02x08 - Kirk Steele

[bunniefuu]

♪

Woman: Ohh... ah!

Man: Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Man: Yeah.

Oh yeah, oh, unh.

Oh...

Unh...

Ah... Mmm...

Yeah, that's a nice beach ball...

Oh, yeah, uh...

(Gasping)

Uh... uh... Oh...

Trey.

♪ Four and three and two and one-one ♪

You weren't eating those fries, were you?

Mm-mm.

Good, 'cause they're from last night.

Someone left them on the floor in the bathroom.

Head sh*t?

Uh, um...

You know, I don't have a head sh*t.

But I have a résumé, so...

Yeah, I don't need to see that.

All right, I'll just cliff notes it for you then.

Uh, so I currently work at a gym.

Upscale gym.

(Sipping loudly)

Uh, long-term, I'm an illustrator, visual artist...

Just let me cut you off right there.

This job, it's putting wristbands on people.

Honestly, a (Bleep) idiot could do it.

Oh, I'm a... I'm a huge (Bleep) idiot.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just don't think you're wristband material.

I'm cleaning pubes for...

I'm sorry, Daphne.

If you could just send the next person in that'd be great.

You're gonna rue the day that you said...

Okay.

I'm sure.

You're up.

(Phone vibrating)

Hi.

What's wrong, do you need me to come get you?

No.

I'm just going to be digging out other people's pubes till I'm a great-grandmother.

We'll see about that.

Meet me at the coffee shop.

I have a job opportunity.

Amber alert.

Urgency. (Phone beeping off)

Hello?

What coffee shop, what time, what?

Never any details.

I'm so sorry, I had to take that.

You made that call in the middle of our conversation.

Did I?

So I was asking, how's university?

College?

It... it was expensive.

Wonderful.

Okay, here's a list of your instructions for your Saturday with Oliver.

Now Oliver can't have any soy products, so you know, when in doubt, just go to Babbo or Nobu or Momofuku.

Yes.

YOLO, FOMO, tippy-tee.

(Chuckling) You are so funny.

Oh, but Ilana, please... don't get him a slice again.

Apologies.

There's $300 on the counter.

Let Oliver hold it, he needs to learn.

Okay, bye, Ollie.

Bye, mommy.

I love you, you are my sweet treasure.

I'm off to interview Desi Tutu and wax with Martha Plimpton.

What a bad bitch.

Ilana, look.

Holy moly, that is increds!

Good job, whew!

So how are you?

How "am" I?

Good god, bwah.

Last time I saw you, you were a toothless spud sitting in your own poop.

(Chuckling) I like when you babysit.

Ilana: Four Rs, my friend.

Reduce, re-use, recycle, Rhianna!

I'm sorry, ma'am, we can't reuse cups.

It's a health code violation.

Come on.

This is so gross.

Finally... Ab, Ab.

Nice to meet you, Abbi.

I've heard so much about you.

What are you, on the campaign trail?

Oliver, you're a child.

Give her a full-bodied hug and mean it.

Okay.

I mean it.

I mean it too.

Juice, my man.

Stand guard.

So, uh, this kid's parents know that you're watching him, right?

Yes-uh.

I'm doing more than "watching" him.

I am molding him.

Oliver is at a tipping point right now, okay?

If I didn't step in, he could go to Yale.

And then Yale law and then k*ll a stripper and settle out of court.

Jesus, Ilana, he's an innocent little boy.

Yeah, for now...

But if I don't do something, he could turn into another useless rich old white man.

Hm.

Why am I here right now?

Okay, all business, getting to it.

Ilana, I'm not watching p*rn in here.

First of all, everybody's watching p*rn in here.

Okay?

You got it?

Second of all, you need to trust me because you're about to experience the best moment of your life.

Okay, so I need to retrace my p*rn steps first.

I don't watch anything but solo p*rn because regular p*rn is like, "shut up, little girl, wash my feet!"

And she's like, "uh, don't tell my dad, okay?

'Cause I'm just barely legal.

I love shaved pubes and tan, crispy bellies and tits."

It's like, ugh.

So I started with average-size penis jerk.

Of course.

That led me to twins squirting, hello.

Which then brought me to frosted tips masturbation.

(Sighing)

Whoa, I just usually Google "p*rn".

That's probably why I really, really don't like most of it.

Um, I don't know, maybe you should just check your search history.

Oh my god, uh-doi.

Oh my god, get ready, bitch.

(Moaning)

(Chuckling)

Oh my god.

Oh...

My...

God.

Trey is in a p*rn!

Kirk Steele?

Hold on, Ilana. (Bleep)

So before Trey was my boss, he was a p*rn star?

So, so I'm taking orders from a p*rn star.

(Laughing)

I can't even believe this.

What do I even do with this?

I don't know what to do with this?

Use it, bitch.

Oh, yeah.

(Humming)

Trey: Abbi?

There you are.

I'm always looking for you, I love it.

(English accent) So there's a bloody (Bleep) spill in the spin studio.

(Chuckling) But really, there's a bloody (Bleep) spill in the spin studio.

Oh, is there?

Next level, yeah.

Oh.

And?

And I need you to clean it.

Oh, I would, but I gotta relax before I teach the 12:30 kick ass kettle bell class.

What are you talking about right now?

You know, I'm coming down with something, I think.

There's a lot of phlegm.

(Clearing throat)

Whoa, that is a lot of phlegm, isn't it?

Abbi, that trick is for after hours, okay?

Oh, is it...

Kirk?

Let's go to your office right now.

I don't have an office.

♪

Get in.

Trey, this isn't my office.

Yeah, it is, all your stuff's in here.

This is your snake and your cardigan.

All right, you got your tweezer and your tweezing mirror.

No one else uses this.

This is a picture of you and your childhood pug, all right?

Fine, it's my (Bleep) office.

Abbi, when you said, "Kirk Steele: A man on a mission, a (Bleep) mission", what did you mean?

Well, I just said "Kirk", but you have now confirmed that you are a p*rn star.

Thank you for calling me a star.

But Abbi, you can't tell anyone, all right?

I'll get fired.

Please, Abbi, you gotta swear.

What do you want, money?

No.

I'll go down on you right now.

No, what?

No.

I want to teach the 12:30 kick ass kettle bell class.

We can start there. That's Gemma's class.

I don't care.

Look, can't I just go down on you?

No, stop it.

I think it would be in your best interest...

Kirk.

Yes, looking good.

Whoo, my man, yes!

All right, guys, what's up?

My name is Abbi.

I'm going to be your trainer today.

This is a joke shirt.

Cool.

All right, I'm going to show you guys how it's done first and remember, form is essential!

Okay.

Get back in your office.

I don't know what just happened with my body.

It's like I literally have zero upper body strength.

Abbi...

That mirror cost $1400 without installation.

Okay, don't accidents happen all the time in the gym?

Can't the gym just pay for it?

I can't report this to corporate, Abbi.

You're not an authorized instructor.

Okay, well, I'll just take the blame.

I mean, I (Bleep) this up.

Yeah, but I let you teach the class, Abbi.

It's taken me four years to get where I am, but they're going to fire me for this in a second.

Please, Abbi, I have a kid.

What, you do?

Probably!

I mean, a paternity suit could pop up at any time.

Ugh, okay.

What do we do?

Okay.

We gotta get $1400 and we gotta meet back here tonight after closing.

We'll install the mirror together.

I've done it once before.

Listen, I don't have 700 bucks just lying around.

That's like a whole month's rent for me.

Do you have a webcam?

I never ride the subway.

Usually just Uber, but sometimes...

Shh, Oliver, we don't talk about Uber down here.

Let's play a game.

I want you to look around and find the most disadvantaged person here and then we'll give them our seats.

Who do you think it is?

It's you, Oliver.

Me?

Yes.

You are rich in money, but poor in experience.

No, I'm poor.

I get the seat.

You are right, that's right.

There you go.

Lesson learned, Oliver.

Lesson, uh, learned.

(Throat clearing)

♪

Okay, okay, Abbi, think, come on.

$700, all right.

Come on, here we go.

Come on.

(Breathing deeply)

Sell mushroom chocolates!

No, I can't do that.

Can't get back in the game.

Just got my record expunged.

Okay.

(Bleep), this is really warped!

♪

(Breathing deeply) Ask my parents for money.

No, they think I'm a successful artist.

Art!

Sell my art!

It's brilliant, but no one understands it.

Sell my clothes.

I get compliments.

Beacon's closet!

Sell my art and my clothes!

Yes!

Oh god.

You ever been to Brooklyn?

No.

You ever been to Queens?

No. Do you ever been to Long Island?

Hamptons.

Ooh, she does not look happy.

Hi.

Clothes.

Hi.

How's it going?

Could you, uh, wait over there?

Yeah. Okay.

For a minute?

All right.

Thank you.

Good luck, give it your all.

That one's so pretty, my mom got it for me.

Well, you know, it smells like fresh detergent, right?

Oh, that skirt's one of my favourite pieces.

Um, I got it when I thought I was gonna study abroad in Copenhagen, but tags are on it, so, oh, yes, okay.

Okay.

Doesn't feel so good, does it?

It's so much harder to walk.

But honestly, your legs look amazing.

As well as my tukas?

(Giggling) It's tucchus, but I am loving it, brother.

Oh, I saw a denim jacket like that on "who wore it best?"

Leighton Meester wore it best.

So that's it?

There's nothing left?

Um, yeah, just all this great stuff.

Hmm...

I like this apothecary bag.

It's interesting.

Oh, that was my aunt's.

Um, she wa... she was a flight attendant.

She d*ed in that plane crash.

It was terrible over the midwest.

So sad.

I can give you store credit for $195 or $20 cash.

All right.

All right, I'll take... I'll take the cash.

Mmm, that'll be 35 bucks, babe.

What a bargain!

♪

Celebrity's favourite foods.

Original pieces, people!

Bitch's gotta buy a mirror here.

Come on, come on!

I did it, Ilana.

I gave all the clothes to the homeless people.

Whoo!

Good job, bud.

Originals.

Tapas.

I'm into them.

How about two?

I mean, they're 40 bucks.

But I'm feeling really great right now.

I'm in a great mood.

I'll give you two for $60.

Love it. Well, I meant $2.00.

We'll take it.

No way.

Ilana. No way.

No.

I'm like, what, am I gonna sell my soul?

It's good to have standards.

$2.00.

Okay, let's do it.

Oh. That's hysterical.

$40, huh?

Yeah, which is a really great deal, uh, considering the art will only continue to appreciate.

Of course, shrimp cocktail's Ron Howard's favourite food.

He probably has it three, four times a week, that (Bleep) p*ssy.

Uh, it's a fictional series based on the artist's imagination, um...

Wait a minute, you mean this is not real?

Like Bruce Springsteen's favourite food is not a tomato?

No, I mean, he's from Jersey, so I put him with a tomato

'cause I was like, that's a marriage, you know, that works.

Ah, come on, this is unbelievable!

What kind of (Bleep) is this?

What?

Is it that unbelievable?

Forty doll... I give $40, I'm gonna get a little more than artwork from you over there, sweet cheeks.

Why don't you (Bleep) my (Bleep) d*ck?

Hey, listen, I've been there, sweetie.

I've been there.

To my d*ck?

Yeah.

20, 21... twen...

There's just $22 still.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Okay, Oliver, I want you to remember that most of this day is a secret, okay?

Adults aren't supposed to ask kids to keep secrets.

Oh.

Hey, guy, how was your day?

We hung out with Abbi, Ilana's girlfriend, even though they can't be together right now.

But they will be someday.

Ilana.

I had no idea you were gay.

We all...

Having a "gayby"-sitter will be wonderful for Oliver's CV to get into middle school.

And get this.

We gave all these clothes to homeless people and I thought I would feel dirty afterwards, but it was so nice.

How very funky.

You were just talking about how you're so sick of all your clothes from last season.

Instead of bringing it in to the stables, you should give it all to Ilana.

She could probably donate it for you right now.

Well, I mean on the one hand, the horses do get very cold in the winter, but on the other, the less fortunate probably get just as cold, maybe even more so.

Ilana, do you think this is something you could do for me?

Um, I do have some stuff...

I'll give you cash for a cab.

Yeah, mm-hmm, sure.

(Making kissy sounds)

Yay. Thank you...

For those kisses.

Come on, dude, I thought we were cool.

Now I gotta lug all this (Bleep) to some Jesus house?

No, you bobo.

My mom's stuff is fancy as (Bleep).

Take it back to Beacon's and sell the (Bleep) out of it.

The student has become the teacher.

Yes, queen, yes, queen, yes, queen!

(Mouthing silently) Yes, queen!

Ilana, do the homeless like Prada?

Oliver: Yes, queen!

♪ Where my scallywags at ♪
♪ ready catch ♪
♪ party from the drop until the sun beams ♪
♪ flying flying from the loosey in my blood stream ♪
♪ see my people ready now-ow ready now-ow ♪
♪ my oopa take you steady now-ow steady now-ow ♪
♪ don't need no drink I think I'm rolling ♪

Abbi: Oh...

Remember me?

Well, do you remember me?

Even less.

We were just in here two hours ago.

Come on. Well...

Do you work on commission?

No.

Yeah, do you work on commission?

I said no.

I didn't hear it.

Big mistake.

Big.

Huge.

♪

Wow.

Remember me now?

We remember you...

'Cause your hair and lipstick looks cute.

Mm-hmm.

I can give you $13,000 in store credit or $903 in cash.

Woo-hoo, store credit for life!

Dude, I need the money.

Money, right, money, money.

Speaking of which, how much is my aunt's timeless, beautiful, classic apothecary bag?

$226.

Wonderful.

By the way...

I know that shirt's from Forever 21.

You're not kidding anybody.

Nice.

♪

I got it.

All right, okay.

Okay, ease your grip.

There we go.

Looks good.

Yeah.

They're not gonna know, right?

No one will ever notice.

I'm going home and I'm shutting my blinds and I'm going to go to sleep like, forever, until my shift at 10:30 today.

Not so fast, muchacha.

I need you right here.

Trey, there's no way there's a pube situation.

No one else is here.

Do you put your pubes somewhere?

No.

You're teaching a class today.

And it starts in two hours.

This is a bazinga.

I swear, I've lost all respect for you, Trey.

It's not a bazinga.

Abbi, you're such a good cleaner.

You're so special.

Plus Regina who normally teaches the class has been missing for 48 hours.

Love Regina, but that's awesome.

I mean, I can... I...

So I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be a trainer.

Yeah.

Of a class.

Just one class.

But I kinda need you to leave me alone in the studio for a while.

Gotta finish paying off my half of the mirror.

Okay.

'Kay.

What's up, guys?

Are you ready to rise to your potential?

Class: Yeah! Let's do this!

Here we go, yeah, here we go!

Come on, yeah, move those arms, move those legs, move those arms.

Let's go, guys.

What ignites you?

What fuels your fire?

Oh, you know what?

I'll clean that up later, don't worry.

What's up?

I'm Kirk Steele.

I'm 18, I'm from Orlando, Florida and my favorite movie is "Garden State".

Are you ready to explore the infinite abyss?

♪

When I grow up I either want to be a stunt choreographer or I want to work with kids with MS.

♪

Somebody stop me!

Oh (Bleep)!

Oh!

I have two twin sisters.

(Grunting)

Oh god... oh god, (Bleep) oh!

Oh, oh, ooh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Uh... uh!

♪

(Sniffing) Ooh, I stink.