01x07 - Series 1, Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

♪ One more time ♪
♪ Let's do it again ♪
♪ Blow my mind ♪
♪ Do it again... ♪

Freddie: That's me, that's me...

(All laugh)

What?

Nothing, um...

Aiden, 24, versatile.

(Laughter)

♪ One more time ♪
♪ Let's do it again... ♪

Whoo-hoo!

Music: It's Never Over by Arcade Fire

(Inaudible)

Are you his carer?

(He laughs)

Don't be mean. It's not attractive.

You're telling me.

Even the barman won't look at him twice.

He spiked your drink? Kidnapped your mum?

Look, he may not be pretty, but I can guarantee he'll be grateful.

We'll go back to mine, he'll work like a dog. And then...

I can kick him out as soon as I've finished.

Now who's being mean?

He'll still think he's won the lottery.

♪ Wait until it's over ♪
♪ Wait until it's through ♪
♪ You say it's not me, it's you ♪
♪ Hey, Orpheus ♪
♪ De l'autre côté de l'eau ♪
♪ Comme un écho ♪
♪ Wait until it's over ♪
♪ Wait until it's through... ♪

Bog.

Look, we're here now.

I suggest we just pick an end and swap at half-time.

Out of interest, what is your type?

♪ Oh, my love, don't be mad ♪
♪ Cos I'll keep on writing ♪
♪ Love letters ♪
♪ Yeah, I'll keep on writing ♪
♪ Love letters... ♪

Round two?

♪ From far across the sea ♪
♪ They fly from you to me ♪
♪ But still I get no sleep ♪
♪ Oh, my love, don't be mad. ♪

Banana!

You're not leaving me here.

Which way are you heading?

Er... this way.

See you around.

Yeah, yeah. See you around.

Do you know where we are?

Withington... Chorlton...

Great, thanks.

Er... where's that?

Do you know how I get back to Manchester?

I'm up from Brewood near Stafford. On a stag do.

I wasn't going gay last night, but the lads kicked me out the strip club for scaring the girls away.

You're not that bad.

For telling the girls to quit.

I was trying to inspire them.

Go to college, get some qualifications.

And what did they say?

They were already at uni.

That's how they paid for it.

Way out of my depth.

So you thought you'd go and elevate yourself down Canal Street?

The lads kind of insisted.

So they all know?

I usually bring 'em as bait.

Who needs Rohypnol, when you've got six rugger-buggers by your side?

Do all your mates know?

Oh, well, they're all gay, so I hope so...

All of 'em?

Not so many of us in Brewood.

I'm a farmer.

And you?

I'm a care worker up in Bolton.

I'm originally from Port Talbot.

(Text alert)

(Rumbling motor approaches)

Bus is here.

You've got it made living here.

Not much of a scene in Brewood.

Just me and a few bah-curious sheep.

Did you just say "bah-curious"?

Go and sit over there.

So, go on. What did you make of last night?

Yeah, all right. You know?

Yeah!

I mean, what was he like?

Sneaking off to the toilet every 20 minutes.

Coming back, chewing his face off.

He got me to pay for it. 60 quid!

I mean, I'm not daft, I know that's probably the only reason I was there.

I'd say you were 60 quid's worth.

Can I have your phone? I'll put my number in it.

F-R-A-N-K G-O-D-W-I-N.

Thanks.

OK. See you.

Aiden...

I'm sorry. But, um...

I've lost my phone.

You had it on the bus.

It must have, um... fell out. It's just...

I don't know which hotel my mates are staying in, so, um... if I could just Facebook them your number and then...

(Phone vibrates)

And when they get the message, they can ring you.

You should only be stuck with me for a couple more hours.

Sorry.

I'm always losing it. 'This is Frank. Please leave a message.'

(Phone beeps)

Hey, Frank.

I think I know where you've left your phone.

Give me a bell back. Oh, it's Aiden.

Ta-ra.

(Text alert)

Bit weird.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Cos I'm not weird, but I know that that is.

I just couldn't let you walk away from me.

And something weird was all I could think of at short notice.

I'm flattered...

You and me have something.

I know you felt it as well.

Last night, just now...

Look, tell me we haven't and I'll walk away.

No, no, no, f*ck that, I won't.

I'm going to stay here until I've convinced you.

I just want to get home.

You don't want to walk away from this.

I could be the one. We could be each other's.

If that's the case, do you know what the odds are of us meeting?

The world's population is what? Like seven, eight billion?

OK, at most you're going to come into contact with 20,000 of 'em.

That includes everyone you have, will, and probably are ever going to meet.

Now, divide that 20,000 by seven billion.

That's like 0.000%.

Then take away the no-goes, like your mum, your dad, your dog.

That takes it down to 0.00000%.

So how are you going to find that one magic person meant for you, on this huge planet, when you only meet that many people?

But we've managed it.

Cards on the table... you know us two can't happen.

Why not?

All right, I admit it, there's a bit of a mismatch on the looks front...

A bit?

Anyone who sees us two together will think I'm your minder or you've splashed out on a bit of rent.

So what?

Because in spite of meeting hardly anyone who walks the Earth, you might've found the one person you're meant to be with.

And considering the odds, you really can't afford to be that choosy.

(He laughs)

So, I'm going to ask you one last time.

Are you coming for a cappuccino?

All right.

If I have to.

So what sort of care work do you do?

Mostly old blokes. I do their washing, medicine, sit with 'em.

Let 'em know that they matter.

That the last 80 years mattered.

Cos when nobody's there, they don't exist.

I think that's amazing.

Don't get old.

Don't get old alone.

Can I get you two another?

No, we're not a two.

I mean, we're not together.

We could be.

We were last night.

We were!

So, er, coffee?

Yeah, go on. Same again.

How many boyfriends you had?

One or two.

Long term?

None.

You?

Six, seven.

Serious ones?

They all looked pretty serious when it ended.

It's good at the beginning, but it never lasts.

I try and keep it a bit more casual these days.

What about girlfriends?

That I've had sex with?

Yeah.

A few.

But I'm not proud of it. Ah, we've all dabbled.

No, I don't... I mean, I'm not proud of how I treated them.

I don't mean the girls, when you're really young, hoping that they'll flick the straight switch.

It's the ones when you know,

100%, that you're gay, but you still use them to hide behind.

Cos we all joke, don't we?

"I dated girls. Eugh, fannies!"

But it's not a joke when you're hurting someone.

I hurt someone I really liked.

Someone I've never faced, or said sorry to.

I still catch myself on the corners of that one.

Well, you're making up for it.

Care work. That's like "good person" stuff.

Do you fancy a proper drink?

Feel that lump?

I ran into a rugby post when I was 13.

Blood everywhere.

sh*t.

Nah. It was brilliant.

The PE teacher who looked after me was built like a lumberjack.

I loved it.

You little perv.

He was a proper Wolverine.

When I found out he was a h*m* w*nk*r, it broke my heart.

Wolverine?

No, the teacher.

Hugh Jackman's right off the wank list since Les Mis.

So who is your favourite actor?

Tom Hardy.

Very nice.

Some people think I have...

All right, lads?

I'm good.

Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?

Great(!)

A glass of red?

Sorry.

I'll get the drinks.

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean...

A red wine, please.

I'll get it.

I was a total knob.

A bottle of... Shiraz?

Shiraz.

How many glasses, lovey?

Two.

Two glasses, because there's two of us standing here.

You didn't need to worry about being seen with me... cos everyone round here acts like I'm invisible.

(He mouths silently)

I don't want a boyfriend.

And if Tom Hardy offered?

Anyone.

Zac Efron... covered in honey. Anyone.

I thought we were having a good time.

I still am.

We still can.

But that's because it's day one.

No offence, but I always like this bit.

Where you meet someone, share a spark, wonder if you've got a chance. But day one's a trick of the light.

By day ten we're in bed and I'm wishing you were someone else.

Day 11 I'm pretending to listen to you whilst eyeing up a guy behind you.

I'm not going to do anything with him.

I just need to know that, if I wanted to, I could.

Day 20's the text messages whilst you're sleeping next to me.

Strangers, old shags, your boss.

By 30 it's cock sh*ts.

Phone wanks. Video links.

Day 40's kissing in the club toilets whilst you're buying the drinks.

Day 50's sex with some random, some ex, someone.

Whoever?

Straight, gay, I won't care.

We will have sex.

Day 60, 61, 62, you find out.

Cry.

Tell yourself something like,

"Oh, it was a one-off," or, "I'm worth it."

Day 70's the last bit... where I meet someone new and I have a day one with them... like this.

And they make me feel like you are... and you can't compete.

Whoever you are.

However you look.

Cos they've got me on day one.

We have something, you're right.

Day one magic.

But it won't be enough.

It hasn't worked because you're still choosing faces like his.

It's the wrong reason.

Looks fade, get old, yours already are!

You know, I'm getting more and more bored of that perfect face every second I look at it.

Oh, I bet you say that to all the girls!

You know, I like you because... because you nearly laughed at "bah-curious".

You look at me like I'm the answer to something.

I like you because you're a care worker, which must mean you're kind.

You didn't just ditch me when I was lost.

And because I think we can make day 9,999 feel like day one.

Oh, I've got enough jokes.

The hours'd fly by.

(Mobile alert)

I've got a Zac Efron mask with your name on it.

Music: Bittersweet Bundle Of Misery By Graham Coxon

♪ Now the end is in sight ♪
♪ I'm just tired

♪ Lying awake at night ♪
♪ So wired ♪
♪ And fired ♪
♪ Up with biological urge ♪
♪ In my belly... ♪

(Heavy panting)

♪ And I hunt for the words ♪
♪ In my Tele... ♪
♪ ... caster ♪
♪ Spinning faster ♪
♪ Good night ♪
♪ You ♪
♪ You're beautiful ♪
♪ I love to watch your face in the morning light ♪
♪ You're really cool ♪
♪ I like the way we fight right through the night ♪
♪ The way you used to kiss was way out of sight ♪
♪ But I can never hope... ♪

D'you like The Color Purple?

The film, The Color Purple, or the colour purple?

The film.

I love The Color Purple.

Ha, me too!

You all right, Jase!

You met my new fella, Frank?

I was just telling him about that time you took too much ket at the sauna and passed out.

You remember?

That grandad you were sucking at the time won't soon forget it.

Anyway, nice to see you.

♪ ... And there's no such thing ♪
♪ As happily ever... ♪

If he's boring you, let me know.

You're dumped!

He's straight.

He's a rugby player.

He's uglier than I am.

Only just.

You've given me a taste for it now.

Come 'ere.

♪ You're beautiful ♪
♪ I love to watch your face in the morning light ♪
♪ You're really cool ♪
♪ I like the way we fight right through the night ♪
♪ And the way you used to kiss was way out of sight ♪
♪ But I can never hope ♪
♪ To set you free... ♪

(Heavy panting)

♪ Cos you're my bittersweet bundle of misery... ♪

(Panting gets faster)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

(Heavy panting)

I'm going to have to get off in a minute.

Oh. Right.

Where?

Didn't realise how late it was.

You can stay a bit longer.

Best joke? For the road.

Go on.

Well, I know some long old jokes.

Right.

So, this straight bloke goes to prison for the first time and he ends up in a cell with this huge, scary bruiser.

And the scary bruiser says to the straight bloke,

"Let's play mummies and daddies."

I'm listening.

"Which one d'you want to be? Mummy or Daddy?"

And the, um... and the straight bloke panics, he panics and he says...

Please...

You've been taking the piss out of yourself all day.

And now you want me to what?

Agree?

Disagree?

Say you're beautiful?

Cos you're right, you're not.

Thanks for the sugar-coating.

I've seriously thought about giving "us" a go.

You've got into my head that much.

But, mate, it's not going to happen.

So, please, look, you're better than this.

Stop...

What?

Guilt tripping me cos I only want to shag people I actually fancy.

f*cking you doesn't make me a better person.

I am out of your league.

You are too ugly... for me.

And you know it.

You know it, or else you wouldn't have spent the whole day trying to convince me otherwise.

What about the kiss?

One kiss!

And it was a good kiss.

I'll tell people about that kiss.

You pretending to lose your phone.

The brilliant day afterwards.

This conversation...

And how I got my knob sucked by this stunning little spinner I met on Grindr.

And it'll all just be a part of a brilliant story.

I'll pay the bill.

Excuse me, mate, I think you've dropped your wallet.

You don't want to lose that or you... won't be able to buy me a drink!

You're not really my type.

No harm in trying.

Music: Heavy Seas Of Love By Damon Albarn

♪ Heavy seas of love ♪
♪ Radiance is in you ♪