxson firearms over ads for gay customers.
What they didn't expect was blowback.
The Gay and Lesbian Alliance commends Paxson for their ads and we encourage any consumers in that market to buy Paxson products.
My husbands never sh*t a g*n.
I've been a sh**t all my life, but this is my first Paxson.
I want to support them.
Put out a press release, story's all over the web.
Phones been ringing off the hook.
We got dealer orders for 1200 of the new g*n.
You got lucky.
I don't know what you plans are, but let me tell you something: I started out wheeling crates in the warehouse.
Been busting my ass at this company, and one day, I'm gonna run it.
You get in my way, I will f*cking cremate you.
Give us a minute, will ya?
Great news about the sales.
Listen, you should up the ad buy.
I would double it.
We will, then.
It's not the reason why I called you down here.
I want to get things in order, you know, just in case...
The important thing is, I want to be fair, to you and to Grady both.
Now, he's worked here his whole life...
Dad, you don't have to worry about my...
I'm leaving the company to you.
It's the best sh*t it has at going on.
I need you to come home, son.
Late fourth quarter. A little razzle dazzle from the Paxson squad.
Boom, touch down.
"Narcotics screening finds trace elements, results inconclusive."
Get a retest in two weeks.
And you, brother, get your dog back.
Uhp, there's the boss man.
Tugging the leash.
Can you hang on a sec?
I'm not gonna let the company go to Rayburn.
And it's gonna be ours.
Look at you, brother.
That the car you're looking for?
Make, model, and color. And the plates are stripped.
Found this under the seat. One of those throwaways.
Three calls, all incoming, all from the same number.
Let's see who this guy's so friendly with.
Thank you for calling. Paxson Firearms, Arming America since 1938. For the company directory...
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01x01 - Pilot
Pilot episode transcript for this TV show. Aired Thursday 15th January, 2015.
Watch "Cocked" [HD] on Amazon Instant Video
A corporate lapdog is forced to return home to Colorado to save his family's struggling g*n business, much to the horror of his liberal family, and his playboy older brother who never left.
A corporate lapdog is forced to return home to Colorado to save his family's struggling g*n business, much to the horror of his liberal family, and his playboy older brother who never left.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1