04x08 - House of Cards

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Now, Emma, say "daddy."

Come on. You can say it.

It's just "da" with a "D" on the end of it.

"Dada" is also acceptable.

Just keep repeating it.

Kids say what they hear all day.

Thats why I'm pretty sure my first words were "I'm sorry, officer."

Okay, people, she is on the move.

Sondra just texted and she's on her way down.

Bro, I don't think I can break up with her, man.

She's not gonna take it well.

Oh, I know.

Tell her I moved, or... or d*ed, or d*ed on the move.

Dude, calm down.

Just do it like we rehearsed, where, may I say, Danny played a spot-on Sondra.

(Mimics Sondra) Oh my God, Tucker, you're adorable!

I'm adorable! We're adorable!

A-dor-able!

Hey, we're here for you, man.

(Knocking)

Go! Go! Oh, God!

(Sighs)

Oh my God, I was just gonna text you when you texted me.

It's like we're on the same wavelength, which is weird, 'cause we are not, at all.

(Laughing nervously)

Yeah, about that...

Tucker, we need to talk.

Hey, that's my line.

It's not you, it's me.

Hey, that's also my line.

Tucker, can you pay attention?

I am breaking up with you!

Oh my God, that wasn't as hard as I thought it was gonna be.

So, see you around the building.

What just happened?

Wow, we did not rehearse that version.

Dude, you are so lucky.

You get all the benefits of breaking up, but all the sympathy of being dumped.

God, I envy you!

What is wrong with me?

I can't even keep somebody that I don't want.

I'm pathetic. (Mimics Sondra) Pathetic!

Actually, tuck, it's more like... (High-pitched) Pathetic!

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction ♪

Man, I don't think this is working.

My lap is wet, my boys are numb, and I'm still depressed.

Ice cream sucks.

Yeah, I agree, but Mr. Romantic comedy over here thinks we have to eat our feelings.

And how'd I get stuck with Sherbert?

Sherbert never fixed anything.

"I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love me."

Gets me every time.

I just wish I knew why every relationship I'm in ends in complete and total failure.

Maybe you're looking in all the wrong places only to realize that the perfect girl was right there, all along.

Maybe she was the best friend at your best friend's wedding?

Wow, you totally got dad's genes.

Actually, these are mom's.

Don't worry, Tucker.

Okay, you just haven't met "the one" yet.

Well, you've met the crazy one, the weird one, the one-you-weren't-even- sure-was-a-girl one.

You just haven't met the one one.

Yeah, I have.

Olivia Jones.

We went out in college, and she loved and left me.

It's kind of becoming my life story.

You should make that into a movie.

They already have.

It's super romantic until the end...

(Whispers) When she dies.

"101 ways to please your man."

If you need more than one, you're doing it wrong.

Oh my God, I'm so glad you're home!

Well, that makes one of us.

I really, really need to talk to another woman, and none of my girlfriends are around, my mother's in Europe, and my mom-aunt is on tour, and my sister, well, ugh, I hate her, so... here I am.

Well, obviously, I'm flattered.

This guy at work who was hired after I was just got promoted.

This is just a theory, but is he a better lawyer than you are?

No.

And it's totally unfair.

Because Jeremy is always taking his frat buddies to clubs and expensive lunches with his corporate card while I sl*ve away at the office, and use my card for actual business!

Just like, like yesterday, when I took my client, Jill, for a latte.

But, do I get promoted? Oh no!

Meaning no matter what I have up here, I will never have what he has down there.

Great speech. Yes, and really good stuff.

Listen, cupcake, why do you think they gave you a corporate card in the first place?

To get out there and drum up business!

Okay, when one of those frat buddies accidentally kills a hooker in Vegas, who do you think he's gonna call?

Housekeeping?

No!

No, his lawyer, Jeremy.

If you want to get ahead, you need to start playing by their rules.

I need to k*ll a hooker (Groans)

No!

No, you need to reel in the big fish!

Okay, trust me.

You gotta schmooze 'em and booze 'em, or you're gonna lose 'em.

I don't even know where to start!

Where do I go? What do I do?

Okay, first off, just pull yourself together!

Ow!

But, more importantly, why don't you take me to lunch, and we can just bounce around some ideas?

I'm thinking Chez Lumiere.

Ooh, that place is really expensive.

Well, then it's a good thing you're not paying for it.

God, you're slow.

Hey, Ben, guess who that is.

No idea.

It's Tucker's ex-girlfriend Olivia.

I found her online!

Why'd you do that?

We're getting them back together.

Why would we do that?

Because she's the one that got away, the love of his life!

It's nearly impossible to get over someone if you've loved them your whole life.

Oh, you mean like me and Riley?

Yeah, that could be what I mean.

Do I get credit for helping?

Totally.

God, Tucker's lucky to have us.

Olivia, hi, I'm Ben Wheeler...

Hi.

...Tucker's best friend.

It was my idea to bring you here today.

Oh, this is so weird. Are you sure he even wants to see me again?

Well, you're hot, so I'll go with yes.

And he's desperate, so I'll also go with yes.

I don't know. Tucker was sweet.

He just never really had a sense of direction, wasn't much of a go-getter.

Well, he's totally going and getting stuff now.

He's a super successful producer on a big TV show.

To be honest, we both look up to him.

That's figurative. He probably hasn't grown since you've seen him.

Mrs. Lobster, I'm sorry.

Your husband won't be making it home tonight.

He had a late dinner.

(Laughing)

Here's to corporate cards.

That was butter.

I know that now.

Doesn't it feel good to be splurging like the big boys?

Well, it's definitely easier than k*lling a hooker.

I do feel a little guilty.

Hey, I could be your client someday.

Things don't pick up in the real estate business, I could sue this place.

All it takes is one hot coffee spilled on your lap, and...

Oh, damn it!

I really did spill coffee!

Oh, thank you.

Oh my God, it's actually not that bad.

Oh, that's just the tax.

Perrin?

Mr. Reynolds, hi! Oh my gosh, hi!

I'm just finishing up, and I will be back at the office in no time.

I don't even know why I'm here.

Well, don't look at me for answers, I drank my lunch.

I can see you're entertaining a client here, so take all the time you need.

Although, fair warning, if it's Bob from the Thatcher case, he'll drink you under the table, and you'll end up in bed with his wife.

(Laughing)

It's... it's not.

Hey, Perrin, you play golf?

Um, not really.

I told the other partners you weren't a lesbian!

Hey, you keep up the good work!

Who was that?

My boss.

And he told me to keep up the good work.

As in, I'm doing good work. As in, this is working!

Well, if work we must, may I suggest we continue slaving away over pedicures?

Well, it would be criminal not to.

Cheers!

Tucker, we got a surprise for you!

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Last time you two had a surprise for me, we had to call animal control.

Dude, this is even better than the ferret, and I highly doubt this surprise will die in your wall.

Tuck, you don't need to be sad and lonely anymore!

We found Olivia!

Olivia?

Wait, my Olivia?

She broke my heart, my spirit, and my stereo system, all in one day!

Okay, maybe this isn't better than the ferret.

You guys don't get it.

She's not just my ex-girlfriend, she's my ex-wife!

Your ex what?

Actually, that's not true. We're still married.

Hello, Tucker.

What do you mean, we're still married?

What do you mean, you were married?

Am I the only one that feels like I missed a crucial piece of the story?

I fell in love my senior year of college.

And I was about to get deported, so Tucker offered to marry me.

So she could get a green card, not run off with a bartender named Alfredo the second she got it.

Oh my God, I love a twist. What happened next?

I filed for divorce. End of story.

Was it?

Yeah, it turns out I actually forgot to sign and mail those papers.

God, I knew that little mistake would pay off for me some day.

Yeah, well, those are getting mailed in today.

Okay, fine. File for divorce.

I'll take half of everything you have, which, according to these two dingoes, is a lot.

Now, which one of these rooms is ours? I'd like to do a quick little inventory, because, you know, after all, what's yours is mine, and what's mine was yours.

What have you done?

All right, look, I don't want to point any fingers, but this was all Danny's idea.

Thank you!

Finally, I get some credit around here, man!

Now this is why I became a lawyer.

I always say, if you're gonna kick out that glass ceiling, do it with bedazzled toes.

(Cell phone rings)

(Gasps) Oh, oh, it's my boss!

Hello, Mr. Reynolds.

Why am I not back in the office yet?

Um...

Chatty. Chatty potential client that I am wooing right now.

So much woo going on, yeah.

Yeah, he's... he's big!

He's a huge client.

Yes, he's a swimmer... a mouthbreather... oh. Oh, he's a fish!

He's a big, big fish, sir.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Can you hold on for one second, Mr. Reynolds?

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

He wants to meet my potential client and help me seal the deal.

What am I gonna do?

How should I know?

This was all your idea!

Why can't you just lie and pretend that you have a client?

Mrs. Wheeler, I can't just pretend...

Oh my God, that's brilliant.

Hello, Mr. Reynolds, I am so sorry about that.

My client was just... Getting onto his helicopter.

Yes, uh-huh.

What was that?

Right. Yes, sir.

How about I set up that meeting for tomorrow?

Great, I will see you then.

Okay, bye-bye, now.

Yeah!

Huh?

Tucker, we're sorry, but how were we supposed to know she was a nightmare, wrapped in a catastrophe, covered in sexy?

You know what our mistake was?

Telling her how awesome you were.

You know how to fix this? We tell her the truth.

(Scoffs) That I'm awesome?

(Scoffs) No.

Follow my lead, okay?

Hey, Olivia.

Look, we lied to you.

Tucker's actually a loser who has nothing.

Yeah, you got that right.

These watches are knockoffs.

Yeah, look at him. He's pathetic.

He sent his friends out to find him a girl.

Guilty.

Da.

What is that?

Uh...

That... that is the reason Tucker has no money, because all of it goes to his daughter, Emma.

You want me to believe that's your baby?

What are you saying?

What? That I can't have a white baby?

Now that's just r*cist.

(Mouths)

Dada.

Oh my God!

Oh my God, you said "dada"!

I can't believe you finally said it!

Tucker! You must be so happy, man!

I am!

So proud...

Oh.

Of my white baby.

Hi, Tucker. I feel really awful about what happened.

Well, I feel surprisingly fine. Bye now.

But I'm here to take you back.

Give Ben back his baby, so I can hug you!

Who is she?

I'm his wife.

His what?

You were cheating on your wife with me while I was cheating on my husband with you?

You are a horrible person! Horrible!

He is all yours.

Thanks, but I don't need another broke loser in my life, so I guess I'll divorce him after all.

Well, he owns this apartment.

By law, you get half of that.

It's how I got mine.

Okay, new plan.

I give you a divorce, and you give me this apartment.

Oh, hey, is it cool if we stay?

I got a kid.

And I'm on the road a lot.

You won't even know I'm here.

Hi. I need you to be a fake client for a real crisis.

And I need you to be a real lawyer for some fake documents.

When?

Tomorrow.

No good.

When do you need me?

Tomorrow.

No good.

You know what this means.

We need the wheelers.

Both: Damn it.

I'll take Ben.

I guess I'll take Mrs. Wheeler.

Rock-paper-scissors for Danny?

(Chuckles)

Oh, fine, I'll take him.

Okay, now remember, you are the rich, silent investor... emphasis on the silent.

And you are the hipster, techie genius who's an introvert.

That means you don't talk either.

Oh, here he is.

Okay, please, please, don't embarrass me.

Oh!

Wow. Smooth move, Perrin.

If someone slips on that, make sure we represent them.

Just what I was thinking, sir.

So, these are... the guys.

They are huge, huge bigwigs in the tech world, but they're talking to a ton of other firms, so who knows if they're even gonna want to sign with us.

Hey, Perrin, unless I read your contract wrong, you don't get paid by the word, so shall we let these guys talk?

Or me?

Um, you guys have any questions?

I did when we started, but technologies change so quickly, they are now obsolete.

Okay.

Actually, Jason, I've got several questions.

First of all, how many attorneys do you even have in your intellectual properties department?

And, confidentially, we're making an I.P.O. In the next few months, so I need to be sure that your firm has a background in securities, as well.

That's a good question.

Um, what would you say the market value of your I.P.O. Is?

You know what, Jason?

I don't want to waste your time.

We're going with Wasserman & Peterman.

They just feel more... real.

Oh, they're real. I totally understand.

Because I prefer real clients, as well, considering you're a New York ranger.

I have season tickets, okay?

And you, you're the genius who always gets my order wrong.

Oh yeah, Mr. Scotch and Soda.

It's gin and tonic.

Argh!

Mr. Reynolds, I can explain.

I think you should explain it to H.R.

I think we're done here.

Mr. Reynolds, I'm so sorry I lied. I promise it's not what you think.

Oh, really?

I think you used the company card to buy some lip gloss and maybe cocktails out with the girls, and you got caught.

I knew you were a lightweight when I met you.

Whoa-oh-oh, well, you know what?

I knew that you were a pompous jerk.

Okay, so I took a friend to lunch...

On a yacht.

But, you know, what is the difference between that and golf and Martinis with your buddies?

Uh, nothing, I say.

Except, perhaps, a penis!

Yeah, that's right. I said it!

Because all the guys at the firm do it, and all of them get applauded.

No, no, no, they get promoted!

Just like your darling Jeremy, who, by the way, does the perfect impression of you looking for you car in the parking garage.

"Has anyone seen my 'Porsch-uh'?"

It's "Porsche," okay?

But does Jeremy get fired?

Oh no, because Jeremy is just perfect!

Meaning he's a guy, and you all just stick together.

(Applause)

And that's not for me.

Um, actually, Jeremy was fired this afternoon after we reviewed his expense report and the elevator video of him imitating me.

Did I mention that I am a huge "Porsch-uh" fan?

I think we're far past the ass-kissing phase here, but I like spunky Perrin.

She should show up in the courtroom!

She's the woman I want to believe I hired.

Oh, you did, sir, you did.

Well, the jury's still out, but make sure that woman shows up to work on Monday morning.

Oh, and Perrin, just so you know, I am now driving a "Jag-u-ar."

What?

You said "penis."

(Laughing)

As Tucker's esteemed attorney, esquire-at-law, counselor, pro Bono, ipso facto, we would like to settle this thing as quickly as possible.

You get the apartment. He gets the divorce papers.

Mint?

Tucker, I can't believe you're being so reasonable.

You know, I came to this country with nothing, and now I'll be a homeowner.

It's the American dream.

And now Tucker will be a 25-year-old divorcee who rents.

It's the American reality.

(Laughing)

Well, Tucker, it's been nice doing business with...

You!

I can't believe you were married the whole time we were together!

But now you're gonna pay for cheating me and our country.

What'chu talkin' 'bout, Sondra?

Your roommates, regular and extra large, told me all about your little green-card marriage, so I called immigration, and guess what?

They're on their way over now.

You are getting deported, and you are going to prison.

Prison!

Wait, wait, wait, you're getting me deported?

I can't go back to my country! I'm wanted for 16 counts of...

Well, doing this kind of thing.

Need a good lawyer?

Oh, wait, you know what? That's my yogurt punch card.

You know what? I gotta get out of here.

Look, you can have the divorce papers, just pretend you never saw me.

Okay, deal?

Deal.

(Door slamming)

What about me?

I can't go to jail!

You know I can't pee if someone's watching.

(Mouths)

Why would you do this to me?

Because you're the one.

I didn't actually call immigration.

I was just helping you get rid of her.

Wasn't I great, tickle-bear?

Wait, wait, so we're back together?

I know! I'm really excited, too!

Oh, hey, Sondra. What happened here?

Well, Olivia's gone, and I get to keep Sondra.

(Half-heartedly) Yay.

Look how happy he is!

He's crying!

Wow!

You started off in a relationship, then you got dumped, then you got married, then you got divorced, then you got back together with Sondra!

Man, you can't write this stuff!

Danny, are those my jeans?

Emma, what's my name?

Dada.

You are just the smartest, sweetest, best baby in the whole world.

I'm serious, man.

I think I might get her tested for genius... Ness.

Who do you love, Emma?

Dada.

Oh, way to go, Emma!

Dada.

Hey, at least you can skip the genius test.