01x08 - It's All in the Executions

[bunniefuu]

Jester: ♪ hey, welcome back, my friends ♪
♪ Here's where our season ends ♪
♪ It's getting heavy now on "Galavant" ♪

Man: Enough!

[Music stops]

Tensions are high, and maybe take five?

Sorry. I was just catching people up.

All right, g*ng.

I realize now that I've been going about getting us out of here the wrong way.

I was thinking of big, strong hero moves, but, um...

Well, I think that was just ego stuff.

[Clears throat]

So I've come up with a plan that involves gaining King Richard's confidence using my wits.

We believe in you, Galavant. We trust you.

Right, everyone?

Mm...

No, he's got this.

Galavant's the complete package, and I for one am finally just throwing my arms in the air and giving in to it.

[Gasps] Are they gonna kiss?

Yeah, they are.

Thank you so much.

Hi.

[Sighs]

So, if you keep ignoring the Russian bathhouse-like steam surrounding you and Isabella, you could find yourself in the permanent friend zone.

So are you gonna, as they say...

"Kiss de girl," huh?

[Sighs]

[Groans] I don't know what's wrong with me, Sid.

This thing with her is just so big.

I feel like a kiss with Isabella could just go on forever.

What has happened to you?

[Metal clangs]

Gareth: 2:00. Time for lunch.

Enjoy yourselves.

You can have the fat one.

Wait a minute.

Gareth...

What?

I demand an audience with the king.

Oh, do you?

And what makes you think he'll grant you that?

'Cause I've got some very mean gossip about Madalena.

And you think the king's gonna drop everything just to hear some scuttlebutt about some girl?

She's got feet like a 90-year-old troll.

[Laughs] It's delicious!

No, it's disgusting.

She's got bunions, gnarled knuckles, warts.

No.

Oh, yeah.

That's why she wears her socks in bed. [Laughs]

I haven't laughed so hard in minutes.

Anyway, the point is, we've both been scorned by the same woman.

I just thought you'd like to know that.

Good night...

Unless you want to get a drink.

That's an interesting proposition.

Little guy time between frenemies burnt by the same flame, bros before hos, all that.

No, I don't think so.

The king needs to get his sleep.

Gareth, why do you always have to poop on the party?

Maybe because you've got to fight me to the death in the morning, or maybe that your brother has decided that I'm gonna be his champion, and for the first time ever, you've decided to fight one of your own battles, and your whole kingdom's at stake.

Does that ring any bells?

Aw, you worried about me, Gar-bear?

Don't call me that.

Well, I'm so sorry if I upset you the night before you'll probably k*ll me!

This sucks.

Gareth, do you remember the lullaby Pearl used to sing to us when we were boys?

Pearl was our nanny.

Old woman, sweet face, big, gigantic boobs.

Come on, man, you must remember.

♪ Lay by my side and we'll sail away ♪
♪ Off to the shores of another day ♪

Good night.

Well, fine!

I didn't want to sing the stupid song with you anyway!

[Door closes]

Let's have that drink.

Shall we?

You must have felt badly.

Madalena absolutely destroyed me.

Drink up, drink up.

I couldn't get out of bed.

I didn't play my lute for weeks.

What, you think you've got it bad?

Madalena and I never even...

Well, let's just say she never let me walk through her garden.

I don't follow.

I never pollinated her flower.

What?

Are we talking about the same Madalena?

Yes!

But you were married.

You didn't insist?

I'm not an animal.

I mean, sure, I'll kidnap a woman and force her to marry me, but after that, I'm all about a woman's rights.

I'm a modern, 13th-century man.

Good for you. Cheers to that.

Thank you very much.

You know, the truth be told, I've always sort of felt that that business should never happen until two people really love each other, you know?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I never loved anyone until I loved Madalena, and so that's why I'm...

I've never actually walked in anyone's garden.

But you're the king.

That's right.

I am the king, so watch your mouth, boy.

[Sighs] I'm sorry I barked at you.

See? This is why I don't have guy friends.

Hey, it's all right, it's all right.

You're under a lot of pressure.

I know.

Brother's trying to steal your kingdom.

He's trying to steal your lady, put you against your best friend.

Times are tough. Drink up.

Here, let's... let's play a game.

Hmm?

Let's just say there's this standing king.

Mm-hmm.

And his evil, treacherous brother comes into town, and we wanted to sort of "take care" of him.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know, like, say, tonight.

Mm-hmm.

Do you think anyone would care?

I don't follow.

k*ll your brother.

What?!

Have you gone absolutely mad?

What do you expect me to do, just sneak into Kingsley's bedchamber and slice his throat while he sleeps?

What, in this outfit?!

Yes.

[Gasps]

Everyone, I'm going to k*ll my brother!

Drinks are on me!

[All cheer]

Right. Fill her up.

There we go.

♪ Oh... ♪
♪ oh... ♪
♪ We're off on a secret mission ♪
♪ We've got us a secret plan ♪
♪ We're going to go and slay your bro ♪
♪ As quietly as we can ♪
♪ We'll sneak up and then surprise him ♪
♪ Before he has time to think ♪
♪ We're off and away ♪
♪ But first, another drink ♪
♪ Da-Da, Da-Da, Da, Da ♪
♪ We're off on a secret mission ♪
♪ A totally secret scheme ♪
♪ We'll slyly do in your next of kin ♪
♪ And quietly make him scream ♪
♪ We've got to be swift and stealthy ♪
♪ So none will raise a stink ♪
♪ We're off on our way, but first, another drink ♪
♪ Da-Da, Da-Da, Da, Da ♪
♪ A secret, secret, hush, hush, hush ♪
♪ Secret, secret ♪

[Insects chirping]

♪ Oh, we're off on a secret mission ♪
♪ It's some kind of secret plot ♪
♪ We're gonna go ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ And then... ♪
♪ exactly ♪
♪ Who are we? ♪
♪ I forgot ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, we're gonna go k*ll the... ♪
♪ Someone ♪
♪ my brother! ♪
♪ The rat ♪
♪ the fink! ♪

Shh! Lower your voice!

Hey, w-what are all these dudes doing in front of Madalena's room for?

Yeah, what is it? A party?

T-the queen's interviewing new consorts.

Madalena: Next!

Oh, God. She's the worst.

Hey, you know what?

The queen is really proud of her feet.

Mm. Yeah, yeah.

Ask her to take her socks off.

Ask to kiss her feet.

[Laughs] That's an order from your king.

♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Secret, secret ♪
♪ 30th verse, same as the first ♪

Whoa. There's some serious acoustics down here.

Hey, everybody!

Whoa. It looks like someone couldn't do anything if I went like this!

[Laughs]

Stop it! I'm ticklish!

[Sighs]

Hi, pretty Izzy.

Oh, you're so pretty.

But not just face, your brain.

It's like your beautiful brain exploded all over your face.

Are you drunk?

Mommy.

Hey, I'm so excited about Isabella getting older.

Way to keep it high and tight.

Oh, look, it's the little stickman in the red.

Hello.

He remembered you!

[Sighs] I should have just kissed you.

I should have kissed you ages ago.

Yeah, well, um, maybe we should talk about this tomorrow.

Okay, bye-bye.

Yes, and we will, and we're gonna kiss, and it's gonna be one of those forever sort of kisses.

Tell her, Sid. Didn't I say that earlier?

When I sat down over there, I said it, didn't I?

b*rned into my brain, sir.

You see?

Boop!

Okay, I've got to go k*ll a king.

I beg of you, sire, stop it!

Bye, everybody!

Thank you, thank you!

It was fun! You try it!

♪ Oh... ♪
♪ We're off on a secret mission ♪
♪ To finally k*ll my sib ♪
♪ And now that we're in his bedroom ♪

Hey, before we do this thing, I just want to say thanks for tonight.

I really needed to get out.

Just focus!

You want to k*ll him in the head, or do you want to k*ll him in the neck?

Right. Here we go.

Hey! Oh, and promise me you're not gonna say anything to anyone about that thing I said.

What thing? About me being a virgin.

Kingsley: I think we've heard enough.

Oh, no.

[Laughing] Oh!

My dear, little, dinky brother, untouched by w*r and women.

[Laughter]

I mean, what I meant was virgin slayer.

[Laughter]

You're [Bleep] throw lover boy in a dungeon.

[Laughter] So mean.

Oh, and you won't be needing this.

[Gasps] My crown!

He stole my crown.

Keep your chin up. Don't let them see you cry.

Never let them see you cry.

Gareth, I assume you like women.

If you fight for me, I will give you land, a title, and as many women as you desire.

What's your type?

Either really fat or really skinny, nothing in between.

I'll give you fat and skinny.

I'll get back to you.

Awesome.

[Door opens]

Richard: It was so rude!

Who does that to my favorite crown?

Did you know that? I got it for my birthday!

Galavant...

Izzy, you're so pretty.

Oh, well, at least he stopped talking.

Yeah, it's great. Yeah. About time.

I failed in my mission, Gareth, and now it's our last night before we have to duel to the death.

Come on, let's sing Pearl's song together, for old times' sake.

Shut up.

I've told you your whole life to grow a pair, and you just won't listen, and now you're gonna die for it.

Even though I'm the one who's gonna k*ll you, it's not my fault!

It's not my fault!

I warned you!

[Door slams]

[Lock clicks]

I know you did, my friend.

♪ Lay by my side and we'll sail away ♪
♪ Off to the shores of another day ♪
♪ All set to go once I hear you say ♪
♪ "Good night, my friend, until the morning" ♪
♪ Up we will float as we close our eyes ♪
♪ Stars all around us, like fireflies ♪
♪ Just me and you, drifting through the skies ♪
♪ Good night, my friend ♪
♪ Not a thought ♪
♪ Ah-ah ♪
♪ Not a care ♪
♪ Ah-ah ♪
♪ Resting safe and sound ♪
♪ With each other there ♪
♪ And so we'll rock on our nighttime ride ♪
♪ Cozy and warm on the rolling tide ♪
♪ Till we arrive on the morning side ♪
♪ At journey's end ♪
♪ Good night ♪
♪ Sleep tight ♪
♪ We're gonna be all right ♪
♪ Good night, my friend ♪

Good morning, sunshine.

Ow.

Hi.

How are you?

Oh, God. Ow.

Rough night?

I don't remember what happened.

You said her pretty brain exploded and went all over her face.

And you tried to kiss her.

You were a bit of a mess, sir.

A big, hot mess.

[Sighs]

Well, that's the least of our problems.

I think I might have ruined our only chance, and now I don't know what to do.

Good thing I do. Wake up, sire.

We've come to get you out of here.

Oh, God.

Well, I knew you cared.

Take him outside.

This place is horrible.

All right, everyone, take only the bare essentials.

We can always pick up odds and ends on the road.

None of you are coming, except you.

What? You're coming with me.

I'm not going anywhere, not without everyone in here.

You don't have a choice, son.

Listen, I remember what I said last night, and I meant every word.

I think you're the most wonderful...

[angelic singing]

I think I'm falling in love.

[Gasps]

Nice kiss. I hope he remembers it.

Come on, you.

Galavant, no!

Please, Gareth!

Princess, as long as Galavant's alive, we stand a chance of being rescued.

[Door slams]

What's this?

Where am I?

These pirates will take you and the king back to his kingdom, where he'll be safe.

What? No.

I'm not leaving her.

I'm going back.

I've left word with my men.

You step one foot in that castle and everyone you love gets the a*.

No more games, Galavant.

Listen, Gareth, I'm moved, but I've made my bed, and for once, I should lie in it.

You get in that boat.

No, Gareth.

I know you're doing this because you love me.

I don't love you. I don't even like you.

No one here likes you, so go.

Well, now you're just being mean to me so I'll go.

You're self-centered, self-absorbed, and you wear too much velvet.

Now you're just going into a lot of specific details, so I'll believe you.

You have a skinny left calf and a crooked...

Okay, okay, fine. I'll go.

But you're not fooling anyone.

Go on. And you.

Not one hair.

I give you my word.

And know this... I will return for them.

Justice will be done.

I'm excited for you, but let me give you a couple of instructions.

He can't sleep at night if he ain't got a second pillow to hug.

Dairy makes him gassy.

And if he gets cross, give him some salty snacks.

It's good for his electrolytes.

But if one hair on his head gets harmed, I will hunt you down, I will gut you, and I will use your skin as a lap blanket.

Do you understand?

We have a deal.

Man: All right, shove off, me hearties.

Pirates: Arrr!

♪ Good night, my friend ♪

[Bell ringing]

What in God's name is going on here?!

Galavant and King Richard have gone.

We don't know where they are.

Find them or I'll eat your firstborn for breakfast.

He's behind this. I know it.

Where have you been?

I'm sorry, milady, I must have slept in.

Oh, really?

Well, why don't you help yourself wake up by going down to the dungeon and k*lling everyone who's left?

Okay. It will be my pleasure.

Okay, here's the plan.

One of you is gonna knock me out and take my keys.

What? You're not going to k*ll us?

I keep my promises, and I promised your little lover boy that I'd take care of you.

So who's first?

Come on.

Next.

[Grunts]

Die!

Next.

[Grunting]

[Breathing heavily]

[Sighs]

Just take the keys and go.

Not you. You're coming with me.

Sid: Why?

I think I'll keep you for insurance.

Just go! I'll be fine. Just get everyone to safety.

I'll come back for you.

[Voice breaking] Please do! So scared!

Gareth, did you k*ll everyone who needed to be k*lled?

No, milady.

What kind of kingdom are you running here?

A henchman that doesn't k*ll, a queen who does nothing about it.

This place has gone soft...

Turns out he wasn't my type.

You just got a promotion.

Sit.

You're gonna have to either lose or gain a lot of weight.

[Seagulls crying]

We had nowhere else to go.

You really hurt my feelings, Izzy.

I don't think I want to be your future husband anymore.

I'm sorry.

But...

Just kidding!

Come on in!

Let's get to know each other, my future wife.

So happy you came.

I built a room just for you, my perfect, pretty princess.

You see, it's not so bad.

It's for you...

To live in forever.

Everyone say bye-bye to Izzy.

Oh, boy.

[Door clanking]

Jester: ♪ our season ends right there ♪
♪ With questions everywhere ♪
♪ Like will the princess waste her whole life waiting? ♪
♪ Will Gareth and the Queen ♪
♪ Rule the entire scene? ♪
♪ Will all this singing k*ll our Nielsen ratings? ♪
♪ Sid, the peasants, the entire crew ♪
♪ Will they be back for season two? ♪
♪ Who knows? ♪
♪ But if there are more shows ♪
♪ Then off our hero goes ♪
♪ And so the legend grows ♪
♪ The legend known as Galavant ♪

What, what?

Eh, it's you.

This will be fun.

Make the best of it, right?

It's like a buddy trip.

What are those... fables? [Muttering]

Buddy... buddy books, buddy fables?

This'll be a good time.