10x07 - Mac Kills His Dad

[bunniefuu]

A tragic ferry accident today-- apparently a ferry rammed into the shoreline at full speed near a local power plant there. There are multiple fatalities and injuries reported at this hour.

Dee: That's really depressing, and how do you lose control of a ferry? They're slow as sh*t.

Mac: Guy must've been drunk.

Dennis: Yeah.

Frank: Hey-yo! Check out my new threads. Picked them up at the airport.

What were you doing at the airport?

I don't know, just farting around. I found this shop full of this stuff.

Look at that!

I got some for everybody.

"Life is happy"?

What the hell is that?

Well, it's-it's clothing that supports a positive message.

I mean, you wear it and you celebrate that life is happy, baby.

In other news, a man is in custody for m*rder of a state witness who was brutally beheaded by an assailant wielding a stop sign.

A man seeking justice is beheaded by a maniac with a stop sign.

You're right, Frank, life is happy.

The suspect in custody is a 59-year-old repeat felon by the name of Luther MacDonald.

Holy sh*t-- that's my dad!

If convicted, MacDonald could face the death penalty.

Can you believe what they're saying about my dad having k*lled that guy?!

Yeah.

Charlie: Yeah, why-why wouldn't I believe that?

No way.

This has got to be bullshit. He's innocent, and I'm not gonna let the State k*ll him. I'm gonna save my dad's life.

Thanks for coming with me, man.

Well, you're forcing me to.

Yeah, well...

So I'm here.

Of course, of course.

We got to show support for my dad, right?

We got to let him know that we know he didn't do it.

I know, but I believe that he did, so...

Well, are you gonna be cool?

I'll be cool, you know, as long as he doesn't ask us to shove heroin up our ass again, I'll-I'll be cool.

He might and I might do it.

Well, you would enjoy it more than I would.

Uh, here he comes. Oh, here he comes.

Oh, Dad! He looks great, huh? Dad! Da-Dad! Hey! How are you?

It's been so long! Look!

I-I brought a picture of Mom here just to make you feel more at home.

She looks good, right?

And, uh, me-- what about me?

How do I look? Do I look cool?

Give it a rest.

Do I look cool?

What do you want?

Uh, we-we just wanted to come by and tell you that we believe that there is no way that you did this.

You didn't do it, right, Dad?

No.

Right. I knew it! I knew it! Another innocent man being railroaded by the system! Besides, there's no way that you could've done this. You have a bad shoulder and that's why you could never have a catch with me, remember?

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, Charlie and I just want to let you know that we will not rest until you are proven innocent.

Look, I got a lawyer appointed to me.

It'll be fine.

No, uh, uh, sorry, uh, Mr. Mac, uh, you really don't want to put your life in the hands of a public defender. I mean, those guys are absolute clowns. I tell you what-- I'd be interested to take a look at your case, you know, if-if you want a little outside help. I specialize in bird law mostly, but I know my way...

Stay out of this!

Both of you! I do not want you stirring things up! You hear me?

Yeah, I-I-I-I-I hear you, Dad.

Um, one last thing, though. I love you and I...

Oh, I love you! I love you, Dad!

I love you!

He can't hear me because of this...

Uh, he definitely heard you.

And the glass is too thick.

I think there's something... something wrong with that.

Yeah.

Uh, all right.

We're now being told the ferry captain was intentionally trying to steer the ferry into the nearby power plant. The captain has tested negative for alcohol and dr*gs.

The guy wasn't even drunk!

This was a sober man purposely steering a ship into a power plant. Oh, God, the world is a very depressing place.

You guys are depressing.

I'm trying to enjoy my cone over here.

Turn that crap off!

(door opens)

Yeah, baby! There they are! The usual suspects!

Pondy! Just the man I want to see! Now, this man loves life!

I'd love to get into some sh*ts.

Line them up, Frankie! Line them up!

Now we got some positive vibes in here.

You are his AA sponsor, right?

Never change, Dee.

I love it! Come on!

Do a sh*t with me. Come on-- sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

I will say I feel like a sh*t might make me feel better.

I think I need to do a sh*t at this point.

All right, to the brim.

Let's go, Frank, all right.

Yeah, you're looking pretty dapper there, Bill-- you hittin' it hard, or what?

I'm celebrating today, baby.

What's the special occasion?

I'm gonna k*ll myself.

What?

Yeah, no, no, I'm gonna drink myself to death. Yeah, I botched it.

Life, you know? Old B.P. had a good run, though, you know? It's like there's this tiny little soul man in my body driving me around.

That little soul man's ready to power old Bill down and move on to the next party monster.

Aw, come on, you guys own a bar, right? You watch people slowly k*ll themselves every day, am I right? (laughs, coughs)

Keep it open.

♪ ♪

Charlie, this is a huge waste of time.

No, no, no, no, this is standard procedure.

They do this on every crime show.

You know, the m*rder police come down to the scene of the crime and they find some blue-collar guy and they talk to him while he's working.

Let's just talk to this guy over here-- he could know something, right?

Why would he know anything? He's moving crates from one place to... (clicks tongue)

Will you just listen to me?

All right?

Excuse me, sir, uh, do you work here?

Yes.

Please, don't stop your work.

They never do on TV.

Go ahead and place that bag down.

Uh, now, are you familiar with the beheading that took place here last week?

Are you a cop?

No. But, uh, I do work on the behalf of the accused.

I'm taking care of his interests and whatnot.

This is his son, uh, Ronald.

You're Luther's kid?

Yeah. That's right, bozo. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn't get the death penalty, all right?

Is that a thr*at?

Why don't you tell us what you saw.

I didn't see either of those guys, okay?

There was more than one guy?

I said too much. I don't want any trouble, okay?

Well, then stop giving us trouble, and tell us if there was another guy.

My lips are sealed, guys.

Then unseal them, or I'll unseal them for you!

Hey, hey, hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't thr*aten this guy.

thr*aten? I wasn't threatening him.

How do you not know what a thr*at sounds like?

Oh, you mean the "lips" thing?

Yes, the "lips" thing.

Charlie, he's got words in his lips-- I needed to get them out.

I know the words are in his lips-- I saw them in there.

Just let me... you know, let me coax them out.

Otherwise, you're gonna freak the guy out, all right?

Just let me handle it, okay?

Sir, your lips are fine. I...

Great. That happens to us way too much.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

I mean, I don't really care that much about Bill, I just don't want him dying in the bar. We've had too many deaths...

We should probably try not to have another one.

We got to show Pondy life is worth living.

Right. I'm not real excited about Maureen being a part of this, but yeah, we'll do it.

Ah.

W...

Hello, Dennis.

Oh, God. Maureen, what's going on with your face?

What have you done?

I've had a few surgical procedures to enhance my natural beauty.

You look like a cat.

Yes, exactly.

Cats are beautiful.

Where are your breasts?

Oh, they're in my face.

Great. Um, I don't really have time for this sh*t, so, have you gathered Bill's family for us?

(meowing): Me-yes.

You kids remember Uncle Dennis?

He came to talk to us about something important.

Go ahead, baby.

Yeah. Uh...

Are you two getting back together?

Oh, no.

I think so.

Uh, no, never.

Uh, uh, okay.

Um, listen, you guys, your dad-- he needs your help right now.

He's in a pretty tough spot.

I don't call him "Dad."

I call him Mr. Cocksucker, 'cause he sucks so many cocks Weird.

Uh, I'm not going to call him that, okay?

I'll just refer to him as "Bill," I guess from now...

Yeah.

Okay, so, listen, here's the thing.

He is at our bar right now drinking himself to death.

Oh, that's fantastic.

What? No, that's not fantastic.

The man's trying to k*ll himself.

If he dies, we get money.

When I get my money, I want to buy a new cell phone.

I'm gonna a g*n, because I'm the man of the house.

Oh, sh*t, no.

This kid should not have a...

No. No, no. Please.

We're trying to show Bill that life is worth living.

Your dad loves you.

No, he doesn't.

Oh.

Yeah.

Has he not said it? Because I'm telling you, he just...

He does.

No. He told me. He said, "I do not love you. You're a punk." He called me too fat to be a slut, and tried to serve me an omelet with cocaine in it.

Listen, guys, this is about forgiving Bill, your dad, okay?

It's not about blaming him.

No.

Oh, I blame you, too.

You and and the other hookers he slept with.

Hold on a second. I'm not...

I'm not a hooker.

I never have been.

Nah.

You're a hooker.

You're a fat slut!

(screaming)

Oh, oh. Oh, okay, all...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

And you... you ruined his sister with the divorce, and look at her face.

She looks like a cat.

Cats are magical.

I kind of like...

I mean, maybe you could get some fur. Yeah.

Oh, I like that idea.

What are you talking? No!

Do you think you could do a tail?

I don't see why I couldn't do a tail.

Don't-don't... No.

Yeah. You could go full cat and start wearing humans on your sweatshirt.

No one is turning themselves into a g*dd*mn cat with my money! Can we focus here?

Let-Let's... let's get back to showing Bill that life is happy.

Bill's a lying, cheating, drug-addict piece of garbage, and we all hope he dies.

Yeah.

(buzzer sounds, door opens)

Hey, Dad, hey, um, so, I-I know you told us to stay out of it, but, but we found out that there was another guy.

Also, we got a stop sign and recreated the m*rder, and there was no way that you could have swung that.

Actually, I kind of jacked my shoulder up a little bit.

The way that you...

Do you realize what you've done?

No. Yeah. No. I told him, Mr.

Mac.

I said, "Hey, stealing a stop sign-- that's a felony," and as your counsel, I did advise against it.

I'm talking about you going to the crime scene.

Word's out my son is intimidating witnesses.

Now, that makes me look like I'm guilty.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Your dad'd be a good lawyer.

His idea.

But, look, the point is, we found out that this other guy exists.

All we need to do is get his name, and then I can rat on him.

Do not be a rat!

Stop... trying... to handle it, or I... am going to have to handle you, okay?

Okay, Daddy.

Oh.

I love you, Dad.

Oh, let it go. Let it go.

Oh... it's just I thought maybe...

Yeah.

It's not broken.

No. Yeah, it's working fine, isn't it?

No, it works.

He seemed a little... he seemed a little upset.

All right... plan "B" here.

I got an idea.

Why don't we check the guest record, right, because maybe that guy came to visit my dad?

Oh, the other guy signed in?

Yes.

And, uh, that's a good point.

Luther MacDonald visited by... Bonnie Kelly?

Holy sh*t!

Well, that's the same name as my mom.

It is your mom.

Nah. I'm sure there's plenty of Bonnie Kellys.

You know, they probably all sign their name with those weird, squiggly lines, and...

Cursive? Are-are you talking about cursive, dude?

Uh... cursive?

Cursive. Everybody can under...

Okay, look it doesn't matter...

We have to figure out why she came to visit my dad.

And why is she signing my mom's name?

g*dd*mn it...

Hey!

Bill, we want to talk to you.

We got to talk.

Hey, you guys see this?

It was another ferry that ran into the power plant.

Copycat crime.

(Bill laughs)

Hilarious, right?

No!

No. There are black and white areas in life, Bill, and that's a... that's a black area.

Uh, look, turn it off.

We want to focus on the positive in life now, Pondy.

Yeah, yeah, which is why we're all wearing these ill-fitting T-shirts.

Yeah.

Right.

Okay, we want to show you some reasons why life is worth living.

Yeah.

And, Dennis, you're up.

Okay, so, uh, I like a good mani-pedi.

Uh.

Yeah, I like... I like a good, healthy nail. I love one.

You know, you get your... you get your nail beds clean, you get your cuticles pushed back, right?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's great.

You get your hangnails all trimmed up... by one of those nice ladies over there.

You know, a lot of those are sex workers.

Yeah, the gals at the nail salon there-- yeah, they're prostitutes.

They're trafficked in.

Usually in shipping containers.

I mean, they're, like, crammed in there, you know, like-like sardines, shipped with sardines sometimes.

Oh.

It's ugly, but the point is, those ladies doing your nails probably tugged a guy off right before you.

They ship 'em in in shipping containers?

That's depressing as hell.

Uh, uh...

g*dd*mn!

All right, Dee?

Me?

You, you're up, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, Bill, you know, for me, uh, really it's just the simple things that I like in my life, like a moonlight walk or a-a cozy, warm nap.

Or a delicious, ripe piece of fruit, you know?

Oh.

Mmm.

The, uh, sex workers use fruit during the act.

What?

Yeah. Yeah, well, the citrus masks the taste of a dirty penis.

(sniffles)

In fact, 95% of fruit has usually been in someone's orifice before it even reaches the market.

Okay. Okay, I'm done.

He's ruined fruit for me, so I'm done.

You've made fruit depressing.

All right, well, I got this.

Okay, all right, what makes me happy is, like, you know, at night, a ride around town in a limousine, partying, having a good time.

When I'm on my way home, I'll pass a bum.

I take a balloon with some champagne in it, lob it out and bean him.

He only gets a little bit in his mouth.

He doesn't get the whole thing.

Right.

Not even a full sip of it.

And you say, "Hey, how do you like a taste of the good life, you sack of sh*t?"

(Bill and Frank laugh)

Hey, that's a...

God, that is awful!

That is a horrible thing to do to another human being!

g*dd*mn you!

Hey, get over here, Frank.

Get over here.

Well...

Okay, that's it, I'm done.

All right, this is depressing as sh*t.

I'm not doing this anymore.

In fact, I'm starting to think that his family was right.

You guys, what if we took out a life insurance policy on the guy?

I mean, if he's gonna do it anyway, we might as well make a little money off of it.

Hmm, that's dark.

Yeah, I know.

But can you take a life insurance policy out on anybody?

Does it work that way?

Mm, it's a gray area, but I think I got a guy, I could twist his arm, we could get one.

Okay, I say we embrace the gray area of life, okay, because what we're doing is not working.

What, the state can m*rder somebody without them even wanting to die but a grown man can't k*ll himself if he wants to?

A man should be able to end his life if he wants...

He's a grown American man.

We're American.

Aw, to hell with him.

We tried. I give up.

Great, Frank.

Glad you're on our side.

You're a terrible sponsor, by the way.

Yeah.

Okay, so why were you visiting Luther, Mom?

I went to go...

She don't know nothin' about nothin'.

Look, we know there was another guy in on this, all right?

So, come on, anything you can give us.

He was staying here for a few months.

He was here for a few months?

Mom, why wouldn't you tell me that?

Mm.

Okay, well-well, was he here on the night of the m*rder?

Uh, no.

Mom, don't lie, okay?

Okay, yes.

Quiet, Bonnie.

No, no.

Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.

I can't lie to my Charlie.

Good! Tell me everything.

Okay. They were both here.

They were both inside me.

Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.

Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything.

What? No! What?!

Damn it, Bonnie.

Eduardo who?

Sanchez.

Holy sh*t. Tell us more.

Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.

Tell us less. Tell us less.

Then they both "completed" on each other.

I-I was left out of the finale.

And then Eduardo went out and then he k*lled somebody and then... th... Well, that's all I know.

Jesus g*dd*mn Christ, Mom.

If you know that, just say that.

Don't tell me the whole thing about banging every single guy that comes in the house.

If you just know about-about the m*rder, just say the m*rder part!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, this is crazy.

You guys know what this means?

That my father was trying to establish dominance, and that's the only reason he was in his butt or...

What are you tal... Why are you focused on that?

Well, it's about power.

We have our guy now.

I feel like we should make that known, that it's about power, okay?

Let's not make any of it known.

We got to go to the police.

Don't be a rat.

All right, look, Mrs. Mac, we're not gonna rat, all right?

We're gonna figure something else out.

Good?

Mm.

Okay, you're off words again.

Great. Uh, and, Mom, don't bang every guy that comes into the house.

How 'bout that?

Okay, I won't, sweetie.

Okay.

It is my gift to you.

This is... this is great.

Thank you.

Guys, guys, guys, we've had a major break in my dad's case.

What's Ponderosa doing here?

Oh, he's, uh, gonna drink himself to death, so we took out a life insurance policy on him.

Oh, cool, yeah.

Pretty dark, though, right?

We've been over this.

We've justified this already.

Don't worry about it.

We're okay with it.

Fair enough.

Uh, turns out that Mac's dad didn't k*ll the guy.

No, there was another man in on this.

Yeah, it's gonna look really bad if I rat on this man Eduardo Sanchez, so I can't say his name.

Uh...

You just did.

You just ratted him out.

You said his name.

By the way, another guy being there doesn't mean that your dad didn't do it.

He might've done it with the other guy.

Oh, no, uh, my dad established dominance over this man.

All right, well, let's not...

Oh, what-what does that mean?

What's this?

Uh, there's some weird prison sex going on.

He may or may not have been a power bottom.

The bottom line is he talked his lover into doing the m*rder for him.

Not his lover, his prison bitch.

Hey, what if I confess? Hmm?

What?

Yeah, I could take my own life while saving your dad's.

Everybody wins.

Well, yeah, except everyone would think that you decapitated a man with a stop sign.

Ooh, even better.

Oh, that'll really embarrass the wife.

Okay, I like where this is going, but I got to bring something up here.

Um, if you were to do that-- and I don't want to be crass or, you know-- but how would that affect, uh, the...

Oh, we still get the money.

Yeah?

I bought the most expensive policy I could.

Great.

Let's go confess, baby!

Yeah.

I can't... I'm sorry.

I just... I don't get how it's dominant if they finished on each other.

How is that dominant?

It's dominant because he finished first.

Then he allowed Eduardo to finish.

No, you're making that up.

You don't know that.

Oh, oh, there's Bill.

Oh, hey.

Well, I did it. I confessed.

Why aren't you in handcuffs then?

Weirdest thing, I'm sitting in the interrogation room, you know, sobering up a little bit, looking at myself in the two-way mirror and I kept reading this shirt.

Yeah. Yeah, I started thinking, "You know what, life is happy.

I want to live!"

Well, then what did you confess about?

Eduardo Sanchez.

That guy you were talking about?

Turns out he's some big g*ng member that they've been after for years.

Yeah, your dad's innocent.

Holy sh*t, my dad's gonna get off.

That means I'm a hero!

I did it!

Dad, Dad, we did it.

We did it.

Yeah, we did it!

They're gonna nail this Eduardo Sanchez guy and you're gonna walk free.

I saved you.

Saved me?

Yeah.

You buried me.

Now everyone in here thinks I'm a rat.

They're gonna k*ll me in here.

Because of you.

I'm-I'm sorry.

I still love you.

I don't.

(door buzzes)

He definitely heard you.

You know, he can... he can hear you.

He didn't mean that, though.

He was just upset.