04x05 - Mugging for the Camera

[bunniefuu]

All right. Here you go.

A perfect omelet for my perfect girlfriend.

Just get all that...

Aw! You got all the shells out this time.

It's amazing. You know, Danny moves to Paris, and all of my food is still being eaten by people who aren't me.

(Laughs)

Hey, have either of you talked to him?

Danny? Me? Nope. No, I haven't seen him either, which that would be impossible because he's in Paris.

And God, what is with all the questions?

Okay, that's enough coffee for you.

Oh. And ironically, there's just not enough coffee for me. That's so weird.

Seriously, you guys need to start staying at Riley's place.

Okay. Hint taken. Don't worry. We'll hang out at Riley's house tonight.

Is that cool?

Yes. So cool.

Lights, camera, Emma!

My money problems are over.

I've created a new web series: Emma-personations.

Up first, it's Charlie chaplin. He's young, he's fresh...

He's been dead 50 years.

Yeah, well, I don't care what you people think.

If I did, I wouldn't have a back tattoo of Jon Bon Jovi riding a unicorn.

Never thought I'd have to say this, but, mom, please wash that mustache off my baby.

(Scoffs) Fine. But I don't see what you're so worried about.

I mean, it's not like it's... permanent.

Oh, you get that off my baby right now!

I will get it off!

It is washable. It's a sharpie.

I'm gonna go straighten up a few things my place.

I, uh... I left something on the couch.

Baby!

Well, she's washable too!

Maybe I'll wash this one off. That real? I don't know.

You've gotta get out.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ can take your life and change direction ♪

Riley: Danny, you can't keep sleeping on my couch.

What am I supposed to do? Tell everyone that I'm hiding at my best friend's house because my girlfriend dumped me?

That I cried on a plane, and had to be consoled by an eight-year-old boy?

Yes, that would be great, but maybe leave me hiding you out of it.

You don't wanna over-truth them.

It's too embarrassing.

I'm supposed to be in France.

I mean, I learned how to say buenos dias for nothing.

I can't keep this up any longer.

All right? I'm done hiding you.

(Knock on door)

Hey, it's Ben.

Hide!

Ben! Hi! Nothing's going on.

You know, just in case you were gonna ask.

You were in such a hurry to leave this morning, you forgot your laptop, so I just figured I'd drop it off on my way to work.

Get in good with the boyfriend-of-the-year people.

Aw, that is so sweet. Okay, bye.

Do you really think it a good idea to invite Ben over when I'm here?

Hey, babe, should I bring over a movie or something?

Yeah, pizza would be great. Love you.

You can't be here!

(Door thuds)

You say something?

Make sure you grab beer.

Great idea. I'll see you tonight.

Actually, tonight...

Tonight is gonna be a little tricky.

I have this deposition thingy.

But tomorrow... Tomorrow is gonna be trick-free.

Okay, but I bet you'll be guilty of missing me.

I'm not guilty of anything!

And I'm going now.

You have to go.

Ben: I know! I'm leaving!

(Spanish accent) Lucy, you have some "splainin'" to do!

Okay, Emma, you need to focus.

Okay. The one time I need a "wah," I get nothing.

I get nothing. Look, just do it one take my way, and then you can play with it.

Okay?

Well, it looks like my days at the Mary Hart show are numbered.

Mary wants to meet for lunch, which can only mean one of two things: She wants to fire me or sleep with me.

Trust me, it's fire you.

But if you want to save your job, how about putting this red-headed cutie on your show?

I know trying to pay your rent with a baby in a wig seems like a good idea, but maybe you should get a real job. (Laughs)

I have a real job. I'm just not doing real good at it.

Well, I'm not real surprised. (Laughs)

Oh...

I know.

Emma, how about we use our powers of persuasion on Mary?

Yours is your laugh and your smile, and mine is...

Well I think that's obvious.

Tucker, I want you to do something for me that may make you feel a little uncomfortable, but I want you to be open-minded.

Oh, wow. (Laughs) I thought I was gonna get fired.

Oh, fair warning, I have had a lot of garlic in my salad, so...

Fire you? I need you.

Yeah. Yeah, I got that. Let's do this.

Tucker, I want to have regular people on my show.

Regular people?

I'm tired of interviewing celebrities.

All they ever want talk about are their movies and vacations.

I get it, you're almost as rich as me.

(Laughs) You know what you need, Mary?

An average Joe with a juicy story, or I'll fire my producer, and that's you, Tucker.

I was gonna say a drink. (Laughs)

But thanks for the not-so-veiled thr*at.

Oh, um, so just so we're clear, you don't want to sleep with me?

I never said that.

Hey, Tuck, what's up?

Oh, you know, just watching my career blow up before my eyes.

Cool. So, do you know what's up with Riley?

She's definitely acting weird, right?

Ben, I could lose my job.

Maybe it's all in my head. What do you think?

I think you're a terrible listener.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's probably nothing.

Ben! I'm probably gonna get fired!

Well, what do you expect, bringing my mom to lunch with Mary?

What?

Help me, Mary Hart.

You're my only hope. Help me, Mary Hart.

You're my only...

No, no, no, no, no, no! Step away from the Mary.

What? Please. Mary and I are old buds. Right, mare-mare?

Why is it touching me?

Because it has no boundaries.

Well, you know what it does have? Feelings, and you hurt all of them.

And to think, I was gonna offer you a cinnamon bun.

You promise you'll be out by tomorrow?

Yes, absolutely.

Unless I can't, then I won't.

Are you sure it's smart to be cutting through the alley behind the bar?

Smarter than walking in the front of the bar. What if we ran into...

Ben! Ben! Ben! Hi! Oh my God! Hi!

What are you doing here?

Uh... working.

Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing?

Yes, but, uh, I wanted to surprise you.

Surprise! (Laughs)

Aw, that's so sweet. I've got a surprise for you too.

That probably would've been more romantic if I wasn't holding garbage.

Okay, well, surprise over. I gotta get back to work.

But I will see you tomorrow night.

Okay.

Gimme the bag!

(Screams)

Ben: Let go of her!

Stop!

Ben!

Ben: Call 911!

Phone, phone, phone! Oh!

Ooh, pepper spray!

Eat spray, dirtbag!

Oh, my eyes!

Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

Oh! Oh!

Ben: Oh!

Mugger: Ah!

Riley? Are you there?

Honey, I'm here! I'm here!

Did I get him?

Dude, I can't believe you knocked that guy out.

Riley's really lucky you were there.

Well, it's hard to say who knocked out who, but fists were flying and heads were locking.

People might say I put the "he" in "hero."

Nobody would say that.

Oh my God.

You're someone ordinary who did something extraordinary.

Dude, we gotta get you on the Mary Hart show immediately!

Millions-ish of people will want to hear your story.

Oh, yeah, know what? No.

I... no, I don't want to make millions of guys feel insecure because I'm so awesome.

What?

Have you seen this?

"Girl saves wimpy boyfriend."

Is this about Ben?

That story could be about anybody.

Nope. No, it says right here,

"Ben Wheeler, wimpy boyfriend, was saved by his girlfriend, Riley Perrin."

I was pepper-sprayed!

Okay, look, maybe you should spend less time making excuses, and more time helping me get Riley to do the show.

It was just a mugger in an alley. Nobody cares.

America cares! They love a tough chick story.

They also love cats who ride Roombas, but, you know, since I don't have a cat or a Roomba, I need the girl who knocked out the guy.

And apparently scared off a second guy.

What second guy? There wasn't a second guy.

Some witness saw a second guy fleeing the alley, and he was huge.

Riley didn't say anything about a second guy.

No, it says it right here. Right after the part about how the police found you rolled up in a ball, crying.

I gotta remember to cut this out for my Christmas letter.

Tucker: Oh yeah.

Did you see this? This article is calling me "The Perrinator."

Granted, that's really clever, but... Oh, God, I'm in too deep.

I just need enough time to think of a believable excuse as to why I'm back, like... France was closed.

They know about the second guy.

What second guy?

You, Danny.

You are the second guy. Please, you have to tell the truth.

Hey, did you see that article?

Oh my God! Ben!

Thank you so much for saving me!

You are just, oh, the best boyfriend in the world.

True.

We both know I didn't do the saving. Now everyone else does too.

I can't believe you knocked him out with one punch.

Well, it was my favorite purse.

Oh, but you have to know I did not talk to that reporter.

Okay, good, then make sure you don't do Tucker's show either.

I don't need the rest of the world knowing how you made me look like an idiot.

God, I would never do Tucker's show.

Wait, I'm sorry, I made you look like an idiot?

Uh, yeah, having your girlfriend be tougher than you is not exactly cool.

Oh, well, you know what else isn't cool?

Having a boyfriend that still hasn't asked, "hey, are you okay?" Or "did you get hurt?"

Well, if you weren't so busy shoving it in my face and shouting it from the rooftops, maybe I would've.

Oh, did your big, tough girlfriend embarrass you?

Uh, yeah, she kinda did. And I'm kind of waiting for her to apologize.

Oh, okay. Well, you know what? Maybe I'll do it this afternoon on Tucker's show.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, I dare, all right. You just watch me dare.

Oh, I am so out of here.

And in case it wasn't clear, our date is officially canceled.

(Knock on door)

What?

New phonebook's here.

Oh. And get a few sh*ts of the dumpster just in case we need some transitions.

I know Mary wants real people, but real people get real boring real fast.

Bonnie: Hoo!

Boy, is it hot out here.

I guess I'm just gonna have to fan myself with these Knicks tickets.

The season ended three weeks ago.

Oh! Tucker, come on!

Please, I'm begging you! I'm broke!

This would make Emma famous and me rich.

Of course I care more about the first thing than the second.

Wait, what did I say first?

Look, I know this is gonna be hard for you to hear, so I'm gonna say it delicately.

Hell to the no! Okay?

Wait, what is that?

Wait, is this a security camera?

Oh, yeah. I found out the hard way the bar had one of those.

The fry cook and I used to take all of his breaks back here...

Then I had to take a break with the night manager to get the tapes back.

(Laughs) That was a good week for me.

Wait, can you do that again?

Well, I'd love to, but Raul moved away and George was a terrible kisser.

No, I mean get me the security footage of the mugging.

You do that, and I will let you exploit your granddaughter on national TV.

You had me at "exploit."

Raul? Hey! How's Ohio, huh?

Get back here!

I am here to avenge my girlfriend.

You take her purse, I take your life.

This is what you do when I'm watching your kid?

Here, baby.

You know I could take him, right?

Oh, yeah.

But if he teams up with and beary and squirrely, you're a goner.

Mom, you know I tried to take out that mugger, right?

I do.

And you know how much it hurts to get pepper-sprayed, right?

I do.

And you know that Riley's being a terrible girlfriend by making me look like a coward on national TV, right?

I don't.

Thank you. Wait, what?

Ben, if you were the one who saved the day, do you think Riley would be upset because you got all the credit?

No, that's different.

Oh, okay, what's different?

Is it because she's the weak, timid girl, and you're the big, strong man?

Exactly.

Why don't you just tell that to your daughter?

Let her know that little girls can't grow up to be heroes.

And, while you're at it, un-invent someone called Wonder Woman.

Okay. I see what you're trying to do.

You want me to say it out loud, so I hear how stupid it sounds.

Well, I don't need to say it out loud to know it's stupid, so your whole trick backfired.

No.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go talk to Riley about nothing related to this conversation.

Here you go. Okay, apparently after I give someone a bottle.

No, you know what? I'd just prefer a glass of Chardonnay.

Do not stop smiling, do not raise your voice, do not reference historical events, and do not say the word "moist," okay?

But other than that, you know, just be yourself and have a great time.

Riley, hey, can we talk for, like, two seconds?

Oh, sorry, but I'm about to be really busy bad-mouthing you in front of millions of people.

Riley, I'm sorry.

I was wrong.

You need to tell people the truth, and I want to support you while you do.

Oh...

Well, apology accepted.

So I think we're just going to go.

Wait, no! No one is going anywhere! Okay?

Except live to sad, lonely housewives across America.

Can we get a chair for the wimpy boyfriend?

This is important to me. Can you not see how moist my forehead is?

Tucker!

Oh my God!

What did I tell you about that word?

You must be Riley and Ben.

I've never said this to anybody who wasn't a celebrity before, but... hello.

Okay, everyone, take your seats. Ready, Mary? All right.

And we are live in five, four, three...

Hello, America, I'm Mary Hart.

Today, on the Mary Hart show, you'll hear the story of two normal people.

That's right. These people are not famous or talented in any way.

Meet Riley Perrin and Ben Wheeler.

Why don't you two tell us your unusual tale?

Um... Well, you know, nothing really to tell.

Just, New York, muggers... (Mumbles)

Okay, let's try the boy one.

Actually, Mary, it's a pretty incredible story.

Um, this independent, tough woman saved my life, and that's the truth.

Right, Riley? Tell her.

I don't know... (Mumbles)

(Whispering)

Well, somebody better tell me something, or somebody else is going to get fired.

That's you, Tucker.

Here, here, I got the tape.

Oh my God! I would kiss you, but I don't want to make Mary jealous.

Well, in a surprising turn of events,

the Mary Hart show has obtained exclusive rights to the security footage of the actual mugging.

The security what... what?

Let's roll the tape.

Wait, wait! Wait!

You can't roll the tape.

I didn't save anybody.

Danny did it.

What are you talking about? Danny's in Paris.

Is he?

Or was he there for, like, six hours, and now he's back in New York and living with me?

The answer may surprise you.

You're living with my brother?

Finally, this story gets good.

Wait, Danny's been back this whole time?

So you've been lying to my face for days?

Just so we're all clear, you're feeling used, humiliated, betrayed?

Yeah. Yeah, that pretty much covers it.

Ben, wait, hey, I can explain.

It was lovely meeting you.

Real people, real emotions.

That's what the Mary Hart show is all about.

Now let's roll the tape.

(Dramatic music plays)

Bonnie: Run, Emmy, run!

Yeah. Yeah, I couldn't get the security tapes.

Turns out they have a new manager and he's gay.

Is he gay?

Or is he just not attracted to the devil?

Well, look who's back.

Oh, Ben! (Laughs)

Buenos dias!

Did Riley tell you I just got back? Man, am I jet-lagged.

So how was Paris, man? Did you see the Mona liar?

Or the lie-ffel tower?

I wish, but France was closed.

(Panting) He knows... everything.

I can't believe you were willing to lie to me and embarrass me on national TV, all to protect Danny.

Ben, I'm so sorry...

Hey, hey, hey. She wanted to tell you the truth the whole time, but I wouldn't let her. So if you're gonna be mad at anyone, it should be me.

Oh, don't worry, I'm plenty mad at you.

But right now, I'd like to focus my mad on her.

Why is my brother always in the middle of us?

He's not.

You want the truth? Here's the truth.

I got dumped. I put my whole heart and future into a girl and she leveled me with one voicemail.

Okay, yeah, that sucks, but do you think you're the first person to ever get dumped?

How does that give you the right to lie to me, or ask my girlfriend to lie for you?

I was just crushed and embarrassed, and I didn't want to face anybody.

Well, guess what, Danny? I'm not anybody.

I'm your brother, and we don't lie to each other.

I just always want you to be able to look up to me.

I will always look up to you...

Not just because I physically have to.

I don't judge you.

I love you, man.

Voicemail? Seriously?

Yeah, lame, right?

So lame.

So we all good?

Who wants to go get drunk? We should go get drunk.

I'm gonna go get drunk.

Ah! (Laughs)

Not... no, not so fast.

You lied to me, deceived me, went behind my back and humiliated me.

But I totally get why you did it.

Danny's lucky to have a friend like you.

Ben, I just...

Wow, I should probably stop talking and hug you.

Mm, a kiss might work better.

Jeez, get a room.

Go home.

So, if mom's rented out her place, and now she lives in my room, where do I live?

Hm. Maybe there's a beanstalk somewhere with your name on it.

(Laughter)

Don't worry, Danny.

You can have your room back.

I'll just take the couch.

You guys won't even notice I'm here.

All right. Oh, hey, could you toss me one of those beers? Those look good.

Hey, which one of these turns on the TV?

And what are you guys doing for dinner? I'm starving.

Okay, she's gotta go.

She's my mom.

No.

Oh, hey, anybody should go, it should be you.

I live here.

Oh, I got a deal!

I'm sorry?

You gotta carry me out!

Okay, let's go!

Let's see you do it!

Oh, man, it is good to be home.

All the way out the door! All the way out the door!