04x04 - I See Crazy People

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I know you've only been gone a couple of days, but look what you missed.

Emma, stick out your tongue.

(Laughs) Yeah.

Emma, blow a kiss.

Amazing, right?

(Laughs) That's great!

All mom taught us how to do was the field sobriety test.

I'm telling you, I think she might be a genius.

What is wrong with the world?

Ben posted Emma doing that stupid tongue trick, and it already has over 200 likes.

I change my status to "in a relationship with Ben Wheeler," and I only got one.

And grandpa Perrin likes everything.

Riley, you're the girl who cried "Ben."

I mean, you've posted that so many times, no one believes you.

I know I don't.

Oh my God.

I'm Mindy.

Ooh, and I'm Darnell. I love role-play.

No! Mindy is a girl from my office who finally landed the guy she's been chasing her whole life, and then all of these horrible women ran this secret pool betting on how soon they'd break up.

That's horrible.

How much did you win?

Almost $100.

(Chuckles)

(Door opens)

Bonnie: All right!

Which one of you shiny-haired degenerates stole my conditioner?

Says the woman in my bathroom standing under my water using my towels.

Did I use the word "my" enough?

'Cause I just don't think you're getting it.

Oh, I get it, you know, but you're just not getting rid of me.

I bought plenty more hair where this came from.

Danny: Hey, mom, looking good.

Ooh. Hey, is that your brother?

I wonder if he has an opinion on this.

No. No, there is only one brother whose permission you need to live here.

This one.

Danny? Danny, Danny.

Give it to me. No.

Tell Tucker that the woman who carried all 14 lbs. Of you inside of her body for 11 months can stay in your room!

Hey! No! Give it.

You two might share D.N.A., but I share a wall with you.

If she doesn't get out, your secrets will.

(Chuckles) Okay.

So, you homesick yet?

W-why would I be homesick when Paris is my new home?

I gotta go.

I think that went pretty well.

Totally.

Except for the part where you forgot to mention that your girlfriend dumped you before you even hit the ground in Paris, and that you're actually in New York, secretly crashing with your mom's ex-boyfriend.

S04E04
I See Crazy People

Okay. Last question.

"What is your idea of the perfect date?"

Is it, "a," a walk on the beach, "b," dinner and a movie, or, "c," a quiet night at home?

Which one ends with sex?

And it's "d," none of the above.

Which brings our compatibility score to a 10...

There you go! Perfect score.

I told you we were meant to be together.

Out of a hundred.

We failed.

Riley, please don't go there again.

Okay, first, we are shunned by social media...

You're going there.

Then we failed seven different quizzes written by experts.

You're almost there.

And to top it all off, I think the horrible women at work are running a pool on me.

And you're there. Riley...

Come on, please.

Who cares what everyone else thinks?

All that matters is that we're together.

No, what matters is that everyone is jealous that we're together.

Okay, mom, mom.

My mom agrees with me, don't you?

Yes, in my experience, one kid is enough.

No. No, Riley is concerned that we might not be entirely compatible.

Well, it's just she spent so many years building up this relationship in her head that there's absolutely no way it could ever live up to her expectations, so there's really nowhere else to go but down.

Mom!

Why would you say that?

Sorry. It was a little unclear which way you wanted me to go.

(Sighs) We're doomed.

It's over. I mean, should we just end it now?

No, it's not. It's fine.

What were we even thinking?

Relax. Chill. You know what happens... nobody thinks that we can...

Does this really work? (Chuckles)

I mean, hello.

I have the pores of a baby.

A beautiful, beautiful baby.

But, Danny, we need to talk.

Okay, but can we wait until we take the masks off?

Because you're kind of freaking me out.

I have a new girlfriend, and I'm not really set up for the whole "roommate" thing.

Don't worry. I get it.

Honestly, I don't think you do.

I need you to leave, Danny.

Okay. I'll just call one of my teammates...

Whose numbers are in my laptop.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

Well, actually, you need to go somewhere, because I left it at my place.

But it's cool. You could just sneak in and get it.

Thanks in advance, bro.

I can't go there. What if I see your mom?

Bad things happen when I see your mom.

Also very good things, if you know what I mean.

I do, but I'm going to pretend like I don't.

Uh-oh.

What's wrong?

Is it normal to be completely numb from the neck up?

Yes, that means you're almost done.

Now we're onto the teeth whitening.

Man, I love a project!

I'm telling you, now that we're in a relationship, it's like she doesn't want to be in a relationship.

(Scoffs)

And who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me?

I should probably ask someone I haven't already dated. I'm sorry.

Uh-oh. Crazy in the courtyard.

What are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No shirt, no shoes, no psychic.

(jersey accent) Oh, come on.

It's just a little card reading.

Who doesn't want to know their future, huh?

If you could actually see the future, you'd see me throwing you out of here.

Oh, what's the harm?

I tell a few girls their lives are perfect, they'll eventually meet the one, no one gets hurt, and I can afford to get a divorce from my husband before he cheats on me next summer.

As always, it's a pleasure saying goodbye, mom.

Goodbye, mom.

You know, on second thought, I think you and I might be able to come to an understanding.

Hi.

Hi.

So I told my mom that you and I were back together, and she asked me if I ever thought about getting my tubes tied.

Forget your mom. Maybe we should talk to an expert.

Oh, look! Here's one now.

Hi. Hi, I'm Ben.

This is my girlfriend, Riley, who's doubting our future together.

Ben, I'm not listening to some crazy fortune teller who makes her living preying on gullible women.

Okay?

Suit yourself.

But it looks like you two might actually be meant to be together.

Really?

Well, well, what else do the cards say?

Ben, sit down. It's important.

Love... success... family.

Okay, let's reel it in.

I already have one kid, all right?

Oh, this is not good.

Is it bad?

That's usually what "not good" means.

I see a big blowup and a giant break in your future.

You got all that from a turkey holding up a beach ball?

I'm sorry.

The cards don't lie.

Did you hear that?

(jersey accent) The cards don't lie.

Riley, she can't predict the future any more than I can.

Oh really? Well, here's a little prediction.

You might want to do something about your pipes.

My pipes?

I'll have you know my pipes are doing just fine.

Ben! The bathroom pipes just exploded.

There's water gushing everywhere. (Whimpers)

Oh my God. We're doomed.

Oh, don't worry.

My brother's a plumber, he's already on his way.

(Door opens)

Brad: Hello?

Tucker: I just need to know, Mr. Wheeler, I mean, how did you get rid of her?

Really? I guess I can do that.

I tried it once in college.

All right, gotta go.

(Door opens)

♪ I got soap on a rope and I'm squeaky clean ♪

♪ I got a nice new razor and some shaving cream ♪

(Beatboxing)

Yeah.

That's my robe!

Oh. Oops. Do you want it back?

Are you referring to the robe or my innocence?

Because both are as good as gone!

♪ That's "b" to the "o" and a double "n" ♪

♪ I got an "I" and an "e" and a hot back end ♪

Ooh.

Yeah, you like that song, don't you, tuck?

♪ Got the shower curtain open to create some steam ♪

♪ living here for free, it's the American... ♪

Brad?

Hey, bon bon.

How have you been?

What are you doing here?

Yeah, I knew you were gonna ask me that.

So, you finally realized that you're nothing without me, so you've come to beg me to take you back?

Sure, let's go with that.

Yeah, well, I'm not some two-bit tramp that's just waiting to jump right back in the sack.

You have to call first.

I'll remember that for next time.

"Next time"?

You still owe me an apology from last time.

Remember? When I threw myself at you and you publicly rejected me?

Oh God, you're sexy.

Stay strong, Bonnie, stay strong!

Maybe if you hadn't hit on my father, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!

Yeah, well, maybe if everyone in your family didn't look like a greek god, I wouldn't have hit on him!

Well, then maybe we can both agree that this was a bad idea.

So... I'm gonna go.

So, wait, you come all the way over here just to tell me we're still through?

Yup, pretty much! I'm a horrible person!

Yeah, with a great ass!

I'm just saying if we're asking crazy strangers what they think of our relationship, why don't you go ask Barry the cat guy?

I did! He said we're a bad idea!

And then he meowed.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't get back together with you if you were the last man on earth!

I'd only be the last man because you sucked the life out of all the rest of them!

(Scoffs)

Well, at least I suck at something, you overachieving, perfect specimen of a man!

Do you see? That's what a bad relationship looks like, not this.

This is what a good relationship looks like.

Tucker, tell her we're perfect together.

Perfect would be if you two argued at her place and this one went to a shelter.

What's perfect?

I mean, if two crazy kids like Brad and I can't make it, there's no such thing as love.

Riley, we've known our whole lives that we were meant to be together.

Well, you have. Granted, I'm kind of new to the party.

Exactly. I know everything there is to know about you, but what do you know about me?

Huh? Let's see.

Favorite food, color, flower and movie. Go.

Ooh, I think I know.

Wait. Should we write our answers down or just shout 'em out?

No help from you two.

Okay, okay, I'm gonna go with pizza bagels, yellow, chrysanthen... chrys... roses... and anything with the word "Terminator" in it.

Oh my God.

So wrong.

Oh!

Fine, okay, let's see you do me then.

Okay, spaghetti, blue, daisies... although you would never admit it... and "Terminator" everything.

That's pretty close.

And we've failed again!

Riley, why do I have to study to be your boyfriend?

I can't do this! You know I don't test well!

So... so you're breaking up with me?

Oh my God! We're not breaking up!

Honestly, I think your mom was right!

There's just nowhere for this relationship to go but down.

Riley, come on!

Well, I did not see that whipping back to me.

Ben: Normally, I know why a girl's mad at me.

I didn't text her back fast enough.

I forgot her birthday.

I slept with her stepmom.

But this? Totally lost.

Look, no offense, but this little problem of yours pales next to mine.

What problem?

I'm living with your mother.

Dude, I had to live with her for 18 years.

You know why? Because she's your mother!

Come on. (Sighs)

Too bad Brad didn't stick around long enough to take her off our hands.

Brad.

Wait, that's it. See you later.

That's how I can get her out.

Wait, wait. Dude, you're supposed to help me figure out what to do with Riley.

Tulips, blue, and the Princess Bride.

Anything else, just call Danny.

He speaks fluent Riley.

(Clicking)

(Rings)

Oh. Hey, Ben.

Bon jury.

Just another exciting day here in Paris.

Or, umm... Or night. I mean night.

Just another exciting night here in Paris. (Chuckles)

I just need some brotherly advice.

How can I get Riley to stop worrying about us?

What's she so worried about? I mean, sure, we fight, but we get along better than most brothers.

Not, not us us. Me and Riley us.

She doesn't think I'm committed or paying attention.

I forget which one she said.

Look, I just need you to tell me everything you know about her, so I can pretend that I knew it all along.

Look, I'll tell you everything you need to know about Riley, but all she really needs to know is that you're around for the long haul.

The long haul.

I think I know exactly what you're talking about.

Hey, did you use my soap?

(Blows) Hey, who's that?

Oh, Georgie...

(Chuckles) And she's got a cold.

Oh, put her on. I wanna say hi.

(High-pitched) ♪ don't look at me ♪

♪ I'm hideous ♪

Wow. Bro, no offense, but Georgie's got some hairy knuckles.

I think this definitely says "long haul."

Danny: No problem. Thanks anyway.

Man! That's the third one of my teammates whose apartment is getting fumigated.

Rangers have a real pest problem.

So do I.

Are you sure I can't just stay here?

I mean, this is the last place anyone will look.

(Knocks)

Who is it?

It's me, Tucker.

(Gasps) Nobody's home!

I'm gonna give you a second to think that one through.

Hide!

I know you have no faith in us, but I'm hoping you'll let me convince you otherwise.

Your favorite wine, I believe.

Oh, it is. And tulips.

Ben. So you really did know?

(Scoffs) I'm so sorry for being so crazy.

Can you forgive me?

I'll try, but that's what a relationship is about, it's give and take. (Breathes deeply)

And now I'd like to give you something.

Oh my God, please say it is garlic bread, because... Oh my God. Stop talking, Riley.

Ben. Are you serious? I mean, I can't...

I don't know if I'm ready for... earrings... 'Cause I'm already wearing some, which I will take off right now Ugh. I hate these.

(Clatters)

Oh, I love these.

You know I gave you those too, right?

Tucker, I don't care what you say, I'm not getting back together with Bonnie.

But she's so sweet and kind.

Yeah, she's like a delicate flower.

(Bonnie pounding on door) Brad!

Open this damn door immediately, or I will break it down and b*at you with it!

Well, there's the flower now.

(Whispers) I have to hide! Curtains!

Closet.

(Whispers)

(Whimpers)

(Whispers)

Phew!

Bonnie. (Chuckles) What are you doing here?

You know what, Brad? You do not get the last word with this.

And why don't you want to go out with me?

I'm amazing!

And by the way, you came to my house.

I did not show up at yours!

But you're at my house now.

Yeah, well, if you're suggesting we should have make-up sex right now on this amazing, white leather couch, I would have to think about it for a few minutes, and then I would probably say no.

(Keys jingle)

(Kicks)

Crap, it's my girlfriend.

Just a second, honey!

There's something wrong with the door!

You have a girlfriend? How could you?

It was pretty easy. I mean, hello!

But seriously, you have to go hide. She's really jealous of you.

She is? So you guys talk about me?

Go! Go! Go!

Curtain?

No.

Closet?

No!

Bathroom?

Yes.

Right.

Jennifer, you're early. We should probably go.

Thanks, Brad, see you later. I've got some locks to change!

No, you don't, you little...

(Chuckles) Okay.

(Chuckles) Jennifer, why don't you take a seat, and I can explain everything.

So should I just stay back here for this or...

Mmm! So good.

Parmesan, one of your favorites.

Ben, you are truly amazing.

Hey, psychic lady, you see this? Us, together, happy.

No big blowup, no big break.

Turns out we're totally fine.

Oh. Oh!

Really? Because she kinda looks like the opposite of fine.

(Bangs table) Riley, what's wrong with you?

My tongue feels kinda fat.

I think there's something wrong with the food.

I think there's something wrong with your face.

The food's fine, yeah.

Eggplant parmesan, your favorite.

Eggplant?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I am allergic to eggplant!

Chicken parmesan is my favorite!

Oh my God, maybe I didn't write that down.

(Gulps, choking)

Ben? Ben!

I'm choking.

Oh God. No, no, no!

It's okay! I've got it!

I was a girl scout.

One, two, three.

(Gasping)

(Cracks)

I think you broke a rib. Oh my God.

Ben, I'm so sorry.

A blowup and a giant break.

Yes! And my mom wanted me to be a doctor!

(Laughs)

(Chuckles)

Again, I'm so sorry.

I guess I don't know my own strength.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, the nurse thought we made a cute couple.

I'm sorry for being so insane.

I guess I just caught up worrying about what other people think.

Who cares what other people think?

Other people are stupid.

Yes, they are.

(Both laugh)

Oh, and by the way, the answer is "c," a quiet night at home, just the three of us.

(Panting) Yes!

First one back!

And that is why I always carry a bag of marbles, huh?

So how does it feel to be b*at by a lady?

The only lady I saw was the one you pulled out of that moving taxi.

Yeah, well, if you need me, I will be in the winner's circle.

A.K.A., my room.

It's not your room! Get out of my house!

Hey, did you see that tramp that Brad is going out with?

I know, right? You're so much prettier than she is.

(Indistinct chatter)

Second favorite, "b," dinner and a movie.

(Gasps) Oh, and I happen to know that the Princess Bride is playing at the Kingsley.

Oh, that's my favorite.

I know.

But you hate that movie.

You said it was boring and stupid.

Well, from now on, I'm gonna pay attention to things that you love. You'll see.

(Snoring)

(Sniffling)

(Music playing)

(Sniffling)

(Whispers) Sorry. It's my favorite movie.

Danny?

Hmm. Did you move recently?

Yes. Yes, I did.

I don't think your new surroundings are good for you.

In fact, I'd say you're living under a black cloud.

Oh my God, thank you.

All right, I've got to figure out a way to get my place back.

You are amazing.

Do you need a roommate? Okay, never mind.

(Sighs)

"Black cloud." (Chuckles)

Nice touch.