01x01 - Series 1, Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

I read this article once.

It said there's an institute in Switzerland dedicated to sex.

And they published this report.

They'd spent ten years studying the male erection, and they came up with a scale for measuring hardness.

They said there's four categories of hard-on, from soft to hard.

Starting with the softest, Number One, and they called that... tofu.

(squelch)

Number Two is peeled banana.

(crunch)

Number Three... banana.

(slap)

(slapping continues)

(rhythmic slapping and crunching)

Number Four... cucumber.

(series of thwacks)

(thwacking continues)

(squelch)

(sighs)

I hate gay men. Why are we even going?

I hate them all!

It's all "Hi!" and, "Oh, my God!" and, "Look at you!"

Yeah, well, don't look at me. Do me a favour, don't!

That's why I've got you. I don't even like you particularly.

You're just someone to watch TV with so I don't have to go out.

Max is gonna be there. Oh, I hate Max!

And Raymond. "It's not Ray, it's Raymond."

"I'd rather you called me Raymond."

Yeah, and I'd rather you f*cked off.

And Steve. I hate Steve.

I kissed him once, about 15 years ago, and now he's got this look on his face like he knows me, the bastard.

OK. That's enough. That's enough now.

Well done.

That's just weird.

It is, isn't it? Veronica sent me a link for that hotel.

She says Madrid's fantastic.

But it's a city. It's always a city, we've got no choice.

Maybe I'd like to go to the coast, with a beach, and sea, and sand, but we can't, can we?

No.

Well, then.

I'll go on my own.

Send me a postcard.

We should go on a date.

Where did that come from?

I don't know. This. You and me.

We should go on a proper date, like in the old days.

Have you been reading a book?

It'd be nice.

We go out for dinner.

OK, leave it, fine.

Good, I think I will. What did you say it for anyway?

Leave it.

Oh, God, I wanna go home.

They're gonna be all like, "Oh, hiii! Hiii! Hiii!"

All: Hiii!

Oh, my God, I hate this.

I hate you all. Can I go now?

I've said hello, can I go? What's your name again?

Oh, you're too slim, you make me sick. Mwah.

And you can just f*ck off.

Hey!

Cheeky.

Oh, my God, look at you.

Hey, hang on, hang on. Right, look at this.

I can turn to the right...

I can turn to the left... and if I'm very, very careful...

I can... get on down.

No, no, no, no, don't, you're gonna snap.

It's OK, they're made out of titanium.

Once upon a time, I had buns of steel. Now I have titanium hips.

This new bloke comes to AA and we get talking, turns out that he teaches applied physics at the Metropolitan.

Married, he tells me after three hours, so that was a waste of time, but d'you know what he said, right?

He said, "I can tell you what destroyed your hips."

He said, "It's because you're an alcoholic."

He says, "Excessive alcohol causes a toxic granulation of the blood, so your own blood is grinding away in your joints like sandpaper."

Three decades of vodka have turned my bones into dust.

You drank your hips away?

I drank my hips off.

'Scuse me, sorry, can I take those for you?

(series of thwacks)

Can I, er, get you anything else?

Not at the moment, thanks. We're pacing ourselves, at our age.

Sure.

Got him. I knew it, his name's Louis.

"Top, but will flip for the right guy, 18-25, no faceless torsos."

Oh, for Christ's sake, we're not even in a gay bar.

The whole world is a gay bar now. Link to Tumblr...

Oh, yes, indeed. Photo of his cock. Gorgeous.

You're kidding me. What happened to all the build-up?

Don't you need a bit of mystery?

Oh, f*ck mystery, that is brilliant!

Look what I found, his cum sh*t!

No way.

Turn it round, it's widescreen.

All: Whoa!

All: Whoa!

Hey, hey! Super Soaker!

You should wear goggles.

You should wear the goggles!

Oh, my God, I would, I really would!

Oh, my God, I so would.

D'you hear what he said? He said it to me!

Really, though, is it just me? Is that not remotely sexy at all?

I'm officially giving up.

As of this moment, the modern world just left me behind.

Henry! The world wasn't built by kids. It was us. We did this.

Oh, I miss the '90s.

I was happy then.

I once got a fax off Liz Hurley.

D'you know the worst thing about growing old? Your spunk.

How it goes sort of yellow, like it's all congealed.

I used to love it nice and white, but... now it's gone.

Mine's still white. And him, he's white.

Mine's completely white.

We've both got white.

It doesn't go yellow. Who the f*ck's is yellow?

You're kidding?

No, seriously. Completely white.

Is it just me?

What sort of yellow? Like felt tip?

Does it glow in the dark like those things they wave at concerts?

Is that what they wave at concerts?!

It's more like a nicotine colour. Oh, my God, is it just me?!

Yes, it's just you.

Oh, my God! Have I curdled?!

You mean, it's really yellow?

Your spunk is yellow?!

(laughter)

How are things with you two?

Good.

Same as ever.

How long's it been now? What, ten years?

Nine years in August.

What happened to that bloke at work? The Spanish one.

Gone. Moved away.

We never...

We just had lunch together, once a month.

Never even kissed.

You always did that. Never had affairs, just obsessions.

(chatter and whooping)

Man: Where are we going?

Woman: I don't know...

Did I ever tell you about that bloke from Carlisle?

Oh, he must've been... 35, 36.

Couldn't get his number, I didn't have a phone, I was 14.

All I knew was, he lived in Carlisle.

(inhales) So one day I went to Carlisle.

All on my own, bought a ticket, 12 quid. Got on the bus, three hours, got off.

Walked around Carlisle all day, sat on a bench in a park in the middle of the city, just in case I bumped into him.

Didn't.

Got on the bus, three hours back home.

My dad said, "How was school?" and I said, "Fine."

You forget, don't you? That age.

Like a furnace in your head.

You think it's gone?

Well... it fades.

Thank God.

I think it just waits.

Really?

Yeah.

That's why we get... partners and mortgages and... stomachs.

We're building a fortress.

But it's still there, beyond those walls, just waiting.

Well... maybe that's just you.

(he laughs)

So, settled down, have you?

Not the most exciting word in the world, but... yeah.

And the sex is good, is it?

It's fine.

Have you done it yet?

We're fine.

Come on, you! The rogues are leaving.

You cr*pple! That's fine!

You bunch of f*cking h*m*!

Oh, my God, Raymondo's wallpaper!

He's still got Tom Daley.

No-one fancies him any more now that he's come out.

All the fun's gone.

I was glad when the Vamps came along.

For the first time, I thought, there is such a thing as too young.

(laughter)

Have they got a gay?

Well, if one of them's gay, it'll be the ugly one, cos it always is.

Westlife, Union J, NSYNC.

It's like that gay brother thing. Chris Evans has got a gay brother, Ryan Kwanten's got a gay brother, Colin Farrell's got a gay brother, but we always miss, the gay one's always the ugly bugger.

Ryan Kwanten's gay.

Ooh, can you imagine?

David Beckham's gay. Harry Judd is gay.

Ryan Reynolds, he's gay.

You wish!

No. Just listen.

I haven't heard this for years.

Do Ryan Reynolds!

OK.

I know for a fact that Ryan Reynolds is gay, cos there is nothing Ryan Reynolds loves more... than cock.

LAUGHTER He's got his very own cock, and he loves it.

Think about it. Say... Ryan Reynolds is filming some movie, he's far away from home, he's in some hotel and he gets back to his room...

He's hot... he's fit...

... he's got a hard-on...

... and it's packed into the denim, he's trapped in his jeans.

Maybe there's a mirror.

He's looking in the mirror as he heaves it out, he's got his jeans around his knees and he's looking in the mirror and he loves it, he loves what he sees, cos he holds his cock and he wanks it, and he loves it.

His cock... is making him gay.

As he holds that cock and all he wants in life is that big... hard... thick... meat.

This... really happens.

With his... jeans and his...

... cock... and his mouth's hanging open.

So he's gay.

He is gay, in that second he is gay.

There is nothing more gay in the whole f*cking world.

And then...

... Ryan...

... Reynolds...

... comes.

(they pant slightly)

There we go, then.

Yeah.

You staying up?

Er, got some e-mails.

I've got that sponsorship stuff.

OK. See you later.

Tv: Researchers say...

Tv: OK...

He drank his hips off.

CHUCKLES I know!

Love you.

Mm.

Love you, too.

Especially Bono.

(chuckles)

Hello! How are you, boys?

The boys are fine, thanks, and you?

I just wanted to say, I hope you don't mind, Henry, but when you masturbate in that top room, we can see through the blind.

It creates a sort of silhouette.

I mean, I don't mind, but it's the kids.

OK.

Sorry.

If you had a thicker fabric... ?

Yeah.

Don't want to stop the fun!

Bob said you're regular as clockwork.

Right then. Thank you. Thanks.

(phone rings)

We've got to move. That's it.

(laughter)

I'm never going back.

'Lance?'

Are you laughing? Lance, are you laughing at me?

Oh, my God!

Don't f*cking laugh!

(laughs)

Oi! I'm humilia...

(lance laughs)

All right, then. All right, all right, I'll do it, OK?

We'll go on a date. I will, all right?

Really? Seriously?

On condition you let me book the holiday.

And I warn you, there will be beaches.

OK, that's a deal!

I tell you what, I'll grab some clothes and go to Elaine's. I'll get changed there.

Cos it's not a proper date if we start off in the same bathroom.

Wait a minute, this date's tonight?

I'm not giving you a chance to change your mind.

Tonight, you're mine.

(thwack)

(thwack)

(thwack)

I know, outsourcing is their mantra, but I think we've got a problem with the basic subrogation.

I'm not saying it's anyone's fault...

(crunch)

... We just inherited a system that's just been struggling for years.

(slap)

Somebody somewhere's got to say stop.

I mean, who does the claims representative answer to, hmm?

Is it my office? Is it you? Is it Cherry?

(he mouths)

Cos right now we've got settlements going out of the building... (he mouths) ... while, at the same time, Claims Management say it's not being utilised...

Erm, yep, I've... I've got to go.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, look, I... I've got to go.

Henry, can I ask you a favour... ?

Not now.

Oh, wow.

(squelch)

You can still piss?

Well, of course I can, don't be stupid.

What happens if you get a hard-on?

Well, it hurts.

How long does it stay on for?

Two weeks.

Cos you go to the club, and the man in charge puts it on you in front of everybody.

There's about 35 men all staring, and then he locks it. Do you see?

Then he keeps the key, and there's nothing you can do.

You've got two weeks till he sets you free.

And then... ?

Well, apparently, you explode.

What do you think? You into this? You going to be all... S&M?

Nah. It's just a laugh.

And like Freddie said, it's easy to just have sex.

Is Freddie that boy who works in the canteen?

Oh, I know. Oh, my God!

Way out of my league.

And he lives with me now. I lived with Karl, but he moved out, and Freddie got thrown out of India House, so he moved in.

Just when I've got a chastity belt. I'm lickin' the walls.

He looks really nice, though. Hashtag, get naked!

Yeah, no-one says hashtag out loud, not any more.

They do. My friends do.

Well, exactly. YOUR friends.

It's a bit BBC Three. See ya!

It'll only take two seconds.

Look, could you talk to Diane about it?

So I thought, if we extend the sponsorship deals and fix them for a guaranteed five years, then the internships can work both ways.

We can take your students on 6- and 12-week programmes, and, in return, our members of staff can have access to your resources right across the whole range.

So, this is how it works. You bring your class, or your group of students, into this central area, and we have this audio system so you can talk to the divers, and they can reply to you over the speakers.

It's the ultimate in live interaction. Do you want a go?

Oh... Er...

Yeah... fo I just... talk to them?

Yeah! They can hear you. That's Daniel, he's the new boy.

He's been learning all the facts and figures, so you can test him.

Right. Um... Hello, hi...

Yes, er... Yeah, I've always wondered, just how thick IS this glass?

I mean... I hope it's safe!

Hi, there.

OK, the window isn't glass, it's actually made of acrylic, which is 22 centimetres thick, and it needs to be cleaned every single day.

That's the newbie's job, and that's me.

Right. And I'm reading in the brochure about the lights...

Daniel.

They all look the same in their wet suits.

Daniel doesn't.

Careful, you. Big night tonight.

I know, but...

Who is he?

He moved here from London. After he split up with his wife.

Damn.

We don't know why they split up.

Every single creature gets a chance to sleep and a chance to wake, just as it would in the wild...

Lance: Hey.

Don't mind me, just wanted to say hello.

Lance Sullivan, Head of Corporate and Education.

Hi there. Oh, careful. Sorry...

It's Daniel, yeah?

They said you'd come from London.

Yeah, yeah, I was at Sea Life for about six years.

I was part of the White Shark Project right from the start, so this is like coming home.

What about you? Are you a Manchester man?

Not originally. Been here about 18 years.

My boyfriend is, though. He's native, born and bred.

Does he work here?

No! Insurance. Boring.

Don't say that. We all need insurance. Those men keep us safe.

Yeah! I suppose.

I'll... tell him you said that.

Anyway...

Mustn't keep you. I was just saying hello...

We should go for a drink.

Yeah.

With your boyfriend, too, not just you and me, that might freak him out.

Though, don't get me wrong, I mean to a normal bar, yeah, not YOUR sort of place.

Don't want you leading ME to the dark side.

CAMP VOICE: Well, not on the first night!

Yeah, so I'm still kind of exploring the city, really, I wouldn't know where's good for a drink...

We could show you.

OK. But not Canal Street, OK? We've all heard about Canal Street.

Well, it's not what it was, but...

Why?

What's wrong with it?

Be fair. They'd all buzz around me.

Like insects.

Yeah...

Well... anyway... work to be done.

What about Friday night?

Um...

Maybe. I... I'd have to check.

Well, don't raise my hopes, now.

I know men like you.

See you around.

And you.

(thwack)

There you go.

Thanks, Freddie.

(squelch)

We should sell.

I've got the figures right here, and the best thing we could do is sell.

But it could still make money. We could get new lodgers, I could pay it more attention. I've been ignoring it.

Adam! We don't have time for all that now. Could you come and give me a hand?

Adam. Adam!

'My son thinks he's famous.'

He's got fans. Actual fans, can you believe it?

But we're orphans, Cleo. It hasn't been the family home for decades, not for me and you. Look, could this wait?

Sorry, it's just that, er, MA course, the one on European futures. I'm doing the same course that you did.

Listen, I'll phone you tonight...

No, I'm going out.

On a date.

Oh, he finally got round to it!

What does that mean? How do YOU know about it? What did he say?

He just mentioned it, that's all.

What would he tell you for? Is this about money?

Cos we can't afford to move. Mum and Dad wiped out those savings.

What about it?

It's the essay on vocational packages...

Now, stop it. And don't tell him I said anything.

It's more than you deserve anyway. Look, I've got to go...

I was wondering if I could borrow it.

'... but you behave tonight.'

What does that mean? Is there an actual reason for this date?

Could you what?

Borrow it? The essay?

Just as comparison. Could I?

'I've got to go,' she's been sick all down herself. Haven't you?

Erm... yeah, OK.

Look, all down your nice clean top. Molly, would it k*ll you to help?

I sort of need it now.

Oh... 'Look, Cleo... if there's something I need to know, then you should tell me.'

Now, tell your Uncle Henry that tone doesn't work with me, does it?

'No, it doesn't. Lance is being nice, OK? So don't try to get clever.'

You're a very lucky man and I didn't say a word. I'm going. Have fun. Adam!

(phone pings)

Got it. Thank you.

You know that Sunil Merchandani?

He just stole from me.

Took me a month to write that essay.

Vocational packages. That subject is enormous.

Now he's gone and taken it.

What's to stop him handing my essay in as his own?

I spent two years studying for an MA, now he can just copy me.

You should ask for it back.

No, he's got it now, that's the point. He can't... un-have it any more.

Then tell him. It's theft.

I know. He might as well break into my house. And you know why?

He's a Band 5. He needs his MA to qualify for Band 6.

He's going to get promoted using my essay!

How are you going to prove it?

Well, I can't, can I? What would I do?

Is it actually a crime, plagiarism? Is it illegal?

We could find out.

Could ask my neighbour. She works at Salford University.

Do you want me to?

Um... I don't know. I suppose.

He stole from you, Henry. He's in possession of your property.

Do you want me to ask her? Shall I?

OK, yeah, ask her. Let's get the facts. All right, do it.

I'll ask her tonight.

Good. I'd love to find out. Cos he stole from me!

So... why did you give him the essay in the first place?

Because I'm nice.

(phone beeps)

Little bastard.

(phone chimes)

Hello, stranger.

Oh!

Dean. Hello! That's funny.

What you doin' here?

Just a... bit of business. What about you?

I live over there. Calico Warehouse.

Right, course, yeah.

With Freddie.

Fantastic.

So...

Didn't you say you had a... a problem with insurance?

I mean, we're not squatting, we pay rent. It's like 400 a month.

But we never got it down on paper, not really.

There's no contract. Do you think we need one?

There's a man called Roderick. He's not the actual landlord, I think he rents it, and then we pay his rent, if you see what I mean.

Nice, isn't it?

It's massive!

Cold, though.

But is it... I mean, is it... habitable, technically?

Is it an... an actual residence?

Cos 400 quid a month is nothing.

It's not if you haven't got it.

Roderick said they were converting this place into flats, then everything crashed in 2008, so it got abandoned.

That's why I wanted to ask you.

Roderick says we've only got electricity and water cos they can't insure it without it.

Is that true, is that bollocks? I dunno.

Look, my room's over there, and over here, we have... the pit.

Freddie's bed. The Fred Bed.

That's where it all happens, all those lucky boys and girls.

What, does he do both?

Well, I think so. He's kind of anything. Here's the kitchen.

I've got to be honest, I think insurance is the least of your problems.

This place is contravening health and safety on... just about every single level.

sh*t. I thought health and safety was just at work.

No, no, you'd be surprised.

The whole thing depends on this... Roderick.

I mean, is he a landlord or is he just... the man who takes your money?

Could we get in trouble with the law?

(industrial banging outside)

There's one little clause that acts in your favour cos if you are squatting, that is illegal, but it doesn't apply to commercial properties, so your existence here could depend on the definition of this building.

(divine music)

Distant: Hey. This is Henry from work.

The biggest problem is I can't use iTunes without a billing address, but they won't even recognise this place. Can I get it registered?

I don't know.

Could I talk to the council?

Dunno.

Dunno.

My friend Leesha works at the town hall.

She says we could get a housing grant if we converted the other room.

Come and have a look.

I mean, you couldn't live in here, but Leesha says it counts as a third bedroom, which means you can get money to fix it, officially.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's freezing.

I know. Freeze your balls off.

We had crazy dog-sex in here just to see if it could be done.

Right.

Who did?

Me and Freddie.

Oh, right.

I thought you said he was out of your league.

He is. It was only quick.

Yeah.

So... what do you think?

I think...

Dean, I don't know what to think.

Ohh, f*ck.

I think... I'm going home.

Yeah.

I'm going on a date.

♪ Dance through all our fears ♪
♪ w*r is over for a bit ♪
♪ The whole world should be moving ♪
♪ Do your part ♪
♪ Cure a lonely heart ♪
♪ Your disco, your disco... ♪

(phone rings)

♪ Your disco needs you... ♪

Henry, are you there?

It's Katrina.

Listen, I talked to my neighbour about that plagiarism thing, you know, with Sunil?

Turns out it might be a bit complicated. Could you call me back?

Soon as you can.

♪ Your disco needs you... ♪

(phone rings)

♪ Your disco, your disco... ♪

I'm sorry to disturb you, Henry, but I wondered if I could have a word.

Er, it's rather urgent.

This is Sunil here, Sunil Merchandani.

♪ ... dance through all our fears ♪
♪ w*r is over for a bit ♪

PHONE RINGS

* You're a sl*ve... *

Hello, Mr Best, my name's Yan Peng, I'm calling from the Student Life Team at Salford University.

I wonder if you could call me back.

It's concerning Sunil Merchandani.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... *

(phone rings)

Oh, Henry, where are ya?!

Turns out, my neighbour, she doesn't just work at Salford, she's on this thing called the Plagiarism Committee.

They actually have a committee!

(loud music continues)

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... *

Your colleague gave us Merchandani's name, so I've examined all his previous essays.

We've got dedicated software which can run comparisons with relevant texts and student essays submitted post-2008, and, I have to say, Merchandani lit the place up like a Christmas tree.

I don't think he's written an original word in his life.

♪ ... dance through all our fears ♪
♪ w*r is over for a bit ♪
♪ The whole world should be moving ♪
♪ Do your part... ♪

(phone rings)

I wasn't going to steal it! I just...

SHE SHOUTS IN HINDI

... got... got behind with the work, and... and the family, and... and then I had that bad time, with all that time off work, and I just... I just couldn't cope...

♪ Your disco, your disco ♪
♪ Your disco... ♪

She says it really is theft.

Plagiarism is an actual crime.

To be honest, she was terrifying.

♪ Your disco, your disco ♪
♪ Your disco needs you ♪
♪ Your disco, your disco... ♪

And I've already e-mailed your HR department.

I can tell you for a fact, the last time this happened, the perpetrator was sacked.

♪ Your disco, your disco... ♪

I went to the doctor, and my spunk isn't yellow, it's orange, which means blood, which means I'm dying!

Thank you very much for laughing!

Please, Henry, if you just... just tell them to stop, I'll never, never do it again! Please, oh, please help me!

♪ Your disco needs you! ♪

(car horn beeps)

(he exhales deeply)

(phone rings)

Oh...

(phone still ringing)

(answering system beeps)

(sunil sobs)

(beep)

'Cause Devindra's been there for 18 months and he never stays in a position for more than two years.

He's just using it as a launch pad to get onto the board, and that puts me next in line, which means, what, another £6,000 a year, and if the expansion goes ahead, maybe £10,000, so we could think about moving. We could take another look at Hale Barns and if you put it all together I thought... will you marry me?

No!

OK.

Where did that come from?

We've never even talked about it, it's not even on the radar, I don't actually know what you mean. Why on earth would we do that?

It doesn't have to be a big ceremony.

But why would we do it? I don't understand.

We're happy, aren't we? Why do you want to change?

Is something wrong? Is there something you're not telling me?

No!

Well, then!

It makes sense. Financially.

Oh, that... that's terrible!

That's no reason to get married.

Imagine if a straight couple said that!

So you think people should only get married out of love?

Yeah!

Then... will you marry me?

It's not that... it's sort of...

OK.

No, I'm saying...

I understand.

Oh, don't make a thing of it.

I'm not.

I asked a question, you said no. There we are, done.

Look...

It's... it's just not there.

In my head. It's... it's not an option.

Never was.

It's not my fault they went and invented it!

Cos I...

I knew when I was ten years old, I'm... never getting married.

It's...

It's... never, never...

... never been there.

And then you met me.

So?

It's just something I'd like, that's all.

I'd... I'd really like it. I'd... love it.

I would love it.

So... will you think about it?

No.

The thing is that... we're fine.

I mean, we're as... good as we ever were.

And it's great that we're having this... conversation.

We need to look at ourselves. I've... I've been saying I'll lose weight, and I really will, and... you could lose some too, and then we'll both be... sexy, and it'll be... fine.

That's exactly why this is not where we should be.

Oh, come on, let's go home.

I'm full up. Let's get a taxi.

It's a date.

A date means dancing.

Oh, no way!

Look at us! They won't even let us in!

Anyway, no-one goes clubbing now, it's all... online.

(pumping house music)

Henry.

Thank you!

You OK?

Yep.

Look at him.

Ugly fucker.

How much?

How much would you pay him?

For a f*ck.

Million quid.

He could f*ck me.

All night.

(pumping electro music)

He'd be good. Black hair, quiff.

The one who's laughing. I'd have him. I'd have all of them.

Five boys f*cking me.

Brilliant.

As long as we don't have to talk to them.

They're so dumb at that age.

We could have a threesome.

You, me and the quiffy-haired boy.

Yup. All three of us.

Would you?

What?

Threesome. Would you do it?

Oh, yeah!

It's just the knocking him unconscious and tying him up that worries me, cos that's the only way we'd ever get him.

But you'd do it if we could?

Yeah. I wish!

Everyone does it.

I know.

Steve does it. Cliff does it.

Sally does it! We should do it.

OK!

Good luck to us!

♪ Tell me how it is for you, baby ♪
♪ For you, baby ♪
♪ For you, baby ♪
♪ For you, baby ♪
♪ For you... ♪

Whoa!

(they laugh)

Whoa!

Hey! You're like a cowboy!

Cowboy man! (imitates g*nshots)

Yeah... Thanks.

Thing is, I came down from Halifax tonight, and this f*cking bitch, she just left me.

She was standing there, chatting all this bullshit, and then she was gone, and, honestly, I don't know one end of Manchester from the other, so... do you know anywhere I could stay?

There's lots of hotels, there's a million hotels.

No money.

Oh, that's a problem. Sorry.

You can stay at ours if you want a f*ck.

Yeah, that's cool.

Seriously. We could go back to our house. No hassle, just sex.

With the both of us. And then... you can stay the night.

Is that all right, Henry?

He's a bit... off his head.

I'm one of the kings! Whoo-hoo!

And my boyfriend. This is Henry.

Was that hot?

It was good, yeah.

Henry was just saying he wanted a threesome.

And here you are!

LAUGHING NERVOUSLY: Right, we've got drinks. What do you want?

We've got... beer, we've got wine, we've got... vodka, we've got whisky.

What do you think?

Anything.

'Scuse me. I'm polite.

Yeah. That's nice.

Thank you.

He's a polite young man.

Oi... it's a bit quiet in here.

Yeah... and it's late. Maybe we should just go to sleep.

No, no, no, no, no. I've got it...

Let's have Henry's favourite. Cos... he takes the piss out of this stuff, but... when he's on his own, he loves it, don't you, Henry?

Boney M!

He still loves Boney M!

I think they're funny, that's all.

No... you love this stuff for real.

Hey, I know Boney M.

That man was hot.

Exactly. He was hot.

Let's turn it up, then!

Yeah.

Music: Rasputin by Boney M Whoo-hoo!

Come here!

OK.

I'm sorry.

Lance.

I'm really sorry.

Hey.

Listen, erm... Francesco, I think you've walked into the middle of something.

That's my fault, I'm sorry, but we've got a spare bed, so...

Yeah, yeah, whatever, that's cool.

Yeah. Whatever. Good idea.

As soon as you've f*cked me, boy.

OK, you've made your point!

You don't want him... I'll have him.

Lance. Oh... Don't be stupid.

Lance!

I think we should stop.

Lance, I think we should stop now! Come on.

OK. We're going to stop this, right now.

He's gonna f*ck me.

Francesco's gonna f*ck my arse.

And do you know why, Francesco?

You know why I want it so f*cking hard?

Stop it.

Cos it's gonna be the first f*ck I've had in nine years.

Cos he doesn't do it.

Henry doesn't f*ck.

Just stop it!

He never fucks!

He doesn't f*ck, he doesn't get f*cked. He's a virgin.

My boyfriend's a f*cking virgin!

FRANCESCO CHORTLES That's the truth!

No f*cking whatsoever!

Oh-ho-ho... !

Nine years I've waited.

Nine years... of tossing off.

That's all we do.

We wank each other off, we suck each other off, and that's it!

Right. I'm going downstairs. Lance, you're coming with me.

Why not, Henry? Tell me.

I'm not going to fight!

All the p*rn you watch is f*cking. So why don't you do it?

OK, just come with me. Let's go downstairs, let's just calm down.

You're not doing this.

Lance, you're not doing it.

OK.

I'll marry you.

You're kidding me.

f*ck off!

Open this door!

Open this door!

Open this door! Open this... door!

(lance grunts)

(boney m continues)

(voices on police radio)

There is a... man in my house... and he will not leave.

You are f*cking joking.

You did not call the police.

Tell me you didn't do this.

OK, we've got a domestic here.

Let's sort this out without any fuss.

We've got pigs in the house.

That's not helping, thank you.

You're a pig and I'm a dog.

Just put some clothes on.

You called the police?

And dogs go like this.

(he howls)

I told you to put some clothes on.

Right, could you stop that now?

(he barks)

Look, I'm sorry, it's not his fault. We both invited him in.

I don't think that's breaking any laws!

I'm warning you, sir, please stop that, and put some clothes on immediately.

(he barks loudly)

OK, I warned you!

Now, are you gonna calm down?

Hey, hey, hey! Leave him alone.

Just stand back, thank you.

Look, there's no need to hurt him.

Argh!

All right, I've got you! Now don't be stupid. Tell me you won't resist.

Can you do that, sunshine? Can you?

(woman speaks hindi over phone)

(continues in hindi, siren blares)

I'm telling you now, cos you're only going to hurt yourself!

This is my house! Ow!

(siren blares)

Happy now?

Learn to swim.

Do you hear me? That's the one thing you can f*cking do for me!

Learn to swim!

Every holiday we have to go inland!

Oh, no, we can't go to the beach! We can't go to the sea! Because of him!

You should learn to swim!

You should learn to f*ck!

Learn to swim! Learn... to... swim!

Learn to swim! Learn to swim!

(knocking continues)

(knocking continues)

Now, first of all, you need to get a rent book.

So, to get a rent book, you need to establish Roderick's status.

And then you need to establish the status of this building, to find out whether it's a commercial property or whether it had its designation changed to residential, and if I do all of that for you... can I stay?

Music: "Frontier Psychiatrist" by "The Avalanches"

♪ That boy needs therapy ♪
♪ Psychosomatic ♪
♪ That boy needs therapy ♪
♪ Purely psychosomatic ♪
♪ That boy needs therapy ♪
♪ Lie down on the couch ♪
♪ What does that mean? ♪
♪ You're a nut ♪
♪ You're crazy in the coconut ♪
♪ What does that mean? ♪
♪ That boy needs therapy ♪
♪ I'm gonna k*ll you ♪
♪ That boy needs therapy ♪
♪ Ranagazoo, let's have a tune ♪
♪ Now when I count three ♪
♪ That, that, that, that boy, boy needs therapy ♪
♪ He was white as a sheet ♪
♪ And he also made false teeth... ♪