06x07 - The Wild One, Forever

[bunniefuu]

Okay, we're all boarded up for the storm.

[ Thunderclap ]

Ah! And it looks great.

I am loving all the new artwork, Jules.

Thanks. I thought I'd make hurricane prep fun.

That one's my favorite. It's like Tom is right here.

Tom: I am! It's pretty nasty out here! Aah!

Grayson: Whoa!

Andy: Oh, ho ho!

Oh, that wind is vicious.

Yeah, but not as bad as the grocery store.

There was only one pack of toilet paper left, and me and this crazed housewife reached for it at the same time.

Tell me you took that bitch down.

[ Wind whistling ]

Ha!

[ Claps hands ]

Still... I feel like there's something missing.

Are you perhaps looking for... these?

Ohh!

Aah!

Yeah!

You are almost sexy right now.

I mean, seriously? I got bit.

Mmm.

Jules: Ugh.

That was a wild night, but we made it through.

And nobody behaved badly expect for everything that Jelly did.

I warned you guys-- when I fear for my life, I kick and scream and yell and I tell people exactly what I think about them.

Still, I am sorry for everything that I said.

And did.

I'd be mad if I wasn't so impressed.

Ugh.

How is the damage out there?

Well, it looks like we lost a tree and gained a new patio set!

Score!

You're holding hands? What, is the world ending?

No, it's just all the chaos and destruction in town makes me feel romantic.

If we had walked over a power line, Andy might've gotten lucky right there and then.

Ooh! [ Laughs ]

Wow, sounds like the power's still out almost everywhere in town.

A pipe burst and flooded the gym at the high school, and they were having their prom tonight.

So I called the school and I said, "Prom's on tonight, free of charge, right here at Gray's pub."

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

Laugh it up. I have to close the bar early and fill it with streamers and balloons for a bunch of kids who aren't paying a dime.

It's so funny.

Sucks to be you right now.

It does. [ Gasps ]

Oh, Jules, is there a small detail you might've left out?

I signed us all up as chaperones.

Oh. They don't seem very excited.

I'm sure they'll be better when they realize they can just stand around and drink all night.

Oh. Well...

Oh! They can't!

Because the high school's making me take all the liquor out of my bar for the night!

It'll be fun?

I will k*ll you.

This whole prom idea is so lame, right?

Well, it depends on who you were in high school-- a pasty young dork with more zits than friends, or a dashing babehound with dance moves so smooth they almost sent a teacher to jail.

Mrs. Pritchett loved my dancing so much that she asked me over to give her a dance lesson. Hmm.

I wasn't ready to do the kind of dancing she wanted to do.

Wow. High school me would've hated high school you.

If we're doing this, we should do it right.

Chaperones are prom secret service.

It's like I keep trying to tell you, Boo-- stop talking to me.

Look, tonight won't be so bad.

All we have to do is stand around.

I'm gonna act like I did at my own prom--

I'll be aloof and above it all and judge everyone.

You'll seem different, but not.

Yeah.

Guys, none of us are gonna take this that seriously--

I now take that back.

[ To tune of "Bridal Chorus" ]
♪ prom, prom, prom-prom ♪
♪ prom, prom, prom-prom ♪

[ Gasps ] Prom!

Yikes.

Dudes. Weak.

How come I'm the only one who's in the prom spirit?

'Cause you're the only one insane enough to think that we're gonna jump aboard your crazy train.

Ellie, I caught some of that, and I don't think I liked it.

You know what sucks?

The fact that I'm the only one that is weird enough and goofy enough to take this as a chance for us all to have a little fun ourselves.

That's what sucks.

[ Door opens and closes ]

O... M...

Gigi freakin' Fernández!

[ Both giggle ]

My baby has no sh*t at a normal life.

♪ Prom-prom-prom, prom prom-prom-prom, prom, prom ♪

I think it's sweet.

The car's out front when you're ready.

Aah! Oh! [ Giggles ]

You're welcome. We're so glad you came.

Now go get crazy! It's prom!

Whoo! Prom!

If these kids get half as crazy as I did at my prom...

Tell me about it. The things that went down at my prom...

♪♪

Please don't get pregnant!

Sometimes "I love you" is just a trick to get your dress off!

[ Sighs ] Laurie, you know, I thought I'd be the only one getting dressed up.

But then there you walk in, looking amazing.

A little slutty, but mostly amazing.

You, too. When I walked in and I saw you in this dress, I was like, "Ah! Soul mates!"

You know, since the day we met, I spent most of my craziest times with you.

Oh! Like the time we broke all the penises off the statues?

[ Laughs ]

Or when we went bar hopping and we stole that scary cop's g*n?

[ Gasps ] Or when we broke into Tom's house and we locked his girlfriend in the closet?

Wow. We sound totally insane when you string 'em all together.

You ready for another crazy adventure?

The crazier, the better!

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

So, like, normally, this is the moment where I would pound my drink and then smash it against the wall, but I'm kind of at a loss here.

Would these help?

[ Gasps ]

Soul mates!

Party in the bathroom stall, y'all!

Oh! Isn't it great that you can still get crazy when you're a mom?

It's time to put the popular girls in their place.

Hey, catty cheerleaders, you want some real gossip?

Your jock boyfriends are all in love with each other.

Ellie, I am trying to focus on my job.

Me, too. You think this dumb prom's gonna mock itself?

Prom is not dumb!

It's a beautiful night of magic and wonder.

And sometimes, a poor kid's life is destroyed forever.

But that won't happen here.

Oh, no! Not on my watch!

It sounds like you're working through some stuff.

I'm gonna leave you to it.

And I gotta get back to my thang.

Hey, bet you 5 bucks that 5 years from now, that condom will still be in your pocket.

You get it. He's not gonna ever use it.

It's not that heavy.

Do I need to make fun of "Star Wars" or something to summon your angry nerd strength?

I'm fine.

[ Strained voice ] And anyone who makes fun of "Star Wars" is just revealing their own cinematic ignorance.

[ Chuckles ] Nerd speak.

Whoa.

I don't remember having that in my storeroom.

Yo, guys. What's going on? [ Chuckles ]

Why aren't you out at the party?

The thing is...

We're in a weird situation.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

I get it, fellas.

It's okay. I mean, look, you're 17.

Life's crazy right now, and the one thing you can really count on is your best friend.

It's natural to kiss a little.

You know, just see if it feel all right.

Dude!

We're not gay. We didn't kiss.

Uh, duh!

[ Laughs ]

I did not kiss my best friend in high school either.

At all. Ever.

We are always pulling back a strange new layer on you, aren't we?

This is just the greatest night! Isn't it, Laurie?

[ Drowners' "A Button On Your Blouse" playing ]

How long have we been holding hands?

Huh. Wasn't that fun? [ Chuckles ]

Why don't you go spend some time with your friends now?

[ Gasps ] These kids are so happy.

They even gave me a nickname--

"That lady who saved prom." [ Laughs ]

I even made a love connection.

I found a lonely guy and a lonely girl, I put 'em together... and now they're dancing.

It's a weird dance.

It's like they're trying to smother a fire between their crotch.

So what have you been doing since I lost you?

Gettin' crazy?

Yeah. No, I mean, I was.

But then I remembered that I left my purse over here so I came to find it.

That's the end of the story.

Hey, it's early. Let's go have some fun.

Go without me because I need to catch my breath after all the... purse excitement.

No way! We're a team!

Also, you may have to rescue me in case anyone pulls me into a dance circle.

That is my biggest fear.

Well, that and... [ Whispers ] clowns.

What about a dance circle made up of clowns?

Ooh.

♪ why don't you just come around ♪
♪ and undo another button on your blouse? ♪

Boy: [ In distance ] It's going down.

At 11:00 sharp, we shank the dork.

♪ I hate the thought of you missing out ♪

Who-- who said that?!

No.

Oh, please, no.

So what's going on?

All right, so there's this girl here tonight that I really like.

Same with me.

Oh, that's great! Perfect wingman situation.

Two bros, two babes--

Yeah, it's the same girl.

Ohh, that is less great.

Her name's Kim. She's new at our school.

I'm really into her, so I asked Pete to go talk to her and find out her situation.

So I did.

I went up and asked her if she had a boyfriend, and she said, "I do now," and then she winked at me.

Traitor!

I didn't mean for it to happen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys.

No need to let a girl get in between two best friends, especially when there's an obvious answer.

Very obvious.

This one goes to Pete.

Adam.

No, dude, that is Adam.

Dude, that is Pete.

Can you give us a sec?

Live it up, football jocks!

It's all downhill from here.

Oh!

It's going down! I just heard!

Here, tonight! It's going down!

Nice dress. Did your mom make it?

Listen to me, damn it!

I didn't see them, but I heard their plan.

"At 11:00 sharp, we shank the dork."

Ellie, some poor kid's getting pantsed!

No, this can't be happening. Not now! Not again!

Boo, you got your crazy face on. A-are you all right?

[ Sighs deeply ] 1987. Senior prom.

I was so excited.

I had a cool tux, a hot date, and a plan to help my best pal Bucky Martin score a dance with the girl of his dreams.

Bucky Martin? Sounds like a stud.

He actually wasn't.

Stop it.

But I knew he could be, if he-- if he just believed.

And then when I saw Cindy Lee standing alone at the punch bowl, I grabbed him by the lapels, I said, "This is it. Your time. Bucky time. Go get her."

He looked so cool walking over to her.

So brave.

[ Breathes deeply ]

She looked up and saw him and smiled.

♪♪

They were so fast.

[ Whispers ] Jocks always are.

♪♪

It was a half a second before Bucky's pants hit the ground.

[ Fabric drops ]

He just froze... [ Laughter ] ...standing there in his little white undies.

The laughs were deafening.

He turned to me, his eyes pleading for help, trembling...

I did nothing!

I couldn't even get out "Bucky!"

[ Gasps ]

He turned around and ran, his pants still at his ankles, until he was out the door.

And I never saw him again.

Until Monday at school, when I saw him again.

But he was different.

He would never be the same. The Bucky I knew was dead.

And now it's happening all over again.

Not if we stop it.

I was excited about my prom, too.

I had the cutest vintage YSL jumpsuit.

And when I got there, the nuns got all weird because my date was a 28-year-old Wall Street banker.

[ Voice breaks ] They kicked me out.

I ended up going to this mansion party that was, like, a thousand times better all-nighter.

But still, I didn't get to dance at my prom.

I never knew.

I'm so... [ Sighs ]

28? Really? He was 28?

Come on. We have a magical night to save.

W-was it your date's mansion? 28?

Chad, Kristin, lookin' good!

There's my lovebirds. [ Laughs ]

♪

Ooh! They may need a hose!

Hey, Jules, maybe we should hang back.

You know, like, give the kids some space.

They love us. We saved prom.

Also, we're super fun. I think the kids can sense that.

It's kinda like how dogs can hear loud whistles.

♪♪

[ Cheering ]

Dance circle.

[ Cheering continues ]

Uh, no, thanks. I'm good.

I'm not really cut out for a dance circle, so...

Boy: Shake it! Shake it! Shake it!

But Jules and Laurie are!

What? How?

We're going in!

Laurie, this is why I love you!

I can do anything when I'm with--

Laurie?

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

Alone in a dance circle.

No way out.

Unless I get tough and dance my way out.

[ Cheering ]

No.

I'm gonna die in here.

All right, we have to move fast.

We don't know who's behind this and we don't know who their target is.

But in a pantsing plot, the story's always the same.

Jerks versus dorks.

You find the losers here and get them to safety.

I'll sniff out the punks and the troublemakers.

But mark my words, by 11:00, all dorks pants will be standing.

[ Sighs ] God help us.

Oh, Ellie, while you're out there wading through all the jerks, please stay focused.

You know how you get weak around bad boys.

Oh, please. No one here is over 18.

Oh, that guy looks like he's over 18.

I'll be careful.

What the hell?

You left me alone in a dance circle.

I was trapped in a ring of clapping strangers who wouldn't let me go unless I busted a move.

I have no moves to bust!

What happened back there?

I don't even know.

What's going on?

Huh? You've been acting a little strange all night.

You made that comment about still gettin' crazy even when you're a mom.

It just got into my head.

Then we went into the bathroom to drink, and crazy girls in these crazy dresses...

[ Chuckles ]

...about to pound a giant bag of wine, and I saw myself in the mirror...

[ Laughs ] I only saw the ceiling.

I was like, glug, glug, glug.

Sorry. Continue.

I have a baby at home.

And here I am, in this slutty dress, ready to party my ass off in the bathroom of a bar, acting like...

Like your mother did when you were a kid?

She was the Ultimate Party Slut.

And that's not coming from me.

That was an actual title she won in Daytona.

You think Adam should back off?

Duh. Check the Magic 8 ball, buddy.

[ Gasps ] All signs point to Pete.

Adam liked Kim first.

Well, too bad. Kim digs Pete.

That's because he stepped in with the c-block.

Pete stepped in because Adam was too much of a wussy to talk to Kim himself!

Ahem.

We'll be right with you.

Yeah, you guys good? Want a soda or anything?

Grayson: No? Great.

Why am I the only one looking out for Kim here?

She wants tall, cool Pete, not lame, weird Adam.

You don't know the first thing about Adam!

You don't know the first thing about Pete!

Hey, guys, do you like role-playing games and stories with dragons?

Get out of here now, please! Run for your lives!

I'm hosting a trunk sale outside-- cigarettes, bad lite beer, and urine samples so clean you'd swear it was from the math club.

Parking lot. 10 minutes.

I think I'm having an asthma att*ck.

Leave now if you value your pants.

Just go. Go.

Dude, the cops are coming to... [ Inhales sharply ]

I can't lie to you. Let's just... get in your car and see where the night takes us.

Laurie, you're nothing like your mom and you never will be.

[ Sighs deeply ]

Where is your baby right now?

He's at home with a sitter.

Where would Baby Laurie have been if her mother was out at a bar, partying?

In her purse.

At the bar.

Jules, I know I'm not like her.

I just...

I wanna be a great mom so bad that...

I'm afraid I'm never gonna be able to have fun again.

Of course you can.

Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you have to change who you are.

All you have to do is...

Girl: [ Giggles ] Let's go dance.

Girl #2: Yeah!

Trust your instincts. Mm.

Laurie, you're a mom.

And not just because you have a baby.

It's because of who you are and the love that you have in your heart.

I've seen the way you hold him.

And even when you go out and you get a little crazy, the thing you're gonna be most excited about is to get home and see your son.

All my mom ever wanted to do at the end of the night was go to an airport hotel and see if any hair bands were staying there.

She once took her top off in a hot tub and caused a fistfight between Kip Winger and the lead singer of Quiet Riot.

Please don't tell me that you--

Poolside in her purse.

If I close my eyes, I can still hear them arguing.

My God, she was not a great mom.

It sounded like she had great boobs, though.

She did.

Mm.

But you're right, Jules.

The end of tonight, the thing that I am most looking forward to is getting home and being with my baby.

I know.

Come here.

Oh.

Mm.

Jules... is this hug a display of affection or are you just drinking wine?

[ Mouth full ] 'Splay of 'fection.

Adam is not lame.

He may not be tall and good-looking like Pete...

Mm-hmm. You got that right.

But-- but he's deep, interesting, and he's tired of cool guy idiots acting like he's inferior.

If Adam had a fair sh*t, Kim would've seen his substance and known he's the better guy.

Oh, so Pete isn't smart and has no substance because he's cool?

Well said. I agree.

That is so unfair!

Cool guys can be deep, too.

You know, you cut them, they bleed.

And if you call them dumb, they hurt.

But then they put on a t*nk top, and everything's okay, so...

Uncool guys do not have a monopoly over feelings.

Hey, where you guys going?

Out to the party.

We settled the Kim thing on our own. We're good.

Also, this got weird when it became about the two of you.

Later.

About us? [ Chuckles ]

What are they talking about?

No idea. They're weird.

Totally. Totally.

[ Exhales deeply ] It's actually a nice little party.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Pretty nice.

[ Nick Mulvey's "Fever To The Form" playing ]

Listen, Trav, I know we give each other a hard time, but truth is, I don't really think you're a nerd.

Well, thanks.

Hey, and even though I may imply it or flat-out say it, I don't think you're shallow or dumb.

Thanks.

You totally think I'm a nerd.

Huge nerd. Huge.

And you totally think I'm shallow and dumb, huh?

So dumb.

But, uh, you're all right.

[ Pats arm ]

Nerd.

What's that about?

Andy: No idea.

[ Chuckles ] That's weird but... kinda sweet.

No, it isn't. It's just weird.

Check it out-- three cute girls and our boy Adam thinking about making a move.

♪ reasons ♪
♪ oh, my fever to the form ♪

Adam: How's it going?

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

♪♪
♪ oh, fever to the form ♪

Andy: Uhh! Uhh!

[ Grunts ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Laughter ]

♪ singing "Give me more" ♪
♪ 'cause you were never empty ♪
♪ and we've been here before ♪

[ Laughs ]

Andy's fun.

Yeah. I love those boxer shorts, too.

Mm-hmm.

[ Laughter continues ]

Quite a night. [ Shivers ]

I didn't-- I didn't know I had it in me.

But when duty called, I found the strength to be a hero.

I only hope one day, both of you get a chance to know how that feels.

Actually, I was a lifeguard one summer in high school.

And I saved, like, 15 people from drowning.

Well, I'm a brain surgeon, so I've saved two or three... hundred lives.

Oh, those-- those-- those are good stories, too.

Oh, yeah, but how did you stop that guy's pants from being pulled down?

How did you pulled that off?

I didn't know I had it in me, but when duty called, I found the strength to be a hero.

It was all adrenaline...

[ Indistinct talking continues ]