04x06 - Over My Dead Bonnie

[bunniefuu]

(Elevator dings)

I'm up! I'm up! I'm up!

Not funny, boys!

It is from this side.

Think this is the first time I woke up in an elevator landing?

It's called the '90s!

Mom, I'm sorry. It's been fun.

We've had some good times.

Have we?

Listen, Mrs. Wheeler, you have got to move out.

Go. You're finished.

Finito! Buh-bye.

Trust me, I would be out of here in two seconds if I could just get rid of my subletter.

Wait, wait. Seriously? That's it?

We'll get rid of 'em. We're experts.

Yeah. Please notice the couch in front of the elevator.

Great. Just grab my stuff.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Go to grandma. There you go.

See how wonderful it is when we just work together as a family?

(Lock clicks)

And this is the part where I call the police and tell them I spotted two kids trying to steal my couch.

Yeah.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction ♪

Okay, so I have looked over this lease, and I know exactly what we need to do.

Find someone who can read a lease.

(Scoffs) Well, don't look at me.

That was the part of the real estate test where I just answered all "C's."

Hi.

Hey, babe. Perfect timing.

Can you look at this lease and find some sort of magic legal words that can end it?

First of all, I am way too busy at work to get involved.

And second, I hate to break it to you, but the law tends to favor the person holding the lease.

(Scoffs) God, you lawyers ruin everything with your rules, and your laws, and your penal codes.

I just really wanted to say "penal codes."

Wait, what if the guy didn't have the lease?

Like, what if someone loses it for him?

So what you're saying is we should lure him out of my apartment and then steal his lease?

Mom, that's...

Totally brilliant!

Hey, that was my idea.

Tucker, we're all on the same team.

Trying to move forward. My idea.

Oh my God, you're not gonna believe what happened.

I just got offered a role on general hospital.

(Gasps)

Oh my God, Danny! Really?

Yeah.

That's amazing! G.H. Is my all-time favorite show.

That's what real fans call it.

Wow. Professional hockey player and now a famous actor. Oh.

You're doing real good too, Benji.

Well, apparently I'm perfect for the role.

I play a professional hockey player named Danny Wheeler.

Wow. How many other guys did you b*at out?

Hey, do you think you could help me with my line?

It's "Hi, I'm Danny Wheeler."

Look, I already memorized it!

I'm a natural!

Maybe, but you know, just in case, I should probably still go to the set with you... moral support, dialogue coaching, light entouraging.

Thanks. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Oh, that's so sweet. All right, I'd better get back to work.

Wait, wait, wait. So this will be one of those priorities you were just talking about?

Oh, let's see. Fulfilling a lifelong fantasy of meeting the cast of my favorite show.

Participating in a borderline illegal eviction.

Oh yeah, I think I got that in the right order.

I was actually talking about the Ben, your boyfriend, versus Danny, your whatever.

Oh. Well, if you don't want me to go, just say so.

Really?

No, because it's not 1950, and I'm not a housewife who needs your permission.

♪ I'm going to port Charles ♪

And action, Kelly.

Oh, Zane!

I am so sorry.

I really thought I knew how to pack a parachute.

(Sobbing)

And cut. Perfect.

You're a genius. Okay, let's get ready to sh**t this.

Hi. I'm Kelly.

You must be...

I'm Riley. Riley Perrin.

I... I can't believe I am meeting you. You are just...

Oh, you're so adorable.

(Both laugh)

I know.

Hi, I'm, uh...

I'm...

Danny Wheeler.

Danny Wheeler. I'll do it better when I'm on camera.

Mmm. Promise?

(Angrily) Can we hire a professional actor just once?

Oh my God, soap opera digest was right.

She is so much nicer in person.

(Knocks on door)

Okay, mom, I think your tenant is here.

You're here! Joshua is here.

I repeat, Josh is here!

Yes, he is!

He's in. I can't believe it was so easy to get him into our place.

Yeah, well, it doesn't hurt that Joshua's gay and Ben's a looker.

You told him your son's gay?

Of course not.

I heavily implied it.

Ben: Hey, man, just make yourself comfortable.

Joshua and I are just having a beer, so it shouldn't take too long.

I have a kid. I read that it's important to talk to them... it... her. I have a kid.

Really? How did that happen?

Oh, you know, crazy party, too much liquor.

Girl who wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

I tried that once. Not really a fan.

But I do love kids.

Really? 'Cause most dudes don't wanna hang out with a guy who has a kid.

I'm not most dudes.

Beer?

My kind of guy!

Okay, just remember: You got this. Why?

Because I'm Danny Wheeler.

Yeah, you are!

And what's your line?

"I'm Danny Wheeler."

Yeah, it is.

Hey, we're thrilled to have you here, David.

It's Danny.

Yeah, okay, whatever. Let's talk about the scene.

So Samantha, played by Kelly, is dating Zane, who's in a coma.

She thinks maybe there's a way to get him out of it by introducing him to his favorite hockey player.

So you, the big guy, you come in through this door, you say your line, you shake her hand, and you hold for camera.

Hold her hand or hold the camera?

Really?

If Wheeler doesn't get this in three takes, we're using my stand-in.

All right, let's go. Let's go from the top, please.

All right. David, you go outside the door, it's Danny.

Nobody cares. Here we go.

And... action.

Oh, Zane.

Please wake up.

I don't think I can live without you.

Please!

(Door rattles)

I'm sorry.

I'm Samantha.

Hi. I'm Danny Wheeler.

Director: And cut! Genius! Let's move on, g*ng!

Oh, Danny Wheeler. You surprised me.

(Giggles) Oh, thank you.

We... we worked on it a bunch.

I'm kind of his coach.

I'm kind of not sure why you're talking to me.

You know, I could use a new love interest.

Well, what about Zane?

You mean Pete?

I'll just have the writers k*ll him off.

If this works out, you can dump your coach and we can rehearse at my place.

Pete, you need to get your things out of my place.

Tucker: I can't find the lease anywhere.

Ben: Hello?

Ben, it's me, but call me Vivian and ask me what I want.

Hello, Vivian. What do you want?

(Whispers) It's Vivian.

I need you to find out where he keeps his lease.

We've searched everywhere.

Oh, also, ask him what those pills in the blue bottle were.

I feel a little weird.

God, I hate Vivian!

She's... my cleaning lady.

Yeah, she likes to go through everything, I gotta start hiding my important documents.

Hey, where do you hide yours?

I'm so bad about that.

They're all just shoved in a drawer somewhere.

Really? A drawer?

Did you hear that? A drawer.

"Drawer" is Emma's word of the day.

You seem kind of preoccupied.

Maybe I should head home.

Home? Now? No, no, aren't you comfortable here?

Well, I could get more comfortable.

Yes, yes, please, get as comfortable as you like.

Mi casa es su cas...

Riley! What's up?

This is our new neighbor, Joshua.

Uh, he didn't know any guys in the city.

Well, he certainly does now.

That was close.

We got so caught up in your love story, we almost ran right into your boyfriend.

It's bad enough I'm stuck living here, but now I have to compete with my own son for men.

Look! I've got tomorrow's script and schedule, and I've got real lines!

Oh.

It's a funeral scene for Samantha's boyfriend.

Oh, that's sad.

Then we start making out over the casket.

Oh, that's hot.

You guys are gonna come, right?

Riley, will you help me rehearse again?

Oh yeah, sure.

Wait, hold on. The kiss? You're gonna rehearse the kiss?

Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.

Kissing guys is kinda your department. You should do it.

(Laughter)

That's hilarious.

Oh man, that's so funny.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go put my child to bed.

You know, the one I made with a woman.

Both: Oh.

Okay, you ready?

(Clears throat, sighs)

"I thought my heart would be broken forever, but now that you're here, I'm healed. You're a heart healer, Danny Wheeler."

"It's because I... I love you, Samantha."

"I love you too, Danny."

And we'll just skip the passionate kiss.

Yeah, totally... totally... totally skipping.

Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

What if we put him in a drug-induced coma and when he wakes up, we'll tell him it's 10 years later and that he lost his apartment?

(Bonnie scoffs)

I already did that once. (Clears throat)

Okay, I know. We can get him drunk and then switch the numbers on the apartment door.

He'll wander around for hours.

Wait, that was you, wasn't it?

Ben, I told you that was your mom!

Mmm! Mmm!

Ben!

What?

Sorry, I was just busy watching my girlfriend spend quality time with my brother once again.

Ben, Riley loves you!

You can't freak out every time she almost kisses him.

Okay, that was a bad example.

She said she didn't have any time to help me, but the second Danny needed something, she's all ears.

I'm going to say something. Should I say something? I'll say something.

(Mockingly) Can I say something?

No.

Hey, Riley? I need to say something.

Oh! Is it about the lease?

I meant to tell you. I looked it over and the only cause for termination is if the original tenant dies.

So, just to be clear, we get to k*ll Mrs. Wheeler?

Oh my God, the power of prayer really works.

(Knocking on door)

Hello?

Hi.

I'm the landlord here, so if I look familiar to you, that's why. No other reason. Stop thinking about it.

(Chuckles) Are you Bonnie Wheeler's subletter?

Yeah. What's this about?

Oh. Bonnie's dead.

Oh my God.

That's terrible.

Oh no, poor Ben! He must be a wreck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's heartbroken.

Anyway, your lease is null and void, so you have to move out.

Well, I'm not quite sure it works like that.

When's the funeral?

I don't know. Tomorrow?

And yeah, yeah, it does work like that.

I'm the landlord. I should know.

I... I mean I do know.

All right. I get it.

If there's nothing I can do, I guess I'll pack up after I get back from the funeral.

Okay, cool.

Wait, wait, hold up!

Guess we are gonna have to k*ll her.

Thanks, big guy.

Hey! There's my little TV star.

And you, would you like to be in this scene?

Oh my God! Are you sure?

I mean, I'm not really an actress.

Then get the hell off my set.

Hello, tall, dark, and dimply!

All right, let's go, guys. Let's go from the top of the scene.

You two ready?

I have never been so ready.

Director: Good. All right.

Action!

What are you doing here, Danny?

Oh, just getting ready for my scene.

Director: Okay, cut, please.

Umm, Danny, this is the scene.

Right, sorry. I just get confused,

'cause my character's Danny, I'm Danny.

It's okay, you're doing great. It happens all the time.

Yeah, okay. This never happens.

All right, from the top, you two!

Action.

What are you doing here, Danny?

I heard Zane d*ed...

In your arms.

(Mockingly) Are you okay?

What's with the hands?

Oh, it's called "acting."

You're doing a really great job.

See, now that's called "acting."

Pete. You can move your things back into my place.

Oh God. All right.

Let's take lunch, everybody.

And you, take whatever you took yesterday that made you not so terrible, okay?

Okay, it looks like they're on a break.

Which means look alive, it's time to die.

Get in the box, mom.

Yeah.

Ooh, honey, remind me to get a picture of this for your father.

Christmas is coming up. He'll love it.

Okay, okay, 20 bucks for each of you when this is done, but I'm gonna need to see some real tears.

Wait. Now is this a good time to mention that I'm claustrophobic?

(Sneezes) And allergic to chrysanthemums?

Oh, and I really should've gone to the bathroom. Oh God, oh God.

No, it is not a good time.

Oh! Here he comes.

Oh! Okay, and we're paying our respects, and we're sad.

We're sad.

Hey, Joshua. How's it going?

Personally, I'm devastated.

Ben, I'm so sorry. I...

This is a strange place for a funeral.

Yeah, well, my mom was a makeup artist here, and she just wanted to be with the people she loved the most.

Where's the cast?

Mrs. Wheeler only did the extras' makeup, which is why none of these people are very attractive.

Well, we should probably get started. Come on, take your seat.

Sure.

Yes, thank you.

Hey, let me get your eye drops.

I might need some tears to help sell this.

All right.

Thanks, man. (Exhales sharply)

Okay. Welcome.

(Sneezes)

(Mimics sneeze) Excuse me.

We are gathered here today to remember a life...

A woman who loved...

Well... herself, for one thing.

So in conclusion...

(Crying) I just wanna say...

I'm sorry, guys, it's just...

There's just so many emotions, man.

Ow! My eye!

These are breath drops!

(Sneezing)

(Mimicking sneezing)

So rest in peace...

Oh! Oh!

Oh my God.

Oh my God, is he okay?

Hold me.

Tucker: I'm bleeding.

I can't see. Okay, as we say goodbye to Mrs. Wheeler...

(Sneezes)

(Sneezing)

(Mimicking sneezing)

Goodbye. We are almost to the end.

(Chuckles) And that's it! We made it!

Thank you all for coming out!

Hey, hey, didn't anybody get the rewrite?

We're 86-ing the coffin.

Come on, guys, we're sh**ting in five minutes.

Let's go, let's go. Lose that.

(People gasping)

Oh my God!

Praise mercy!

She's alive, y'all!

Whoo! Oh.

Man, that is definitely the last time I agree to test sleeping pills.

Ben: Hello, mom.

What the hell is going on?

Why did you do all this?

Okay, here's the truth: My mom has been living with us because she sublet her apartment to you.

It's been a little difficult, because she's kind of a nightmare.

You did all this to get me to move out?

Why didn't you just ask me?

Oh yeah.

Guess I kinda skipped that step.

Hey, could I get my apartment back?

Honestly, I really wanna say no, but I would really like to keep dating your son so... I guess... sure.

Yeah, about that.

I'm gay like she's dead.

Well, I'm gone like your apartment is.

Good luck finding a place to live.

(Bonnie scoffs)

Tucker: What?

Seriously?

You couldn't pretend to be gay for 20 minutes?

Your father pretended to be straight for 20 years!

Okay, Danny, just try to forget how badly you screwed up and that everybody's upset with you.

Just... just do it exactly like we did on the fire escape, okay?

You got this. Good luck.

Hi.

Hi. Oh!

I was afraid you were gonna miss his scene. Where have you been?

Oh, I was just playing hide-and-seek with one of the security guards.

Hey, let me know if you see him, 'cause I'm it.

Look, I'm so sorry I got so bent out of shape about you spending so much time with Danny.

It's okay. Just... (Inhales sharply)

I hope all my coaching helped.

Good, so let's go from the top of the second scene.

Okay? Here we go, you two.

And action!

I thought my heart would be broken forever.

But now that you're here, I'm healed.

You are a heart healer, Danny Wheeler.

I never thought that a guy like me would meet a girl like you, much less fall in love...

(Mouths)

...So fast, so hard, so fully.

I hope it's not too soon to say this, but...

I love you, Riley.

Oh, I... really...

I love you really, Riley.

No, I love you really, Kelly... no, Samantha! Cut!

(Shrieks)

Nice coaching.

Hey.

Can I buy you a beer?

You wanna talk about what just happened?

You mean how the director had a nervous breakdown?

I'm talking about you and Danny.

(Clears throat)

Something I seem to do a lot of lately.

We rehearsed that scene a million times.

He got confused. It could happen to anybody.

Could it?

I just can't help feeling that you two have something more, and I don't even think that you realize it.

Ben, he's my...

Your best friend. Yeah, I know.

You say that more often than you say "boyfriend."

Well, it's true, he is!

Oh, come on, Riley!

You have to see it!

That moment on the roof?

The love note? You hiding him and lying to me?

I can't do this.

I can't be in a relationship where I'm constantly questioning everything.

I always feel like I'm in second place.

Wait.

Are you breaking up with me?

Because that's not fair. I didn't do anything wrong.

Can you look me in the eyes right now and tell me that you don't have feelings for Danny?

But I spent my whole life being in love with you.

I never even had a minute to think about how I feel about Danny.

(Voice breaking) Well, maybe it's time you did.

And maybe we take a time out while you do.

Ben.

I'm sorry, Riley.

I just...

I don't know what else to do.

I love you, but...

Something just doesn't feel right.

(Crying)

What do you want?

Hello, roomie.

You're not coming in here.

Absolutely nothing in that lease says that I won't be living here with you.

Joshua: This isn't gonna get rid of me.

Bonnie: Well, take a look at these.

Joshua: I've seen those.

Bonnie: How about one of these?

Joshua: Oh my God.

I'm out of here.

Same way I got rid of my ex-husband! Buh-bye!