04x07 - The Mother of All Dates

[bunniefuu]

(Video games noises)

All right, you think you got moves?

Well, you're not gonna see this coming.

(expl*si*n)

Oh! Yeah!

Oh, come on!

(Laughs) Sorry, kinda saw that coming.

Speaking of things blowing up in your face that everyone saw coming, I heard you messed it up with Riley again.

I didn't mess up...

Unless she said I messed up...

In which case, that's messed up!

She just said you guys were figuring things out, which I assumed was code for "Ben screwed it up again."

I think there were other factors involved, and by "other factors," I mean people.

Okay, but I'm guessing the other people's name is Ben.

(expl*si*n)

Aw, come on!

(Laughs) Yeah.

I win again.

Yeah, whatever. You always win.

Ben, zero. Danny, a gajillion.

(Scoffs)

Dude, calm down. It's just a game.

It's not just a game!

It was.

Now it's just weird.

Rematch?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, boys, I thought I had scraped the bottom of the loser barrel, but tonight's date proved that the barrel has a false bottom, and it's name was Doug.

I mean, it's one thing to live in your car, but with a roommate? I mean, come on!

And of course, he spent the whole night looking at these and not this, and after I spent an hour telling him about my exciting real estate career, he asked me how long I'd been a lawyer!

I tell you, men never listen!

Hey, mom. How was your date?

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction ♪

Ben: So what? You won a game of basketball.

Why don't you try something more challenging, like baby making?

Beaten you at that, haven't I?

I'm not sure forgetting to put on a condom and getting a girl pregnant is the big win you think it is.

That's real nice, Uncle Danny.

Real nice.

Hey, mom, we're just dropping Emma...

(Hisses)

Mmm.

Mom, what happened to you?

I've completely given up.

I'm swearing off men. Isn't it great?

No makeup, hairdos, or bathing.

I'm basically living the life of a dude.

No wonder you guys have so much free time to be idiots.

(Hisses)

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go drink beer in my bathtub, because I can. (Giggles)

Hey, dude, I think mom's broken.

You know, I've seen this before.

You know what mom's problem is?

Oh my God, there's something more than this?

She needs to meet a decent guy, and I know a ton of guys.

At least one's gotta be decent.

No offense, bro, but I think mom's looking for a relationship that doesn't end in "we're figuring things out."

Oh. You think you could do better?

In a word, yeah, why not?

Okay, then you're on.

Whoever sets up mom and pulls her out of this slump, wins.

Bonnie: Hey, do either of you want my razors?

I'm not gonna need 'em anymore!

I'm not wrong, am I? I mean, it's totally not fair.

Ben didn't even give me a say in this breakup, time out, holding pattern or whatever it's called.

(Dings)

And you want to know what the worst part is?

That I'm about to be stuck in a small space with you?

Sondra: Hold the elevator!

(Clicking rapidly)

Oh dear God, please close.

Tucker.

Sondra.

Oh, hey, Riley. Back from yoga?

Yeah, we went to...

I love yoga.

It really takes my mind off things.

Oh my God, do I have a lot of things on my mind. A lot.

Oh my God, tell me about it.

Okay, she's not really asking.

It's just a figure of speech.

Well, I'm sure it's about a guy.

You know, it's always about a guy.

(Elevator stops)

It is about a guy! My husband!

Oh, does he want a break? Or a time out?

Or did he tell you that you feel something about someone that you don't?

Because he will. They all do. They're all crazy.

You're all crazy.

(Elevator starts)

He's just been so aloof lately, always staying late at work, never has time for my calls.

Oh, girl, that's easy... he cheating.

What? You really think so?

It doesn't matter what he's doing!

All that matters is what you're doing.

You need to take charge of this situation so you don't have any regrets.

Go find your voice.

(Elevator dings)

My voice? Oh my God, thank you so much, Riley.

That was really good advice. What people say about lawyers isn't true, because you're clearly very smart, you're an attorney, and you totally know what you're talking about.

Riley, what did I tell you about the elevator?

Don't talk to anybody. I'm sorry.

"Congratulations, Ben." "Oh, thank you, Danny."

That's a little glimpse into the future, because I just b*at you.

You see that guy right there?

That's Richard, and he's perfect for mom.

I think she ought to get in line behind that guy.

This isn't over. Oh crap, it's my boss!

God, I hate him. He's so phony.

Mr. Henderson! What's up, man?

Good to see you. How are ya?

Doing great, especially now that I'm finally done with my messy divorce.

And for the record, when people say "messy," they mean, "she got everything."

So, you just got divorced.

Bummer. Any chance you're in the market for some female companionship?

Ooh. I don't allow hookers in my bar.

But if you'd like to step outside, maybe we can discuss this.

'I'm trying to set you up with my mom.

Ah. Well, I'm flatered that you would trust me with your mother's affections, especially after I just showed interest in a hooker.

Wheeler, looks like I might get set up with your mom.

If all goes well, you could mix drinks for me here and at home.

(Clicks tongue)

What did you do?

Just set the multi-gajillionaire up with mom.

(Laughs) Once again, I win.

Danny, you can't just pick some random good-looking guy with lots of money to go out with mom to win the bet!

You have to be selective, careful, vet each prospective match thoroughly.

Can I get a gin and tonic?

How about a 40-something blonde?

It's today's special.

And here's another thing... fortune cookies.

Fortune cookies are so stupid.

Where are the realistic ones? Like...

"You'll finally date the guy of your dreams..."

(Sighs)

"...and then he'll dump you for no reason whatsoever."

"In bed." (Laughs)

(Knocks on door)

No, see? It doesn't always work. No.

You were right! He's a cheater! A cheater!

I took your advice and look what I found! A locket! A locket!

A locket? (Scoffs) I don't know which one's worse: The fact that he's cheating on you, or that it's with a 90-year-old.

Look, it has a picture of him on one side and another woman on the other.

Oh damn. I'd get her a locket.

You know what? Nicely done.

You listened to my advice, and you took charge of your destiny.

But now what do I do?

Well, since you've taken back control, and you have your proof, you have some tough decisions to make about your marriage and as a highly-regarded legal professional, I'm here to tell... oh my God!

Oh my God, I'm supposed to be at a deposition!

Okay, you know what? I'm sure you're gonna work it out.

Have fun!

Wait! Where are you going?

You can't leave me here with this crazy...

(Door shuts)

Amount of food.

How can he do this to me?

Do... do you wanna look in the locket again, or...?

I know I'm not the easiest woman to live with.

Or next to.

Look...

Sondra, I am really sorry that this is happening to you, and I know we are not the best of friends or... even friends at all for that matter.

You know, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

Thank you, Tucker.

You're very sweet.

I can be. (Chuckles)

Hey.

Oh wow, mom, you look great.

Try not to act so surprised.

I was on the couch for two days, not in the woods for two years.

All right, now where is this client you said couldn't wait to meet me?

Oh, they decided they could wait, but hey, let's grab lunch anyway, okay?

Okay.

Okay, there she is.

Wow! You're right. Those legs really don't quit, though I would like to find out where they take a break.

Let's take it down a notch, sparky, okay? That's my mom.

In fact, come wait out here while I go warm her up.

Add that to the list of things you should never have to say about your mother.

Hey, Mr. Henderson, over here!

Have you met my mother, Bonnie?

No, but I'd rather meet this attractive young woman instead.

Wow. I wish the nachos here came with that much cheese.

(Laughs)

Jack Henderson, I have two hotels.

Bonnie Wheeler, and I have two of a lot of things.

And a clueless son.

(Whispers) Danny, get lost.

Oh yeah, I'll get you guys some drinks.

(Chuckles)

Sorry, little bro.

Ironically, I just swore off men.

But I think I'm about to regret that decision.

Excuse me, Mr. Henderson, there's a call for you in the office.

(Sighs) I'll be right back.

Don't move a muscle.

Well, the only muscle I'll be moving is this one.

(Mutters)

Oh, this is for you from the gentleman outside.

Well, why would he send me a drink when I'm obviously sitting...

(Gasps) In the wrong section.

(Laughs) The young g*ns are out there.

Well, you know, Jack did say he'd be a minute.

Oops, time's up. I can't be expected to wait around forever.

Hi, I'm Bonnie.

And I'm Frank.

Well, you two seem to be hitting it off.

Mr. Henderson needs me in his office right away? Thank you.

Wait. What... what are you doing out here?

And when is he leaving?

Honey, this is Frank.

(Whispers) Be cool!

Hi, Frank. I'm Danny.

Nice to meet you. Oh.

(Gasps)

What's the matter with you?

Danny!

I'm sorry. I forgot that I had a drink in that hand, it happens.

Yeah.

I gotta go. Maybe some other time.

Oh, Frank. Oh.

Well, lucky for you, today I'm traveling with a spare.

Now where's Jack?

Oh, hey, mom, bad news.

He's holed up in his office. I'm not sure what happened.

Something about losing something.

Well, the last time I lost two guys this fast, was when I told the three guys I was dating in high school I was pregnant. (Laughs)

You may have gotten rid of Frank, but it doesn't matter.

I'm still gonna win. Do you just wanna concede now?

If concede means I win, then I do.

It doesn't.

Then I don't.

Tucker, hi. Oh my gosh, I am so sorry about sondra. Was she upset?

Not when she left.

You and you have ruined my life!

Ru-ined! I couldn't take it, so I demanded an explanation, and threw the locket in my husband's face, and do you know what he said?

"Ow"?

He said the locket was for me, and that woman's picture came with it!

So now he's not the cheater! I am!

A cheater? With who?

With him!

I'm sorry, but Tucker's the only person standing there.

He preyed on me while I was weak.

You weren't too weak to carry me into that bedroom!

Tucker! Now what is the matter with you?

(Laughs) Don't be pointing fingers!

If it weren't for all your don't-let-men decide-your-future girl-power extremism, I never would've ended up in his bed in the first place!

Yeah, Riley.

If you didn't shove all your girl power on her, she wouldn't have shoved her girl parts on me.

Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to figure out a way, to tell my husband and pray that he forgives me.

I'm an adulteress! An adulteress!

(Door slams)

Wow.

You really ruined her life.

I'm just... I'm glad I stayed out of it.

(Knocks) Knock-knock. Mom, you decent?

So, mom's not here, but she couldn't have gone far.

Can I get you something to eat?

Ooh. Still warm. It's probably okay.

All right, so you wait here and I'm gonna go find her.

She's probably out getting cleaning supplies or buying hangers.

Don't you think she might be just a tad concerned to come home and find a strange man in her apartment?

You'd be surprised.

Mind if I wash up?

Oh yeah, sure.

The mop's next to the fridge. Thanks.

(Door opens)

Bonnie: And that concludes today's post-daycare wrap-up,

"why grandma's gonna die alone."

No, she's not, Emma. I'm gonna be right there with her, because today I ruined somebody's life and their marriage.

Well... I scrubbed so hard I think I'm actually a shade lighter.

What's up with him?

He slept with sondra.

Riley!

(Gasps) You slept with Sondra?

Are you deaf?

(Emma laughs)

I know.

You've met her.

(Door shuts)

Hey, mom, it's your favorite son!

Hey, man, thanks for giving my mom a second chance.

You two are gonna have a lot of fun together.

You and your mom seem oddly close.

That's why you're here, Frank. Take off some of the pressure.

Right.

All right, looks like she stepped out, so I'll go see if I can track her down. Make yourself comfortable.

Don't you think she'll be a little freaked out to find a strange man in her apartment?

You'd be surprised.

Hey, Tucker, I got you these, you know, in case you wanna hook up with Sondra again.

Oh my God, Mrs. Wheeler, I think you're being robbed.

What?

Frank?

How the hell did he get in my apartment?

Oh! I'm gonna k*ll Ben...

Or thank him, depending on where this goes.

How can I swear off men when they are literally breaking down my door?

Wait, why does that guy look so familiar?

(Gasps) Because that's no guy.

That's Sondra's husband.

Yes! Ha! So he really is a cheater.

I'm not really sure that this is a high-five kind of moment.

(Dings)

What's up, Danny? What are you doing here?

Uh... nothing.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

(Both grunt)

I don't think so, man.

Both: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Danny: I gotta talk to you, mom!

Hey, what's up, guys? We're just looking for my mom.

Yeah, she just left for her place.

So should we go tell Sondra the bad news?

Try not to gloat.

Try not to have sex with her.

You lost. Mom's gonna walk right in to Mr. Henderson sitting on her couch.

What are you talking about? Frank's at her apartment right now.

No, Mr. Henderson is.

(Ben gasps)

Both: Uh-oh.

No! No! I...

Yes!

(Both grunting)

No!

Hello! I've got a hot delivery for...

Frank?

Hello?

Mom! We can explain!

Hopefully what that guy from the bar was doing standing in my apartment 10 minutes ago.

Wait. Are you alone?

Uh-huh.

I don't know what's going on.

That's what I get for leaving the safety of my sweatpants.

(Hisses)

(Sighs) There you are.

I've been running around for the last two hours.

And I've been drinking for the last two hours, trying to figure out why a son would set his mom up for a three-way.

No! Oh God, no, no no.

You've got it all wrong. That's her ex.

Horrible breakup. She wants to start over with you.

Not really looking to settle down.

Either is she! She hates commitment.

She loves a good fling. In fact, you should go fling her right now.

Oh God!

And it looks like I win again.

I just dropped Henderson off at mom's 10 minutes ago.

(Laughs) Oh yeah.

Are you Ben Wheeler?

Who's asking?

The F.B.I.

Then I'm answering and sweating.

How can I help you?

We're looking for Jack Henderson.

We have a warrant for his arrest for tax evasion.

Do you know where we can find him?

Really?

Oh my God, I win!

Yes! I finally win!

Sorry, it's a long story.

Come with me. I'll show you where he is.

Yes! Oh!

So, just ballpark figures.

Can you afford a ballpark?

(Laughs)

Oh yeah.

(Laughs)

But I'd rather talk about other figures.

Yours.

Oh.

Aha! See?

♪ Cheater, cheater, pumpkin... ♪ that's not your husband.

He most certainly is not.

Wait, are you sure? Look again.

What is wrong with the two of you?

Bonnie, hi, I'm sorry...

Frank?

Sondra!

Hey, there you are.

These are for you.

Don't read the card.

You're married? To Sondra?

Are you deaf?

Thank God I listened to Riley, who inspired me to take charge of my life and not have any regrets. She helped me find my voice.

And this voice is taking it to the rooftops and yelling "it's over!" O-ver!

Honey, please!

Now is this a high-five moment?

Yeah, it is!

Hey, hey, why was Frank just running out of here with Sondra?

Because she's his wife.

Really?

Is he deaf?

F.B.I., you're under arrest.

Damn it. Damn it.

Okay, let me just say it was spring break, I was 17, and so I wasn't officially an adult yet.

Just...

Mom, not you. Mr. Henderson.

What? Whoa! There's gotta be some mistake.

Hey, hey. Hey, let's talk about this.

You look like lobster guys. Do you like lobster?

I love lobster. I've got a great...

Hey, what's going on?

Your guy is going to prison for tax evasion.

That's what's going on, so you lose.

Oh, and you think setting mom up with a married man constitutes a win?

I don't think so.

Okay, what the hell are you two talking about?

Lose what? Win what?

What was this? Some kind of contest? A game?

"Find a date for poor old mom"?

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds like we did a bad thing.

Okay, so you didn't even care enough to find out anything about these guys, like whether they're married or a felon?

I mean, so you think I would just go out with just anybody?

I feel like the real answer might make you mad.

Well, why would you think that?

You don't see me going out with a bunch of random guys that I don't even bother getting to know, do you?

Oh my God.

You're right.

That's exactly what I do.

Why do I do that?

You know what?

From now on I'm gonna remember how amazing I am ad I'm gonna make sure that the guys I date are just as amazing.

So what you're saying is "thank you"?

No! No, "thank you's" are reserved for people who actually meant to do the right thing, not for selfish kids who got lucky.

Come here.

(Both grunt)

Who needs a man in her life when I've got you two?

Mom? It's a little tight to be a hug, mom!

Yeah, I'm still mad. I'm still a little mad.

Mom! Ow!

So we agree? No more competing.

(Knocks on door)

Yeah, man. You're right.

It's just so immature.

Yes! I win! What?

Ooh! Oh man.

Rematch?

You're on, buddy.

Tucker, you need to talk to the mailman about keeping your mail out of my box.

Don't wait up.