02x02 - Johnny Nightingale

[bunniefuu]

Hey, I was just running by and he just collapsed.

Okay.

Nothing. Brian, turn off the God...

Brian turn off the g*dd*mn ball machine, please.

Right!

I'm not losing this guy.

Brian!

I can't...

I can't find the switch, John...

Can you unplug the machine?

Damn it, that kid...

Ow!

The cord...

It's... it's too long.

It's too long of a cord Brian!

Clear.

[Power up whine]

[Thump]

There he is... Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.

Easy.

Hey, pulse, strong.

Good.

Pulse strong.

Hey, what's your name?

He's with... He's with us.

Thank God.

Tell me when you get him out of the line of fire.

Ah!

[Hip hop music]

Gin.

Voodoo, that is not gin.

You can't just say "gin."

Hey, excuse me. I'm looking for John Farrell.

What's your name, son?

I'm Josh Miller, he saved my life a couple of days ago and I just...

I wanted to thank him.

Hey, John.

You got one.

Oh, those Do-Rite Donuts?

These are Do-Rite Donuts.

Holy sh*t! Are there any candy-maple bacon in there?

I think there's four in here.

Ah! My man!

These are literally the best donuts in Chicago.

I'm so glad you lived!

[Laughter]

I didn't think you'd remember me.

Oh, I remember all my saves.

Tennis court. Cardiac arrest, right?

That's right.

Mm-hmm.

I wasn't sure what to get the person that saved my life so I just...

Oh, no. No. You nailed it.

Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah, thanks for stopping by.

It's the least I can do.

Mm-hmm.

Look, John, um...

Hmm?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You're... welcome.

Hey, maybe no more tennis for awhile, huh?

[Laughing]

♪ Candy-maple bacon Do-Rite Donuts ♪

I believe I was part of that save.

[All yelling]

Really? You're not gonna share?

There's thousands of calories in that box.

Yeah, my calories.

His calories.

That's what happens when you're the white knight.

Occasionally, when you save somebody, they get all emotional about it and feel like they need to shower you with gifts and attention.

It's called "white knight syndrome."

And today, it's John.

Awesome.

Happens all the time in our line of work.

To some of us more than others.

Yeah.

[Laughs] Yeah! Years ago, I saved a masseuse at Mario Tricoci.

He still gives me monthly foot rubs and the signature body scrub.

You know, it can go the other way, too.

They call that "the Florence Nightingale syndrome."

That's when the caregiver forms an unnatural bond with the person they save.

That's how I ended up with my second wife.

Don't ever marry a person you save, 'cause all you end up wanting to do is to k*ll them.

And then you realize that you already had your chance and you blew it.

Gin.

That's actually gin.

[Mellow electronic music]

♪ ♪

Do you feel nauseous? Any dizziness at all?

No, no. I'm okay, I think.

How does my face look?

Does my face look okay?

You have some bumps and bruises, but it looks superficial.

Super-superficial how?

What does that mean?

Oh, you know what? Here, take a look.

[Phone camera clicks]

Oh, no!

What's going on over there, Bri?

[Woman sobbing]

Nothing. We're-we are okay.

I put a Valencia filter on it. That was my bad.

Let me just show you the original.

Oh, my God, that's worse. I look...

I look disgusting.

I'll put it in black and white.

It's a classic way to look at...

Never show them their face.

I have prom in less than a week.

What am I gonna do?

You know the prom.

I mean, the pictures that they take, they don't work out well for anybody.

I mean, have you seen Jennifer garner's prom picture?

She looked hideous! Like an absolute cow.

I mean, you're better off with a few scratches on your face.

At least then you have an excuse.

I'm gonna go check on everybody and just see how everyone's doing.

I'll be right back.

[Hip hop music]

♪ ♪

Jennifer garner looked amazing in her prom picture.

I really hope she doesn't look it up.

I mean, all prom pictures are great.

They are literally the greatest pictures in the world.

Mine wasn't.

I can't believe I lied to her.

You just tried to make her feel better, Brian.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I need five, guys.

Man, my prom was so dope.

I wore this lime green tuxedo I got for 200 bucks.

That was my power suit, yo. I k*lled it in that thing.

I wore it for every job interview that summer, too.

Didn't get no jobs, but I can't blame the suit though.

I just can't.

I know I should, but I can't.

My prom was segregated.

My prom was integrated?

[Funk music]

Hey, Josh!

Johnny.

What's up, man?

I'm good, man.

Hey, so, uh, I picked something up for you when I was in Hong Kong, and I thought it'd be easier for me to just drop it off here than put it in the mail, so...

Thank you, Josh.

Wow. Did it come in this nice plastic?

No. I paid a lot extra for it.

[Laughter]

Hey, just try it on, see if I got the sizes right.

Okay, yeah. I will.

Wow, you were in China?

I go there all the time for business.

And when I'm there, they make custom clothes so cheap, I just load up.

Yo, I've always wanted to go to China. Mostly for the pandas.

I hear they got 1.35 billion pandas over there.

That's 1.35 billion people, Billy.

They got a panda for every person over there?

Oh, man, I'm gonna love China.

Holy sh*t, look at this.

Huh? Hey.

These shoulders aren't easy to size.

Perfect fit, bro.

Right?

Color's pretty epic on you, too.

What's happening?

All right, I'ma let you guys get to it, okay?

Okay, hey, thank you!

You're welcome.

[Laughing]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Uh, hey, so, all right, I'm in town for a few more weeks before I go back overseas.

Wanna hang out? Grab a beer?

Sounds great.

Awesome.

I'll give you a shout.

Hit me up.

All right, hey, guys, take care.

Okay. We'll see you later, buddy.

Yes.

[Chuckling]

Yo, that's a nice man, bro.

Right?

You give him your phone number?

Who, Josh?

Some other guy buying you custom-made shirts?

It's a shirt. It's no big deal.

I bought Hank a d*ck Butkus shirt once.

And you got the size wrong 'cause you don't know my shoulders.

Dude knows your shoulders.

I think what everybody's trying to say is be careful, Mousse.

White knight syndrome is great when you're being showered with gifts, but that sh*t can turn dark real quick, man.

Happens all the time.

One minute he's buying you shirts, and the next minute he's sitting in a chair in the corner of your bedroom watching you sleep.

Creepy.

Or devoted.

It's a fine line.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

So, we just gonna ignore the fact that you didn't answer my calls this weekend.

Really glad someone said something.

The tension in that silence was palpable.

I'm sorry, man.

I was super busy this weekend.

I uh, had to help Theresa's brother move.

And then Josh and I were hanging out.

We went to the game on Saturday night, then we stopped at Gibson's for some steaks after.

[Siren receding]

You got a table at Gibson's on the weekend?

Yeah, turns out, Josh knows someone in the kitchen.

He's kind of a foodie.

I used to think I hated foodies, but this dude's pretty cool.

[Phone ringing]

Oh, that's him.

Yo, Josh-WA.

No, now's a good time.

Hmm?

Yeah, he's here.

[Laughing]

What was that about?

What was what about?

With Josh. You looked at me and laughed.

What? That's crazy, bro.

[Gasps]

Are you jealous of Josh?

Oh, you mean "Josh-WA"?

Guys, I'm real...

You're jealous. That's actually kind of sweet.

I don't get jealous.

Good, 'cause I didn't get jealous when you started getting free wifi from that cable guy who fell off the roof.

Alan?- Yeah, yeah, Alan.

Alan was different. Alan was blowing me.

Now, unless Josh is blowing you, I totally get it.

He's not blowing me.

Do you?

He's not blowing me.

Okay, sure.

Hey, Sophie, what's the matter?

I thought they released you days ago.

Can we help you?

Hi, I'm Brian, the paramedic who brought Sophie to the hospital.

Is she okay?

Well, her prom date cancelled on her.

What? What a jerk!

He said it's because he couldn't afford it, but she thinks it's because of the bruises.

She wanted to see if the doctors could do anything to speed up the healing process.

Unfortunately, it's just gonna take time.

Hey, Sophie.

I looked up Jennifer garner's prom picture.

Yeah, you lied.

She looked amazing.

I did lie about that.

You deserve the truth.

That guy who cancelled on you, what's his name?

Jeremy Travers.

Well, Jeremy Travers is one dumb mother, you can guess the rest. Am I right, Sophie's dad?

Never trusted him.

Yeah.

Any guy would be lucky to go to the prom with you.

You don't have to say that.

I'm sure there's thousands of guys waiting to take his place.

Everybody who wants to go already has a date.

So...

What if I took you?

You'd do that for me?

With your parents' blessing, I would.

Well...[Stammers]

That's...

What a gentleman.

That's really nice of you, Brian.

Awesome!

Well, I just have one question for you.

Cummerbund or vest?

Your choice.

Oh! Okay, curveball.

All right, one more question.

Do you want to be surprised or do you want me to tell you what I'm going with right now?

Whatever.

Okay, surprise it is.

Cummerbund. It's cummerbund.

I'm sorry, I got too excited. I spilled the beans.

It's always gonna be cummerbund, isn't it?

All right, everybody, this weekend, dinner at my place if you're not working.

You're invited. I'll be making... shrimp scampi.

Excuse me?

Oh!

I love, love, love a good scampi.

I'm in.

Since when do you make dinner, Johnny?

Well, this'll be a first. Josh convinced me to try it.

Oh, Josh.

Josh...

Josh asked you to cook for him?

Yeah.

He's been hooking me up with all this stuff.

I told him I wanted to do something cool for him.

He was like, "make me dinner some night," and I was like, "all right."

What was I gonna do, say no?

Hell, yeah, you say no!

Yes!

I don't know, man.

You're in dangerous territory with this white knight thing.

Yeah, we just wanna make sure this guy isn't some weirdo, Johnny.

No, guys, ho... wha... wha... It's fine.

Josh is fine.

I saved his life, and we got close.

Now I'm making him dinner. Whatevs.

Whatevs?

And the recipe calls for 12, so all you assholes better be there.

Saturday night.

Oh, I wish I could, John, but I'll be attending the North Park prom on Saturday.

Seriously, buddy?

Uh...

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm out Saturday, too.

Actually, all Saturdays.

Wait, what do you do all Saturdays?

[Rescue radio chatter in background]

Nothing.

What's with all the questions, man?

[Jazz music]

♪ ♪

What's up, guys?

What the hell is happening?

Johnny's tripping.

He's holed up out there in the kitchen, and I'm sitting here without so much as a Pringle.

No snacks!

He's been in there all day.

Won't let anyone in.

You better get some appetizers out here soon, Mousse!

You don't wanna see my blood sugar on tilt.

I get wild when my blood sugar's low, I ain't playing.

You better bring some snacks out here right now, Johnny.

That was Billy that said that. It was just a joke though, man.

You can take your time.

Everybody gets two forks?

Two forks. No food.

Everything has to be perfect for Josh.

Uh-oh.

Yup.

Voila!

Crabmeat St. Francis.

And you cretins better enjoy it 'cause it took me forever to make.

I had to stir the roux for like an hour.

Ah, don't worry about it, bro.

I can't have any kangaroo.

Not after everything they done for me.

No, "roux."

Like, r-o-u-x.

Like, multiple kangaroos?

You know what? Don't talk tonight, Billy...

What are you doing?

What?

God damn, Voo, portion size! Save some for Josh.

That scoop is like the size of your head.

Oh! You did it anyway, after I asked you nicely not to.

I couldn't help it.

Wow, Johnny.

What?

You're being an assh*le tonight.

No, he's not being an assh*le.

Thank you, Cash.

No, no, no. It's worse than that.

The way you're acting right now?

That crazy look in your eyes?

I had that look with my second wife.

You've got Florence Nightingale syndrome, dude.

What?

Oh, brother, you are certifiable. You saved this dude, and now you're obsessed with him.

Why 'cause I want to show my new friend a good time?

Johnny, you are wearing his shirt.

Take it from somebody who's been there.

You got it... bad!

I don't get Nightingale'd, okay?

I'm the white knight. That's my thing, the white...

[Knock on door] Oh, my God, that's him.

He's here.

There he is!

Johnny!

For you.

What's this, man?

My buddy's a wine rep and he's always sending me free cases, so I figured I'd bring one to dinner.

You see that?

Josh brought a bunch of nice wine.

None of y'all brought sh*t.

Hey, guys.

Um, it smells interesting in here.

It's the kangaroo.

[Background chatter]

I don't think I can do this.

I look terrible. I...

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go in there and we're gonna have the best frickin' night of our lives, because this is the prom.

I can't, I...

The more fun you have, the worse stupid Jeremy's gonna feel about not going with you.

What do you say?

M'lady?

[Overlapping chatter]

Josh, this wine is literally the best wine.

Yeah.

Well...

I'll tell you the secret.

[Whispers] Grapes.

[All laughing]

I thought you were really gonna say a secret there.

So, um...

What do y'all think of the... scampi?

It is so good...

I love it.

Josh?

What'd you think of the scampi?

It's good.

It's really good.

Why'd you say it like that? [Laughs]

Like what?

It's good.

Be honest, bro. I can take it.

[Weak chuckle]

No, it was great.

Yes, it was great, yum!

You know?

I mean like, if I was gonna offer any constructive criticism...

Oh, you hated it.

I didn't hate it.

Johnny.

The shrimp is fine, Mousse.

Fine? Did Josh drive all the way from Andersonville for "fine"? I don't think so.

I can totally make some more... You know what?

I'm gonna make some more real quick, no big deal.

Dude, dude...

No, don't, don't...

Absolutely not. It's not a big deal.

And you know what? I actually have to get going.

I've got another thing.

Oh... I didn't know you had something else tonight.

Um, I'm sorry, I thought this was just a casual thing.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's to... it's totally casual.

Um, you know what? You sit tight and I'm gonna get you some cobbler to go, all right?

Hey, Soph.

I can't believe Jeremy had the to show up to the dance with Amanda. What a d*ck.

Yeah...

That's awesome that you still came, though.

And I think you look beautiful.

And your Uncle's not so bad either.

Oh, no, uh, he's not my Uncle.

He's the paramedic that saved me.

Whoa, that's... That's hot.

Major upgrade. [Giggles]

See, we were all feeling pretty sorry for you, in a bad way, but, paramedic... Major, major upgrade.

Let's go, guys.

[Pop music plays]

So what do you say we get out there and mix it up a little bit?

No, I'm honestly fine.

Fine?

There is no way, as your date, I'm going to allow your prom experience to be just "fine."

It has to be spectacular.

I mean, look, Sophie, do whatever you want do.

This is your night.

But I mean, it would be pretty great out there.

But no pressure.

But that... I mean, listen to that song.

That's a good song.

I came here thinking about that song.

I heard that song in my head when we walked through the door.

What do you say? Look at you.

Lookit, you wanna go. You wanna go, I wanna go. You're talking me into it.

I'm looking at your face, you want to go.

Let's go, come on.

Okay, okay, okay.

[Pop song continues]

[Students whooping]

Oh, we have got to organize this Tupperware draw.

This is insane.

There's no matches. How can they contain anything?

Just a second, Josh.

Hey, you need to chill out.

Is he being weird, 'cause...

You're freaking everyone out.

He's barely spoken to me...

Shh... all night.

Oh, oh! Ha ha ha!

Thank you, God!

Okay, Josh I got the...

Where's Josh?

[Laughs] Oh, he left.

What? He just left?

You freaked him out, man.

Why didn't you guys say anything?

Somebody told me not to say nothing.

We were trying to give him a head start.

What, did you think I was gonna chase after him?

Well, you did just pull your keys out of your pocket.

[Keys jingle]

I got Nightingale'd, didn't I?

Yeah, buddy.

Mm-hmm.

Real bad.

Hard.

[Scattered giggling]

All right, everybody, the votes are in.

It's time to announce the king and queen of the prom.

There was voting? I didn't know that.

Did you know that?

Yeah, I voted while you were dancing.

Well, why didn't you come and...

Probably best I didn't vote. Who'd you pick?

Um, Sarah and Jason.

Nice. Been rooting for them all night.

I like how their outfits match but not too much.

They... they get it.

And the winners are...

Sophie Parnell and Brian Czyk!

[Applause and whooping]

No way!

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

No way!

No way!

Get up here, you guys.

Wow!

It's an honor, it's an honor.

Wow, wow, this is unexpected.

Um... ooh, my God. My heart's b*ating so fast.

Uh, what can I say?

Um, first and foremost, as your king, I promise to always sh**t straight with ya.

I'm not gonna be like one of those a-hole kings like in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

I'm gonna be an honest king.

More like The Lion King king.

I guess, as my first order of business, I'm gonna deliver some hard truths.

Jeremy Travers, I don't know where you are, but that was a d*ck move not taking Sophie to the prom with you.

This could've been you up here, sir.

Uh, let's see, what else? I wanna thank my mom.

For just being there for me and being a supporter...

[Crowd chanting Sophie]

Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

Sophie! Sophie! Sophie!

[Cheers and applause]

Hit it, DJ!

Uh, I think everybody wants to hear from Sophie.

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Sophie, right!

All right, Sophie. Take it away, Soph.

You're... you're holding the microphone.

What? Oh, me... Is this the only one you have?

Yeah.

Okay, my bad.

Uh, thanks, everybody, and, uh, hit it DJ!

[Dance music starts]

[Cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

Come here.

Thank you so much for everything.

This is one of the greatest days of my life.

I can't believe I frickin'

Nightingale'd myself.

I'm so embarrassed.

What are you doing?

Well, I need to apologize to Josh.

I keep calling him, but he hasn't gotten back to me.

This is Josh's office?

Yeah, I'll be right back.

Oh, sh*t.

Now your valve, when we got in there, you know, was looking a little gnarly.

So we went ahead and we replaced it.

Hey, I've been trying to call you.

Hey. sh*t.

Uh...

Yeah, John, I've... I've been... I've been busy.

Yeah, no worries.

Who's this?

This is Dave.

He's... my cardiologist.

Oh, hey, Dave.

So, this is Johnny.

This is Johnny!

[Laughing] Yeah! Okay.

What the hell was that, Dave?

[Laughs] Hey...

It's time to go, John.

What the hell was that?

John, it's time to go. Come on.

Huh? This is insane. Did he tell you that I saved his life?

Hmm?

Yeah, he did.

This is so messed up.

John, John, John.

You know what? You know what?

Go back to Hong Kong, Josh, okay?

'Cause you just awoke this sleeping giant.

I'm the sleeping giant.

Okay, okay, okay.

And I'm never cooking for you again.

That was Japan, and your shrimp needed salt, John.

What?

Say that again about my scampi!

Say that again about my scampi.

Security! Security!

Security! Security!