01x03 - Episode 3

All episode transcripts for the three-part miniseries based on J. K. Rowling's book of the same name.
Based on J.K. Rowling's novel of the same name. Behind its cobblestone roads and beautiful abbeys, there's a w*r going on in Pagford. The village of Pagford is left in shock when a local resident dies suddenly. Pagford is left in shock, and his seat on the parish council soon becomes the catalyst for the biggest w*r the village has witnessed.
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01x03 - Episode 3

Post by bunniefuu »

So, Pagford is gripped by election fever.

As Mr Fairbrother's earthly remains were put in the ground, his "ghost" wreaked havoc among the candidates.

The for and against of Sweetlove House.

He knows a lot, the "ghost" - just which buttons to push - like Miles Mollison being his mum and Dad's meat-puppet and Simon Price nicking loo rolls from work and trading in stolen tellies.

So he had to drop out, though Miles is still in, because having massive man-boobs isn't a crime - not yet, anyway.

And I don't really buy Colin Wall being a pervert, because he'd have an asthma att*ck before he actually got round to anything pervy.

So, he's still in - even though Fats and Krystal did sexy-time in the library.

Love's young dream, eh?

And my mum, powered by too much wine, totally lost the plot with Howard Mollison, which means she could lose her job.

And the ghost seems to have disappeared for now - or perhaps he's just haunting someone else?


(Bell tolls)

Every vote counts, remember.

I'll try to join you after my disciplinary hearing.

And what if no-one votes for me?

Colin, people are going to respect you for standing up, aren't they?

For Christ's sake, no-one's going to vote for you if you hyperventilate all over them! Get a grip!

Your Puffa's in the kitchen.

Thank you.

I just don't understand why people get so tense.

I've got to go.

Doctor Jawanda?

He's a natural - effortless charisma.

It's going to be a landslide.

Do you believe in anything, Stuart?

I put all my faith in Doritos.

(Beep beep)

Printer's jammed.


For God's sake. Why can't it just work?

Have a super-fun day!

(Tess groans)

I said you were getting too involved with this, didn't I?

I said you were getting that look in your eye.

Oh, yes - because you're the expert in everything, aren't you, Vikram?

Well... it's not me who's been suspended from practise.

It's not my code of ethics that's being investigated.

You wouldn't know a code of ethics if it punched you in the throat!

You'd better vote tomorrow - and you'd better vote against them.

Bloody bastard Mollinsons.

I am having nothing to do with this.

I'm going to exercise my right to extreme apathy.

She's done a good job on that, then.

What's she taken?

Everything - all the money - £14.29... That was supposed to be to the end of next week.

My little telly, my clothes...

All that can be replaced.

Ain't the point.

I'll, er... I'll put a new door up. No-one will get in.

They'll have to break their leg before they kick it in, now.

I got some tools in the car, Krys... I'll patch it up, for now.

I can't do this any more. I just can't.

It's always going to be like this.

No, it won't.

Don't... do that, Mr Fairbrother.

Don't do what everyone else does.

Don't lie.

If I thought someone would adopt Robbie, I'd let him go.

I'd let him be taken.

He'd just get lost, He'd just... disappear.

Come to ours, for the night.

I'd only have to come back.

I'm staying here.

Here it goes, whoop!

You go and get yourself chips and a pie, or whatever.

Get your tea.


Want some?

Yeah, I'll have some.

Red sauce or brown?

Both... and a gherkin.


They're like green knobs.

Come on, Rob.



I'm impressed.

Well done.

And you're looking better, Terri.

Yeah, I'm all right.

Told you.


Now, I'll see what can be done about the cooker and fridge.

Not bothered with no cooker. Microwave would be good.

Fridge would be handy, but...

Leave it with me.

Are you going to stick with us, Kay?

Cos we can't keep starting again, with new people.

Are you going to stick with us?

Yeah, I'm going to stick with you.

All right, then.

Good tea, by the way.

Oh, yeah, she makes good tea.

Give it a rest, the pair of you.

It's only a cup of pissing tea.


It's the work of the Fields.

Barbarians! Raise the drawbridge and lower the portcullis.

Restore order.

That's what you stand for, Miles - order, respect.

I'm a solicitor.

People trust me with their wills!

Just get rid of it, please.

I mean, I'm sorry, but really?

"Soapy tit wanks"?

We're going to win, son!

Eyes on the prize!

He hasn't got the stomach for it, you know? The cut and thrust.

He's not you, Howard, is he?

They broke the mould when they made you.


Look at his face.

Right... here we are.

No need to come in. Thanks for the lift.

There's no need to look quite so eager.

You got your own way. That's fine.

That's what being a girl is all about.

But you don't need to look quite so eager.

Knew you'd do this. Make a big thing about it.

Well, it is a big thing, actually.

We'll text you when we get there - and stop bullying Granny.

It's so mean of you.


(Bottles clank)

Do use a glass, dear...

Drinking from the bottle? Next stop, a park bench.

You're back sooner than I thought.


Do you mind telling me what you think you're doing?

I'm checking your history - online.



You think I'm the ghost.

Well, you do have a gift for sabotage - as witnessed by that disastrous dinner party - which, by the way, I have decided to forgive you for.

Oh, well. That's very kind.

Miles persuaded me. He does get rather upset.

Always was a sensitive, loyal little lad.

He's 43.

Well, it seems you're in the clear.

Did the girls get off all right?

Oh, yeah.

They'll have a lovely time.

What it is to be young, eh?

You've been telling the girls that I bully you.

Oh, good heavens. Where on earth did you get that from?

From them.

Oh, Samantha.

You're imagining things.

They did mention, though...

They wondered if you were...

Well... thinking straight.

I know you've tried so hard, but perhaps it was too soon?

Maybe you should go back to the doctors?

You'd prefer that, wouldn't you?

Me slurring my words.

Just trying to help, dear.

(Door opens door shuts)

Would you like me to run the Hoover around?

Give everything a little bit of a wipe? I don't mind.

Why are you doing this?

Well, I'm a friend - and you know, I actually find domestic chores rather calming.


Why are you doing it? Saving Sweetlove House, why?

Oh. Well, it's what Barry would have wanted.

It's what k*lled him... that house.

Keeping that house going - that obsession with the estate - and running around after Terri Weedon.

She was the nail in the coffin.

He felt... you know? Responsible.

Everyone grows up next door to someone. It doesn't mean you have to look after them for the rest of their blood-sucking life!

Shall I put the kettle on?

Do you know, when I bought that TV for us, he was angry?

He said it was an obscene amount of money to spend.

But he spent £600... on a new door for their house.

£600, on Terri.

I found the receipt.

I think... if "it" hadn't k*lled him... we might have split up - divorced.

"It" was an aneurysm - nothing to do with anything else.

Oh, it was.

It was!

And if you win, it'll k*ll you, too.

I'm not going to win.

The best I can hope for is to get a few votes, so it's not completely...

They're not voting for you, Colin. They're voting for Barry.


Are you going to vote in the Parish Council Election, tomorrow?

It's my husband, he really cares about the community.

Colin Wall. Have you got someone else over 18 in your house?

Vote for my husband. Vote Wall.

Just put your tick or cross in the box. All right?

Be good.


Don't even think about mucking around, cos I'll know.

Kid's group is at 11, OK?

You'll be all right, Mum.

I trust you.

Rock, paper scissors, cheese.

OK. Shall we do it again?

Rock, paper, scissors, pebble!


A pebble makes it all bad.

I never noticed before. It's full of Weedons.

You're everywhere.

Well, we were, once.

We're on the w*r memorial, too - Weedons.

You look. Both wars.

That means we're in history.

History's bullshit.

You reckon everything's bullshit.

Nearly everything.

Not here.

Not in front of... them.

It's not right.

It's nice, here.

Sort of like a... a glade.

Like in stories. An enchanted glade.

Used to be me and Arf's place.

Not any more.

Now he's got that pathetic job.

Only doing it so he can get up that Gaia, or whatever her name is.


Why can't he have a girlfriend?

He'll get no joy, there. She's frigid.

Reckons she's all that - all "London" - like she's something special.

How do you know she's frigid?

You try it on?

I extended the hand of friendship.

You fancy her?

Well, you know I would. She's fit.

I just let you do me.

Come on, that was good, Krystal, but... we don't own each other.

No-one can own my thoughts. You can fancy who ever you want.

You can f*ck right off, Fats - you and your thoughts.


You stay here and have a wank about that Gaia, cos I've got shit to do.

Actual, real-time shit.

"Real-time shit". That's brilliant.

You said I was authentic.

Look, come on. Just chill.

This is the first time we've hooked up without the kid, don't ruin it.


His name's Robbie.

All right, Robbie, whatever.






Hold on!

I was thinking you might like to come round for dinner?

Now that you and Stuart are going out - girlfriend-boyfriend - I thought it would be nice.

I'll do a roast?

He's binned. Dumped.

Cos, not being funny, right, Miss Wall - but he's a cock.

Yeah, well...

All over, then?

That's rather a shame.

Yeah, right.

I think you might have been good for him.

You're wasting your time. No-one votes round here.

Some might.

Every vote matters.

I miss our talks, Krystal.

Come and find me, when this is done.

We'll have cake.


(Sticks clack drumbeats)

You know, I always used to think that Barry was punching above his weight, with Mary.

She was so poised and well turned out.

She's really let herself go.

She loved him, didn't she?

Have you got enough waiting staff for Howard's party?

It's all in hand.

Don't you worry.

"Don't you worry,

"Mrs Mollison".

Howard Mollison is going to get the shock of his life!

What so many people have been saying to me, about you...

He's really going to get the shock of his life!

I really think we can do this.


I really do. I feel pumped!

Aw, k*ll me now.

His ego's taken a bit of a battering.

Oh, come on, Stuart. Let Mummy give you a great big hug.

Come. Come on. Come.

What? No! Get off me!

Oh, come on.

You're deranged! Get off me.

What is it, menopause? Just get off me...

(Fats giggles)

Most blokes are arseholes.

Don't need them.

You know, there's plenty more fish in the sea.


That's Venus.

How do you know?

I don't know, I just do.

But that's Venus.

And I know others, too. There's... the plough and seven sisters and... there's some other shit.

I'll show you, when it gets darker.

Right, shake hands, you two.

May the best man win.

I would like to say, as secretary and treasurer, that it's a truly historic occasion.

Of course, we all feel the most tremendous responsibility towards Sweetlove House.

And how do you feel about the vote today?

It's a privilege to be making such a decision for Pagford's future... (Applause) .. our children's future.

As long as those children have affluent parents - eh, Howard?

Hello, Sir - a little bit? No?

Complimentary Wall campaign spliff?

No? Anyone?



Pass on that one, yeah? Vote Wall!

I hope you lose.


The passion still burns.


(She chuckles)

Oh, Howard.


This way. This way, please.

Remember to smile.

Hey, my father, ladies and gents.

Remember that, when you make your mark.

By their children shall you know them. See you!

When you've knocked around the world as I have, you see things for what they truly are.

You make your own choices in this life - and if you make the wrong one, blaming the world is weak.

We just think you should come home, now.

He doesn't mean it.

We all have to try harder - to understand him.

If you could just not be so difficult...

He just wants us to be a happy family.

See you later, then?

Four lattes and three babychinos?


My dad, right?

He reckoned himself a right player.


Is that why you moved?

Nah. Change of scene.

Thought we'd give the land of white people a try.

Andrew, your dad's a shit, isn't he?

(Fats whistles)



All right, Gaya?

It's "Gaia".


You know how to treat a girl, Arf - bring her out to the bins.

Something I said?

My break's over.

Yeah, mine is.

Hey, I just got here.

Come on.

We always said that no female would get in between us, as mates.

You've got Krystal.

That's just shagging.

It's not even that - it's having a wank inside someone.

(Fats chuckles)


Just don't.


Pizza Face...
35 spoiled ballots.

Colin Wall, 197.

(Cheering and applause)

Miles Mollison... 198.

(Cheering and applause)

No time to waste. All councillors, including the newly elected, if you please? Ha-ha!

One vote.

Just one vote.

You did so well.

I mean, look at the state of this place.

You are going to have to do something about it, you know?

Come on, Miles. Keep up!

Come on, Mollison.

Come on, everybody. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Those in favour of continuing the Legacy?

Those against?

Miles, the deciding vote, if you please.

What bloody difference does it make?

There we have it.

Pagford begins a new era.

Sweetlove House is yours again, to do with as you will.

Good. Excellent.

You've made the right choice.


I told you we'd win.

Well, you didn't need to tell me. I knew all along.



(Phone vibrates)

What is it?

It doesn't matter.

Simon Price to the manager's office, please.

Simon Price to the manager's office.

You're wanted.

Where's Maggie?


I'm Hannah. Take a seat.

Sorry. Public sector lunch.

I'm changing your caseload.


No children under the age of 13.

This isn't fair.

I was thoroughly investigated.

All of my notes, every single one of my actions and my recommendations and I was completely exonerated, I did everything I could...

It's not personal. It's smart practise.

Cases like that happen all the time.

Think if it were to happen here and you were the caseworker.


And what about my families?

The Weedons, they've just started to trust me and it's such early days.

They're reassigned.

I have a meeting. Excuse me.

Can't I at least do a handover, so that they don't feel dropped?

Look, I'd rather you didn't.


I told them that I'd stick with them.

Well, you shouldn't have done that, should you?

You never make promises. You know that.

Had fun today?

Don't say much.


It's all right. Most people's chat is bare dry anyway.

Look, I've got to go. Sorry.

I'll see you tomorrow then, Andrew.

We're celebrating. I got promoted.

It's down to me to work out who's going to get redundant.

I'm management, now.

What happens when everyone's made redundant?

You think you're a right intellectual, don't you?

What's going on here, then?

I don't know.

What is that? What's that say?

It's been relocated.

Will I have to go to town?

I'll come with.

No, no, it's all right. You've got... what's-her-face coming -


So you got to stay in for her.

I can miss one.

I don't want to f*ck it up, Krys, all right?

I'll catch a bus.

All right, Terri?

Want a lift?



Terri Weedon?

Who the f*ck are you?

Oh, you must be Krystal?

Hi, I'm your new social worker.

Go to jail...

(Simon cackles)

Happy families(!)

Trying to ruin everyone's fun, clever dick?

Come on, roll the dice. Community chest. Come on, come on.

"You've won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect £10".

That ain't going to happen, is it?

(Simon laughs)

My next project is to find Miles someone new.

Someone we can work with.

Bit soon, isn't it?

That marriage was d*ad for years.

Look at you.

Still as handsome as the first day I laid eyes on you.

Thank you, Thank you. Never been anyone else for me.

Go on, fetch The Birthday Jacket.

Yes, sir...

There he is. Da-da...

Music: Land Of Hope And Glory Happy Birthday, Dad.

I'm filling my boots!

Oh, look at this face, all sad.

This won't do.

You're not going to be on your own for long.

Thanks, Mum.

Mingle, mingle, mingle...

Mo! Come on, quickly.

Top up, top up.

Oh, thank you so much... and see everyone's got plenty, will you?

That's it, that's the way. Off you go!

Thank you very much.




Wanted to, er... say sorry.

Bang out of order, you know?

Been a bit... random... and, you know, you two are mates, so, er...

We can give that a try?

Sure, why not?

This is a bit proper man stuff, isn't it?

Hug it out.

Come on, Rob. Mum will be home by now.

We can surprise her with these chips.

You can tell her how extra good you've been.

(Heavy metal plays)

(He vomits)

You're so f*cking uptight. Why can't you just have a laugh?

You know, just for once in your life, have a f*cking laugh.


Come on!


It's OK, it's OK...

In you go, Rob.


(Knocks at door)


(Knocks at door)

Come on, open the door.

Need to talk to you.

What does he want?


I'm not cross about it, but we do need to talk about what you did.

You never grass, Krystal.


So we do need to talk about it.

All right.

But we'll see each other sooner or later.

Cos the thing is, Krystal... you've got nowhere else to go.

You! You! Here! Here!

This is for the Sweetloves!

Julia and Aubrey Sweetlove!

Do they want to drink warm champagne? No!

Fresh ice! Go on, quickly!

Samantha Mollison has definitely got the most amazing arse ever.


A word?


What do you want?

I think I've made it too easy for you.

And that's not me.

I want my husband and I want my children.

They're better off without you.

Shirley, you have to release the grip that your perfectly manicured little hand has on Miles' testicles.

It is just not healthy.

And you have to stop stirring the shit with Lexie and Libby.

Those poor, abandoned babies.

They weren't abandoned and they're teenagers, now.

That bond is so important.

But I suppose some people are just not meant to be mothers.

I was very ill when they were born.

I was really very ill and it has taken me such a long time to get better.

"It's not my fault, blame somebody else... I was ill, I'm a victim"...

But who stepped in?

You did - and I'm grateful, but you have to stop.

That bond was never there - so it's no surprise if they don't love you.

They just don't love you, dear.

You know, you're not a victim.

You're a failure - as a wife, as a mother...

You couldn't even sell whore's knickers in that ridiculous shop.

Will you go?

Let them be happy?


Just go back to the party, dearest. Let me deal with this.


Aubrey and Julia Sweetlove.

You do know they're not coming, don't you?

Come on, Sam. Let me take you home.

Where's Arf?

Gone to get more alcohol.

I need a drink of water.

It's strong weed. It's not for everyone.

I want to go home.

Get Arf.

No, it's all right.

I'm here.

(Glass shatters)


Bastard! Prick.


(Mo squeals)

Sh, sh, shh... Shh...

(Sheep baa)

Down, down!

(Shepherd whistles) Here.

Where are we going?

Going to see a nice lady, Rob.

Oh, I don't know where she lives.

I don't know where she lives.

I'm hungry.

Come on.

You'll get your breakfast soon, I promise.

Shirley, Miles will come round.

He always does.

Mmm. I'm making tea.

Bring us one.

My head is pounding. Thanks, darling.


Oh, Howard, look - this is sweet...

"Click here"...

'Oh, my king! Glorious. I love your peachy arse!'

(Mo moans and laughs)

'Oh, my king! My king! Glorious. I love your peachy arse!'

(Mo laughs)

My king!

Turn it off.

Turn it off.

For God's sake, turn it off!

Turn it off... Agh!

Oh, God!

It hurts!

It hurts so much.

It... oh!

(Howard wheezes)

Can't... It hurts...

Please, help me...

Please, help me...

Where we going?

We're going on an adventure, Robbie.

We are going to a glade - an enchanted glade, like in stories and hide out, like bandits.

A proper adventure. Just till everyone wakes up.

We need to work out what superpowers we're going to have.

Then we'll have breakfast, it won't be long.

Here, let's look in here.

Right, OK. You come here.

I've got to talk to someone, OK?

Grown-up talk, so I want you to stay here, don't move and be a good boy, OK?

Here's your digger. Here you go.

Good boy. I love you, Robbie.

Wake up. Wake up, Fats.

Why are you here?

We've got to go round your house. We've got to go and see your mum.

(Fats groans)


I did such a bad thing, last night.

Just listen.

You remember you said your mum would want to look after me and a baby if there was one?

I'd move in, and she'd look after us? Yeah?


Thing is, Fats, I'm going to have your baby.

You said your mum would want to look after us.

Me and a baby and Robbie.

They're going to go mental.

I swear it will be all right.

My life's ruined.

We won't be no trouble, but you have to take me to see your mum.


Stop, all right?

Stop talking.

I need... I need to think..

Yeah? I need time..


I can't deal with this.

You don't have to, just take me to your house, let me speak to your mum.

You must be joking! No!

Anyway, how do I know it's even mine?

It could be anyone's.

Ow! Ow, get off me!




Don't mess about, Rob.






Robbie? Robbie!

Right, we need to make some phone calls.

Do you want some breakfast?

Are you ready? Duck!

(Robbie giggles)

(Stereo plays dance music)

What the bloody hell...?

What's going on here, then?

Dad, I can't be late.

Shut up.

I don't want the children to see this.

It was me that saw her.

Isambard came and started barking and there she was, floating in the water.

All tangled up in an electric cable.

How unlucky can you get?

I couldn't believe my eyes.

When I looked in the water, there was this television set.

I mean, it wasn't even an old one.

It was a new one, above all.

Who do you think would throw a brand-new television into the river and a keyboard, of all things?

Fly tippers, disgraceful.

I'd string them up, I would.

I tell you, that's what I would do, string them up.

I know who she is.

Right, sir.

Well, if you could just wait here...

I thought he was going to drown.

He would've drowned, if I'd left him.

What was she doing, just leaving him like that?

You did what anyone would have done.

It's not your fault.

Whose is it, then?

Because it's someone's f*cking fault.

How could I have seen anything, or seen her? I was asleep!

What was she doing there? Had she come to see you, or me?

I don't know anything, I didn't see her.

You're lying.

I'm not!

Her things, all her belongings were right by where you were!

Tess, not now, this isn't helping, not right now...

Was she in trouble? Was she looking for me?

I didn't see her!

I told you to be careful with that girl!

I told you to be careful with her!

I don't know anything, Dad, I swear.

It's all right, son.

It's all right.

Oh, it's you.

Did you bring any milk?

It's most unfortunate.

Inexplicable, really.

Everyone knows the river is dangerous.

Swimming, I expect - or for a dare.

Impetuous youth, won't be told.

But it's quite the topic.

(ECG beeps)

I hope that won't stop people wanting to come to Pagford.

I really... I really think I'm going frantic.

You were just watching me.

You would have let me die.

I wouldn't...

I called an ambulance.

I was in shock.

You were just watching me.

You've been very lucky, Mr Mollison.

Your heart is strong.

Hi, Granny.

Mum, come on.


Get away, get away from me, all of you! Just get away. No, no, just...

Come on!

Get away!


Get away from me, all of you. Just get away.


It's all right, girls. It's fine, she's just...

I can't find what I'm looking for.

Well, I...

I don't know what it is that I'm looking for!


That's enough now, Shirley.

Let's take you home, eh?

Come on.

Music: Choir To The Wild by Solomon Grey Oh, it's lovely. I love it.

Why are you moving?

Pastures new.

I adore this village.

I really want to find somewhere we can just fit in.

Oh, I'm sure you will.

You look like Pagford people to me.

Oh, thanks. Bye.


Good luck.

Work hard.

Be just us, soon.

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