04x06 - Trust Me, I'm Getting Plenty of Erections

[bunniefuu]

Malcolm: Maybe if you didn't take the fall for your baby mama Jeannie things would've turned out a little differently, Marty.

Previously on House of Lies...

Marty: I know you're upset about everything that happened last year.

We're all good, Marty. You don't have to worry about me.

I feel like there's something special here.

We should really see where it goes...

No!

Marty: With this Gage account coming in, all this attention, we're gonna be f*cking huge.

If anyone's ass here deserves to be kissed, it's mine!

Jeannie: There is a crisis of confidence at Gage.

Maya is the solution.

Marty: We just need to keep Maya happy until those merger papers are signed.

Maya: Ellis is the king of making grandiose promises, and never following through.

Big oil magnates in the Bay Area?

Cal Manchester.

Yee-haw!

How does a merger help me?

Well, it doesn't.

Unless, of course, producing an electric car for the masses isn't a part of Ellis's vision.

I wouldn't worry too much about motherhood changing you.

People like you don't change.

Pop, are you serious right now?

You're going half the speed limit.

Are you in a rush?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

You know, you got a c*ptive audience back there.

I mean, he's putting on a brave face, but, uh, he's really freaking out about today.

Hey...

(groans) What?

You want to talk about this?

About what, Dad?

Look, you guys are driving me to prison right now.

It's gonna be the last... normal interaction we're gonna have for about six months.

Yup.

Do you want to ask anything?

Yeah. Grandpa, how much longer is the drive?

All my friends are hanging out at Tom-Tom's birthday.

Yeah, well, it's Tom-Tom's birthday.

Let's just turn the car around.

All right, all right. Let's go to Tom-Tom's.

No prison. All right, all right.

We're going to Tom-Tom's. Listen, we got to, we got to, we got to make the most of this time.

Now, come on. It's good that you guys talk like this, because, well, there's-there's no... no rulebook as to how to feel, you know?

Well, it feels like sh*t.

Yeah.

I mean... all my friends are at Six Flags, wondering where I am.

(Roscoe sighs intensely)

This sucks.

Oh, okay.

I thought he meant about me.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess you're right, man.

Both our days are gonna suck.

Malcolm: So, like I was saying, other than Oprah-- and she's not even prime time anymore-- where are the black voices?

Chantelle: Sounds to me like someone's about to get famous.

No, honestly, it's not about the fame.

Right. Oh. I'm...

I'm just trying to you know, create some dialogue with my, uh, story.

So you think the people need your story to bring them enlightenment with their morning coffee.

Wow. So you-you the new sugar?

I guess I am.

Well, you know what, brother?

I like mines black.

Oh, sh*t.

Hell, yeah. I love that.

Marty, that's the perfect tag line for Blacktalk.

I'm gonna run that by the producers.

You're welcome.

Jeremiah: Good morning.

Hi.

Hey, good morning.

Hey, I'm gonna go get Roscoe up.

Uh, well, he's... Roscoe! Roscoe!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Marty: Oh, y'all got jokes.

(laughing)

Cute. Slept over at Jeremy's.

Oh. Okay. You even know who Jeremy is, man?

Yeah. I even know who Jeremy is.

Really? I mean, 'cause you're so preoccupied with your work, is all.

Well, you seem very preoccupied with being here all of a sudden.

You know, fact is, Marty, your work and the mighty dollar are what landed your ass in jail.

And now you're out, you're all about that life again.

Mm!

Like it's your drug.

Ooh.

Yeah. And who gives a sh*t where Roscoe's sleeping at, because you're too busy out there getting high.

Wow.

Yeah!

I mean, thank you for your spot-on armchair psychoanalysis.

It's okay, it's okay. My pleasure.

No, no, I appreciate it, especially since you've decided to make a brief appearance in all of our lives once again.

Dad, got anything to add?

No, I'm not touching any of this.

How about we just have a nice breakfast?

How about everyone puts on a shirt?

What's wrong with this?

This is okay.

Oh, these pancakes look like a winner.

Woman, you can't lose.

Damn.

Oh, my God, Malcolm, you do know that that's Dad's girlfriend, right?

His? Girl? You?

Oh, my God. (chuckles)

(quietly): I'm sorry, is that food from the kitchen?

Yeah.

Are you re-gifting them their own salmon for our presentation?

Could you please keep it down?

Do not narc me out.

This is the best meal I've had in six weeks.

What are you, homeless?

I'm hungry.

Aw, yeesh.

So, the model for monetizing can be ad-based, subscriber-based or fee enrollment, and while the desire for the "Yo Where's The Party?" app is strong enough to charge a fee, it's really the free apps that get the highest valuation.

Mm. Snapchat's a great example of this.

Well, Snapchat made d*ck in profits.

Yeah, but it was bid on for billions.

Jeannie: The point is to offer a free version with ads, and then roll out an option to upgrade for a fee.

Then you can...

Brah, is that new ink?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check it out.

Oh, take it off. Take it all off.

Doug: Oh!

Obvi, that is dope.

Yeah.

Yeah, super obvi, Doug.

Guys, can we not do this right now, please?

Brah, that's a chick tat.

It's not a chick tat.

Well, the writing is kind of swirly.

You want to see bad-ass?

Yeah. What do you got?

Oh, are we doing scenes from Magic Mike now?

I got this kiting in the Dominican.

Oh, nice!

Like, 21... and it's on fire, which means, you know, cards... couple cards on fire.

Almost a sentence.

Dude, I think you have a grammar mistake in permanent ink.

Shut up.

Jeannie: Hey!

Kids? I am about to tell you Tyler: Oh, that's so crazy.

Oh, my God. overachievers how you can make Zuckerberg-level bank before you're 25, so pay attention, okay?

Like I don't know what monetizing means.

Right.

Jeannie: We have prepared statistical analysis... that...

Oh, hey, check this out, down low.

You got to see this.

If you do not pay attention right now, I will not hesitate to flash you my giant, veiny, naked pregnancy belly button.

This just got interesting. (chuckling)

Naked.

I like the way that sounds.

That was meant to be a thr*at, but if you pay attention, how about we can have it as a reward? - Ugh.

Benjie: Sweet.

(school bell rings)

I didn't want you to pick me up, 'cause I was though you...

(car horn honking)

Avery: Roscoe!

Come on!

(engine starts)

I call shotgun.

Let's go, drive.

Avery: (whoops) Cut day.

(indistinct conversations)

♪ ♪

Girl: Get out of here.

Hey, Roscoe.

Hey.

Uh, Molly.

I bought one of your purses.

Oh, right-- didn't you buy the-the Chloe satchel, right?

Nice piece. It's timeless.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about you since then.

Like, a lot.

All the time.

You got any Kate Spade bags?

Seriously? Kate Spade.

(scoffs) Get out of my face.

Mm. Thanks, man.

Actually, you know what? Give me another one of those.

Thanks. Try this out.

So... how you been?

Here's a fun little fact: The word "fortune" comes from the Latin word Fortuna, goddess of chance.

Fortuna-- so pretty, right?

Thing is, real fortune has nothing to do with chance. Or luck.

Fortuna is bullshit.

Real fortune is calculated.

It's relentless.

f*cking criminal, even.

You have to make fortune happen.

See, when Ellis Hightower was the new Royal Highness of the electric car, his stock took way off.

Then someone forgot to pay his income taxes and had to move to a cozy little room upstate, and that stock price went way down here.

Then yours truly came on board, worked his Marty Kaan magic, got that old Gage brain trust back together, and now that stock price is all the way up here.

(cash register dings)

And, if you look very closely at our Gage contra...

...at our Gage contract, there is a little prize buried in the bottom of that cr*cker Jack box.

There, in the fine print, it clearly states that if the Gage stock price reaches $200 per share before our payday, we will be on the receiving end of a $9.2 million bonus.

Holy sh*t.

We just have to squeak it up... to here.

(cash register dings)

We are about to hit the fortune motherfucklode.

And then...

I will park wherever I g*dd*mn well please.

Tyler: Is anyone else craving nachos?

Where's our nacho guy?

That was next level, just now.

Thanks.

That's what you're paying us for.

Yeah, these guys are just...

They like to act all bad-ass, but their mommies still give them Fruit Roll-Ups in the morning.

All the sh*t falls on me.

I really need someone like you to help us.

A... a grown-up.

Well, you have me.

I'm here anytime.

No. What I'm asking you-- badly, I guess-- is if you'll come on board.

Be our CFO.

The VC who funded us put a line for it in the budget, but these guys have ignored it.

It's actually pretty rich pay.

I'm flattered.

Um... (clears throat)

...but I have a job.

I know, you have a huge job.

But you keep telling us that we're going to be giant.

So take us there.

Benjie: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Check it out.

The Einsteins have already agreed.

Just... consider it.

I'm dying.

Whoa. Snap!

Hey, buddy.

Um...

I'll think about it.

It's not going up, Marty.

Uh, they have pills for that.

You know, it is so brave of you to talk about it.

Usually, guys who can't get erections don't want to say...

Trust me, I get plenty of erections.

See, I think you're overcompensating now.

Am I the only one who cares about the Gage stock price?

Jeannie Bean.

Here we go. (Sighs)

Listen, Doug, don't worry your pretty little head.

By the end of business, we are gonna hit that number.

Oh, I wish I had your confidence, but I feel an ulcer forming.

I do. I can't handle the waiting.

I just can't!

I can't either.

That's why we're not going to.

I like where this is headed.

Slick back your hair...

Ah. Okay.

...splash on some cologne, because we have a date with that Gage stock price.

We're gonna throw on some John Legend, gently coax its legs open, and then ram it all the way home!

Sweet r*pe metaphor.

Don't go all soft on me, blondie.

Never. Let's go r*pe the sh*t out of this stock.

It is go time.

Doug: Hyah!

Baby bump.

All right.

Oh, see?

I told you I get erections.

Get out of my office, Doug.

You mean, the baby getting you hard?

Man: Hang on. My secretary just walked in.

What?

I know you're very busy, but something's come up, and I'm not quite sure what to do about it.

I know that it's your job to make big... very big investment decisions.

But I don't know what the rules are about secrets I may know about a company through my brother-in-law.

But since you're my boss, and it's technically my job to help you, should I tell you something if I think it can... help you?

He'll be right with you.

(sighs)

Now, Doug.

Now.

(elevator bell dings)

Oh. Excuse me. Sorry.

(whispering): There we are...

Uh...

God, I'm so, so sorry.

Jeannie: Yeah, well, this cease-fire between Gage and Compass Oil is already skyrocketing their stock, and...

I have intel that the city is about to announce favored parking privileges for electric, so that's totally gonna tip the scales in Gage's...

Um, I gotta go.

It... just not a good time.

(wry laugh)

Hi, Norm.

It's been a while.

Nice to see you, Jeannie.

(wry laugh)

Man: Mmm.

This place has the best carpaccio outside of Italy.

That why you got three orders of it?

Yuck.

Anyway, listen, we have some intel for your blog-consuming, sycophants' entertainment.

You're gonna love it. Maybe the headline could read something like: "Big Oil Concedes Defeat to Electric Technology."

But I just made that up.

I don't know. That's too many words.

Yeah, okay. I got a shorter pitch.

"Electric Cars Tell Big Oil to Go Suck It."

Now, that's even more words.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Look, I don't see the big deal.

Cal Manchester knows how to schmooze.

I'm not gonna do your bidding, all right?

My followers count on me for real scoops, not desperate PR.

Yeah.

Well, we know you love spooning with big oil, feeling that half-chub just rubbing up against your back.

(laughs) But I think it's time to switch it up, brother.

We're gonna make it worth your while.

Oh, you don't have that kind of scratch.

Clyde: Oh... I have a reputation.

Well... we gave it a sh*t, right?

We came here hoping this would work out.

Well, appreciate your time.

(camera shutter clicking)

Whoa! Whoa, what's that, hmm?

That-that's for my blog.

Fat Fucks Making Backroom Deals with Ex-con Businessmen dot-edu.

Edu-- it's an educational Web site.

It's a place where you go to learn stuff.

Okay. Cool.

Oh, no, no. I'm not making a deal with you.

Yet, we have this photograph...

You see your silly face in it?

It's right there.

So, maybe you did.

All right, I'll drop a blind item after lunch.

Oh. What's he dropping?

He's gonna drop a blind item after lunch.

Hallelujah!

More raw cow for everybody!

Clyde: Ugh! God, dude.

Uch!

(overlapping, indistinct conversations; music playing)

Whoa!

(laughs)

Okay.

(indistinct conversations, phone ringing)

(laughs quietly)

Jeannie: Hey.

Hey.

191.

Only nine more points, and I'm out the door. Yay.

Forget it. I mean...

Um, I... (clears throat) .. was gonna tell you I have an ultrasound appointment later today.

Unless you need me...

Oh, we got it. It's no sweat.

Okay. And... obviously... you're invited.

I mean if you can or want...

Is... I mean, is everything okay?

Yeah. It's routine.

You can... get there yourself?

Yeah. (laughs)

That's not the problem.

Okay.

Okay. Great. Great.

Hey! I am f*cking pregnant, you cock sucker!

Mr. Andrews?

What do you mean, he's not in school?

(quietly): Oh, f*ck.

No, of course, I had no i...

No, I had no idea. I'll...

Yes, I'll talk to him.

f*ck me, man.

(indistinct male voice over P.A.)

Come on, Roscoe.

Hey, Pop.

Um, I think I'm just gonna go in there on my own, okay?

Let's just say our good-byes out here.

(indistinct male voice over P.A.)

Okay.

Yeah, I don't want you to have to see that.

Hmm. Oh, yeah?

But this moment right here is going right into my memory scrapbook.

Listen, um...

I'd give anything to not have to miss this time with you.

When I get out, I'm... I'm gonna make it all up to you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Gonna get in those driving lessons.

Um, take you to see whatever new, dumb Hunger Games movie is out.

I'll take you shopping, wherever you want.

That's just crazy talk.

(both laughing)

You're all that matters to me, you know that.

Remember you can trade smokes for almost anything inside. (Laughs)

Okay. Good tip, Al Capone.

All right.

All right, love you.

You, too.

Uh, Dad, uh...

I just wish you didn't have to go.

I know.

Hey...

Hey, it's gonna be all right, okay?

Okay. Come on, give it up.

(SUV door opens)

Jeremy: That was k*ller.

And Roscoe got some.

Oh. Oh, you know, a gentleman does not kiss and tell.

Oh. I don't see any gentlemen here.

You sluts.

(laughter, door opening)

Oh.

Hey, Dad.

(Marty laughs)

What up?

(laughter) What are y'all doing?

Homework?

Pokémon cards or something?

We're just hanging out.

Just hanging out?

Yeah.

We should do something.

Let's play a game. You guys want to play something?

We could play Scrabble or Parcheesi or-or...

(laughter)

Risk-- that sounds right.

Dad, just chill.

Okay. Oh, it's all right.

My bad.

Gotta play something.

Come on, let's play, um... what did I do today instead of going to school?

Dad, everyone...

Eh-eh, eh...?

I got a call from the headmaster-- talked to some other parents, too.

We're outy.

Yeah, we, uh, have that math prep thing.

Marty: Oh.

Really? That sounds like such a lie.

You guys sure you want to take off?

You don't want to hang out?

It's gonna be awesome!

(door opens)

I mean, we're gonna talk all about individual responsibility.

(door closes)

(sighs)

Nothing, huh?

Do you know that I believe in you, Roscoe?

No.

Well, I do, okay? I really do.

But all this business-- it's got me really worried.

What do you want?

What do I want?

You have no idea, do you?

Mm... want me to take sh*t more seriously?

I want you to be happy.

That's it.

I want you to be as happy as you can, as much as you can.

But you're not happy.

Yeah, well, I'm working on it.

Long time ago, my whole happiness mechanism got broken pretty badly.

Happiness mechanism-- that's not a thing.

It is. It's a thing. For me.

You're having another kid.

Dad, you... you don't even acknowledge it.

I mean, what does that say about your happiness?

I would love it if we could just talk about you right now.

But you don't know anything about me.

So, I...

Where-where should I start?

Just start.

Start anywhere.

You'd be surprised how little I would ever judge you.

Did your parents know your every move when you were my age?

(scoffs)

No. Definitely not.

So, you did what you wanted.

Yeah. And look how great I turned out.

Hey, listen, man. Listen.

I'm here, okay?

Really not perfect, but... I'm here.

Oh, and, uh, hickeys take about a week to fade.

Okay.

Doug: Oh, hey, Jeannie!

Jeannie, have you got a second?

Yeah. What's up?

Yeah, look, um, I was just talking to Kelsey, and, uh, she said she made you an offer to come in-house for their company.

Delusional bitch.

Doug: Okay, I think we need to talk about your anger issues, buddy.

Oh, I think you should shut the f*ck up before I punch you in your face.

It's not your fault.

If you want a hug, I am here any time.

Ugh!

Yeah, normally, I love to listen to you guys talk about your feelings and your periods, but I... today, I'm gonna...

Oh, no, no, hold on, hold on.

Jeannie, Jeannie, wait. Uh...

The reason I bring it up is because she seems to think that you're seriously considering it, so, uh, you might want to talk to her and let her down gently.

I am seriously considering it.

What are you talking about?

Why would you consider that?

Hold on a second-- are the money issues here worse than Marty's letting on?

No, it's not that.

Okay, so, why would you be seriously considering it?

(laughs)

Okay, well, since you Sherlocks haven't caught on, and you're gonna find out eventually, um, Marty has asked me to leave once the Gage business is wrapped up.

What?!

Clyde: For real?

What? Marty seriously...?

Yeah, Marty seriously.

No.

Uh-uh, no, I can't accept that.

That's ridiculous.

That's like breaking up the Beatles.

We're not the Beatles. We're the Beatles, Jeannie.

Think about it. Marty's John.

Uh, Clyde's Sir Paul.

Nice!

I'm George, the quiet seeker.

Uh, sorry. I'm Ringo?

No. No, no, no, no.

Oh, pfft... No, I'm not Ringo.

(laughing): You're not Ringo.

Calm down.

You're the girl who's often associated with the Beatles.

Aw! He just called you Yoko!

To your face, he called you Yoko.

Yeah. The white Yoko.

The white Yoko?! Oh, wow.

Who's gonna do all your work?

And ethically-questionable flirting with the clients?

I'm gonna miss you, too, Clyde.

Oh... listen, I know that...

Doesn't mean that I want you to leave.

Let's not do this right now, okay?

Yeah.

I mean, are you gonna take that job?

I don't know.

Before you do, if you do... let me talk to Marty.

I'll give him some tough love.

We're kind of cut from the same cloth...

No!

No. I appreciate it, Doug, but, um, there's nothing you can do.

No. Okay. (clears throat)

Oh, captain, my captain...

Whoops.

Clyde, come on.

(snaps fingers) Clyde, come on. Doesn't work if it's just me.

Oh, I don't know. I think it's working great.

I'm actually a little touched.

But I'm now gonna get back to work.

(sighs)

Clyde: Hey, captain, you want to jump down, or are you good up there?

sh*t!

We're gonna need a new Yoko.

Yeah.

Okay.

Will anyone else be joining you today?

(clears her throat)

I'm good. Let's just get started.

(quiet whirring)

This all looks good.

She's almost in position.

(heart b*ating over monitor)

You want a jpeg for your Facebook page?

(laughing): Facebook?

f*ck, no.

Uh...

No.

Sorry... this is a stock I have to watch.

Has to do with whether or not I have to leave my company.

(sighs)

I have another offer, but my partner is also the... well, the dad.

Did I mention that?

No worries.

You just concentrate on making this baby.

It's really hard to know what the right move is.

I mean... if the father of your child were angry, but it was hurting the both of you, what would you do?

Geez.

That might be one for your friends.

Right. My friends.

Yeah, I'll-I'll ask them.

(ringtone playing)

Hey, Doug.

Broke 200, huh?

No, it is.

It-It's... it's great news.

Doug, I can't talk right now, okay?

I got... Yes, all right. Bye.

(phone chimes)

Holy sh*t.

♪ So you come a long way ♪
♪ Huh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, but you'll never have me ♪
♪ Never have things for a normal life ♪