01x03 - Series 1, Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

We had a threesome. Henry called the police.

I got arrested. Now he's walked out.

Ya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

This face is mine.

It's copyright to me.

It's not to be used for masturbation without my express permission, and that permission you do not have.

They're suspending you, with immediate effect, without pay.

But she's lying.

Does this mean you're a virgin?

I'm not talking about it!

I'm not talking about it! I'm really not talking about it, OK?

(It's never gonna happen.)

Watch me try!

Oh...

Uh...

Ah... Oh...

Oh...

Ooh... Ah...

Oh... Ah...

(sighs and moans continue)

When does it stop?

Is it ever going to stop?

(bang, clinking)

(bang, clinking)

(bang)

Ah.

(breathing hard)

(three bangs)

(three bangs)

(repeated bangs)

(repeated bangs)

I'm ready. Show me the shag palace.

Morning.

Did you get everything?

There's more in the car, but he kept the PC.

He said that's not yours, that's the house computer.

There's no such thing. What's a house computer?

I paid for it.

Tell him, not me.

Oh, and I brought all the DVDs.

I started dividing them up, and Lance said just take them so I packed the whole lot.

(SHE LAUGHS) Oh, my God!

Oh, your rent's insane.

It must be some sort of scam.

I could get a thousand quid for this per week.

Oh, this is Dean, and, um... that's Freddie.

Oh, hello, Freddie.

Dean.

Hiya.

Cleo, my sister.

Not Chloe. Everyone says Chloe, but it's Cleo.

This is Adam, my nephew. Hands off, ha-ha.

And, er... that's Molly. She's my niece, and that's little baby Lou.

She's Cleo's, not Molly's.

Molly's only 12. Huh.

Although, you know, these days...

Jacob: Hey.

Can I have a shower?

Sure.

Use my towel. It's on the rail.

That's Jacob.

Met him last night.

f*cked him stupid.

Well, three years ago, they built me a new vag*na, so nothing's gonna shock me.

Now put the kettle on, Freddie. Er... I'll have a coffee, black.

Adam's a coke, full fat, and Molly drinks water, no ice.

Chop chop!

She's got a brother called Sonny.

I'm trying to adopt him as well, but he still lives with the mother.

It's all a bit complicated. But we'll see. We'll get there.

Cos Cleo's adopted.

She's the eldest. She came first.

It's funny, cos our parents couldn't conceive, so they adopted Cleo.

Then, as soon as she arrived, Mum got pregnant with me.

It's weird. Happens a lot, apparently.

What Henry means is, I was special but he was just an accident.

What Cleo means is, I was natural but she was bought in a shop.

You're lucky.

You should see my family. They're a nightmare.

They chucked me out in the street.

Fair do's. I'd chuck you out.

(he chuckles)

Cleo was the first person I told.

Oh, I knew before he did.

When he was about 12 or 13, if there was a man on telly who took his shirt off, and believe me, men didn't take their shirts off back then, Henry would go so quiet.

And I mean, silent.

Like he was terrified.

Who was that man? Kevin Banks?

Kevin Banks on Crossroads.

I wonder what happened to him.

Did I look scared?

Yeah.

(door clicks, baby burbles)

Sorry. Excuse me, but... are you Adam Whitaker?

Ah!

You got me.

Here you go.

Sorry. I made a pledge.

Everyone who recognises me gets a badge.

"I've Met Adam Whitaker."

I've gotta be honest.

It's for the girls, really, but rules are rules.

I'll give it to my mate Griff.

He has a regular thing with you, every Sunday morning.

What do you mean? What sort of thing?

He wanks over him.

Not me personally.

My vlog. I'm a vlogger.

Big shout out to Danielle. She said, what if you cover Beanie in goose grease?

We get money from ads, and then we've got merchandise.

We've got wristbands, T-shirts, and we're getting mugs next week, mugs with my face on, mugs of my mug.

So, we make about 500 quid a month.

No way.

500 quid?

Well, we've got over 100,000 subscribers, two thirds of them in Germany.

Why Germany?

It's a real thing out there with middle-aged men.

Eine kleine Britische boy.

That's why we take our shirts off.

It monetises.

So, there's like 60,000 Germans tossing off over you?

Ich bin ein wankfest.

I get naked and they send me money.

Isn't that a bit like prostitution?

Yeah.

How much do you earn?

So, there we go.

That's them.

The kids.

Great flat, though. It gets freezing at night.

Oh. OK.

Are we done?

For Christ's sake, go home.

Oh, don't you start.

Go home, go home, go home, you stupid little man.

Molly fancies him, for God's sake! Molly.

Oh, I need that thousand quid for the underpinning. Can I have it?

Sure, yeah.

I mean, can I have it now?

OK, I'll transfer it.

Well, can you do it now, though? I mean, really now.

I... I've just got some bills.

(he snorts)

If you'd brought my PC, I'd be twice as fast.

House computer!

I'm having that back. The liar.

Does he know?

Freddie.

Does he know you're still a virgin?

No, because I'm not.

I've had stacks of sex, stacks of it.

I was shagging all the way through the '90s, thank you very much. Just because I don't do... penetration, that doesn't mean it's not sex.

Oh, I've had plenty of nights like that.

No penetration, just a quick little fiddle when he's fast asleep, and let me tell you, on nights like that, I'm very clear about one thing.

I have not had sex.

Where's my money gone?

Why did you ask for that thousand quid right now?

It's mine.

You knew.

He told you. He's emptied the joint accounts, and you bloody knew!

That bastard.

That cheeky bastard!

(phone rings)

TV: ... observatory in Greenwich.

TV: What star sign are you?

'Sorry, I'm busy. Leave a message. Thanks.'

Yeah, well, I'm pissing myself with laughter, you little f*cking bastard!

Now put that money back!

'Hi. I'm not available. Leave a message.'

You might have noticed, all our savings have been transferred to a brand-new account under the name Lance E Sullivan, and, yes, that's 100% legal, whether you like it or not.

Can I remind you, when your father d*ed, leaving all those stupid debts, who helped you?

But since you're newly unemployed, I will transfer the sum of £100, once a week, into your account, out of the goodness of my heart.

Yeah, your sister couldn't get away quick enough!

I gave you £8,000, remember?!

And I can do this on the house computer, even though I had to take the hard drive and get it disinfected.

I'll get your father declared insane, posthumously, so I can claim every penny back from you!

Come on, we're going! Hup!

Who paid for the f*cking phone? I did!

Freddie.

(henry shouting)

Do me a favour.

Send him home.

I don't give a f*ck.

(henry shouting)

(music plays)

(he sighs)

Bye.

(woman talking)

Freddie?

It's Freddie, isn't it?

Do you remember me? Lynne, Lynne Pascoe.

We met at that Sport Relief day.

I'm with Gregory, look!

Oh, my God!

Well, well, well!

And my sister, she's on that committee with your mum. You know, the save-the-library thing.

Good to see you!

Sir.

Oh, bollocks to that. It's Gregory.

Yeah.

It's weird, meeting teachers out of school, isn't it?

But these are ours, look. That's Nell. This is Ruby.

Hello... !

They weren't even born when I was teaching you.

Like, that was what?

Five years ago? Six?

It's been ages.

So, you, er... you dropped out of college, didn't you?

Where was it, London?

Er... South Bank.

Yeah, we heard you were back.

Er... Lynne's sister knows your mum.

They're on that library thing. So, what was it?

Didn't like it?

Too much theory?

Yeah.

Look, I tell you what, Ruby's going to need something to eat.

Do you want to come for a coffee in town, on us?

What do you think?

Just ten minutes. Quick little coffee in town.

Yeah.

So, what sort of thing are you doing these days? Are you working?

Er... yeah, I'm training.

I'm a chef.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's a great job.

Hard work.

I'd love it, though, working in a kitchen all day, eh?

So, where's that? In Manchester?

Yeah.

But you're not living at home?

Er... no. I've got a flat.

How's your brother these days?

These two have their moments, eh? Don't you?

Don't you, sweetheart?

Whoops! Sorry, sorry. I'm an idiot.

Sorry, sorry. Daddy's fault.

Silly old Daddy. Look at you, you monkey!

Pass me the blue bag. OK.

Hold on, Rube. Just wait a minute.

My fault. Sorry.

No worries. I'll change her in the loo.

Yeah.

Off we go. Come on, sweetheart.

Yeah, that's it, and pass me the bag.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Great. I won't be long. Sorry.

Come on, you. Are you all right?

Hey?

Say bye-bye. Say bye-bye.

It's like I can smell that space between your legs.

That stink.

Why did you drop out, then?

College?

Dunno.

Gonna try again?

Dunno.

You should, you really should.

I have got such a massive hard-on right now.

What about you?

No.

Liar.

She could have changed that T-shirt on the spot.

She's only left us alone so I can try and talk you back into college.

My wife is the nicest woman in the world, and I just want to split you in half.

Remember that room?

Yeah.

I loved that room.

Yeah.

Can I f*ck you?

We ended it.

Oh, for God's sake, Freddie.

I don't want to go out with you.

I just want to f*ck you one last time.

Can I do that? Can I?

When?

Now.

I mean now.

What?

Right now.

How...

I don't know.

You're with her.

I'll get away.

There's gotta be somewhere. Where do you live?

Where's your flat?

No. No, no, it's too far.

We're in the middle of town.

There's got to be, um... a toilet or some sort of corner.

I don't know. You live here. Think.

We're getting stuff for her mum. It takes ages with the kids.

I'll get away. I'll think of something.

Follow me.

What?

What do you mean?

I don't know. Just follow me.

There.

You said no numbers.

I know.

Just this once.

But I'm never gonna see you again, Freddie.

This is it.

So, I just want to come inside you.

OK?

Follow me.

Oh, sorry, it's, er... Helen Carter.

She's doing that audio-visual thing, but she's lost the playlist.

Well, can't she do it online?

You try telling her.

Right.

(text alert)

Fancy some more pasta tonight?

(text alert)

(text alert)

OK. Um... in fairness, it's not Helen's fault.

But the playlist isn't even online. Can you believe?

Look, I'll have to go back to the car.

Can't you do it later?

Any more texts and I'm gonna start swearing in front of the kids.

Seriously. I've got all that stuff in the boot.

Give me 20 minutes.

OK, well, look, we'll go to Henrik's, OK?

You keep your phone on you and I'll tell you where we are.

Go on, then. Hurry up.

Sorry.

They're not paying you enough!

(message sends)

(tram toots)

(text alert)

(he gasps)

Is Freddie in?

No, sorry, he's, er... gone out.

He told me to wait, OK?

You're not part of this, are you?

Part of what?

(footsteps on stairs)

That'll be him.

(panting) You must be Roy.

You got any stuff?

Not really. Just this.

That'll do. You got balloons?

Yup!

(knock at door)

Get that.

Freddie in?

That's an old photo.

I'll f*ck off, then.

Balloons!

Hey, what about him?

Wanna join in?

Oh, yeah!

(locks beep)

You bastard.

It's a long time since I saw 6am.

We don't start work for another three hours.

OK, we'll come in the afternoon, with kids pissing in the water.

Cos we're reaching peak times now and, I'm telling you, that place is understaffed.

I mean, in Plymouth, they've got a team of 17 working on recuperation.

17. We've got five.

And that's going down to four by next year.

It'll be four by... April.

Yeah, I've gotta be honest, I thought I was moving to a bigger operation.

I mean, you've got the university, yeah, but you could double the money from corporate.

Like in Plymouth, it's all dinners and conventions.

That stuff's a gold mine.

Just push yourself towards me.

Nice and gentle.

Just go with it.

No. Sorry, nope. sh*t!

It's OK.

Just try again.

(he gasps and splutters)

(he coughs)

(he gasps and laughs)

That's it, you did it. You did it, yeah?

Oh, man.

I just feel so stupid.

Now go back and do it again.

And again, and again, and again.

That's it, that's it.

(he gasps)

Come on, keep going.

That's good.

Ronnie said that Peter Phillipson was asking about you.

You know, the one from Motorfield.

He was sniffing round.

Seriously?

He said, "I've heard Lance is single."

Ronnie said, "Yes."

He said, "Good."

His actual words, good.

Well, it was more like, "Oh, good!"

Nah.

He's a bit insipid.

What are you looking for, then?

Oh, I dunno.

I'm out of practice.

I suppose someone who's sort of...

Well, OK.

Someone like you.

He scores(!)

Well, it's true.

I mean, you're fit, you're not too ugly, and you're in the same job. That helps.

Man, I wish.

It would make my life so much easier.

Listen, I had nine long years with Henry.

That's nine years without... whatever.

I had to invent all sorts of tricks.

Like what?

You'll never know.

Well, go on. Like what?

Tell me!

I give a great blow job.

OK.

In my opinion.

So, what do you do?

Jesus.

OK.

You know most blow jobs end with a bit of a wank?

Oh, my God, I'm too old for this.

Right. So, most times, you finish by jerking off.

Well, 90% of the time. 99%.

Well, I can bring you off with just my mouth.

I really can. That's a fact.

I know exactly where to go, right at the end.

Just before you reach that final surge, you know?

I can find exactly the right spot.

Where's that?

(door opens)

Anyway.

There we go, then.

Still.

If ever you're desperate.

OK, we're done here.

The world awaits.

Er... just give me a minute.

What for?

I'm only wearing Speedos.

Gotta wait for this to go down.

(lance chuckles)

'Right, I'll go and see how supper's coming along.'

'Oh, Kevin, will you be seeing Carole?'

'How do you mean?

Well, popping into the Coach House.'

'Or seeing her in the garage.'

'I shouldn't think so. Why?'

'Well, I was thinking of inviting her for dinner... '

Hello? It's me. Now listen. It's important.

I need to make some money fast. And whatever you do, don't tell your mother.

(people chatter music plays)

(text alert)

(camera clicks)

Oh, my God! This is weird.

Yeah. Nice, though, isn't it, hm? We did the whole place up.

Floorboards.

I thought it would be cobwebs.

It is a bit.

The last tenants left about four months ago.

Your mother's not had time, what with baby Lou, so she put me in charge, but I think we'll have to sell it. 'Cos I need the money.

She'll not like that.

Tough.

It's weird, though.

I keep expecting to see Gran, coming through there.

She was always in the kitchen, wasn't she?

Every day of her life.

She'd k*ll you, using her old house to pimp out her grandson.

I'm not pimping.

I'm... directing.

I'm directing you.

(singing in french)

This stuff was everywhere, back in 2006.

There were hundreds of straight boys lip-synching and then they all disappeared.

That's cos of copyright.

The songs are copyright. So you can't make money off them.

I know, but all your middle-aged men, they loved this stuff and they're still out there.

They're still waiting.

That's why you need me, cos nobody knows this stuff better than I do.

We did this at work with those promo videos.

We put them on Tumblr, so the copyright doesn't matter.

You circumvent that and use the songs to drive the audience to the YouTube site and that's how you make money.

How much of it would be yours?

If I can double your earnings, I get 35% and then we can review every month.

Yeah, and you get this place free of charge, cos, look...

Instant upgrade. It looks fantastic.

Thousand times better than your scuzzy old bedroom.

I liked the bedroom.

Thought it was h*m*.

I'll be the judge of that.

Penny Wicks gave me a hand job, cos she thought it was h*m*.

So, she can be the judge.

Thanks.

Do you really need the money?

He's taken everything, even the PC. You came with me to buy that, remember?

I'm left with sod all.

We don't make a fortune.

I just need a little bit of cash.

Maybe for a month or so, just until Lance gives in. That's all. Cos I know him.

He's expecting me to beg and I will not.

Thing is, all these straight boys, pretending to be gay, does it not piss you off?

Completely.

But you're doing the same with us.

Yep.

Cos know what happens to you in life, Adam?

You become the thing you hate.

Now shut up, take your shirt off and sing.

♪ This was never the way I planned ♪
♪ not my intention ♪
♪ I got so brave ♪
♪ Drink in hand ♪
♪ Lost my discretion ♪
♪ It's not what I'm used to ♪

* Just wanna try you on... *

No way, man!

That's hilarious!

Oh, come on, Beanie. I'm bored now. We're never gonna finish.

It's not like I mean it.

You'd better f*cking not.

Boys, pick it up from the first chorus and concentrate, OK?

(music plays)

Hold on!

Look, I've got it, I got it. Just give me a minute.

Look, this is too funny!

Hi, there, Henry. You OK?

Yeah, not bad, thanks.

(phone rings)

Oh, don't tell me. You've put it online and made 2,000 quid already?

No, thing is, there's this boy in my year, Tomasz.

He's Polish and he's straight, and he vlogs, too.

I told him about the songs and he thought it was brilliant.

So, he said he'd do it with me.

OK. What about Beanie?

Beanie's sacked.

He's your best friend.

Yeah, but he was rubbish.

Let's face it, he failed to invest.

Well, yeah.

Poor old Beanie.

Oh, never mind him. What do you think?

Tomasz only lives on Burnley Road.

Can we try again? Take two!

♪ Us girls, we are so magical ♪
♪ Soft skin, red lips, so kissable ♪
♪ Hard to resist, so touchable ♪
♪ Too good to deny it ♪

* Ain't no big deal... *

Oh, round about that bit, we should keep looking at each other and not look away.

Yeah, get even closer, cos that's really kinda hot.

So, what else? What do you think?

Good. It's excellent.

But what else can we do? They were doing this in 2006.

We need to move it on.

You're the director.

You tell us. What do you want to see?

Well, I suppose the thing that's missing...

Er... no, it's fine, honestly, but to be honest, if you really want to know, when I'm watching this kind of thing, I want them to kiss.

We can do that. Happy?

No problem.

Great. Let's go.

(music plays)

♪ Soft skin, red lips, so kissable ♪
♪ Hard to resist, so touchable ♪
♪ Too good to deny it ♪
♪ Ain't no big deal ♪
♪ It's innocent ♪
♪ I kissed a girl and I liked it ♪
♪ The taste of her Cherry ChapStick ♪
♪ I kissed a girl just to try it ♪
♪ I hope my boyfriend don't mind it ♪
♪ It felt so wrong ♪
♪ It felt so right ♪
♪ Don't mean I'm in love tonight ♪
♪ I kissed a girl and I liked it ♪
♪ I liked it. ♪

How was that?

Was it OK? Did it look good? Was it convincing?

Felt good to me.

Felt great.

We can do it again.

We can give it a bit more.

We can give it a lot more.

Do you want us to go for it, yeah? Like I'm really gonna do him?

That's enough for today. Let's go home.

Oh, come on!

And the latest attraction is the giant ocean sunfish.

Now, these fellas, they're bigger than the sharks.

They're the biggest bony fish in the world. We've got specimens weighing more than 350 pounds.

(dialling tone)

Yeah?

Hi, there. It's me.

It's Lance.

Yeah, what do you want?

I was just thinking, that curry house that you were talking about, The Red Fort. You said Ronnie liked it.

Can you hear me?

What about it?

I'm starving. I haven't eaten yet. I thought...

Do you want to go?

f*cking hell!

Sorry?

Not surprised you want curry.

You want that sting in your ring.

Yeah. So...

(music blasting)

... what do you think?

You OK?

Or... we could just go for a drink?

I'm busy.

Yeah.

OK, all right.

I'll see you at work, then.

I'm in late tomorrow...

Bye, then!

(line goes dead)

(sound on mute)

Hello, sir.

Nice.

Are you squatting?

This is my room.

So, how many of you are there?

It's just us.

There's no-one in. You don't need to worry.

(distant siren blares)

What do you think?

Good.

Who's seen them?

No-one.

They're kind of visible.

Yeah, I put them on display.

Just for you.

I can take them down again.

You shouldn't use my name.

No-one's seen them.

All the same. Really, though. You shouldn't.

Be fair.

Do they turn you on?

Yeah.

I'll take that as a compliment.

They're good.

They're strong.

They're very you.

You should get rid of them.

Stop worrying.

Yeah, but... we did it perfectly.

All those years with no numbers, no photos, no e-mails.

No great big flying come sh*ts with my name written all over them.

You can have 'em.

Yeah?

Mm-hm.

They're yours.

Can't really take them home.

Oh, burn them.

I don't care.

That'd be a shame.

It's up to you.

Have you got copies?

Nope.

How many times have you jerked off over them?

A million.

I bet.

(gasping)

(he gasps)

I should go home.

(door clangs)

It's all right.

Who is it?

Doesn't matter, does it?

They're not gonna know who you are.

It's Dean.

Who's Dean?

He's an idiot.

Come on!

(they laugh)

Just get it off. Pull it. Do the other one.

Pull it. Pull it.

Get up.

(they laugh)

(panting)

(grunts)

(door clangs)

(footsteps on stairs)

(Who's that?)

Anyone in?

HE MOUTHS: Henry.

HE MOUTHS: Who?

Can you still pay my rent?

Oh, be fair. That was once.

Was it? Who said so?

God's sake.

Oh.

(gasps)

(grunts)

(footsteps approaching)

(music on headphones)

Look.

You know what happened at work.

I would if I could.

(grunts)

Oh.

Ah.

(groans bed bangs)

(bed bangs)

(gasping)

You OK?

Mm.

No, no.

OK. OK.

What do you want to do?

I want to f*ck you.

Well, I'm f*cking you.

Let me f*ck you this time, Gregory.

I want to f*ck you now.

OK.

We don't do that.

I want to f*ck your arse so hard.

(panting)

Well, sorry.

It's all right, being f*cked.

It's not weak.

I never said it was.

Then let me f*ck you.

Maybe... this was all a long time ago. What do you think?

(he sighs)

Am I too old for you now?

That's not what I said.

OK. Sorry. We tried.

(camera clicks)

Was that of me?

Souvenir.

We said no photos. That's the rule.

I think you'd better delete it.

Is that OK?

Who've you got now?

In school. Who's the new boy?

No-one.

There isn't.

I'm married. I... I'm happy.

(he sniggers)

I am.

I've got Lynne and the kids.

There was only you.

Yeah?

I think you should delete it.

I've got her number.

Who?

(footsteps nearby)

07700 900 576.

What's that?

Your wife's sister.

On that committee with my mother.

I phoned home.

And got... Sally's number.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

OK, OK. Sorry. Sorry, Freddie. I'm...

I'm sorry if I ever pissed you off but I... I'd really appreciate...

Don't send it.

Please.

That boy Adnan. Do you remember him?

He came out in year 11.

Judy Jones, year 10.

That little Steve Bowden was out from the age of 13.

That should've been me.

He was just a camp little kid.

But he was out. They were all out.

And I was getting ten times the sex that they ever did, but I had to keep it a secret because of you.

You loved every second of it.

Oh, you were the f*ck of my life.

But do you know what's even better?

f*cking with you now.

f*ck off! f*ck off!

Give it to me!

Get off me!

OK. Let's stop.

Just give it! Give it!

I said no! Let go of me! Let go!

Give me that phone and I'll walk out of here and you'll never see me again!

Now delete that f*cking photo, OK?!

Aah!

(groans loud bang)

(grunts)

(loud groans)

f*cking k*ll him, Henry!

Just leave us!

This is a private matter! He's a thief!

You f*cking twat!

He stole something of mine!

Take the phone!

Christ! He's hurting you!

Oh, Jesus!

f*ck off!

Jesus Christ, you bastard!

He's obsessed with me!

He came here to hurt me!

You liar!

You did it! You brought me here!

The wall! The wall, Henry! Look at the wall!

(they groan)

f*ck you! f*ck off!

Just give it me!

Just f*ck off, you f*cking...

Let go! Give it to me!

Oh, my God.

How old was he?

18!

15!

My nephew's 15, you c**t!

Stop it! Stop it! Jesus!

Stop!

You little fucks!

Henry?

You're f*cking useless.

Look.

OK.

We can sort this out.

If you just give me the f*cking phone.

(they groan)

Let go of me! I'm serious!

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you, sir!

I'm not joining in with this.

It's too weird.

Dean. k*ll him.

Just leave us alone.

Get him off me, Dean!

Go back to your room!

I mean, that was a good laugh yesterday, but, I'm sorry, Mr Best, you're way too old.

I think you'd better use your safe word.

Dean, this is serious! Dean!

Dean, you m*therf*cking dunce! He's attacking me!

This is as*ault!

So, that's Dean?

f*cking idiot.

I can see that.

(knock at door)

Well, I don't suppose you're going to get it, are you?

Look, Dean, seriously!

For f*ck's sake! Dean!

Listen. Whoever that is, they're gonna get you, OK?

Well, whoever that is, I will break their f*cking necks.

And then I'll stamp you two into the ground until I get that f*cking phone!

(footsteps on stairs)

It's for you.

(footsteps on stairs)

(gasping)

OK.

Get him off me.

Who's he? The man from IT?

This man att*cked the two of us! Please, Lance! Get him off me!

That's Lance?

Freddie, nice to meet you at last.

What have I interrupted, then? Some sort of little game, is it?

Is this what goes on here?

This man is a r*pist!

No, he's not.

I am not!

Well, I don't know what he is!

But he's k*lling me!

Lance!

Help me.

Please.

No! No, no, no, no.

Thank you, mate. Just leave us alone. Thank you very much.

You can go.

Thank you.

Kick him!

What?

Just kick him!

Yeah, yeah, just f*cking kick him! Go on!

Kick the fucker!

Don't tell me what to do, Freddie.

Please, Lance! Just kick him!

You f*cking dare!

Do you know, I've had one f*ck of a day?

To be honest, just lately, it's been one f*ck of a life.

And, yes, if you were to ask me what I would love to do right now, I would love... I would absolutely love... oh, my God, I would love to kick the sh*t out of someone.

Kick him!

I'll break his neck!

Just do it! Kick him!

Both of them!

Frankly, there is no-one on this earth more deserving of a good kicking than you, Henry.

Not me! Don't kick me!

And then there's Freddie, date of birth 1990.

God, I'd love to kick your arse, Freddie Baxter.

What the f*ck have I done?

And that's my problem.

If I'm to play this little game of yours, who do I kick?

Not me! Not me!

Kick him! Kick him!

All: No!

(distant siren blares)

(grunts)

(shouts outside)

I saw these boys today. They were so fearless.

I was scared, when I was a kid.

If a man appeared on the TV, I was so scared of anyone knowing.

But the result of that was...

I was scared of the man.

All my life... I've been scared of the man.

Send it.

(message alert)

Oh, you little f*cking...

(footsteps on stairs)

(door clangs)

(distant siren blares)

(camera clicks)

What's that for?

(door shuts)

I'd better head off.

There's this bloke at work.

I think he's interested.

I might give it a go.

You don't need to tell me.

Yes, I do.

Well, I hope he's nice.

Thanks.

And I really did pay for that computer.

And... sorry.

You know.

That's OK.

We're mad.

We're all f*cking mad.

(door opens)

Well, Violet, thanks for asking(!)

(door slams)

(message alert)

It's from you.

His name's Hamish.

Scottish, obviously.

He's 33. I thought that was a good age.

Not too old, not too... young.

He works in a pharmacy. He likes... I dunno, music.

You can ask him yourself.

You're meeting him eight o'clock, Saturday night, in Via on Canal Street.

I used your photo. I got you a date.

(distant siren blares)

Good luck.

Oh.

And he's a top. Is that OK?

Yeah.